Lucifer – S05E09 – Family Dinner [Transcript]

Chloe and Ella investigate a mini-golf murder. Lucifer, Michael, Amenadiel and Linda prepare for the holiest of family dinners.
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Lucifer - S05E09 - Family Dinner

Original release date: May 28, 2021

God arrives just in time to stop the fighting, telling Lucifer, Amenediel & Michael to reconciliate, inviting all of them to a ‘family dinner’, which enrages Lucifer and shocks everyone. Meanwhile, Chloe feels that she may have rushed Lucifer into confessing his love for her, so she decides to ‘give him some space’. Maze drops by to meet God, and she asks for a soul, but he refuses to give her one, enraging her into leaving. Lucifer and the others arrive at the dinner at Linda’s house, but it quickly evolves into a heated argument between Lucifer and Michael, until God finally raises his voice to stop it. Lucifer leaves, frustrated with his father. Not long later, for reasons unknown, God banishes Michael from earth. Later, Lucifer talks to Chloe and tells her that he cannot say that he loves her, because he feels that due to him being so much like his father, it would be a lie.

* * *

Father. [hesitates] You’re here.

Well, you’ve got my attention.

Oh, Father, thank you for coming. You… you saw how they were attacking me? And look what Lucifer did to my face.

Yes, of course, oh, this is all my fault. Go on, go ahead, Dad, blame it all on me, like always.

No, Father, this is all my fault. I lost control and froze time, and as the eldest brother, I should’ve kept a better handle on my siblings. I’m truly sorry.

I don’t care who’s at fault. I just want my sons to get along.

[scoffs]

Regardless of what’s happened, we’re family. Let’s act like it.

Good point, Father. [sighs] Come on. Bring it in.

Uh…

Come on. Here.

You’ve got to be joking. No! Hell, no!

Come now, Samael.

[shudders]

Michael impersonated me, tried to ruin my life. Kidnapped the woman that I… [huffs] He is behind every bad thing that’s ever happened to me! Well, everything apart from you. And for someone who’s supposed to be omniscient, it’s amazing that you never actually see that! And apparently never will. [scoffs] [scoffs]

[mouths] Now?

Is that my grandson over there? Huh.

[chuckles]

Well, now, this won’t do at all.

[clamoring]

What just happened? And who are you?

[sighs]

Hey, oh, my God, are you okay? That must’ve been a crazy big earthquake.

Yeah.

Yeah, I’m fine.

Hey, wait. Uh… have you seen Lucifer?

Um, no, sorry.

[high-pitched ringing]

Where is he?

[rock and roll playing on piano]

[cheering]

Ha-ha! Yeah!

[shouting]

[laughs]

Whoo! [laughs]

Here we go!

Big!

[cheering]

[laughs]

Yeah!

Whoo!

Mmm!

[exhales]

Hi.

Detective! Where have you been?

Hey. Um, can I talk to you for a second?

Absolutely!

[dance music playing]

Hey, so, uh, what happened back at the precinct?

When we were talking, and, uh, you were about to say… or at least I thought… I knew what you were about to say, and then I blinked, and, well, suddenly, no you.

Detective, I’m sorry. [exhales]

I needed to get away. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Take it”?

People! Telling me what to do, especially…

Me?

No.

No, Detective, I’m sorry, I…

It’s okay. I… I think I pushed you too far, and it wasn’t fair of me to do that, and I get why you ran away.

But that’s not why I ran.

No, I… I understand.

I really do. Um…

You know, I think, uh, maybe I’ll just give you some time, and, um, when-when you’re ready,

I’ll be ready to listen.

Okay?

[Charlie cooing]

Yep.

You’re really here.

[sighs] I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

I met Eve and the Goddess of all creation.

I even thought I met you once, but still… [chuckles]

Yeah, I’m never gonna get used to this. Mnh-mnh.

You can poke all you want.

Because I’m eternally grateful to you… for this beautiful grandson.

Yeah.

Who’s the cutest little baby?

Yes, it’s you.

That’s right.

[chuckles]

My angel baby is technically God’s grandkid.

Do you need a drink?

Water? Wine?

Is it all the same to you?

Yeah, I’m gonna get some options. Okay.

Father, I do have to tell you that Lucifer was right.

Michael has made quite a mess here on Earth.

And I’m afraid he’s not done. He’s up to something.

Day-to-day isn’t important, my son.

This is important.

Family’s important.

Yes, I agree.

And that’s, um… that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

About Charlie and, uh…

Father, is he…

Adorable?

Yes, he is, my son.

God’s honest truth.

Yes, but, Father, I…

You know what?

Being here gives me an idea.

Yeah?

I think I know just what this family needs.

You know, Dan, you really should stay home.

Just take some time off.

Learning the truth about Lucifer, it’s a lot.

I’ve been there.

I’m guessing you handled it better. Or did you shoot him too?

[scoffs] I didn’t, but I did almost poison him with the help of an evil priest.

[laughs] I genuinely can’t tell if that’s a joke or not.

Take some time, Dan.

Look, I just wanna work.

You know? Hell, you’re the one who was kidnapped. You should take some time off.

Touché.

How are you doing, by the way?

I noticed Lucifer’s not here.

Well, we… we hit a snag, and he’s dealing with some things, and I may have rushed him a bit, so I’m giving him space, but he’ll figure it out.

We’re strong enough to get through this.

Well, at least Ella’s taking some time off.

[scoffs] Yeah.

[Dan] Oh. Hey, Ella.

Before you start, no, I am not going home.

I need to focus on the case.

Okay.

Really?

I had, like, five pretty solid arguments ready.

I mean, if you wanna hear them…

No, we’re good.

We’re good.

What do we have?

[Ella sighs]

Vic was Chris Peterson.

COD seems to be blunt force trauma to the head.

I think he hit his head on the cement, but it’s kind of hard to tell, thanks to his BBQ-ed bod.

[exhales] Looks like someone was trying to burn down the hole.

Maybe Chris stepped in, tried to stop ’em?

Yeah, we found gasoline all over this place.

Someone was trying to burn down the entire Kingdom.

Lucky for the owners, the cement stopped the fire from spreading, but…

Who was he? One of the workers?

No, this place is family-owned, so the dad and the kids all work here and run this place.

And this was the youngest son.

Any witnesses?

No. But the three kids were here, working after hours, but they say they didn’t see any struggle or hear any arguments.

They just saw the fire, rushed out, only to find…

The body of their burned brother.

Well, let’s go talk to them, see if any of them wanted their brother dead.

Oh, way ahead of you. I know exactly how to find the killer.

You do?

[Ella] Hell, yeah.

See, all you have to do is introduce me to all of the suspects.

And whichever one I’m most attracted to, bam, that’s your killer.

Ella.

Hey, I’m at peace with it.

If I’ve got a broken picker, might as well use it for the greater good, right?

What are you gonna say to her? Something romantic?

You have that look on your face.

Well, not anymore.

What do you care?

Why even ask? You’re all-knowing, don’t you already know the answer?

Hmm. Father’s intuition.

Well, intuit yourself somewhere else.

Actually, no.

Why are you still here?

Isn’t the universe gonna collapse with your you-like powers on Earth?

Hmm.

[ball rattles in cup]

[bell tolling]

[sighs]

It’s fine.

Is it?

Well, as always, thanks for clearing that up. Now, if you don’t mind… I’ve come to ask you something.

Well, go on, then.

I’d like you to join me.

For a family dinner.

[laughs] Yeah?

No.

Pass. Hard pass.

[God] Son.

I don’t wanna leave Earth until we’ve all talked.

Well, enjoy your eternity here, then, because there is absolutely no way I am sitting down for anything as absurd or torturous as a family dinner.

I’ve already done my time in Hell.

Remember?

[exhales] Good morning.

Lucifer. I thought you needed space.

Nope, no space needed. I’m right where I need to be. So, where’s the family?

Well, the siblings are over there, but how did you know…

One of them is obviously the killer.

He doesn’t even know what the crime is.

No, he’s probably just projecting his latest issues.

He’s projecting his latest issues.

What, and that’s a good thing?

He thinks it’s the family. I… I thought he was upset with me for rushing him, but he’s not. He…

He’s mad at his own family.

Of course.

I should have stayed home.

The Kingdom was built from the ground up by our father.

Everyone in the family has a role in keeping the place running, but Chris, he never settled into his role.

In… In fact, he… he left a few years back to work for himself.

So, what you’re saying is the wayward son rebelled against the family, forged his own path, and then you killed him.

What? We… we would never.

We were all still close, even though Chris left.

And look, he died protecting it. He… he died a hero.

Do any of you know anyone who’d wanna burn the place down?

Yeah, Juan Perez.

And who’s Juan?

He is the owner of Hole in Juan.

[laughs] See what he did there?

Sorry. You were saying.

[man] Another mini-golf course a couple of blocks away.

We’ve had a rivalry for years, but lately it’s gotten pretty intense.

We always pranked each other. He stole our balls.

We rearranged his putt-putt statues in suggestive positions.

Ah, well, if you appreciate that, you’ll love what I did with your squires on the second hole.

And to their second holes.

Yes, but a prank war isn’t motive for murder.

[woman] Things escalated lately.

Last week, Juan spray-painted this on the side of our castle.

[Chloe] “I will destroy you.”

Yes, but are you sure it was him?

He signed it.

Okay, well, I say we start there.

[exhales]

♪ I’d give you everything If you would give it all back to me… ♪

Well, I mean, you know, I’m actually happy you think it’s the family.

It’s comforting.

Listen, if you wanna talk about what’s going on with your own family, I’m here for you, but no pressure at all.

[engines revving]

Juan Perez?

Yeah?

LAPD.

[gears rattle]

[engine turns over]

[tires screech]

[engine powers off]

Whoa-whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Feeling guilty about something, Juan?

[rattles]

We wanna talk to you about the murder of Chris Peterson.

Chris is dead?

Clearly you don’t think that…

Okay, clearly you do.

Look, I would never…

You ran from the cops.

I thought you were arresting me for the ZX3!

It’s an illegal…

Chemical used in street racing.

Surprisingly useful in other ways. We’re familiar.

So you were juicing your carts with ZX3?

[chuckling] Yeah. Fastest in the whole state.

Yeah, the kids can’t get enough of ’em, so…

But if things are going well for you, why would you threaten to destroy the Kingdom?

‘Cause they think they’re better than us, looking down from their fancy castle. Whatever.

Look, with my super-fast carts, my brand-new arcade, and hey, guys, you have to play in the Family War Zone.

Do I?

Uh, we’re good. Do you have an alibi for last night around 10:00 p.m.?

Yeah, I was getting lit up by a bunch of tweens in my new laser tag arena, which I totally forgot to mention.

See? Rivalry over.

That’s what I told Chris when he came here looking for a job.

Chris came to you for a job?

Yeah, but I would never employ a Peterson.

I figured Chris had to be a spy.

Thank you, Juan.

It’s weird that the family would never mention that.

I don’t think it’s weird at all, because they killed him.

Yes, but if he’d left the family business, then why would he want a job here?

[woman] Mini-golf was all Chris knew.

Job after job, real estate, chiropractor school…

My boyfriend, he just… he couldn’t shake the love of the game.

We are still talking about mini-golf, right?

[Lucifer and woman chuckle]

I know it sounds silly.

I never understood it either, but try as he might, he couldn’t get away from it.

Well, if Chris wanted to work in mini-golf so badly, why wouldn’t he just go back to the Kingdom?

Because his family was a dysfunctional heap of garbage who made his life a living hell?

I’m sorry for my partner.

No, he’s right.

They’re awful.

Um, sorry, the family said that they got along great with Chris.

[both chuckle]

They’re the reason he left in the first place.

Chris couldn’t stand being around any of them.

I see.

Did you know that Chris had applied for a job at Hole in Juan?

No, I didn’t.

But it makes sense.

He’d never go back to the Kingdom. He’d rather…

Burn it down. That’s what I tried to do with the Silver City.

[chuckles] Not that I’m comparing the two.

Fewer windmills up there.

Right, excuse us.

Lucifer, you might be right. It might be someone in the family after all.

Well, of course it is. [scoffs]

Hello, Mazikeen.

I’ve been waiting for you.

I made your favorite drink.

That isn’t my favorite drink.

We’ll see.

[God] Mm. Mmm.

Hmm.

It’s… okay.

[God] Hmm.

[Mazikeen] Mm.

Where is everybody?

Well, I sent Michael to Florence to get truffles.

Linda’s taken Charlie for a walk, and Amenadiel is off on a personal errand.

So it’s just you and me.

You can ask what you’ve come to ask.

[clears throat]

I want you to give me a soul.

Please.

Why do you want one?

Because everyone has one except me.

That’s why I can’t… connect.

Why I’m so alone.

Mazikeen.

You’re perfect just the way you are.

[laughs] What the hell does that mean?

It means I can’t help you.

Can’t?

Or won’t?

Still think I’m perfect now?

You… are you.

And I’d never change that.

You know what I think, hmm?

I think you messed up when you made demons.

When you made me.

I think you made a mistake.

And you don’t wanna admit it.

[door opens, closes]

[sighs]

♪ So down, so deep… ♪

Nope.

♪ Nobody has nothing on me ♪

What are you doing here, brother?

Solving a very important case.

A mini-golf murder. High-stakes stuff.

Father is here, Lucy.

On Earth.

You heard me say mini-golf, right?

Wha…?

He wants to see us.

Talk to us. I mean, we can finally get some answers.

[chuckles]

Well, based on my conversations with him so far, not bloody likely.

[sighs] You know, he’s hardly said a word to us our entire lives, brother, and now he suddenly wants to catch up.

What next?

A game of rounders in the park? A little push on the swings?

Would you stop playing silly buggers?

I like to see it as a gesture, Lucy.

[scoffs]

And one that I think that we should seriously consider.

[sighs] Brother.

You’ve done so well getting out from under dear old Dad’s thumb.

Becoming your own man.

But one fatherly slap on the back and you’re back to being his dutiful lackey, aren’t you?

Lackey?

Mm-hmm.

Well, look who’s talking.

Father shows up for one minute, Lucy, one minute, and you go right back to being a spoiled child, stomping off to pout!

I wasn’t pouting! Now look what you did.

[exhales] Listen, Lucy, I… I know that Dad has been a bit careless in the past, distant.

[scoffs]

All right, he’s been a real ass.

Hmm.

But he’s our father, Lucy.

Yes.

Our almighty, all-powerful dad who will never admit to being anything other than perfect.

Well, guess what, brother. He can kiss my imperfect, banished backside!

Lucy.

Yeah.

[Amenadiel sighs] Right.

Wow.

Things are looking really clean in here.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I’m waiting on lab results, so I thought I’d catch up on some maintenance.

[clicks tongue]

Beakers are clean, so you know what that means.

What’s that?

Pipette time!

I throw myself into work when I’m dealing with something too.

Oh, I’m fine.

Ella, none of us saw this coming. Pete had all of us fooled.

He had me fooled.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

I mean, after all, you had sex with him too.

So it’s a little different, right?

Right.

Listen, I can’t pretend to understand how you’re feeling, but I did just go through an experience where someone I thought I knew wasn’t… who I thought he was.

Hard to beat a secret serial killer.

[chuckles] You’d think.

Listen, the point is… so many people wear masks, Ella.

They… they hide who they really are.

But not you.

You put yourself out there, heart first.

The downside is you get hurt more easily.

[scoffs] Ain’t that the truth.

But the upside is you put so much love into the world, Ella.

Please don’t let this change that, change you.

We need more people like you out there, Ella.

Not less.

[Lucifer] Oh.

[sighs]

Lucifer. Okay, so, new theory…

Unh-unh. Just hold that thought.

Here. It’s slightly right edge.

Go on, you were saying?

Right. So wayward son Chris attempted to burn down the Kingdom.

One of the siblings, at least, found him mid-arson.

They must have got into a fight about it, and Chris ended up dead.

[exhales] The poor lad just wanted a fresh start, and now he finds himself cast down into Hell… I’m… I’m assuming.

Anyone that fixated on mini-golf must have issues.

Right.

[exhales]

So, say Chris was you.

[Lucifer] Hmm.

Uh, then the killer would be who?

Michael?

Detective, why are you bringing my brother into this?

Well, because you’re having family issues, and rather than fight that, I thought I would use that to help you.

You know, to help us to solve the case.

Very well, if you insist.

Great. Let’s go find our Michael.

Okay.

[exhales]

[Chloe clears throat]

Uh, did you have any grievances with Chris?

No. Of course not. We all loved him.

We were one big, happy…

…family.

[scoffs] No such thing.

We should arrest them for that lie alone.

We heard otherwise.

You have?

Uh, from who?

Hmm. [clicks tongue]

Was it Larry? Of course it was.

Did Ted tell you that I have a problem with April?

Huh? Wait! They’re both liars.

It wasn’t enough for you to manipulate your poor, misunderstood brother, you had to ruin his life as well?

Ruin his life?

Kill. He means kill… his life.

Well, I had nothing to do with it.

No.

I swear.

So all three of you claim to have been working the night of the murder.

So what were you doing?

Maintenance.

On the arcade games.

Updating the books.

Cleaning the toilets.

And can your siblings corroborate that?

Sure.

I mean, I don’t know if Ted will.

He was gone a while.

I wasn’t there the entire night.

I went out to the parking lot to make out with my new girlfriend.

Ugh. Have you seen Ted?

No one wants to smash that.

[chuckles] Unless he’s paying her.

I wasn’t paying!

You should talk to April. She disappeared for a while.

She was “in the bathroom.”

I was smoking pot. Okay? It’s the only way I can deal with my brothers.

Understandable.

What did April do? Come in here and whine?

You know, Larry was always jealous of Chris.

If either of those idiots did it, it was him.

Jealous. Looks like we found our Michael.

Hmm. He seems more like an Amenadiel to me.

[sighs] Unless he’s a Michael pretending to be an Amenadiel.

Michael never pretends to be Amenadiel. They look nothing alike.

No, I mean…

[sighs] No, just, never mind.

Look, I’m sorry, Detective. I think I need a moment.

Excuse us. Lucifer, I…

[sighs]

Listen, what if they’re all Michaels?

Look how quickly they turned on each other.

Perhaps.

[Chloe sighs]

What if they apologized to you?

To me?

I mean, to Chris.

I don’t understand. What good is apologizing to a dead body?

[officer] Detective.

Yes.

I’m Peter Peterson, and I, um…

Have the greatest name ever. [chuckles]

I’m the father of…

Chris Peterson, yes.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you. But I’m afraid you’re after the wrong suspects.

Right.

Well, with all due respect…

I killed my son.

And I can’t let another one of my children suffer because of my mistakes.

I dropped by the, uh, Kingdom last night.

I saw Chris take a gas can from the shed.

I tried to stop him, of course, but we fought and… I mean, it was an accident, but… I killed my own son.

I see.

Well, thank you for that. Would you please take his full statement?

I’ll be with you in a minute.

All right. I’m… Lucifer.

Are you okay?

I am, Detective.

You know, hearing that confession felt great, actually, like exactly what I’ve been searching for.

I think I now know exactly what I need to do.

♪ I got a fever Running up a hundred degrees ♪

♪ I am a real king Gather ’round and follow my lead ♪

♪ I’m like a dust storm ♪

♪ Going down in history ♪

♪ History… ♪

I’m sorry, Father, but we shouldn’t be surprised.

I mean, Lucifer isn’t mature enough.

Sorry I’m late!

♪ Not gonna wanna mess with me ♪

I brought soufflé.

Risen perfectly, just as you like ’em.

[sighs]

[chair scrapes]

[clears throat]

I’m glad you came, son.

Me too.

[exhales]

Yeah, I find that, at family events, a couple of bottles help.

[chuckles]

To start.

Okay. I’m off.

You’re not joining us, Linda?

Well, this is a family dinner, and, well, I’m… not.

You are the mother of my grandchild.

Of course you’re family.

[whispers] You were so close.

I know.

[clears throat]

Well, this smells delicious, Father.

You have outdone your always-divine touch.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Aren’t you forgetting something?

Well, shouldn’t we say grace?

[scoffs]

I’ll say it?

Okay.

[clears throat]

I’d like to thank God for…

[chuckles]

I’m used to you being up there. [clears throat]

Thank you, God, for this food and the company, and… oceans and napkins and shoes and life.

Yeah, that about covers it, Doctor.

Thank you. Amen.

[Linda clears throat]

That was beautiful, Linda.

Thank you.

I just thanked God for napkins.

It was better than I would have done.

Okay.

Well.

Let’s dig in.

[Michael sighs]

Well, isn’t this great?

Wonderful meal with family.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

[sighs] I mean, you.

I mean…

[God and Linda chuckle]

This is… this is delicious.

Almost…

Heavenly?

[sighs]

[laughing]

All it takes is just the right amount of rosemary.

You know, I have to compliment you, Michael.

At first, I thought you exploiting poor Amenadiel’s fears about Charlie’s mortality was just a… a real shit move.

[chuckles]

And impersonating me, ravaging my life, convincing a friend to shoot me and kidnapping my girlfriend, downright villainous.

None of these sound like compliments.

I started to wonder, maybe there was an endgame.

You create a mess big enough to bring God himself down, we all regress in Dad’s presence, noble Amenadiel takes the blame, rebellious Lucifer runs off in a huff, leaving you… looking like the perfect son.

But now, I realize it was just to bring the family together for dinner.

[chuckles]

Pass the chicken.

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not gonna let you ruin this, Samael.

Very well, Mi-ka-el.

It’s “Michael”!

Is it?

I mean, we’re twins, after all.

Fairly certain Dad wanted them to rhyme. Dad?

I did like the sound of that.

Samael, Mi-ka-el. [chuckles]

But you boys had other ideas.

[Amenadiel] Hmm.

You know, I’m glad you persuaded me to come, brother.

Like you said, it’s worth it, even if Dad has been a real ass.

[gulps, coughs]

That’s, um… [chuckles]

That’s actually not what I said.

I was sympathizing with my little brother, Dad, trying to, uh, get him to come to dinner.

It’s okay, son.

Is it?

And was he?

[chuckles] Now think of what Amenadiel went through the past couple of years.

All that anguish, thinking he’d fallen from your favor.

He lost his wings, his very sense of self.

Yeah, that’s a bit dramatic.

Only to discover that he was doing it all to himself.

Couldn’t you have just told us that’s how we all work, instead of letting your favorite son think he was being brutally punished, that he was a failure?

Lucy, come on.

[chuckles] No, don’t worry, brother.

We’re all being tortured.

All in the name of our father’s mysterious ways.

Ooh!

For example, Dad… are you ever going to tell us why Hell suddenly doesn’t need a warden anymore?

I have a good reason.

Oh, it’s a good reason.

Well, that explains it.

As always, super clear. Thanks, Pops.

What are you even complaining about, Lucifer?

You got your own kingdom as a reward for bad behavior.

Is that how you see it?

Being forced to torture souls for hundreds of thousands of years was an “attaboy”?

Sure, I was king of Hell, but I was still in Hell.

If that’s not a poisoned chalice, I don’t know what is.

You have no idea what that was like, how easy you had it.

Easy?

[scoffs]

I spent my entire life in the worst kind of Hell there is.

Lucy, Michael, come on.

Oh, what could possibly be worse?

Sharing a face with you!

Guess what.

When your twin is the light bringer, turns out you have no choice but to live in the shadows.

We were dealt the same hand, the same face, the same bloody shoulders, except you had a chip on yours so big you managed to self-actualize it.

Oh, no, no, no, there’s nothing wrong with him, don’t be fooled!

You have no one to blame but yourself for who you are.

Lucy!

Oh, I blame you plenty.

Michael!

Of course you do, you petty little…

Children!

[thunder crashing]

[Lucifer] And there it is.

The Old Testament wrath.

Wasn’t sure you still had it in you.

All I wanted was a nice family dinner.

But apparently that’s too much to ask.

[scoffs]

[thunder rumbles]

[Linda laughing]

[continues laughing]

Chicken.

I get it.

I get it. It’s your favorite.

That’s… that’s why everything tastes like chicken.

[laughing]

I’m sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable.

No, Linda, we’re sorry. That you had to witness something like this.

The most dysfunctional family ever.

No. [sighs]

Actually, it’s… it’s wonderfully normal.

Well, I mean, except for the rain.

No, it’s just… three sons who want their father’s love.

And who don’t feel like they’re getting it.

I don’t want Dad’s love.

I just want him to admit to the fact that he’s a bad father.

Although… maybe that’s part of the reason he is a bad father.

Well done, Doctor. You’re as insightful as ever.

No, that wasn’t exactly what I was saying. [sighs] As usual…

You’re really being unfair.

Oh, come on, brother.

Would you treat Charlie the same way Dad’s treated us?

Well, I…

Be honest! Please.

I’m sorry, Dad, but I hope not.

And you’d do anything for your son, wouldn’t you?

I would.

[Lucifer] Michael and I don’t agree on much, but the one thing that we all have in common is you, Dad.

And how much you’ve screwed us up.

I mean, if all the apples are bad… maybe it’s the tree that’s the problem.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

All I ever wanted was to empower you… all my children, to make your own choices.

Is that why you’ve always been so cryptic?

Oh. Before you answer that cryptically, I would like to instead ask you one simple question and get one simple answer.

A confession, if you will.

Dad, you don’t have to do this.

What’s your question, Samael?

Dad… do you love us?

[thunder crashing]

If I have to tell you… then I really have failed.

A no, then.

That’s not what he said.

[Lucifer] He didn’t say yes, did he?

When I don’t wanna lie, I don’t answer the question.

Picked that up from you, Dad.

[scoffs, inhales deeply]

You know, it’s… It’s funny.

I thought this moment would give me some catharsis.

But instead, it’s just made me realize one simple truth.

That you will never love us… because you’re incapable of love.

[huffs]

[thunder crashes]

And that’s just sad.

For all of us.

[thunder rumbles]

[door opens, closes]

More wine?

[thunder crashes]

[sighs] Hello, ladies.

What exciting new case are we investigating today?

Hole in Juan?

I don’t understand. Peterson confessed.

Yeah, his confession doesn’t add up.

Yeah, we found traces of ZX3 in the fuel that burned down the Kingdom.

Oh! So whoever burned down the Kingdom used gas from Hole in Juan.

Yeah, but Peterson told us he saw his son get gas from the shed.

So he lied. Fathers do that. [chuckles]

Well, we pulled surveillance footage from the day before Chris died.

[Ella] There’s Chris.

I mean, he does look like he’s applying for a job.

It tracks with what we know.

Yeah, but something doesn’t track.

That looks like his girlfriend Betty.

And she told us she didn’t know anything about it.

Looks like Peterson wasn’t the only one lying.

Right. We need to bring Betty in, see what she’s hiding.

We have to get Peterson back…

Hey, guys.

[Chloe] Yeah.

Peterson’s running.

[Chloe] What?

He bailed on house arrest.

His ankle bracelet pinged in downtown traffic. He’s headed to Union Station.

If he’s innocent, why is he running?

Well, let’s go and find out, shall we?

So…

Charlie.

Hmm.

He’s, um…

He’s mortal, isn’t he?

It appears so.

So he’ll suffer like all humans, Dad.

Get sick.

Grow old.

Die.

That would follow from the fact that he’s mortal.

Take me instead.

Excuse me?

I said… take me instead.

Make Charlie an angel. I’ll become human.

Please, Father.

Let me switch places with my son.

You’d do anything for your son.

Yes, anything.

[sighs]

If only fatherhood was ever that easy.

[scoffs]

[door opens]

[Michael] Good morning, brother. Good morning, Father.

Are you ready to go home?

Are you ready?

[chuckles] Well, I mean, I think it’s time.

Good. Then you should go.

I’ve decided to stay here a little bit longer.

You have?

Then I will stay with you.

I don’t think that would be a good idea.

What… what are you saying, Father?

Michael… you’re no longer welcome on Earth.

[gasps, huffs]

You’re banishing him?

If you insist on putting it that way.

But I… I don’t understand.

Why am I the one being punished?

You’re not.

[huffs]

[door opens, closes]

You see?

Never easy.

You have a futon, right?

[Lucifer] There he is.

There he is. There, there!

[Chloe] Oh.

[Lucifer] Excuse me.

[Chloe] Excuse us!

[Lucifer] Excuse me.

Excuse me! Sorry, sorry.

[Chloe] Excuse us.

[sighs] He must have seen us.

[shouting]

LAPD. Put down the gun!

[whimpering]

You weren’t running from us. You were chasing her.

Why?

She killed my son.

But you said you killed your son. Make your mind up.

I would never.

I confessed because I thought one of my children had done it.

I’d already lost one.

I couldn’t bear to lose another.

[scoffs] So you were willing to sacrifice yourself for your own children?

Of course. That’s what fatherhood is.

You see, when I made bail, I talked to all my kids, and I realized that none of them had done it.

So then when I went to Betty to talk to her, to see how she was doing…

[panting]

…and found she was skipping town, then suddenly, it all came into place.

All I wanted to do was burn that toxic place down.

Everything that was broken in him was because of it, because of you!

He needed to get away.

So you stole gas from Hole in Juan, and you tried to burn the place down?

But Chris caught you, didn’t he?

[sniffles] We… we struggled.

He hit his head on the concrete.

Before I could do anything… the fire was everywhere.

It burned so fast. [shudders]

My poor Chris.

I swear I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. [sniffles]

I’m sorry. [sobs]

So my son died… protecting the Kingdom.

Protecting us.

It looks like self-sacrifice runs in the family, eh?

Apple, tree…

[handcuffs clicking]

Lucifer.

Get the gun.

Right.

Right.

[dance music playing]

What?

What?

I was fully prepared to hunt you down and kick your ass is what.

[scoffs]

In fact, I was looking forward to it.

But you’re just here.

[exhales]

Why aren’t you hiding?

Want a drink?

No!

What I want is a soul. You promised me one, and I didn’t get it.

No, I promised you an audience with my father, the one being who could give you a soul.

That’s all.

[sighs]

[scoffs] Frustrating, isn’t he?

What annoyingly arbitrary and inscrutable answer did he give you?

That I’m perfect.

Just the way I am.

Ugh.

[sighs]

You wanted me to find you.

Why?

Because I’m leaving town.

And? You wanted to say goodbye?

I guess out of all the wretched beings I’ve met, I don’t entirely hate you.

And for what it’s worth, Mazikeen, I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted.

[sighs] I’m sorry you didn’t either.

Doesn’t mean I won’t.

What does that mean?

That it ain’t over till it’s over.

For either of us.

[whooshing]

[sighs]

[slow-tempo music playing]

Hey.

Hello.

Do you remember when I said that it might be useful to draw a parallel between your emotions and the case?

Yes.

So it turns out our killer was an overbearing girlfriend trying to change her boyfriend because he couldn’t deal with his family issues.

So, you know, no parallel.

[both chuckle]

Whatsoever.

I think I was wrong.

[sighs] Apparently so.

[chuckles]

Lucifer, I’m so sorry.

You know, I was supposed to give you space so that you could deal with your issues and…

I didn’t really help there, did I?

No, but then I ended up using the case to rush you anyhow.

Detective, you have been nothing but wonderful.

And you…

[sighs]

…you deserve to hear those three words back.

But the truth is… I’ll never be able to say them to you.

I’ve realized that… I am my father’s son.

And as depressing as that is, it explains… so much.

But it also means… like him, I… I am incapable of love.

Lucifer, I know you.

You do. You know I always tell the truth.

[softly] Chloe, I am so sorry.

But if I ever said those three words to you… it would be a lie.

♪ Nobody, nobody ♪

♪ Nobody, nobody… ♪

[Lucifer sighs]

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