Curb Your Enthusiasm – S12E08 – The Colostomy Bag | Transcript

Richard enlists Larry's help to buy a vintage car. Jeff secretly schemes to give Larry power of attorney.

Original air date: March 24, 2024

Richard enlists Larry’s help to buy a vintage car. Jeff secretly schemes to give Larry power of attorney.

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♪ Yahdatdatdat Datdatdatdat ♪

♪ Yahdatdatdat Datdatdatdat ♪

♪ Yatdatdatdat Datdatdatda ♪

♪ Yahyah, diyah, dada ♪

RODRIGO: Welcome.


♪ Yatdatdatdatdatdatdat ♪

♪ Yatdatdatdat Datdatdatdat ♪

(SLOWS) ♪ Datdatdatdat Datdatdatdatda ♪

♪ Yaah… Ya… ♪

Mr. David, what brings you to Georgia?

LARRY: Well, um, I’m on trial for the horrible crime of… giving a woman who was on line to vote… a bottle of water. (MOCKINGLY) Oh! Oh, what a terrible thing. Oh, what a terrible crime. What… What… What… What… What… What… What a terrible crime to give her a bottle of water.

CHRISTOPHER MANTLE: Okay, Larr Larr. Let’s do it like we’re actually in the trial. Okay? Which means you have to stay silent and only answer the questions.

LARRY: Copy that.

Thank you.

So, Larry, Georgia gets thousands of visitors a year here to experience our beautiful springs, our peach trees. Well, what… What is it that brought you here to Georgia in the first place?

LARRY: I was offered an appearance fee to show up at this party, and I was told to be cordial.


LARRY: And you know what? I was pretty damn cordial. I asked questions to people.


LARRY: “Oh, does your son take piano lessons?”

Larry, just–

LARRY: “Does he practice? It’s hard to get him to practice. They don’t like to practice.”

Larry, try to stay on topic. We don’t care about the… Right? I know. It’s not–

LARRY: I’m just saying how cordial I was. I asked about the son’s piano lessons. What else you got? Huh? I tore him to shreds. I tore him to shreds.

Okay. I think we’re done here today. Jury, thank you so much for coming. Uh, you may exit and deliberate as if this was a real trial. We appreciate your time. And, uh, please fill out the questionnaires. It’ll help us reach a verdict.

LARRY: You know, my father fought in World War II, Iwo Jima. He wasn’t one of the ones with the flag.

CHRISTOPHER: That’s fine. Thank you.

LARRY: He was encouraging the flag holders.

CHRISTOPHER: Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

LARRY: Yelled encouragement. “Go, guys! Go! Up that hill!”

Larry, let’s have a little chat down here really quick.

LARRY: Huh? Well?

How do you feel that went?

LARRY: Frankly, I’m a little concerned about one of the jurors.


LARRY: In the garage, he saw me tossing my keys to the valet.


LARRY: I could be perceived as a big shot. Nobody likes a big shot.

That’s true. They don’t like a big shot.

LARRY: Yeah.

But, uh, I wouldn’t worry about this mock trial for that.

LARRY: Where are you getting these jurors, anyway?

My assistant gathers them from the building.

LARRY: You know what I think?

CHRISTOPHER: What’s that?


LARRY: I think you ought to go in there and get that guy out of there…

CHRISTOPHER: One second.

LARRY: …because he’s gonna poison those people.

I got a great text from Abe.

LARRY: Ah, great. So everything’s worked out?

Yeah, everything’s…

LARRY: Beautiful.

Yeah, everything’s been going great.

LARRY: And what name did you wind up using for the kid?

Why don’t we leave our professional and personal lives separate, you know?

LARRY: Okay.


LARRY: It was Zeckelman, wasn’t it?

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. Yeah, it was Zeckelman.

LARRY: Yeah, that’s what I thought.




LARRY: Um… Did you mind me tossing the keys to you earlier?

Oh, no. No, no, not at all.

LARRY: You like a key toss?


LARRY: It’s human nature. We like to catch.

I mean, that’s what I thought, right?

LARRY: And we like to toss. People like to toss and catch. Right? Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Right. Yeah, yeah.

Your car’s actually out in the front. Do you want me to get it for you?

LARRY: Oh, no, that won’t be necessary. I’m happy to get it.

Well, here you go, sir.

LARRY: Well, thank you, Rodrigo.


LARRY: This is for you.

RODRIGO: Oh, thank you so much.

LARRY: My pleasure.

Thank you.


LARRY: Um, you got the salad, but I have a feeling… you’re gonna be very jealous of this.

Of the sandwich? Yeah.

LARRY: Yes. Well…

I’m not supposed to be eating sandwiches.

LARRY: All right. (SIGHS)

Um, listen.

LARRY: Yeah?

I’m gonna have back surgery.

LARRY: Back surgery?

Back surgery.

LARRY: Really? That bad?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Upper back. Yeah, it’s been… Oh, don’t even get me started.

LARRY: Okay.

Anyhow, I’m gonna have anesthesia, obviously. Three percent chance something’ll happen to me. So… (WHISPERING) Susie has the power of attorney. She’s in charge of all of it. So if something bad happens to me, I don’t trust her.

LARRY: You mean she’ll…

LARRY: …she’ll pull the plug too fast?

Pull the plug? She could do it for any reason. Who knows? Uh, maybe on the way there we get into a fight, which is more than likely.

LARRY: Right.

So I want you in charge.

LARRY: Well… okay.

And I don’t expect you to visit me. I wouldn’t know if you’re there or not. Just come, like, once a week and take a look.

LARRY: I might not even come once a week. I could just call up.

I’m unconscious. What the fuck do I know?

LARRY: How we gonna do this?

We’re gonna go to my attorney, sign some papers, you’re in.

LARRY: Boy. That sounds real risky. What if she finds out we went to this attorney?

Mantle is in the same building as my attorney.

LARRY: My lawyer’s in the same building as this guy?

Yes, indeed.

LARRY: Yeah. We could say we went to mine.

We’ll say we went to Mantle’s.

LARRY: Oh, my God, it’s perfect.

If she finds out, there’s no telling what she could do.

LARRY: Yeah, well, she’s not gonna find out.

Find out what?


Tell her, tell her, tell her.

LARRY: Find out Find out that I…


LARRY: …was found guilty.

In his mock trial.

LARRY: In my mock trial.

Can you believe that?


LARRY: Yeah. One of the jurors–

I like you eating a salad, Jeff.

Thank you.

Very nice.

It’s delicious and I’m enjoying it.

Good. Good for you.

LARRY: One of the mock jurors?


LARRY: Saw me tossing keys to the valet. And I think he got offended by it…

He thought, “Oh, who’s this big shot?”

…and influenced the–

LARRY: Yeah, like I was a big shot.

SUSIE: Yeah.

LARRY: I’m not a big shot. It wasn’t a big shot toss.

Yeah, but you know, Larry, a toss, you could hurt somebody, you could injure them.

LARRY: Hurt somebody? What kind of mutant can’t catch a key?

You better be very careful right now. I mean, that was only a mock trial that you failed. Imagine a real trial. Wanna go to jail in Atlanta, in the South?


They’ll have you on a chain gang.

LARRY: Oh. Hello?


LARRY: Now? Okay. All right, I’ll pick you up.

Who’s that?

LARRY: It’s Lewis. He wants to buy this old Mercedes, and, you know, he lost his sense of smell during COVID, and

SUSIE: Oh, yeah.

LARRY: And, you know, sometimes these old cars, they have a musty odor to ’em.

He wants your nose.

LARRY: Yeah. He wants my nose. Yeah.


LARRY: All right, I’m gonna take off.

Hey, you gonna finish that sandwich?

LARRY: Eh. Take it.

JEFF GREENE: All right. Thank you.

LARRY: Oh, I got this Vonderdonk cheese.

SUSIE: Yeah?

LARRY: I don’t want it sitting in the car. Do you mind if I keep it in your fridge?

No. Go ahead.


Put it in the cheese drawer.

LARRY: Okay. I’ll pick it up later or tomorrow.

SUSIE: Yeah, whatever.

LARRY: All right, see ya.


He sent me a couple of pictures of the car, and it’s just so…

LARRY: Uhhuh.

It’s such a classic and it’s so beautiful, man.


This is a rare gem.

LARRY: You like the old Mercedes.

I don’t know how it’s gonna really smell, so, you know, you’re my nose today.

LARRY: Ah. My nose isn’t so great. Disgusting things I can smell very well. Urine, BO, you know. I don’t know. I mean, I… Urine, I can smell from two blocks away, but you shove a flower up my nose, it does nothing for me. Hey, um… you’re friends with Conan, right?

Yeah, for a long time.

LARRY: ‘Cause I saw him in my neighborhood.

Yeah, well, he moved into that Spanishlooking house, uh, up on the Circle.

LARRY: You know, I wanted to go up and say something to him, but I didn’t want him to think I was, you know, a nut, so…

You need clearance.

LARRY: I need clearance.

You need clearance before you talk to him.

LARRY: Yeah.

Otherwise, you know, my God.

LARRY: Right. Yeah. Could you get me clearance?

I can get you Conan clearance.

LARRY: You’ll get me Conan clearance?

I’ll get you Conan clearance.

LARRY: All right.


LARRY: Great. Thank you.

Right? I mean, come on.


It’s mint condition. 1973.

LARRY: It’s a beauty.

LARRY: I’ve never seen anything like it.

There’s not a scratch on it.

LARRY: It’s really something.


How you feeling in there?

Oh, this is a beauty.


This is really gorgeous, huh, Larry?

LARRY: Uhhuh.

Look how good he looks in this car.

LARRY: Yeah, don’t be too enthusiastic. He’ll boost the price on you.

No. No, no.

I bet that’s true. You think he’s a booster?

LARRY: He could be a booster.

RICHARD LEWIS: I think so.

LARRY: Yeah, he might be a booster.

But it is beautiful.

I do not wanna let this car go. If I wasn’t going through this goddamn divorce…


She’s not getting the car.

What do you think, LD, huh?

How’s it feel? You look great in it. Doesn’t he look great in that?

LARRY: Yeah.

MIKE: It’s got all the original parts.

LARRY: Oh, I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I’m gonna go sit in it.

Yeah, yeah. Try it out yourself. (CHUCKLES) All right, I’ll stop boosting.

Come on. What took you so long?

LARRY: What took me so long?

Yeah, I’m nodding my brains out.

LARRY: No, ’cause your head nod isn’t any good. I didn’t know what you were doing.

What do you mean it’s not any good?

LARRY: You don’t have a good head nod. A head nod, you’re supposed to go like this. Huh. Huh.

Yeah, I did. I went

LARRY: No, no, you didn’t do that. You went like this. Like that.

And you use your eyes too?

LARRY: You use your eyes, yeah. There you go. There you go.

How come now you tell me?

LARRY: Just saying you need to work on your head nod.

All right, so what do you think of the car, man? I love it.


What’s wrong?

LARRY: (CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS) … There’s a smell. … (SNIFFS) It smells like tobacco.

It does?

LARRY: Yeah, like… somebody smoked a lot of Chesterfields in this car.

What do you think? It’s great, right? You loving it? Huh? It’s all vintage.

So, what do you think I should do?

LARRY: You can’t pay full price.

Then I’m gonna ask him for a discount. A smell discount.

LARRY: Yeah. Good.

What’s up, guys? We got a deal?

Hey, listen, man. I don’t think I’m gonna buy the car.

Why not? What? What are you talking about?

He told me it smells in here.

What are you– What happened?

LARRY: You know, he, um… he brought me along ’cause he’s got long COVID and he can’t smell, and you know, old cars, they occasionally have a musty smell, and, you know

This has a good musty smell.

LARRY: There’s good old musty and there’s bad old musty, and this is bad old musty.


No, this is an old car smell. It’s good.

LARRY: I’m sorry, you know.

RICHARD: I don’t buy that, man.

LARRY: I’m sorry. I smell tobacco in there.

Wait, if you can’t smell, what do you care? It’s your car. It’s not his car.

Okay, I can’t smell it, but if there’s a smell, then it’s gonna be a bad thing for anyone who drives in the car with me.

Get one of those, you know, pine, uh, things that–

Forget the pine thing. I’ll buy the car, but I want a 3,000-dollar smell discount.

(SCOFFS) You know what I smell? I smell a scam. You come here. “Oh, he can’t smell…”

LARRY: That’s ridiculous.

“…but I’m gonna tell him, ‘Oh, yeah, smells like cigarettes.’ Why don’t you knock off 3,000?”

LARRY: Come– That’s ridiculous.

I don’t think so.

LARRY: There’s no scam.

I don’t think so.

LARRY: It wasn’t planned, believe me.

Oh, come on. I’m not taking 3,000 dollars off this car. No. I offered a fair price, and if you don’t want the car for that price, then forget it. Okay?

LARRY: Want it?

No, I don’t.

LARRY: All right.

Unbelievable. What a shit day this has been, man.

LARRY: Yeah.

Thanks a lot, Larry.

LARRY: Hey, things could be worse. You could have a colostomy bag.


RICHARD: Kiss that car goodbye, huh?


LARRY: Hey, do you know if DiCarlo has a colostomy bag?

What? What are you smoking? What kind of question is that?

LARRY: Yeah, because I made a bad joke, and I think I… I think I struck a nerve. I’ll ask Jeff. Maybe he’ll find out for me.

RICHARD: Yeah, I can’t wait to hear the answer.

LARRY: I hope we don’t run into Mantle.

We’ll be fine.

LARRY: Yeah.

Hello, gentlemen. Good afternoon. How are we doing? Oh.

LARRY: Uh, I’ll meet you by the elevator.

JEFF: All right.

Mr. David. How are you?

LARRY: Good. Ah!

Good to see you.


Thank you.

LARRY: Okay.


LARRY: Oh, you’re a valet.

Yes, I am.

LARRY: You didn’t like it when you saw me toss the keys to Rodrigo, did you?

I don’t wanna get into this. I’m trying to work.

LARRY: I saw you look askance, though, when you saw it.

Okay, I thought it was kind of a big shot move.

LARRY: Rodrigo likes to catch.

I doubt that. It’s a safety hazard. You could’ve You could’ve hit his eye.

LARRY: Did you influence the other jurors against me? Huh?

There are two people in the valet world, sir. Handers and tossers. And you’re a tosser.

LARRY: Okay, Victor, I’ll be back in half an hour. I gotta go sign some papers so I can kill my friend whenever I want to. And when I come back, I’d appreciate it if you’d toss me my keys, and I’ll hand you your tip.

Great, I’ll keep it close.


If you’ll just sign right there, sir.

LARRY: Right there?


LARRY: I really like this pen.

LAWYER: Thank you.

LARRY: This is a fantastic pen.

It… It is.

LARRY: No, but I… I really like it.

These pens are– They sign really nicely. If you’ll just place one more signature right there.

LARRY: I mean, it’s a great pen. Where do I get a pen like this?

I’m sure you can get that at any major department store.

LARRY: You must have a lot of ’em though, no?

Yeah, we do have a lot.

LARRY: Hmm. Okay.

So congratulations, you now have medical power of attorney, that is the power to pull the plug.

LARRY: Oh! You’re a dead man.


LARRY: Pull that plug! Pull it! (LAUGHS) Pull that plug, nurse!

Okay, if I may just have that pen back.

LARRY: Yeah, sure.

Thank you. All righty. Well, we’ll have the copy sent to you very soon.

LARRY: Okay.

LAWYER: Thank you. Take care.


LARRY: Could you believe he didn’t give me that pen?

I was shocked.

LARRY: That was unbelievable. He resisted the “I like it” gambit.

Yeah. Oh.


Oh! DiCarlo had stomach surgery a few months ago.

LARRY: (GROANING) Oy, oy… He’s got a bag. He’s got the bag. Unbelievable. I… I don’t know. I don’t know. What am I gonna do now? What do I do?

Truly, I have no idea.

LARRY: What can I do for this guy? Can I buy him a new bag? Like a really expensive colostomy– Like a Louis Vuitton colostomy bag? Do they sell those? Do they make those?

I don’t know.

LARRY: Do they make those?



LARRY: What do you think of my zipper like this? Do you like this look?

That’s ridiculous looking.

LARRY: I kind of like it.

I don’t like it at all.

LARRY: Look, it’s two zippers. You see?

No, no, but keep the one down and play with the top one.

LARRY: Yeah.

Where you guys been?


LARRY: We went to, uh, Mantle’s office.

We went to Mantle’s office.

The lawyer. Yeah.

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know.

We went to Mantle’s.

LARRY: Some stuff to sign.

So, everything go okay there?

LARRY: Yeah, yeah, you know, signed some stuff, and…

Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, it went okay ’cause I was there for a few moments that he needed me.

SUSIE: Oh, you saved the day, Jeffrey, didn’t you? This has nothing to do with his career. You’re his manager.

JEFF: However–

LARRY: Yeah, but I value his opinion.


LARRY: Yeah.

JEFF: At least somebody does.

You two are something. You’re Frick and Frack, attached at the hip.

LARRY: Frick and Frack, the ice skating team…


LARRY: …from the ’30s. A lot of people don’t know that.


I think they’re Swiss.

LARRY: Oh, yeah, Swiss.

What, is there a difference?

So, you need him? He doesn’t know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland.

LARRY: He knows the difference. He got confused.

SUSIE: All right.

I gotta pee.

SUSIE: Enjoy yourself.

LARRY: Okay, Frick. Yeah.


LARRY: You underestimate his intelligence, you know?


LARRY: But he’s a little smarter than you give him credit for.

I think he’s smart. I don’t think he’s dumb.

LARRY: No, let’s not go overboard. He’s smarter than you think he is. He’s not really smart though, you know.

Ah, he’s no genius. What are you looking for?

LARRY: I’m looking for the cheese.

Oh, it’s gone.

LARRY: What?

I ate it.

LARRY: You ate the Vonderdonk?


LARRY: What do you mean? Why’d you eat it? It’s not your cheese.

Because it’s delicious.

LARRY: It’s not your cheese! It’s my cheese.

Well, you left it here for a day.

LARRY: I left it here to pick up. I told you I was gonna pick it up later or tomorrow. This is tomorrow.

It was in my refrigerator, and I believe possession is ninetenths of the law.

LARRY: What’s the other tenth? Fucking over your friends and eating their cheese?

Yeah, yeah, I just–

LARRY: Is that the other tenth of the law, huh?


LARRY: Let me ask you a question. If I took a nap on your couch, could you go through my pockets and roll me over like a drunk?

You make such a big megillah over nothing.

LARRY: It’s not over nothing. I went all the way to Beverly Hills to pick up that cheese!

Oh, Jeff, he’s complaining that the Vonderdonk is gone.

Good cheese.


LARRY: You had it too?

Uh, it was in a sandwich.

Yeah, a melt. I made him a melt.

LARRY: Who are you people?

You know, I think it’s time for you to leave.

LARRY: Yeah, you know what? I think you’re right. I think you’re right. Oh, yes. Yeah.

SUSIE: You’re taking my pomegranate juice?

LARRY: Yeah. I’m taking it. I’m taking it. It’s mine. I got the pomegranate juice, and I’m possessing it! It’s ninetenths of the fucking law!


LARRY: Oh! Hey, Conan!


LARRY: Hey. Uh, Larry David.

I know, Larry. Yeah. Yeah.

LARRY: Uh… Did Lewis, uh, talk to you?

No, I didn’t hear from Lewis.

LARRY: What? Well…

I… I didn’t… Never heard from Lewis, so…

LARRY: (SIGHS) Unbelievable. I specifically called him up and asked if he could get me clearance.

He didn’t call me, so… technically, this is a uncleared conversation. It’s like an ambush.

LARRY: I don’t know what to say. I’m very embarrassed.


LARRY: I’m a little mortified, frankly.

Why would you go up to someone if you hadn’t gotten the okay from Lewis?

LARRY: Because I just assumed that Lewis was gonna get the clearance

CONAN: You don’t assume stuff like that. “Oh, I assume this boat has plenty of life preservers for everyone. Oh, no, it’s the Titanic, it doesn’t.”

LARRY: This will go a lot better once I get some clearance, I think.

CONAN: Well–

LARRY: Will you think about the clearance?

Sure. Yeah, I’ll think about it.

LARRY: Ah. You’re not gonna think about it. (CHUCKLES) That’s just something people say…

You know.

LARRY: …when they wanna say no, and they let the person down a little easier.

CONAN: It’s true.

LARRY: They say they’re gonna think about it.

I don’t know how many times I say, “Yeah, I’ll think about it,” and I just wanna get out of that situation with the person, yeah.

LARRY: But you won’t spend one second thinking about it.

Yeah, no. The minute I’m gone, I’ll never think about it again.

LARRY: Totally, totally.

That’s a great observation.

LARRY: You see, if I had clearance…

CONAN: Yeah.

LARRY: …these are the kind of observations you’d be hearing all the time.

(SIGHS) You should talk to Lewis. All right?

LARRY: Yeah, yeah.

CONAN: We good?

LARRY: Yeah. Well, look, you got one of those, uh, firehouse dogs, huh?

He’s never been in a firehouse. It’s a stereotype.

LARRY: Can you stereotype a dog?

Yes, you can stereotype a dog. “Oh, that’s a golden. He must be a really friendly dog.” “Oh, there’s a Dalmatian. He must live in a firehouse. He goes to fires.” This is the kind of conversation I’m trying to avoid. There’s a reason this protocol’s been around since early sound days, 1932, ’33.

LARRY: I read an article about somebody approaching Fatty Arbuckle without clearance, and Fatty Arbuckle just broke a beer bottle over his head.

Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve heard a Fatty Arbuckle reference. What, did you just come from Margaret Dumont’s house?

LARRY: Okay.


LARRY: Lewis. I thought I had the clearance. I’ll

There’s a system, and we have a system for a reason.

LARRY: I’ll go through the system.

CONAN: Yeah. Okay.


Call Lewis!

LARRY: Yeah!


LARRY: You know, anyway, I just wanna apologize for the other day and what I said, and things just fly out of my mouth without thinking. I’ve done it my whole life.

You say a lot of stupid things, Larry.

LARRY: Not all jokes work.

Not a joke to me. I’ve been going through some rough times lately. You know, you know about my fucking divorce.

LARRY: Yeah.

And all the theaters I owned, they’re going under. I mean…


Nobody’s coming back to the theaters.

LARRY: It’s terrible, yeah.

And then health issues, and I’m… I don’t know, I’m just… I’m hanging on by a thread, is what I’m saying.

And then–

LARRY: Okay, you know what? You know what? I’m gonna buy the car. I’m gonna buy it. I’m buying the car.

Larry, you don’t want this car.

LARRY: No. I want the car.

Come on.

LARRY: I’m gonna buy the car.

You wanna buy this car?

LARRY: I’m gonna buy it. Yeah. I’m buying the car.

At the price that I gave to Richard? The full price?

LARRY: Yeah, yeah.

MIKE: Yeah?

LARRY: Yeah, the full price. You know… (SIGHS) So I drive around, there’s an odor in the car. That’s nothing compared to what you’re going through.

I know what you’re talking about, the smell, but it’s a smell that you learn to live with.

LARRY: Yeah, well, if you can learn to live with what you’re living with, uh, you know, I could… I could live with that, you know?

Yeah, well, we all got a lot of baggage.

LARRY: Yeah.

All right. Hey! Here is your key. You can Venmo me the money, all right? You can drive it out of here. Get right in. You’re gonna love it.

LARRY: Okay. Uh… hey, could you do me a favor and follow me home in my car, and I’ll pay for your Uber back?

I’d rather not.

LARRY: Interesting. Okay.

LARRY: Yeah. Okay. You’d rather not. (CHUCKLES) You’d rather not. I’ll come back and pick it up.

That’s a good idea.


All good?

LARRY: Yeah, yeah. Good.


When you’re at a red light, just keep your foot on the gas. Oh, and that seat belt. Yeah, you’re gonna have to get that fixed.

LARRY: It’s against the law.

Not in 1973.


LARRY: Yeah. This is it.

All right.

LARRY: Love that Vonderdonk.

Oh, good stuff.


Look at the front. Very presidential. Look at that. Look at that grill.

LARRY: Go ahead. Sit in it.

LEON BLACK: (CHUCKLES) Let me see how it feels. Ah. Okay. This is a White man car right here, I’ll tell you that much. Who’d you get it from, Mr. Peanut? The motherfucker with the monocle and a top hat? Huh?


(SNIFFS) You’re right though. There is a fucking funky smell in here.

LARRY: Right?

Like someone’s been smoking for years in this bitch. Yeah, it’s like… (SNIFFS)

LARRY: Yeah, I know. That’s all I smell.


Come over here.

LARRY: Oh, great.

Hey, did Marilyn Monroe fuck JFK in a car like this?

Come here, you bastard.

LARRY: What?

You son of a bitch.

LARRY: What? Okay. Can I–

You son of a bitch. That’s my car.

LARRY: Can Let me explain.

That’s my car.

LARRY: Let me explain, okay? The guy actually has a colostomy bag, and I felt terrible.

Oh. Come on. Please.

LARRY: I felt so guilty and awful, I had to buy the car.

I’m getting my car back. This horse shit story is– It means nothing to me. I don’t know if it’s even true.

LARRY: Let me ask you this question. Why didn’t I get clearance for Conan? Where was my Conan clearance? I thought you talked to him. I had no clearance. You left me hanging there like an idiot.

I just want that car. You owe it to me.

LARRY: You wanna buy the car? You can buy the car back off me.

Yeah, but hold on a second, I want the car, but I want 3,000-dollar smell discount.

LARRY: I paid full price. I didn’t get a smell discount.

I mean, there’s still an odor in the car, isn’t there, Mr. David?

LARRY: You’re never gonna smell it. You got long COVID. You’re not smelling, you’re not tasting.

But I’m making improvements in all those areas.

LARRY: You’ll improve your smell?

Yeah, I might get surgery.

LARRY: You can’t get surgery for smell.

Yes, you can.

LARRY: They got smell surgery?

There’s a smell clinic, but it’s in Switzerland. I’m not sure if I’m gonna go. But the point is, I want the 3,000-dollar discount, and I want my car, and that’s the end of it.

LARRY: Okay, fine, but you gotta drive me to DiCarlo’s house to pick up my car.

Okay, we’re gonna go in my little new beauty over there, okay, babe?

LARRY: Did you babe me?

RICHARD: I babed you.

LARRY: Don’t babe me. Do not, under any circumstances, babe me ever, ever.

You think I feel good about it? It slipped out. I’ll Venmo you the money.


LARRY: Hey, I’m just gonna use the charging station.

AL: Yeah, you’re good.

AL: How you doing?

LARRY: Toss?

Yeah, come on.

LARRY: I don’t wanna be a big shot.

You’re not a big shot. Come on, toss it.

LARRY: All right.

Awesome. There we go.

LARRY: Fun, right?

AL: It’s fun!

LARRY: Of course!

He’s a tosser.

CHRISTOPHER: All right, so, Larry, I’m going through these jury questionnaires, and, uh, they keep saying, “Less than cordial.” Um, the word “repugnant” keeps coming up. Here’s one that says you’re “surly,” “petty.” I think we have to maybe… We have stuff to work on.

LARRY: Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking.

You know?

LARRY: I told you that juror, Vic, didn’t like the key toss. I told you that?

Yeah, yeah.

LARRY: He could’ve influenced all those jurors.

I don’t know that one person like that can influence all the other jurors.

LARRY: You ever see 12 Angry Men?


LARRY: Well, one person, Henry Fonda, influenced the whole jury.

First of all, this isn’t 12 Angry Men. There’s one angry man. He’s sitting across from me.

LARRY: That valet, he didn’t like a catch, which I don’t understand, frankly. Everybody loves a catch.

I like a catch if it’s fun.

LARRY: Of course.


LARRY: Catching is fun.

I know, but not if it’s a surprise! It could hit me in the face!

LARRY: It wasn’t a surprise catch! That’s part of the job! You’re a valet, you toss, you catch, you toss!

No, the part of the job of being a valet is taking keys, not having keys thrown at you all day long. Look, Larry, can’t you see that there’s a pattern here? You’re rubbing people the wrong way. Don’t you see that? Susie, for example, just told me the thing about the cheese.


You left cheese there and you’re upset that she ate it? What is that about?

LARRY: You just said it.

I know, but–

LARRY: I left cheese in her house.


LARRY: Vonderdonk cheese, by the way.


LARRY: And she ate it.

Possession is ninetenths of the law. If you leave it there, it’s hers.

LARRY: Oh, possession! That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard, possession.

Why? Why?

LARRY: What does that even mean? She took my fucking cheese. That’s what means something.

But you left it there, so now it’s Susie’s cheese.

LARRY: I can’t believe that you’re defending the cheese eater.

You have an issue with keys and cheese.

LARRY: You know what else I have an issue with?

CHRISTOPHER: What’s that?

LARRY: You. I want a lawyer who sides with me in the cheese dispute.

I’m not here to defend cheese. I’m here to defend a constitutional issue.

LARRY: I’m gonna find me a lawyer who’s gonna take my cheese side. … Hey.


LARRY: Catch.


LARRY: Ziggy Zeckelman! Not too late!


AL: Oh, there he is.



LARRY: Huh? That was fun.

It’s fun.

LARRY: For you.

There you go. Thank you.



LARRY: Oh, God, Susie. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh. What the… (GASPS) It was you! You pulled the plug? My car’s dying!


LARRY: What an asshole!

Hey, you tossed, you lost, buddy.



LARRY: Oh, my God!



LARRY: Jeff! Jeff, call me! Jeff, pick up! Jeff! Shit. Oh, my God. Oh, no.







LARRY: Hey! Hey! Conan! Conan!


LARRY: Conan!


LARRY: I know, I don’t have clearance. No clearance. I have no clearance. My car, the battery died. My car

This is my house.

LARRY: No. Oh, I understand. My car broke down. It’s an emergency.

This is completely unauthorized.

LARRY: Yeah, can’t I get an emergency clearance exemption?

There’s no such thing!

LARRY: You can– You– You can make–

You gotta go through the levels!

LARRY: I can’t! It’s an emergency! Can I borrow your car? If I don’t get to Jeff’s house, she’s gonna see those papers, and she’s gonna kill us. You don’t know what this woman’s capable of.

All right, I don’t know who these people are. I’ll get you the keys. You can use the car. All right? Yeah.

LARRY: What? Oh! Oh!

You got something on your glasses.

LARRY: Oh. Oh, thank you! That’s so nice of you.


LARRY: Thank you.

They’re in my pocket.

LARRY: Ah! My eye! Why’d you toss? Who told you to toss? (GROANS)

It’s fun.

LARRY: Oh, my God! (SCREAMS)


We’re done here.




LARRY: So, it turns out DiCarlo did not have a colostomy bag. He acted like he had a bag.

How does somebody act like they have a colostomy bag?

LARRY: (OVER PHONE) He had this hangdog “I shit in a bag” look about him, and he took me to the cleaners. How’s, uh, how’s the car?

RICHARD: It’s a beauty on the inside and out. And it makes me so happy that I saved money.


And I’m picking up a beautiful girl who’s really smart and

LARRY: Oh, what, you got a date tonight?

RICHARD: She’s hip. She laughs at my jokes. You know? I mean, she could be the one.

LARRY: It’s hard to believe that at your advanced age, you are still throwing around terms like “the one.”

What, am I supposed to just give up and crawl under a rock?

LARRY: Yes! Give up. There’s no hope.

Larry, this is my first date with this woman. I have such a crush on her, and I think she’s gonna fall desperately in love with me.

LARRY: Which asylum are you driving to? The one in Long Beach or downtown?



LARRY: What the hell? Where the hell’s the cheese?





RICHARD: Hiya, beautiful. Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Thanks for coming out tonight–



Oh, God! It fucking stinks in here.

What? What are you talking about?


It doesn’t stink in here. What are you ta– Hey, where you going?


Hey, what’s wrong?

Oh, man!

RICHARD: Hey! Come on back!


Jesus! What the… What the fuck, man? (SNIFFS) Oh, Christ. (SNIFFS)




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