Hacks – S03E06 – Par for the Course | Transcript

Deborah participates in a golf tournament to get face time with the cable affiliates who could decide her future.
Hacks - S03E06 - Par for the Course

Season 3 – Episode 6
Episode title: Par for the Course
Original release date: May 16, 2024

Plot: Deborah participates in a golf tournament to get face time with the cable affiliates who could decide her future.

* * *

[indistinct chatter]

[Peggy Lee’s “Show Me The Way To Get Out Of This World”]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

♪ Show me the way to get out of this world ♪

♪ ‘Cause that’s where everything is ♪

♪ If everything is goin’, I don’t want to stay here ♪

♪ Who wants to stick around and watch ♪

OK, 2, 11, 24, you can go home, thanks.

All right, everybody else, again, from the top.


What is going on?


Every year, I hire performers to dress as Christmas elves, and they hand-deliver my holiday-party invitations.

How cute is that? You can’t do that anymore.

[sighs] It’s really offensive.

These are working actors.

This is a legitimate gig. I pay double the SAG rate.

It’s still wrong.

Why? Because… because…

I-I don’t know. I just woke up.

Can I have some time to think about it?

Sure. You take your breakfast to figure it out.

And if you can’t, I never want to hear about it ever again.

OK, everybody, from the top!

♪ ♪

5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8!

♪ Show me the way to get out of this world ♪

♪ ‘Cause that’s where everything is ♪

Get those shoulders down. All right.

Snap! Think Fosse, snap!

[upbeat funky music]

♪ ♪

Let’s go, Deborah. You got it.


She’s out of there.

OK, we’ve got Walt McCarthy,

owns 15 affiliate stations in Missouri.

Conversation topics include toasted ravioli,

doomsday prepping, and Cardinals baseball.

McCarthy, Missouri. McCarthy, Missouri.

OK, got it.

Next up, we have Cort Moreau, affiliates in Wisconsin

and southern Illinois.

Six kids, three cats.

Smelly house.

Oh. Ow.

Are you sure you should be golfing with your ankle?

Can’t you just emcee?

The whole reason I took this emcee gig

was to have as much face time as possible

with all the affiliate owners who are playing the tournament.

They have a huge impact

on who the network picks as the next host.

I have to charm them

with personalized small talk and golf humor.

By the way, I need ten tasteful hole jokes.

Card me. Marty Ghilain.

From the Palmetto?

He owns an affiliate in Carson City.

His third wife wanted to be a weather girl.

She was actually pretty good.

Don’t judge a book by her giant fake tits.

[whistles] Bellissima.

[rock music]

♪ It takes sunshine and rain ♪

♪ ♪

Gender-reveal parties are literally disgusting.

I’m surprised DJ invited you. I asked if I could come.

Ladies and gentlemen!

[cheers and applause]

Fighting out of Las Vegas, Nevada,

please welcome

DJ “The Love of My Life” Vance!

[cheers and applause] Yeah!


[loud pop]

Oh! Oh, yeah!

It’s a boy!

[coughing] Boy!

Oh, Aidan, congratulations.

Mom, can you please say hi to my family real fast?

Yeah, sure. They’re watching virtually.

Oh, of course. Yes, of course.


Hi, Linda McClellan. [whispering] That’s my aunt.

Aunt Linda. Hi, how are you?

And Kathy V. Who’s Kathy V.?

Uh, that’s… that’s Aunt Kathy.

Ah. Mom!


Look, I get that this is super awkward

and she’s the devil or whatever,

but I still have a relationship with Aunt Kathy.

And I want her to have a relationship with my son.

It’s a boy.

Oh, God, all of his friends are gonna think I’m hot,

and that might be weird for him.

Whatever. We’ll work through it.

What do you want me to say?

I didn’t really want to bring it up here,

but I would like to invite her for Christmas.

Oh, you’re insane. Christmas is my holiday.

She can have 9/11.

We’re the only family she has left.

She doesn’t have any kids. She’s all alone.

Yeah, well, if she wants to talk to someone,

she can take a lap around the mall.

[sighs] The answer is no.

OK, whatever.

That powder is most definitely toxic,

and it’s in my throat.

[coughing, spitting]

Oh. Good girl.

[coughing] Ugh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Thank you. Can I help with that, ma’am?

Oh, that’s OK. I can carry it. Thank you.

Hey, I know you.

And I know you, Carter Walsh, the Comms King of Kansas.

[chuckles] Hope you brought me

some of that brown bread frozen custard, my friend.

Oh, it’s gonna be a fun weekend.

Oh, you know it. Can’t wait to see you emcee.

Ooh, rock chalk Jayhawk! [laughs loudly]


[dramatic musical flourish]

But I’ll never get laser hair removal,

’cause it’s impossible to know

where the culture’s ultimately gonna land on hairy pits.

Like, in 2011… Oh, my God.


Bob Lipka is here. [gasps]

He must be playing in the tournament.

Who’s that?

He’s the CEO of the conglomerate

that owns the network.

He’s the most important voice in picking the next host.

[gasps] This is perfect.

So there’s a rich guy here

who you want to suck up to more than the other rich guys?

Mm-hmm. Whatever.

Billionaires shouldn’t exist.

I used to have a pin on my jean jacket that said that.

Oh, yes, extremely successful,

high-achieving people must be stopped.

Well, they have no regard for the livelihood

of the working class.

Bob Lipka and his wife are huge philanthropists.

They give tons of money to the Democrats.


Philanthropy is just a fancy word for tax evasion.

But we’ll take the money. Mm.

He’s even better-looking in person.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

Oh, I would love another coffee.

No, she wouldn’t. Just the check, please.


We got two hours before your tee time.

You never waited tables, did you?

I was a hostess at Joe’s American Bar & Grill

at the South Shore Plaza,

but I was fired after one shift for being too openly depressed.

You like to say you’re a woman of the people,

but you’ve never actually been one.

If we park at this table, our waitress

will not be able to turn it over before the end

of the breakfast shift. Well, I…

Yeah, you tried to take work away from the little people

who deliver my Christmas-party invitations.

You wouldn’t let the bellman carry your bags,

and he probably lives on his tips.

And now this.

Oh, God.

I think you’re right.

Let’s go. Let’s go.

Come on, I got to clean my room.

[sighs] All right.

Peter! Aren’t those eggs fluffy?

Go, Padres.

[funky music]

♪ If you ain’t getting your thing ♪

♪ Like you ought to be getting your thing ♪

♪ Somebody else be getting your thing for you ♪

Hey, you ready to get out there?

I am.

I have a request about our group.

Way ahead of you on that one, Deb.

I already asked him to put us together.

Oh, I didn’t mean you, but hi.

Hi. [smooches]


Anyway, if you could put Bob Lipka

in our foursome, I would really appreciate it.

Absolutely, Ms. Vance.

Uh, I’m gonna go stretch.

I’ll see you out there? OK.

[gasps] Henry Morgan!

It’s actually Morgan Henry.

No, uh, I know that. I’m just a little bit dyslexic.

[laughs] Hey, go, Tarpons.

But we’ve got to get you guys a Major League team.

Oh, well, you know, we have one, actually.

It’s the Rays, so…

You could always use two. [laughs]

All right. OK, well, have a great time.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

OK, I’m gonna head to my room to work on your speech.

I cannot concentrate with all your jock energy.

No, you’re gonna be my caddy. What?

You’re gonna come and drill me on those flashcards.

That can’t happen again. OK. I’ll do it.

Really? Yep.

You don’t want to just go back and forth, back and forth

about it for a while and then finally cave?

Nope, I accept. You’re right.

I haven’t had a job in the service industry,

and this will give me some good time in a support role.

You are gonna be shocked at how of the people I am.

Yeah, we’ll see about that.

You’re soft. I am not.

You put sunscreen on your hair part.

My doctor says I have to.

Also, you have to buy me golf clothes.

[Chuck Conlon & The Crawlers’ “I Won’t Tell”]

♪ A teaspoon holds more than a fork does ♪

♪ ♪

♪ A long snail eats more than a short one ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Let the people find out ♪

♪ For themselves ♪

♪ I won’t tell them about it ♪

♪ ♪

Ooh. Sorry.

No, no, t-this one, this one. Don’t… just get…

Get that sock off for you.

OK. You are good.

Go ahead, girl.

Ooh, Theo!

Gorgeous shot.

Love that belt, by the way.

I see what you’re up to this weekend.

Very shrewd.

Just here to beat you at golf.

So how’s the French whore? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I mean your lovely fiancée. She’s good. Good.

We got a house in France, and she spends the summer there.

She’s there now?

Yeah, you know, late spring through September,

October, November.

Long summers in France.

That’s why the reception is gonna be held in…

Oh, look, look, look, look. That’s Bob Lipka.

Oh, do I have anything in my teeth?

Don’t look. Check my teeth.

No. Yeah. OK? OK.

Deborah Vance, the one and only.

Bob Lipka. Bob Lipka.

Yeah, I’m a big fan. Oh.

Thank you. Of my comedy?

Of your everything. Oh. [laughs]

Hey, Bob.

Marty! How you doing? It’s good to see you, man.

Gonna be fun today. Yeah.

It feels like…

5 MPH over here.

Well, we’re starting downwind today, so…

Yeah, I think north is in that direction?

Could be wrong.

Hey, I’m Ava.

I’m just filling in as caddy today,

so I might be leaning on you for some advice.

But, uh, yeah, ready to carry some clubs.

You don’t really carry them.

You put them in the back of the cart.

Oh. Huh.

Seems like the cart is a caddy, and we’re just doing theater,

but, uh, that’s cool, that’s cool.

Also, your vest is on backwards.


I like it like that.


You know.

It’s fashion.

You golfed, I assume, when you were there.

I did. We golfed… I think we golfed two days.

Oh, my gosh. The course was great.

We’re here for the kids, but sure feels good

to hit a good one, huh? What?

Oh, yeah, we missed it. Sorry.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, you’re up. All right.

Ooh, nice distance on that one, Bob.

Thanks, Deborah.

Not as far as mine, though.

You’re up.

Oh, gosh. Um, all right…

Good poke.

You have a really buoyant form, Deborah.


Hey, don’t be afraid to deepen that shoulder tilt.

Oh, right, thank you. That’s really good advice.

I’ll try not to be too afraid.


Yeah, she’s really timid.

Nice! [water splashes]

It was terrible.

Bob, you got to give me some more pointers.

All right. No, that was really helpful.

I don’t have that many. Thank you.


[upbeat music]

OK, that was solid, but on the next one,

you’re gonna want to avoid the slope.

Or maybe you want to aim for the slope so the ball rolls.

You definitely want to do something with the slope.

The slope is a huge part of our lives right now.

[sighs] Flash cards. Right, right.

All right. OK, go for it.

Oh, I know this one!

Flat-earther, loves boats.

Allegations against the son.

Barry Plutz!

Correct! Whoo!

Miss, that’s the men’s tee.

The women’s tee’s further up.

Fuck that.

Damn. Nice.


I’m in love.

Can I use the women’s tee? [laughter]

[upbeat funky music]


Come on, come on. Let’s work this room.

Hey, Mr. 3 Under Par.


I love your politics. Cheers.

Interesting stuff.

Don’t tell anyone, but you’re my favorite.

Oh, so glad!

Can I offer you ladies cigars?

Oh, we don’t really… We’d love to.

Light ’em up.

You are funnier than Seinfeld!


It’s a birthday video for your grandniece?

Oh, sure. Give me your phone.

I’ll tell you what…

I’m rooting for you.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

[coughs, hacks]

It’s a good one.

[gentle piano music]

♪ ♪

♪ Simple pleasures ♪

♪ Just to take the time ♪

A-and don’t think I haven’t heard about your ski trips.

What? What?

Renting out an entire floor in Gstaad?

I couldn’t decide which view I wanted.

Ah! [laughs] Seriously.

Also, a little birdie told me that you

are on the alumni board at Dartmouth?

I sure am. Wow.

We were just there for parents’ weekend.


The foliage this year was stunning.

Oh, well, maybe you could put in a good word for my grandson.

Oh, I see, ulterior motives. Well…

How old? He’s due in about 20 weeks.

[laughs loudly]

Can’t start too soon, right? [laughter]

It’s for the kids!

I’ll do an interview.

For the kids!

What are you doing?

Looking for that gorgeous golf queen from yesterday.

She’s behind us today, dummy.

Whew. Good looking out, boss.

There you go.

Not bad.

Well, thanks to you.

[whispering] I remember you being

a better player than this, hmm?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hey, caddy girl.

You gonna clean up that divot your golfer made?

Uh, oh, yeah.

Def. [chuckles]

This divot officially needs to be re-divoted.


Get on your knees.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

That’s it.

♪ ♪

All right, all right. Calm down. Calm down.

All right, back to business.

Our next auction item is a weekend of pampering

at the Canyon Ranch spa.

Ooh, I love that place.

As an added bonus, I lost an emerald earring

in their saltwater plunge pool last August.

If you can find it,

this package is worth an extra 11 grand.

[laughter] Give her a show!

Let’s start the bidding off at 2,000.

Anybody? 2,000? 2,000? Anyb…

2,000, this table right here, this gentleman.

Wow, your own plane.

I could fly you to Turks and Caicos.

And from there, you could go wherever you needed to go.

What an offer.

Deborah! Hi.


[gasps] Glenn! How you doing?

Good to see you.

Have you seen Bob? He hasn’t bid on anything.

I’m afraid I offended him when I did that bit

eviscerating the Michelin star system.

I knew that was too edgy for this crowd.

I saw him sneak out after you auctioned off the safari.

Was that a low-key rhino hunt?

Huh? No. Yeah, maybe.

Don’t go! [sighs]

You have gorgeous hips.


[soft elegant music playing]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

OK, the ’96 Dom Perignon.

Great. Great.

Yeah? Are we celebrating? Yeah.


[soft jazz piano music]


♪ ♪

Ah, Deborah.

Come here often?

[chuckles] Wow, two stand-up comedians

running into each other at a golf club in Nevada.

[chuckles] You must be like, what?

I just… I flew up briefly for a…


Looked like it went well.

It did. Yeah.

I didn’t realize you saw.

[sighs] You know what?

I’m glad I ran into you, because I just…

I want to say I hope there’s no hard feelings.

And it would mean a lot if you were one of my first guests.

You’re welcome anytime.

♪ ♪

All right, well, I’ll leave you to it.


Black on black.

Billie Jean King.

It’s not not working.

I’m not getting late night.

What? What happened?

I saw Bob Lipka meeting with Jack Danby.

He got the job. Well, that’s bullshit.

All right, so w-w-what’s our game plan?


I’ll pay you for your whole hiatus.

You can go back to LA whenever you want.

No, we’re not gonna give up.

It’s happening.

And of course it is.

It was stupid of me to even think I had a chance.

[sighs sharply]


I don’t want to talk about it.

[light guitar music]

♪ ♪

♪ I know we’ve been asking ♪

♪ For trouble, my Lord ♪

♪ I know that is trouble ♪

♪ You’ve headed us toward ♪

♪ Do what you’re willing ♪

♪ But don’t flash that sword ♪

♪ ♪

You might want to loosen that grip a bit.


There she is.

[Freddie King’s “Going Down”]

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

♪ ♪


♪ I’m going down ♪

♪ I’m going down, down, down, down, down ♪

♪ ♪

I’ll have a Corona, please.

Hey, Deborah, can I buy you a cocktail?

I’ll have a Gatorade Zero.


Thank you.

♪ ♪

Thanks. Keep the change.

♪ Well, I’m going back to Chattanooga ♪

♪ And sleep on sister ♪

I’ll tell you what… you are looking real confident

with that 9-iron.

You know?

You are just getting it done.

Hey, Deborah. Deborah. I’m not… I’m not in yet.

I’m… Deborah.

♪ ♪

Nice shot!

Would you get my ball?

♪ ♪


You want to go to the restaurant,

get something to eat?

[sighs] I think I just want to be alone.

[soft jazz music playing]

♪ ♪

Hey. Hey.

Mind if I sit?


Thanks. [clears throat]

You’re a white-wine girl, huh?

Not usually, but, um, I wanted to try this.

It’s Cameron Diaz’s company. Oh, good for her.

Is it good?

That’s what I’ve been wondering.

What do you mean?

Like, isn’t it bad that the goal for actors now

is to, like, be good at art so you can sell CBD lip balm

or whatever?

But then again, actresses have historically had

their image monetized without any control

over how that image was used.

So maybe if this gives them more power and agency,

it’s a good thing. Great.

But then again, doesn’t capitalism

only ultimately benefit evil rich white men,

regardless of who heads any one company?

So maybe it’s bad. Well…

But also… [chuckles] Who am I to judge?

I work for a giant media conglomerate.

I’m just gonna go live in the woods.

On stolen land?

Oh, God. [chuckles]

You talk about this stuff a lot?

It comes up.

Mm, and she keeps you around. She must really like you.


[sighs] She found out she didn’t get the hosting gig.

She’s really upset.


That’s what today was about.

Well, it’s disappointing, but she’ll be all right.

I hope so.

I’ve known her a long time.

And over these past couple years, she’s really changed.

And I’m pretty sure that’s right about the time

you showed up, kid.

Thank you for saying that.

Even though calling me “kid” is incredibly infantilizing,

it’s also charming.

[cell phone plays French tune]

Merde. [chuckles]

I got to FaceTime with a French wedding florist.

Au revoir.

I don’t think caddies are allowed to drink up here.

Oh. Sorry, sh…

I guess I’ll leave. I think you should.

[glass thuds lightly]

And I think you should come to my room.

♪ ♪


[golf club thuds, Deborah grunts]

Good evening.

I thought I better get in some practice swings

after you destroyed me on the course today.

I had no idea you were so good.

Nobody does.

Where’s your security?

Oh, I put a mop and some pillows under my blanket.

I was kidding.

I gave him the night off.



[sniffs] Oh, yeah, you stink.

[moans] What… what was that?

I said you fucking stink.

Did you not shower after you carried those clubs all day?


Oh, uh… [chuckles] I-I-I did.

I washed my hair, even.


I think you need a shower, caddy girl.

Hold on. Sorry.

Um, I just want to be clear about one thing.

Um, I’m not actually a caddy.

What? You were caddying.

Mm. Oh, my God.

Yeah. No, um, I-I was just filling in for the weekend.

I actually work full-time as a co-producer

on a topical comedy variety show,

which has been such a cool experience…

to use my comedy skills to engage with real issues.


All right.

Hold on. [chuckles] Is that a deal-breaker for you?

Yeah. This entire situation is fucked now.

Well, wait.

Were you only into me ’cause I was a caddy?


[scoffs] OK.

Is this, like, some weird power thing

where you only wanted to fuck me

because I’m your working-class subordinate?

Kind of problematic. Oh, God.

Everything is so problematic these days.

What, are you gonna lecture me on inclusivity,

tell me how I can’t fund fracking?

Fra… fracking?

Are you a Republican?


Oh, my God, that was not on your flash card.

It just said you were a mother to two German shepherds!


You’re a gay Republican? How does that make sense?

You’re a co-producer pretending to be a caddy.

How does that make sense? I don’t know! It doesn’t.

I was just trying to be a good person,

and ethical consumption is fucking impossible!

Where is my shirt?

I was really looking forward to pissing on a caddy.

You were not gonna piss on me!

Yeah, I was. No, you weren’t.

Yes, I was. I was going to piss all over you.

You weren’t gonna piss on me, no.

Oh, wow, a liberal kink-shamer.

I thought you people were supposed to be sex-positive.

Oh, my God.

I would happily let a socialist pee on me!

Buh-bye, lady.

[door opens] Your loss!

[door closes]

You know, people are probably afraid to tell you this,

but your swing sucks.

Really? Yeah, what do they call you?

Oh, yeah, Slice and Dice Lipka.

Now, that’s just mean.


OK, don’t hold back.

Well, I don’t know where to start.

I mean, just… the way you address the ball,

you got to keep your left foot lined up with the club.

Which I do.

Turn your club face a little bit.


And keep your left arm straighter.

All right.

Like this?


All right.

That was pathetic.

Pathetic? Mm-hmm.

Well, why don’t you come over here and show me?

Jesus Christ, I got to do everything myself.

OK, remember, you’re not playing fucking baseball!

[exhales deeply, chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

[clicks tongue]

[indistinct chatter continues]

Feel that? Yeah, I feel that.

All the power comes from your hips.

And then your chest, your chest

ends up like that, right?

You follow with your chest, like that.

How about here?

That works.


I think so too.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

I think you already know this,

but we made a decision about the show.

I know.

[Leisure’s “Got It Bad”]

♪ ♪

♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

You dirty diva.

Get it, Derba.

Excusez-moi, Miss Thang!

I saw you doing the walk of shame this morning.

High five.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Oh, come on. What happened?

Who happened? Marty?

Oh, no, Deborah, not Bill Blort from Cincinnati.


Bob Lipka.

Oh, shit. Nice.

No, not nice. Mistake.

Pack your things. We’re leaving early.

I’m not gonna finish the tournament.

Wait, why are you so upset?

Oh, God! I don’t know what came over me.

I was so mad, I just…

The meaner I was to him, the more into me he was!

I just got swept up.

Makes sense.

Half the dudes here are probably pain pigs.

I don’t sleep with married men.

Haven’t you and Marty…

No, never when he’s been married.

I don’t get it.

You’re not exactly a rule follower.

You care about monogamy?

I follow rules.

You’ve literally committed voter fraud.

You vote in Nevada and Florida.

I got confused once, and I regret ever telling you.

Oh, I feel sick.

You have to be kinder to yourself.

Also, you’ve had a really tough weekend.

It’s OK.

I swore when this happened to me…

I would never be the other woman.

OK, well, fucking a married man once

is not the same as marrying your sister’s husband.

It’s just not who I am. I get it.

It’s important to have values.

But sometimes you make a mistake,

end up in bed with an oil heiress

who wants to pee on ya.

My point is…

trying to be a good person is hell.

But at least you’re trying.

And I don’t know, maybe it’ll help you get, like,

1% over what happened with Kathy.

You want me to sit on your suitcase so you can zip it?

Yes, please.


Also, what happened to your hair, girl?

You guys go swimming?

I don’t know.

I think I made him sit in the shower.


Freak nasty.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Thank you. No problem.

[doorbell rings]

Kathy Vance? Yes?

You are cordially invited

to attend Deborah Vance’s Vegas Christmas Spectacular.

My sister, Deborah Vance?

Is this a prank?

I-I don’t know. I’m just the messenger.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Nobody tips anymore.

[Marvin Gaye’s “Purple Snowflakes”]

♪ ♪

♪ Softly they flow ♪

♪ Where do they go? ♪

♪ Purple snowflakes ♪ ♪ Cover the ground ♪

♪ Without a sound ♪ ♪ Gentle snowflakes ♪

♪ Fall from the sky before your eyes ♪

♪ It’s so thrilling ♪ ♪ Blankets of white ♪

♪ Brighten the night ♪ ♪ Such a feeling ♪

♪ They seem to say ♪

♪ That our love is here to stay ♪

♪ We’ll be cozy and warm ♪

♪ Until summer flowers bloom ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here in our nest, we’re surely blessed ♪

♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪ ♪ Over the heat ♪

♪ Gee, ain’t life sweet? ♪ ♪ Tootsies toasting ♪

♪ Drifting on air without a care ♪

♪ Purple snowflakes ♪ ♪ Cover the ground ♪

♪ Without a sound ♪ ♪ Love the snowflakes ♪

♪ As sure as snowflakes ♪

♪ Fall from the gloom ♪

♪ I will always remember this night ♪

♪ Here with you ♪

♪ Hey ♪

all: ♪ Snowflakes ♪

♪ Pretty purple snowflakes ♪


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