Your pal needed a handy man the other day.
Truck wouldn’t turn over this morning.
Took me five or six tries.
Well, what do you put in ‘er? 5W 30?
10W 30?
10Ws 40?
15W 40?
WAYNE: Two stroke? Four stroke?
DARY: What kind of mile you get to the gallon?
What’s your town to highway mileage?
A small crack in the windshield weakens the structural integrity of the entire vehicle.
Sounds like transmission.
Manual transmission?
Automatic transmission?
Semi-automatic transmission?
WAYNE: Planetary gear automatic?
DARY: Electronic pressure system?
Sounds like hydraulics.
New clutch?
You run a heating block in ‘er overnight this time of year, eh?
How much rubber left on the tires?
You don’t still have your summers on?
Winters should go on no later than mid-November and most dealerships will store your summers if you go in a wee bit earlier.
WAYNE: Gail, what do you idle at?
Could be computer.
Oh, geez.
(Grumbling)
What?
(All grumbling)
Hope it’s not computer.
I hope so, too. Where do you fill it up?
West End?
South end?
Bender’s?
WAYNE: If you’re goin’ out of town for that, I’m hesitant.
Like, I’m real hesitant.
Dealer tells you premium, you go premium.
He’s got nothing to gain there.
Premium 91 to 93 octane? You go f*cking 92.
Straight up the middles.
If you think the dealership has a second for you once the vehicle changes hands I’ve got news for you.
Alright, truck won’t turn over. It’s not his problem.
It’s not my problem. That’s your problem.
Get it in writing.
DAN: Look at that, dealer
doesn’t have a f*ckin pen. Happened to me, it’ll happen to you.
They wanna dicker with Monday details?
Tell ’em that’s fine, I’ll go across the street.
I hate to be the one to tell you but that truck loses 50% of its value the second you drive it off the lot.
You’re broke down on the 401, are you?
Guess who’s not in the office today.
Ever take the 400 to Barrie early-March?
(Scoffing) You don’t wanna.
If the sliding ice don’t get ya, the falling ice will.
Alright, the last truck he tried to sell me come with chrome nerf bars when I’m fine with factory rubber running boards.
I said I’m not paying for that.
Not a damn thing wrong with standard runners.
Three generations of dairy farmers’ll tell you the exact same thing.
He wants an extra buck 10 for a turnkey lock for the f*cking gas tank cover.
I said, “I didn’t just fall off no turnip truck.
Never sat in his chair once through the deal.
Stood the whole time. He wanted that power over me.
WAYNE: Alright, so, he’s got a big, fancy clock up there on the wall behind him in his office not adjusted for daylight savings, I said, “Buddy the writing is literally on the wall here.”
Chewed on his pen lid the entire time and I’m thinking, “If he’ll put that in his mouth, what else’ll he put in there?”
DAN: If he called the receptionist his girl one more time I was going over the f*cking table at him.
Photo of his beer league team for his computer wallpaper.
That’s no family man.
WAYNE: I said I don’t got a problem with you ’til you bullshit me.
Don’t bullshit me.
I signed the deal and the Twin Towers come down, think about that.
DAN: His dad used to teach me back in grade three.
One time he grabbed the back of my neck real f*cking hard.
I never told no one.
Every single one of ’em carries a revolver beneath their driver’s seat and every single one of ’em knows why.
I’d heard he smashed a snapping turtle’s shell with a sand wedge on the golf course as a kid, and they should’ve locked him up right there, because that’s the right thing to do.
You wanna get an earful? You ask his little sister about him.
Guess who opposes gay marriage on Twitter?
Everyone thought he’s the golden child ’cause he’s the only boy in the church choir, he was stealing cookies from Bible Club the whole time.
Okay, who’s worse, him or his old man?
Bit of a race to the bottom there isn’t it?
I seen ’em kiss his own daughter on the lips past the age of three.
That would make a fella wonder. Don’t it?
He lifted my flip-flops from the lost and found at the public pool and I can prove it.
Bad gas travels fast in a small town, eh?
Yeah, turns out the gas cap was just loose, and won’t turn over unless she’s airtight, so.
Onward.
(Theme song playing)
♪
I just… I love this time of winter so much.
I concur.
The cold months.
No one leaves the house.
We close the bar early.
Hockey Night In Canada, buddy.
High five for hibernation, buddy.
Yeah. F*cking A.
I just love it so much.
I love this game so much.
Well, you’re currently second runner-up there, big shoots.
Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega Genesis holds up by today’s gaming standards.
‘Cause of the speed, Stewart?
Yes. Have you played Mario Brothers on original NES lately?
So f*cking slow.
Coffee. Tea.
Sega!
I might need to dump my letters.
Me, too. Nothing but vowels.
Same. I’m a bit concerned we’re playing with the French bag of letters.
The French are so horny for vowels.
I’m so horny for the French.
(French accent) A, E, I, O, U.
Do you ever get kinda sad when the third period of the double-header is almost over?
Yes, because when the final horn blows I’m not watching hockey with Canada anymore.
Katy, would you like to buy Baltic Avenue?
F*ck, Dary, if I told you once I told you a baker’s dozen times, it’s not your turn, Dary.
Yeah, Dary. Stop doing that.
It’s just, like, it kinda ruins the game for everybody else when you’re trying to make backdoor deals when it’s my roll.
Or my roll.
Or when it’s Katy’s roll. Just saying it, just, kinda ruins the game for everybody else.
KATY: And stop trying to sell me these purple properties.
They’re, like, the shittiest properties on the board.
They’re the f*cking MoDean’s One of the board.
Well, what do you want then?
It’s not your turn, jackass!
All four railroads.
Good buddy, good buddy, good buddy.
Dary. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
Don’t do it, Dary.
For what?
Cash.
Dary, don’t do it.
How much?
$200, super chief.
You out of your f*cking mind?
I need cash.
I need to beat Dr. Eggman.
But you’ve got no rings, Stewart.
ALL: I need consonants.
I need a classic Calgary comeback.
All Edmonton so far, buddy.
I still need cash.
Cash is king.
Well, she ain’t the f*cking Wolf of Wallstreet.
It’s all about the Benjamins.
Take the cash, make the dash, Dary.
WAYNE: Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Dary.
Dary. Look. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
Don’t.
Done.
Deal.
Dammit.
You did it, Stewart!
With no rings, Roald.
‘Kay, I’m dumping.
I’m Donald Dump.
Dumpelstiltskin.
Battle of Alberta goes to Edmonton, buddy.
You won the battle, but we’ll win the war.
Business doing pleasure with you, Dary.
Mm-hm.
(Blowing)
(Chuckling)
Short Line Railroad. Nice to be home.
Dary, you’re up.
(Blowing)
Hm, Short Line.
That’ll be two hundo, super chief.
I concede.
And that’ll be first runner up, super chief.
Second place is first loser.
One is the loneliest number.
(Sighing)
BOTH: So.
Oui. We’re definitely playing with les lettres francaises.
Call it?
Good night, Canada.
A bientot. See you soon.
What do you think Dan’s doing right now?
He’s out with Ellen tonight.
He’s got a finger up the ass then.
(Chuckling)
Wait.
Do you wanna know what we should do?
(Scoffing) I’ll know when you tell me.
Have at ‘er.
I think I know, buddy.
We should watch all three Jackass movies in a row.
(Both gasping)
Watch all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row.
(Laughing)
I haven’t watched Fubar in a long time.
I’ve never seen Fubar.
(Gasping)
Saddle up youngin. You’re in for it.
Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Five?
Not Six?
Five then Six?
‘Cause, like, you gotta watch ’em once a year, right?
So, like, it might as well be tonight.
I wouldn’t say no to that.
There is nothing, like, not even one thing that makes me laugh like Jackass.
But I’m a bit tired. I might fall asleep.
No, you won’t.
No, you won’t.
BOTH: No you won’t.
It’s hit the hay or press play, bro.
Press play, buddy.
How could you fall asleep during Jackass?
Yeah, you’re right. I won’t. Let’s do it!
I’ll get the DVDs.
Blu-Rays, Roald.
I’ve got pot gummies.
Should we check to see if any Tinderellas hit us up?
Well-earned night off, bro.
Hm.
Maybe we should bring the Gus’n Bru with us?
Maybe we should get a little bit more hammered?
I’d get a little more hammered.
I’m kinda surprised we’re not getting a little bit more hammered right now.
♪
There’s no way we’ll sleep.
There’s no way you’ll sleep.
(All laughing)
No sleep ’til Brooklyn, bro.
Sleep when we’re dead, buddy!
D’Ascanio.
D’Ascanio!
(Laughing)
(Retching on TV)
MAN ON TV: Whoa.
(Laughing on TV)
(Groaning)
(Snoring)
(Whimpering)
(Snoring)
(Whispering)
Wayne?
(Whispers) What?
Are you awake?
Yeah.
Is there someone that you like?
What?
Do you like someone?
Are you sleep walking right now?
No, I don’t think so.
Well, I think my sweetie’s pretty cool.
Rosie?
Yeah.
Thought so.
Why?
It’s because…
It’s because…
there’s someone that I like.
Do you really?
Yeah, I like someone.
What?
Katy?
Yeah.
Are you awake?
Yeah.
Dary likes someone.
Wayne!
Do you really?
No!
Yes, he does.
No, but it’s not your place to tell.
She was probably awake before when you said it, though.
No, but it’s not your place to tell.
Who is it?
Oh, my God.
Dary, your breath is so f*ckin’ bad right now.
I know.
Oh, my God.
Do we know her?
Who?
Holy f*ck.
The girl you like.
No, I meant does who know her?
Me and Wayne!
Dary, your breath is seriously so bad, I’m gonna f*cking puke.
I know. It’s so bad.
Yes, you guys both know her.
BOTH: Who?
(Farting)
ROALD:
Stewart.
What?
You’re awake?
Am I awake?
Yeah.
Concretely.
Was that you?
What?
That farted.
No.
It smells like it was you.
(Sniffing)
It does smell like it was me.
Yeah.
I must have woken myself up with a fart.
I do that sometimes too.
Stewart.
What?
Who do you like?
(Chuckling) What?
Do you like anyone?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Who?
(Farting)
Gail?
Yeah?
Did you just fart?
Yeah.
Why?
I was trying to wake you guys up.
Why?
So, we could talk about boys.
That’s really bad.
There’s a handful stacked on top of each other.
What?
Because…
Because it didn’t work the first few tries.
How many times did you try?
Five or six.
Seven.
Rosie?
What?
You’re awake?
Yeah.
Gail just farted five or six times.
Seven.
Seven?
Was it seven?
Yeah.
Did I wake you up with the very first one, cousint’?
Can confirm, cousint’.
And then you just listened to six more farts without saying anything?
Yeah.
Why?
Because…
Because they got progressively more captivating.
Really?
Yeah.
Thanks, cuz.
(Phone buzzing)
Oh, my God.
I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.
What?
I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.
I heard you.
I just hit up Bonnie McMurray.
What?
I just hit up Bonnie McMurray, too.
I heard you. Why?
Take a run at ‘er.
Take a big run at ‘er.
You, too?
Gun it.
Gun it straight across the room.
I figured she’s always been lukewarm to the idea.
So, over time I’d just keep takin’ runs at ‘er.
Consistency.
Consistency not persistency.
Broads love getting run at, but you can’t be, like, you can’t be, like, annoying.
That’s why I always say consistency not persistency.
Take a run at ‘er, then wait a bit?
BOTH: Yeah.
Figured it’s been a little while
since I taken a run at ‘er so.
Yeah, it’s been a while since I taken a run at ‘er, too.
So, now’s a good time to take a run at ‘er then.
When’s the last time you took a run at ‘er?
A few months ago.
And they just circle back every few months?
Could set your watch to it.
Would you ever let ’em in there?
Reilly or Jonesy?
What’s the difference?
You outta put some work on that boy, Bonno.
Reilly or Jonesy?
What’s the difference?
Ha.
Gotta put a little work on ’em.
What if I invited them here?
You can both put a little work on ’em.
(Both chuckling)
Going to crawl in with Wayne?
Someone’s gotta keep me warm tonight.
ROALD: Stewart.
What?
Is there really someone that you like though?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Who?
It doesn’t matter.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn’t.
Yes, it does!
Fine.
(Farting)
Stewart!
Roald.
Seriously!
She’s out of my league.
You made love to Aly-cat and Biancadonk at the same time.
Well…
No one is out of your league.
Bonnie McMurray.
(Gasping)
(All hissing)
Did you just say Bonnie McMurray?
Well, ever since Dan got a sweetie
there’s less competition than there once was.
Can I please wingman this?
No.
Please, please, please, please.
Leave it.
No.
Can you just leave it?
I already invited her over here, super chief.
That’s booty call territory.
Where you going?
Crawl in with Rosie.
(Phone buzzing)
She’s on her way over.
GAIL: But Reilly and Jonesy are on their way here.
So?
So, two is better than one.
I just wanna snuggle.
I don’t.
Guess you’re gonna have to put a little work on ’em then, cousint’. Ah!
Ah.
Yeah.
‘Kay.
(Both hissing)
Go to her, Stewart.
It’s the middle of the night.
That’s romance.
That’s stalking.
She was at Gail’s an hour ago on her Instagram story.
Huh. We are literally asking for stalkers from our social medias these days, aren’t we?
Stewart.
Roald.
Go to her?
♪
♪ Would you really wanna make it alone if you could ♪
♪ Wanna, wanna make you feel good ♪
♪ You feel it out, but you don’t quite know if you should ♪
♪ Wanna, wanna make you feel good ♪
♪ It won’t happen if I ain’t happening ♪
♪ Oh, why don’t you make the call? ♪
♪ I want me some satisfaction ♪
♪ Oh, no, why don’t you make the call? ♪
♪ I like to go fast, I like to go far ♪
♪
♪ Won’t you open the door, get in my car ♪
♪
♪ Don’t have to be alone, don’t have to be hard ♪
♪
♪ Won’t you open that door, get you into my car ♪
♪ Open up the door get you in the car ♪
♪
♪ Only ever wanna get you alone if I should ♪
♪ Wanna, wanna make you feel good ♪
♪ You fell in love, but just in Hollywood ♪
♪ Wanna, wanna make you feel good ♪
♪ You bring caution, I’ll bring the action ♪
♪ Oh, no, why don’t you make the call? ♪
♪ I’m all talk and you’re all attraction ♪
♪ Oh, no, no, no, you make the call ♪
♪ I like to go fast, I like to go far ♪
♪
♪ Won’t you open that door, get in my car ♪
♪
♪ Don’t have to be alone, don’t have to be hard ♪
♪
