Lucifer – S05E10 – Bloody Celestial Karaoke Jam [Transcript]

Lucifer, Chloe and the gang sing and dance to a slew of popular tunes while investigating a referee's murder.
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Lucifer - S05E10 - Bloody Celestial Karaoke Jam

Original release date: May 28, 2021

God decides to stay on Earth to further understand Lucifer and his life, but his presence causes people to burst into song and dance without warning; no one is aware of this beyond Angels. Lucifer decides to try discussing his problems with God, in order to try and get to the root of his problems and improve. Amenadiel reveals to Linda that Charlie is just a regular human; while Linda is relieved, Amenadiel is upset, citing the fact that Angels are better than humans. This causes an argument to emerge between the two of them, but they eventually make up when Amenadiel understands how they all are imperfect. Lucifer is frustrated by God’s meddling with his life and the constant abrupt singing, but God reveals that he was doing this unintentionally and he is losing control of his powers.

* * *

[ticking]

[chiming]

[“Wicked Game” playing]

♪ The world was on fire ♪

♪ And no one could save me but you ♪

[exhales]

♪ It’s strange what desires Can make foolish people do ♪

♪ And I never dreamed ♪

♪ That I’d meet somebody like you ♪

♪ And I never dreamed ♪

♪ That I’d lose somebody like you ♪

♪ What a wicked game to play ♪

♪ To make me feel this way ♪

♪ What a wicked thing to do ♪

♪ To make me dream of you ♪

♪ What a wicked thing to say ♪

♪ You never felt this way ♪

♪ What a wicked thing to do ♪

♪ To make me dream of you ♪

♪ Now I… ♪

♪ Wanna fall in love ♪

♪ I wanna fall in love ♪

♪ Ooh, I… ♪

♪ Wanna fall in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

[clapping]

Hmm. I forgot what a wonderful voice you were blessed with.

[chuckles] Thanks to you, right?

Well, it’s only second to my relentless honesty.

Can’t say it’s good to see you, Dad.

What are you still doing slumming it down here, anyway?

Didn’t Amenadiel tell you?

I decided to stay a while.

[scoffs] Why? So you and Michael can wreak more havoc?

Actually, Michael went home.

[Lucifer] Hmm?

Sent him to his room, did you? Wish I’d been there.

Back to my original question, what are you still doing here?

Do I need a reason to visit my sons?

Ahh. The old “answering a question with a question.” One of my favorites.

Here, let me have a go. Um, as for father-son hang time, how about when Hell freezes over? That do for you?

[sighs]

Samael.

No, no, no!

In the short time you’ve been here, you managed to screw up my one chance of happiness, so please just stay away from me!

[huffs]

[cell phone chimes]

[camera shutter clicking]

I didn’t see anything. It’s hard to in this thing.

You wanna try it on? It’s a little smelly, but you’ll see what I mean.

No, I’m good. Hi.

Detective, I was surprised to get your text.

I’m actually surprised, as well, to see you here.

I sent that text four hours ago. I didn’t think you were coming, but I’m glad you did.

Well, I just assumed that you were… that we were…

Uh, having a disagreement?

Sure, yeah, I mean, all couples have problems, but we’ll work through it. It’s normal.

Detective, you said it yourself. I’m not sure that we are a normal couple or that this is an ordinary problem.

As much as I…

No.

No what?

I thought about what you were saying and no.

I don’t believe you.

There’s no way you’re incapable of love.

No one is incapable of love. No one.

But, at the very least, we’re still partners, right?

We… We can still work together, for now?

Yes. Of course.

Okay. Good.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Hey, Ella.

[Ella] Hey.

You wanna catch Lucifer up?

[Ella] Oh, sure.

So, it was the fourth quarter.

It had just hit the two-minute warning.

Cathedral High is down by three, but they’ve got possession.

Cheerleaders…

Do you wanna… Ahem. Skip to…

Flag on the play. Right.

Well, poor Steve Rockwell here dropped dead at the 50-yard line.

Everyone thought he died of a heart attack, but Ella figured out he was murdered.

Yeah, someone wet his whistle with poison.

That blows.

Nice.

[chuckles]

What are you gonna do though, right? Another one bites the dust.

[camera shutter clicking]

[“Another One Bites the Dust” playing]

Miss Lopez, you all right?

[camera clicking in rhythm]

[player] Set, hut!

What on earth is happening?

[pom-poms rustling in rhythm]

♪ Ooh, let’s go ♪

♪ Steve walks warily down the street With the brim pulled way down low ♪

♪ Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet Machine guns ready to go ♪

♪ Are you ready? Hey, are you ready for this? ♪

♪ Are you hanging On the edge of your seat? ♪

♪ Out of the doorway The bullets rip to the sound of the beat ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

[team] Defense!

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ And another one gone And another one gone ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ Ugh! ♪

♪ Hey, I’m gonna get you, too ♪

[shouting]

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

[singing cheer]

♪ Bite the dust! ♪

♪ I’m dusted! ♪

I’m kind of dusty.

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

[grunting]

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ Hey, hey! ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Hoo, child! ♪

♪ There are plenty of ways That you can hurt a man ♪

♪ And bring him to the ground ♪

♪ You can beat him You can cheat him, you can treat him bad ♪

♪ And leave him when he’s down, yeah ♪

♪ But I’m ready, yes, I’m ready for you ♪

♪ I’m standing on my own two feet ♪

♪ Out of the doorway, the bullets rip ♪

♪ Repeating to the sound of the beat Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ And another one gone And another one gone ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I’m gonna get you, too ♪

♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

[song ends]

What…

What just happened?

Hmm? I already told you.

Poisoned whistle.

Oh.

[huffs, chuckles]

What part of “stay away from me” do you not understand?

Just wanted to see exactly what it is you do for work.

Ahh…

You’re some kind of police assistant, is that right?

Consultant.

Whatever. Just go away, Dad.

How’d you even know I was here, anyway?

Well, the singing and dancing was a bit of a giveaway.

Ah, but fun, right?

Well, I mean, yes, I…

[chuckles]

That’s beside the point.

It is not what people do at a crime scene.

Understood.

From now on, you won’t even know I’m here.

[“Another One Bites the Dust” playing]

Oh, God.

[woman] I truly have no idea who could have done this.

Is that because he had no enemies that you know of?

No, because he had so many.

Being a ref can be pretty polarizing. [sniffles]

He had to make tough calls.

A lot of people on the losing end of them would blame Steve.

I’m a teacher myself.

Mm-hmm.

The kids, the parents, they…

they take these things very seriously.

Did he have to make, uh, any of these tough calls recently?

Actually, yes, just last week.

With the Mulholland High Saints and the Benedict Canyon Wildcats.

It cost the Saints the District Championship.

People freaked out. Our house was egged, and we got threatening emails.

It was bad.

Could I take a look at those emails?

Of course. Anything.

Thank you.

So, Officer Denny here will take the rest of your statement, all right?

It’s not what people do at a crime scene.

Thank you.

I do not wanna see you again!

[chuckles] Hi.

Hi. Hey. Who were you talking to?

[sighs]

Oh, just, uh, someone in dire need of wardrobe advice.

I mean, socks with sandals. Need I say more?

Lucifer, who is that?

It’s, um…

[sighs] It’s my dad.

Your dad? As in, God?

Yes. Yes, and I know it’s probably very overwhelming, but please do not inflate his ego, Detective.

It’s big enough as it is. Here we go again.

Hi.

[chuckles] Hi, God, I… Well… I’m Chloe.

I’m guessing you already know that, but here’s something maybe you don’t know, and respectfully, sir, you are a terrible father.

I am sure you had your hands full with creating the Earth, you know, the sun, the universe, whatever, but I know what it’s like to be a working parent, and my two cents, again, respectfully, when it comes to Lucifer, you screwed up.

Big time.

You know, your kid acts up, and you kick them out of the house and go radio silent for thousands of years?

That’s just mean.

Respectfully.

It’s nice to finally meet you, Chloe Decker.

I can certainly see how much you care for my son.

He’s lucky to have you.

Right, ’cause I’m a gift?

Speaking of, I’d like to talk…

That’s probably enough for our first meet and greet.

We don’t want anyone to get smited. Yes.

Plus, we have a murder to solve.

So off you pop, Dad. Come on.

Now you see what I’ve been dealing with?

Yeah.

[grunts]

[Charlie cooing]

[Linda] What are you doing?

Oh, I, uh…

I spoke to my father.

Turns out we won’t be needing this after all.

Well, do wings come in later?

Or is it, like, a puberty thing? [chuckling]

Am I gonna find feathers next to crusty socks under his bed? [laughs]

Charlie won’t be getting wings, Linda, ever.

I’m sorry to say that our son is just a… just a normal human baby.

Well, that’s a relief!

Why do you look so sad?

Do you not realize that this is good news?

No more ugly-ass bubble wrap.

No more worrying about a head-on with a 737.

I mean, this… This… This is fantastic.

Because he can’t fly.

Yay.

Okay, wait.

You’re disappointed because you think angels are better than humans.

Don’t you?

Well, yes, Linda. We are better.

We can fly. We live forever.

There’s our superhuman strength.

I… probably shouldn’t have done that.

[metal creaking]

I’ll have Maze take a look at that.

Did I mention that we can fly?

[clears throat] I mean, no offense, Linda, but we are better.

Okay. Um, offense taken, Amenadiel.

You know what?

Why don’t you fly this bag of shit to the trash while Charlie and I go on a lame human walk?

“You ruined my life, and I’m gonna make sure you never ref another game again.

The world would be a better place if you would just drop dead.”

Subtle.

This email came from your account, JJ.

So?

So it sounds like your son threatened to kill the referee who is now dead.

Surely, you see where we’re going with this.

So you’re a linebacker for the Mulholland High Saints?

And until last week’s playoff loss to the Wildcats, you had a full scholarship to SMU on the table?

You mean until the ref made the most asinine call in the history of high school football? Yes.

So you blame Steve Rockwell for the loss of your scholarship?

Of course it’s Rockwell’s fault. He’s a stupid ref who made a stupid call.

He ruined everything for us.

Don’t you mean ruined everything for him? [chuckles]

JJ, do you even want to be an LB at SMU?

I mean, it’s a lot of acronyms to keep track of, for starters.

He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s 17.

That’s why I’m here, helping him, guiding him.

Watching him.

[“Every Breath You Take” playing]

♪ Every breath you take ♪

♪ And every move you make ♪

♪ Every bond you break ♪

♪ Every step you take ♪

♪ I’ll be watching you ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ And every word I say ♪

♪ Every game I play ♪

♪ Every night I stay ♪

♪ He’ll be watching me ♪

♪ Oh, can’t you see ♪

♪ You belong to me? ♪

♪ How my poor heart aches ♪

♪ With every step you take ♪

♪ Every move you make ♪

[Lucifer] ♪ Every move I make ♪

♪ Every vow you break ♪

♪ Every vow I break ♪

♪ Every smile I fake ♪

♪ Every claim I stake ♪

♪ He’ll be watching me ♪

[mother] ♪ I’ll be watching you ♪

♪ Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace ♪

♪ I dream at night I can only see your face ♪

♪ I look around But it’s you I can’t replace ♪

♪ I feel so cold And I long for your embrace ♪

♪ I keep crying, baby, baby, please ♪

♪ I’ll be watching you ♪

[Lucifer] ♪ Every breath I take ♪

♪ Every move I make ♪

♪ Every bond I break ♪

♪ Every step I take ♪

[mother] ♪ I’ll be watching you ♪

[Lucifer] ♪ Every single day ♪

[vocalizing]

[Lucifer] ♪ Every word I say ♪

♪ Every game I play ♪

♪ Every night I stay ♪

♪ I’ll be watching you ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ Every word I say ♪

♪ Every game I play ♪

He’ll be watching me.

[song ends]

Bastard.

Forget what she wants.

Speak for yourself, young man. Tell me, what is it you truly desire?

I… I… I wanna be in the CIA.

Oh, did not see that coming.

Mm.

The Culinary Institute of America.

I wanna be a pastry chef.

The CI what now?

[pounds table] Madam, please! Ground your helicopter.

It’s time you let this poor boy make his own decisions, and…

I… I need a word with my father.

[door closes]

Okay, if you must know, I sent that email.

[Chloe] Hmm.

But you can’t hold me.

You don’t have any evidence that I killed anyone. You wanna know why?

Because I didn’t. JJ, let’s go.

Um… I’d like to say something.

Just…

[Chloe] Excuse me.

Go ahead.

I saw Mr. Rockwell arguing with some dude in the parking lot a couple of days ago.

Mm-hmm.

I didn’t recognize the guy, but it looked intense.

Can you describe him?

Not really. Uh, tall, he was wearing, like, a ball cap.

No, but he got into, like, this really old-school yellow truck.

Does that help?

Yes. Yes, it does, thank you, JJ.

Maybe you should join the CIA.

You’re a really good spy.

You really should start listening to him.

What now?

Are you okay?

[sighing]

You thought your Dad was here?

He was, but he seems to have vanished.

[sighs] Well, at least JJ’s mom is clearly guilty as sin.

We… not exactly. No confession, no hard evidence. We can’t hold her.

My gut says that she’s innocent anyhow, so…

Even if she didn’t kill the ref, that woman is far from innocent.

Poor JJ is permanently screwed, destined to be a broken man because of his overbearing, judgmental mother.

He will never be able to live like a normal person, love like a normal person.

[sighs]

Yeah.

I feel… for him.

Best thing for JJ is to sever all ties with the tyrant, get as far away from her as possible.

Or maybe he could keep his parent close so that they could work through their issues.

Rebuild their broken relationship so that he might let go of his anger and resentment and… live a normal life.

And have normal, loving relationships. Yeah.

Huh. [exhales]

So, I’d give you the tour, but I know you’ve been spying… I mean, kindly watching over me for millennia.

Uh, the bed’s yours. I’ll take the sofa.

Clean towels in the bathroom.

But for you’s sake, don’t use my loofah. That’s gross. I got you your own.

What exactly is this about, son?

Well, remember that thing that I said about staying away from me for all eternity?

Mm-hmm.

I take it back.

I think it’s time that you and I worked on our relationship so that I may have a relationship.

Ergo… mi casa es su casa, Dad.

Hmm.

Fun.

Yeah.

Interrogation’s through those doors.

Lots of judging goes on in there. You’d like that.

Uh, donuts are here, a triumph of mankind, as I’m sure you’re aware. Here.

[laughs] Have a sprinkled.

My favorite.

Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

I prefer the ones with the little cereal bits on top.

But thank you.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it.

So where’s your throne?

[laughs]

There are no thrones here, Dad. That’s not how it works.

Right. Right, I… I knew that.

I meant metaphorically, where’s your seat of power?

You said you were very important here.

I am.

But I, you know, prefer to stand, ready for action.

[God] Hmm.

[sighs]

So you don’t have an office?

It’s open floor plan, Dad!

[mumbles] Oh, okay.

So where’s your desk?

[sighs]

Oh, Daniel, would you mind explaining to this gentleman how important I am to the investigative process?

Not now, Lucifer.

He has a desk.

Maybe if you work hard enough, you might one day rise to this man’s level.

Or you can maybe get one of these.

[Lucifer] Hmm.

Uh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Who are you?

Uh, Dan, this is… my dad.

[Dan chuckles]

[God] Hmm.

You know, the big man.

It’s God.

[gasps] Oh.

Oh.

[Lucifer] Hmm.

Hi. Hello… Huh… Hello… Uh, Mr…

Your, uh, Highness, Your Holy… [gasps]

I am, uh, D… Daniel, Detec… Detective Daniel Espinoza.

Nice to meet…

It’s, uh… It’s real nice, buddy.

It’s real nice to meet you.

Oh.

I know who you are, actually.

[Dan] Hmm.

I believe you met my wife.

Oh. Hmm.

Right.

[Dan chuckles]

I’ll be seeing you later.

Or not.

Anyway, Dad, why don’t I show you the vending machines, hmm?

Come on. [laughs]

[sighs] Have you tried Cool Ranch Puffs?

[God] No.

[elevator bell dings]

[Mazikeen] Here you go, Ella.

Lunchtime.

[Ella] What? Don’t… How dare you!

I don’t want him.

Well, he’s got a motorcycle.

[hesitates] Yeah, well, motorcycles are unsafe.

Is it a Harley?

[Mazikeen] Mm-hmm.

Just no, stop! Stop! What are you trying to do, torture me?

Totally.

[exhales] And you enjoy it, don’t you?

Hey, I’m just being me. [exhales]

Perfect the way I am.

Maze, you say that you’re bad, okay? But I think it’s just an act.

You… You put bad guys away, remember?

Handcuffed, going to jail. You make the world a better place.

You’re right.

[“Bad to the Bone” playing]

Huh!

♪ Now, listen up ♪

♪ Now on the day I was born ♪

♪ The nurses all gathered ’round ♪

♪ And they gazed in wide wonder ♪

♪ At the joy they had found ♪

♪ The head nurse spoke up ♪

♪ She said, “Leave this one alone” ♪

♪ She could tell right away ♪

♪ That I was bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

[“No Scrubs” playing]

[vocalizing]

♪ No, I don’t want your number ♪

♪ No, I don’t wanna give you mine ♪

♪ And no, I don’t wanna meet you nowhere ♪

♪ No, I don’t want none of your time ♪

♪ And no, I don’t want no scrub ♪

♪ A scrub is a guy That can’t get no love from me ♪

♪ Hanging out the passenger side Of his best friend’s ride ♪

♪ Trying to holler at me ♪

[Mazikeen] ♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ No, I don’t want your number ♪

♪ No, I don’t wanna give you mine And no… ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ No, I don’t wanna meet you nowhere ♪

♪ No, I don’t want none of your time ♪

♪ So bad ♪

♪ No, I don’t want no scrub ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Scrub can’t get no love from me ♪

♪ So bad ♪

♪ Hanging out the passenger side ♪

♪ Of his best friend’s ride Trying to holler at me ♪

♪ So bad ♪

♪ I don’t want no scrub ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Scrub can’t get no love from me ♪

♪ I’m bad, so bad ♪

♪ Hanging out the passenger side ♪

♪ I’m bad ♪

♪ Of his best friend’s ride ♪

♪ Trying to holler at me ♪

[song ends]

[sighing] Whoa.

Okay. Harley.

[Chloe] Hi.

Oh. Hi. Hey.

Uh, did you, uh, find a yellow truck?

Uh, not yet, but, um, you okay?

Oh, yeah, I just got a couple of reports back from the lab.

You know how excited I get.

First, identified the poison. Components aren’t easy to come by.

You gotta order them through hospitals, chemistry labs, places like that.

Right, so not exactly a lead, but could help narrow things later.

No, here is the juicy one.

Other than the victim’s, we found two other people’s fingerprints on Rockwell’s whistle.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

So, anything from AFIS?

Nope. But I did get a hit on EDS.

Educational Database. What, a teacher?

Nope again. A coach.

And here is the juicy juice.

He drives an old-school yellow truck.

Really?

So, uh, Dale McVey, the coach for Benedict Canyon Wildcats.

But doesn’t make sense that he’d wanna hurt Rockwell, because his bad call made the Wildcats win.

Right, but…

[Lucifer] Dad! What are you doing? You’re embarrassing me.

[God] I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it.

It’s not what you’re saying, Dad. It’s the way that you’re saying it.

Hey, Lucifer.

Hi.

And hello again to you, sir.

Good to see you two hanging out.

He doesn’t like the coffee.

I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything.

You spat it in the garbage.

See, this is how it’s always been with him.

A subtle raised eyebrow, then straight to raining frogs. Here.

Taste this, tell him it’s delicious.

Uh, not sure I should.

Go ahead, child. Taste it.

It’s fine.

Of course it’s fine.

That’s why I want her to taste it. Taste it.

[Chloe] No…

[Lucifer] Taste it!

[whispers] I just don’t think that I should get in the middle of this.

I would really prefer not to.

So, good to see you. Excuse me.

[grunts]

Now look what you did.

[groans]

Come with me.

[knocking]

Ah! Taste this.

[both sighing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Linda] I find these things are… usually never really about… the coffee.

Perhaps you two could care to discuss what this is really about?

Okay. Okay.

Okay, he comes down here, judging every little thing, which is ironic because he made every little thing.

Made all of us imperfect and then criticizes us for not measuring up.

So, photoshop your selfies, prepare ye the way for Mr. Judgy-pants.

Is this one of those times when you say one thing and mean another?

Because I certainly didn’t invent that.

If you’re referring to sarcasm,

I’m not smart-alecky enough to take credit for that.

Smart being in the title, to which I’m sure you’ll disagree.

There it goes again.

Okay. God, perhaps we should start with you.

Has Lucifer done anything recently to anger you?

[chuckles] Of course not.

I’m not angry about anything.

[chuckles] So, what? You just banished me to Hell for shiggles?

Be honest!

You were pissed that I threatened your superhero status and you were dying to punish me.

You wanted me to suffer.

It’s impossible to make him happy.

[laughs]

If I give my opinion, I’m controlling.

If I stand back and let him make his own decisions, I’m the distant father with the “mysterious ways.”

Whatever I do, he assumes the worst possible intentions.

That’s because nothing is ever good enough for you.

“Why don’t you have a desk? Why doesn’t your car have a roof?”

“Why’s your kitchen just a wall of Scotch?”

I was merely trying to take an interest in your life.

He turned my crime scene into a music video. [chuckles]

And I do believe I detected a certain baritone singing the loudest.

It’s baritone-tenor split, and I can’t help myself if the music starts.

You know that, and that’s why you’re doing it!

That’s why you’re doing it.

Time out!

Wanna know what I think?

Oh, this is where the advice comes in, so try to pay attention.

I wouldn’t want you to “misinterpret” anything.

You. You are an archangel.

You’re able to fly.

Live forever.

Coax the desires out of all humanity.

Fly.

And you… you are Almighty God.

You are the most important being in the entire universe.

You made the universe. You did that.

[Lucifer scoffs]

You’ve had millennia to evolve beyond all the petty squabbles that we have down here on Earth.

[chuckles] And yet, you haven’t.

You’re basically just like all of us. [chuckles]

I mean, maybe even worse, if you consider all the time that you’ve had to evolve… [laughs] …beyond all of this nonsense.

I mean, take this father-son discord.

So your son didn’t turn out exactly how you’d hoped.

So he can’t fly.

I think we’ve already established that I can fly.

You know what a good father does?

He loves his son.

Unconditionally.

Even if he doesn’t have a fancy pair of wings.

No matter what.

Supports him.

You smell what I’m cooking?

Uh, usually she’s quite perceptive, but I suppose everyone has an off day now and then.

I believe I smell what you’re cooking.

In fact, I think I know exactly what to do.

Get ready to be supported, son.

Okay.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Believe me, crabs are not a part of humanity you want to experience.

[chuckles] Whatever you say, son.

[sniffs, groans]

Excuse me, do you know where we can find Coach McVey?

Should be here any minute.

Great. Thank you so much.

What a lovely, sweaty room you’ve brought me to, Lucifer.

Are you two okay?

Hmm.

Couldn’t be better. I’m just happy to be here with my boy, having some affirming, receptive fun. Speaking of…

Go deep, son.

What?

Nice…

block! [chuckles]

Please tell me you’re Coach McVey.

Can I help you?

Yes…

[God] That’s my son Lucifer.

He’s a very important assist… consultant for the police.

Doesn’t have a desk because he likes to stay on the move.

Right.

I’m Detective Decker, LAPD. What can you tell us about Steve Rockwell?

I’m sorry, who?

Well, a witness said they saw you arguing a few days before his death.

Oh, you mean “unnecessary ref-ness”?

[Lucifer chuckles]

Look, not to speak ill, but that guy was a judgmental prick.

Well, it’s sort of his job to pass judgment.

Yeah, but he didn’t have to be so goddamned sanctimonious about it.

Oh, please don’t bring me into this.

[sighs] Yes, it’s not what they say. It’s the way they say it. Am I right?

Wait, you’re not here because you think I had anything to do with what happened to the ref.

I mean, I’m the last guy.

That dumb-ass call got us into the playoffs.

Then why did we find your prints on the poisoned whistle?

[Lucifer] Hmm.

Okay, maybe I need a lawyer.

Or maybe you’d like to tell us what it is that you truly desire.

I… I…

Mm-hmm.

I wanna be tackled by a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

The CIF championship would get me to the university level.

[sighs] And a few years of that, I’d be doing pros in no time.

And by doing pros, I mean, well…

[grunts]

You know what I mean. [laughs]

Yes, I know what you mean.

Excellent use of your special talent.

[sighs]

One you can’t take credit for, might I remind you, since I know we self-actualize, so yay me.

Hmm. Yes, of course.

But technically, I made you self-actualize, so, team effort. Up high!

[Chloe] Anyhow, so I did some digging.

The very same day you were seen arguing with Rockwell, you made a big withdrawal from your bank account. $5,000 in cash?

Yes, perhaps you made a deal with the referee to make a bad call and then decided not to pay up.

Look… a week before the game, I did offer him a payout, just to, like, you know, nudge things my way.

But Mr. High and Mighty… [scoffs] He turned me down.

Then we get to game time, and he actually does throw a make-or-break in my favor.

Worst call I’ve ever seen. So I figured he was just posturing before.

So I go to pay him off, he acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Threatens to turn me in.

So you killed the pious bastard to shut him up. #deservedIt.

No, I didn’t kill anyone. But I think I know how my prints got on that whistle.

A couple of days ago, someone broke into my truck, my baby.

And they took my bag. It was just dirty clothes, but… my whistle was in there.

We’re gonna need to take your truck in for processing.

You’re not gonna hurt her, are you?

Hand the keys over and I won’t hurt you.

[keys jangle]

Fine.

Thank you.

Look at you, all firm and authoritative.

Solving crimes like a real detective.

Dad! Dad, would you stop?

[exhales] Where’s this truck?

♪ If you wanna get into it We can do it right now ♪

♪ Come on… ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Lucifer told me that you found out about us.

It must be quite a shock for you, Dan, learning that the celestial world does, in fact, exist.

And if my divinity makes you uncomfortable at all, I’d be happy to give you some space.

Yeah, whatever. You’re an angel. It’s fine.

But something funny did happen to me today.

I met your dad.

You know, God? The Almighty?

I’m familiar.

Maybe I misunderstood.

But I think he suggested that Charlotte was his wife.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

For a while, my mom, the Goddess Almighty, was… inhabiting… Charlotte’s body.

Right.

Yeah.

And, you know, I’m just wondering, um…

Mm-hmm.

Was the Goddess ever inhabiting Charlotte’s body while I was… inhabiting Charlotte’s body?

See, I prefer not to talk about this, Dan. But I do believe that there was some, um… overlap.

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

And when the Bible says that your dad is a, uh, jealous God, is that, like, a literal thing?

I mean, surely he’s way above all those… petty human foibles and feelings, right?

You know, like, um, jealousy or like murderous, revenge-driven rage?

Well…

No.

[scoffs]

I don’t believe he is above those things.

[Dan sighs]

Huh. [chuckles]

But when it comes down to it, Dan, I mean… we celestials are pretty much the same as you.

Petty foibles and feelings and all.

Well, that solves that.

I slept with God’s wife. [cackling]

Which means I’m definitely going to Hell.

Whoo! Can I get a drink, please?

[“Hell” playing]

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene all day ♪

♪ But tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay ♪

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene all day ♪

♪ And tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay ♪

♪ Now, people, listen attentively I mean about future calamity ♪

♪ I used to think the idea was obsolete ♪

♪ Until I heard The old man stamping his feet ♪

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene all day ♪

♪ And tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Beauty, talent, fame, money Refinement, top skill and brains ♪

♪ But all the things you try to hide ♪

♪ Will be revealed on the other side ♪

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ You could be headed For the serious strife ♪

♪ Now you make the scene all day ♪

♪ And tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay ♪

[cheering]

[confetti popping]

[woman laughing]

[God] Such a lively place you have.

Right, that’s it!

This bloody celestial karaoke jam, it has to stop.

Okay, son.

From now on, ix-nay on the usic-may.

Just as soon as this is over.

♪ In the afterlife… ♪

Oh, now he’s dancing.

[groans] Excuse me. Thank you.

♪ And tomorrow there’ll be Hell to pay ♪

[groans]

Dance, children!

[woman laughing]

[song ends]

[God] Morning.

[snorts]

Dad!

Made you breakfast.

Dad, boundaries.

Oh, please! You think this is the first time I’ve seen you naked?

[gasps]

In fact, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a naked body in this room, on this couch, on that desk, on the banister, on the floor, on the piano…

Just give me the tray, please.

[sighs]

I…

Try the coffee.

[Lucifer huffs]

[God] Hmm? Yeah?

[sips] Mm.

[God] What do you think?

[Lucifer] Mmm.

Oh, it’s a little bitter.

[God] Hmm.

Where’d you get it?

Bolivia. I picked it up this morning.

Oh.

[God] Single source, organic.

[sniffs]

A wonderful farmer, aptly named Jesús.

Had this unique roasting method…

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! It’s incredible, okay? You win!

Son.

I am not trying to win.

I just want what’s best for you. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing.

You’re right.

I’m sorry… [inhales]

And thank you for the coffee.

You’re welcome.

Hmm.

So, when are we going back to work?

I am going now, actually, Dad, but I think you should take the day off.

You know, rest, chill.

Yeah, I usually chill after six days of work.

[sighs]

Besides, what else would I do?

I don’t know, Dad. Don’t you have other children to harass?

I mean… visit?

[chuckles]

[elevator bell dings]

So the other thing is we processed McVey’s truck, which was filthy, by the way.

I mean, that is one dirty, dirty man.

Hmm?

Um, never mind.

Anyway, other than the trash, we found some long hairs stuck down by where he said he kept his gym bag.

Lab reports say that those hairs were dyed orange and blue.

Temporary dye, the kind that rinses out.

What, the kind fans use for football games?

Yeah. And it looks like Rockwell has indeed reffed for a school whose colors are orange and blue. Van Ness High.

But that’s not one of the schools involved in that controversial call.

He was a ref for a long time. Probably made some stinky calls over the years.

Maybe Van Ness was one of ’em?

Definitely possible.

But whoever killed Steve must’ve known about the fight between him and McVey.

Right. Or they wouldn’t have known who to frame.

Okay. I’ll call JJ, see if he saw anyone from Van Ness in the parking lot the night of the argument, and thank you, El.

De nada.

[Lucifer whistling]

Hello, Detective.

Hi. You’re in a good mood. Things going well with your dad?

Only ’cause he’s not here at the moment.

Personally, I’ve had it up to here with his sacrosanct American Idol.

What are you talking about?

That’s right.

Humans don’t seem to realize, but Dad has been making people break out into song and dance at his every whim.

And it could not be more patronizing.

Wow, yeah. That… that is weird.

Well, not really. It’s just like him to decide something’s so inadequate it requires a sacred zhuzh.

Classic Dad. Always judging. [chuckles]

Can you imagine living with that? Eon after eon.

Yes, yes. Imagine.

What are you looking for?

Witness statement. [scoffs]

What do you know. Wanna take a trip to Van Ness High?

Sorry we’re just walking, baby.

I know it’s not as cool as flying.

[coos]

But, at least we’ve got each other. Right?

[“Just the Two of Us” playing]

♪ I see the crystal raindrops fall ♪

♪ And the beauty of it all ♪

♪ Is when the sun comes shining through ♪

♪ To make those rainbows in my mind ♪

♪ When I think of you sometime ♪

♪ And I wanna spend some time with you ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ From the first time The doctor placed you in my arms ♪

♪ I knew I’d meet death Before I’d let you meet harm ♪

♪ Although questions arose in my mind Would I be man enough ♪

♪ Against wrong Choose right and be standin’ up? ♪

♪ From the hospital That very first night ♪

♪ Took an hour Just to get the car seat in right ♪

♪ People drivin’ all fast Got me kinda upset ♪

♪ ‘Cause I know I loved you More than life itself ♪

♪ To my knees, I begged the Lord ♪

♪ “Please let me be a good daddy All he needs” ♪

♪ Love, knowledge, discipline too ♪

♪ I pledge my life to you ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Daddy loves you, Daddy loves you ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Huh! Yeah! ♪

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ For the rest of your life ♪

♪ I said, the rest of your life ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Just the three of us, yeah ♪

♪ Just the three of us Just the three of us ♪

[song ends]

Detective! Hi.

What are you…

Wait. Did you catch Steve’s killer?

No, but we do have a new lead.

Seems like the killer came from this school and not one of the two involved with the bad call.

Yes, someone with an abundance of school spirit.

Well, I wish I could help you, but there’s hundreds of students at this school.

Unless you have a way to narrow it down.

Actually, we do.

We tested the poison that killed your husband, and the chemical components can’t be bought over the counter, but they could be ordered from, say, a school chemistry lab.

Okay. You’re not suggest…

Did Steve tell you that he argued with Coach McVey?

I mean, he might have mentioned it, but like I said, Steve had a lot of enemies.

But only one who left their hair behind while stealing McVey’s whistle.

[Lucifer] It must have been difficult living with someone so judgmental.

Anyhow, we’re gonna take the hair, and we’re going to run it against your DNA, so if there’s a match…

[sobbing] You can’t imagine.

Nothing was ever right.

“The chicken was overcooked.”

“The TV’s on motion smoothing. My socks aren’t white enough.”

“Your coffee sucks.” Believe me, I know.

Twenty years. [scoffs]

Nothing was ever gonna change. [sniffles] No matter what I did.

I had to get out.

Please.

Please understand.

Darla Rockwell, you’re under arrest for the murder of your husband.

[yells] I don’t think so!

What? [gasps]

Thank you.

[blows] Ugh!

Bloody polyester mix.

How did you? It’s…

You okay?

[scoffs] Yes.

Of course I am.

[Lucifer sighs]

Hi.

You know, as loony as that poor woman is, she does make a fair point.

People don’t change. And I’m afraid dear old Dad isn’t going to, either.

[chuckles] Yes, but it’s only been one day.

And every day before that since the beginning of time.

No, I mean that it’s only been one day since you’ve been trying to make amends.

You can’t fix thousands of years of pent up issues overnight.

I’m not sure that there are enough nights.

I think we may simply be too far gone.

I may be too far gone.

I refuse to believe that, Lucifer. I… I have faith in you. I… I know that you’ll work through this. I… I know you will.

[both sigh]

[sighs]

Sweet dreams, baby.

[“Smile” playing]

♪ Smile, though your heart is aching ♪

♪ Smile, even though it’s breaking ♪

♪ When there are clouds in the sky ♪

♪ You’ll get by ♪

♪ If you smile Through your fear and sorrow ♪

♪ Smile and maybe tomorrow ♪

♪ You’ll see the sun come Shining through ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ Light up your face with gladness ♪

♪ Hide every trace of sadness ♪

♪ Although a tear ♪

♪ May be ever so near ♪

♪ That’s the time You must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile ♪

♪ What’s the use of crying? ♪

♪ You’ll find That life is still worthwhile ♪

♪ If you just smile ♪

[song ends]

[elevator bell dings]

[God] How was your day, son?

Incendiary. How was yours?

Really good.

I took your advice and went to see Amenadiel.

Oh.

He’s gonna be a wonderful father.

[scoffs] Hmm.

[sighs]

Sama…

Lucifer.

I wish I could…

[sighs] I want to… know what you’ve done to your suit.

Don’t suddenly pretend you’re not omnipotent.

But if you wanna make fashion small talk, I had a run-in with a lady. We had bad chemistry.

Well, I’m glad you’re okay.

How could I not be, Dad? No one can hurt me, remember?

I am dandy!

Just perfect.

Completely unscathed and forever invulnerable.

I definitely believe this is one of those times you’re saying one thing and mean another.

[chuckles] You know…

it was bad enough, rejecting me, forcing me down to Hell.

But I had a life here. I had a good thing!

The Detective, she made me vulnerable, but it was… [exhales]

It was terrifying, but it was also amazing, because for the first time in my long, hopeless life,

[voice breaking] I… I felt something.

[sniffles]

And then you just turn up and you… you… you ruin it!

You throw it all away. Why?

[“I Dreamed a Dream” playing]

♪ I dreamed a dream in times gone by ♪

♪ When hope was high And life worth living ♪

♪ I dreamed that love would never die ♪

♪ I dreamed that God would be forgiving ♪

♪ But I was young and unafraid ♪

♪ And dreams were made And used and wasted ♪

♪ There was no ransom to be paid ♪

♪ No song unsung, no wine untasted ♪

♪ But the tigers come at night ♪

♪ With their voices soft as thunder ♪

♪ As they tear your hope apart ♪

♪ As they turn your dream to shame ♪

♪ And still I dream she’ll come to me ♪

♪ That we will live the years together ♪

♪ But there are dreams that cannot be ♪

♪ And there are storms we cannot weather ♪

♪ I had a dream my life would be ♪

♪ So different from this Hell I’m living ♪

♪ So different now from what it seems ♪

♪ Now life has killed the dream ♪

♪ I dreamed ♪

[song ends]

[God] Oh, my son, the Light Bringer.

So full of light… that it blinds even you sometimes.

[inhales] What does that mean?

It means, I understand… that you’re angry at me.

And I’m so very sorry about that.

So, you’re sorry for me, but you’re not sorry for what you’ve done.

I didn’t say that.

But I will say that I cannot fix you, Lucifer.

But you’re God.

[sighs]

[sniffles] Okay, fine.

If you can’t fix me, Dad, then at least stop trying to control me.

How do I control you?

You just made me sing again!

I mean, it has to stop, Dad. [sobs]

Actually, I… I don’t think that’s possible.

[groans] Right, well, if you’re not gonna try, then I don’t know why I should bother.

It’s not that I won’t.

It’s that I’m not sure I can. [sobs]

[scoffs]

What does that mean?

My powers, son.

[shudders]

I think I’m losing control of them.

Dad?

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