Jon Stewart checks in on the war in Gaza and interrogates how America’s purported values stack up against its support of Israel. Plus, Ronny Chieng and Grace Kuhlenschmidt report from the eclipse’s path of totality with startling different reports.
Published on April 9, 2024
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The big news today, the world ended! I think. Are we even, are we still on? I don’t know.
There was an eclipse. It happened. The sun and the moon did the thing that everyone’s been saying they were going to do for centuries now. The path got totality and now both planets will go back to years of ignoring each other, before they inevitably hook up again. Textbook toxic relationship. But not everyone was happy about today’s celestial seasonings. For danger lurks.
A Fox News Alert. A rare celestial event collides with a policy failure on the ground. The Southern border will be directly in the path of totality today when the moon covers the sun for nearly four minutes.
We are told that officials are bracing for higher traffic than usual. And that means a real opportunity for smugglers and cartels and migrants to come right in.
Or they could just wait till nighttime. They really– they don’t have the eclipse.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Four minutes. I got to say though, is there nothing Fox can’t tie to immigration? This is– this year’s cicada infestation provides perfect cover for Venezuelans. Of course, if you combine the dangers of today’s eclipse with Friday’s seismic activity in the Northeast, well, the more troubling picture emerges.
Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted that the earthquake and Monday’s solar eclipse are a sign from God that Americans need to repent.
How, how do you know? How, how would you know that that is what God meant? Why would God be so obtuse? Why would he do that? Or she, why would she? Or how crazy would it be if god insisted on they them? [POOF] But honestly– is this shit really how God works? “I must let man know to repent their wickedness. How, Lord?” I don’t know. Dim the lights for like four minutes. Very specific path. And, God, what else? “Give New Jersey a little shake maybe.” Enough to render the buildings to rubble and to bring people to their knees in repentance and atonement? “Uh, no, just a little like a Jersey, rrr-rrr-rrr. Just a little noogie. Like, rrr-rrr-rrr, Jersey, rrr-rrr-rrr.”
But divine messaging aside, it was the biggest story of the weekend. So for more on the eclipse, we have full team coverage. Let’s go live to Ronny Chieng in Kerrville, Texas and Grace Kuhlenschmidt in Niagra Falls.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
What a day! What a, what a spectacular day! Grace, what is the mood out there in Niagara Falls?
It’s Eclipse Day! The sky was dark, but the moods were bright, because this event was out of this world.
Oh, fantastic.
Jon.
Oh, Grace, that’s fantastic. Ronny.
Thanks, Jon. The eclipse was fine, but too bad they don’t make a special kind of glasses that will allow us to look truly directly at the horrors that are occurring around the world, especially in Gaza.
That’s, that’s very true, Ronny, very true. Powerful, those are powerful words. Grace?
Oh, Ga– Gaza. Oh, Gaza. T– terrible, terrible. Not terrible was the Krispy Kreme special edition solar eclipse donut I had earlier.
[APPLAUSE]
Um, it was in the path of tastality. It, it was rea– really good.
Is that a tambourine?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Well, technically, it is. Um, I was going to do an eclipse dance, but it doesn’t seem appropriate.
I’d really like to see the dance.
Yeah, yeah, do the dance.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
[TAMBOURINE RATTLING]
(SINGING) Moonrise in the daytime, block out the sun, it’s so fun, family and friends, the joy never ends.
[TAMBOURINE RATTLING]
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Yeah, you know, that dance reminds me of the moral dance we all do every day to hide our complicity in the world’s atrocities.
And I hope that was clear in my dance.
Thank you both very much. Grace and Ronny, everybody.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Well done. But, the other big milestone from the eclipse is, as Ronny mentioned, the war in Gaza is now six months old. I think time for a wellness check. But as the war has grinded on, justice is beginning to seem more like cruelty. But not to worry. America, the shining city on a hill, is on the case, with our universal values.
We have a great battle for freedom between a rules-based order and one governed by brute force. In this battle, we need to be clear-eyed.
And just to clarify, we are the freedom folks. We’re the rules people. We’re not the brute force ones. I think we all know who the brute force ones are. In this case, Vladimir. And know that America will call you out when you violate the basic tenets of humanity.
Weaponizing food, using it as a tool, as a weapon in its war against Ukraine. It’s unconscionable. Should not happen.
It’s unconscionable. Weaponizing food in Ukraine is not kosher, nor halal. Sorry if I’m both sidesing this. Speaking of which, there is a literal famine in Gaza caused by the war. I assume America will also consider this unconscionable.
Absolutely we’re concerned about that, no question about it.
Well, you can’t spend– spell unconscionable without concern. Or at least part of it. The C-O-N part. You can reuse the C-O, you get the point. How about the free press? Ordinarily, we are strongly in favor of free press.
We also condemn the Russian government’s continued targeting and repression of journalists.
You hear that, Russia! We condemn in no uncertain terms, any repression of a free press. I think you all know what’s coming next. More journalists have been killed in Gaza in six months than anywhere else in the world. And a new Israeli law says they can ban media outlets they consider a threat.
So as it relates to Al Jazeer– Jazeera specifically, we’ve seen the reports. If it is true, if it is true, a move like this is concerning.
Oh, we’re concerned again. How about if it’s true, we condemn it? And by the way, is it true? Like, it feels like you could probably just call someone and be like, is this true. And if they’re like, yeah, it’s true, you could be like, that’s concerning. Not condemning, but concerning. Well, you know what? Perhaps these are just peripheral issues. What about the bedrock rule of international law? No taking land by force. When Russia does it, we’re pretty clear.
The entire world has a stake in making sure that no nation, no aggressor is allowed to take a neighbor’s territory by force. The American people will never waver in our commitment to those values.
Eh, ish. See, this is where Israel’s actions get interesting. Because you might say Israel’s war is different than Ukraine’s. Israel is responding to an attack and a hostage crisis. But in the midst of that, they pulled a little something in the West Bank on March 22 that might be notable.
As the US Secretary of State Antony Blinken made his latest visit to Israel, the Israeli government announced that it was declaring state land, nearly 2,000 acres of land, in the occupied West Bank.
This latest Israeli appropriation is the largest land transfer since the Oslo Accords were signed in 1993.
1993, and that’s not even Gaza, that’s the West Bank. So you can’t say it has anything to do with defending yourself against Hamas. Let’s see if America upholds its rule against taking land.
I haven’t seen the specifics of this, but anyone taking steps that makes things more difficult, more challenging this time, it’s something that we have a problem with.
You don’t know about it? They did it the day you f*cking visited! Why do we tiptoe around on eggshells? They slap America in the face, and our response is, well, if anyone slapped us in the face, it’d be concerning, that’s for sure. I mean, raising a hand to a delicate body part of the face, if true. The verbal gymnastics that the American government must undertake so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of a country we provide most of the weapons for, is yow! Every time America tells the world that there’s something we won’t allow, Israel seems to say, “challenge accepted.” Are they willfully trying to provoke us? Or perhaps they’re just reading our principles from right to left. It’s upside– Over–
[APPLAUSE]
But really, to be honest, it’s kind of a bar mitzvah joke, but. Over 30,000 have died in Gaza since the war started. Some of them Hamas soldiers, 13,000 of them children. Our response.
Since the early hours, we’ve been urging our Israeli counterparts to act with as much precision as they can in their targeting.
Our constant efforts to urge the Israelis to be as precise and careful as possible.
We can still continue to urge Israel to be more careful and more precise.
The need for the Israeli defense forces to act with precision.
We continue to– to work with the Israelis to make sure that they are as precise as– as they can be.
See, they’re not listening. Have you tried synonyms for precision?
We continue to stress to our Israeli counterparts that they be as discriminate and careful in their targeting as possible.
Be as cautious and deliberate and as careful as they can.
To be more careful and more deliberate.
Be very deliberate.
In the most discreet, deliberate, careful, cautious way possible.
The utmost care. A special burden to be mindful.
To be mindful? What is this, f*cking hot yoga? We just, you know, we’ve seen the bombing and–
[APPLAUSE]
–we are urging Netanyahu to be present. What the f*ck are we doing here? The subtext of all this is, America knows this is wrong. But it apparently doesn’t seem to have the courage to say it in a straightforward manner. America and Israel both know that you cannot bomb your way into safety. We learned that lesson in Iraq and Afghanistan. They learned it in southern Lebanon. They laid siege there, occupied the southern area for 20 years. All it did was birth and strengthen Hezbollah. And they’re about to do it all over again, and we are letting them. Real friends take the f*cking keys, because friends don’t let friends bomb that much. And after this recent week, with so much horror, perhaps America finally finds the need for a new approach with Israel. With more justice and less cruelty.
The US and Israel are closing in on what would be their largest weapons deal since the war in Gaza began.
Well, I don’t know about you, but if that’s true, I find it concerning. And with that devastating conclusion, we turn for more analysis, back to Grace Kuhlenschmidt. Grace.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Not again.
All right, Grace Kuhlenschmidt, everybody.
