Original air date: February 25, 2024
Larry finds himself in Takahashi’s crosshairs after a note is found in the men’s locker room. Tensions mount when Larry and Irma’s couple’s counselor crosses a professional line.
* * *
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC FADES) ♪
LARRY: “An open letter to the management of Ocean View Golf Club. I’m writing this letter to address numerous complaints. The food is not good. We get packaged turkey roll instead of real deli turkey. Never had a piece of bread in this club that wasn’t stale. Shirts have to be tucked in at all times.”
CLUB MEMBER 1: Oh, I hate that.
LARRY: Come on. “And your management style leaves something to be desired.”
CLUB MEMBER 2: Seriously.
LARRY: Wow.
Unbelievable.
LARRY: “Shame. Shame on you.”
CLUB MEMBER 2: It’s true.
CLUB MEMBER 1: Yeah.
LARRY: Signed, “Disgruntled.”
(MR. TAKAHASHI CLEARS THROAT)
CLUB MEMBER 2: (WHISPERING) Takahashi! Quiet.
Who wrote this? Huh?
CLUB MEMBER 2: I don’t know. Wasn’t me.
Who doesn’t like turkey roll?
(QUIET MUMBLING)
Who don’t like tucking shirt? Huh? Who is Disgruntled? Is it you, funny guy?
♪ (JAPANESE FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I will find who is “Disgruntled.” (MUTTERING) Baka.
LARRY: Takahashi, he ripped it right off the bulletin board and then accused me.
Was it you?
LARRY: No.
It is something you would kinda do, you have to admit.
LARRY: I am not Disgruntled. I mean, I’m disgruntled, but I’m not Disgruntled.
JEFF GREENE: Hey.
LARRY: Yeah?
Great news. Willie Geist wants to do a profile of you.
LARRY: No kidding.
Yeah, the Sunday morning show.
LARRY: Oh, that’s a good show, that Sunday morning show. Yeah.
SUSIE GREENE: Wow, yeah!
Atlanta. Because of Atlanta, everyone wants you.
The cause célèbre.
LARRY: Yeah. You know what? I will-I’ll-I’ll do that.
Great.
LARRY: I really like him.
Big show.
Hello, everybody.
SUSIE: Oh, hi.
WAITER: I will be your server for today. What can I get started for you guys?
SUSIE: I’m thinking scrambled eggs.
IRMA KOSTROSKI: Yes, me too.
WAITER: Ah…
JEFF: I will have pancakes.
We are actually already on to the lunch menu. Yeah.
What?
Eleven o’clock, we switch over to the lunch menu, so…
IRMA: No!
LARRY: I mean, it’s 11:10.
That’s not 11:00. (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: What are you-(SCOFFS) What’s the difference? It’s just eggs.
You know, I mean, those are the rules. What am I supposed to do?
LARRY: What’s going on in the kitchen after 11:00? What-what happens in those ten minutes? What are they doing?
We have to draw the line somewhere, so…
Such a limited menu.
LARRY: It’s like a Broadway play where they have to put in a new set. And so now they’re putting in the lunch set.
Yeah. It’s just those are the rules, so…
I can’t eat a beet pear salad at 11:00 a.m.
SUSIE: Yeah.
LARRY: Okay, you know what? I see there’s a Cobb salad on the menu, right?
Right.
LARRY: Yeah, there are eggs in the Cobb salad?
WAITER: Correct.
LARRY: Okay, so take the eggs from the Cobb salad, take the bacon from the Cobb salad, and put it on some toast.
Yeah, I see what you’re trying to do there. You’re looking for a breakfast loophole. It’s not gonna work. And you’re not the first person to try. Do you need a little more time?
LARRY: I’m not the first person to try the breakfast loophole. It was Five Easy Pieces, remember? With Jack Nicholson.
Yes, yes, yes.
LARRY: Do me a favor. Will you just ask?
I can ask. I will.
LARRY: Thank you. And as long as you’re asking, I brought my own eggs. Yeah.
This is kind of rude.
LARRY: Could you give these to the chef?
You brought these from home?
LARRY: Yes, ’cause they’re organic. The ones you have are full of antibiotics. They’ve done it for me before.
Okay, the chef knows that our eggs are not good enough for you?
LARRY: Yeah.
And he knows that you like eating breakfast after 11:00?
LARRY: Yeah.
I will go and see what he says about all that.
LARRY: Thank you.
And I’ll report back.
Thank you very much. Do your best.
SUSIE: Most restaurants have an omelet on the menu for lunch.
Yes, yes.
LARRY: Exactly.
This should have been in the Disgruntled letter.
LARRY: Yes, that should’ve been in the letter. You know what else Disgruntled missed? The bad eggs.
They-they inject them with antibiotics.
LARRY: Yeah, antibiotics.
And then it gives men breasts. You know, Larry could grow breasts.
The thought of Larry with breasts, I can’t.
LARRY: I’d be pretty cute.
IRMA: It’s not good for you.
LARRY: Pretty, pretty, pretty cute.
So, how’ve you been since you stopped working?
Oh, well, yeah, it’s a struggle, you know? But I go to the meetings, and Cyrus is incredible, my sponsor.
Ah.
Big bear of a man. Looks like Hoss from Bonanza.
Oh, really?
And he thinks we should go to couples therapy.
LARRY: What?
He suggested it.
SUSIE: Interesting.
Yeah. What do you think? You ever been to couples therapy?
No, we haven’t really needed it. Although it can’t hurt.
I want to do it very, very badly.
Larry, I think it’s a great idea.
LARRY: No, it’s a horrible idea. It’s a terrible idea.
SUSIE: Why is it a horrible idea?
Why?
LARRY: Because it’s a wa-It’s a– It doesn’t do anything. It’s a waste of time.
IRMA: What-It does! It does something.
I need it… for my recovery. I need it. I really need it. I think it’s a really crucial part of my recovery.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Please, let’s do the therapy.
No changes for six months. Can you promise me that, Larry? Six months?
…important for me. So would you just–
LARRY: All right!
(SQUEALS) Good.
SUSIE: Look at you, huh?
Look at the tension.
All right, I have-I have a referral. Saved the Janowitzes’ marriage, this woman.
That’s what you need, is to be like the Janowitzes.
You know what? You should be so lucky to be as happy as the Janowitzes.
The eggs have arrived, everybody.
Oh!
Thank you.
Here we go.
Here they are.
So it wasn’t that difficult.
Excuse me.
Eggs after 11:00? What is this?
Um, I will be right with you. Sorry.
I’d like some eggs.
WAITER: Just give me one second.
Well, if he’s getting eggs, I want an omelet.
DINER 1: Is there a different menu?
See what you did?
LARRY: What?
This is what happens when you break the rules.
LARRY: Yeah. Well, it’s a stupid rule. Okay?
WAITER: Is it?
LARRY: Eggs are an all-day food.
DINER 2: Oatmeal!
By the way, I ordered pancakes.
Yeah, your wife actually changed your order while you were in the restroom.
What the fuck?
Much healthier.
WAITER: Thank you. Thank you, once again.
DINER 3: Everyone wants breakfast!
DINER 4: Breakfast burrito!
LARRY: Oh.
DINER 5: Why does he get breakfast food?
LARRY: Some butter?
DINER 6: Pancakes. Is that so hard?
DINER 7: I want scrambled eggs too!
The caftan business. You got to be A.D.A. compliant.
You know what? I think this Willie Geist thing is gonna be good for you.
LARRY: Really?
I really do. (SHUSHES) Hold on. I got to tell you something. I’m Disgruntled. It’s me. I’m Disgruntled.
LARRY: (GASPS) You’re kidding. You wrote that shit?
I wrote it. Did you notice it was all the stuff we’ve talked about?
LARRY: You tacked that thing up like you were Martin Luther.
But no one can ever know. I’ll get kicked out of the club.
LARRY: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna say a word.
Oh, I’m not worried about you. I’m just saying no one.
LARRY: It’s the best thing you’ve ever done in your life.
JEFF: You think so?
LARRY: Yeah, I do.
Have I done any other good things?
LARRY: No.
JEFF: So this is the only one?
LARRY: This is the only decent thing.
JEFF: I’ve ever done?
LARRY: You’ve ever done.
(WHEEZES)
LARRY: Yeah.
Well, I’m Disgruntled.
SUSIE: What are you guys talking about?
JEFF: None of your business!
LARRY: Yeah, what is that?
Come on!
LARRY: You know what?
JEFF: Hmm?
LARRY: That should be on your tombstone, “I’m Disgruntled.”
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: So, I took in this Black family after Hurricane Katrina, and the guy’s still-he’s still living there.
Still here?
LARRY: Yeah. I-I’m sure he’s around somewhere.
Well, that was really big of you, Larry. You’ve become a… kind of a liberal darling.
LARRY: Oh-ho!
They love you on MSNBC, I’ll tell you that.
LARRY: Liberal darling. Get the hell out of here.
Huh? Huh? So you knew, Larry, when you handed out that bottle of water, you were breaking the law?
LARRY: (SCOFFS) Yeah, of cour– What, are you kidding? Of course, yeah.
And you’re gonna plead not guilty?
LARRY: Absolutely. It’s such a stupid law. I mean, how could I do anything but that? I’ll take it to the Supreme Court if I have to.
WILLIE GEIST: Supreme Court?
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
All right, well, I think this is gonna work pretty well. You and I’ll talk in the interview. Be loose like this. You tell your story.
LARRY: Okay, yeah, just like this. Okay. That’s the-All right.
I think, if it’s all right with you, we can do it here. There’s a lot of beautiful space.
LARRY: Great.
And I’ve been talking to a bunch of people. Everybody’s got something to say about you.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES)
Although one person did call you an asshole.
LARRY: Who? Who called me an asshole? Huh?
Could do it in here.
LARRY: What-Who-Who called me an asshole? I’m curious.
Put a fire in.
Larry, we’re not gonna do this, okay? I don’t give up my sources. I need you to respect my journalistic integrity right now.
LARRY: Journalistic integrity? Where’s the integrity of telling me that somebody called me an asshole? Is there integrity there?
It’s a small part of a larger story. I have to tell the full picture.
LARRY: But it’s a universal fact that everybody is called an asshole! I’m sure Mother Teresa was called an asshole by someone.
Oh, I doubt that, Larry. No.
LARRY: Oh, I know I don’t doubt it. Somebody must have said, “Oh, she’s so good. She’s so good. What an asshole!” Somebody must have said that.
Larry, please.
LARRY: “Oh, look at Miss Perfect helping the lepers.” You know, come on.
And I’m not giving you the source, so we can just drop it, Larry. That’s it! That’s it.
LARRY: All right, you know what? You don’t have to give me the source. I know who it was.
You don’t know.
LARRY: It was Ted Danson.
(SCOFFS)
LARRY: I just saw that. I just saw that.
No.
LARRY: No? That’s a tell. That was a look away. I saw it.
That’s not a look away. That’s a let’s move along. That’s it. It’s not Ted. That’s all I’m gonna say.
LARRY: Oh, okay. Forget it. I know who it was. (LAUGHS) I can’t believe it.
Who do you think it is?
LARRY: It was Troy. The Deaf actor at the club.
Troy Kotsur, the guy who won the Oscar for CODA?
LARRY: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I hit him with a golf ball because I couldn’t yell “fore.”
What?
LARRY: And I, I threw a bagel at him too.
What, do you think he signed to me that you’re an asshole?
LARRY: Totally. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Larry, let me ask you a question, as long as we’re talking about the club.
LARRY: Sure, yeah.
Are you Disgruntled?
LARRY: (SCOFFS) Disgruntled?
Yeah.
LARRY: You know about Disgruntled?
When a guy puts a note on the locker room door and there’s a fight inside the club, there’s something there.
LARRY: I am most certainly not Disgruntled… with a capital D. I’m disgruntled with a small D, Willie. How could you be a human being and not be small D disgruntled?
Well, you’re coming at me with some big D Disgruntled energy right here.
LARRY: I am not big D. Little D all the way.
You sure about that, Larry?
LARRY: Yeah, I’m sure.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Okay.
♪ (COMIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS) I’m excited. I feel happy we’re doing this as a couple.
LARRY: Mm, yeah. Yeah.
IRMA: Isn’t it?
♪ I have a structured settlement But I need cash now ♪
LARRY: All right, come on.
♪ I have a structured se-♪
LARRY: Hey!
What?
LARRY: Come on, stop singing that.
I can’t stop it.
LARRY: You put it in my head. I sang it yesterday in the car.
Sing it for me. Do the Valk-Do the other guy. I’ll be the woman.
♪ I have a structured settlement But I need c-♪
♪ Cash now ♪
(IRMA LAUGHS)
LARRY: ♪ Call J.G. Wentworth-♪
Okay. Hi, Larry.
Oh.
LARRY: Melanie?
Yes!
LARRY: Are you kidding me? What? I didn’t know I was seeing you.
Oh!
LARRY: I thought I was seeing Melanie Stainback.
Stainback is my maiden name, and I just kept it professionally because, you know, it was too much to change everything and confuse everybody. So Turner’s my married name, Stainback…
LARRY: (STAMMERS)
You know each other.
LARRY: Her husband was a writer on Seinfeld.
MELANIE: Yes.
LARRY: Hobie Turner.
Larry and I go way back.
LARRY: I’m sorry about this. It’s a total misunderstanding. We’ll just-We’ll just take off.
Oh, why? No, no, no. Let’s go.
IRMA: Oh, come on.
LARRY: What?
MELANIE: Larry, I promise, everything that happens in here is 100 percent confidential.
LARRY: So awkward, though. Come-You know.
Let’s go! (SNAPS FINGERS)
(SIGHS) Come on.
LARRY: Really, are you sure? I mean, it’s–
You want a mint?
MELANIE: No, no, no, it’s gonna be fine.
You must be Irma.
I am!
MELANIE: I love your necklace.
IRMA: Oh, what a beautiful office.
Also-Okay. There’s another thing he does. He has a thing about phallic-shaped vegetables.
LARRY: Get outta–
We’re in a-We’re in a market. I see him just stroking, stroking an eggplant.
LARRY: Are you insane?
I look around, he’s stroking cucumbers.
LARRY: Yeah, I’d eat a cucumber if it was square. I don’t care that it’s phallic shaped.
Bell peppers. All of this thing with food.
LARRY: Bell peppers? What are you bringing this up for?
She doesn’t care!
Larry, it’s all right. This is a safe space, I promise you. We talked about this.
Yeah. Does your husband have a very low-hanging scrotal sac? A lot of guys do.
LARRY: Oh my God.
IRMA: How long is it? When he goes to the bathroom in the night, can I just say…
LARRY: No, you can’t just say!
I hear them slapping on his thighs.
LARRY: Get–
It sounds like, you know…
LARRY: Get the hell outta here.
…a flip-flop in a Mexican resort.
LARRY: This is just nonsense.
Just like a boom, boom.
But that concerns me about you.
LARRY: Is this why we’re in therapy?
It drives me crazy. I want–
LARRY: So you could bring up long balls? Okay! I know her husband! You know, you’re embarrassing me!
MELANIE: Oh, no. In this room, I am not your friend. I’m not your coworker’s wife. I am your therapist. Okay? It looks like our time is up. We should go to lunch.
Great!
MELANIE: I know Hobie would love to see you. It’s been such a long time. We could catch up, and… How’s this Sunday?
IRMA: Yes! You’ll come to the club and be our guests.
Oh, great.
IRMA: Yeah.
Wouldn’t that be fun?
Yeah?
MELANIE: Larry?
He’s always free. (CHUCKLES)
Wonderful.
IRMA: It’s good for him too.
You know what? I’ll put us all on a text chain. We’ll just, you know, we’ll work out the details.
IRMA: Oh, terrific.
Wonderful meeting you. So, next–
On Tuesday.
Yeah. Same time next Tuesday.
Yeah, that’s great for us.
Oh my gosh.
SUSIE: What are the odds?
LARRY: Huh?
IRMA: What? (LAUGHS) Oh my God.
She’s wonderful.
SUSIE: Good.
I mean, she’s not a magician, what with you two, but you know.
And you two are so good, huh? What’s that dig?
He’s never fucking home. I mean, he is never home. He’s at the club day and night, and I don’t really mind. I’m perfectly happy to have him gone. But the issue is, he hates the fucking place. Can I tell her about the letter? He wrote a letter.
No, no.
He wrote a whole long list.
No. What the fuck are you doing? Do not go into my letter.
This is a place where you talk talk about what’s private, Jeff!
Yes. This is a…
SUSIE: He wrote a letter, and he won’t even sign his own name! He signs, “Disgruntled.”
I was disgruntled! And I don’t want to talk about the letter anymore. No more letter.
Okay. Well, like I said before, this is a completely safe space, and if Susie wants to talk about this, we need to talk about it.
(DISTANT SNEEZE)
Anyway, I just-You know, I’m at my wit’s end, because–
What’s going on over there? You guys hear the sneeze?
Uh, I don’t think so.
JEFF: I just heard a sneeze. If I heard the sneeze, they can hear us. Who’s-Who’s over there?
No, no. Um, I think it’s a doctor’s office.
And another thing. I’m all about warmth and closeness and intimacy. He’s a cold fucking fish. He never wants to cuddle. I mean, what kind of person doesn’t want to cuddle with me?
(DISTANT SNEEZE)
Oh, wait, I heard that one.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SUSIE: What are you doing? What are you doing?
JEFF: I don’t know-Velcheck? Ugh.
SUSIE: What? Who is he?
JEFF: He’s the guy in the next office! He’s best friends with Takahashi. He heard everything we said.
So what?
I’m gonna be outed as Disgruntled. You had to talk about the letter! Ah!
I thought the whole session was very helpful!
Arnold Velcheck, right there on the board, next office over.
Velcheck, from the club?
Yeah. And Susie yammered on and on about the Disgruntled letter.
LARRY: Wow.
Now I don’t know for sure if he heard that, but I wish I could get in there and see how much you can hear and what it’s like.
LARRY: Hey. Suppose I make an appointment for you to go to this urologist. At the same time, I’ll make an appointment with my couples therapist, and see if you can hear what I’m saying.
I’ll do that shit. Of course. I got one question. What’s a urologist?
LARRY: Pfft. It’s nothing. You pee in a cup. You fill out a few forms.
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: But mainly you’re seeing if you can hear what I’m saying in the office next door.
I love peeing in cups. You know what I’m saying? I like peeing in big-ass bowls, but I’ll pee in a cup.
I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I appreciate it.
LEON: I’ma show up in there– Do I gotta pre-drink water before I go over there?
LARRY: I mean, usually one can urinate when given the cup.
You can pee in a cup on demand?
LARRY: Anytime. You give me a cup, I’ll pee in it any time of the day.
Well, you give me a bowl, I’ll do the same fucking thing. Yep. I’ll tell you one thing. The man that makes corn chips on the cob is gonna be a fucking billionaire.
Corn chips on the cob?
Mm. (MUNCHING)
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
IRMA: How long did you write on Seinfeld, Hobie?
I wrote on the show for, uh, four seasons and, uh… Two with Larry, and then two after Larry left.
But you came back for the finale, though, didn’t you?
LARRY: Yeah.
I never watched any of them. I don’t watch TV. I don’t watch…
Really?
I don’t watch mov-I’ve never watched the Oscars.
LARRY: She’s never watched the Oscars.
HOBIE TURNER: Never?
LARRY: It’s amazing.
IRMA: I’ve never…
LARRY: Oh my God, what an achievement.
IRMA: …ever…
Good morning, everyone.
MELANIE: Oh.
LARRY: Oh, it’s 10:50. We’re 10 minutes before the breakfast cutoff.
You are today, Mr. David.
LARRY: How ’bout that? Yeah. They can make a breakfast before 11:00 but not after. After 11:00, the technology eludes them. Can’t be done. She just can’t do it.
Are you all ready to place your orders?
No, it’s too fast.
WAITER: Okay.
I haven’t even looked.
No problem.
LARRY: No, no, we’ll order.
What? I’m not ready.
LARRY: It’s breakfast. It’s just eggs. Pick out something.
MELANIE: Okay, um…
IRMA: You go. You go.
You know what? I’ll have the Belgian waffle, please.
Got it.
MELANIE: Thank you.
Scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns.
LARRY: I’m gonna have the omelet.
WAITER: Ah, yes. Your eggs.
LARRY: Yes, and… I’ve got some bread back there.
We’re aware of your bread, Mr. David. And for you, ma’am?
Uh… (BABBLES) I don’t know. Pancakes.
Yeah, uh…
Pancakes. Good choice.
LARRY: Thank you.
But I’m not-But I’m-Ugh.
LARRY: Pancakes. They’re fine.
I don’t know. I mean, you’re hurrying me. I don’t know.
LARRY: Oh, stop it. Once they get here, you have to order, because you’ll never get ’em again. When they’re at the table, you gotta take advantage of it.
Let’s have a toast.
LARRY: Oh, of course. Yes. Let’s-Come on. Why go a meal without a toast?
And I want to make a toast to my sobriety.
HOBIE: Oh, hey.
Fifteen weeks today.
LARRY: Nine more to go.
What?
LARRY: Oh, um… You know, until you’re in the clear.
No, it’s a lifelong thing. It’s a-You know, it’s a– You keep working at it. I have a disease.
LARRY: (GROANS QUIETLY)
I hit bottom so badly.
LARRY: Yeah.
I walked into the council chamber naked, and all I remember is the air on my nipples and the looks of admiration and horror.
LARRY: Yeah. We’re gonna eat.
And that was my bottom. But now, 15 weeks.
HOBIE: That’s so good to hear.
Well, Larry, how are you hitting ’em these days?
LARRY: You know what? Great off the tee. I’m really hitting it long.
That’s why they call him Long Ball Larry.
(LAUGHTER)
MELANIE: Just kidding, Larry.
HOBIE: That’s a good one.
That’s gonna stick. Long Ball Larry.
(IRMA CLEARS THROAT)
Ugh. This is like sort of cotton wool with sugar.
LARRY: Pancakes.
Mm. It’s not what I wanted. I should’ve gotten the eggs. I was rushed into pancakes.
LARRY: I didn’t rush you into pancakes.
You rushed me into pancakes.
LARRY: I did not.
You did.
I’ll trade with you if you want. I don’t mind.
No, you don’t have to.
No, it’s nothing. It’s nothing.
IRMA: Okay.
LARRY: He’s happy to do it.
IRMA: Oh, thank you.
LARRY: Yeah.
IRMA: That’s nice.
LARRY: So nice.
IRMA: Oh.
It’s the least I can do.
Mm. So I’m happy now!
(HOBIE LAUGHS)
MELANIE: It is really good.
IRMA: Yeah.
HOBIE: Yeah, this is.
LARRY: Something’s off with these eggs. They’re not my eggs.
IRMA: What?
LARRY: No, I know my eggs. My eggs are organic. These are not organic eggs.
Well, hey, I’m not switching with you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
LARRY: Miss, excuse me.
Yes, Mr. David?
LARRY: Something’s amiss with the eggs.
What-what do you mean?
LARRY: I mean, they don’t taste like my eggs.
I can assure you those are your eggs.
LARRY: I know that you were a little upset the other day when I got breakfast after 11:00. Maybe you got a little breakfast grudge?
No, I can assure you…
LARRY: Oh, really?
I do not have a breakfast grudge. The chef does not have a breakfast grudge.
LARRY: I feel like you got a little breakfast grudge.
(TAKAHASHI CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry, Mr. Takahashi.
Hey, funny guy, don’t bring your own eggs here.
LARRY: Your eggs are just-They’re not organic.
Eggs are eggs.
LARRY: Eggs are not eggs.
Oh. Are you Disgruntled?
LARRY: No, I am not Disgruntled.
Oh, yes.
LARRY: No.
You always walk around with scowl on your face…
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
…and mumbling to yourself.
LARRY: Yeah. Oh.
(MUMBLES)
LARRY: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that’s you.
LARRY: Yeah. I do scowl. And I will admit to muttering.
TAKAHASHI: Yeah.
LARRY: But I am not Disgruntled.
(GROWLS)
♪ (JAPANESE FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES ABRUPTLY) ♪
And don’t bring bread!
Hold on. Hey, come on. What are you doing? You’re gonna get kicked out of your club over a couple eggs?
Excuse me, ma’am. Sorry to stop you. My name’s Willie Geist.
Yes.
LARRY: Be right back.
What about the facilities? Is the building holding up?
Well, as long as the ladies’ card room is–
LARRY: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I talk to Willie for a second?
Well, we’re–
Hey, Larry.
LARRY: Uh, it’s kind of important.
He was just getting– Sorry, I wanted a selfie, but never mind.
LARRY: What are you talking to Nora about?
Just a little background, a little color for the story.
LARRY: Is she the one who called me an asshole?
(CHUCKLES) Larry, don’t ask me to give away my sources. You know I’m not gonna do it.
LARRY: If I were you, I wouldn’t believe a word she says. She’s been divorced four times. She’s a pathological liar.
Oh, come on, Larry.
LARRY: And she burned down her house to get the insurance money.
She’s a very nice woman. And matter of fact, Larry, the more I talk to her and the membership of this club, the more I think there is a story here. This Disgruntled thing. It’s big.
LARRY: Let me tell you something, Willie. The people in this club don’t appreciate some reporter coming from New York with their fancy shoes and 100-dollar haircut and, uh, asking…
This is 21 dollars at Supercuts.
LARRY: …asking a lot of questions.
Disgruntled has everything. It’s juicy.
LARRY: You’re looking for juicy? I got juicy for you.
What do you got?
LARRY: Follow me.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: And they switch my eggs.
This is the story? In here?
LARRY: Because-Because I– I had breakfast after 11:00.
Whoa! Hey! Sorry, members can’t be in the kitchen. Hey, no members in the kitchen, please.
LARRY: This is Willie Geist from NBC News.
Big fan, man.
LARRY: We have a couple of questions we’d like to ask you.
He does. He’s got some questions.
Okay.
LARRY: Are you making the eggs I bring in?
Oh, you’re, yeah, breakfast-at-11:30 guy. I know you. Yeah.
LARRY: Yeah.
I used your eggs. And you know what? Just so you know, breakfast at 11:30 kinda screws everything up back here for us.
LARRY: So what’s so hard about making an egg after 11:00? You crack an egg, you break it, and then you cook it. So what?
If it’s so easy, put on the little hat and get back here then.
LARRY: I can make an egg, I know that.
Oh, you can? Then why do you come in here?
LARRY: Are you writing this down? Where’s your pad?
Me? No.
LARRY: Yeah.
No, I’m…
LARRY: No?
Nothing. Not a word.
Thank you, Willie. Goodbye.
LARRY: What is that? Those are my eggs.
CHEF: Those are not your eggs. They’re just other eggs.
LARRY: Those are not my eggs? What are they doing? Two eggs off to the side like that. Willie, you seeing this? There’s two stray eggs.
Two egg-What’s a stray egg?
LARRY: Look.
Oh, you can’t just-Hey, pal. What are you doing?
LARRY: Okay. Okay, these are not the same color eggs.
Oh, really?
LARRY: Yeah. This one’s caramel colored, and this one has an almond sheen. You see this, Willie?
Yeah. Two brown eggs.
LARRY: No, not just two brown eggs. One’s caramel colored. One’s an almond sheen.
A sheen? I don’t see a sheen on this.
LARRY: There’s a sheen. Yeah.
Eggs don’t even have a sheen.
LARRY: Eggs have a sheen.
No sheen here.
LARRY: There’s a sheen, Willie!
All right, thank you. Goodbye.
LARRY: What? Oh, that’s it?
Goodbye. That’s it.
LARRY: Okay, fine.
That’s it.
LARRY: You’re gonna be on television, okay?
Oh yeah, what were you filming with, your handkerchief?
LARRY: We’ll be back. Willie.
Sorry about all this.
LARRY: We’re coming back. And by the way, by the way, I’d like my bread.
Takahashi threw that away.
LARRY: Takahashi threw it away?
Yeah.
LARRY: Okay, I’m not leaving until I get my bread.
Get out of the kitchen!
LARRY: Okay, I’m leaving.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
That was the story?
LARRY: Yeah! What do you mean?
Larry, there’s no story there.
LARRY: Don’t you see what’s going on!
WILLIE: There’s no story.
LARRY: They’re not making my eggs!
And, you know, can I say something? Your husband’s wonderful. That he would just give me his eggs. You have a lovely relationship.
MELANIE: Oh, thank you.
I noticed how he cared about you, how considerate he was. I wasn’t enjoying my meal, my pancakes, because I was rushed into pancakes. It wasn’t what I wanted to choose.
LARRY: I didn’t rush you into the pan–
You did rush me into pancakes.
LARRY: No, I did not. And it wasn’t up to him to give her his eggs.
(THROUGH WALL) It would’ve been up to me. It wasn’t his business…
DR. VELCHECK: Mr. Black. I’m Dr. Velcheck. How are you?
Dr. Velcheck.
Yeah. So, what brings you in here today?
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, you’re an expert on pee.
That’s what a urologist is, yeah.
What do you know about, uh, urine?
An awful lot. It’s pretty much the same thing.
Mm. Are you having any trouble urinating at night?
(CHUCKLES) Hell no. Sometimes I get a little lazy once in a while. Sometimes I pee right in the condom, and I’ll just take it off, tie a little knot in that motherfucker and throw it in the trash, and keep on fucking.
Okay. Well, Larry, Hobie was trying to extend a courtesy that wasn’t being extended by anyone else, specifically you.
LARRY: I know what he was trying to do but it wasn’t right for him to do that. It wasn’t his place. He overstepped his bounds.
It was your place, and you weren’t doing it.
LARRY: Yeah! That’s right, I wasn’t doing it. I think Hobie wanted pancakes!
All right, Mr. Black, time to start the exam.
Yeah.
Pull your pants down.
What?
I think you’re upset with Hobie because he’s a better person than you.
LARRY: Is that what you think? I’ll tell you what.
I think so. Because he–
LARRY: I’m upset with Hobie…
Because he is a gentleman.
LARRY: …’cause he’s full of shit!
And because he respects women!
LARRY: ‘Cause he wanted pancakes, and he was jealous of her pancakes, and when she didn’t want the pancakes, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on them!
Motherfucker!
DR. VELCHECK: Don’t move! Get back down!
(LEON SCREAMING)
LEON: What the fuck are you doing, man?
DR. VELCHECK: I’m checking your prostate!
LEON: You ain’t no piss doctor! You a ass doctor!
DR. VELCHECK: Mr. Black, out, please.
LEON: You don’t do that shit to people, man!
LARRY: I feel like we’re not alone.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: The fuck are you doing?
(DOOR SLAMS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
LARRY: You know, I wasn’t afraid to give that woman the water. (SCOFFS) I don’t live in fear, Willie. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m not afraid of the cold. Say I’m gonna take a shower and there’s no hot water. Yeah, I’ll take the cold shower. I’ll get in there. Am I disappointed? Yeah, of course. Of course I’m disappointed. Still, I’m gonna get wet. I’m gonna go under. A lot of people won’t go in that cold shower.
And this applies to the story with the bottled water in Atlanta… how?
LARRY: Willie, let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a fresh egg from a chicken?
I have.
LARRY: Ah. Have you ever had a fresh peach off the tree?
I have. So, in Atlanta, you see the line of voters, you get the water…
LARRY: Yeah, I wanna tell you a story. I wanna tell you a story. My whole life, I hated strawberries. Hated ’em.
Strawberries?
LARRY: Strawberries. Hated ’em. Wouldn’t eat ’em. Couldn’t eat ’em. And then one day, I had a fresh strawberry right from the ground.
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: Changed my life. Never tasted anything like it. I was judging strawberries, but I didn’t know the strawberry. It’s like people, Willie. You don’t really know them until you taste them.
That’s great, Larry. Uh, thank you so much. I think we have what we need on the strawberries.
LARRY: Yeah, you good? How ’bout a boysenberry? You ever had a boysenberry?
There’s a lot of fruit out there, and I think we’re bumping up against our time, and I kind of see us going all the way down the produce aisle, so I’m gonna stop you there.
LARRY: Where’d you have that boysenberry?
It’s not interesting. I had a boysenberry. I don’t remember where it was.
LARRY: Maybe Vermont? Vermont? New Hampshire?
I don’t-Maybe.
LARRY: They’re big on boysenberries over there.
Okay, enough with the fruit.
LARRY: I think I had…
WILLIE: I do have one last question for you, Larry, before I let you go.
LARRY: Sure.
Are you, Larry David… Disgruntled?
LARRY: Sorry to disappoint you, man. I’m not Disgruntled.
I think we have what we need. Yeah? Great. This was great.
LARRY: Oh, oh! Yeah. All right. (SIGHS)
You think I can use the bathroom, Larry?
LARRY: Of course. Yeah. Right there.
Yeah? Between us, and I’ll spare you the details, I’m having a little… (INHALES) …you know… You know a good urologist in town? I’d love to see him before I head out.
LARRY: You know, as a matter of fact, I do.
You’d connect us?
LARRY: Absolutely.
Okay, great. Thanks, Larr. Appreciate it.
LARRY: Willie, what other fruits, uh, come from the ground besides strawberries?
WILLIE: Oh, thank you, Larry. Thank you.
LARRY: Strawberries, is that the only one? Huh? Is tomato a fruit?
Hey, how’d the interview go?
LARRY: You know. Okay. Let me ask you a question.
Yeah.
LARRY: Have you ever eaten a strawberry from the ground?
No, I get ’em at the grocery store, I wash ’em.
Hey, Larry. What the hell? You can’t talk to my wife like that.
LARRY: Talk to your wife like what?
You can’t give her a hard time in your sessions. I hear you’re busting her balls all the time.
LARRY: (SCOFFS) It’s very unethical for her to be talking about something private that I said to her with you.
She’s my wife. Of course she’s gonna talk to me.
LARRY: You’re not entitled to that information!
Oh, she doesn’t tell me everything. She tells me certain things.
LARRY: She shouldn’t tell you anything!
And matter of fact, she did tell me a little something about how you didn’t like the fact that I gave my eggs to your girlfriend the other day. What the hell’s with that?
LARRY: We know you wanted the pancakes. I know you wanted the pancakes.
I didn’t. I could care less.
LARRY: You wanted the pancakes, Hobie.
Okay, you know what? You’re just being this Disgruntled dick right now. I’m getting a lot of… big D Disgruntled energy from you.
LARRY: No. You’re getting small D disgruntled energy.
Larry David’s Disgruntled, everybody.
LARRY: Hey, can you shut up about–
Larry David’s Disgruntled!
LARRY: Hey.
I knew it! Ha! I knew it! You are in big trouble, because you are Disgruntled!
(SURPRISED CHATTER)
I’m Disgruntled!
What, you?
JEFF: Yes.
I’m Disgruntled.
I’m Disgruntled.
I’m Disgruntled.
I’m Disgruntled.
I’m Disgruntled.
CLUB MEMBERS: I’m Disgruntled.
I’m Disgruntled, too.
ALL: I’m Disgruntled.
(GROWLS) Baka!
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Oh, hi, honey.
Hey. You ready to grab a bite?
Uh, yeah, and a bourbon. I have Jeff and Susie Greene coming in at 2:00 p.m., and they are a shit show.
HOBIE: Speaking of shit shows, I just came from Ocean View. It’s getting fucking weird over there, all right? I don’t know what’s going on, but everybody’s walking around going, “I’m Disgruntled!” “No, I’m Disgruntled!”
Oh my God. But Jeff is Disgruntled.
No, everybody over there is saying it.
No, but I mean, Jeff caused it. He wrote a letter listing all of his complaints about the club and signed it “Disgruntled.”
HOBIE: (THROUGH WALL) Jeff Greene is Disgruntled?
MELANIE: Yes.
(HOBIE LAUGHS) Shit! Are you serious? You’re sitting on a gold mine.
Jeff Greene…
MELANIE: You have no idea.
…is Disgruntled.
Wow. I thought it was Larry David.
WILLIE: Me too.
HOBIE: (LAUGHS) Are you serious? The chef at the club is eating all of Larry’s organic fucking eggs? I knew it!
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
