Search

Homeowners Associations: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript

John Oliver discusses homeowners associations, the surprising power they have, and how to tell if a tree is “tree-shaped.”
Homeowners Associations: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Season 10 Episode 7
Aired on April 9, 2023

Main segment: Homeowner associations (HOAs)
Other segment: 2023 Tennessee House of Representatives expulsions
Guest: Chris Parnell as HOA ambassador

* * *

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

John: Welcome, welcome, welcome to “Last Week Tonight!” I’m John Oliver, thanks so much for joining us. It has been a busy week. A Texas judge moved to suspend FDA approval of a key drug for medication abortions, a rich white man suffered the beginning of a potential consequence, and WWE sold a controlling stake in itself, a decision Vince McMahon went on CNBC to explain.

You are the WWE, and the WWE is you. So why?

It’s the right time. It’s the right time to do the right thing.

John: Okay, I’m so glad he’s that saying nothing there, because I am exclusively interested in what is happening on his face. If you have never seen Vince McMahon before, don’t worry, you still haven’t. Because this is what he’s looked like for the last 30 years or so, whereas this is clearly an AI-generated response to the prompt “snake tycoon.” Look, sadly, I can’t devote the rest of the show to talking about the decisions on display here, so I’ll just devote 30 more seconds to it. He looks like the answer to the question “what if Salvador Dali chose to live without imagination?” He looks like he’s about to challenge someone to a balloon race around the world. He looks like Vincent Price having an allergic reaction to being stung by bees. He looks like a circus owner from the 1930s who harasses the dancers, mistreats the animals for fun, and is eventually murdered by a lion while the whole town cheers. And sadly, that’s my time. And the reason we can’t talk more about this man’s face is that we need to discuss the events in Tennessee. After last week’s mass shooting at Covenant school, young activists have been at the State Capitol protesting the lack of response from the legislature, while engaging in some catchy chants concerning governor Bill Lee.

Fuck Bill Lee! Fuck Bill Lee! Fuck Bill Lee! Fuck Bill Lee!

John: Look, you can try and get clever with it, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing like a chant that goes “fuck,” and then the name of the person that you’re mad at. It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s to the point, it’s fuck Bill Lee. And that anger is totally justified, as the response from Lee and his fellow republicans has been deeply underwhelming. Here’s one representative arguing to young people’s faces that it would be pointless to ban AR-15’s.

You’re not gonna like my answer, and look, I’m gonna say that straight up. It’s not about this one gun. If there is a firearm out there that you’re comfortable being shot with, please show me which one it is.

John: I mean, that is a hall-of-fame shitty response but, also, if your opener is “you’re not gonna like my answer,” maybe start thinking of some better ones. And, for the record, I don’t want to be shot by any guns. I don’t even want to get shot by a Nerf gun. And not because they sting my paper bones, which they do, but just based on the fact that this is Murph, Nerf’s actual mascot. And I’m pretty sure every Nerf dart is one of the many penises that make up Murph’s nude body. Some protestors actually made their way into the House Gallery last week, and three state representatives took to the floor to voice their support for them. That, in turn, led to republicans introducing resolutions to expel the lawmakers, which the house speaker supported after claiming they were “inciting violence.” Although when pressed for proof, he didn’t have much to offer.

There’s no doubt they were disruptive, but what’s the evidence that they were trying to incite violence?

Well they were trying to jazz people up, when we have representatives–

but incite violence.

Well, when we had representatives trying to go to the restroom, they got spit on.

Do you have any evidence that these three members were encouraging protesters to spit on members or troopers?

I mean, you can’t prove that.

John: Oh, okay, so you can’t prove they were inciting violence, but in the interest of safety, you feel you have a responsibility to take their dangerous platform away from them. But if instead of megaphones, they had, say, something that can fire a hundred rounds in a matter of minutes, then, sadly, it’s literally impossible to do anything to prevent that, because we asked the prematurely embalmed mayor of Whoville and he said “no.”
Also, to the extent this is about “decorum,” it’s worth knowing this legislature has apparently seen far worse behavior. As Gloria Johnson, one of the lawmakers threatened with expulsion, pointed out, “we had a child molester on the floor for years, they helped him get reelected and did nothing to expel him. We’ve had members pee in each others chairs, we’ve had members prescribe drugs to their cousin-mistress, and nothing happened. And, sorry, “cousin-mistress?” Do you know how crazy a list of allegations has to be for someone to go, “there was that child molester for years, but honestly don’t even bother writing that down because wait until you hear about the next couple of things that I’m about to say.” The House voted on whether to expel the three members on Thursday, and there was a pattern to the results that was pretty hard to miss.

The GOP-controlled house voting Thursday to oust state representatives Justin Jones and Justin Pearson. While a motion to expel representative Gloria Johnson narrowly failed by just one vote. When asked why she was spared, Johnson saying this.

It might have to do with the color of our skin. But State House republicans denying that claim. Our members literally didn’t look at the ethnicity of the members that were up for expulsion.

John: Okay now, legally, I can’t say that guy is lying, which is why it’s going to be an interesting day for our lawyers tomorrow when they find out that I said that guy is definitely lying.

[Cheers and applause]

“We literally don’t even see color” is the universal tell for people who spend all day thinking about how they’d like to see less color. Now, fortunately, Pearson and Jones could be re-appointed fairly soon, or re-elected down the road. And while republicans claimed– gallingly– that this was to teach them a lesson about grandstanding, Pearson wanted to make it clear exactly why this escalated in the first place.

I don’t personally want attention. What I want is attention on the issue of gun violence. But instead, we’re here with the resolution you put up, talking about expelling me for advocating for ending gun violence in the state of Tennessee.

John: Exactly. And it’s not a great sign for Tennessee when they punish the ones speaking out against gun violence, while keeping the ones who ask “which gun would you be comfortable being shot with?” Look, there are pretty clearly two big issues going on here: racism and gun violence– which, incidentally, will in all likelihood be the name of the next Kid Rock album. And Tennessee lawmakers can continue to brush both of those issues aside, saying “guns aren’t the problem” or “we don’t see color.” But the young people of Tennessee are making it very clear they’re sick of waiting, and that change is long overdue. Or if I may put that in the words of this Sega Genesis video game villain.

It’s the right time to do the right thing.

John: Thank you, French Dracula, I couldn’t have said it better myself. And now this.

* * *

Announcer: and now, it’s Easter, the most terrifying time of the year.

It’s almost time to meet the Easter bunny. Are you ready?

Sometimes, the Easter bunny’s a little scary animal. I saw one at the mall the other day. I was like, I’m not doing that.

I always thought the Easter bunny was creepy. Yeah, I agree. Santa I can deal with.

I have yet to see a really cute Easter bunny, not a cute Easter bunny there. A kind of scary. A creepy effect. I was scared of the Easter bunny as a kid.

If the eyes are dead up there, no thank you.

Talking about a 6-foot tall–

I was just going to say, the visual of the bunny. Gigantic bunny, does anybody like that?

Cute bunny.

Cute bunny?

Nightmare bunny. So many little ones are afraid of the big bunny.

Many encounters with the Easter bunny provides children with the first intimate understanding of the concept of fight or flight.

♪ ♪

* * *

John: Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns home ownership. So, if you’re under 35, honestly, this story isn’t for you. It’ll never be for you. You will never own a home. Sorry, that is the deal you made when you decided to be born after 1988. But we didn’t want you to feel left out so we’ve actually prepared a full, alternative story for you tonight about Chuck E. Cheese, a different crumbling American institution that you should go watch now instead. This is real. It’s 25 minutes long, and you can find it at lastsqueaktonight.com. Please go do that now. Because there is genuinely nothing for you to see here.
Okay, for everyone who remains, this story’s about HOA’s, which stands for Homeowners Associations. Not, as you might’ve thought, horse on Adderall, which I believe is the potential sequel to cocaine bear. HOA’s, also sometimes known as “community associations”, are entities set up to govern groups of homes, like suburban neighborhood developments or condos, and often make local news as the villains in stories like this.

It’s a simple story of a man with some simple needs.

Sit down and have his little chips and a soda if he wants, and say hello to some people.

Tanya’s talking about her neighbor Ted.

I’ll be 92 in September.

And the bench outside his door.

I have a place I like to come out here and sit and relax.

Notices from his HOA, the Bethany Villa Association, saying simply, “remove your bench from the common area, or it will be removed.”

The man deserves a place to rest and enjoy nature and eat his little snacks and say hello to people and pet puppies.

John: Yeah, let that man have his fucking bench! He deserves to eat snacks and pet puppies! Which is, by the way, the single greatest way you could spend a day. Nothing tops that. If on the day that your baby was born, a friend came and told you they spent the afternoon eating snacks and petting puppies, they had a better day than you did. The miracle of life can’t compete with the simple joy of munchin’ snacks and scratchin’ backs. Nom, nom, nom, nom– and this is true– a rub-rub. Also, quick shout-out to Tanya there, the neighbor billed by that local station as simply, “neighbor and Ted fan.” She may be a ted fan, but i, for one, am a Tanya fan, because I see the effort that it takes to put on a full face first thing in the morning and go on the news, just to say, “stop fucking with Ted!” But that is not a one-off. Stories of HOA’s being petty are legion.

A Valley homeowner says her HOA wants to fine her because she installed artificial grass.

A homeowners’ association told one San Antonio family their holiday decorations are up too early, so they’ve gotta come down.

I got lots and lots of letters from the HOA telling me to stop feeding the ducks.

I mean, when you receive a violation for a tree not being tree-shaped, it boggles your mind.

John: Yeah, of course it does. Because what does “not tree-shaped” even mean? If it has branches, bark, and a place for a squirrel to store some nuts and get some fucks, it’s a tree. It’s tree-shaped, by definition.
The fact is, a lot of people live in HOA’s. 29% of the U.S. population lives in a community association. And it’s actually increasingly hard to find a home that doesn’t come with one. As of all the new single-family homes sold in 2021, 82% were in an HOA. That’s up from around 40% in 1990. Which is pretty remarkable, given that, when one local station asked viewers how they felt about their HOA, the results were nearly universally negative, with one notable exception.

This was a rare comment, “I like our HOA… I guess I’m the lucky one?” But it was quickly followed with, “don’t count yourself lucky too soon. Every HOA is just one vote away from hellish nightmares.”

John: Wow, “one vote away from hellish nightmares” is a pretty intense comment. It’s also, incidentally, the DNC’s sole campaign message for the last two elections. So if they’re this widely used, and this widely loathed, tonight, let’s look at HOA’s, what they are, what purpose they serve, and the surprising powers they have to wreak havoc in people’s lives. And let’s start with the basics, courtesy of this old explainer video.

Just what is a community association? The association is a legal entity created as a result of a planned community. A board of directors is responsible for governing your association. Working together with the board members and committee members can ensure that your community will run smoothly and effectively. After all, board members are owners just like yourself.

John: Okay, you can really tell that video’s from the ’90s, not just because it’s shot with a quality that can only be described as “after school porno,” but also because the board in question is just three men and one woman that they all ignore. In other words, almost every ’90s sitcom.
The point is, HOA’s are run by elected boards of your fellow homeowners. And they require the payment of dues, which average around $200-$300 a month, but can be much more depending on where you live. And in return, the HOA covers upkeep of the common areas and amenities in the neighborhood, like playgrounds or swimming pools. They also, crucially, enforce architectural and landscaping guidelines, like “no benches” or “trees must be tree-shaped”– which are often trying to push aesthetic uniformity and preserve property values. You can find HOA rules like, homes may display a maximum of 2 exterior decorative objects, or “all garage doors must be painted Benjamin Moore mayonnaise oc-85.” And one Arizona HOA required that front yard landscaping must contain a minimum of one 36-inch box tree, one 24-inch box tree, ten 5-gallon shrubs, and ten 1-gallon shrubs.” And I genuinely can’t tell if those are HOA requirements for taking care of your lawn or rules to settlers of Catan.
And those rules aren’t just advisory, they’re enforced through fines. And HOA’s can be pretty unforgiving about handing them out.

Take a close look at Debra Blue’s Wake County home. The color of her shutters had her facing steep fines with her homeowners’ association.

They decided to fine me $25 a day.

Debra paid close to $2,000 in fines and took down her plum shutters.

Which was immediately met with a response. Now they were going to fine me in violation of taking the shutters off the house and start fining me again.

John: That is absurd. She got fined for the color of her shutters, took them down, and then got in trouble for the absence of shutters. It’s one of those situations where no matter what you do you lose, sort of like going on “The Voice.” Sure, there are technically winners, but name a single one. The show has been on for a conservative 50 years and not a single winner is a household name. Seriously, tell me the first and last name of just one winner. You can’t. No one can. Not even Honky Tonk Frankenstein could do it.
And some HOA’s can be surprisingly aggressive about actively seeking out rule violators, as this man discovered.

Three years after buying this property, the henrys received a letter from their homeowners’ association.

Saying that they were doing an audit and they noticed that I had a shed in my backyard, and it wasn’t approved by my homeowners’ association.

Gavin, who was a disabled veteran, told the HOA the shed was there before he bought the property and none of his neighbors have ever complained.

Since you can’t see the shed from the front yard and no one came knocking at the henrys’ front door, they asked their homeowners association how they were able to perform an audit. That’s when they were told over the phone that Google maps was used to scope out their backyard.

John: Yeah, they spied on him with Google maps. Which feels extreme. If you’re relying on the achievements of the space program to find out what’s in someone’s backyard, it’s probably not your business.
And if you’re wondering how HOA’s get the authority to do all this, the answer is they’re basically born with it. HOA’s are typically created by developers when they build a new neighborhood. They write the HOA into deed restrictions, with membership automatic upon purchasing your home. And they’re set up as not-for-profit private corporations that can often function like a local government. Some HOA’s handle street paving, snow plowing, lighting, and run private sewer and water systems. And others even dabble in traffic enforcement.

In the Parkview community in Spring Valley, an HOA board email says they installed this – a speed camera. They say more are coming. Neighbor Ted Morris says what worries him and some other neighbors is how much a violation will cost you for going slightly over 15 miles an hour. The notice says it’s $250 for the first ticket, $500 for the second, $1,000 for the third, and any more violations for you and your guests.

John: $1000 speeding tickets, given out not by the city, but by the HOA! Basically, the way HOA’s work is, they get to set the rules, and select the punishment for breaking them. Think of it like Disneyworld. When you walk into the mouse’s house, you play by the mouse’s rules, and if you step out of line, goofy is allowed to break your fucking knees.
And the existence of HOA’s is something many local governments actually appreciate. Cash-strapped municipalities like them because developers build roads and parks and pass the costs along to the homeowners. In fact, many municipalities even mandate the creation of HOA’s in new residential developments. Which might be why the rise of HOA’s has been called “the most significant privatization of local government responsibilities in recent times.” And that gets to an important point here, because HOA’s can have the authority of a government, and collect fees and fines like one, but when it comes to accountability, they can actively resist it, in ways government officials could only dream about. After the residents of one HOA in Arizona posted some social media comments about an upcoming board election, the HOA demanded they remove posts that were critical of its board, and threatened to fine them as much as $250 a day if they didn’t. And while they eventually walked back that threat, that’s a pretty striking level of hostility toward basic scrutiny, even before you learn this is how one board member dealt with press inquiries as the story unfolded.

I got to ask you–

No comment.

No, I’m sorry, but you have a lot of– get away from me. No, you’ve got a lot of–

Get away from me!

That’s Valvista Lake’s board director Todd McCoy following a private board meeting tonight in Gilbert. After being shoved, we reiterated to McCoy that the community was very upset. To which, he replied–

I don’t care about them right now.

John: Holy shit, he came at that reporter with the fire of a thousand Mel Gibsons. There’s almost no scenario where yelling “get away from me” that aggressively is called for, aside from maybe bumping into Ezra Miller in Hawaii. And at this point, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that “private associations designed to have the force of law in suburban neighborhoods,” have a history of being used to exclude certain groups. As we discussed in our housing discrimination piece, many neighborhoods had racial covenants barring the sale of housing to black Americans. And in some cases, HOA’s tried to enforce those covenants, even after the supreme court ruled them unconstitutional. But even today, there are cases where HOA’s are used to actively exclude certain types of residents. Just last June, the board of the Providence HOA in Denton county, Texas– which oversees a community made up of 2,200 homes – passed a rule that would ban renting a house to anyone using a publicly financed or subsidized housing program, such as section 8. And the impacts of that were immediate.

Revisha threat fears being homeless soon. That’s because the rules have changed in their providence village subdivision.

I sit in my living room and cry ’cause I just don’t know what to do.

John: That is terrible. But it’s not just her, that new rule threatened to displace more than 150 families renting in the neighborhood, with black families making up 93% of those households. And I know those HOA officials might not think of themselves as racists, but 93% is a pretty solid A for racism. That HOA’s policy is now under investigation, but the fact is, there is nothing in state or federal law that explicitly forbids HOA’s from enacting bans like this. It’s basically a segregation loophole, which, by the way, would be a pretty good slogan for the suburbs.
And if you’re thinking, “well, this all seems fucked up, but thank god there aren’t private companies making this worse!” Hold on, I’ve got some bad news. Because at this point, we should probably discuss management companies. You see, while, as I mentioned, all the big decision-making in HOA’s is done by elected boards of homeowners, they may not have the time or skills to do everything running an HOA entails, or they may not want to get their hands dirty policing their neighbors. That’s why the majority of HOAs hire professional companies to handle their day-to-day needs, under the board’s direction. Here’s how one of the biggest, Associa, pitches itself.

The people who serve on our boards are volunteers, and for most of them, they have other full-time jobs. So, our role is to come alongside them and help do the heavy lifting of what it takes to manage that neighborhood that they may not have the time for or the expertise for. Our role is really to help them achieve that vision.

John: Now, in theory, that sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But in practice, it can get much messier than that. Remember Ted, who was getting his bench taken away? His neighborhood was run by Associa. So if all they want to do is help a neighborhood “achieve a vision,” as long as that vision includes “Ted doesn’t get to sit down,” I guess, mission accomplished.
The problem is, when you introduce for-profit companies to find problems in your neighborhood, things can change fast. Many of these management companies have people whose job is to drive around neighborhoods, looking for infractions. If you look at that letter that Ted got regarding his bench, you’ll see that it says the infraction was noted by the Associa Arizona “inspection team.”
And just watch as one woman explains just how quickly things snowballed after a new management company took over her HOA.

First, the HOA told her her trash cans couldn’t be visible from the street.

You have to turn your head so far over like this to see it for the second that you are passing my house.

So she moved them inside.

Which is very hard to get them in and out.

Then the problem was her hose.

It was, you know, all wrapped up, so it really didn’t look bad.

Then it was her lawn art.

You can’t have those.

Then they wanted her to power wash her house and sweep up her driveway. But when she didn’t get it done fast enough, she got late fees on top of late fees, $25 a day for each infraction.

These are things that are so incidental, they’re not important! They’re asinine. And you’re charging me $17,000 dollars?

John: $17,000! That’s clearly ridiculous. I adore everything about that woman! Including her world-class delivery of asinine. Although, for what it’s worth: I do think she could do better with her lawn art. It’s not “$17,000 dollar fine” bad, but it’s clearly a waste when you could have something spectacular, like these ducks wearing boots, or these ducks made of bananas. Your lawn is a canvas, Pat. Fill it with whatever duck art speaks to you.
The point is, this is a system that can quickly trap people in a vicious cycle of debt. Here’s how it works, let’s say you fall behind on HOA payments. You might be charged interest, and have to pay additional penalties. But that’s just the beginning here, because once the management company starts pursuing payment, they can involve lawyers, whose fees can be astronomical, and things can get out of hand fast. Here’s the bill of just one 88-year-old homeowner in Texas. She fell ill, and was in a nursing home, so she missed an annual dues payment at the start of 2021, of $423. Her HOA then started charging interest and fees for missed payments, and just five months later, her bill was already up to $682. But things really started escalating when lawyers’ fees started getting introduced. Because there are a lot of them. And over the course of just two years, she suddenly owed over $8,000, well over half of which was lawyers’ fees. And if you’re wondering why lawyers are even getting involved here, it’s because they often come in when HOA’s are ready to exercise a truly incredible power they have over homeowners, which this woman found out about the hard way.

There was a process server who came and knocked on my door and served me with a foreclosure notice. And of course, you know, I freaked out.

Miesha had fallen behind on a lot of her bills, but she said she’d work something out with the mortgage company.

But this was the HOA, and I had no idea that an HOA could foreclose on you.

John: It’s true, HOA’s can foreclose on your home. Which is one of those things that sounds ridiculous, but is absolutely true. Like how there are four times as many chickens as people on earth, or Lenny Kravitz is Al Roker’s second cousin, or that the first song Charlie Puth ever masturbated to was “This Love” by Maroon 5. That’s a true fact! And I hate that I know it! But I love that you now know it, too.

[Laughter]

And this power gets deployed all over the country. Colorado’s HOA’s alone filed more than 2400 foreclosure cases from January 2018 to February of last year. And to make matters worse, those homes can then be sold at auction, sometimes without the homeowner even realizing. Just listen to this woman explain how– despite desperately trying to pay late HOA fees– she wound up losing everything.

Walked in, paid off the $2,700. And when I walked out, I said, “this is all I owe, right?” “Yes.” Then here comes the next set of letters, and now it’s up to $6,400.

Turns out there were post-judgment legal fees and 18% back interest. So, even after she’d paid more than $9,000, she was still somehow behind on her dues. But in 2018, she received the most shocking letter of all. An eviction notice.

You know, you lose your home. That’s hard.

But sadness turned to anger when she realized the HOA had purchased her home through foreclosure for $3.24 a year before she was evicted.

John: That happened. They bought her whole house for $3.24. And losing your home alone is horrifying, but seeing it sold for so little is genuinely insulting. Because $3.24 is significantly less than what it costs to buy just one of those banana ducks. They cost $17.98. And the reason I know that is I bought one. And yes, I, too, was surprised by how small it is. But much less surprised than I was to learn that it technically costs more than someone’s entire fucking house.
And most states don’t even require HOA’s to offer a payment plan before taking legal action against a homeowner. And the reason for that is simple. Remember, HOA’s are private organizations. That means the nation’s 350,000 HOAs are largely unregulated. And the government sees any disputes as private matters. The California AG’s office says that it “does not handle most homeowners associations complaints,” the Texas secretary of state says that “no state agency regulates home or property owners’ associations,” and the New York state AG says “in most cases there is no government agency that can help unhappy home owners who are having problems with their homeowners association,” adding, “good luck!” Which is basically just a cute way to say “you’re fucked.” It’s like “you’re fucked” washed her hair and put on a little church dress. And if after all this you’re thinking, “well, I’ve learned my lesson. I will never buy a house in an HOA.” Remember over 80% of new homes that are sold, come with one. Also, you might not know you’re dealing with a bad HOA until it’s too late. As in most places, you aren’t legally required to be granted access to all of its rules until after your offer to buy a home is accepted. Which seems a bit weird doesn’t it? If your HOA can see your backyard from space, you should probably be able to see your HOA documents before you sign. And look, I’m not saying that all HOA’s should immediately be gone. For a start, some people do like theirs. Besides, right now, local governments just aren’t equipped to suddenly take over the services like trash collection or maintenance that they provide. But at the very least, states should be looking for ways to avoid the worst possible outcome for homeowners who find themselves in a tough spot. Like mandating HOA’s offer payment plans on unpaid debt before they take legal action, and banning foreclosures based solely on fines and attorneys fees. Because at their best, HOA’s are annoying student council adults telling you to trim your shrubs and move your trash cans, but at their worst they’re glorified debt collectors with the power to upend your life and expel people from a neighborhood. And at absolute minimum, from now on, HOA’s should probably be forced to be much clearer with people about what they’re potentially getting into.

♪ ♪

Good morning, Stephanie and Chloe. Hi, they are, welcome to Cedar paradise. The moment you purchase your home, you join our wonderful homeowners association, whether you wanted to or not. The HOA is here to take care of you. You give us money, and renewed return we maintain all the beauty you see around us. And if you don’t pay off, we’ll turn your fucking life upside down. Let me show you the neighborhood. Here at cedar paradise, we require one tree, six gallon, a garden gnome, a second number that want to talk to, a third one they ignore, one Victorian child playing hopscotch, and an American flag. But no benches.

Please, no!

Eat shit, Ted!

When you join in HOA, you’re really joining a community that looks after each other. As your elected representative, I make sure to take a hands-on approach.

Oh, novelty mailbox. That’s a violation.

Oh, yeah. That’s a violation.

Wind chimes. Gross. Three violations.

Nope, I don’t care for that tree. That’s a violation.

16 And a 15, that’s another $1,000, Ken!

Fuck you!

And Ken isn’t the only one who appreciates everything the HOA does.

Fuck the HOA! Bastards sons of bitches.

They found my shed by strapping a go-pro to a raccoon. A damn raccoon.

That’s some white people bullshit.

Apparently my cans are too visible, but you have to turn your head like this to even see them but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

Hey, Pam. Cans aren’t allowed to go down to the curb until 4:00 p.m. On trash day. It’s 3:57.

How long have you been in there?

Pam, this is recycle only.

I know.

Pam.

I know.

You this, Pam.

No broken glass on the driveway! That’s another fine.

Are you allowed to do that?

There’s nothing in the roles that says I can’t.

These rules are stupid–

what did you say?

Nothing. Have a good day! Bob!

And hey, if you fall behind on your payments, we get it. We’re not monsters.

Oh, hello, we are here for the debt.

I didn’t know I owe you anything.

We sent you a $20 fine three months ago, and we haven’t heard from you since.

Thank you, but that’s not all. There’s this bill, too.

What is this now?

I’ll let our lawyer explains.

And that starts my hour. You’ve got fees, late fees, late late fees, lawyer fees that’s me, fees for this conversation we’re having right now fees, there is a raccoon fee there. Yeah, a raccoon fee. Anyway, it comes to $11,067.38.

Wait, I can’t afford that!

Well, great news then! During this conversation, we foreclosed on your house!

I just bought it! Oh, $4! Can you break a $20? Wait, wait, this feels really illegal. It’s not! It’s not illegal at all! It’s not illegal, I’m a lawyer!

He knows!

I know!

What the fuck, yo!

Damn, y’all are strong!

[Laughter]

I never get sick of that!

Hey, want to come into my new house?

Yeah.

Let’s have a drink!

Yeah, let’s see what he’s got in the refrigerator. Oh, there’s a lot of fun art.

So welcome to the HOA. I think you’re going to like it here. And if you don’t come out tough nuts. You’ve got no other choice. Bye!

[Applause]

John: That’s our show! Thanks so much for watching! We’ll see you next week! Good night!

[Cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

Get off! Guess who’s eating raccoon tonight? Delicious.

SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Halo - S02E05 - Aleria

Halo – S02E05 – Aleria | Transcript

In the aftermath of defeat, the survivors struggle to pick up the pieces. On the desolate planet of Aleria, John grapples with an unprecedented loss. Soren and Laera search for their missing son. Makee treads carefully as the Arbiter grows impatient.

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!