Original air date: November 12, 2023
Mr. Fischoeder hires Bob as his private chef on a secret island for wealthy influential gentlemen. The weekend event soon turns into a drug-fueled rave, then murderous brawl, with Bob the only sober voice of reason among them. Meanwhile back at home, Linda and the kids throw a mocktail party for Tina to teach her social skills.
* * *
So this storm front could change course and make Landfall this weekend. We’re in wait-and-see mode. Either way, don’t get mad at me about it. Just doing my best.
Aw, Scott Baggs seems really vulnerable right now.
Hey, Mr. Fisch.
Hello, burger lady. Tiny people.
Bob. How are you, Bob?
Good, good, good.
Uh, is this about the rent? Sorry, Linda put a smiley face on the check. I–I thought it was too much. Was it too much? Is that why you’re here?
No. I enjoyed it.
I knew it.
What are you doing this weekend, Bob?
Nothing fun or interesting or cool, right?
Uh, probably not. Why?
Well, I need a private chef. For private cooking. At a private location. And, yes, you will need to sign this NDA.
Nda? “no dingalings allowed”?
Wait, are–are you asking me to cater an event or something?
Yes. A camping event.
It’s actually more like fancy camping. “Flancing,” I call it, with, let’s just say, a secret club of powerful members. A brotherhood, really. The blood oath was fun, but messy.
Mr. Fischoeder, are you in the Illuminati? You can tell us, we’re on the waitlist.
Haha. No. Those guys wish they were in the Babylon league.
The Babalong league?
Babylon. Like the ancient, uh, thing.
Yes, a bunch of powerful men letting our hair down and picking the next president Over s’mores and cocktails and naughty jokes.
None of that makes me want to take this catering gig. Sorry.
Bob, I need you. I sort of kind of forgot that we voted last year to each bring our own chefs from now on since everyone’s got their “dietary restrictions. And the other members already picked over the best chefs in town, so now I’m asking you.
Name your price.
A billion dollars.
A million dollars.
A billion dollars.
She just said that.
How about $973?
That’s very specific.
It’s the price for a new condenser for the walk-in, which apparently we need. The one we have is ready to go to that walk-in in the sky.
Right, I guess ignoring that horrible sound isn’t gonna fix it.
Boring, but sold.
So, Bob, do we have a deal?
I guess I’ll do it.
Wait, they said there might be a storm. Aren’t you worried about the weather?
Y–you don’t really need
To worry about the weather when you know the people I know.
They take care of all that.
Oh, and Bob, whip up a custom cocktail, will you? It–it’s kind of… Part of the whole thing. Think refreshing, yet sour. Manly, yet whimsical.
Uh, a cocktail. Uh, okay.
And gin. Lots of gin. And call it something clever.
The things we’ll do for a condenser. I mean, you’ll do.
Okay, come aboard! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, put this on.
[Bob] All right. Okay, now come aboard.
[Bob] But I have a blindfold on. Uh, I can’t see.
[fischoeder] You should’ve thought of that before you put the blindfold on.
[Bob] Okay, I’ll try ow.
[fischoeder] I don’t know why you stepped there.
[fischoeder] You’re bad at this.
What? Speed up? Okay.
Can I take the blindfold off? I’d love to be able to see things again.
Oh, my god, we’re on a cliff. Mr. Fischoeder, what if I fell?
Well, that would’ve been embarrassing for me. I’d be the idiot whose chef fell off the cliff.
So, my, uh, custom cocktail is, uh, going in my mouth soon?
Yeah. It was actually kind of fun to come up with. I–I hope you like it. It’s gin and mint And a dash of pickle juice. I call it “the league of exbrineinary gentlemint.”
Mmm… I think we should call it the ringading.
Mm, fine. Uh, you know, I haven’t had any reception Since we got to the island. Is there a place where I–
Oh, there’s no cell phone reception on the island. We paid a lot of money for that. You can make your TikToks when you get home, Bob.
That’s not what I–
Come, come. Bring the ringading!
Yup, yup. Sure.
Sticky Nicky McArthur. How’s the family?
Which one? [laughs]
Hubert “the hammer” hammerschmidt. How were the hearings?
Some people are going to prison. Not me.
Downtown Randolph Brackenbrown. There he is.
Here I am. Soggie auggie sharfenheimer. The gang’s all here.
Calvin, no chefs at the sacred circle. They’re supposed to stay at the tents.
Can I keep him? The liquor pitcher’s all sweaty; I don’t want to hold it.
Let’s have a taste. The cocktail will decide his fate.
Oh, uh, okay.
Mmm. Exquisite. He can stay.
Why does your chef look so familiar? Was he working the omelet station at your last sex party?
What? No. Bob’s a burger man.
Well, those were good omelets. And a hell of a sex party. Just really well-organized. I went a bit more upscale with my private chef. I brought Sergio, from Sergio.
Heard of it.
He’s making llama because I only eat llama now.
Oh, enough about the llama!
More llama drama?
Mr. I brought a live llama can’t seem to talk about anything else.
You’re gonna slaughter it here?
No. For every one that I eat, I adopt a live one. Some people don’t get it.
Yeah, I don’t get it.
I’m one of those people.
Sergio gets it.
Well, what do you say, fellas, shall we, uh, tell the chefs to start cooking? We’ll have our feast, then let out our inner beast.
[August] Feast and beast. I love that they rhyme.
Not bad, burgermeister. I saw Randolph eyeing my dinner. He barely touched his llama.
What are you doing, cleaning? Pfft square.
I just took a bunch of drugs, Bob. A bunch. All mixed together in a castiron cauldron that we heated over the fire. That’s how people do drugs.
That seems to make sense for what this is.
Can you do my face paint?
Uh, sure. Wha what’s this for?
Tradition! Ritual! Make me look like Simon LeBon in “hungry like the wolf.”
I’m just gonna do a stripe. Oh, you’re moving. So that that looks good.
Feeling strong. Very strong.
Whoa. Speaking of strong. Geez, this is– It’s I think it’s about to rain. Uh, do you do you feel drops?
It’s starting, Bob. It’s starting.
So, this is a storm, I think.
[dance music playing]
The one you said wasn’t gonna happen?
[fischoeder laughs] I love electronic dance music!
Still nothing from your father. How’s he even supposed to grill burgers in a storm like this?
When you don’t listen to Scotty Baggs, you end up with soggy buns.
He’s on a camping weekend with rich people. I assume there are butlers that hold umbrellas over all the buns.
Speaking of buns, why are we not eating post-dinner, pre-bedtime snacks right now? My hand keeps doing this, but there’s nothing in it.
I’ll go get something.
I’ll go with you so it’s not just crackers. No offense.
What? We had carrots that one time.
Dad left a lot of bar things. It’s like we live in a nightclub now.
Yeah. Your dad was sir mixalologist last night. It was quite the cocktail party. If you like a cocktail party where it’s just you and the person making drinks.
Are those a real thing? I thought cocktail parties were just in movies and tv shows.
Oh, yeah, someone invites you to their house, and they made snacks and they made a playlist and you have to pretend you like their music. You’ll go to them when you’re a little older. It’s how adults socialize. until they have kids. Then you don’t do anything.
I don’t understand, why is it called a cocktail party? Why isn’t it called a “hanging out and talking” party?
Is that what you guys are doing? ‘Cause the snacks are… Taking a while.
Snacks are coming, they’re coming. They call ’em cocktail parties because some grownups have a drink to loosen up. But don’t have too many ’cause then you don’t get invited back. And don’t monopolize the conversation, Don’t stay too late, don’t get there too early.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, should I be writing this down? You’re freaking me out.
Don’t wear brown and black. Never look into someone’s eyes.
Bring your own fork and briefcase.
Of course. Everyone knows that.
Huh. Huh. Huh…
And leave one of your shoes as a gift.
But you got to hide it.
Aah! I don’t get it. How does everyone know all this stuff?
No, no, no, don’t listen to them, they’re messing with you. But I can show you everything you need to know. You want to have a mocktail party? Kids, meet me in the living room in ten minutes. Wear something nice.
How much cleavage is too much cleavage?
This’ll probably be just as fancy as the party your dad’s at right now.
Oh, my god, oh, my god. Huh? What?!
[dance music playing]
Mr. Fischoeder, people are leaving. Boats are leaving. They–they took the llama, and they left!
Bob! Bob! You’re saying too many words. Close this part, shake that part. Look at Hubert, he’s all hips. And drugs.
Mr. Fischoeder, I’m worried that this storm is gonna get worse, and we’re on an island, and our phones don’t work. And that’s bad.
No. That’s good. That’s why we’re here. You just don’t have enough face paint on. It keeps you dry. Haven’t you noticed I’m completely dry? Have you asked yourself how that’s possible?
You are all very stoned. Okay, I’m gonna go pack everything onto your boat and then we should go. And everyone else should go soon, too. I will be right back to get you and whoever wants to live tonight, okay?
Oh, boy, tent not looking good.
And the boats are sinking. Mr. Fischoeder? Hello? M–mr. Fischoeder? Is that blood? Oh, my god.
Turn off your light.
Shh. He’s hunting us. He took a bite out of Randolph’s arm.
Who took a bite?
Hubert. He’s gone completely wild. He’s turned into some sort of animal with Eddie Bauer pants on.
Okay, well, I have to tell you about your boat.
[Hubert shouting, growling]
[Bob muffled] Oh, my god!
This is awful. This is so, so awful. We’re trapped on this island with that? Why did I say yes to this?
Ugh, this is gonna get infected.
Calvin, you don’t have any antibiotics, do you?
No. Seems like kind of a nerdy thing to pack on a boys’ weekend.
Ah, it hurts. Aah! What’s the point of taking drugs if you feel pain when someone bites your shoulder?
Should we make our way to the boats? This has been fun, but, Bob, I think you were saying something about packing up?
There’s no boats, Mr. Fischoeder. That’s what I was trying to tell you. They’re all gone or they’re smashed.
What? Why didn’t you tell me?
I did! You were on drugs.
Don’t blame the drugs!
What boats are gone? Who left?
A lot of people. The private chefs are all gone, I think. Other people. They saw the storm and they left ’cause they’re smart.
Who’s this guy?
You’re not an animal, Hubert! You’re an Episcopalian.
You know what we need? A couple more ringadings.
[Linda] Looking nice. Looking very sophisticated. Gene, liking the shorts with dad’s jacket.
Mmhmm. Business dadual.
And I invented a new way to tie a tie. It makes the old way look stupid.
All right, now that we have some drinks in hand, let’s do some roleplay. Tina, stand there. You’re the host.
I’m the host?
Just for this, just for this. Okay, I’m the first guest to arrive. You ready? Dingdong.
Hi, honey. Mwah. I’m 30 minutes early. Mwah. Here’s a bottle of wine that someone gave me as a gift. Is that what you’re gonna wear tonight?
Aren’t you gonna put on music?
Can I help out with snacks or anything?
No? Okay, can I see what you have in the fridge? I haven’t had dinner.
Also, I blocked your neighbor’s driveway. He’s cool, right? And scene.
Do’s and don’ts. Call ’em out. What did I do right, what did I do wrong?
Um, you showed up early. That’s nice.
No, no, no. Showing up 30 minutes early is worse than showing up an hour late.
Just take the time they tell you to arrive, add 30 minutes, and you’re good. What else? Call ’em out!
Don’t be like how you were.
More specifically. What did I do wrong?
Everything after hello?
Correct. Let’s do another one, let’s do another one. Louise, stand here. We’re both guests. You’re waiting for the bathroom. I come up behind you. Hi, I’m drunk. Will you hold up my hair while I puke? And scene.
She seems fun.
Okay, let’s stop for a minute. I can’t see where we’re going. But I don’t want to use the lamp because the bitey guy might see us.
The “bitey guy” has a name, Bob.
God, I wish we had our guns. Not to kill him, just to shoot him a little bit.
Yeah, why don’t you have your guns? Uh, I thought that was part of your group dynamic.
No guns on the island. Our insurance covers us for drugs or guns. But not both.
Can we stay here? Are we hidden? Uh, I think we’re hidden.
Yeah, we could hear your voices all the way from over there.
You two get bit at all? Still just me?
Stop asking that!
Mosquitos love me, too.
What was that? Did you fart, Bob?
No. That was a twig snapping. Farts don’t sound like that.
[all cry out]
Stop biting us, Hubert! And put some clothes on.
All right. Uh, I think we have to go on offense. If we keep running, he’s just gonna keep jumping out of the bushes and biting us.
“Us”? Have you been bitten?
Oh, hush. You were pretty pissy about some of us talking about our bites just, like, a moment ago.
Listen to Bob. I’m nominating him for captain.
He’s the least drugged-up of all of us.
Me. But I don’t want to be captain. I just want to live. Listen, this Hubert guy. Ca–can we catch him somehow? Trap him? If we can tie him up till the drugs wear off then all we’ll have to deal with is the storm. That gives a slightly better chance of surviving the night.
Trapping Hubert. Hmm… Not bad.
True. Good idea, captain.
To set a trap we need bait.
[all except Bob] Not it!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Bad plan, bad plan!
Just a little more beef on the eyebrows to make him seem extra tasty, and I think we’re done.
[August] I’m giving him a beef mustache on top of his real mustache.
Clever! And the trap is baited.
No, your captain says no. No human bait, no human bait.
Sorry, Bob, the captain doesn’t have voting rights.
I’ll never forget you, captain.
Oh, my god. Guys, please untie me. I don’t like this.
[fischoeder] Don’t worry, Bob. We’re not gonna let Hubert eat you. I mean, not all of you. Just nibble long enough so that we can grab him and tie him up.
Ten to 15 bites max.
It’s just, the “not it” thing. I wasn’t ready. Should we count one, two, three? Doover?
[all except Bob] One, two, three, not it!
[Linda] Okay, let’s review. How many drinks do you have at a cocktail party?
Depends on your body weight?
And zodiac sign.
Your age plus one.
No, no, no, two and a half. First one loosens you up. Second one, nurse it. Last one, put it down, don’t finish it, you don’t need it. But don’t put in on the stereo or any furniture where it’s gonna leave a little ring. Make a big show of looking for a coaster.
What’s a coaster?
We don’t have any. But some people do. Some people care about their furniture.
But where where do I put this?
I’m pouring mine in the plant.
No, no, plants don’t like sweet drinks.
Just hard liquor?
Tina, hold onto it. Pretend it’s your second. Okay, let me think, what’s next?
Ooh, I’m gonna throw my keys into the key bowl. I think it’s something grownups do when They want to meet Sigourney Weaver.
I’m loosening my tie. Dad’s missing a wild night.
How did you tie this so well? You’re all so stoned.
I had a friendship bracelet period. Calvin doesn’t wear his.
It just doesn’t really go with anything I own.
He sounds hungrier.
Guys, guys, le–let’s do this differently. May–maybe we dig a hole? Put a tarp across?
Oh, but who wants to dig a hole?
[Bob groans] I should never have come here. I just needed a new condenser.
Hmm… I’m gonna go, uh, put some more meat on him. I think we missed a few spots.
Give him a beard. To go with the mustache.
Here I am, putting meat on you.
What are you doing?
I’m taking your wallet in case he kills you.
Kidding. I’m untying you.
And some meat there, and some more meat here.
Thank you. But why?
I don’t know. Guess my buzz is wearing off. And someone needs to cook breakfast in the morning.
[Hubert roars, howls]
Now Hubert sounds horny?
Go, go, run.
Ah! You didn’t untie my feet.
I thought it would be funny.
The bait’s getting away! The bait’s getting away!
Sorry, fellas! He’s my chef. Food before dudes.
Let’s get ’em! We’ll use both as bait!
Yes! You hear that, Calvin? You just joined d’bait club.
[August] Oh, that’s good.
Oh. Oh, boy. They seemed really ticked off. I hope they don’t vote me out of the club. The kicking-out ceremony is brutal. So much singing.
Sorry. But also, this club doesn’t seem great, so…
I can see how the biting thing has been a bit of a downer.
No, all of it. Your people. And the way you are. And the things you do.
Quietly run the world? Really well, with no problems? We actually have an award party. We all get trophies. We’re gonna need a chef for that, too, Bob. Oh, don’t worry, it’s a different island. Oh, my goodness, the boathouse!
The one on the other side of the island that has a boat in it.
You’re just remembering this now?
Yes. Well, it’s old. No one uses it. And, uh and there may be just a dinghy there, But still, worth a shot? Row home? Get to my house tonight in time for a nightcap?
I don’t think we should go out in the open ocean in a dinghy. In… A bad storm.
Aw, the weather’s calming down. And it’s not exactly the open ocean.
Yeah, it is. We’re, like, an hour away from the mainland.
More like five minutes. Maybe 15 in the dinghy. Depends on who’s rowing. Not it.
What? Then why did it take us so long?
You’ve never had a secret island, have you? You can’t blindfold someone and then go five minutes away. I did a few laps.
Oh, my god. Well, do you– do you think we could fit everybody on the dinghy?
Yeah. Anyway, I think I know the way. Should we talk and walk, but quietly? Because of the multiple parties hunting us? Oh, and while we’re walking, maybe, uh, you can think of a reasonable partial refund for me since it looks like you won’t be cooking breakfast.
[Hubert howling nearby]
God, I hate that he does that.
No boathouse there. No boathouse there.
I also hate when you do that. It makes me think that you don’t know where we’re going.
Am I thinking of the right boathouse? Darn. And now it’s starting to seem like something I made up.
Well, we had a nice walk, anyway.
Oh, there it is!
I’m pretty sure this is the boathouse with the dinghy inside. Wait, was it a dinghy? Or was it a disco? Now, that was a cool boathouse.
Geez, Samuel, too far.
Oh, I thought we were doing the whole whacky-whacky-stick-thing.
Nope? Okay, well, “sorry.”
[fischoeder] No need. I didn’t even feel it.
[Bob] You didn’t get hit, I did.
[fischoeder] Oh, well, then apology accepted.
[Bob] Oh, my god.
Guys, I really don’t like being tied up. I tried to express that earlier when you tied me up the first time.
Tied up twice in the same day. Is that a record for you? Not for me.
And you people are not listening to me. There’s a boat in the boathouse. We can use it to get off the island.
The bait’s trying to trick us again. Sorry, bait.
Might. There might be a boat in there.
Stop saying that! Can someone just go and look inside?
All the way over there?
It’s the least bitten thing I can do.
I can’t believe you were gonna leave us, Calvin. And to think, I was going to let you taste my llama.
We weren’t. We were gonna get everybody.
Yeah, everybody… Ish.
It’s here! I call front!
Wonderful. I call not-next-to-auggie.
Sorry. It’s just, you know how you are in boats.
Okay, come on, Calvin and Calvin’s chef.
You can hop to the boathouse, right?
Bye-bye, Babylon Island. See you next year! And good luck to you, Hubert, wherever you are. You’ll be getting a bill from my dermatologist!
No, no, guys. Y–you can’t leave your friend.
I don’t know why we’re calling him a friend.
I am married to his sister.
But can we get going? Discuss it on the boat?
You–you can’t leave Hubert. He could get hurt. Or possibly die. You would all feel bad.
I won’t feel that bad. Because I will be in my bed.
You got to make some tough decisions sometimes. You got to be strong, burger guy. That’s what this island’s all about.
You guys think a little compassion is weak? A little decency? I–it might not be easy, but it’s definitely strong. That–that’s what I think.
Should we just start backing towards the boathouse?
Nod and step, nod and step.
[groaning] I think the self-righteous, high-horsed burger man is right. It would be wrong, and not strong, for us to leave Hubert behind.
And I have an idea that I hate, But you will all like.
[Samuel] He’s right. I really do like it.
He’s just good bait.
I know. I kind of want to eat him.
[fischoeder] Third tie-up of the day, Bob. You’ve tied my tie-up record.
Oh, here he comes. And now he’s nude.
He’s in good shape, isn’t he?
Everyone ready? Everyone ready with the tarp? You guys don’t look ready. Where is the tarp?
Oh, right, the tarp. Where did we put that?
Oh, my god.
Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.
What are you doing in here? We’re practicing how to get out of a boring conversation. Which is actually really fun. You should come back.
I can’t, mom, I can’t. I don’t know how I’m gonna remember all this stuff. I’m never gonna be able to be an adult. A–and no one is ever gonna want me at their cocktail party. How am I gonna remember to come a half-hour late, use a coaster, don’t double-dip, ask people questions about themselves, two and a half drink max, make sure the bathroom door is locked before you pee, thank the host and don’t be the last one out? It’s too much. I can’t remember it all!
Tina, that was everything from top to bottom. You did it.
Did the party move in here?
Yeah, this is where the cool kids are.
Where are they hiding?
Now teach us how to make nice with the cops when they come about the noise.
Ooh, yeah, let’s do that one. I’ll be the cops. What’s going on here?!
Hello, officer, does this dance make you want to join the party?
Oh, wow, yeah. That changes everything.
[Gene and Linda grunting]
This seems realistic.
Sorry again about your arm, Bob, is it?
Just send me the doctor’s bill like the rest of them.
Does anyone else want to go get ice cream?
Ooh, ice cream.
Love this guy my treat.
Anyone have any extra pants?
I’d like to go home.
No. You know where the secret island is now. I’m afraid we have to kill you.
But you do have to come for ice cream. It won’t be any fun without you.
[Randolph] Yeah, who will we fling our sprinkles at?
[Bob] Oh, great.
♪ ringading, ringading, ringadingding ♪
♪ ringading, ringading ♪
♪ ringadingding ♪
[Linda] Hi, honey. I’m 30 minutes early. Here’s a bottle of wine that someone gave me as a gift. Is that what you’re gonna wear tonight? Aren’t you gonna put on music? Can I help out with snacks or anything? No? Okay. Can I see what you have in the fridge? I haven’t had dinner. Also, I blocked your neighbor’s driveway. He’s cool, right?
He’s cool, right? He’s cool, right?
He’s cool, right? He’s cool, right?
He’s cool, right? He’s cool, right?