Bob’s Burgers – S14E09 – Fraud of the Dead: Zombie-docu-pocalypse | Transcript

Bob's Burgers - S14E09 - Fraud of the Dead: Zombie-docu-pocalypse

Original air date: December 3, 2023

Presented as a home movie being filmed by the Belcher kids, the episode begins as a documentary about Louise’s superhuman archery skills. The documentary is interrupted when an off-looking Teddy starts banging on the front door while moaning incomprehensibly. When he attacks Mort the Belchers realize he’s a zombie. More zombified neighbors appear and try to get in, so the Belchers barricade themselves in, along with Rudy, Ollie and Andy, whom they rescue. Andy turns out to be a zombie, and infects Ollie. Louise discovers the zombies’ weakness is mustard while the zombies start to break through the barricade. Bob and Linda sacrifice themselves holding back the zombies while their kids escape. The zombies grab Rudy but Louise fails to use her archery to save him, revealing she faked her skills for internet fame – her arms aren’t strong enough to draw back the bowstring. The Belcher kids stock up on mustard and hide in Louise’s bedroom. When the zombies break in Louise discovers she can use her legs to draw back the bowstring. She manages to kill the intruding zombies (including her parents) but when her arrows run out the zombies overpower them. The kids ultimately survive because they’re covered in mustard. The home movie ends and Belcher family, all watching from the couch, are proud of their kids’ movie.

* * *

♪ ♪

[eerie keyboard music playing]

[Tina] Louise Belcher,

the myth, the legend, the fourth grader.

And just possibly, the best archer in the world?

I first encountered her online,

performing incredible trick shots,

and I was like, “Whoa.”


[Tina] With millions of views and a rapidly growing fan base,

this Internet hotshot is right on target

to become the most famous archer on the planet.

In her mostwatched video by far, she performs

this nearmiracle of a shot, which she calls

“The OfftheWall Flipparoo HowDoYouDo.”

Oh, wow.

[Tina] But for many of us captivated

by her amazing talent,

the question remains: “Who is Louise Belcher,

and how is she so good?” which is actually two questions.

Louise works here, with her parents,

in this dingy diner in a shabby seaside town.

Our documentary crew who is unrelated to her

in any way because she is an only child

visited her here, to see firsthand

how Louise is able to pull off her incredible shots,

and to learn more about the woman behind the bow.

Or bowhind, um, if you will.

Before I was a worldclass archer not my words,

just repeating what I see in the comments on my videos.

Anyway, before all that,

I was, and still am, just a girl whose family runs

a weirdsmelling burger restaurant.

[Tina] [sniffs] Yeah, I’m getting that. Is that normal?

It’s normal, but it’s not on purpose.

But yeah, even though now I’m famous

and people everywhere envy me, I lead a humble life.

I go to school, I work here, I refill ketchups and mustards.

I don’t mind the ketchups, but I’m not a mustard person.

And I don’t respect people who are.


So interesting.

Anyway, back to archery. How’d you get into it?

My mom and dad bought me an archery set as a present.

It’s kind of the best thing they’ve ever done for me.

They finally figured out how to be good parents,

and I’m proud of them for that.

We told her, “Please never shoot it in the apartment,

or the restaurant.”

II don’t know why we aren’t enforcing that rule.

I think it’s fun.

I like a little indoor restaurant archery.

That’s our thing now.

And burgers. Also, burgers.


[Tina] So how long have you been archerying now?

Oh, gosh. Huh.

Bababa, hmm. A month, at least?

And you’re already so good. Wow.

Wait, Gene, let me give you another “wow.”

Wow. Okay, yeah, let’s use that one.

That’s for the documentary about this documentary.

Everyone’s doing those now. It’s called a “doubledoc.”

Or a “turdocen.”

[Gene] I call it a “stalku docurockumentary”

for reasons that will become clear when I release

my rockopera podcast about the making of this doc.

Have I properly introduced my bow?

This is Greta Garbow.

[Tina] Yes, you have

introduced us to Greta. A few times.

We’ve got enough of that.

Do you want me to do

a cool slowmotion walk again?

No, I think we’re good.

You know we actually do the slowmo in editing.

You don’t have to walk that slow.

Right. Right.

[Gene] I liked it.

[Tina] Also, this is our third day of shooting,

and we already have so much footage of you walking

and talking about your bow and to your bow.

But she’s so strong and pretty.

What? Oh, sorry.

She’s strong and pretty and thoughtful and funny.

Okay, maybe we get some shots of you actually shooting?

Finally? Not to be pushy, but let’s definitely do that.

Okay, sure, but you’ve got the videos I made, right?

The ones that everyone on the Internet loves?

Maybe you can just use those?

Yeah, that’s not gonna

Also… [sighs]

my arm is feeling kind of creaky today.

I, uh, hurt it doing homework last night.

I should probably cut that out.

[Linda] No.

Yep, yep, uhhuh, no problem, just, uh…

we seem to be shooting a documentary about an archer

and we have no archery shots.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

[Gene] Maybe if I do a lot of zooms, nobody will notice?

Like this: whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

[banging on door]


Oh, it’s Teddy. Hi, Teddy. It’s locked.

We’re closed, Teddy. Does he look weird to you?


[Linda] Not too much more weird than usual.

Teddy, we’re closed. We’re cleaning up.


[Gene] He’s hangry.

[Tina] Well, we can’t film with all this noise.

Should we tell him he has to leave? He won’t like it.

I don’t know if he knows there’s other restaurants.

[Tina] What’s wrong with him?

Should I shoot some of this as Broll?

We already got so much of this guy eating earlier,

but I guess it’s something.

Oh, hey, Teddy. I think they’re closed.

Judging by the closed sign. [chuckles]

[Teddy growls]

[Linda] Oh, God!


[Bob] Teddy!

What are you doing? Stop eating Mort.

He’s never done that before, has he?


I mean, he did growl at Mort that one time

for sitting on his stool.

[Tina] Oh, my God.

Is he undead? Is he a zombie?

Oh, no, more zombies! It must be a zombie apocalypse!

[Linda] Aw, nuts.

[Gene] Ugh, and I’m wearing this?

[Tina] Yeah, this could be very not good for us.

But, I mean, if it’s gonna happen,

we’re in the safest spot we could be because we’re with

one of the best archers in the world.

[Gene] Who? Oh, right, Louise.

The one we’re doing the documentary about.

[Tina] Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we’re so safe.

Phew, am I right? [chuckles]

[Tina] Yeah. [chuckles]

So, so safe.


Yep. Yep. Yep.

Should we cut the cameras?

Focus on surviving this whole deal?

Cut the cameras? Are you crazy?

A zombie apocalypse is exactly

what this snoozer of a doc needed.

Now we can get you shooting all the zombies with arrows,

saving our lives and stuff.

I mean, I’m sorry that Mort guy got eaten.

Sorry, Mort guy. But, you know, he’s gonna be in a movie, so…

Uhhuh. GrGreat.

[Gene] Should I keep rolling?

Yes, keep rolling. But don’t get eaten.

But if you do get eaten, you know, try to keep rolling.


Sounds good.

Okay, fine, but we don’t know what’s going on out there.

This might not even be zombies.

This could be, like, rabies or something.


[Tina] Pretty sure he just said “brains.”

Okay, so they’re zombies. Clearly, this is zombies.

[Linda] Yep.

[Bob] Yeah.

Seems like it is.

Poor Mort. Poor Teddy.

Uh, might be poor us, too.

I’m feeling like this glass is not zombieproof.

[Tina] It’s pretty thick, right?


[glass cracks]

Oh, my God.

[Tina] Sorry.

I guess not so thick.

[pounding on glass]

[Gene] Ooh, that beat’s funky.

[Gene beatboxing]

♪ Duggadugga, duggadugga, duggaduggado… ♪

Go away, zombies. Nobody wants you here.

What do we do? Cover the windows?

Barricade ourselves in?

What can we use?

[Linda] Burgers?

[all] What?

Fine. Buns?

Uh, tables?

[Tina] That’s a great idea.

Right. Yes, uh, that’s fine.

Uh, let’s take apart the tables,

because it’s a zombie apocalypse.

[Louise] Yeah, Dad, we’re taking apart the tables.

[Bob] No, I know, I know.

II’m just, it’s… it’s a lot.

But, uh, okay, let’s do it.

Too bad we can’t hire Teddy to help us.


What do you say, Teddy,

one last handyman job?



We’ll figure it out.

We’ll use kitchen utensils as tools?

[Gene] Great idea.

♪ ♪


[Gene] That seems like enough barricading.

You don’t want to overbarricade.

I don’t hear anything. I think they left.

And if zombies do get in, Louise will protect us

with her amazing archery skills.

Yeah, but we really don’t know how to kill them yet.

Maybe they love being shot by arrows.

Maybe it’s like a deeptissue massage for them.

[Tina] Oh, no, isn’t there a back door? Should we barricade that?

It’s steel, aand locked. I checked it.

This is the only way in here. And we do have food and water.

We should be okay. As long as we don’t have to open this up.

[pounding on door]

[Rudy] Open up! Open up!

[Bob] Oh.


[Andy/Ollie] Let us in!

[Louise] Andy and Ollie? Are you zombies?

No! We’re running from them!


We just finished boarding this up.

Tell them to run to the back door.

You there?

[Rudy] We’re here!

[Louise] He’s there.

Wait, but what if

there are zombies eating him?

That’s why I got the frying pan.

If there’s zombies, I’ll pan ’em.

Why don’t you show us on Dad what you’re gonna do to them?

I was gonna go like this.


And then I was gonna come down hard.




Everybody ready? One, two, three.

Thank you!

Thank you!

[Tina] Any zombies out there?

[Bob] I don’t see any.

All right, let’s lock this back up.


[Tina] Holy crap. Who is that?

[Andy] That’s our brother. He wants to eat us.

He’s a zombie now.

He sure is.

We’re gonna be Dad’s new favorites.

Dad’s dead.

Oh, yeah.


[Tina] Damn.

[Bob] Uh, closing this.


[Bob] Tina.



Okay, so, we’re in a zombie apocalypse situation.

And we’re not sure how to kill them.

Some of us say arrows.

Some of us are weirdly insistent that it might not be arrows.

But I feel like we should give it a shot,

so to speak. [chuckles]

I’m freaking out. I don’t want to die.

Or undie. How long do we have to stay here?

What if we run out of food?

We’re in a restaurant, Rudy.

My mom and dad are making all of us burgers right now.

Oh. Hi.


Okay, I’m cool.

I am the cool guy you do not regret letting in. [chuckles]


Oh, my God, what’s that smell?!

That’s just the way our restaurant smells.

Okay. That’s fine. That’s great. I’m doing good.

[Ollie] My poor sweet Andy.

You got bit.

Just a little.

Am I gonna turn into a zombie?

If you do, promise to bite me first,

and then we’ll both be zombies.


And if anyone asks about the bite,

we’ll just say that you work in construction

and it’s a hazard of the job.

He works in construction!

I work in construction!

It’s a hazard of the job!

It’s a real job that I have!

[Gene] Okay, bros.

[objects crashing]

[Bob] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Tina] How did they break through that? We did such good barricading.

[Gene] It’s like the zombies don’t even appreciate

how long it took us to do all that.

[Linda] Kids, go to the basement!

There’s some crap down there that we can use

to reinforce this, I think.

There’s, uh, an old mop and, uh, a lot of toilet paper.

What are we gonna do with toilet paper?

I don’t know.

[Gene] TP their houses?

I’ll go. Rudy, Andy, Ollie, come with me.

[both] Yay!

[Rudy] Wow, you’re excited.

We like going places.

I get it.

[Tina] Gene, go with them.

Help, but keep filming. Uh, but also, help.

Filming is helping.

Grab anything you can.



Andy, what’s wrong? Is your zombie bite acting up?

Zombie bite? Did you say “zombie bite”?

I said “construction site injury.” That’s what I said.

Uh, it sounded like you said “zombie bite.”

I heard that, too.

Well, that’s ridiculous.

I think it’s happening!


[Louise] Oh, crap.

[Gene screams]

Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!


[Gene] Yep, yep.


Is that aa fun nickname, ’cause you think I’m smart?


Yep. Ow! I love you.

Ow! Love you. Ow! Not the ears.



Okay, basement is offlimits now.

We locked it, but yeah, two small zombies in there.

So how’s it going here?

It’s going really well.


Louise, do something, with the pointy sticks

that you can shoot really fast through the air.

That would be helpful.

Uh… [grunts]


I don’t know!



I don’t know.


Stop judging the things we’re throwing at zombies!


[Louise] Ha!

[Tina] Huh.

[Rudy] Zombies don’t like mustard.

Of course they don’t. Who does?

[Bob] Mustard is great.

Don’t start this argument again, Louise.

Agree to disagree.

[Linda] I hate to interrupt,

but I think you kids should make a run for it.

Oh. Yeah. Uh, okay.

Uh, your mom and I are gonna stay here and, uh,

hold these guys off, and wewe got this.

Uh, this is no problem, but you should all go, really fast.

Well, what about my really cool mustard breakthrough?

Too many zombies.

[Gene] TMZ.

[strains] But it was a really good breakthrough.

Go! Maybe out the back door and make a run for it!

Oh! The fire escape.

Back door, get on the dumpster,

get to the ladder of the fire escape somehow,

lower it, get everybody up and then pull it back up?

[Gene] Can you write all that down for us?


Uh, no.

Everyone, just go.

Go now. And, uh, we’ll, uh, we’ll meet you up there.

Okay, Louise?

Huh. Huh. Huh.

Oh, boy.

Sounds like a lot of climbing,

but all right.

Okay. We’ll see you guys up there.

[Bob] Yep.


[Tina] We have to go now!


[Linda] But if we’re not up soon,

don’t go to bed too late, and stay out of my room.

Hey, watch it!

[Tina] Wait for me!

I’ll climb up.

Someone else, come up and get on my shoulders.

Do you know how to lower the ladder?

[Louise] Of course I do. Do you know

how many fires we’ve had in our house?

A lot.

[Gene] Good for you?

Maybe hurry? Just to try that?

Get on my back.


Uh, hurry, hurry.

[Gene] Yes, please.

[Louise] Going as fast as we can.

Yep. Mmhmm. Yep.

[Louise grunts]

Okay, I’m up.

Climb up here.


[Louise] Watch out.

Thanks for the headsup, right after it happened.


[Louise] Quick, quick, quick!

Come on, Gene.

[Rudy] Oh, boy.



They got me!

[Tina] Louise, shoot him!

Shoot me? Why?

Not you! The zombie!

[Tina] Louise, shoot the zombie with your bow and arrow!

Oh, yeah, I’d be into that.

Uh, uh… [straining]

I can’t do it.

[Tina] What are you talking about?

I’m a fraud. I’m an archery fraud.

[Tina/Gene] What?

I can’t pull the string back.

I’m not strong enough. I can’t do archery at all.

[Rudy] I didn’t catch all that.

Zombies are getting kind of loud,

but are you gonna shoot the arrow soon?

Now’s good for me.


I’m sorry.

I’m a fraudy fraud pants.

I can’t do any archery stuff.

Okay, now I heard “I can’t do archery stuff.”

That’s disappointing.

[Tina] Give me that arrow.



I don’t know if it works without the bow part.

Use it like a spear or something. I don’t know.

Okay. [grunts]

[shouts] Brains!

He doesn’t seem to mind that I did that to him.

Isn’t that a thing? Getting them in the head?

He’s shaking his head no. [shouts]


[Louise] Rudy!

I’m so sorry.

[Rudy] Ow!

It’s fine. Ow! It’s my fault for being the slowpoke.

Ow! It’s actually not that bad.

[Gene] Really?

I mean, it’s pretty bad.

But I don’t want to be remembered as a complainer.


[Gene] At least he went peacefully?

[Tina] [grunts] Why didn’t you just

tell us the truth, Louise?

[Louise] I was embarrassed, okay?

It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’m really bad at archery.

Like, I can’t pull the string back

and I haven’t been able to do it even once.

So you just made a bunch of fake videos?

I was gonna make real videos, but that didn’t work out.

Because of the whole “being terrible at it” thing.

There was a lot of editing, come to think of it.

One time, I did sort of see a hand moving the arrow

through the air.


But, hey, it turns out arrows don’t kill zombies anyway,

so what are you gonna do?

I guess we’re safe up here.

For now?


[distant moaning]

[quietly] She seems pretty sad.

Yeah, probably because she let everybody die.

♪ I’m a fraud ♪

[Tina] Wait, what’s happening?

♪ I’m a phony ♪

Are you singing in a documentary?

♪ I’m a sham, a scam ♪

[Gene beatboxing]

♪ Yes, ma’am, and I’m full of baloney ♪

Okay, now Gene seems to be laying down a beat.

♪ But if you could see who I had hoped to be ♪

♪ The me that’s me more perfectly ♪

♪ Why can’t I be the me I want to be? ♪

[Tina] Okay, maybe we get back

to watching out for

♪ And in this world… ♪


Right. Right. Right.

[sighs] Focus.

[Gene] Uhoh.

They’re climbing up on the dumpster.

And now they’re reaching for the ladder!

[both moaning]

They might be figuring out how to give each other a boost.

[Tina] What? How?

They’re doing this thing.

For, like, here’s the church, here’s the steeple,

open the doors, look at all the people?

Don’t make this about religion.

Well, I mean, we know one thing they don’t like.

Paying taxes?


But you know who does? My parents.

Spicy, yuck. Honey, yuck. Yellow, yuck.

So many halfempty jars of mustard.

[Gene] They’re coming up fast!

Might’ve been too long on how you don’t like

each individual jar of mustard.

Sorry. Here, take these.

Squirt it on them!

[Gene screams]


[Louise] Ha!

How does that cut the mustard, you punk?

We condimeant to do that.

[Gene] Nice.

[grunts] Uh, we need to fall back.

We need higher ground.

[Gene] You mean the Stevie Wonder song?

Do we even have a CD player?

We need higher mustardsquirting ground.

[Tina] Where is higher mustardsquirting ground?

Follow me! Up there.

Can we lock the door?

I would’ve been able to lock the door

if my parents hadn’t made me take the lock off.

You lock yourself in your room to watch every season

of American Horror Story one time…

[Tina] Oops, my mustard.

Oh, no, one’s getting in.

Okay, so we’re not great at barricading.

[Gene] We’re barelycading.


[Tina] Hello.

I mean, I’m gonna squirt you now.

[air sputters]

That was the thing. It wasn’t me.


It wasn’t!

[air sputtering]

Crap, crap, crap.

[Gene] Uh, this isn’t good.

[Tina] Oh, God, I don’t want to get eaten.

I guess there are worse ways to go.

No, this is probably the worst.

Ugh, I don’t want to die!

[Tina] Wow.

[Gene] You want to get another one?

That was a little breathy.


Never mind. The first one was better.

Louise, you did it! What did you How did

I did it this way, which I’ve never tried before.

[Tina] Thank you.


If I let you get eaten,

who was gonna finish the documentary about me?

[Gene] I mean, I’m sure Rudy and Andy

and Ollie and your parents wished you figured out

that foot thing a little earlier, but that’s fine.


[Louise] Okay, sounds like we’ve got more company.

Gene, you squirt mustard here.

On your nice clean bedspread?

It’s not that clean.

Tina, you dip the arrows, hand them to me,

and I kill the bastards. Go, go, go, go.

By the way, how many mustard arrows are we allowed to eat?


Copy that.

[Louise] ♪ She’s good at archery now ♪

♪ She’s good at archery now, she’s good at archery now ♪

♪ She’s good at archery now ♪

♪ She’s good at archery now, she’s good at archery now ♪

♪ She’s good at archery now ♪

♪ She’s good at archery now, she’s good at archery ♪

♪ ‘Cause she’s using her foot somehow. ♪

[Tina panting]

[Tina] Is that it? Are we safe?

I hope so, because, um, I only have one arrow left.

[Tina] And we’re down to the last of the mustard.

And some of us showed a lot of restraint not eating any of it.

[Bob and Linda moaning]

[Louise] Oh, no. It’s my parents.

[Gene] They’re still a cute couple.

[Tina] You only have one arrow!

How are you gonna get two people?

Sorry, Mom and Dad. I love you, but I got to do this.

♪ ♪

[Gene] Any more zombies out there?

It’s okay if there’s not.

[Tina] You saved us!

I mean, you had to kill your zombie parents,

but you did your famous trick shot.

“The OfftheWall Flipparoo HowDoYouDo.”

For real! And you saved us.

[Gene] And we probably got a clean shot of it.

[objects crashing]


There they are. Darn it.

[zombies moaning]

Don’t you guys have a hobby?

[Mort] Brains.

Oh, right, brains.

Shoot. Um, listen.

Stay hidden. Barricade the door.

Better than we did before.

I’m gonna draw them away from here

and, I guess, go out fighting.

[Tina] Wait, what?

Don’t argue.

There’s no time.

I’ll tell your story.

I mean, I won’t, ’cause I’ll probably be dead,

um, but hopefully someone will?

Not Gene, ’cause if I’m dead, he’ll probably be dead, too.

[Gene] Yep.

But, you know, someone else?

Someone who’s great at editing and senses

what my incredible vision for telling this story was?

And hopefully isn’t into star wipes

or anything like that.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

[moaning and screaming]

[camera thuds]

[moaning and screaming fade]

Wow, that was… great.

Dark. Pretty dark.

Yeah, but so good.

It’s not done. Shh!

What? II thought

[Tina] Gene?

[Gene] Yeah?

[Tina] Did you get bitten?

No. Did you?

[Tina] No. Louise?

[Louise] [sighs] Yeah?

[Tina] Did they bite you?

No. I think…

No. They stepped on me a lot, though.

[Tina] Can you see if my camera’s still rolling?

Yep, looks like it.

So did all the zombies just leave?

[Louise] Oh, my God.

It must be because we have mustard all over us.

They didn’t want to eat us because of the mustard.

I don’t have it all over me.

[Tina] You have a little, um never mind.

Okay, new plan. We go down to the restaurant.

We get some more mustard and a few more arrows,

and, uh, [scoffs] we save the world.

[Tina] We do?

I have a thing to do later, but okay.

[Tina] Hey, Louise. Do you like mustard now?

No. I’m with the zombies on this one.

[Gene] Should we cover ourselves with chicken satay

and see if the zombies hate that, too?

What if we just get you some chicken satay?

[Gene] Mmm.

[upbeat keyboard music playing]


Love it.

It’s perfect. I’m so proud of my little

writerdirectorproducer stunt coordinators.

Sorry, we didn’t go with the “everyone dies” ending, Dad.

Totally fine. It’s just a genre standard

and a political statement, but I understand

you guys were probably facing pressure

from the studio.

This guy.

You give him a role, and all of a sudden

he’s giving notes.

It’s fine.

I love it. Mustard didn’t deserve

any of that, but I’m trying to overlook it.

I still don’t quite get why you didn’t just

make yourself good at archery from the beginning, Louise.

Well, that was the plan at one time,

when I thought I was gonna be really good at archery.

But turns out I couldn’t pull the string

back far enough to make an arrow go… anywhere.

I remember that day.

A lot of grunts, and then a lot of tears.




But then, we got the crew together,

and we had a meeting, and we said

we could either scrap production

or we could work this into the story.

And then we thought of the foot thing,

and then we knew we had our ending.

Which by the way, good for power,

not good for accuracy.

The arrow goes everywhere.

Hey, you guys were good, too, by the way.

Yeah, we were.

I still have mustard in my ear.

Or maybe that was from before.

Also, it was really nice of us to take apart

the entire restaurant for your barricade scene.

Uh, I didn’t see any mention of that in the credits,

but thatthatthat’s fine.

I think it’s coming up in the “special thanks.”

It just says “Ken.”

Oh, right.

Well, Ken’s sending this to his agent, so…

Also, did you thank Teddy, Mort, Rudy, Jimmy Jr.,

Andy and Ollie enough? Because they worked really hard.

They’re locked for the sequel. That’s where the money is.

And, oh, I’m so sorry that they had to be

part of a touching tale of how you can feel like

a failure and then overcome your weakness

with feet and determination.

And we’re having the cast and crew screening

tomorrow at the restaurant?

With free burgers? Right, Dad?

[Bob] Wait, what?

[Gene] It’s in your contract.

[upbeat keyboard music playing]

[Teddy] ♪ Brains ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Brains ♪

[Tina] ♪ It must be a zombie apocalypse! ♪

♪ ♪




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