Original release date: August 13, 2021
“I’m a vampire, basically — going to bed around 8 or 9 a.m. and waking around 4 or 5 p.m. First dates usually go OK because they’re in the evening, but complications quickly arise.”
* * *
♪ We face the music together ♪
♪ And throw our hats in the ring ♪
♪ Facing all kinds of weather ♪
♪ And not afraid of anything ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ When the sun comes up, we’ll be on our way ♪
♪ And we don’t care where we land ♪
♪ And the waves are high, but we won’t turn round ♪
♪ ‘Cause your hand is in my hand ♪
♪ And, oh-oh ♪
♪ You make me feel invincible ♪
♪ ‘Cause it’s you and me ♪
♪ Through the wind and hail ♪
♪ Setting sail into the world ♪
[♪ Ben Pirani: “Dreamin’s For Free”]
♪ Oh, my darlin’…
On the hinge?
I’ve seen her on the hinge.
It’s a small bisexual community.
I think it’d be really good.
[chuckles] Can I?
Very small bisexuals.
Yes, thank you.
Okay, that’s-that’s really weird.
That’s really weird.
Oh, I want this.
What is poutine anyway?
So, wait, what did she text you?
[Sky] She texts me saying that she isn’t rich, but she has multiple cashmere berets…
Thank you, thank you.
…and she’s an intern.
[Billy] That is so cute.
And I miss dating her ’cause she would pay for my food.
No, no, no.
I hate that fake struggle bullshit.
She should just admit that her parents help her out.
…recycling using glass.
Can we… can we borrow your cream?
♪ Dreamin’… ♪
Yeah. You can have it.
Excuse me, what?! What? How can your mom…
Yes, it’s true.
…hate Greta Thunberg?!
She just thinks there’s more to the story.
Sorry. Sorry about my obnoxious friends.
I-I just realized that it was probably quiet in here before we came in and ruined it.
It’s a diner.
It’s supposed to be… bustling.
You an artist?
Yes, I am.
Crayons are actually my medium.
It’s just habit.
I come here with my nieces.
I’m-I’m gonna… let you get back to it.
Thank you for the cream.
Yeah, you’re good.
You are so cute.
Look at him smile.
Look at him blush.
Look at him blush.
I’m not blushing.
I’m not blushing.
I’m good. Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Um…
You don’t have to run.
I’m-I’m literally standing still.
♪ Dreamin’… ♪
So, you want me to call you?
Yeah, if-if you want.
I… But the longer I stand here, the more I-I realize I don’t actually know your deal, and, uh, I might be coming off like some kind of, uh, gross late-night guy.
You’re not gross.
Well, thank you for this.
[Jordan] Good night.
Have a good one.
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
[Zoe] Once upon a time, there was a girl who was only awake at night.
She shared the streets with sleepwalkers, travelers and ghosts.
For as long as she could remember, she had been asleep when everyone else was awake… and awake when the rest of the world was sleeping.
Oh. Thank you, Albert.
You’re the best.
I got you.
How’s it going?
Oh, I’m just chilling.
Take your time.
[Zoe] The moon was her sun… and the sun was her moon.
The darkness was her hometown.
The only traffic, the stars crowded in the sky.
She was a Night Girl.
And this was all she had ever known.
[Zoe] That makes sense.
I bet you’re, like, a really cool teacher.
The one all the kids like the best. [chuckles]
It’s true, isn’t it?
I… I like them, too, by the way.
I knew it.
It’s like reciprocal respect going on.
I knew it. I can tell.
You’re, like, a people person.
Us weirdo science types simply can’t relate.
You’re a scientist?
It’s just what I studied in school.
You wanted to be a doctor?
No. Not even.
Okay, the truth is, and I don’t usually tell this to just, like, anybody, but…
I actually like thinking about physics.
No, I don’t really like it.
What do you do for work?
That doesn’t sound shady at all.
I edit textbooks.
Which is not as boring as it sounds.
And I also work two times a week at a club.
[Jordan] I bike to work.
Uh, I’m cooped up in the classroom all week, so I take whatever chance I get to be outdoors in the sun.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Oh, it’s dangerous to bike in the city.”
But there are a lot more bike lanes than there used to be.
So the city’s a much more bikeable city than it used to be.
Maybe we can go for a bike ride one day.
[Jordan] So you’re like a… vampire?
Usually, I go to bed at 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. and wake up around 5:00 p.m.
And what’s it called?
Delayed sleep phase syndrome.
It’s a circadian rhythm disorder.
So, what would happen if you forced yourself to… keep normal hours?
You don’t think I’ve tried that?
It feels like I’m jet-lagged all the time.
Like, my body rejects it.
That’s so wild.
[chuckles] Yeah, it is wild, I guess.
I mean, there are weird aspects, for sure.
Like, um… I’m always confused about what day of the week it is, because my days change in the middle.
Dating can be… tricky.
But there can be perks, too.
Like, I don’t have to deal with traffic or interruptions while I’m working.
I always make sure I’m back in my apartment before the daily rush of morning commuters.
So I can go weeks without laying eyes on, like, a single yoga mom or banker bro.
But the-the commuters, the moms, the-the banker bros, isn’t that, like, real life?
It’s a version of real life.
But… there’s also real life at night.
And let’s be honest.
Nighttime folks are way easier to deal with than daytime folks.
There is something really magical that kicks in when you feel like you are the only one in the world still awake.
Like the whole world exists just for you.
I like vampires.
[Vanessa] So I told him if his fucking phone is on fucking silent and that’s why he misses every single one of my fucking calls, then he can either turn that shit up or the next time he comes to my apartment to watch football because he’s too cheap to spring for the sports package, I’m gonna barricade the fucking door.
You get it, Zoe, right?
[muffled music playing]
[phone chimes, vibrates]
[♪ Mighty Clouds: “Now is the Time When All the Children Sleep”]
♪ Now is the time… ♪
Okay, wait, so you’re in a kickball league?
Like, the sport third graders play because real sports would be too hard?
That’s a… that’s a common misconception.
[chuckles] In Canada, they call it soccer baseball, which-which might be an easier way for you to conceptualize it.
Two sports in one.
A super sport, if you would.
I am on a date with a man who still plays kickball.
♪ Go to your rooms… ♪
This is, like, the least shadiest thing I’ve done today.
Just trust me. Pete!
♪ Tucked beneath sheets… ♪
Is that Zoe?
Hey, what’s up? How are things going?
Pete, Jordan. Jordan, Pete.
Usual? Well, there’s two of you this time.
[Peter] Hold on.
♪ When all the children sleep… ♪
I got you some good ones.
Oh, thank you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Pete, come on.
See you, guys. Nice to meet you.
You, too, Pete.
Delilah, the late-night radio host?
You said you wouldn’t judge.
That is an adorable first crush.
I-I used to think that… she was dedicating the love songs to me.
♪ Go to your rooms ♪
♪ Go to your beds and dream ♪
♪ Tucked beneath sheets ♪
♪ And the monsters sing ♪
♪ Now is the time ♪
♪ When all the children sleep ♪
I maintain that, in the history of our nation, we’ve never actually had free and open elections.
I and your mothers, up until very recently, were not considered citizens.
But, in our democracy, there are procedures and consequences for disenfranchising people’s right to vote.
I maintain that most people aren’t cheated out of their right to vote but are lazy and don’t value its importance, some of our mothers and fathers included.
[Zoe] When I look at social media, I go into a black hole, and I emerge hours later, lost in, like, the wedding registry of the cousin of someone I hated in elementary school.
Yes, but isn’t it the best way of keeping track of everybody?
Why would I want to keep track of everybody?
It’s my coworker.
Wait, Jordan, don’t look.
Hey! Hi, girl.
I thought that was you.
Yeah. Hey… Oh, my God.
[whispers] Be nice.
I’m telling you, he’s Bette Midler trapped in the body of a 14-year-old Puerto Rican kid.
And how he could see that as anything less than a compliment is lost on me.
Well, my kid would shit a brick if you told him that.
Wait, you have a kid?
You don’t know that she has a kid?
I guess you don’t bring him around the club very much.
Fuck no. Not that this one would notice if I did.
Guys, when I am at work, I’m working.
[Jordan] No, I d… I don’t need to see it to know.
[Zoe] You are a teacher.
You are supposed to believe in research and informed opinions.
I don’t need to research The Real Housewives to know that it’s total crap.
Okay. You’re completely wrong on this one.
You know it’s all scripted, right?
Like, the fakest of the fake.
Sometimes the situations are contrived, sure.
You actually have to watch it and listen…
No. Don’t kiss me.
The emotions are always real.
Well, you make a compelling argument.
I’m not gonna sleep with you again until you watch an episode.
I’ll download it now.
I must be dreaming.
Shh. Go back to sleep.
How can I sleep when there’s a beautiful vampire awake in my room?
Thank you for coming tonight.
Like I would miss the opportunity to watch you completely dominate soccer baseball.
It’s kickball, baby.
Oh, my God, Jor…
[laughs] What are you doing?
Oh, my God. I got to go! [laughs]
I’m already late. Bye.
[Vanessa] Hey, girl!
Thanks for letting me crash your date the other night.
Oh, yeah. You weren’t…
It wasn’t a problem.
Your boyfriend is, like, really nice.
Her boyfriend is, like, really nice.
Yeah, he is. [chuckles]
So, how’d you do it?
Get such a nice boyfriend.
Oh, sorry. [chuckles]
See you in there.
Yeah, see you in a bit.
Okay, but she uses the same excuse every time.
Like, how many precancerous moles are we supposed to believe this woman has?
Totally. You know, I mean, I don’t work out for anything.
[Billy] Oh, Zoe with wine.
Yeah. Oh, God.
It might suck. It’s just a nice label.
You got here just in time.
These bitches are trying to convince me I have too many shirtless pics on my Tinder profile.
Wait, but isn’t that, like, the point?
I’m sorry. It took me a while to get going.
There’s still a little light left.
No, no, wait. I want one of those.
Just give me one second.
Do you think that we could push, like, an hour?
Um, I just overslept, and I am still waking up, and I have a couple errands I need to run before.
You know what?
I’m totally exhausted, too. I could… I could really just go home and crash right now.
Wait, no. I just need an hour.
Okay. I just thought that… I mean, if I’d known we weren’t having dinner at all, I would’ve planned my whole day differently.
Sure, sure. Sure, an hour’s fine.
I’ll see you in a bit, okay?
Thank you, Reese.
See you later.
Oh. No, no, no, no.
Hey. Can you just let me in?
You guys, like, closed six minutes ago. I just… I just really need to pick up a prescription.
I’ll be in and out.
I would open the door for you.
[Jordan] Uh, can we have bruschetta, as well, please? And, uh…
And I’ll have a glass of Nebbiolo.
You want any wine?
What do you think?
Have a full day of work ahead of me.
I was just asking. Sometimes you…
And for you?
Would it be possible to get some scrambled eggs?
Yeah, and bacon.
That’s really all I want right now.
I know they have eggs because they serve spaghetti carbonara, and eggs is one of the main ingredients of carbonara.
That’s kind of like bacon, right?
Uh, yeah. I mean, I can certainly check with the kitchen if they…
[Zoe] I don’t know why you even have to check.
They can just scramble the eggs that we both know they have and put it on a plate with the guanciale, and it’s spaghetti carbonara minus the spaghetti.
Uh, chef does not generally allow substitutions.
But is there anything else you would like if he says no?
You know what? Forget it. It’s fine.
I’ll just have a cappuccino.
I’m going to go to the bathroom.
Hey, hey. Hey, man. Hey, listen.
Sorry about that.
[waiter] Oh, it’s no problem. It’s good.
[Jordan] She’s just not feeling well.
And-and if you could bring the cappuccino, that would be great. And then if you have eggs and you could bring the eggs, that would…
That’s fantastic. If not, that’s totally fine.
[waiter] Yeah, of course, sir.
And thanks again.
[waiter] Sure, sure.
[Jordan] Appreciate it.
So, my mom’s coming into town this weekend.
I didn’t know she was visiting.
Or did you tell me and I forgot?
She’s going on a cruise with my aunt that-that leaves from New York.
And so she’s flying in a little early to spend some time with me.
She wants to meet you.
And I want her to meet you, too.
I think we’re there. Don’t you?
So, where should we take her?
Maybe, like, a nice dinner somewhere?
Where I don’t order eggs, I promise.
Uh, the thing is she-she has to be on the boat by 4:00.
So, and-and there’s nothing that she loves more when she’s in town than to go to this dim sum place we both love in Sunset Park.
So, it’s kind of a-a-a brunch type thing.
Like, a early… early afternoon type thing.
I-I know that… I know it’s not ideal, uh, but I don’t know when she’ll be back in town again, and, uh, and like I said, I just really want… I really want to meet her, Jordan.
You know I’m fine.
I love spending time with just you.
You’re gonna have to tell her it’s her fault that I ate twice as many dumplings as I planned to, though.
I’m… I’m gonna… I’m just gonna tr-try one more time.
Um, I’m so sorry. I’m on my way.
Don’t-don’t bother. We’re-we’re almost done here.
Just glad you’re okay.
Yeah, I-I am okay.
I was, um, asleep, but I think you know that.
Like I said, just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Listen, I’m an idiot. I didn’t set my alarm because I thought I would just stay up, but I…
Just go back to bed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I’m here.
I’m here. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
Oh, wow, you so did not have to run down here.
Hi. I’m Zoe.
I’m so happy to finally get to meet you, Zoe.
Me, too. I am so, so sorry.
Oh, don’t be. It’s the weekend. You’re young.
I know how it is.
No, that’s actually not what happened, but…
Oh, it’s okay. [chuckles]
I look forward to getting to know you better next time.
Me, too. For sure.
You should get going, Ma.
Mwah. Love you.
I love you. Bye.
I am so sorry.
I know you are.
I will make it up to you.
You can’t, but it’s fine.
Well, if I can’t, then it’s not fine, so don’t say it’s fine if it’s not fine.
Okay, then, you know what? It’s not fine.
I hate that you weren’t there today.
But-but-but it’s so much more than that.
I-I… I hate that we can’t do anything normal, ever.
I hate that we can’t go for a walk or-or coffee and-and-and brunch.
I-I hate that I’m tired all the time.
I hate that I have to make excuses for you.
I hate that I can’t dream of a future with you because who knows what that’s gonna look like.
A midnight wedding?
A baby you can’t even take care of?
You think about things like that?
I don’t let myself, because it seems like a future like that isn’t possible with you.
Okay, so what do you want me to say?
I mean, I’ve been upfront with you from the very beginning.
But it’s been on your terms ever since then.
I’ve been subsisting on, like, no sleep just to hang out with you, and you can’t even set an alarm to… to meet my mom.
It’s a medical condition, Jordan.
It’s not some, like, lifestyle choice.
I thought you understood that.
But great to know what you’d be like if I got sick someday.
If you were actually sick, I’d take care of you.
What does that mean?
So you don’t think this is real?
Like… just say it, Jordan.
Just say it. I can tell you want to say it, so just say it.
Or do you save your honesty for when you’re secretly apologizing to waiters on my behalf?
You say you have to make excuses for me, but what you don’t get is that it’s not an excuse if the problem is real.
I just think it’s a convenient condition for an introvert who doesn’t maybe really want to engage with the world anyway.
Because this has made my life so convenient.
I-I-I… I need time.
Just like that?
♪ A perfect, perfect moon in the garden ♪
♪ Perfect, perfect light ♪
♪ A perfect, perfect day ♪
♪ To say another good night ♪
♪ A perfect, perfect winter into summer ♪
♪ A perfect, perfect sky ♪
♪ A perfect, perfect day to say goodbye ♪
So, um, tonight, your reading should cover the, uh… the Kent State shooting.
That was in the chapter we read last night.
Okay, um, so let-let’s go through it together.
No, three PBRs, two Heinekens.
Hey, girl. What’s up?
Do you maybe want to go get some food or something when we’re done tonight?
That sounds nice, but I got to go right to sleep tonight.
I’m getting a procedure tomorrow.
It’s no big deal, but I don’t want to get anesthesia on, like, no sleep, you know?
[door opens, closes]
[singsongy] Hello? Good morning.
Oh, my… Sorry.
I’m all done.
How do you feel?
Well, a little sore, but mostly just tired.
Not as tired as you, but… tired.
Thank you for coming.
You didn’t have to do this, and…
I know I didn’t have to.
But I didn’t want you to be alone.
This stuff can be scary.
Plus, then I don’t have to be alone, either.
Oh. Come here, you.
Oh, my coffee.
No, I kind of actually think I would like to be in a cult.
You wouldn’t have to make any decisions.
It’s kind of relaxing.
You do love loungewear.
Uh-huh, I do.
And prolonged eye contact.
[Billy] I should start a cult.
Make eye contact with someone across the room.
Okay, so, the wait time is 90 minutes, but if we do one of the communal tables, it’s closer to, like, 75.
Um, you know, why don’t we just…
Just do the communal, right?
Great. I have been dying to try this place.
I read that they have an entire menu just for mimosas.
Did you bring me here to murder me?
Shit. There goes my big surprise.
How have you been?
What is this place?
A buddy of mine knows the guy who just moved out.
You-you want to check out the bedroom?
During the day, this whole living room fills with light.
And-and at night, you can do your work over there, and the moonlight comes in.
Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?
I think our mistake was trying to occupy each other’s worlds.
Then, uh, how will we live?
I just want to be near you, Zoe.
Asleep, awake, it doesn’t matter.
We can see each other in the hours that overlap.
I don’t care.
Okay, but what about all the things that you said that day on the street?
I was pissed.
I-I lost sight of the fact that, in a relationship, you choose to be with someone who is inherently living in their own reality.
I miss your reality.
I… I love your reality.
The Day Boy and the Night Girl.
It’s a fairy tale.
A witch raises two children in captivity, allowing the boy to see only day and the girl only night.
And then, one day, he stays out longer than he’s supposed to, and when it gets dark, he’s terrified.
And she finds him shaking in the garden, and she tries to comfort him.
She tells him how gentle and sweet the night can be.
And since she’s wide awake, she promises that she’ll watch over him while he’s sleeping.
[♪ Devendra Banhart: “Is This Nice?”]
And when the sun rises, he wakes up.
[voice breaking] And now she’s scared because… she’s never seen the sun.
How does it end?
He carries her in his arms while she sleeps until dark.
♪ Is this nice? Do you like it? ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Would you like me to sing you this song? ♪
♪ It begins with a question ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ I just asked one ♪
♪ And now I carry on ♪
♪ Some days you’re gonna feel ♪
♪ There’ll never again be flowers ♪
♪ Learning to count all the way up to love ♪
♪ Is this real? Do I mean it? ♪
♪ You know that I do ♪
♪ I wanna be here, really near ♪
♪ I wanna really be here with you ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ What will soon be all cloud ♪
♪ Tear in your eye ♪
♪ Yes, this is allowed ♪
♪ But you cannot give up ♪
♪ Music yet to be made ♪