Hacks – S03E04 – Join the Club | Transcript

Hacks
Season 3 – Episode 4
Episode title: Join the Club
Original release date: May 9, 2024

Plot: Deborah is invited to hang with some of her favorite comedians, Jimmy finally lands a general meeting with Winnie and Marcus recruits Ava for trivia.

* * *

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[breathing heavily]

Hey! Stop!

It’s an emergency!

What are you doing?

It’s not safe!

[panting]

♪ ♪

Under the seat.

Thank you.

Not the time to invite any crow’s feet.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

God, look at this.

Jack Danby’s reps have him schmoozing with the head of comedy and the CEO of the whole conglomerate.

You know what? Don’t worry, ’cause Kayla and I are all over it, OK?

We’re working really hard to connect with Winnie Landell.

Oh, yeah, she looks like she’s all over it.

[snoring]

[sighs]

Winnie’s schedule is packed, and every comedy rep is trying to sit down with her, so it’s been a little tricky.

Tricky for you.

You need to get a meeting with Winnie ASAP.

I promise you we will, OK?

And when we do, I already have a great angle, OK?

I’ve practiced this.

They probably want someone diverse, right?

Well, guess what. Old is diverse, huh?

Yeah. We’ll shatter the glass hip.

No, I didn’t mean that.

Oh, man.

Is there any way I can get out of this thing?

Cohosting the Macy’s Day Parade is– it’s so daytime.

It’s not gonna help with these guys.

Well, we’re 45 minutes from landing to tape the promo, so I think it’s a little late to pull out.

Is there any other meaningful press I can do while I’m in New York?

You know, I could probably get you on “Talk Stoop.”

“Talk Soup”?

No, “Talk Stoop” with Cat Greenleaf.

It’s on Taxi TV.

You sit on a stoop and…talk.

Oh, my God.

You know what?

You also have a standing offer at “The Chew.”

“The Jew”?

“The Chew,” like teeth.

Oh, yeah. No, I know.

You need to come up with better ideas.

And speak from your diaphragm.

[forcefully] Will do. [clears throat]

People, this is what we’re up against, a Harvard boy with connections.

Sitting on a stoop can’t compete with a guy who just hosted the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

OK, why don’t you just put out a press release saying that you want late night so that way, you’re in the conversation?

Oh, God, no.

A woman can’t just come out and say what she wants.

No, that looks–

both: Thirsty.

Mm-hmm.

No, it’s got to seem like it’s their idea.

OK, fine. Do what you want.

I’ll just be quiet and keep eating these cookies.

Those are dog biscuits.

I’m aware. They’re delicious… and grain-free.

The chef told me.

I was like, are you fucking serious?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

So Deborah and I agreed that while I’m with her, I should also spend time working on my own stuff.

You absolutely should; I would love to get a feature out of you.

You and me both.

So I was wondering if you knew of any, like, open writing assignments that you think would be good for me.

Yes, I have coverage from Kayla, actually…

Whoo!

That I think might be interesting.

OK, great.

Literally every studio wants a procedural based on “Operation.”

Remember that game? [mimics buzzer]

OK, what else you got?

OK, so they’ve done some market research, and they’ve found that Gen Z thinks the animated spoon from “Beauty and the Beast” is hot and apparently can “get it.”

So they want something that focuses on his love life, like a spin-off focusing on the animated spoon’s love life.

Love life.

Um, all right.

OK.

Give me another one.

No spoon. OK.

Oh. I got it. I found it.

This one is good for you.

They’re doing a bisexual Gumby.

He bends both ways.

You’re bisexual. [laughs]

Yeah, so that might be perfect for you.

The working title: “Gum-Bi.”

OK, you know what?

I think I’m just gonna try to write an idea of my own.

Original is really harder to sell.

Honestly, nobody wants it.

But Roku is open, and they have two buckets they’re looking to fill right now, noisy concepts and Black joy.

I think you should focus on noisy concepts, though, since you are not Black-no offense.

You’re not.

Oh, OK.

I missed one.

They want to do something with “Sleeping Beauty,”

but apparently, this time, it’s consensual.

And if someone could ask Hoda where she got her scarf,

I would just love it.

Sure.

Deborah Vance.

Oh, my gosh, Henry Weeks!

[chuckles]

How have you been?

I haven’t seen you since–

Jerry Lewis Telethon.

That’s it.

This is so wild.

Two weeks ago, I recorded an NPR segment

where I had to pick something from pop culture that I loved,

and I talked about your special.

You did?

Are you kidding?

It was the best special of the last ten years,

which kills me because I released one three years ago.

[both laugh]

Wow, that–wow, thank you.

That means a lot coming from you.

I’m serious.

You took a lifetime of issues,

and you turned it into a work of genius.

Actually, are you still in Vegas?

Yeah.

Oh, this is fabulous.

‘Cause every few years, Terry, Cliff Calhoun, and I–

Oh, let me guess–

gamble, golf, drugs, women?

No, even better.

We get colonoscopies together.

[laughs]

I knew something was going in a hole.

[laughs] We rent a house in Vegas.

We play cards, clear out our GI tract.

Next day, we get the colonoscopies.

And then we celebrate with a Vegas night out.

And whoever has the cleanest bill of health buys dinner.

[laughs] Well, that sounds like a blast.

It is.

And we’re doing it this weekend.

So if you’re due, you should come.

I’d love to.

I’ve been so busy, I’m overdue.

Oh, well, that’s great. That’s great.

I will text you all the details.

OK. Can I bring something?

Air freshener.

I guess men can be funny.

[both laugh]

OK, see you soon.

Just do it harder, or don’t do it at all, Jimmy.

[phone ringing]

[groans]

Hi. I got a delivery for Ruby.

It says hand off in person.

Oh, well, I’m-sorry, I’m not there.

It’s my girlfriend’s house.

I mean, it’s my house too.

We’re sort of taking space right now

to evaluate things.

Hey, is that order for one person or two?

[sighs] I’m just gonna leave it at the door.

No, no, just tell me if there’s beef.

She doesn’t eat beef.

Beef is a smoking gun!

Sir!

Hey, are you OK?

Yeah. Why?

You just yelled, “Beef is a smoking gun.”

Oh, that.

I think I’m extra sensitive because Ruby’s having this going-away party on Friday.

Do you think I should drive four hours to LA to say goodbye even though she didn’t invite me?

I should, right?

No.

Whew. Your mind.

But if you’re looking for a distraction,

you could come to bar trivia Friday night.

You do bar trivia?

OK, extracurriculars, very healthy.

Well, it is a team that my mom

and ex-boyfriend started without me.

They only asked me to join when they realized

they needed someone who knew state capitals.

Sorry.

Hello, my gorgeous team.

What’s going on?

They slash the capital gains tax?

[laughs]

No. I’m getting a colonoscopy.

Ah.

Hmm.

But you just-you just had one.

I know, but this is a group thing.

Well, OK.

Exciting.

Oh, all right.

Whoa!

OK!

Shake it!

Shake that thing!

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Honestly, this was a great idea.

I cannot wait to hit.

I’ve been so stressed out with all this Deborah stuff.

Yeah, I had no idea they had courts here.

Yeah, they don’t have tennis courts.

They have pickleball courts.

Wait, pickleball?

Yeah, it’s like tiny tennis. [chuckles]

I know what pickleball is, but I thought we were

playing tennis; that’s why I agreed.

OK, don’t be mad at me.

Oh, God.

But this is our general with Winnie Landell.

What? Kayla, what the hell?

I thought you were scheduling that for next week.

I’m sorry, man.

I can’t be perfect, OK? I tried to get us the meeting.

Her next opening’s not for, like, eight months.

But her second assistant Avi, who I made out with

seven years ago-really bad kisser–

said she’s obsessed with pickleball

and she has a standing reservation on this court.

So you’re welcome.

Kayla, what do you expect me to do here?

You want me to just walk up to her randomly,

wearing mesh shorts, and pitch Deborah to host late night?

No, I want you to get into a game with her,

you know, impress her with your skills.

Maybe you earn her respect,

and then you seal the fucking deal, baby!

OK, shh, we’re at an expensive country club.

It’s not illegal to yell.

I don’t know how to play pickleball.

And this plan is insanity, girl.

You’re an amazing tennis guy.

You could probably pick up any sport.

You could probably bowl.

What–

[sighs] Come on.

I got us these cute little paddles.

It’s kind of kinky.

Come on, stretch me out.

[sighs] My God.

♪ ♪

Let’s see.

That, that…

[knocking]

Hi.

While you’re gone, I will be turning the heat up to 68

’cause I’ve started shivering so hard,

my arm hair is getting thicker.

I need the thermostat passcode.

No, no, a room should be the same temperature

as a white wine fridge.

Keeps your metabolism on its toes.

So what do you think, this or this?

I mean, which is better for a colonoscopy prep party?

I don’t know. Is it too sparkly?

I just–

I don’t know, maybe-I’ll just–

should go with what I have on.

[laughs]

I’m so shocked that you care this much.

Oh, you don’t understand.

I’ve always idolized them.

When I was first starting in stand-up, they were the guys.

OK, but weren’t you, like, the girl?

Oh, no, no.

I mean, I could fill seats, you know,

but they thought it was because of my sitcom, you know,

or the fire.

I was never seen as legit by guys like them.

And now they want you to clean out your colon with them.

Dreams really do come true.

I know!

[laughs]

Isn’t it fantastic?

Can I just get a blanket?

♪ ♪

Yeah. Yeah, well, she can go–

they can go to hell for all I care.

OK, bye-bye.

Hey, hey, hey. This is our court.

Oh, Johnny?

Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. We met at JFL.

You told me you had sex with my dad.

Oh, right. This is our court.

Oh, I must have accidentally booked this

for Tuesday instead of Thursday.

This always happens–you put a T down in the calendar,

and you’re like, was that for Tuesday or Thursday?

Does that ever happen to you?

No.

Honestly, I have the same problem with trying to r–

Damn it, this sucks, ’cause, you know,

Jimmy here was gonna help me with my technique.

He’s really amazing. He’s really, really good.

Really? You don’t really have a pickleball body.

He’s got a pickleball body.

It’s in his bones.

[clears throat]

[chuckles] He’s a tennis star.

You know, my dad hired him to give me lessons one summer,

and it’s probably one of the best memories of my childhood.

It was?

Mm-hmm.

You’re that good?

Yeah, he played tennis at Brown.

I did.

Well, maybe we should play doubles.

I love a little competition,

but I hate people who waste my time.

Peter Thiel? Like playing with Helen Keller

without the star power.

Wow, well, I’m certainly better than that.

She was blind, deaf, and mute.

Jimmy.

By the way, I’m Beth. I work with Winnie.

We play for money. What do you say?

Grand a game?

Holy hell, OK.

Wow.

Sure, yeah, absolutely.

Great.

It’s just money, and we got it.

Sure thing. I like it.

[clears throat]

That sounds good to me.

Google the rules. Google the rules.

♪ ♪

Hey.

This is Ava.

Hey, nice to meet you guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey!

Thank God you got us a white.

What? Oh, yeah. I’m a white person, yeah.

We got a strong team, but we have some blind spots.

Mm-hmm.

Last week, we lost

on a question about natural wine.

Oh, I love natural wine.

[mockingly] Oh, I love natural wine.

We gon’ mop the floor with these motherfuckers.

[laughter]

[muffled laughter, chatter]

[doorbell rings]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

Ho-ho!

Henry!

Well, if it isn’t our very own “It Girl.”

Oh, I like that.

Ah, Terry, Cliff, hi!

Aw, good to see you, Deb.

Oh, my God, you too.

You look fantastic.

Thank you.

Now, are you ready for my famous laxa-tini?

Oh, boy.

You might be used to vodka,

but tonight you’re getting magnesium sulfate straight up.

Shaken, not stirred, I hope.

[laughs]

May I take your bag, Miss Special of the Year?

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Her bag, my jokes-you take everything.

All right, let it go, Cliff.

There are six bathrooms.

But if you can’t make it,

there’s a really ugly vase on the kitchen counter.

No, it’s deep.

[laughs]

It’ll work.

[laughing] Oh, my.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Mine.

Beth.

Mine!

[all grunting]

Mine!

Oh, my God.

Boom goes the dynamite.

How’s my ass taste?

That’s–

$10 grand, you beta fuck.

I’m sorry. I get very competitive.

But it is $10 grand.

[exhales heavily]

We have to go.

We don’t have that kind of money.

Double or nothing?

[scoffs]

Oh, look who grew some foreskin.

I like it. Let’s go.

Oh, my God, help us all.

[rock music playing over speakers]

♪ ♪

Hello!

Wh–

Oh, shit. Ray?

Oh, my God.

Dude!

King of the Palmetto front desk.

What’s up, my man?

How are you?

So you’re back in Vegas?

Just for a little. I live in LA.

I’m on hiatus from working on that show “On The Contrary.”

Oh, yeah. That show used to be funny.

Thanks. [chuckles]

Are you here for trivia?

Am I here for trivia?

Yeah, I’m a legend around these parts.

My team Quiz Khalifa was disbanded

’cause we won too much,

so now I’m with O’trivia Newton-John.

Oh, that’s cool.

Yeah, it’s my first time.

My friend Marcus invited me.

Wait, you’re here with SWA?

SWA?

Yeah, Sisters with Answers.

I hate them. We hate them.

Marcus, are you wearing an Apple Watch, dude?

Raymond, it is on airplane mode.

OK, you know the rules, though: no smartwatches, no smartphones.

You know, you can rattle off

about the rules all you want to.

You still don’t know the capital of South Dakota.

Bismarck?

Is it?

It i–

oh, fuck, that’s North Dakota.

Shit.

Jesus Christ. [chuckles]

All right, see you on the ice.

Hello!

You know, I work in customer service too, and this is dog shit.

[laughter]

You did not!

I did.

No, you did not!

Did it backwards.

Backwards!

[vocalizing]

Oh!

Oh!

[vocalizing]

Oh, boy.

You are gonna hate this.

[all groaning]

To talking shit and to making it too.

Down one hatch and out another.

Ugh.

Oh, God! [all groaning]

I can’t believe you did 40 dates last year.

I got to give you a lot of credit.

I couldn’t do that now.

Oh, don’t sell yourself short, Terry.

You couldn’t sell out that many venues

when you were young either.

[laughter]

All right, all right.

Had I known that you were going to roast Terry,

I would have invited you years ago.

[laughter]

Deborah, I saw you on late night.

You were fantastic.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I heard that Danby kid’s

probably gonna be the next host.

I don’t get him.

I mean, how old is he?

I mean, not even 40, lucky fuck.

He’s fine, but he never would have made it back in the day.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

No, no.

Eh, he’s not that good.

If they wanted to hire somebody unfunny,

they could hire him.

Hey, hey, hey!

I was just nice to you.

OK, OK. You have to pay the price.

No, no, no, no!

Come on. Come on.

Ah, God!

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Cheers.

Cheers.

The answer to question number five

is Kylie Minogue.

Yes, baby! [phone chimes]

Question six was Juneau, Alaska.

Killing it! Killing it.

Whoo-hoo!

Yes.

And the answer to question seven was the film “Frances Ha.”

Yes!

Good girl.

–

I’m a Baumbach-head, dude.

Know his whole oeuvre.

The leaders are still

Sisters with Answers with 30 points…

[all cheering]

That’s right.

Followed by O’trivia Newton-John

with 29 points…

Fuck you, bitch.

[blows raspberry]

[phone chimes]

And the Corn Cob Boys with 25 points.

So round five is gonna be a sports round.

Wait, violation. Phone violation.

Ava Daniels on SWA, she’s using her phone to cheat.

No.

OK, OK, she’s new.

No, she was warned.

I warned her.

OK, everybody calm down.

All right, so, SWA, you were on your phone.

That’s gonna be a five-point penalty.

Oh!

I’m sorry.

I’m still connected to the Ring cam at my girlfriend’s house, and she’s having a party.

People keep buzzing the door. I’m just letting them in.

Girl.

Ava?

Oh, shit.

Hi.

Wow.

Are you kidding me?

OK, I’m going outside.

Jesus.

What the fuck, Ava?

Why are you letting people into my house?

It kept buzzing on my phone.

And I could say that you not creating a party protocol that didn’t involve the Ring cam is disrespectful to me.

Have you been spying on me through our camera?

No, I have been here living my life, having a phone.

And occasionally did I check to make sure you didn’t leave the palo santo burning?

Yes, it’s possible.

Oh, my God.

OK. Jesus, I’m sorry.

I’ll delete it, but it’s just gonna be annoying to re-log in when I get home.

I don’t think you’re gonna be re-logging in.

What do you mean I’m not gonna re-log in to our doorbell app?

I just think this space has felt… really right for me.

And I’m just not sure-

I’m sure. I’m very sure.

I want to be with you.

Then be with me.

Come to Iceland.

I-[sighs]

We’re just–it’s–

There’s my answer.

[somber music]

I think this is over.

[scoffs] No. Ruby–

Bye, Ava.

♪ ♪

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[sighs] Great shot.

Don’t say that.

Why would you say that?

[grunting]

Oh.

You got to come up on those.

I beg your pardon?

You got to come up on those.

Oh, my God.

Mine!

[coughs]

Yes!

Yeah! both: Whoo!

You got to come up on those.

There we go. Boom!

Oh, Jesus. Ow.

Oh, you didn’t like that, huh?

Match point for you guys.

We know, Beth.

Jesus fuck!

This is exactly why I divorced your ass.

I know. God.

[clears throat]

Hey, what’s going on? You OK?

Jimmy, I feel like I’m really scared.

My back’s, like, tensing up.

You know I’m the weakest link.

I feel like I’m gonna mess this up.

Hey, you got a great serve.

All you have to do is get it over the net.

And if it comes to you, dink it.

OK. Dink it.

Dink it, and I’ll take care of the rest, OK?

OK.

All right, you got this.

OK.

OK.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

[exhales sharply]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[grunts]

Beth.

[grunts]

Nice dink!

Mine!

♪ ♪

[grunts] Yeah!

Yes!

How’s my ass taste?

Whoo!

Motherfucker!

Yes! We won nothing.

That was amazing.

God, what is wrong with you?

Good game.

Ugh.

That is the best match we’ve had

in months, right, Beth?

I guess.

You’re good, LuSaque.

You’re at Latitude, right?

I actually left to start my own firm.

Deborah Vance came with us.

Ah, she’s funny.

Good for you. She’s having a moment.

Yeah, a moment I think you could be taking advantage of.

I know you need a new host for 11:30, and she’d be amazing.

She rocks.

I mean, she’s funny

but old-school in the perfect way.

She can talk to anybody and–

Hey, you don’t have to sell me on Deborah.

I love her. I loved her guest spot.

But I need someone with– how can I put this-staying power.

You said yourself in your interview in “Variety”–

I read it, loved it– that late night’s on the decline and you need to shake it up.

Well, Deborah’s a really noisy choice.

She’s certainly unexpected.

But a 70-year-old woman is a tough sell.

Well, not to your audience.

I mean, the majority of people watching are over 30.

You put someone like Jack Danby behind that desk, kids aren’t getting off TikTok to watch him.

My mom doesn’t know who he is.

But Deborah sold 4 million physical DVDs last year.

I mean, she’s the queen of people who can’t figure out their internet.

[laughs]

With her, you keep the audience you have.

Plus, you’re doing something that’s never been done before.

Jimmy, it’s a good pitch, but I just don’t think she’s it.

But I’m gonna think about it.

You want to play tomorrow morning?

Like, in ten hours?

Yeah.

See you there, sister.

You reserve. See you at 7:00.

Bye.

We can’t reserve a court if we’re nonmembers.

Ugh, how much does it cost to join?

$20 grand a year apiece.

It’d be less if we were married.

How much less?

OK, I hear you loud and clear.

No, I just want to know–

No, no.

It’s something you want to consider.

That’s fine.

We have to join now is my consideration.

OK, yeah.

Let’s talk about it.

This is the last question.

We could win this.

Which Ventura, California, swing band are known for their song

“You, Me, and the Bottle Make Three”?

[tearfully] The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.

Are you OK?

No.

And the answer to the final question is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, singular.

Big Bad Voodoo Daddies will not be accepted.

Yes!

And that means the winner is O’trivia Newton-John.

[cheering]

[sobbing]

That’s good, Sisters with Not Enough Answers.

It’s OK. It’s just bar trivia.

I’m so stupid.

It’s OK. Here.

Here, drink.

Do they have food here? both: No.

[sobs]

Yes, I fly to Miami next week.

You know, the one thing I do love about getting old: boarding early.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

In the time it takes for them to say,

“Does anyone need any assistance?”

I can go from Usain Bolt to Stephen Hawking.

[laughter]

Oh, shame on all of you, flying commercial when you have the means to fly private.

[laughter]

OK, get this.

We’re having Thanksgiving at my daughter’s this year.

And last night, she called me to give me a heads-up that my 15-year-old granddaughter is bisexual now.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Do they even know what boys and girls are?

She showed me a picture of her boyfriend.

I thought it was my second wife.

[laughter]

You know, I hate that shit.

Then they got the pansexual.

What, they fuck skillets?

Pick a team. Pick a team.

Yes. Yes.

[laughter]

Well, I mean, there are an elite few who are attracted to both genders or all genders.

All genders?

All 15?

Wait, wait, wait.

A-L-L?

Are you doing a bit?

No, no.

I’m just saying you– you can’t say that all bisexuals are faking it.

Oh, come on, Deb, we all know most of the girls are doing it these days ’cause they want a little attention.

OK.

Is this a bit?

No.

You know, for comedians, you’re all… a little out of touch.

Uno.

Excuse me. Nature calls.

[breathing heavily]

[muffled chatter]

[muffled laughter]

So Deborah swings both ways, huh?

Between funny and unfunny.

[laughter]

Maybe she is one of those people.

Yeah, what a buzzkill.

Thanks for inviting the PC police, Henry.

It’s gonna be hard to do a colonoscopy with that stick up her ass.

[laughter]

Shh, shh, shh.

[Aretha Franklin’s “Evil Gal Blues”]

♪ ♪

♪ I’m an evil gal ♪

♪ Don’t you bother with me, no ♪

♪ I said I’m an evil gal ♪

[metallic clanging]

Don’t even think about taking that to your room.

Eat it over the sink like you normally do.

I’m depressed, and I don’t want to talk to you, so I’m leaving.

Well, too bad.

I’m not talking to you either.

You ruined my poop party!

What? What did I do?

Also, why are you housing cheese like a fucking mouse?

It’s binding!

Not for me!

You know, I finally get in good with those guys, and I can’t enjoy it because of you.

You got in my head.

They said some crap about bisexuals, and I couldn’t let it go.

I don’t understand. So you defended me?

Not you.

Other bisexuals.

Alan Cumming and Malcolm X.

You know, I had to say something, and then it got really uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to stay.

And it’s all because of you!

Well, sorry I changed your mind about bisexuals.

I mean, before you, I was perfectly content being a gorgeous Vegas comic, doing my thing, making tons of money.

And then you come along, and you make me want more for myself.

And it’s just fucking annoying!

OK, so you’re mad at me for pushing you to be better?

Yes. No.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

It’s just, a few years ago, I could not have dreamt that I would walk out of a party where Henry Weeks was saying how great I was, and that’s what I did tonight.

And I’m just mad at you!

Well, I’m mad at you. Where are you going?

Ugh.

The bathroom!

Are you–is there a bathroom right there?

[door slams] I’ve been walking

all the way to the east wing this whole time.

Oh, my God.

You know, I’m sorry you had to leave a party.

But I just lost a relationship with someone I love to be here.

And I’m gonna lose all our mutual friends.

And our facialist is for sure gonna choose her ’cause she said Ruby’s face was “less work” on a text that I saw over her shoulder.

[sighs] And that sucks.

And it’s all because I came back here.

[toilet flushes]

Well, you didn’t have to come back!

[water running]

Yes, I did.

Because I wanted to.

I wanted to be here with you ’cause you’re in my head.

Yeah, well, I’m sorry, I guess.

I don’t know what to tell you.

[scoffs] I don’t know either.

All I know is, we better get this thing, ’cause it comes at great personal cost to repair the trauma of your pilot not going during the Carter administration.

That’s not why I want it.

I’ve wanted it since I was a kid.

You have?

Yes.

Well, cool your parents let you stay up that late.

My mom wouldn’t let me watch “Ren & Stimpy” ’cause of all the close-ups of zits.

Yeah, well, you know, my house wasn’t real big on rules.

My dad was a drinker.

The later it got, the worse it got.

Except when Johnny Carson came on.

He was funny enough that he’d distract him, and he’d laugh.

And we’d all laugh.

It was–

I don’t know, it was nice.

So all I ever wanted was to, you know, live in that hour.

You never talk about your parents.

Well, it makes you sound old when you say your parents are dead.

[chuckles]

Why don’t you just come out and say why you want it?

I think if people knew how personal this is for you, that would be really compelling.

Oh, God, no, I can’t even say I want it, let alone all that other stuff.

OK, sure, but I think you can say what you want.

You’ve never played by the rules.

And I don’t think you have the luxury of playing this safe

’cause you’re not the safe choice.

Can’t risk it.

You’re all about risk.

You self-financed your special and sold it on QVC.

That was before.

I’ve got all these eyes on me now.

I’m finally respected, respectable.

If I say I want it and then I don’t get it

for the second time,

then I’ll be a joke again.

And that would just be too much.

Would it?

I mean, who are you worried about being a joke to?

The guys whose respect you wanted most of all,

you just rejected.

Deborah, your superpower is that you’re shameless.

And having shame about the thing

you want most in the world

isn’t you.

You think that’s a terrible idea.

No, the cheese isn’t working.

[laughs]

[upbeat marching band music playing]

♪ ♪

All right, well, next up

is the Sulfur Springs High School marching band.

Careful, kids, those New York City potholes

can be a doozy. [both laugh]

Well, not to steal their thunder, Mario,

but can I make an announcement here on live television?

Thanks.

America, I am ready to be the next woman

on network late night.

That’s right.

I want to be the next host of “The Late Show.”

I may be a woman and I may be a natural blonde, but I am the best person for the job.

I’m funny. I’m vivacious.

And I’m the only person who can get away with asking a man, “Cut or uncut?”

Mario?

Uncut.

Thought so.

OK.

And how about that cymbal section?

[chuckles awkwardly]

Yeah, why don’t we take a quick commercial break?

[Dolly Parton’s “Baby I’m Burnin'”]

Did you see this?

What?

Deborah Vance went rogue on live TV and announced she’s gunning to be the next woman in network late night.

That was bold of her.

I loved it.

Good for her.

I don’t like her for it. Come on.

Joy, you got to get over the beef.

Never.

Oh, my God.

Joy.

What?

You’re unbelievable.

Well, like it or not, she’s on the campaign trail.

So watch out, America. She’s coming for you.

♪ You look at me that way ♪

♪ I know what your eyes say ♪

Temps will fall across Indianapolis late tonight.

Speaking of late night, wouldn’t you like a charming gal like me on your TV set every night to keep you warm and toasty?

Oh, a Deborah burger is very interesting to us.

Yo, can I get a Deborah’s Dunkin’ Midnight Roast?

Welcome to Las Vegas, baby.

Remember, what happens here stays here, unless it’s crabs.

Fuck yes.

Deb’s in. Whoo! Rock and roll!

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

In 20 feet, you will be arriving at your destination.

What a dump!

Rinka turkey nurbler da woo-hoo with a chum-cha!

Ooh be gah! [laughter]

I have been bugging my manager for years.

The only thing I’ve wanted more than late night is to be on “Talk Stoop.”

Right, Cara? [dog barks]

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

[tires screeching]

[phone chiming]

[groans]

[yawns]

OK, hold on.

You got to hear this.

Hi, it’s Winnie.

So this morning, I walked in on my son doing a Deborah Vance makeup tutorial.

She might have wider appeal than I thought.

We should talk. Call me back.

OK!

[all cheering]

Yay! Oh, my God!

God, of course her kid was the key.

Executives love listening to their kids.

I was actually at the sleepover where we decided that Tobey Maguire would be the next Spider-Man.

[laughter]

[all cheering]

Oh, my God!

This is huge.

♪ ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ out of control ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, body and soul ♪

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, you got me on fire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ out of control ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, body and soul ♪

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, you got me on fire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ out of control ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, body and soul ♪

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, you got me on fire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ out of control ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, body and soul ♪

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, you got me on fire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’ out of control ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, body and soul ♪

♪ Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪

♪ Baby, I’m burnin’, you got me on fire ♪