Original air date: February 11, 2024
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♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GROANS) Be honest with you… (EXHALES SHARPLY) It don’t bother me so much in the daytime. It’s at night when I lay down and go to bed. I can’t sleep. I toss, I turn. (SIGHS) It’s hell.
LARRY: Do you eat a lot of dairy? Milk, cottage cheese, sour cream?
Yes, all of it.
LARRY: I’m not a doctor, but it sounds to me like you might have a lactose allergy or a lactose intolerance.
(GASPS) Really?
LARRY: My suggestion is that you cut out dairy from your diet…
(SCOFFS)
LARRY: …completely.
It’s gonna be tough, I love cheese.
LARRY: Hey, who doesn’t love a delicious Camembert on a cracker? Come on.
“Camden-bear”?
LARRY: Camembert.
What the fuck is that?
LARRY: It’s a-it’s a soft cheese.
I ain’t ever heard of that shit.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s very good.
I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, man. It’s gonna be tough. It’s all I eat.
LARRY: I know it’s hard. I had to give up Marcona almonds.
Is that like a nut?
LARRY: Yeah, delicious. That with some truffle oil and sea salt. Tremendous.
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
LARRY: Eh, okay.
Larry David, you’re free to go.
LARRY: All right, okay!
Oh-ho! Look at you.
Lawyer’s here.
EMMETT: Stay in touch, buddy. Good to meet you.
Mr. David. I’m Joe D’Angelo. I’m an attorney. Your manager Jeff sent me.
Hey, Larry. Let me give you my number, man. We can stay in touch, you know?
LARRY: Hey, you got a phone on you?
JOE D’ANGELO: Sure.
LARRY: Mind taking his number down?
JOE: His number?
LARRY: Yeah.
EMMETT: 404-892-8042.
Okay.
EMMETT: Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
EMMETT: Hit me up sometime, Larry.
LARRY: Sure.
EMMETT: Take it easy, buddy.
Thanks, fellas. Let’s go.
OFFICER: All yours.
JOE: Listen, Larry. May I call you Larry?
LARRY: Y-yeah, sure.
JOE: Okay. Listen to me, Larry. Okay, I got you out on an R.O.R. They’re releasing you on your own recognizance, okay?
LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.
What’s-what’s wrong?
LARRY: Nothing.
Okay.
LARRY: I didn’t know it was against the law to give someone a glass of water.
(CHUCKLES) Welcome to Georgia, my friend.
LARRY: All right, look, all I wanna do, all I wanna do is plead guilty and go home. I want to get the hell out of here.
That’s the plan. You plead guilty. I get you out of here by Monday with a slap on the wrist. Okay?
LARRY: Okay. Hey, let me ask you this.
JOE: What is it?
LARRY: So, this guy flies me out here to make an appearance at his birthday party.
JOE: Right.
LARRY: And now he’s not paying me.
Let’s stick with this criminal case, okay? And then we can sit down and maybe talk about…
LARRY: Yeah, I know, but you could see how upsetting the whole–
(SUPPORTERS CHEERING)
SUPPORTER 1: Yeah, Larry! You’re a hero.
LARRY: Oh!
SUPPORTER 2: We love you, Larry!
LARRY: Look at this.
(ALL CHEER)
Looks like you’re some kind of liberal darling. Huh?
LARRY: Ah. Get the hell out of here. Come on.
That’s right.
LARRY: Look at you.
How could I not be here for you?
LARRY: Oh, what a pal!
I got an Airbnb for us. I got all your luggage there. You are all set.
LARRY: Hey, this is uh…
Joe D’Angelo.
Yeah, we spoke on the phone.
How are you?
Joe.
JOE: Yes.
JEFF GREENE: Yeah.
Nice to finally meet you.
Nice meeting you too.
A pleasure.
JOE: Yeah, definitely.
Thank you for helping us out.
Oh, sure. Listen, I’ll tell you what I tell all my clients. Don’t worry. You’re in good hands. Nice meeting you, Jeff.
Weird.
LARRY: It’s-it’s unbelievable. It’s insane.
He looks just like Mocha Joe.
LARRY: Have you ever seen an uncanny resemblance like that in your life?
JEFF: No. No. I never saw him. I only talked to him. He was recommended. He was like the best.
LARRY: But I have a natural antipathy towards him because of Mocha Joe.
Yeah. I’m so sorry that I hired him.
LARRY: Still-still the hair dye, still going with it, huh?
Oh, come on. I like it. I do.
LARRY: I don’t think you do.
JEFF: I like it.
LARRY: I know you don’t. (CHUCKLES) I know you don’t. You’re not being honest with your pal. That’s okay. Let’s go greet my public.
(SUPPORTERS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
LARRY: Hello! Thank you. So nice of you.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Ah. So, this is our rental?
JEFF: Yep.
LARRY: Oh, this is uh, this is interesting.
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: I actually read this in jail last night in the Scientific American. That for thousands of years humans have been putting on their shoes using their index finger as a shoehorn.
Uh-huh.
LARRY: And in some kind of Darwinian way we’ve adapted and the index finger, in a couple of thousand years, it’s gonna look like a shoehorn.
The fuck are you talking about? Shoehorn?
LARRY: No, look, you can see it’s getting flatter.
They look like the other fingers.
LARRY: (LAUGHS)
What are you talking about? I think it’s Bullshit American, that’s what I think. Bullshit American.
LARRY: Looks like a shoehorn. What? What is this doing on the lawn?
JEFF: It came with the house. You think I put it on the lawn? We didn’t know it was there until we moved in.
LARRY: Oh, that’s-that’s awful.
Terrible.
LARRY: That’s awful. Well, I-I can’t stay in a house with that thing there.
MIKA BRZEZINSKI: (ON TV) A bottle of water!
I mean it’s an outrageous law, Willie, but come on. You gotta take your hat off to Larry David.
Mm-hmm.
It had to be done, and-and damn it, he did it.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh, hey.
LARRY: What’s-what’s-what’s with that thing out there?
SUSIE GREENE: What thing?
LARRY: The lawn jockey?
Oh, I know. Well, it-We’re in the South.
LARRY: My God!
That’s what they have.
LARRY: Oh, come on. We gotta-we gotta get rid of that thing.
You’re not getting rid of it.
LARRY: I can’t stay in this house with that thing outside. I’m not comfortable.
This is an Airbnb. I gave a security deposit. Just leave it the fuck alone. You see what’s going on here?
JOE SCARBOROUGH: It’s a courageous stand.
Yes.
You know, maybe it’s not Rosa Parks on the bus, but you know, this is pretty important.
LARRY: Oh, this is amazing.
SUSIE: Yeah.
I don’t wanna get all preachy about this, but you go back– What did Jesus say?
Yeah.
“I was thirsty and you gave me water.” That’s what Larry did here. And I’m just wondering, are Republicans, like, really going to push getting this guy sent to jail?
SUSIE: You go, Larry.
How about that, huh?
LARRY: Wow.
This story gaining momentum, too. Political figures, celebrities across the country reacting to Larry David’s brave stand.
Larry David is about action, not words. He saw an injustice and he did what he could to right it. And that’s what we need today in America.
SUSIE: It’s a cause célèbre.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Larry David took a big risk.
Oh my God.
SUSIE: Yeah.
He put his name and his body on the line.
You’re like a hero or something.
LARRY: Wow!
Involvement. That’s Larry David’s middle name. Larry “Involvement” David.
Can you believe that?
LARRY: This Larry David they’re talking about seems like quite a fellow.
He is.
Well, that guy is.
LARRY: He’s really something.
But we know better.
You must be exhausted.
You want a cup of coffee? I got coffee made.
LARRY: That would be great. Thank you very much.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
LARRY: Hey, what’s, uh, what’s going on with Hulu?
Uh, 11 o’clock tomorrow morning, we got a Zoom call.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Tomorrow you have a Zoom call?
JEFF: Yeah, we got a Zoom call.
I don’t think so, Jeff. You’re gonna have to change that. What the hell’s the matter with you?
Oh, shit. It’s your birthday.
SUSIE: Yes, exactly. No Zooming on my birthday.
LARRY: Oh, w-wait.
No work on my birthday.
LARRY: No work?
SUSIE: No.
LARRY: What? No Zooming? What is that? A national holiday?
Well, it’s-it’s a sacred day for Jeff and me.
LARRY: Is he allowed to go to the bathroom? Can he go to the bathroom?
Yes, he can go to the bathroom. And you can do whatever the fuck you want.
LARRY: Oh, don’t worry.
But Jeff is mine all day.
LARRY: Yeah, like he’s ten years old? Come on.
You know, if I wasn’t born, think the whole world would be shit.
LARRY: You know what? If this was that movie with, uh, Jimmy Stewart…
It’s a Wonderful Life?
LARRY: Yeah. And the angel was taking you around, nobody would give a fuck. (LAUGHS)
Very funny. Getting you coffee.
This is just insanity.
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
And you know what? I gotta get her a gift. I don’t know where to go, what to get her. You know, it’s always a disappointment, and I don’t wanna break the bank. It’s so frustrating.
LARRY: What a thing to go through. You have to think about another person. It’s just terrible.
Yeah.
LARRY: This is a possibility for you.
Hmm?
LARRY: You don’t wanna spend too much money.
Yeah.
LARRY: And yet you wanna make her happy.
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: You get two gifts, but you only give her one and see how she reacts to the one. If you see she’s a little disappointed ’cause it’s just one, then you bring out the second. If she’s happy with the one, then you return the second.
How did I not think of that? So simple. Look at that.
LARRY: Thank you.
JEFF: Wow. Thanks.
(SHOUTING) What the fuck? What is that, man?
LARRY: Yeah, I know. It’s terrible. It’s terrible.
LEON BLACK: You know? You guys had to walk by him when you came in?
No, we walked by there.
Well, I-I don’t know. I just saw it for the first time two minutes ago.
You fist bumped this motherfucker?
JEFF: No, we don’t fist bump.
Hey, what’s up?
LARRY: You know what? Let’s put it in the garage. This is crazy.
You wanna?
Perfect. Let’s do it. Okay.
LARRY: Yeah, let’s do this.
Jeez. Get him the fuck out of here.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(ALL GRUNT)
LEON: This is heavy, man. What the fuck? Are you guys doing anything?
JEFF: Yeah, I’m holding it.
Whoa!
LARRY: Oh!
JEFF: Are you okay?
LARRY: Oh, shit.
(SIGHS)
LARRY: Oh, man.
JEFF: Come on.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
LARRY: Oh, man.
JEFF: Look what you did.
LEON: What I did? I knew you would say that shit. I had the heaviest part.
You two weaklings–
LARRY: You got the heaviest part? You volunteered for the heaviest part.
You did it.
LARRY: You said you wanted to stay in the back!
What’re you talking about?
JEFF: You caused it.
What the hell happened? What the hell? What did you guys do?
LARRY: We had an accident.
Yeah.
Why did you even move the fucking thing? This is not our house. All right. Well, you’re gonna have to just find another one. ‘Cause I am not eating the security deposit. You hear me? Go buy a new one. Right now. The exact same one!
LARRY: Can we do it on your birthday?
SUSIE: Jesus.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
LARRY: All right. I’m gonna take a shower and then we’ll… How are we gonna find one of these things?
Don’t forget, we gotta get Susie’s gifts.
LARRY: Yeah, the gifts. Right, yeah.
All right?
♪ (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JEFF: This is so damn overwhelming.
LARRY: Oh my God.
I don’t know what to get her.
LARRY: Yeah, I don’t envy you.
This is an impossible–
Hey, you’re the guy that gave that lady the water.
LARRY: Right, I’m the guy.
And you’re the guy wearing a sweater tied around his motherfucking neck.
(LARRY LAUGHS)
How about that?
JEFF: Hey, right there. Look at this place.
LARRY: Let’s do it.
JEFF: Let’s do it.
(SIGHS)
LARRY: This really looks like a Susie store. Look at this stuff. It’s pretty horrible. What about this thing?
Hey! Hey!
Fucking perfect.
I’m going over to Sunglass Hut.
LARRY: Really?
I’m getting gift number one. You two scout for gift number two. All right. See you in a minute.
Yeah. Okay.
LARRY: This is stupid. What?
This is her shit.
LARRY: I’m looking to shop for Susie? This is insane.
LEON: What do you buy a person who already has bullshit like this bullshit?
LARRY: Hey, you know what? (SIGHS) I got a big job.
Oh. Okay, okay.
LARRY: I gotta drop kids off at the pool. You think they have a bathroom here?
Oh, they have a bathroom, but you can’t use the bathroom unless you buy something. That’s how they do it.
Ugh.
LARRY: Hello, gentlemen.
LARRY: Oh, hey!
Hi, may I help you find something?
LARRY: Oh, no, you know, we’re just browsing.
We just got some gorgeous wide brimmed hats.
LARRY: Oh! Fedoras?
Yes, fedoras.
LARRY: Oh, I love a fedora. Yeah.
Would you like to see any or–
LARRY: Uh, y-you know, uh, I’m wondering, do you have a-a restroom I-I could use?
Oh, you have to use the restroom?
LARRY: Yeah.
Right now?
LARRY: Kinda, yeah.
Um, yeah. Right this way.
LARRY: Oh, thank you.
Mm.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: (SNIFFS)
(TRASH CAN CLANKS)
LARRY: (SNIFFS)
Look who showed up. Susie. (LAUGHS)
LARRY: Let’s go.
Excuse me. Is there anything else I can help you with? I know you were interested in the fedoras. I can show you those.
LARRY: Yeah, you know, on second thought, um… I don’t think so.
Well… (CHUCKLES)
…the restroom is for paying customers only.
LARRY: Well, I browsed with intent to buy, but unfortunately, I didn’t really see anything that was of interest to me.
In your previous condition, how much would you have paid to use the restroom?
LARRY: Five hundred?
Five hundred? Wow.
LARRY: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I cannot believe I found a pair. But I found the perfect pair for her.
LARRY: Fantastic.
I got mine. What’d you guys come up with?
(BOTH LAUGH)
LARRY: What did we–
Come up with?
LARRY: Well, we…
It’s gonna be–
LARRY: We’ve been browsing–
All over the store.
LARRY: And we’ve come up with… that purse.
JEFF: That purse! That’s perfect. Thank you, both!
LARRY: Yes!
Wow! Great call.
LARRY: Yes. We found that in the store. See? I’m a customer.
No, he’s a customer. You’re just his friend who pooped in our toilet.
♪ (PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WOOD CREAKING)
(EXHALES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Can I help you find anything?
LARRY: Oh! Hey there.
How you doing?
LARRY: Good. Um… interested in buying a, uh… a lawn jockey they’re called, right?
Yeah, that’s exactly what they are. Yeah.
LARRY: Yeah. A lawn jockey. Yeah. I noticed that they’re all pretty much the same… you know, ethnicity.
Mm-hmm.
LARRY: Wondering if, perhaps, you have any, uh… darker ones?
Darker how?
LARRY: Black?
You-you want a Black one?
LARRY: It’s not what you think. Okay? It’s not– It’s not what you think. It’s a long story. Uh…
Yeah, it’s like 400 years long.
LARRY: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Starts in Nigeria.
LARRY: I, uh, believe me, I have the same aversion to them as you do. Um…
But you’re looking for one.
LARRY: Yeah… (CHUCKLES) …again, it’s a long story. I have nothing to do with it. I just have to replace it, really. Um…
So you already had one?
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Uh, okay, uh… You know, this one, this one looks very similar to the… you know, the… the…
The Black one?
LARRY: The Black one. Let me ask you this question. Do you sell… black paint?
No. No, we don’t have black paint here.
LARRY: Shoe polish?
No, we don’t have any shoe polish, we don’t have any tar, we don’t have anything like that.
LARRY: Mm-hmm. Okay. You know what? (CLICKS TONGUE) I think I’m gonna get that one. And, uh, I think I can work with that.
It’s white.
LARRY: Yeah. (SIGHS) I know. Something about him, too. I can’t put my finger on it.
Why didn’t you go to a paint store?
LARRY: I looked. I couldn’t find a paint store that was open.
Susie will be here any minute. What are we gonna do?
LARRY: Got any… shoe polish?
I don’t have shoe polish.
♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What are you looking at?
LARRY: Pretty good.
JEFF: This is great. Great idea. Susie’s here.
LARRY: What?
Let’s go.
(LARRY GRUNTS)
JEFF: Fuck!
LARRY: Hey.
Oh!
JEFF: Hi.
LARRY: Hey, hey.
Okay. Hey.
Let’s see.
LARRY: Huh? Yeah.
Hey.
Okay. It’s the same?
LARRY: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I brought the–
You sure?
LARRY: I brought the head with me. Yeah.
You brought the head with you. Huh. Hmm.
(SUSIE EXHALES SHARPLY)
All right. You’re off the hook.
JEFF: We are off the hook.
Don’t do any more stupid shit. The three of you.
LARRY: No, no more stupid shit.
SUSIE: Wasn’t eating that security deposit.
No. Yeah.
LARRY: Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
JEFF: How about that?
(LARRY CHUCKLES)
How about them apples? Great! Great!
LARRY: All right. Let’s clean this shit up.
All right.
LARRY: So, for thousands of years, humans have been putting on their shoes using their index finger as a shoehorn.
SUSIE: Right.
LARRY: And, in time, our index fingers have been…
(LARRY LAUGHS)
JEFF: Happy birthday!
For me?
LARRY: Oh-ho! Oh, baby doll! Oh, baby!
Sunglasses? Wow.
LARRY: Fantastic.
You like ’em?
I like ’em. Let me look at ’em.
She likes ’em.
LARRY: She likes ’em.
Let’s see how they look on. I do like ’em.
LARRY: Let me see, let me see. Turn– As many women from Long Island would say, “To die for.”
SUSIE: That’s true. And you know what? It’s a nice memento of our trip to Atlanta.
Yeah, birthday gift.
I-I– I love them. You did good, babe. You did good. Yeah.
Thank you. I did good.
(PHONE NOTIFICATION DINGS)
SUSIE: Ah, the texts just keep coming in. The birthday wishes.
LARRY: Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.
JEFF: What’s the matter?
LARRY: Oh, it’s… I hate to bring this up, but I got this, um… meeting with my lawyer now, and…
Oh!
All right. Go. We’ll see you later.
LARRY: Yeah, I mean, the problem is, I can’t really go alone ’cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Oh.
LARRY: If I could bring Jeff-I know it’s your birthday. I’m sorry to ask, but this is important and– and I just need him there for support.
You do realize it’s her birthday?
LARRY: I know it’s her birthday. I tried to change it to another day, but he said the papers had to be filed by today.
All right, all right, all right. You know what? (SIGHS) This is real life. This is important. You go. Be-Come right back!
Back before you know it.
What is it, an hour? Hour and a half?
LARRY: It’s not gonna take long at all. I promise.
Oh, Sammy just called.
LARRY: Oh, by the way… the upshot of the article?
SUSIE: Yeah.
LARRY: That in thousands of years, our index fingers are gonna resemble shoehorns. Check it out. You can see it. You see the shape of it? Look. Flat.
♪ (PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, yeah!
Unbelievable, right?
LARRY: Look at this. This is expensive too, huh?
Yeah. Hey.
LARRY: Yeah.
You were right. Thank you.
LARRY: Let’s go return it.
Oh! Another fucking gift? You two sneaky cocksuckers. What’re they doing with that? Fucking idiots.
Excuse me.
(LARRY SIGHS)
JEFF: I’d like to return this.
SALESMAN: You wanna return it?
Yes, please.
Hmm. You feel comfortable with this?
LARRY: I feel comfortable? What are you– What are you talking about?
After what you did?
LARRY: What-what did I do? I didn’t do anything. Oh, I used the bathroom. What a crime I committed! I used their precious bathroom. Hey, this isn’t even mine. I’m not even the customer. He’s the customer. I didn’t buy it.
Yeah, exactly. You weren’t a customer. And you had no intention of ever being a customer. You just go into random stores and use them as your public restroom.
LARRY: All right. Okay. It’s enough! Okay? I’ll buy something. Okay? Will that make you happy?
Yes.
LARRY: What? What can I buy in this store?
I have just the thing. I think this would bring out your eyes.
LARRY: Oh.
JEFF: Mm-hmm, does bring out your eyes.
LARRY: Really?
SALESMAN: Let’s try it on. Fabulous.
This is amazing.
LARRY: It’s not the kind of thing I would generally wear, but…
No, it works.
I’ll ring it up. A Southern gentleman.
Poppin’.
LARRY: I’ll take it.
Yeah.
LARRY: Brings out my eyes.
That’ll be 650.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: All right. This won’t be long. I’ll text you when I’m done.
All right. Well, good luck to you.
LARRY: Okay.
Tell the lawyer I said hey.
LARRY: Okay.
And I thought I was gonna faint, you know? And when I told him how thirsty I was, he just went to the car and got me a bottle of water.
I understand.
And it really made me feel so much better.
I understand.
See? Thank you, baby.
JOE: And how long would you say you were on line at the voting?
It was over two and a half hours.
LARRY: What a disgrace.
Okay, so look, as your attorney, I just wanna be above board. And, when we get in front of the judge, you’re going to plead guilty, correct?
LARRY: Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Larry. Uh-uh. I thought that you was gonna help us fight this evil law.
LARRY: Uh, well…
You gonna plead guilty? What you mean you gonna plead guilty, Larry?
He has to plead guilty.
No! Larry is here to help us fight for our cause.
LARRY: Well, yeah. I am gonna fight. You know, I’ll fight it in my own way.
So what you mean is you’re gonna do it no way. Larry. Larry, Larry, Larry.
LARRY: I don’t wanna go to jail!
Larry, people are thinking you a hero. I thought you were better than that. I really did.
(SIZZLING)
I smell s-Leon, I smell something burning.
(METAL CLATTERS)
You better not be throwing no spaghetti up in my ceiling.
We ran out of spaghetti sauce, so I had to use ketchup.
AUNTIE RAE: Boy, what are you cooking over here?
LEON: I’m doing the best I can with just Heinz ketchup and spaghetti!
You’re still pleading guilty, right?
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
(SIZZLING)
Good. (SLURPS, EXHALES) Man! This woman’s coffee. Have you had this woman’s coffee? It’s amazing. You know, I wanted to ask her where she got the beans, but… I, uh… It’s gotta be the beans, you know? It’s the beans, like my old man used to say.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All about the beans. You don’t have the beans, you don’t have the coffee. (CHUCKLES) You like coffee, Larry? Hmm? Try this coffee. Have a sip of this coffee, Larry. Good coffee is all about the beans. I’m gonna ask her where she get these beans. You don’t have the beans, you don’t have the coffee. You want a cup of coffee, Larry? Have a sip of this coffee. Have you had this coffee, Larry? You like coffee, Larry?
LARRY: (SCREAMS) (GROANS) I c– Can’t do this anymore.
What’s wrong?
LARRY: You remind me of someone I detest. Sorry.
♪ (LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(DOOR SHUTS)
How’d it go?
LARRY: (SIGHS) Fired the lawyer.
Mocha Joe?
LARRY: Mocha Joe.
Is it a million degrees or is it my imagination?
LARRY: It’s unbelievable.
It’s scorching.
♪ (DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
LARRY: I cannot believe this weather. Is it hot here? This isn’t-Crazy.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
LARRY: Yeah.
Something you wanna tell me, huh?
LARRY: What?
Where have you been?
LARRY: Um… well, I went to the, uh, lawyer.
SUSIE: The lawyer?
LARRY: Mm-hmm.
You went to the lawyer. Uh-huh. With a gift box, you went to the fucking lawyer?
LARRY: Well, it was just a show of my appreciation.
Appreciation.
Oh, really? And how did Perry Mason like his gift?
Liked it.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he liked it.
Yeah.
You are so full of shit, both of you. ‘Cause I saw you on the video up in the tree house taking that box out. What do you got? Like a Georgia whore who you’re giving gifts to?
No Georgia whore.
Yeah. Well, who the fuck was that gift for? I saw you all taking it out and all, “Oh, look, I got it. I’m all excited.” And you two high fiving. Who was the gift for?
You.
You think I’m gonna believe that bullshit? Then where is it?
I returned it.
You returned it?
It was expensive.
SUSIE: So what?
Well, you– you liked the first one, so the second one was unnecessary.
SUSIE: You couldn’t give me two fucking gifts? What was it?
A purse.
SUSIE: So on my birthday, you spent your day returning my birthday gift. Oh, that’s a wonderful use of time, both of you. Oh my God. Oh my God. What’s going on here? What the fuck is this?
LARRY: Hair dye.
All right, you two. You have really gone too far this time. Go out and get me a Black jockey right now! You better fucking find one. And I want that purse back too.
LARRY: It’s Giuliani! No wonder I thought he looked like an asshole.
SUSIE: Just go!
LARRY: Giuliani!
Go! Go! Go! Now! It’s my fucking birthday. You’re ruining it.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: All right, Leon. Where do we go?
You gotta ride a little further out if you wanna find one.
LARRY: All right. Well, direct us. What should we do?
LEON: Just keep fucking driving. I’ll tell you where to fucking turn.
Look, this whole Black lawn jockey shit is bullshit anyway. You know, it should be something more respectable. Like a fucking Black lawn doctor with a stethoscope around his fucking neck.
LARRY: Totally!
Giving motherfuckers checkups and shit.
LARRY: That’s perfect.
O-or-or a fucking lawyer holding a briefcase and shit.
LARRY: Yeah.
Oh, look, right there. Look, look, look, look.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s good.
LARRY: Hi, good afternoon. I’m wondering, uh, if you might be interested in selling your lawn jockey.
No.
(DOOR CLOSING)
RESIDENT: No!
Get out of here!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Yeah?
LARRY: Good afternoon. I’m so sorry to bother you.
I recognize you.
LARRY: Ah.
You’re the wing nut that came down here and is messing with our elections.
LARRY: Yeah. Yep. That’s me.
What the hell you want with my lawn jockey?
LARRY: My sister’s an avowed racist, and she’s very sick. I thought this might cheer her up.
That sounds familiar.
LARRY: Nothing. No luck.
Well, what are we gonna do? We gotta do something. Who you calling?
Oh, hell! Larry! What are you doing, big guy?
LARRY: Hey, Emmett.
EMMETT: Hey, listen, I gotta tell you something. I cut out dairy like you said, and everything is better in my life. I feel like a million damn dollars.
LARRY: That’s-that’s fantastic.
EMMETT: It’s all ’cause of you, Larry. I just can’t thank you enough. I wish there was a– a way I could repay you somehow.
LARRY: Actually…
Yeah. Be careful, it’s fragile.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
Got it. Now slide it that way. Pull the bottom down that way.
It’s bottom heavy. It should be fine like that.
There we go. Thank you, Emmett.
Yeah, no problem.
LARRY: Thanks so much.
Hey, my pleasure. Larry, I’ll tell you, ever since I– I quit this lactose business, I’m turning over a new leaf. That little statue I got from the church?
LARRY: Yeah.
That’s the last thing I’m ever stealing.
LARRY: Stay right there.
EMMETT: What?
LARRY: Don’t you move.
All right. The hell’s this?
(PAPER BAG RUSTLING)
Whoa! What the hell is–
LARRY: Go ahead.
This for me?
LARRY: Try it on.
You got-(LAUGHING) Oh, shit!
LARRY: There you go.
Whoo! Good Lord.
LARRY: You know, you do Larry David a solid, that’s what you get in return.
God almighty, man. Woo-wee!
LARRY: Wow! You are a real Southern gentleman.
Fits perfect.
LARRY: Great to meet you.
Pleasure meetin’ you.
All right, boys. Y’all drive safe, all right? You come back to Atlanta any time. (LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Ah! Pastor, y’all having a good time?
BROOKE: Yes, Miss Rae.
Listen here now. I want y’all to eat as much as you can, all right? (LAUGHS)
Sure will.
Chester, you better put some more ribs on this plate. One rib. What are you thinking, boy?
Yes, ma’am, I got ya.
AUNTIE RAE: All right, I’m coming.
LARRY: God, look at all these people.
LEON: Yeah, church barbecue.
JEFF: All right. See you later.
AUNTIE RAE: Hey, Leon!
Hey!
Listen, is-is Larry with you?
(LAUGHS) Larry’s right there.
AUNTIE RAE: Hey, Larry! Come on, Larry. Come on. Get out the car.
LARRY: Hey.
Everybody, this is Larry David. Give him a big round of applause, y’all.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
AUNTIE RAE: Say, “Hi, Larry.”
LARRY: Hello, everyone.
Larry. See all these people? They love you. I know you not gonna disappoint them.
LARRY: No, we-we–
AUNTIE RAE: So come on. Uh-uh.
Get out that car and get you something to eat, boy.
LARRY: All right. Okay, I’m coming.
All right. Okay. Give him another big round of applause, y’all.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Larry David. Yes!
LARRY: Least I could do.
(LAUGHS) Oh, uh, Jeff, right?
JEFF: Yeah.
Come on and get you some too. You know what? I want you to meet Pastor Sherman, okay?
LARRY: Yeah. Hey, would it be okay if I use the bathroom?
Oh, absolutely. Right through there. Go ahead.
(COUGHS)
Hey, you see this guy right here? That does not look like his jacket. Let’s light him up.
(COUGHS)
(POLICE SIREN BLARES)
What the hell is this? You gotta be kidding me.
Where you get this jacket, sir?
What? It was a gift.
A gift? Why is the tag still on there, sir?
Honestly, I didn’t know it was on there.
Let me see your driver’s license.
Shit.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Come with me.
What?
You’re under arrest.
This is bullshit, man. What the fuck? Ow! I didn’t fucking steal it!
OFFICER: Get in the car, sir.
It was from my friend Larry.
OFFICER: Yeah.
Some crazy old man I met in jail talking about almonds. Come on. Fuck!
Hey, Jeff. How you enjoying them ribs?
They got a kick to them. You know that? Ma’am, they’re delightful.
I’m glad you loving them. Chester, I need you to box up some more of those ribs so that Jeff can take them home with him.
Coming up.
(AUNTIE RAE LAUGHS)
Ah, Larry David. Larry David. I’m Pastor Sherman.
LARRY: Pastor Sherman!
Pleasure to meet you.
LARRY: Nice to meet you.
(LAUGHS) Come on. Let me introduce you to the congregation.
LARRY: Oh, no, no.
Uh, Saints, listen, listen.
GUEST: Listen up.
PASTOR: This man!
(LARRY CHUCKLES)
This man is an inspiration.
Oh, yes.
LARRY: It’s gone a little overboard.
You see, Larry David… Or-or-or should I call you Larry Daniel?
(CROWD AGREEING)
Because just like Daniel, he walked into the lion’s den without fear.
LARRY: You know what? I like the sound of that. Larry Daniel. Maybe I’ll change my last name.
(CHEERING)
PASTOR: You see, like Larry is that powerful man today for the Black community here in Atlanta.
LARRY: What the… Hey! Hey, hey! Oh, no. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t. No!
(CROWD GASPS)
CHESTER: What the fuck?
(ANGRY CLAMOR)
CHESTER: Motherfucker’s got a lawn jockey!
What is wrong with you, man?
It makes me sick!
LARRY: Oh, no, no, no!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Get out of here, man.
(SHOUTING)
LARRY: Hey, hey! It’s not mine!
CHESTER: Bye, Larry!
Mr. David, uh, you’ve been charged with one count of obstruction of the election process in the state of Georgia. And if you’re found guilty at trial, you’ll be subject to a fine of 10,000 dollars and up to a year in prison. How do you plead, sir?
LARRY: (SIGHS)
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Not guilty.
PASTOR: Oh!
(CONGREGATION CHEERING)
Now, that’s the Larry David I know!
Trial set for 90 days hence. Next case!
That’s why I already made a big ole pot of those put-yo-foot-in-it greens, and I got some of that shotgun shoot-it-‘fore-they-run-now spicy fried chicken!
(CHEERING)
PASTOR: You know I’m going.
AUNTIE RAE: We going back to the house!
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
