Original air date: March 17, 2024
An acquaintance from the club asks too much of Larry. Jeff & Freddy both use Larry’s tactics to get out of unwanted obligations.
* * *
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
LARRY: Huh? Hello?
GINA GROSSBARD: Larry, it’s Gina Grossbard. Stu had a stroke.
LARRY: Who?
GINA: Stu Grossbard. From the club.
LARRY: What?
GINA: I thought you’d want to know.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Why the fuck’d she call me? (SCOFFS)
LARRY: Yeah, it’s like at three o’clock in the morning. I don’t even know the guy hardly. It’s ridiculous.
So crazy. It’s nuts.
LARRY: What am I doing on that list of middle-of-the-night calls? I don’t understand it.
Better you than me. That’s insane.
LARRY: The worst part?
FREDDY FUNKHOUSER: Yeah?
LARRY: Now I’m on a text chain with his wife and the family.
Those chains. I’ve been on ’em. They’re the worst thing ever.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(SCOFFS)
LARRY: Wait a second. I bet this is another one. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The chain? That’s crazy.
LARRY: It’s-(CHUCKLES) It’s the chain. “Hope you’re feeling better today. My niece just drew this for Stu.”
FREDDY: Yeah.
LARRY: Look. Look. Look at the picture.
You gotta heart that. Just heart it.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
LARRY: Oh, another one. Holy cow.
It’s a nuisance.
It’s never gonna stop.
LARRY: And I can’t just drop out, they’ll see I left. Listen to this. “My family and I are here whenever anyone needs anything. Martha’s beef stew is absolute perfection and really heals all wounds.”
It’s really, honestly, like, the lowest form of human communication.
LARRY: Hey, guess what? I got a date tonight.
Wow.
LARRY: With an artist.
Really?
LARRY: Yeah. She’s painting me as part of a series of old Jewish comedians called Wisenheimers.
I think Richard sat for that.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Yeah, he said she was cute. He asked her out, but he said it didn’t go anywhere.
LARRY: Oh, well, you know.
Maybe he should’ve…
Some of us have it.
…gone to Atlanta and given some water to someone in the voting line, maybe. Huh?
LARRY: Perhaps he should’ve given some water.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Dig this. Susie has got a textile convention in North Carolina, and she wants me to go with her.
LARRY: What?
Yep. What’s a textile convention?
LARRY: You’re not going to that. That’s ridiculous.
No, she already bought tickets.
LARRY: What?
And dig this. Because it’s last minute, middle fucking seats.
LARRY: Oh, you can’t go.
JEFF GREENE: How am I gonna get out?
Guys, can I do this here?
LARRY: Oh, so sorry.
Ugh. The whole day.
JEFF: Eh.
You’re not having the greatest game.
No.
LARRY: All right, I’m gonna give you that. Pick it up.
No cigar.
She’s insane.
LARRY: No, you gotta get out of that thing. What? What the hell?
The fuck’s he doing?
LARRY: What?
Are you drinking?
LARRY: What is that?
Just a little swing juice.
Swing juice?
FREDDY: Yeah.
LARRY: What’s in it?
I go with iced tea and a little bit of just vodka.
LARRY: You look like a derelict with that thing.
You mean a gentleman. Here’s looking up your address.
That’s bizarre. (SNIFFS)
LARRY: Hey, you know what? I think I got a way to get out of this trip for you.
How? Yeah.
LARRY: You have this dream, okay? And it’s like a nightmare about the plane. And in the dream, you’re thinking, “Oh, I’m on a-the middle seat. Can’t breathe. It’s too tight. No room.” She’ll wake up, and you’ll tell her what the dream’s about, and she’ll be very concerned about you, and she’ll say, “Eh, okay, don’t go.”
I like it. That’s good.
LARRY: Huh? Is that good?
That’s pretty great. Yeah.
LARRY: It’s a dream scheme. Let– Let’s see you do it.
All right. Uh…
(MOANS)
(WHIMPERS)
(LAUGHS)
Middle seat! Can’t breathe. Oh, they’re squeezing me!
LARRY: Wake up! Wake up!
(SCREAMING)
LARRY: Wake up! Jeffrey, wake up! Wake up!
What? What? Oh.
LARRY: You were having a bad dream. What’s going on?
I was having a panic attack. I…
LARRY: (IMITATES SUSIE GREENE) You’re not going on the trip. I’m gonna go. You stay home. Do you like that?
I love it.
LARRY: It’s worth a shot.
It’s worth a shot.
LARRY: All right. Pretty good so far, huh?
RENEE HOLCOMB: So far.
LARRY: You wanna be on my talk show?
Of course.
LARRY: All right, we’re back.
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: Our next guest is a young artist from Los Angeles. Her name’s Renee Holcomb. Please give her a nice round of applause. Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: Renee, welcome.
Thank you.
LARRY: I understand you have an art show coming up soon.
I do. It’s my Wisenheimer series.
LARRY: Now, did you paint Larry David?
RENEE: I did. I did.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) I heard he’s just an incredible person.
And an incredible face. You know? It’s Picasso-esque. You know, a little asymmetrical.
LARRY: Asymmetrical?
Well, you know, just slightly.
LARRY: All right. Thank you for being on our show tonight.
(RENEE LAUGHS)
LARRY: And our next guest…
Okay, I’ve got the key lime pie and the herbal tea.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
LARRY: Well, thanks for being on my show.
It’s a pleasure. Mm.
Mm. Hold on.
LARRY: No good?
Oh, God. Mm. Mm-mm.
LARRY: Let me taste it.
What do you think?
LARRY: Ugh! Ugh!
Yeah. Right?
LARRY: Oh, it’s disgusting. Excuse me.
It’s terrible. Tart.
Hi. Yeah.
LARRY: I’m sorry to bother you.
This pie.
You don’t like it?
It’s really awful. Yeah.
Oh. It really–
LARRY: Inedible. Really.
It looked like you were both enjoying it.
The grimace looked like we were enjoying it?
I’m gonna get this off the bill for you.
LARRY: Thank you.
Perfect. Thank you.
Everything else has been lovely.
LARRY: Looked like we were enjoying it?
I’ll show you what it looks like when I enjoy something.
LARRY: What do you wanna do after this, by the way?
(LAUGHS)
MANAGER: Hi, there.
Oh.
RENEE: Hi.
Oh, hello.
This is yours, correct?
RENEE: It is.
Well, unfortunately, a little bad news. I’m not gonna be able to take this off of your bill tonight.
Why?
It’s halfway gone.
You guys ate a lot of pie.
LARRY: Is this a joke?
It’s not a joke. What you ate went past the threshold of returnability.
Okay, I took a robust bite initially because it’s dessert. Then I took a tentative bite to confirm that it was gross, and then he took a bite.
LARRY: Three bites.
She took one bite. She said, “This tastes awful.” A second bite, “Yes, it is awful.” And you take a large bite at that point? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense.
LARRY: You have to take a large bite. How else do you confirm? You can’t confirm on a small bite.
RENEE: Right.
LARRY: You don’t get enough taste.
That’s three huge bites.
LARRY: You know what? Charge me double for it.
I don’t need to.
LARRY: She’s an artist. She’s a libertine. We’re going back to my house. We’re gonna have sex. We’re gonna forget about this horrible experience.
Exactly.
LARRY: Okay?
We’re gonna have great sex.
LARRY: So there. Yeah.
You two are gonna have sex?
Yes.
LARRY: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
No. No problem.
LARRY: Let me ask you a question. Who made this pie?
Chef made the pie.
LARRY: No wonder.
No wonder?
LARRY: No wonder.
Hmm.
Would you like me to go grab Chef, and you can give him your thoughts?
LARRY: Yeah, go get Chef. You think I’m afraid of Chef?
I don’t know if you are, but I think you should be.
LARRY: Oh. Oh, I’m so scared of Chef.
Yeah, get Chef. We don’t care.
I think when you meet Chef, you’re gonna change your tune a little bit.
LARRY: Oh, you think so? You think so?
Yeah.
BOTH: Go get Chef. Go get Chef.
MANAGER: You’re gonna regret this choice. I’m the nice one of the two of us.
LARRY: Okay. Yeah, get-Oh, get Chef.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Let’s get the fuck out of here.
How’d you sleep?
LARRY: Not good.
Really?
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Why? Oh, yeah. New person.
LARRY: Yeah.
Mm-hmm. It’s weird.
LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.
Well, aside from the insomnia, everything else was amazing.
LARRY: Really?
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: Huh. Are you suggesting an encore?
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right there. Right there. (LAUGHS) Yes!
LARRY: Huh? Oh. Huh? Huh?
Huh?
RENEE: (SIGHS) Uh-huh.
(SCREAMS)
(SHRIEKS)
DAHLIA: What? (SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS) No, no.
(LARRY STAMMERS)
(SCREAMS)
(SHRIEKS)
LARRY: What the hell?
Larry, who the fuck is that?
LARRY: It’s the housekeeper!
Why didn’t she knock?
LARRY: She’s not supposed to be here! It’s her day off!
She should’ve knocked.
LARRY: She should’ve knocked! You knock! You knock! Hey, you always knock!
You always knock. It’s true. Ah, she seems freaked out.
LARRY: Oh, yeah? What gave you that impression?
I mean, I don’t get it. It’s not like you don’t have one of your own. It’s–
LARRY: Think I better go talk to her.
I’m gonna get dressed. Call me later. Let me know how it goes.
LARRY: Oh, I can’t wait for this.
(RENEE LAUGHING)
It was great, until it wasn’t.
LARRY: If I don’t see you, goodbye.
(CHUCKLES) Goodbye, Larry.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: (GROANS) Hey. (SIGHS) Um… I thought-I thought it was your day off.
No, it wasn’t.
LARRY: Anyway, uh, I-I know what you saw, and, uh… You know, I don’t know the nature of your experiences, but, uh, a lot of women seem to find pleasure in that. (CHUCKLES) You know, go figure. I don’t know. I didn’t wanna do it. I-She asked me. Oh, she practically begged me. “Oh, I want-I like this, I like this, I like this, I like this, I like this.” What am I supposed to do? I didn’t wanna be rude. You know, I’m a gentleman. It’s a chivalrous thing to do. You know, it’s like a gentleman holds the door open for women, a gentleman puts the toilet seat down, and a gentleman, eh… (GROANS)
(GROANS)
(BOTH GROANING)
Whoo! Dahlia! (CHUCKLES) What’s going down, girl?
Um, I gotta work. Bye.
What’s wrong with her?
LARRY: Incident.
Incident?
LARRY: Come out.
(SIGHS) You got her pregnant?
LARRY: No. No. It’s not that.
Give it to me.
LARRY: Well, Renee, the artist I was telling you about.
LEON BLACK: Okay. Mm-hmm.
LARRY: Yeah, we were upstairs. Dahlia walked in on us when I was downtown.
Oh. And yo ass–
LARRY: Yeah, she didn’t take it well.
What the fuck you doing downtown? You don’t need to be downtown.
LARRY: Yeah.
Downtown is fucking dangerous, you understand?
LARRY: Mm.
You more of an uptown person.
LARRY: Don’t get me wrong, I love it uptown, but I will venture downtown, you know, on occasion. What about you? Are you a downtown guy?
Yeah, I’m good. I can fuck around and do a TED Talk to that shit. I’ll have a pussy TED Talk. Get all the guys in one room, get a little microphone, get a little laser pointer and shit. Like, “This is a pussy. See?”
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, I’m good at that shit. I go through all the fucking zones.
LARRY: Uh-huh.
All the eromenous zones.
LARRY: Yeah. Erogenous.
Eronenous zones.
LARRY: Erogenous.
Erotenous.
LARRY: Erogenous zones, yeah.
Erogenous zones. I know all the fucking zones and shit. Gotta know where to lick at and where to tickle.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
LARRY: No caller ID.
Hate that shit. Hey, do you.
LARRY: Hello.
GINA: Larry, it’s Gina.
LARRY: Who?
GINA: Stu’s wife.
He had a stroke.
LARRY: Oh! Yeah, right, right. How’s he doing?
GINA: Not great, Larry. Touch and go. I’d love to have lunch with you tomorrow.
LARRY: Lunch?
GINA: There’s something very important I need to talk to you about.
LARRY: Me?
GINA: Yes. Thank you so much, Larry. I’ll send you the information. You’re on the text chain, right?
LARRY: Oh, yeah, yeah, the text chain.
GINA: That text chain is a blessing. I’m so glad you’re on it.
LARRY: Yeah, I read that quote about resilience that your cousin sent. It was very moving.
GINA: I’ll see you tomorrow.
LARRY: All right.
♪ (DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: (SIGHS)
(MOANS) Claustrophobic. The middle seat. No room. No room! Ah! I can’t breathe. Middle seat! Can’t breathe!
(WHIMPERING)
Hey, Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
Get me out of the middle! Get me out!
SUSIE GREENE: Jeff, wake up!
(SCREAMS)
Wake up! You were having a nightmare. I think it was about the flight.
(PANTS)
You’re really bent out of shape about this flying to Raleigh, huh?
I guess I am. I–
SUSIE: Yeah. You know what, honey? If you’re so worked up about this that you’re having nightmares, it’s a sign you should not come.
You really think so?
Yeah, I really think so. Take a deep breath and get some sleep, okay?
Yeah.
I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Busy day with the Caftans.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
GINA: I just saw Stu at the hospital, and I’m very worried. I mean, how could Stu have a stroke, of all people? You know Stu. You know Stu, Larry.
LARRY: You know, I… (CHUCKLES) …I really don’t know him.
Oh, Larry. You mean the world to him.
LARRY: I can’t possibly mean anything to him. I’ve never even had lunch with the guy.
But let me tell you, I blame Susie Greene for this situation.
LARRY: Susie Greene?
GINA: Oh, yeah. The other day, she brought over this massive tub of foie gras, but she knows I’m dieting and watching my weight. What a bitch.
LARRY: She brought it over just so you’d eat it and get fat?
Here’s the thing. Stu ate the entire tub himself.
LARRY: It seems like he was trying to fill a hole somehow.
Everybody has an Achilles’ heel.
LARRY: An entire tub sounds like an Achilles’ foot.
Well, anyway, let me talk to you about why I wanted to meet today.
LARRY: Mm-hmm.
In case Stu doesn’t make it, he has some requests.
LARRY: What do you mean, “requests”?
He wants you to keep an eye on Olivia.
LARRY: Who?
Our 11-year-old daughter.
LARRY: (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) Me, keep an eye on your 11-year-old daughter? You gotta be kidding. I don’t know anything about children.
Who better to step up at this time than you, Larry?
LARRY: Anybody in the world. Go out in the stre– A homeless person would do a better job than me.
I’m telling you what he told me.
LARRY: Well, this is crazy. I don’t like children. I’ve never spoken to a child…
Oh!
LARRY: …without contempt in my voice in my life! So, are you sure?
It’s Stu’s wish.
LARRY: Is this a financial thing?
No, it’s soccer, homework, boy stuff. You know, Olivia this week said she’s now identifying as a cat, and I’m sure you could really help her with that, Larry.
LARRY: Well… Like what? Buy her a litter box? I mean, what am I supposed to do?
I think you underestimate yourself.
LARRY: Did anybody else get any requests?
GINA: Well, he wants Freddy Funkhouser to take care of his antique violin.
LARRY: What?
And to sell it. It was once played by Jascha Heifetz at Carnegie Hall.
LARRY: Are you kidding? Freddy Funkhouser gets to sell a violin, and I get to take care of Catwoman? Why didn’t I get the violin?
Oh, they’re early! Hi, sweetie. Aw. How did it go today?
OLIVIA GROSSBARD: Hi.
It was okay today. We were a cat, so lots of scratches, but she didn’t break the skin.
GINA: Good.
LARRY: Uh-huh.
Olivia, I want you to meet Larry.
LARRY: Hey! Yeah. (STAMMERS) Hello, pussycat. Ooh! Hello.
And this is Katie, our nanny.
LARRY: Uh-huh. Hey. Hmm.
Hi.
LARRY: Do you like hockey?
No.
LARRY: Do you think Puerto Rico should become a state?
Who cares?
LARRY: Have you ever tasted a beer?
Gross. I like your sweatshirt.
LARRY: Really? Yes, I like it too.
Yeah, but there’s something on the string.
LARRY: Hey! What are you doing?
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: What was that? What’d you do that for?
‘Cause cats like string.
It’s okay. You’ll just wear it without the string.
LARRY: You can’t wear a sweatshirt without the string. You ruined my sweatshirt, Mittens.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: Oh, come on. This is impossible. It’s impossible.
Yeah. That shit’s hard.
LARRY: It’s like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.
But dumb motherfuckers try to put the shit back in the same little hole you squeeze it out of. Can’t go back in the same hole.
LARRY: That’s what I’m saying.
You cut the bottom of that bitch open and put the shit inside then reseal the bottom.
LARRY: This is harder than toothpaste.
LEON: Know what you gotta do with that? You gotta moisten that motherfucker. Yeah. Like trying to thread a needle. Yeah, yeah, lick that shit good. You gotta get that bitch in that hole.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GASPS)
LARRY: Ah!
Ugh.
Huh!
(GROANS)
LARRY: Ah. No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. I’m just trying to get this string in the hole here. Uh, do you have any tricks? Any housekeeping tricks? No?
No. No housekeeper tricks. Sorry. No. No.
LARRY: You know tricks? Huh. Also, one more thing. I noticed when you put new toilet paper on, you always put it on from the bottom, so I have to go to the bottom. I like it from the top. Rolls out a lot easier. You can rip it off like that.
LEON: Yep, there’s people who do it from the top. You know, you roll like this. And people who do it from the bottom, you do it like this, it’s almost as if you’re un-wiping your ass.
LARRY: Yeah.
Okay.
LARRY: Okay.
DAHLIA: Can I go now?
LARRY: Yeah.
Bye.
LARRY: Okay. (SCOFFS) This is-This is unbelievable.
Yeah.
LARRY: It’s just so awkward. You know, sometimes when you have sex with somebody, you become a different person afterwards?
Yeah.
LARRY: Well, we didn’t have sex. She just caught me having sex.
Yeah. She’s uncomfortable, but now it’s making you uncomfortable.
LARRY: She’s not cleaning. She’s not doing anything. I’d like to fire her but I can’t. I got a trial coming up. It doesn’t look good that I fired the housekeeper who saw me having cunnilingus.
LEON: Can’t get rid of her ass ’cause you got no basis. Getting caught eating pussy is not a basis. So, you fucked.
LARRY: Yeah.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
LARRY: Oh, my God. This text chain. (CHUCKLES) This text chain. “Stay strong everybody. Remember, after the rain comes the rainbow. Be the reason someone smiles today.” Oh, fuck you. (SCOFFS) Ridiculous.
♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS)
Okay, we go for a walk. Oh, hi. Jeff’s not home.
LARRY: Huh?
He just ran out for– He’ll be back in, like, eh, ten minutes.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) What the hell’s this?
It’s a coyote vest. They’re all over the fucking neighborhood. I gotta protect him. Some people care if he gets eaten by a coyote, Larry.
LARRY: By the way, I just had lunch with Gina Grossbard.
Oy. That farbissina punim.
LARRY: She blames you for Stu’s stroke.
She thinks-What, ’cause I brought over the foie gras?
LARRY: Yeah.
She is so transparent. Every time she comes here, Larr, she brings something from that new French patisserie. Eclairs and Napole–
LARRY: Yeah.
She’s trying to get me fat.
LARRY: She wants you to be fat?
Yes, she does. So I retaliated.
LARRY: You retaliated?
Yeah. Because she’s jealous that I’m thinner than her…
LARRY: Really?
…and I have more style than her.
LARRY: You know, he ate the whole tub. That night, had a stroke.
That’s his problem. Because he’s a fucking pig. It’s not my problem.
LARRY: Really?
Oh, by the way, you can play golf with your boyfriend this weekend.
LARRY: Why? I thought he was going to North Carolina.
He is not coming with me. I can’t have it. He had a dream last night, Larry. A nightmare about the trip.
LARRY: What?
And I thought, “If he’s having this much anxiety over that flight, better he should stay home.” I don’t need him having a stroke. I don’t–
LARRY: He had a dream?
Yeah, he had a dream, and–
LARRY: Just a-a nightmare?
He was thrashing around. It’s something like that.
LARRY: Oh, the poor guy.
I believe in respecting the unconscious.
LARRY: Yeah, well, that’s just a surprising turn of events. Good for you. Oh.
Yeah. We’re going for a walk.
LARRY: Yes. Is your outfit anti-coyote?
Very funny, Larry. Go fuck yourself. You don’t know anything about fashion.
Let’s go, buddy. (KISSES)
(DOG BARKS)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, hey. Is this Stu Grossbard’s room?
Yes, it is.
LARRY: How’s he doing?
It’s too early to tell.
LARRY: Can I see him?
Yes, but don’t stay long. He needs his rest.
LARRY: Okay.
(EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
(STU GROSSBARD PANTING)
LARRY: Stu. Hey.
Larr-Larry.
LARRY: Hey, hey! Stuey!
(GRUNTS) Oh, jeez.
LARRY: Look at you. What a man will do for attention, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Did you talk to Gina?
LARRY: I did talk to Gina. She invited me to lunch, and, uh, I paid, which is a little odd because she invited me. I’m the invitee. She’s the invited. Usually, the inviter pays. I kind of waited. I gave her some time, but it was not forthcoming, and, you know, I don’t wanna make a big deal of it. I don’t care, really. It means nothing to me, but it’s a matter of common courtesy.
(SIGHS)
LARRY: You would think the invited should be the one picking it up. I-Listen, again, I didn’t care. It doesn’t matter to me. But she did bring up something at the lunch that I wanted to call to your attention, which is in the event that… you know, God forbid, the worst transpires…
(GROANS)
LARRY: …do I have this right, that you want me to keep an… “an eye” on your 11-year-old daughter?
Yes, Larry.
LARRY: And, you know, I met your daughter at the lunch, and she pulled the string on my sweatshirt, and it was all I could do to restrain myself from yelling, “You fuck!” That’s what I wanted to say to your daughter.
Uh, right.
LARRY: She pulled the string out. The sweatshirt’s ruined.
She’s curious. You’re passionate. It’s all right. It’s a good combination.
LARRY: I’m not being modest when I tell you that I don’t really think I’m the right person for this job.
You are, Larry. You are.
LARRY: You know who would be perfect for this? Freddy Funkhouser.
No.
LARRY: Oh, yes. Freddy Funkhouser, who loves prepubescent girls. And I mean that in a good way. He’s very excited to be around them. And, of course, again, I mean that in a good way. This has got Freddy written all over it.
Freddy’s the violin man.
LARRY: I don’t know why I’m not the violin man. I grew up taking violin lessons.
Larry, I just know that you’re the right man for the job.
LARRY: You must have me confused with a normal person.
You are the person for Olivia. You understand?
LARRY: Okay, Stu. I… I respect your decision.
STU: Okay. (SIGHS) That puts me at ease. (SIGHS)
LARRY: (EXHALES, EXCLAIMS)
You’re carrying a flask now?
LARRY: Eh, you know, I take a couple of nips. I take a nip here, a nip there, you know. I nip away at it, and then, hopefully, I won’t have to drink again tonight. But I feel good. I like it. So what? You know. (BURPS) Excuse me.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
LARRY: (COUGHS, CHUCKLES) Oh, Jesus Christ. Will you look at the tuchus on this one? Hey, you know what? Is she coming in here? She giving you sponge baths, this one? Huh?
Yeah, she takes care of me, Larry.
LARRY: I’m not even sure if she’s wearing a bra. Am I right, Stu?
Um…
(LARRY EXHALES)
STU: Maybe you’re–
LARRY: Oh, boy.
Maybe you’re right, Larr. Freddy’s the right person…
(LARRY SCOFFS)
…for Olivia.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
And you’re-you’re the right person for the violin.
LARRY: So, yeah, yeah, you wanna flop us?
Yes, I’m gonna flop you, Larry.
LARRY: Okay. I got that violin covered. The violin is the least of your worries.
You’re my friend, Larry.
LARRY: Good decision, Stu. I gotta run. I got a violin to sell.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
LARRY: (CLEARS THROAT)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: Hello.
Hello.
LARRY: Just got out of the shower and, uh… (CHUCKLES) there are no towels.
It’s because I can’t deal with the towels right now.
LARRY: And why is that?
Because I was holding the towels… when you and her were…
(SIGHS)
LARRY: Ah.
They remind me of the trauma.
LARRY: Oh. The trauma?
Yeah, the trauma.
LARRY: I’ll tell you what.
What?
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Why don’t I get some new towels?
I think I couldn’t. Like, any-any sort of towels would be–
LARRY: You can’t even go near towels?
No, no, I can’t.
LARRY: So, cleaning any towels in this house is traumatic?
Yeah.
LARRY: How ’bout when you take a shower at home and, uh, you use your towels?
Well, those are my towels.
LARRY: Oh, so it’s just my towels?
Yeah.
LARRY: And even the new towels would be a reminder of the trauma? But I also noticed that my clothing hasn’t been washed. That’s also a trauma?
You don’t believe me I have a trauma?
LARRY: Can we get over the trauma by tomorrow?
I do my best. (SLURPS)
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(LEON SCOFFS) Look at all this shit.
(SIGHS)
This fucking mess.
LARRY: Dahlia can’t work because of the trauma.
Wow. This trauma is out of control right now.
LARRY: Yeah. Look at this. No towels. I’m wet.
I took a shower this morning. I had to dry off with paper towels. This is fucking insane.
LARRY: She won’t do anything.
She’s taking advantage of the whole situation right now.
LARRY: Oh, yes. Completely. Completely.
LEON: I get she saw you eating pussy, but it should not affect your fucking work.
LARRY: Yeah. I caught my aunt giving my Uncle Moishe a– a blowjob in the back of a Pontiac, but if they asked me to go to the movies, I just hopped in the car.
Fuck yeah, you did.
LARRY: Same back seat!
Yeah, same back seat.
LARRY: You know, I can still remember those gabardine slacks unzipped!
Yeah. You might even have got a lollipop that day, and it still didn’t affect you. Know what I’m saying? It still didn’t–
LARRY: Still didn’t affect me.
It still didn’t fuck with you.
LARRY: I did have a crush on my aunt, though, after that.
LEON: I don’t get it, man. Trauma did that? Maybe it’s some kind of religious thing.
LARRY: Is there any mention of cunnilingus in the Bible? I don’t think it’s in the Old Testament.
Hmm. I don’t think that shit was invented yet. That shit didn’t start till the early 1900s, at least.
LARRY: No, I don’t think so. Columbus got it from the Indians, brought it back to Spain with grapefruit.
Somebody had to be the first.
LARRY: There was a cunnilingus pioneer out there. We don’t know who it was. They should get some credit for that.
Put that motherfucker on-on the Mount Rushmore of-of pussy eaters. They all got their tongue out and shit. You know what I mean?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
That’s how the fuck you do it. Honor these motherfuckers, right?
LARRY: I’ll get it.
Somebody had to start it. Nah, fuck that.
LARRY: Who is it?
FREDDY: It’s Freddy!
(GROANS, MUMBLES)
Hey! There’s my guy. Okay if I come in?
LARRY: Uh… (HESITATES) Yeah.
FREDDY: Great to see you, old friend. Boy, it does my heart good to see an honest face. I think it comes down to just loyalty and someone who’s genuine, who you can count on. Because that’s what makes a friend. Anyway, anything on your mind? Anything you wanna tell a friend to his face?
LARRY: No. I don’t…
No?
LARRY: Mm.
I gave you a chance to address the fact that you fucked me. Yeah. You took me off the violin, and you shoved the kid down my throat, and you fucked me, L.D.
LARRY: I couldn’t do it.
You know what the worst thing about this whole thing is? Is that you did it with my own flask. You took something elegant, something classy and sophisticated like my flask, and you shoved it up my ass, and you reamed me with it.
LARRY: It was a good idea, though.
FREDDY: What you did is terrible.
LARRY: But it was a good idea.
This is a first-degree, premeditated fucking. You know what makes it even worse? Is you don’t have any remorse. You’re a sociopath. You fucked me in cold blood, and you’re a monster. And now I have to accept the fact that you’re wired like a fucking lunatic.
LARRY: I can’t take care of kids! I hate kids! I’d rather have roaches in my bathtub as pets than take care of a kid!
And I’m fucking Mary Poppins?
LARRY: You’re a very affable and genial fella! You could do a much better job than I can!
You have a knack!
LARRY: What? No! My humor’s way too sophisticated for a child!
Yes, you are. You always take time for people!
LARRY: No, I don’t! I make no time!
You’re completely courteous!
LARRY: I can’t even believe the way people talk about you behind your back! “Oh, that Freddy Funkhouser!”
FREDDY: You know what?
LARRY: “He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met!”
Oh, my God! I’m the nicest guy? People always say how lovely you are!
LARRY: Nobody says that! Nobody says that!
“Oh, he’s so funny! Larry brightens the party!”
LARRY: Nobody’s said a decent word about me my entire life!
What, are you crazy? People love you!
LARRY: I don’t even say decent words about me!
Yes, I do! I say it all the time! I say, “He’s honest, he’s loyal!” I won’t say it anymore! It was a terrible thing that you did.
LARRY: My one regret is that I had to use your flask.
FREDDY: Oh, no, no, no, no. That may be your first regret, but that’s– that’s not gonna be your only regret. There’s gonna be a series of regrets, because if you think I’m gonna take a nap while you fuck me, you’re crazy. I’m awake. This thing’s only just begun.
LARRY: Oh, really?
And I’m about to roll over and do some fucking myself.
LARRY: That guy could be dead any second.
You’re getting fucked pretty soon.
LARRY: I don’t know what you think you’re gonna do.
FREDDY: I’m gonna roll over and fuck you.
LARRY: That guy thinks I’m an alcoholic! Freddy? What are you gonna do?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, for God’s sake. Ah, this chain! This chain!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Stu, you all right? I came full throttle from Cabazon, from the outlet store. I’m glad to be with you.
My friend, Freddy.
Can I cheer you up with some pretty good news? I think I got a couple leads on the violin.
Uh, you talked to Gina?
No, no, I’m getting a bidding war going.
I can’t do it, Freddy. I gotta switch it up. You gotta take Olivia. Larry’s gonna sell the violin.
You wanna have a nest egg for Olivia, you need me moving that violin. And Larry’s great with kids.
I don’t know about that.
He’s super comfortable with really young girls. Not in a bad way, but nice, like laughing and joking. He’s like a porcupine. He puts those things out and is prickly ’cause he wants to keep people away, but he puts ’em down for the kids, and he brings those kids in, he gives ’em a nice, snug hug. He holds on to ’em super tight. Not in a bad way. They love to cuddle with him because he smells good, and he’s always got a clever line he whispers. He’s playful. The girls love it. They sit and laugh, and, you know, it’s a little push, a little pull, and… Not in a bad way, but they connect.
I appreciate everything you’re saying.
If I was gonna pick someone, I’d pick Larry David.
I made up my mind.
I think you’re missing the big picture here.
Larry is selling the violin, and you are keeping an eye on Olivia. And that’s my final word, Freddy.
If that’s what you want, then I’ll honor that.
It is.
(YAWNS)
I’m sorry. I’m exhausted. I’ve had the, uh, sun in my eyes since I’ve been driving from the outlets. You mind if I take a seat?
No. Go ahead, Freddy.
(FREDDY SIGHS) It just hit me.
I want you to stick around.
(YAWNING) I’m so tired. I think I’m about to fall asleep on my feet. You mind if I rest my eyes?
No. I think I’m gonna go to sleep too, Freddy.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SNORES)
(SNORES)
You don’t need to finish high school. You need to pay your dues at the mattress store in Temecula.
♪ (DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
FREDDY: You want a book? Next thing is you’re gonna be wanting socks. And take off that skirt, you look like a whore. (INHALES) I said take it off! (SNORES) It’s not hard to make friends. It’s just nobody likes you. (SNORES) It’s a pocketknife. You’re supposed to cut yourself sometimes. That’s how you learn. (SNORING) You shit in the bucket, you clean the bucket. Those are the house rules. Who cares if it’s your birthday? We go to cockfights. That’s what this family does. It’s tradition. (SNORES)
Freddy.
You’ll come out of the basement when I’m good and ready.
Freddy.
Hey, you’re fat. You’re fat!
Freddy!
(GROANS)
STU: Freddy.
Hey. Ah. What’s going on? So sorry. I was having the craziest dream.
(GROANS)
STU: Yeah, I know.
FREDDY: I was exhausted.
I’ve changed my mind. You’re back on the violin.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You’re flopping?
I’m flopping.
All right, well, that’s what you want, that’s what it is. I’ll be sure to let Larry know. I’d love to stay, but I got a Zoom in Vacaville with one of my mattress shops, okay?
You’re the best, Freddy.
And, um, don’t worry about that violin. I’m moving it.
Bye.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GROANS) Very busy tongue. Ah!
(SPEAKS SPANISH, RETCHES)
(IN ENGLISH) Awful. Head and legs. Bald head, moving up and down.
(MOANS)
(MIMICS MOANING)
(GASPS)
(LARRY MIMICS GASPING)
(YAWNING) I must have fallen asleep.
LARRY: Oh, what happened?
I was having a nightmare.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, sounds like it. You poor thing. Are you okay?
Maybe bec-because of the trauma.
LARRY: Okay. Let me tell you something. You’re using the dream scheme on the wrong guy. I invented it.
I can’t forget what I saw.
LARRY: This is over. I don’t wanna fire anybody, but I will fire, and I’ll hate myself for doing it. But if you don’t come in tomorrow and work, I’m gonna do it. Okay? And take your feet off the couch.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Hey, Leon! I’m gonna go get that violin!
Take care.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Larry.
LARRY: Yeah.
Waylan Grossbard.
LARRY: Do I know you?
I’m Stu’s cousin from the family text chain.
LARRY: Oh. Oh, yeah, the text chain.
WAYLAN GROSSBARD: Yeah, we love that you’re on there. I noticed you haven’t really been very active on it.
LARRY: Yeah. No.
Barely replying at all, actually.
Yeah, uh… Well, we’re noticing it’s really been helpful for everybody, keeping us in the loop…
LARRY: Has it? Is it? Really? Is it?
…and sort of positive spirits.
LARRY: Is it helpful?
Yeah.
LARRY: Yeah, you think so?
Yeah. I don’t know if you saw. My niece sent a great photo of Stu and her by the lake.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. Uh-huh, yeah. That was really, uh… cute.
Cute.
LARRY: Yeah.
You think you’re too good for the chain?
LARRY: You know what? Waylan? Is that your name?
Yeah.
LARRY: I do. I think I’m too good for the chain.
Oh. I’m sorry you don’t wanna help your friend.
LARRY: Help?
You know, it takes minimal effort just to reply. Even a “ha-ha” or a thumbs up–
LARRY: Oh, really? Are there funny things on there that require a ha-ha?
I mean– If you read through it, there’s a lot of–
LARRY: Can I be honest with you?
WAYLAN: Please.
LARRY: I’m overwhelmed by this chain. Every two minutes it’s, “Ding!” I’m getting a ding. I’m getting a ding. Too many dings! And what is it? It’s just these ridiculous, inspirational sentiments that amount to nothing. They’re all trite. I don’t even know why people bother to write them!
It’s been a really hard time for the family, so–
LARRY: You want me to give it a ha-ha? A ha-ha?
Or a heart. That’s also an option. But it seems like that’s too much for you.
LARRY: You know what’s too much for me? This chain is too much for me. I want off this chain.
Once you’re off the chain, you can’t get back on the chain.
LARRY: Oh, don’t. Don’t say that. Really?
I would text this to you, but I know you won’t read it, so here’s the real-life emoji. There you go.
LARRY: Oh! I’ll give that a ha-ha!
No, ha-ha to you.
LARRY: Ha! Ha-ha!
Ha-ha to you, sir.
LARRY: Ah, ha-ha!
You know, you’re a real asshole.
LARRY: Oh, I’m an asshole?
Yeah. Yeah.
LARRY: Oh, I’m an asshole.
WAYLAN: Yeah.
LARRY: I’m the one writing-I’m the one writing, “Tough times remind us that our spirits are strong!”
Yeah, I wrote that!
LARRY: Yeah, I know you did!
Well, heart it if you like it!
LARRY: Yeah, I’ll heart it.
Oh, is that an emoji?
LARRY: Smiley–
That’s a nice smiley face.
LARRY: Yeah. Oh, oh, oh.
Oh. Oh, the praise hands. So you know the emojis, you just won’t use them.
LARRY: Praise-Praise hands.
WAYLAN: Oh, nice. A thumbs-up. Well, ha-ha to you, sir.
LARRY: Ha-ha!
Ha-ha to you. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Fuck you.
LARRY: Oh, ho-ho!
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Larry! What a surprise.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: Hi. Um, you know, I thought I’d come over and, uh, pick up the violin. You know, I don’t want to appear insensitive, but, you know, just in case.
Oh. No.
LARRY: I’ll get-I’ll get a head start on things.
No, there’s no need. Freddy’s here.
LARRY: What?
Stu made a change. Freddy’s taking the violin.
LARRY: Are you-What?
Yeah.
LARRY: Hey! Hey!
(DOOR CLOSES)
LARRY: What are you-What are you doing?
What are you doing here?
LARRY: What are you doing?
I’m fulfilling my obligation to Stu.
LARRY: You don’t get the violin.
FREDDY: Listen to me–
LARRY: I get the violin.
Listen. No, no, no, no. Stu put me in charge of the violin.
LARRY: No, I think you’re mistaken. What’s going on?
Doesn’t Stu want me–
Freddy went to see Stu at the hospital, and he got tired, he fell asleep, and he had these nightmares about raising Olivia.
LARRY: Oh! (LAUGHS) Really? I wonder where you got that from! He was having nightmares! It’s all bullshit! There’s no nightmares! It’s a nightmare con!
(DOOR OPENS)
LARRY: And I know, ’cause I invented it! It’s a scam!
What! A scam? You invented the nightmare con? Jeff’s dream was all a fucking lie?
LARRY: No, but he-I–
Oh, I am so on to you and your little friend Jeff.
LARRY: Well, I didn’t put him up to it.
Oh, man, I’m gonna kill that fat motherfucker! Oh, I brought you a kale salad as a peace offering. You know, it hardly has any calories. And I’m gonna fucking kill him, Larry! And it’s gonna be your fault! Enjoy.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(DOOR SLAMS)
LARRY: No, no, no! Don’t even think about it!
FREDDY: I move the Heifetz!
LARRY: Don’t! No, no, no, no!
They want me to have it! Give me the fucking thing!
LARRY: Give it to me!
GINA: Stop it!
Stop it! Put it back! Put it back and get out!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
All right.
♪ (PLUCKS VIOLIN) ♪
LARRY: Yeah, I’m so sorry.
(GASPS)
Get out! I don’t want either one of you taking care of anything!
You have a lovely home.
LARRY: We’ll, uh… We’ll talk on the text chain.
(STRING WHIPS)
LARRY: Okay.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH SIGH)
Not bad. Yeah?
LARRY: Eh. You know what?
Hmm?
LARRY: I think you would’ve been a much better dad.
Are we talking in all seriousness?
LARRY: In all seriousness.
You would’ve been a hell of a father.
LARRY: Are you kidding? Social workers would’ve descended on the house within two weeks.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(EXHALES)
Oh. Hi. I’m Renee.
Yeah.
We met.
I remember.
Hey, listen. About the other day, I know it was really awkward, but it’s not even really my thing. You know? It’s Larry’s thing. He really likes that. I mean–
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, where’s Larry?
He’s not here.
RENEE: Got it. Well, I’m gonna leave this here for him, because someone from the gallery is gonna be by later to box it up before the showing, but I-I wanted him to see it. (GRUNTS)
I take it.
Okay. Do you need some help?
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
Guess not.
(AIRPLANE ENGINE RUMBLING)
(BABY CRYING)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(CART RATTLES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Excuse me. Could I have a-a water?
PILOT: (OVER SPEAKER) This is your pilot speaking. I’m sorry to report that due to some inclement weather in the Raleigh-Durham area, this flight is being diverted to Greensboro.
(PASSENGERS GROAN)
PILOT: Ground control has informed me that we’ll be able to bus you to your final destinations.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: So he jumped right into Sheepshead Bay. Can you believe it?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, that’s crazy.
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What the fuck?
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
