Bob’s Burgers – S14E08 – Wharf, Me Worry? | Transcript

The Belcher kids spend a special day with Big Bob at the Wharf, where they get into trouble with its new fortune-telling giant clam.
Bob's Burgers - S14E08 - Wharf, Me Worry?

Original air date: November 26, 2023

The Belcher kids spend a special day with Big Bob at the Wharf, where they get into trouble with its new fortune-telling giant clam.

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♪ ♪

Hooray! Rainy day romp at Wonder Wharf with pop pop!

I’ve got my raincoat, I’ve got my least water-absorbent socks, I even had my prepop pop pee and poop.

Yeah, going to amusement parks when it’s sunny is for idiots.

A little drizzle means no lines for rides.

Sure, you might get struck by lightning, but at least we won’t be waiting in line when it happens.

Well, I’m looking forward to some quality time with grandpa.

I like how we enjoy the same ride intensity.

Less thrill, more chill.

Yep. You have the same taste in fun as a 75-year-old man.

Thank you.

Aw, they’re so excited about their day with Grandpa.

It’s sweet.



What? What is it, Bob?

It’s just, I–I hope my dad

Doesn’t do that thing he’s been doing lately.

What thing?

The thing where he talks

About how the world is terrible and it’s all gonna end soon.

Oh, right. That thing.

Food’s gonna run out.

This article says ten years, no more food.

Yep. Thanks.

With the melting ice caps,

Pretty soon Ocean Avenue will just be ocean.


Your grandkids aren’t gonna know

What a polar bear is. Or a tiger.

You go to the zoo, it’s just gonna be a gift shop.

Probably overpriced, too.


Hehe didn’t used to be like that.

It’s a getting-older thing, I think.

Like, he’s kind of getting ready to…

Leave the party, so he doesn’t feel bad about telling everybody how much the party stinks.

And everybody at the party will starve soon?

Well, you talked to him about it, right?

Sort of. H–he can be a little defensive.

So, dad, uh, you know how you can get

Sort of apocalyptic in a not-so-great way?

What do you mean?

You know, like how you watched that documentary

And you texted me, “Stop what you’re doing and go buy all the water you can right now because it’s gonna be gone soon”?

Oh, oh, you mean how I share helpful tipshat’ll save your family’s life?

Okay, never mind, got to go.

Buy water.


And rain barrels.


And write “not water” on it so your neighbors

Don’t steal it.

Got to go.

And today it’s just gonna be him and them.

And the cloud of darkness that follows him wherever he goes.

[door opens, bell jingles]

[big Bob] hi, everybody.

Hey, big Bob.

Hi, dad.

[Louise] pop pop!

[tina] grandpa!

All right, grandpa day at wonder wharf.

This mama’s jealous. I have to stay here

And work at this dumb ole place.

Just kidding, Bob.

That’s funny.

Pop pop, question: How much cotton candy

Is too much cotton candy?

Ah, I don’t know. Three?

Perfect answer.

If we vomit on a ride, can we buy more of the food

That we vomited?

Of course.

Well, I hope you all have fun.

And, uh, you know, just keep it light andand fun.

Okay, go, go, go.

Love you. Be good for grandpa.

What are you talking about? We’re always good.

And plenty. That candy was named after us.

[Louise] pop pop, scramble pan first?

That’s how we like to do it.

A great first ride. An appetizer.

We scramble and then we ramble. Sometimes we amble.

Or maybe the mole hill is a better appetizer?

Something gentle for the gentleman?

Tina, scramble.


Scramble me, baby!

Hey, you. I predict you will enjoy

Some fried clams.

Ohohoh, it’s clamstradamus.

Wonder wharf’s newest thing

That makes you feel uncomfortable.

What is it now?

It’s a talking clam that tells your future.

And I guess tries to get you to eat fried clams?

You there, in the red jacket. You look hungry.

Tell your grandpa you want fried clams.

Whoa. Is someone in there? There’s no room.

How’s he know this stuff?

He’s clamvoyant.

Yeah, they must have a camera.

Or a spy satellite? Is that it?

Is that how you do it?

I see all!

Like your brother picking his nose.


He probably says that to everyone.

I don’t like it. Don’t be so specific.

Come on, let’s scramble.

I want to feel centrifugal force on my innards.

Your innard skynyrds?


♪ wharfin’ with pop pop, wharfin’ with pop pop ♪

[Louise screams]

♪ wharfin’ with pop pop ♪

♪ wharfin’ with pop pop, wharfin’ with pop pop ♪


♪ wharfin’ with pop pop. ♪

Okay, grandpa needs a little bench time.

Here’s five bucks for each of you.

And make sure you spend it.

If you come back with money, you’re doing it wrong.

This is in no way related,

But, grandpa, did I mention how much I like your style?

Meet me back here in a half hour or so

And don’t get any tattoos that your parents can see.

Hey, linda.

Hey, teddy.

What you having?

I’m not here to eat.

II got a bit of an emergency on my hands.

But I’ll take a burger and fries.

What’s going on?

I need to ask you and Bob a huge favor.

No problem.

I mean, we should hear it first.

I need you to take a picture of me.

Like, a really good picture.

For the handy home website. You know that site

That has a bunch of handy folks and plumbers

And electricians on it for hire?

II thought it’d be a good way to drum up some extra business.

See, look at all these handy folks with great pictures.

Ooh, yeah. I would hire her.

I would hire him. I mean, but I won’t.

See how friendly tool belt guy looks?

But every picture I try to take of myself,

I look like a murderer.

What? No. Don’t be silly.

Oh, god.

It’s the eyes. Sorry.

See? That’s why I need your help.

I need to get my profile up.

Every second I’m not on this website, I’m losing business.

I’ll take your picture, teddy.

I can make this camera love you.

Or at least flirt with you at the bar

And laugh at your jokes.

Thanks, linda.

Uh, I brought some wardrobe possibilities.

I thought maybe brown could bring out my eyes?

Murder eyes. It’s just… Sorry.

Your life is about to take a delicious turn…

Into some fried clams.

Or not.

Hey, you’re done for the day.

We’re shutting down the clam shack.

The park’s pretty empty ’cause of the weather.

Ah, too bad. I was really in the zone today.

’cause I can get too in my head sometimes.

Uhhuh, yeah, yep.

And just like that, our money is gone,

Which means no more ride tickets,

Which means we need to get our butts back to grandpa.

And also we love him.


Any clamrelated fortunes you’d like to share?

Or observations about the human condition?

He’s thinking.

[wind howls]

[Louise] hmm.

Guys, look at this.

I like looking at stuff.

[tina] maybe we shouldn’t be in here?

So, this is the microphone that they use to…

…Make clamstradamus talk. Ha!

Close the door, close the door.

Hey, everyone. I know all. I see all.

Bow down to me!

Who wants to know their future?

Hey, mister, you’re gonna keep walking that way.

Am I right?

Or am I right?

And you’re gonna

Receive a phone call on your birthday

From someone you know. [making fart noises]

Guys, stop. What if we get caught?

Why would we get caught?

Also, we’re supposed to go meet pop pop.

And also we’re supposed to be good?

This doesn’t count as good.

Tina, pop pop would be mad if we didn’t do this.

Come on, just try it.

[tina] ugh. Fine.

Uh, so how’s everyone doing today?

Oh, they’re gone.

Keep going.

Uh, so, hey, uh…

Your future is, um… I’m a clam.


Maybe do more farts?

Allow me. [making fart noises]

[amplified fart noises]

That was beautiful.

Wait till you hear the finale.

[amplified fart noises]

[riders cheering]

[Louise] hey, hat guy.

Your fortune is really, really good.

But, uh… Uhoh, it’s getting foggy.

Bring us, I mean, bring me, clamstradamus,

Uh, ten ride tickets.

And I’ll be able to see it much more clearly.

Let’s just keep walking.

[gene] don’t walk away.

We have so much more to tell you.

You’re gonna get married.

But you won’t be able

To agree on the items in your registry.

Don’t let crate & barrel destroy you!

This has been so, so fun

And hasn’t made me anxious at all,

But we should get back to grandpa now.

Tina, we’ve barely scratched the surface of this thing.

Hey, you.

You, give me that banana.

A lot of people give stuffed bananas to clams.

Don’t think about it, just do it.

So close.

Eh, well.

So, leaving? Now?

Grandpa’s probably wondering where we are.


[both gasp]

Okay, he’s alive. Whew.

That would’ve been twice this week.


Okay, you’re hammering a nail,

But you’re not making a big deal about it.

It’s fun. You’re having fun.

Like this? Eh…

No, now it looks like you’re in pain.

Think of something happy.


I said something happy,

Not whose body is in your basement.

Ugh! Why is this so hard?

Just be natural.

You haven’t blinked in like ten minutes.

[teddy] okay, tell me when to blink.

[linda] just blink how you normally blink.

[teddy] I only blink at night.

[linda] that’s sleeping.

[Bob sighs]

Dad’s not texting me back.

Oh, Bob. Just put that thing down

And don’t even worry about it.

No, not you, teddy. Keep holding the hammer.

Okay, now you’re holding it weird,

Like you’ve never held a hammer before.

[teddy] I don’t know what to do with my body!

Okay, uh, what’s a different way to text

“please don’t destroy our kids’ childhoods”?

Just quit worrying about it, everything’s gonna be okay.

Teddy, did your mouth start twitching?

Eh, it’s hard to look normal for this long.

Maybe after I finish these, I’ll just go down there.

’cause it, you know, it’s fun when your dad shows up.

To check on your grandpa.

It’s kinda slow here with the rain anyway.

I don’t know, won’t that look like

We don’t trust your dad with our kids?

No! No, ’cause I’m gonna be…

A cool, laidback buffer

Who’s all about just having fun.

A funloving buffer. A fluffer.

Wait, not that. Not a fluffer.

Okay. II won’t be gone for long.

These are ready. Ooh, teddy.

I don’t think that’s working.

I know! I know!

It’s so easy for you, Bob!

With your charming, lovable face!

I hate you! Sorry, sorry.

[phone rings]


[Bob] hey, dad. Uh, I was just calling

To see how it’s going. Uh, with the kids?

Huh? Oh, it’s, uh… Good.

Great. That’s great.


Hey, uh, I was just thinking

How much more fun it would be if I…

Came down there and we all hung out.

Oh. Really?

Yeah, I just thought it’d be nice

To all be at the wharf together.

Also, I’m here, so I’ll hang up now.

Uh, where are the kids?

Did you say something that might have made them

Not want to be around you?

What? No.

II gave ’em each five bucks

And told ’em to meet me back here in 30 minutes.

Wait, what did you think I did?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, I guess we should just wait for them here?

So, should we go look for them?



All right. Oh.

Oh, oh.

Hey, let’s go look for the kids.

Yeah, II’m up, so I might as well stay up.

Great. Oh. Yep.

[gene] hey, people. Don’t be afraid.

I’m not so different than you.

Okay, guys, for real, we should leave now

Uh, hello.

Fellas, fellas, fellas. What’s the rush?

Hey, how’s it going?

Pretty crazy weather we’re having.

What’s your name, muscles?

What are you, on the swim team or something?

So, uh, you came down here

On the day I’m taking care of the kids.

Do you not trust me with them?

What? No, I, uh

I mean, sure, I have no idea where they are right now.


But they’re close. I think.

So I’m doing pretty good.


Hey, you get that article I sent you

About the island of garbage in the pacific?

Yes. I, uh, II definitely read it.

All this stuff’s gonna end up there.

Just a giant island of stuffed animals and plastic

Ooh! We should win that gorilla for the kids!

Wait, what?

I can’t believe you won that.

I guess I’m good at aiming water at stuff.

Except in the bathroom. Sometimes.

I’m working on it.

We all are.

Your kids are gonna love this. If we ever find them.

Dibs on it if we don’t.

Well, wwe’re back at the bench,

And they’re not here.

Maybe we could see where they are from up there?

[big Bob] are the seats dry?

They will be after you sit there.

We could wipe the seat with the gorilla.

How dare you?


I, uh, got a highquality, totally hygienic rag.

Great. Great.

Wipe, wipe, wipe. All set.

Hop on, gentlemen.

It’s just as wet. But okay.

Well, we’ve told some fortunes,

We’ve sung some songs, we’ve used naughty words.

Our work might be done here.

Yeah, I’d like to not get caught,

So please, yes, can we go?

Guess it is getting late,

And I think we’ve changed some lives today.

Yeah, we told that guy to grow a ponytail.

That’s gonna open up a whole new world for him.

[grunts] oh, it’s jammed or something.

What? Uh, maybe you got to shove it. [grunts]

What if I just

[gene grunts]

[Louise] oh, my god.

Wewe’re locked in? How?

We can’t get out?

Are we being punished? For being helpful and delightful?

Oh, we’re gonna get in trouble!

Grandpa’s gonna get in trouble!

That’s extra trouble! And I wasn’t comfortable

With normal trouble.

It’s okay. It’s okay.

There’s got to be someone who can let us out.

[panicked breaths]

So, not a ton of people out there.



Let us out of here!

[Louise] help us!

[gene] help!

[tina] aah!

[Louise] help! We’re locked in!

We’re kids! We’re adorable kids inside here!

This is real life!

[tina hyperventilates]

Were the walls always this close?

[panicked breaths]

how did we not see this coming?

We’re supposed to be able to see the future.

We’re clamstradamus, damn it!

[Louise] help! Hat guy, three kids are locked in here.

[gene] wait, we’re telling the truth.

It’s not just hilarious high jinks.

We apologize for trying to get you

To give us your ride tickets.

We were carefree and stupid then.

Now we know life is fragile.

[tina] oh, teen boy. We sorta had a connection, right?

I’m a teen, just like you. Stuck in this booth.

With my siblings. Please let us out.

And then we can just see where things between us go.

Stop saying weird stuff.

[Louise] wait, wait.

Can you at least find our grandpa

And tell him that we’re in here?

Your grandpa?

Yes, please.

Go look for an old white guy and bring him here.

[gene] and maybe grab us, I don’t know, a corn dog or something?

Our grandpa will pay you back. He’s good for it.

[groans] weird.

[together] no!

I can’t see them.

I’m starting to get a little worried.

Maybe they have a place to make announcements,

Like at supermarkets, for when kids are missing?

No judgment on anyone who was watching them.

None taken. Mostly.

Maybe I should call the restaurant,

See if the kids are there.

[linda] oh, how cool do you look?

So personable and friendly. Yes.

My goggles are kind of fogging up.

Can you see my eyes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just the right amount of your eyes.

Okay, so what should I do?

Maybe we go away from the hammer.

What’s the, uh, friendliest tool you got?

I don’t know. Maybe a wrench?

Ooh, yes, yes. A nice friendly wrench.

Pick out a cute one.

[phone rings]

Oop, hold on. Hey, Bob. How’s the wharf?

Hey, lin, uh, are the kids there?

No, why would they be here?

Uh, well, I’m with my dad, but, uh…

We just don’t have the kids at the moment.

So II was just checking.


But we’ll find them.

We lose ’em and then we find ’em. That’s our thing.

II’ll call you back.

Uh, or call me if they show up there.

Okay. Wait. Bob, what do you think

The friendliest tool is?

[Bob] uh…

How about this one?

No, no. Cuter. Do you have cuter?

Maybe. I don’t know.

What do you think about a tape measure?

Yeah, yeah.

[whispering] teddy is terrible at getting his picture taken.

[Bob] what?

Nothing. Bye. Oh, god.

How do you make a tape measure look scary?

Uh, plyers?



Geez, what if a shark

Jumped out of the ocean and grabbed all three of ’em?

There’s more sharks in these waters every year, you know.

Sharks are having a heyday, and they’re coming for us.

Dad, when have sharks ever j

[sighs] you know, II’ve been meaning to

Talk to you about something.

Again, not a criticism exactly, but

Okay, I hate this already.

Uh, nnever mind.

Uh, uh, maybe we should, uh, split up.

Wwe can cover more ground that way.

And then we can text if we find ’em.

Okay, fine. But tutu gorilla is coming with me.

It likes me better.

I mean, it hasn’t had a chance

To get to know me, but fine.

Hey, how’s the burger?

Very good, thank you.

Great. Let me ask you something.

Would you hire this guy to do handyman work

Around your house?

Oh, my. No.

I live alone. I wouldn’t have him in the house.

[teddy groans]

uh, what about this one?

Would you hire him now?

No. Mmmm. Never.

No you could he has done bad, bad things.

You can tell.

[groans] linda, I told you!

I can’t do it. It can’t be done.

Oh, god, you’re right here. Sorry.

You look less scary in person. A little less.

I’ll just go into another line of work.

I’ll be a telemarketer.

Mmm, with that voice, though?

Gah! Oh!

Teddy! Teddy, teddy, teddy.

Let me just make you a burger, okay?

We’ll figure this out.

Maybe don’t leave me alone with him?

Actually, it’s fine. Hehe’s fine, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’m a gentle person!

It’s the pictures! It’s the pictures!

Where are you kids?

Sharks can’t jump out to get us

[screams] oh.

[tina] do we live here now?

I don’t know if I totally like the layout.

Uh, yeah, there’s no tv.

And the toilet leaves something to be desired,

’cause it’s the floor.

Oh, my god! It’s dad!



[Louise] he’s walking away. Dad! Dad!

What if dad freaked the kids out?

Freaked them out and they ran away?

’cause they’re scared of the ice caps melting?

[kids yelling]


Coming through.


Nobody died.

We’ll come back for that.


[kids yelling]

Dad, dad!


[all yelling]

[gene] well, let’s think about sleeping arrangements

Because we are stuck in here for the night.

I call this side.

[Louise] I call this side.

[tina] damn it.

Help. Somebody. Anybody. Please.

Okay, kind of emptying out here.

Help. Help.

Kids not anywhere in sight.


Help. Help.

Feeling fine about that. Totally fine.

Help. Help. Help.

Help us. Please help us.

I don’t quite get it.

Dad’s never gonna find us. No one’s ever gonna find us.

[gene] we’re gonna have to marry each other.

It’ll be a small ceremony.

[tina] but tasteful.

Wait, kids? Are you in there?

Dad! Yes! We’re in here!

We’re talking through a microphone in a little booth.

We’re locked in. Hurry!

Hurry, it’s filling up with tina breath and gene farts.

[tina] how did you know we needed you?

Could you smell us from the restaurant?

II didn’t. II came for another reason.

But where’s the booth?

II don’t understand where you are.

[gene] to your left! I mean, your right.

Sorry, I was never good at that.

But I have other qualities.

Are you in here?

There’s those beautiful, sad, tired eyes.

Yes! Yes! In here!

The door’s over here,

But it’s jammed or blocked or something.

Okay, I’m coming.

[grunts] I can’t open it.

Hhow did this happen?

[Louise] it was fated in the stars?

And also the booth was empty and we went in

And someone must have locked us in here.

Ugh, I can’t see any wonder wharf people.

I guess I’ll go get somebody?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, father.

I’m just now realizing that it might not be

Good for the staff here to know about the whole

“us messing around with the clam” thing.

We don’t want to be on the noride list.

I’ve heard it’s very hard to get off.

Unless you know someone in the state department.

Yeah, wwe’ll just have to deal with that.

Geez, there is a gap here.

Maybe if I could wedge something in,

I might be able to free the bolt

And it wouldn’t even be broken?



Yep. Yep.

This fell off a ride.

Uh, I’m gonna see if I can wedge it into the doorjamb.

Also, I don’t think we should let you…

[grunting] ride the rides here anymore.

This place is falling apart.

Cheer up, teddy. Who needs pictures and websites?

I don’t think the internet’s gonna last that long anyway.

Yeah, I guess. Maybe.

Mmm! Oh, that’s good.

[gasps] stop!


II mean, don’t stop.

Take another bite. II mean, chew first

And then take another bite.

Mm. What? Like this?

[camera clicks]

[linda] that’s it.

Your face. Look at your face.

Oh, yeah. I look kind of… Happy?

[linda] yeah, you look normal and happy.

[teddy] it’s the burger.

The food here takes the murder out of people’s eyes.

There’s your handy profile picture.

Do you think it’s okay that I’m not fixing anything

And I’m eating?

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Get your tools and then take a bite and hammer something.


I bet cindy crawford did the same thing,

Kept a burger right next to her.

That probably wasn’t even a mole.

Just a little bit of burger.

Almost got it… [straining]

[tina] not worried that you’ve been saying that for so long.

Hell yeah!



I did it! [laughs]

I’m strong.

Sure, you are.

So why did you come here, dad?

Didn’t trust us with grandpa?

Thought we’d take his pills and push him into the ocean?

No, it’s not you with him, it’s him with you.

Oh, no, he’s a good grandpa. This wasn’t his fault.

It’s our fault. II mean, some of us said

“let’s not do this” and other people weren’t receptive.

Dad, seriously, what were you worried about?

You were acting weird in the restaurant earlier,

But I just figured it was a new thing you were trying.

It’s just sometimes pop pop can be aa little dark?

About life? And kinda negative?

You mean like you?


Yeah, mr. Everything’s bad all the time?

“I’m tired. I’m worried. My back hurts. I’m Bob.”

Whoa, that’s pretty good.

Thank you.

What? No. That’s not…

That doesn’t sound like me. That much.

There’s pop pop now.


Should we clamstradamus him?

It’s invigorating, you’ll see.

[tina] um, what?

[Bob] no.

Also, I just got you out of there.

[gene] I missed it a little.

Hey, you. Cool guy with that beautiful gorilla.

Huh? What? Oh, you again.

Listen, I don’t know how this works,

But did you see three kids? ’cause I’m looking for ’em.

[Louise] Wow, they sound amazing.

Do you want to talk about which one

You like the best and which one

You could do without, frankly?

All right. Thank you. Goodbye.

Wait, let us tell you your future.

You’re gonna live for 1,000 years.

Pfft. The world won’t even be around in a thousand years.

[gene] ’cause it will have moved to a funner location, or…?

No, because it’s all going to h–

[Bob] Okay, that’s it.

You know, I’ve been trying to say this to you,

And I’m just gonna say it.

As a talking clam.

[Louise] Clamstradamus.

Dr. Clamstradamus.

[Bob] If you keep saying stuff like that

Around your grandkids, they’re gonna believe you,

And then it might actually come true.

So maybe don’t say horrible stuff about the future

To people who have to live in the future.

Like Marty Mcfly!

Well, for your information, Clamstra

Well, whatever your name is.

[Bob] clamstradamus. It says it right there.

I’m not always worried about the future.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And that’s because of my grandkids.

They might actually figure stuff out.

And, you know, fix stuff.


Yeah, Mr. Deep thoughts on a rainy day.

I didn’t know you felt like that.

Well, I–I’m glad we talked.

Do you mind if I go?

Oh, sure. But I’ve got one last prediction:

Uh, if you walk towards the ferris wheel, your family will meet you there.

Okay, goodbye.

[gene] and I predict, if you buy five fried doughs,

They will be very appreciated.

That might have been the best conversation

I’ve ever had with my dad.

Let’s come back here when you want to tell us about sex.

By the way, has pop pop always walked around with a giant gorilla, or did he win that for us today?

Oh yeah, he did.


Hey, you know what?

Why don’t you go catch up to pop pop?

Tell him I had to go back to the restaurant, okay?

Which restaurant?


Enjoy the rest of your afternoon together.

You know what I wish we could get? Fried clams.

I know.


Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Should we wait here till they open in the morning?

We’ll come back.

♪ my name is Clamstradamus ♪

♪ dr. Clamstradamus ♪

♪ and, again, my name is Clamstradamus ♪

♪ dr. Clamstradramus ♪

♪ bow down to me ♪

♪ who wants to know their future? ♪

♪ I know all, I see all ♪

[dizzy dog beatboxing]

♪ my name is Clamstradamus ♪

♪ dr. Clamstradamus ♪

♪ and, again, my name is Clamstradamus ♪

♪ dr. Clamstradamus ♪

♪ bow down to me ♪

♪ wait, don’t go, let us tell you your future. ♪


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