Original air date: March 10, 2024
Larry tries to make better use of the time he spends in the bathroom. Susie starts a new business, and her advertising brings surprising results. Later, Larry gives acting advice to an A-List actress.
* * *
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: Whoo-wee! (GROWLS) These fresh meatballs in here? (CHUCKLES) Gotta get that corn on the cob. On the cob, off the cob, it don’t matter. Y’all ain’t playing around this motherfucker, huh? What the fuck is this right here?
LARRY: (URINATING) (SIGHS)
♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
You guys don’t have the lobster bibs no more?
WAITRESS: Sorry, hon.
LARRY: (CHUCKLING) Oh, my God. Another plate? Are you out of your mind? Huh?
It says all you can eat, right? So you fucking eat.
LARRY: Yeah, I know, but still. You are really going at it, man.
LEON: Mm-hmm. Whoo!
LARRY: Let me ask you this question. Have you ever considered how much time you’ve wasted in your life urinating? Hundreds of hours.
You’re fucking right.
LARRY: mean, you could be learning something in that time, you know?
Mm-hmm. You know who’s gonna be a billionaire? Motherfucker who’s gonna, uh, create a car that runs on piss.
LARRY: Yeah. You know what?
No more time wasted.
LARRY: Now that idiotic brain of yours has finally…
You’re driving across country–
LARRY: You’ve landed on something. Yeah.
You drink water and Gatorades and shit, fucking coffees and shit the whole fucking trip.
LARRY: Yeah.
You pull over, take your dick out, put it in that little hole where the gas goes, and fill that motherfucker up. You’re on your merry way. The Peeus. That’s what it’s fucking called. The Peeus.
LARRY: Fantastic idea.
You know another good idea?
LARRY: Hmm?
Me getting up and getting another plate.
LARRY: Oh, God. No, don’t. Don’t.
(SMACKS LIPS) Whew.
LARRY: Leon, come on, man.
And once I undo these pants…
LARRY: Oh, jeez.
…and this top buckle…
LARRY: You’re gonna get sick.
Watch my smoke.
LARRY: Huh? What’s wrong with you?
(LAUGHS) I’m going in, Larry!
LARRY: Oh, Jesus.
LEON: Whoo! Oh, yeah. Those snow crab legs. Hey, these fresh?
SERVER: Yes, sir.
LARRY: It’s enough already. Sit down and eat it.
Whoo-wee! (GROANS)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey!
We’re done. That was your last plate for today. You have four plates. Too much food. I’m cutting you off. That’s all!
Wait. You got a sign outside that says, “all you can eat.” You mean to tell me, I can’t eat all the fuck want to eat?
All you can eat if you are reasonable. You’ve already ate, my friend. I’ve been counting. Five pound short rib, ten pound prawns.
LARRY: Who are you, by the way?
I’m Shimon.
LEON: You’re Shimon?
I am Shimon.
Oh, so you’re the Wendy’s of this motherfucker.
I’m fucking Wendy. You want me to put on a little red wig and freckles?
LEON: Yeah. Yeah.
How ’bout this?
LEON: How ’bout you do that?
I do that after you get the fuck out! You’re banned forever. Lifetime ban. Lifetime.
LARRY: That’s not-that’s not fair.
Oh. You, my friend. You still can come when you want because you eat like reasonable person.
LARRY: Yeah. Yeah, I had one plate. You know why? ‘Cause the food stinks.
You stink!
LARRY: No, you stink!
No, you stink!
LARRY: You stink!
LEON: You stink!
You stink!
You fucking stink.
LARRY: You stink, Shimon!
SHIMON: No, you stink.
Get out. Both of you out. Both of you out. You, forever. You, maybe-maybe you have a chance.
Fuck you, Wendy.
Lifetime ban! Only person besides you, Gary Busey.
If this was a brothel, I’d be fucking pissed.
Lifetime ban. You’re gone.
LARRY: (QUIETLY) I’m still good?
SHIMON: You’re still fine. You’re still fine. Go.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
He did me dirty. He did me fucking dirty.
LARRY: Yeah, he really did.
Wow, man. Now I need dessert.
LARRY: What, are you nuts? You had four plates of food.
You want something?
LARRY: No.
No? Okay. Don’t fucking leave me. Hurry up.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
Hey!
LARRY: Look at this. Huh? Wow.
You know something? This is-This is perfect. I have a favor to ask you. I’m doing–
LARRY: Oh, boy, that’s a horrible way to introduce a sentence.
TED DANSON: No, no. I’m doing a play. It’s called House Divided.
LARRY: Yeah?
Yeah. I get to play Lincoln.
LARRY: Wh-You’re playing Lincoln?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
LARRY: What fun.
And Lori Loughlin is playing my wife, Mary Todd.
LARRY: Lori Loughlin?
Yeah, Lori Loughlin.
LARRY: Oh.
And here’s-here’s the thing. She loves to play golf, and I was just hoping that maybe you could sponsor her at the club.
LARRY: There’s nobody else who could sponsor her?
No. Because of that whole college admissions scandal thing, no club will touch her.
LARRY: That’s not fair.
No. She’s a lovely lady.
LARRY: Yeah, I’ll bet she is.
And that’s why I’m coming–
LARRY: She’s being blackballed from the clubs?
Yes. Yes.
LARRY: Terrible. That’s-I’ll sponsor her.
Oh, Larry. Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.
LARRY: Yeah. Happy to do it. You know I’m a champion of the underdog. You know that.
I do. I do. Wait a minute. You worked with her, didn’t you? Yeah. Yeah, on-on Seinfeld.
LARRY: No, no, that was the last two years. I wasn’t there for that episode.
Huh. But you did the finale, right?
LARRY: Yeah, Ted, I did the finale.
That’s what I thought. Yeah. Anyway, thanks. I’ll-I’ll let Lori know. Thank you so much, buddy. I got to run.
♪ (JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Voilà!
♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
LARRY: Wow.
SUSIE GREENE: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: Look at you.
SUSIE: “Catch as Caftan.” My business! All mine.
LARRY: Well, I like how you plastered yourself all over Santa Monica Boulevard here…
Ah, it’s a sales thing.
LARRY: Like-like Queen Nefertiti.
You got to spend money to make money, and it’s an investment. And I think the business is just gonna take off. Now you see why I wanted you to come.
LARRY: All right, well, I got to, uh, I got to take off. Uh, I got a big date tonight.
Wait, Irma’s gone, right?
LARRY: Yeah. This is my first one.
Anyone I know?
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
Who?
LARRY: I can’t even tell you.
Oh, come on! It’s me!
LARRY: I can’t, no. You’re gonna mock me to death.
I’m not gonna mock. Tell me.
LARRY: Sienna Miller.
(LAUGHS)
(LARRY WHEEZES)
She’s going out with you?
LARRY: Yeah!
That gorgeous woman?
LARRY: Yeah, I’m going to her, uh, screening for her new movie tonight.
Oh, get the fuck out of here.
LARRY: Yes. She’s got a thing for me.
All right. Well-You know what it is?
LARRY: You know why?
Yeah, I know. I know what it is.
LARRY: Yeah. Atlanta.
Listen, when you’re out with Sienna, maybe mention the caftans, ’cause they’d look fantastic. She’s tall, thin. It would flow beautifully on her.
LARRY: Are you-(CHUCKLES) Think she’s gonna wear that fucking thing?
Yes!
LARRY: Get out of here.
SUSIE: “Catch as Caftan.” Oh, I love it.
(CAR DOOR OPEN, CLOSES)
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: “Fourscore…”
(URINATING)
“…and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty…”
(CONTINUES URINATING)
“…and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”
(URINATING STOPS)
(ZIPPER CLOSES)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: “Fourscore and seven years ago…”
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
LARRY: By the way, if you think you’re getting any of my popcorn, you’re gravely mistaken.
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: Gravely.
If you think you can go on a date with someone and not share popcorn, you’re gravely mistaken.
LARRY: Oh, is this-Is this a date?
Gravely.
LARRY: Is this a date?
I don’t know, Larry. You tell me. If you share the popcorn, it’s a date.
LARRY: All right, well… (SIGHS)
Thank you.
LARRY: If you must.
I get a little bit nervous.
LARRY: Nervous? It’s friends and family, you got nothing to worry about. This is the easiest thing you’ll ever go through. And aren’t you, uh, aren’t you shooting another one?
Mm. Right now.
LARRY: Very busy gal.
Busy gal.
LARRY: Yeah.
I’m like Rachel and the rug merchants.
LARRY: Who?
Rachel and the rug merchants.
LARRY: What’s that?
It’s like a– It’s a famous Old Testament Jewish parable.
LARRY: Rachel and the rug merchants?
Have you never heard of it?
LARRY: Never heard of it.
Call yourself a Jew?
LARRY: What’s it about?
It’s about Rachel and rug merchants.
LARRY: What-And what happened? Did she get cheated on a rug, and she had to return the rug? Did they give her the wrong rug? Was there a stain on it? I mean, there’s many possibilities for what the story…
No, no stain on the rug. Uh-uh.
LARRY: Was the rug too big for her tent, and she got the dimensions wrong? Was it about her relationship with the rug merchant? Did she have an affair with the rug merchant? What happened with her and the rug merchant?
♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING IN MOVIE) ♪
(DUCKS QUACKING)
♪ (MUSIC TURNS TENSE) ♪
(CHILDREN SCREAMING CHEERFULLY)
SIENNA MILLER: (IN FILM) Johnny? Johnny, where are you? Johnny? Oh my God. Johnny! Johnny, come on!
♪ (SORROWFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: I notice you like to eat a lot of fruit in your movies. I mean, we’re only halfway through this, and you’ve already eaten a cantaloupe, a nectarine, and some mulberries. In fact, now that I think about it, didn’t you eat a lot of fruit in Anatomy of a Scandal?
Uh…
LARRY: What is that? Is that part of your process? You take a bite, you act, you take another bite, you act.
I’m just trying to watch, you know.
SIENNA: Excuse me? Excuse me?
LARRY: Oh, sorry.
Have you seen an 11-year-old boy?
(DOG BARKING)
LARRY: Oh, yeah. You’re doing it again.
He’s wearing like a black and green checkered shirt.
(SHUSHES) No, I’m sorry.
(BARKING)
He’s been missing for, like, three hours.
DOG WALKER: I haven’t seen him. Sorry.
SIENNA: (CRYING) Oh, my God.
(LARRY EXHALES)
SIENNA: Johnny!
Hey, chief. What’s up?
SIENNA: Johnny!
LARRY: You talking to me?
Yeah. We got to have a little powwow.
LARRY: Look, what’s your problem?
My problem? I don’t have a problem. Your problem is that you’re way in my area with your jacket.
LARRY: No. No. That’s where a jacket belongs, on the back of the chair. It’s my chair.
In what world–
LARRY: So I get to put it on my back.
SIENNA: Just leave it alone.
LARRY: This is draped beautifully over the back of my chair. It’s not disturbing anybody.
(CROWD SHUSHES)
It’s draped…
LARRY: Yes.
…like you’re giving me a lap dance, okay?
LARRY: Oh, please. Everybody knows that a jacket goes on the back of the chair.
You drive a car, you go drive into every lane on the parkway, huh?
LARRY: Yeah, no–
I’m married. I can’t just go to the mall and fuck any woman I want.
Excuse me. Both of you, stop it!
ATTENDEE: Why don’t you put it on the front of his chair?
LARRY: Put it on the front? What an idiot you are. His neck is gonna be on my jacket. My jacket’s gonna be on his neck.
That doesn’t make any sense at all.
LARRY: Oh, shut your fucking…
Both of you, shut up! Sit back! Just put it on the lap. That’s enough!
DOG WALKER: Well, we’ll keep an eye out.
Something’s happened. I can feel it. (SOBS) I can feel it. Johnny! (WAILING) Johnny!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
By the way, you’re very good in this.
♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(URINATING)
LARRY: “It is for us, rather, to be dedicated here to the great task remaining before us, that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause…”
(URINATING STOPS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
LARRY: “…for which they gave their last full measure of devotion. For which they gave their last full measure of devotion.”
All right, next on the agenda, we are reviewing the membership application of Lori Loughlin.
(SKEPTICAL CHATTER)
Is there anyone present who wishes to speak on her behalf?
LARRY: I will.
Oh, Mr. David. (CHUCKLES) Nice to see you here. Floor is yours.
LARRY: Members of Ocean View, our esteemed board. Eighty-seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this property a new golf club dedicated to the proposition that men can have fun and women can’t.
(LAUGHTER)
LARRY: But that was a long time ago, and things have changed. For the better. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here in the Monte Carlo room, but it will never forget what they did here. Men like Hiram Goldfarb, who started the Turkey Day best ball scramble, and William Jacobson, who donated… that parcel of land…
♪ (INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
LARRY: (VOICE BREAKS) …where we play pickle ball. And I highly resolve that she shall not have served her time in vain, and that this exclusive club of specific people, by specific people, and for specific people shall have a new, specific member. And as much as that woman in Atlanta was thirsty for water, Lori Loughlin is equally thirsty for membership!
(CLUB MEMBERS AGREEING)
LARRY: I say we let her drink!
CLUB MEMBERS: (CHEERING) Yes!
♪ (MUSIC SWELLS TRIUMPHANTLY) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
LARRY: You did it!
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: You did it? I did it. What do I mean, “You did it”? I did it.
You did!
LARRY: Ah! Could have been a great lawyer.
(CHUCKLES) Oh. Larry.
LARRY: Could’ve been a great butcher. And I would have enjoyed it too. You-you take a mallet, you pound the beef. You pound it, you pound it.
Mm.
LARRY: You slice it. That’s fun.
Um, so, uh, as far as the club, what-what next? What–
LARRY: You have to play two rounds of golf with, uh, some of the committee members. And I’ll be playing with you. It’ll be a breeze. Yeah.
Oh, great! Larry, I can’t thank you enough.
LARRY: You know, people say that, and-and they don’t really. They stop thanking. You’ll-Probably won’t thank me again after this. In fact, if ever get another thank you from you, uh, I’ll be shocked.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(TIRES SCREECHING)
LARRY: Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
There’s a dick in my mouth?
LARRY: In your mouth.
SUSIE: With balls?
A drawing. A drawing.
LARRY: With balls. A drawing.
A drawing.
Like a graffiti dick.
LARRY: It’s not in your mouth. It’s kind of grazing your lips.
(LAUGHS)
LARRY: (LAUGHS) And…
(JEFF GREENE LAUGHING)
They grazed your lips with a dick. How hilarious is that?
They ruined my poster, my billboard! They ruined it.
They did. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
LARRY: I-I have one-one more detail to share.
SUSIE: What?
Uh-huh.
LARRY: You’re cradling the balls.
(BOTH LAUGH)
LARRY: I’m sorry.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Grazing and cradling.
LARRY: I’m sorry. Yeah.
Oh, fuck me. (LAUGHS)
What are you laughing at, Jeff? What’s so funny, Jeff?
LARRY: Yeah, that’s not funny.
It’s-It’s not funny.
LARRY: No, it’s not funny. No.
It is not. I’m… I’m shocked.
No, it’s not funny.
It’s shock laughing.
Who the fuck would do that to me?
LARRY: (LAUGHS) I don’t know.
I don’t even put a dick in my mouth. Right, Je-Jeff? I don’t give blowjobs.
What, do you need-you need me to agree with you? I know.
LARRY: Why can’t-why can’t you give a blowjob every now and then?
Oh, Larry, come on.
LARRY: Would that kill ya? Would that kill ya?
You know, it might kill me.
LARRY: Huh? Huh?
LARRY: What is this revulsion?
SUSIE: And what difference does it make? You’re a single guy. You’re out there, single, hot on the town.
LARRY: Yeah.
JEFF: Oh, yeah, yeah.
You probably get ’em all the time.
Hey.
LARRY: Oh, all the time. Yeah.
How did it, uh, how did it go with Sienna Miller? That’s–
You didn’t get one from her.
LARRY: Not good. Not good
JEFF: Really? What happened?
LARRY: I texted her twice. She never got back to me.
Well, it wasn’t gonna work out anyway with an old fuck like you. What does she want to be with you for?
LARRY: That’s what I thought, but she’s the one who started it.
Yeah, well, it looks like she ended it. I’m gonna go call the billboard company and get that dick out of my mouth.
Speaking of Sienna, you know, I-I know the director on her movie. He says–
LARRY: Oh, the one she’s filming now.
Yeah. He says they’re having a ton of problems.
LARRY: What?
Yeah, they’re thinking of, uh, firing her.
LARRY: You’re kidding.
Mm-mm. It’s her acting.
LARRY: You know, I did make a comment to her about how she eats a lot of fruit in her movies. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s affecting her performance in this movie.
It’s a possibility.
LARRY: (SIGHS) I’m going to the bathroom. (GRUNTS)
All right.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(URINATING)
LARRY: “Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”
Enough already!
LARRY: “Now we are engaged in a great civil war.”
(LARRY MUTTERING)
LARRY: Hey, Shimon! Shimon!
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
LARRY: Hey.
SHIMON: Hey.
LARRY: Can I talk to you for a second?
What-What is it?
LARRY: Cou… Could you stop the jogging for a second, so I can talk to you?
Oh, I can’t stop.
LARRY: Huh?
Why would I stop? I’m in the middle of a jog.
LARRY: I know, but it’s hard to have a conversation with somebody who’s bouncing up and down.
What is it? What do you need?
LARRY: Well, I think it’s a little harsh to ban my friend for life from the restaurant, when really–
Let me ask you a question.
LARRY: Sure.
In your bedroom, you have a sign, let’s say. Let’s say maybe you have a sign, “Masturbate all you want.”
LARRY: Okay.
After a while, you say, “No more. I can’t. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
LARRY: Yeah, because the well runs dry. You know, there’s no more water left. You can’t.
Oh, there can be water. There can be water, but it’s a shame– You say, “That’s too much!”
LARRY: No, no, no, there’s no– If there was shame, you wouldn’t have done it five times to begin with.
SHIMON: Leon–
LARRY: Why is there gonna be shame on number six?
Shame, no shame. Leon, he is banned. Okay?
LARRY: ou know what? I-I can’t. I can’t. This is so rude.
This is rude? I think–
LARRY: This is so rude.
I think it is rude–
LARRY: So rude.
I think you are rude for stopping me on my jog.
LARRY: No, you’re rude for putting up a sign that says “all you can eat” when you don’t mean a word of it.
You don’t have to worry about this because you are banned for life!
LARRY: Oh, I’m banned?
You are banned now! Bye-bye! (LAUGHS)
LARRY: Yeah, like I give a shit if I ever enter that dump of a restaurant again.
I don’t care what shits you have because the shit is gone from my life. Shalom, bitch!
LARRY: Okay. Uh, hey. Hey, hey. You’re from Israel. Are you familiar with Rachel and the rug merchants? It’s a Bible thing.
I know the Bible. I’ve never heard of Rachel, I’ve never heard of rug merchants.
LARRY: Really?
SHIMON: Yeah.
LARRY: No, you–
Oh, oh. Uh, Rachel, yeah, yeah. Rachel. She looks at the rug merchants and says, “You’re banned, bitch!” Shalom!
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Hey, hey.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, Larry.
Thank you again for all your help.
LARRY: (SCOFFS) Of course. Happy to do it. You know, we probably shouldn’t take a cart today ’cause it’s cart paths only. We can’t go on the fairway ’cause they punched the fairway.
Oh, no, no problem, I-I got this. Yeah, got the blue flag. We can drive anywhere. We can even drive right up to the green.
LARRY: Wait a second. You got to have a doctor’s note to get one of those.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. Well, I-I have Epstein-Barr.
LARRY: You have Epstein-Barr?
One hematologist thinks so.
LARRY: What do the other hematologists think?
Oh, Larry, this is gonna be so much fun.
LARRY: Isn’t that a Jew disease?
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
BOTH: Wow.
JEFF: Yeah!
LARRY: What a putt.
Thank you!
LORI LOUGHLIN: (LAUGHING) Really good.
LARRY: Really good.
Larry. You got to make this putt. Come on, let’s win some money. Let’s beat these bastards. Let’s go. You got this. Let’s go.
(LARRY BREATHES DEEPLY)
LARRY: (SCOFFS) Ah.
Great, Larry. Way to read a green. Great. (EXHALES)
LARRY: (SCOFFS)
Oh, thank you, you guys. This was so much fun, really.
LARRY: Oh, sure. That was great
Thank you.
Yeah, it was great.
LARRY: Thank you.
You know, A House Divided, it-it opens this weekend. You guys want to come? I can get you tickets.
Oh, you and Ted? Yeah, I’ll see it.
I’ll come.
LARRY: Yeah. Thank you very much.
All right. Great.
JEFF: Yeah, thank you.
LARRY: Oh, you gotta give the guy your valet ticket.
Oh, no. I’m-I’m good. I’ve got this.
LARRY: A handicapped sticker?
(CHUCKLES) It’s fantastic. I can park anywhere.
LARRY: How’d you get that?
Oh, you know.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, Epstein-Barr.
What?
LARRY: Epstein-Barr?
Right. Epstein-Barr.
(LARRY CHUCKLING)
(CHUCKLES) Right.
LARRY: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
All right, you guys, enjoy the rest of your day. Bye.
LARRY AND JEFF: Bye.
LORI: Bye.
And, Larry, short game! Work on that short game.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
LARRY: Oh, my God.
♪ (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(URINATING)
LARRY: “Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We are here to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives so that that nation might live. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.”
(URINAL FLUSHES)
LARRY: “It is rather that from these honored dead, we take increased devotion to that cause and that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
(URINATING STOPS)
(ZIPPER CLOSING)
ONLOOKER 1: Yeah, buddy!
ONLOOKER 2: Whoo!
CROWD: USA! USA!
♪ (“THE BARBER OF SEVILLE OVERTURE” PLAYING) ♪
(PAINT CAN RATTLING)
Yeah! Fuck you, Shimon! That’s five pounds of short ribs and ten pounds of fuck you! Fuck you, Shimon!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Hey, you’re not gonna believe this. I just got off the phone with my CFO. Business, booming. Through the roof
LARRY: What?
Yeah. In the past two weeks. Unbelievable.
LARRY: It’s the penis.
SUSIE: Oh, it’s not the penis.
LARRY: It’s the penis!
It’s the product!
LARRY: How come it wasn’t booming before the penis got up there?
It’s word of mouth.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, word of mouth. Hey, I think you’re getting a post-penis bump.
How?
LARRY: Because people are talk– “Hey, did you see the woman with the billboard with the caftans? There’s a penis in her mouth.” “Penis in her mouth?” “There’s a penis in her mouth.” Yeah.
You sound like you’re in a musical.
Yeah, well, to me, it’s real life. And I want it down.
LARRY: No. In fact… You know what you should do?
What?
LARRY: You need a second dick.
Second dick.
No. You think I’m gonna get more business from two dicks?
LARRY: (STAMMERS) It’ll double!
JEFF: Uh, yeah. You know what I’m thinking? Dick up the ass.
SUSIE: Oh, stop it.
You’re disgusting.
JEFF: So, two dicks up front, dick up the ass.
Yeah.
And how ’bout some jizz on ya?
LARRY: Yeah
You know what? Let me tell you–
LARRY: I mean, you will sell out. Sell out.
Little jizz. Jizz will knock it out of the park.
Warren Buffett never made a business plan having jizz on the face. All right. Trust me on that.
LARRY: Yeah, I’m just saying as a businesswoman, it’s incumbent on you to consider this thing.
I’ll think about it.
LARRY: Stick with the dicks!
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SIENNA: Go away!
LARRY: Sienna, it’s Larry. I-I need to talk to you.
SIENNA: Larry, not now. It’s a really bad time, Larry.
LARRY: It-It’ll only take a few minutes. It’s important.
LARRY: Yeah, uh…
What’s up? (SIGHS)
LARRY: Uh, well, first of all, I-I just wanted to apologize, uh, for the other night. You know, I put the coat on the back of the chair. That’s where coats go.
(SCOFFS)
LARRY: That’s where coats have gone for forever. Even in Shakespeare’s time, they put the capes and doublets on the back.
Yeah.
LARRY: You know.
It’s the least of my worries right now, Larry, the coat, but thank you for the apology.
LARRY: How’s everything going with the filming?
(EXHALES) It’s not good. No matter what I do, I just can’t get a handle on it.
LARRY: I’m really sorry to hear that.
It’s a nightmare. They’re gonna fire me.
LARRY: You know, uh, I’m looking around this trailer, and I notice there’s no fruit.
I don’t even-I don’t like fruit. I don’t even-I don’t-What do you mean?
LARRY: Oh. Uh-huh. Oh, you don’t-You don’t like fruit.
No, I don’t like fruit.
LARRY: Oh, sure. Yeah.
I don’t care for fruit, particularly, so…
LARRY: You don’t care for it? You don’t like it? You don’t eat it?
Mm-mm. Larry, I don’t need it. I don’t care for it, particularly. I–
LARRY: I got you a pear.
♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I’ll make some coffee.
(SNORES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
SIENNA: Who could that be?
SOLDIER: Hello, ma’am. Are you Tanya Barstow?
Yes.
SIENNA: (BREATHES SHAKILY) Harold. His plane was shot down.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
He’s dead. He said we’d sail to the islands, just the two of us. “I won’t be long,” he said.
(INAUDIBLE)
“When I get back,” he said. “We have the whole world in front of us,” he said. (SOBBING) But time doesn’t listen, and the world doesn’t wait. I begged him! I begged him not to go to the Air Force. I begged him not to fly. It’s your fault. You encouraged him to go to flight school. You wanted him to die! You’re the one who should be dead. (SNIFFLES) I hate you! (WHIMPERS) I hate you!
(WHIMPERS)
(SOBS FAINTLY)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(BELLS RING)
(ALL APPLAUD)
DIRECTOR: That’s great.
Sienna, oh, that was beautiful.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, that was amazing.
(EXCLAIMS)
LARRY: How great was that? That was sensational.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
LARRY: You were amazing.
Oh, my God.
LARRY: Wow.
Sienna, that was great.
I’m just thrilled. We got it, right?
Yes, absolutely.
LARRY: Got it.
You saved my fucking ass.
DIRECTOR: Moving on!
SIENNA: Come on.
LARRY: Come on, huh?
Come on.
LARRY: Come on. Come on.
Come on.
(LAUGHS)
I cannot believe that you did that.
LARRY: (SCOFFS)
You figured it out for me.
LARRY: (CHUCKLING) I’ll tell you what I can’t figure out.
SIENNA: Mm-hmm.
LARRY: Uh, uh–
(CHUCKLES)
LARRY: I tried doing some research on Rachel and the rug merchants, and I can’t-I can’t come up with anything. I can’t find it.
Weird.
LARRY: Yeah.
SIENNA: Of all the stories that I read in your religion, she was the one that really, like, spoke to me.
LARRY: You’re sure you read it? Is it possible you dreamed it?
Okay, look, I don’t– (BLOWS A RASPBERRY) I don’t know where I read it. I don’t-I can’t remember where I read it, but I know it definitely exists. Okay? Yeah.
LARRY: Okay. You know what else I tried to find was the word schmeitz, which… (CHUCKLES) …I couldn’t find that either.
Schmeitz exists.
LARRY: Schmeitz?
Schmeitz is a real word for “I’ve got to go.” “I got to schmeitz.”
LARRY: (TONGUE CLICKS)
This wig is killing me. It’s so uncomfortable. I think I have to go get it adjusted.
LARRY: Do you wear a different wig in every movie?
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with the same hair. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen your real hair. Are you blonde? Are you brunette? Are you redhead? What– I-I don’t even know what your hair looks like.
I have alopecia, you fucking asshole.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: I didn’t know you had alopecia!
Asshole!
LARRY: Don’t schmeitz! Don’t schmeitz!
LARRY: I didn’t know she had alopecia. Did you know?
I had no idea.
LARRY: Yeah, who knew?
How can you tell?
LARRY: You can’t.
Larry! Hey! You ready? You feeling like a winner?
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
Oh, good.
LARRY: Feeling like a big winner.
LORI: Good, Larry, good, ’cause I do not like to lose.
LARRY: Hmm. By the way, how did you get the tee time switched to 10:45? I couldn’t get the 10:45.
Oh, crazy thing. Starter just likes me. Weird. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) All right, I’m gonna go to the range.
LARRY: Okay.
LORI: Wanna go to the range?
LARRY: I’ll-I’ll meet you there.
All right. Less chit chatting and more chipping.
LARRY: Okay.
Let’s go. All right.
LARRY: Okay.
We’re gonna win, Larry. Take some money today!
Have fun.
LARRY: Hey, Daveed.
Hey. How you doing?
LARRY: Good morning
Morning.
LARRY: Um, I’m just curious. How did Lori get that tee time moved to 10:45?
(CHUCKLES) I can think of 50 reasons.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Wow.
Yeah. She’s quite a gal, huh?
LARRY: Yeah, she’s quite a gal. (SIGHS)
DAVEED: Yes, she is.
LARRY: All right. Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
(MATT GROANS)
LARRY: Okay. That’s good.
MATT: Oh, really?
LARRY: Yeah. I’m gonna give you that.
That is five.
I got a five also, so we’re up by one. (CHUCKLES)
MATT: That’s true. Right. Yes.
That’s right. You’re going down, Matt. Yeah.
Okay.
LARRY: Hey, you left your club over there.
MATT: Oh, thank you, Larry.
LARRY: You got a five?
Yeah.
LARRY: How did you get a five?
I found my ball.
LARRY: You found that ball?
I found that ball.
LARRY: How’d you get it out of the woods? You were pretty deep in there.
I had a good lie.
LARRY: Yeah, you had a good lie all right.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(SCOFFS SOFTLY)
LARRY: (LAUGHING) Holy shit! (LAUGHS)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SUSIE: Where’s Larry? Where the fuck is he?
He said he’ll be–
Late again?
No, he’ll be here. Trust me, he’ll be here.
Jesus.
I don’t even really–
ATTENDEE: Hey! Hey. You’re that lady with the dick in her mouth.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS, SIGHS)
Really?
Hey! Hey!
Whoa, whoa.
Look, I’m sorry for doing this.
My wife wants me to do this, so just go along with it. On the count of three, turn your head to the right. One, two, three.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD GASPS)
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And keep my wife’s business out of your motherfucking mouth!
(CROWD MURMURING)
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
You are really something, boy. Oh, that was hot, baby!
LARRY: Hey.
Oh, Larr, you’re not gonna believe this.
LARRY: Oh, no, no, you’re not gonna believe this. I drove by the billboard this afternoon. There’s a second dick in your mouth! You’re gonna make a fortune!
Wow. Second dick.
Oh, God.
LARRY: You should see this one. It’s huge!
LARRY: So, so sorry. So sorry. You-you could’ve gotten up. It wouldn’t’ve killed you. Oh, hey.
Hey. Well, they’re good seats. It’s nice to see you.
LARRY: Yeah.
I’m excited about this. Are you excited to see this?
Yeah, I am.
CHERYL DAVID: I really like Lori Loughlin.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. Quite a gal.
LARRY: Hey. I know you. You’re a waiter at that Chinese restaurant, right?
Oh, yes. I work at Sun Wah Palace.
LARRY: How’s the dead fish?
WAITER: He–
LARRY: Still dead?
Oh. You the fish guy? No. We no have dead fish.
LARRY: Eh…
We-Visit downtown restaurant. You see fish there. Very happy. Doing better there.
LARRY: Ah, I’m… I’m gonna go– I’m gonna go this weekend.
Okay.
LARRY: Yeah, what, are you a big history buff? You like Lincoln?
Oh, yes. One of favorite president.
LARRY: You know, if Lincoln had a fish tank and a fish got stuck in the filter, Lincoln would’ve freed the fish.
Uh, fish not stuck, so Lincoln no have fish to free.
LARRY: It’s a hypothetical. Lincoln would free fish.
Uh, why you care so much about fish?
LARRY: Why you no care about fish?
Maybe you worry about yourself.
LARRY: Yeah.
You have problem, sir.
LARRY: No, you have problems. You pathological liar.
You pathological liar.
Hey.
No. Fish sick.
LARRY: Yeah. Fish stuck.
No, fish move.
LARRY: Fish dead. Fish dead.
What are you doing? We’re here to watch a play.
LARRY: Yeah.
Okay.
TED: Mary.
LORI: Yes, Abe.
Have you seen my red stockings?
You mean the ones that were riddled with holes?
TED: I hadn’t noticed.
I had, and I had Miranda throw them out. Or to put it a way you might appreciate, they’ve been emancipated.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
TED: Perhaps we should arrive a little later to the Sewards’ than we planned.
Punctuality is the politeness of kings. We shan’t be late.
Ah. If he talks about wanting to purchase Alaska one more time, I will join the Confederacy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
LORI: Frances Seward thinks I’m dirt.
If she looked down her nose…
LARRY: Hey.
…any further at me, I swear her eyes would fall out.
What?
LARRY: You have not draped the coat over the back of the seat properly.
My coat fine.
LARRY: Coat long.
Coat fine.
LARRY: Coat long. And fish dead.
♪ (SOMBER PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(APPLAUSE)
Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived…
(LARRY GROANS)
…and so dedicated, can long endure.
LARRY: (SIGHS) Hey. I have to go to the bathroom.
No.
LARRY: I have to pee.
(SHUSHES)
LARRY: No–
He’s in the middle–
LARRY: I’ve been memorizing the Gettysburg Address every time I pee, and I’m conditioned to pee when I hear it.
For those who here gave their lives…
This–
LARRY: It’s like a Pavlovian response.
Okay, that’s ridiculous.
LARRY: No, it’s not ridiculous–
He-Hey.
He’s in the middle of it.
LARRY: I understand.
You’re just gonna have to hold it.
LARRY: Yeah.
Okay.
But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
TED: The brave men, living and dead…
(GASPS)
…who struggled here have consecrated it…
I can’t-(STAMMERS)
LARRY: It’s bad. It’s bad.
(GRUNTS) Get this coat out of the way! My foot!
WAITER: What are you doing?
LARRY: Foot stuck!
WAITER: Foot not stuck.
LARRY: Foot stuck!
WAITER: Foot not stuck.
LARRY: Foot… stuck!
(GASPS)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
ATTENDEE: Is he okay?
(URINATING)
Oh, boy.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Ew!
And that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING, APPLAUDING)
Larry, come on, man, what the–
What the fuck!
(WHISTLING FAINTLY)
LARRY: Huh? (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God. Wha-(GASPS) (CHUCKLES) Oh, Sienna. Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) Oh, boy.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
LARRY: Heh? Huh? Oh, come-Me? What? Oh, please.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Good evening, sir.
LARRY: Hey, good evening.
You realize you made an illegal U-turn back there?
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Honestly, officer, had I known it was illegal, would I have done it? Of course, not.
Is there any reason that you weren’t paying attention?
LARRY: You see that billboard up there with Sienna Miller? You see what’s going on up there?
You do know we’ve had a rash of these penises on billboards all over this neighborhood?
LARRY: Terrible. Terrible. (CHUCKLING) The thing is, I saw that billboard, and I went, “Oh, my God, I got to get a picture of this. It’s Sienna Miller.” I had a date with her. We had a-Yeah.
OFFICER: You?
Sir, you’re-you’re like 50 years older than she is.
LARRY: Yes, yes, I am considerably older, but she pursued me, actually. To tell you the truth. I know it’s hard to believe, but she did.
(SCOFFS)
LARRY: By the way, that movie’s gonna do gangbusters with those penises up there.
Sir, that’s sick.
LARRY: No, my friend’s wife had a caftan business, and she had a billboard, and somebody drew dicks in her mouth and business took off.
OFFICER: Uh, Mr. David, can you explain to me why you have a box of spray paint in the back of your car?
LARRY: I’m gonna be perfectly honest with you. My friend and I went to this all-you-can-eat restaurant. He ate too many crabs, and they banned us. And so we went back and spray painted, “Not all you can eat.”
You just admitted to another crime. Step out of the car, sir. Sir.
LARRY: But it’s not all you can eat. It’s bullshit.
OFFICER: Now.
LARRY: It’s not all you can eat.
Out of the car now.
LARRY: Oh, I didn’t do that.
That’s disgusting.
LARRY: You think I drew those dicks up there?
Yeah.
LARRY: I can’t even draw a dick. I don’t know how to draw. I can draw-I can draw a breast maybe.
Yeah.
LARRY: I can’t draw a dick.
That-that’s–
Yeah.
LARRY: I would never draw a dick.
Still disgusting.
LARRY: I didn’t know she had alopecia!
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
