Mr. & Mrs. Smith – S01E02 – Second Date | Transcript

Dressed for a sinister black tie event, John and Jane set ground rules at home before leaving. Their target Eric Shane turns things upside down, leaving the Smiths to make things right on their awkward second date.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith - S01E02 - Second Date

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Season 1 Episode 2
Episode Title: Second Date
Original release date: February 2, 2024 (Amazon Prime Video)

Plot summary: Dressed for a sinister black tie event, John and Jane set ground rules at home before leaving. Their target Eric Shane turns things upside down, leaving the Smiths to make things right on their awkward second date.

* * *

♪ ♪


Driver’s license, banking card, and marriage registration.

Did you, um, apply for high-risk?

Yeah, I did.

[loud clatter]


[John] So, what are you, like, ex-FBI?

Something like that.

You talk to my daughter again…

[woman exclaims]

[John] You get thrown out?

Something like that.

[John] If it makes you feel any better, nobody would take me either.

It does.

What do you think happens if we fail?

Our marriage?

Our mission.


[John] This marriage is starting off on-on a great foot.

Just great.

♪ ♪




[door creaks]


♪ ♪

What are you doing?

Just going through your stuff. What were you doing?

I was meditating.

Oh. That’s cool.

Uh, do you do that every day?

I used to, before I thought somebody might go through my stuff.


It’s supposed to be good for hand-eye coordination.

Yeah, it’s-it’s Japanese, right?

Yeah. My dad gave it to me.

He was stationed out there for a while.


I’m gonna go out and, uh, I’m gonna get some breakfast.


I’m gonna go through your stuff.

[chuckles softly]

Do you want anything special?

No, just whatever you want.

♪ ♪

[counter man] 102!

[Jane] 102. That’s me. Hi. 102.

Uh, can I get two classic scallion cream cheese, uh, plain bagels? And hold the capers.

Anything else?


Thank you.


[woman 1 in video] Don’t put me in the oven and cook me.

[woman 2 laughing]

[woman 1] I don’t want to go in there.

[woman 2] Come here and let me season you.

[doorbell rings]

Rub this olive oil all over you.

[woman 1] No, don’t cook me.

Do you have a cat?

Hi there.

Hi. Do you have a cat?

No. Why?

It’s been destroying my plants and shitting in my backyard.

I don’t have a cat.

Are you sure?

Because then my dog goes out and he eats the cat poo, which I’m sure you can understand is pretty gross.

That is really gross, yeah.

No, uh, maybe you should train your dog to not eat shit.

I’m not sure you can train a dog not to do that.

Really? I don’t know.

I think you can train a dog to do a lot of things.

Well, I, I should get John his breakfast.

I’m sorry about your garden, though. That sucks.

You two have a garden, right? With a composter?

On the roof?

Yeah, we do. It’s pretty great.

Yeah, it’s nice to have that in the city.

It’s a beautiful property.

You know, we feel really lucky.

It’s our dream house.

It’s kind of been something we wanted for a while.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be nosy.

I’m a designer. Interiors.

I live next door.


I was amazed at how quickly your guys got all that work done.

Are they freelance, or…?

Yeah. Freelance.

What do you do for a living?

I’m a software engineer. From San Francisco.

And your husband?

Is this an interview?


We do the same thing. We work together.

Well, you two must really have an understanding.

Outside of my dumb dog, I can’t imagine spending that much time with anyone.

That’s great.


So he’s John.

And you are?


John and Jane.

Yeah. And your dog?

Poet. He’s Poet. From The Prophet.

That’s, that’s great.

Poet can’t be too dumb, then, right?

Enjoy your breakfast.


[♪ Alton Ellis: “Pearls”]

What’s up with that guy?

Uh, hi.

I don’t know.

Think he’s kind of hot, though.


He’s definitely watching us.

And he has, um, he has a dog named after The Prophet, which is one of my favorite books.

It’s one of everyone’s favorite books.

Is it?

Yeah. It’s one of mine.

Are you jealous?



You sound jealous.

No, I’m not jealous. It’s just… it’s-it’s weird to have my wife say the neighbor is hot.

But I’m not your wife, actually.

Yeah. True. I-I know that.

We’re not together, really.

I know.

I get it.

Okay. [chuckles]

I know that, but, you know, do you think the Company wants us to…?

To have sex?


Well, yeah, part of it. To get together.


I don’t think we should. Do you?

No, I don’t think we should,

necessarily. [chuckles]

I mean, I think it’s better if we just keep it separate.

Absolutely, yeah.

It’s just simpler that way.

I’m not saying we should.

I know, I know, I’m just… It’s great. We’re agreeing.

I agree with you. Here, I got you breakfast.


It’s a everything bagel with lox and salmon on it.

I usually don’t eat breakfast.


Wait until noon.

Oof, your loss.

♪ I love you so…


Should I try it?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.


♪ As I was walking down the street one day…

Oh, my God.


It’s very good.

I knew you’d love it.


So, um… did you actually want to get married?

In real life?

Uh, yeah.


Yeah. I mean, there is something nice about being committed to, like, another person.

I think that’s kind of cool.

I think being able to come home at the end of a shitty day and, you know, just kiss someone and make it all go away…

♪ By my side…

…in theory it feels like that’s, like, perfect, right?


It’s great.

So, why-why-why’d you go down this path, then?


Good. Oh, thank God. Me, too. [laughs]


Should we make a pact?

I love pacts.

Okay, good. Me, too.

I think, let’s make a certain amount of money that we both feel good about, and then we can part our ways, live our own lives.

Okay. Sure.

♪ Goodbye…

No sex?


No sex.


Kinda want to have sex now, I got to be honest, uh…


It’s just ’cause of the pact.

But no. But no.

No, no, no.

Right? That’s what we agreed.

No. Yeah.


We got a package.


Mr. Hihi.


[laptop chiming]

[John] “Hihi.

Welcome back.

For your next mission, attend silent auction. Black-tie event.”

“Dress to impress.”

♪ ♪

You look nice.

Oh, thank you. So do you.

You ready to go?


[John] “Step one, identify high bidder of Warhol’s Silver Car Crash.”

Thank you.

“Step two. Administer single dose of truth serum.”

“Do not exceed single dose. Record any and all information they give you. Please follow a few rules. No casualties. Absolutely no witnesses.”

Those last parts were written in all caps.

Seems like he’s serious about that.

♪ ♪

[valet] Good evening.

Evening. Thank you.

What’s wrong?

I’m gonna go scuff up my shoes.

What? Why?

‘Cause I’m gonna go in as catering.

Uh… I think… I think we should stick together.

If I go in there, I’ll be one of six Black guys who probably all know each other.

I won’t be able to move around.

This is better, trust me.


Hold, hold, um…

Could you check this for me?


It’s Gucci.



Hi. I’m Jane Smith.



[indistinct chatter]


[toilet flushes]

[stall door opens]

[turns on faucet]

[mutters indistinctly]


♪ ♪

[John] Thirsty, madam?

You’re so annoying.

We got in.

All you got to do is bid, and I’ll keep an eye out for our friend.

Okay, just stay close.

You got me on the comms.

Okay, so how are we supposed to find the highest bidder at a silent auction?

[John] [over comm] How about some old-fashioned spying?

Mole lady, seven million on the Warhol.

Sweaty tits, ten million.

[Jane] Oh, Jesus, please never give me a nickname.

American Psycho, 50 million on the Warhol.

I’m gonna check on Angela Lansbury over here.

[man] Excuse me, what do you have there?

[John] Um, these are… it’s-it’s olive oil pudding.

Okay. Thank you.

[Jane] You know, you’re a natural at this.

If the spy stuff doesn’t work out, you should consider catering.

I think we have a winner.

Wait, what? Who?

[stomach growls loudly]

Long shift. Sorry.

You have all those treats on your plate.

You should eat one.


[Jane] I guess you should have finished that bagel.

We got to get him alone.

Go over to him, say something funny.

Say something funny?

Yeah, be alluring. Like, seduce him or something.


He’s headed towards you. Just go, Jane.

Just go.

I’ll look him up.

Oh, shit, I-I knew I recognized this guy.

That’s Eric Shane. He’s a real estate mogul.

He owns half of the Upper West Side.


[container clatters]

Mint? Would you like a mint?


[John] Net worth $15 billion.

No spouse, no kids, no current address.

Last listed residence: 411 West 86th Street.

Di… did you, um, did you own that place on West 86th Street with the gorgeous iron detailing on the balcony?

I miss that place.

Great views. Mm.


I knew you looked familiar. I was your neighbor.

Hmm. Really?


Yes, you do seem… familiar.

Familiar. [chuckles]

So, has anything caught your eye?

It’s a silent auction, so…


[John] We got to find a way to get him alone.

Now, that is better.



Thank you?

[John] What the fuck?

[Eric] Oh, God, it’s all so boring.

Just a big, boring way to spend a lot of money, hmm?

If that were true, you wouldn’t have bid on the Warhol.

It’s the only one worth bidding on.

It’s the moment of death repeated.



Eternalized into image.


It’s priceless.

[John] Jane, what are you doing? You can’t stick him here.

There’s too many people. “No witnesses.”

All caps.

Everything ha-has its price.

I think it’s a matter of negotiation.


Would you be willing to sell it for…

No. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

[John] I think you should let me try.

I think you may not be his type.

Okay, I have a silly idea.

Mm-hmm, and what is that?

How about you and I go somewhere private, and we pay one of the cater waiters to do whatever we want?

And who would that be?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What do you want me to do?

Get on your knees.


[Eric] Yes, very good.

You, too.

Next to him.

[snaps fingers]





Put your faces… closer.

Get on all fours.

Open your mouths and stick out your tongues.

You’re both dogs.

Two dogs meeting at the park for the first time with no one around.

[John snickers]

[Eric] Be serious!

Let’s resume.



[both panting]

[Eric] Yes.

Intimately engage with each other.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Learn, learn, learn each other.


You’re both just dogs.


[John and Jane barking]

Now kiss.

Still as dogs.


♪ ♪

[Eric barks]

[Eric yipping]

[Eric] Again. Again.

[barking continues]


[Eric cries out]

What was… What was that? What…

What did you do?

[Jane] Why the fuck did you do that?


[Jane] You told me to do it.


I told you I was gonna do it.

[Jane] No!

[discordant piano notes crash]

[panting, groaning]

Why are you… looking at me like…

like I’m a big, big giant?

Are-are… Are you okay?

I’m a little horny, I think.

[chuckling] Also very, very frightened. I…

I think I’m hard.

No. No, I’m not hard.

Good. I’m relieved. [sighs]

I may have peed just the tiniest bit.


This is fucking awful.

[Eric whimpering]

Do we just listen until he gives us something valuable?

I-I don’t know.

Hihi said record everything.

♪ He’s a bad seed, yeah ♪

A bad seed.

Okay. All right.


We’re gonna help you up. You need to sit up.

Must be something…

All right.

That’s okay.

Get the… Get out of here!

[Jane yelps]

[door slides open]


[Eric moans]

[distant applause]

[party host] Bidder 342.

Warhol’s Silver Car Crash Double Disaster.


[Eric] Hi. Hi.


Ah, hi.


[chuckles] Hello.

I-I’m Eric Shane.

[party host] Oh, well, you don’t need to announce yourself, but we really appreciate your generous bid.

I-I spent a lot of money tonight.



Because I can.




Mr. Shane, we have your painting for you.


I think you could use some water.

Why don’t you go take a seat over here?

[Eric] The amount of illegitimate money I have, billions and billions of illegal dollars, I-I don’t feel bad about it at all.

I-I really don’t.

I mean, is that totally weird? No remorse?

Richard knows about the islands.

He’s here somewhere.

And-and-and Philip. Philip Bronstein.

Yes. Wait. Philip, hey, hey. Wait.

No. No, Philip uses the other island.

Not for embezzlement.

For sex.

[guests gasping]

Oh, no, that… Mr.-Mr. Shane?

Sex trade. Yes.

[whispering] Record this. Record this.

[Eric laughing]

[party host] Mr. Sh…

[recorder chimes]

Oh, Beau! Beau finds me funny.

You can always count on Beau for a laugh.

You can always count on him to leave photos of his dick taped under the newest intern’s desk.

Real film photos.

[guests murmuring]

Like, developed at Walgreens.

The warped lengths he goes.


To do that, Melissa, it’s remarkable, because I’ve always found you so much more compelling than the interns he chooses to schtup.

His mistreatment of you has only made you intrigue me more.

Your sadness.

This is… This is how I felt when my wisdom teeth were removed.

Mr. Shane is clearly not feeling well.

That was scary.

So, oh, please don’t film any of this. No, no, no, no. Please.

No, no, don’t film anything.

Please stop filming.

[Eric wheezing and coughing]

[party host] Is there a doctor in the house?

[Eric] God.

[party host] Is anyone a doctor?

[Jane] I don’t think that’s normal.

I think he’s having a bad reaction.

I think he’s going into shock.

Oh. Okay, just-just take…

Take that for me.

Okay. Oh.

[Eric whimpering]

It’s okay. I got him. Come on.

Let’s go.

I was with this man as a dog. He’s a liar!

[John] It’s okay. Hey, hey.

[Eric] She was a dog as well.

Her, too.

[chuckling] A dog. Okay. You know what, there’s…

[Jane] Dennis, how many drinks did you let him have?

[John] I told him not to mix anything.

[Jane] I’m driving.

[Eric] You have nice shoulders.

[Eric groans]

Yeah, we can’t take him to the hospital.

[tires screech]

♪ ♪

[horn honking]

[heavy, gruff breathing]

See? This is why we should have made a plan and stuck to it.

The plan was to follow your lead, and that got us here.

[tires screech]

[horns honking]


[Eric wheezes and coughs]

Hey, uh-uh. Eyes! Eyes open.

We can’t let him fall asleep, or he might not wake up.

[John] Hey, Eric.

[distorted, echoing] Eric, you got to talk to me, okay?

Wake up. Stay awake.

Say something.

[Eric wheezing]

I’m scared.

[Jane] You’re gonna be okay.

We’re gonna help you.

You’re the ones who hurt me.

Where are you taking me?

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.


[Jane] Okay.

[John] You got… You got to stay up.

[Jane] He doesn’t sound good.

Eric. Eric.

Hey, eyes open!

Eyes op… An EpiPen.

Oh, shit.


[claps hands]

Eric, I need you to stay awake.

Look at me. Stay awake.

Look at me. Yes.

[Jane] Hey.

I don’t… I don’t see an EpiPen.

It’s in there.

There isn’t one.

It’s in there.

There’s no EpiPen!

There’s just gauze.

It’s in there.

There isn’t one.

It’s a medical pack.

[Jane] Just gauze and alcohol.

I don’t see an EpiPen.

[John] It’s in here.

Show me.

[Eric] You’re just lonely.

I got into this business because I’m lonely, too.

I was with this woman I didn’t like very much.

There’s a medic bag in there. It’s green. It’s a box.


But we got married. I mean, I-I liked her warmth at night.

[laughing] Her legs were like a space heater.

Last I heard, she died.

Well, before that, she had my baby.

I have a daughter somewhere.

I don’t ever think about her.

I-I don’t think it’s bad because I-I don’t feel bad about it…

Eric, drink the water, please.

Drink this, Eric.

Drink some water.

I’ve got no friends.

We’re your friends. Drink…

No, you’re not.

You’re not my friends. You want what everyone wants.

You, the government, First Nations.

Give me the fucking EpiPen. Hurry up.

[Eric] All these fucking, fucking people wanting.

Speaking, talking and just…

Talking, yakking, yakking.

No, no.

Eric, Eric, stay with us.

Hey. Eric.

[John] Eric.

[Jane] Who takes care of a dead body?

We do, I guess.

Okay. Huh.

We’ll bury him in the garden.







How is he gonna fit?

[elevator bell chimes]

All right.


[John] Grab his legs.

Okay, one, two, three.


[John grunts]

You, um…

You break the legs, and I’ll break the arms.



Can we cover the head first?

Yeah, good idea.


So, are you gonna do it?

Yeah, we’ll… we can do it together.

[Jane] Okay, let’s do it…

All right.




On three.

[both] One, two, three.

[bones snap]

[Jane] Oh!

[John dry-retching]

Oh, my God.

Don’t do that.



If you barf, I barf.



♪ ♪

[Jane grunting]

[both grunting]

♪ ♪

[John] Okay.

One, two, three.

[Jane] Do you feel bad?

I feel really bad.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[up-tempo cartoon music playing]

So this is where you went.


[sighs] What are you doing?

Watching cartoons.

Couldn’t sleep?


Me, either.

[cat meowing in cartoon]

Is this a knockoff Tom and Jerry?

My mom never let me watch the violent stuff when I was a kid, so… this kind of thing kind of relaxes me.

I don’t really like violent cartoons.



That’s surprising.

Why is that surprising?

I don’t know, it’s just…

I thought you might be into that kind of thing.

[Jane] Mm-hmm.

[chuckles softly]

[Jane laughing]


You asshole.

You snooped on my computer!

You asshole.

You’re sick.

You’re an… I’m sick?

You’re sick that I…

You set up a trap for me?

Yeah, but I set up a trap…

Cannibal porn?

You think I’m actually into cannibal porn?


I caught you. You were spying on me.

You didn’t ca…

You trapped me.

Oh, yes, I did.


You’re so… You’re so fucked up.

You know, you’re fucked up.

I’m not the weird one.


Well, it worked.

[both chuckle]

You know, they had to re-dub, um, Mammy Two Shoes ’cause it was so racist in the original cartoon.

Who’s Mammy Two Shoes?

The one in the slippers who’s, like…

You know, now it’s a white woman that’s just like, “You darn cat!”

But, um, it was really bad, so they dubbed it with a white woman.

What’s the original voice sound like?

[Jane laughs]

I’m not doing it.

Do it.

[chuckles] No. It’s…

I mean, you know.

No. I’ve never seen it.

Like, it… you know, was racist.

You know.

But what kind of racist?

She was just like,

[heavy drawl] “Oh, Jaspah, you get out.

And when I say out, I mean O-U-T out!”


[both laugh]

[Jane] Oh, my God!

You scared me.

You dick.


Oh, the fear on your face.


So real.

[Jane sighs]

What a shitty day.


Do you want to kiss me?

Just not as dogs this time, just actually?

Yeah, I’ll-I’ll kiss you.

[cartoon characters] Hooray!

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

[breathing heavily]



[both grunting, breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪


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