Original air date: January 9, 2022
The teachers at Wagstaff are desperate to be nice to the students, because they are being officially evaluated by the kids. Louise swiftly gleans that this can work to the students’ advantage. Meanwhile, Bob and Linda tussle with existential issues over their lack of a formal will.
* * *
LOUISE: (groans) School again.
Punching in for another day of unpaid child labor before we go home and do more unpaid child labor.
I know, right? Multiply this, spell that, build a pipe cleaner model of that other thing.
Oh, darn, I forgot to do that last night.
Where’s Amnesty International when you need ’em?
I mean, probably somewhere important. They’re great.
Teachers keep dishing it out and we keep taking it.
Fresh baked brownie? Blondie?
Mmm. I was just handed a baked good for some reason, but yeah.
Hi, Tina! (sniffs) New shampoo?
No, we had one squeeze of shampoo left, and we’ve been adding water to it for a while.
Hey, about my pipe cleaner project, I kind of didn’t do it.
Don’t worry about it.
Thanks for holding the button, Mr. De Santo.
Do I tip you or…
Looking good, Rudy.
Good at what?
What is h-happening?
Are we at the right school?
Whoa. That’s a lot of “hi,” Ms. LaBonz. You okay?
How are you?
Confused. Thank you.
Decaf coffee, please, Linda.
Better make it a double.
Something the matter, Mort?
Eh, there was a big brouhaha at the mortuary.
A guy died without a will and at the funeral a big fight broke out over who gets his autographed picture of Patrick Swayze.
You might say they were going crazy for Swayze.
Oh, no, that’s terrible to die without a will.
It’s not even that great to die with one.
Right. Yeah. Right.
Glad I’ve got my affairs in order.
Bob, do you want to know what I’m leaving you?
Um, can I just be surprised on the day?
It’s not Christmas, Bob. Geez.
Okay, fine, tell me.
Please don’t say the arrowheads.
My collection of arrowheads.
Yeah. Um, even though they’re just kind of rocks?
Most of them aren’t even triangular.
They could be arrowheads.
Anyway, it’s ten boxes.
I’ve been planning my funeral ever since I was a kid, arranging grieving Playmobil figures on the floor in rows.
Aw, fun li’l Mort.
So what about you guys… Got all your I’s dotted?
Uh, yeah, pretty dotted.
Uh, s-sure, we’ve loosely…
Oh, we don’t have a will or any of that dying stuff.
But we’re gonna.
We’ve just been too busy.
All the time, tired.
But you haven’t done anything?
Not even the basics, like deciding what I get?
Mm, not a basic?
Ten boxes of arrowheads, Bob.
Could go to Mort.
I like rocks.
So, pop quiz.
But relax, everyone. The answer to every question is five.
Just fill it out fast. Five, five, five, five, five.
Uh, why is there no place to put our names?
Because it’s anonymous.
Why would it be anonymous?
Work with me, Rudy.
Five, five, five, five and you get an A.
Hold on, this isn’t a quiz. This is…
FROND: Good morning, students.
By now, you will have been given your teacher evaluation forms.
Which you will use to review your teachers.
It’s a new process I’m calling Eval-You-Great.
As I explained to Principal Spoors, everyone needs feedback to improve.
Except principals. And guidance counselors.
Ten questions and a comment section. Sweet mama.
The evaluations are due back to me before the end of the day.
And to make things fun, teachers with the best scores will be assigned reserved parking in the main lot, right next to the school.
Mmm, the main lot.
And, remember, students, these things are anonymous, so go nuts.
Well done, Phillip. Great announcement.
Wait, how do I turn this off? It’s this one, right?
Time for Mr. Frond to hit the john. It’s pee-pee o’clock.
Oh, press that button. Darn it!
Wow. Ms. LaBonz, the kind of evaluation I could write.
I mean, you and I have some history.
I’m a delightful rascal and you’re a… bit punish-y?
Principal’s… office… now!
We have fun. (chuckles)
There’s also the recent totally unfair grade you gave me on my animal habitat diorama.
It was rock-solid B-minus work, and you gave it a C.
Your diorama was a cotton ball in a white shoebox.
It’s a polar bear in the snow.
Simple but powerful.
And you called it “slapped-together,” I believe?
I can be blunt.
On my last report card, you said, “Don’t quit your day job.”
This is my day job.
You call us “this one” and “that one.”
And sometimes you call us “The Shining,” and I don’t get the reference.
I prayed this day would never come.
JOCELYN: So, we get to grade you?
I don’t know if I can do that, because I’m not very judgy.
Oh, wait, I am. (laughs)
I’m great at these. I wrote an online review that got a barista fired for spelling my name with an I.
Uh, I don’t think so.
“Does your teacher explain new concepts in a way you understand?”
Uh, Ms. Jacobson, could you explain math again to me and I’ll see if I get it?
You guys like me, right?
So let’s get it on the page, huh?
So I can park in a reserved space and get to the teachers’ lounge while the coffee’s still hot.
Or at least warm-ish.
So you need an evaluation that’s catchy and blurb-worthy.
Got it. “Ms. Twitchell’s so good she makes learning almost worth it.”
Yes, that’s great. Write that.
So, let’s go over this again.
The school is here, and I park in the unpaved overflow lot way over here.
And I have to hike in like I’m freaking Reese Witherspoon in that movie.
So, please, be generous.
Ms. LaBonz, can I get a bathroom pass?
Mr. De Santo gave me a hit of his hazelnut blend this morning and things are happening.
How uncomfortable for you, Rudy.
Of course you can.
Usually you tell him to bite on an eraser and tough it out till recess.
That doesn’t sound like me at all.
Well, now you sound…
I think “friendly” is what you’re going for?
But why don’t you zip through the evaluation first so it’s off your plate and then you can poop in peace.
That seems fair.
Rudy, put your pencil down.
The second we turn these in, the teachers stop being nice.
But Frond said they’re not due till the end of the day.
Right now, we hold the cards.
Today we do what we want.
Movies instead of math.
We confiscate the teachers’ gum.
And Rudy poops as he pleases!
I like that.
Today we say, “Jump” and the teachers say, “How high?”
But they can’t jump very high ’cause they’re middle-aged but they still have to say “How high?”
Get down this minute, Louise!
I mean, good for you, climbing up there, using the desk that way.
Today we celebrate our independence day!
Spread the word. Hang on to these evaluations till the end of the day.
We’re maximizing power here.
I get it. Leverage.
Like how my stepmom wouldn’t marry my dad until he learned how to control his crazy son.
Now Cheryl and I are tighter than a turtleneck.
I think every class today is gonna be dance.
Twirl it, baby!
Hey, Coach Blevins, what are we doing in P.E. today?
Uh, we were gonna run laps today…
Bup, bup, bup.
But now I’m thinking some light stretching and relaxing on the wrestling mats.
Sounds good, Coach. See you there.
If I feel like it.
This is ridiculous.
Respectable teachers shouldn’t be groveling for good scores by letting students run riot.
This is all your fault, and one day there will be a reckoning.
You won’t see me coming.
I don’t know, Louise. It feels like we’re kind of taking advantage of the system?
Yeah. Isn’t it great?
I thought the whole point is to give constructive feedback to help teachers improve.
Like, sometimes Ms. Jacobson doesn’t erase the chalkboard that well and I can see what was on there
the day before and it’s like being in two moments of time at once and it hurts my head.
No, Tina, the point is, today, we’re eating the teachers’ lunch. Literally.
Unless their lunch is sad, like a smushed sandwich or something.
Actually, I’d still eat it.
I don’t know, Bob.
Maybe we should finally do some of this end-of-life stuff planning.
Or put it off until death is cured?
Come on, let me help. This is what I do.
We’ll just write things down on the back of a napkin.
You can get a cheap lawyer to make it all pretty later.
Okay, it’s slow right now.
Maybe it’ll be fun. I doubt it.
All right! ♪ Makin’ plans for bein’ dead! ♪
Let’s dive in with the distribution of assets…
Who gets what. And we don’t have to get through it all today.
We can chip away at it.
We’re just chipping away.
Well, that didn’t take long.
God, we’re poor.
At least we didn’t use up too many napkins.
What am I getting again, Mort?
“For Teddy, any food left in fridge.”
Aw, guys. This means a lot.
Let’s move on to the next part, final disposition of remains.
The what of what?
You want to be buried or cremated?
Oh, that’s easy.
Burn, baby, burn.
But I-I thought we’d want to be, you know, together someplace forever.
But buried? Underground?
Bob, I don’t even like two blankets on the bed.
So you can fit in a cup?
A big cup. A nice cup.
What’s it called, Mort?
I’ll think of it.
I’ll get you some brochures on both options.
You can discuss. And, remember, this isn’t life or death.
It’s just death.
Our top story, kids rule…
And teachers drool.
Oh, my gosh, that rhymes.
Yes, it’s Teacher Evaluation Day.
We’re here with our TV journalism teacher, Mr. Grant.
Gangbusters intro, girls.
What’s an intro?
So, where do you park?
The overflow lot.
Would you like to park in the good lot?
Mm. Then tell us what you think of our ideas for news segments.
“Why school is dumb.”
“What is ice, really?”
“What’s up with my parents?”
All amazing ideas.
Yeah, we know.
♪ Kids rule ♪
♪ And teachers drool ♪
♪ Kids rule ♪
♪ And teachers drool. ♪
LOUISE: Still not satisfied.
Yeah, I like our rebellious spirit, but it’s harder to eat lunch sitting on the table.
It’s like I need another table up here.
No. I’m still annoyed by the C Ms. LaBonz gave me on my polar bear project.
Oh, you’re still upset about your shoebox diorama grade?
Didn’t you spend, like, literally one minute on that?
When I saw it, it still had shoes in it.
It went over some people’s heads, okay?
But the real reason LaBonz gave me a C is because she has it out for me.
Maybe she just hates cotton balls?
I mean, I think they’re nice.
Ugh, Tina, don’t defend teachers.
Well, they’re also people.
They have names and everything.
I mean, last names.
They might have first names, but no one knows what they are.
Here, Lin, look.
A nice grassy double plot on a hill.
Under an oak tree. It’s like a pretty picnic spot.
It’s just us, having a forever picnic.
Yeah, Bob, here’s my problem: worms.
They’re the ones having the picnic.
Also, I’m a deep sleeper. What if I’m not even dead and nobody poked me to make sure before they stuck me down there?
They probably have a poker.
Also, cemeteries can be haunted.
Or, worse, we end up with a bunch of goth punks hanging out on Halloween, sitting on our tombstones, smoking cigarettes and making out.
Okay, but our kids would have, you know, someplace to visit.
Yeah, but you got to bring flowers, you got to keep your voice down, you got to dress up.
Does that sound like our kids?
Plus, Gene, just standing there, looking at our tombstone?
You know he hates to read.
I’d drop by. Probably.
How steep is the hill?
But look at this.
Ash scattering at sea.
Ooh, or by airplane.
It’s like skywriting, only instead of smoke, it’s you.
Ashes floating around the world, being free, landing on an expensive car.
Maybe a DeLorean.
We can finally travel.
Wow! Fancy. And I knew you when.
So if the kids want to visit us, they can just go… everywhere?
Fine. The kids can scatter us someplace they like.
The couch. And we can put in the will no farting on the couch.
Well, that’s not gonna happen. So, burial.
No. Cremation, then landing on the DeLorean.
Bob, know when you’ve lost an argument.
Finally the end of the day, huh?
I hope you were generous.
Andy and Ollie.
God, I hope I got that right.
Were you nice?
We were nice.
Okay, bye-bye. Go home.
All right, Louise. (singsongy): It’s time.
You played ball, Ms. LaBonz.
I guess I should go easy on you.
And it’s appreciated, Louise.
I mean, I am a little hurt over the diorama grade.
That just felt, wow, like it got personal.
Here we go.
So why don’t we pop open your grade book and you just bump that baby up a notch to a B-minus and everybody wins.
I’m not changing that grade, Louise.
If it had been another kid, maybe it would have been a B-minus.
But it was you, so…
You admit it.
You admit it!
Oh, now it’s evaluating time.
Wait, let me finish.
You know how you don’t really try?
Not helping yourself.
And you sort of phone everything in?
LaBonz, the more you talk, the angrier my pencil gets.
But I was just…
Deh, deh, deh. Silence.
When you’re in a hole, stop digging.
Ratings: all ones.
And now the comments.
Looks like you’re commenting a lot.
Mm-hmm. Gonna need extra paper.
That’s probably not good.
Is “Antichrist” hyphenated?
(groans) No, it’s one word.
Mr. Frond, wait up. I got my Ms. LaBonz evaluation.
I wanted to hand it to you personally.
Here’s a preview. (blows raspberry)
I’m putting them all in this zipped messenger bag which never leaves my side.
I got the idea from how they guard the envelopes at the Academy Awards.
Pretty glamorous, huh?
Perfect. Sounds secure.
I’ve even tied a piece of yarn from my wrist to the handle so I don’t set it down and leave it somewhere.
For you. Now what happens?
In a few minutes, I’ll sit down with each teacher one-on-one to go over the evaluations together.
And, of course, I’ll provide compassionate counseling for the duds that get reamed.
(chuckles) Someone’s gonna need it.
Okay. Whoa. See? It works.
Well, in the end, I just gave Ms. Jacobson all fives and I realized that it’s not her fault the erasers are bad.
That’s a budget issue.
I was pretty nice, too.
I wrote, “Twitchell… You’ll want to flunk sixth grade on purpose just to see her again.”
And I’m almost there.
Well, LaBonz messed with the bull, so she got the horns.
I even made a copy of it to put on my wall.
Hope it doesn’t catch on fire and burn down the whole house, ’cause it’s scorching.
Wow, sounds like you went, I want to say, way too far?
What? No, Tina, I punched up.
I’m a tiny schoolchild, and Ms. LaBonz is a rich and powerful fourth grade teacher.
Um, grade school teachers probably aren’t that rich and powerful.
Well, Mr. De Santo has a pleather jacket.
Those aren’t cheap.
Also, I wonder what it’ll be like for Ms. LaBonz when she reads it.
She’ll probably just raise her fist and say, “You’ve bested me this time, Louise!”
I don’t know. Why don’t you pretend I’m her and read it to me?
Just read it.
Wait, hold on. I got to get into character.
(same voice): Am I doing her voice right? Yeah, that’s it.
Okay, I’m just gonna give you a few highlights.
“Ms. LaBonz is so burned-out that when she burps, she sets off smoke alarms.”
Um… (clears throat) “She taught us about fossils.
By being one.”
You know what, forget that part. Um, um…
“Ms. LaBonz is so boring, if she was a color, she’d be off-beige. She’s huffy and stuffy. She’s…”
(groans) Why isn’t this fun?!
I did the right thing.
Okay. Now you be Lady Gaga and I’ll be Mom.
It’s a conversation I’ve always been curious about.
Lin, I’ve been in Mort’s crematorium.
It’s sad and scary and kind of the opposite of resting in peace.
Bob, maybe we just agree to disagree and each do our own thing.
You get your dirt and your trees and your worms.
I get the sky and the sea.
Okay, fine, I guess I’ll just be alone for eternity.
Or, who knows, maybe someone interesting will get buried next to me and, you know, we’ll hit it off and hang out.
Are you trying to make me jealous?
He’s kind of making me jealous.
I’m just gonna be open to whatever happens.
Hello, Bob, Linda.
It’s the first of the month somewhere.
Ha! Pay me rent.
Oh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
Is it the first already?
Yes, somewhere. And here.
What’s this, cemetery brochures?
You’re not planning on dying, are you, to skip out on the rent?
The old die-and-dash?
No, nobody’s dying, Mr. Fischoeder.
We all die, Bob.
I’ll tell you my death plan. I’m getting a little consortium of fun and flirty dead people together and our mortal remains will be tossed into and purified by an active volcano.
Ooh, which volcano?
We’re still looking around.
It’ll be one of the better ones.
Love it. I’m in.
Oh, my God.
Where do I sign up?
no and no.
Oh. Ms. LaBonz,
I thought you’d be headed down to Mr. Frond’s office.
I’ve got to go to my car to get something first, and by “something,” I don’t mean nicotine gum that I need more than anything else in the world right now.
Well, I’m just getting my diorama to take home.
It’s our only cotton ball, so…
By the way, Louise, what I was trying to say before…
The reason I gave you the crummy grade on the diorama.
It’s because you’re very bright.
But you don’t work hard.
I need to motivate you.
I’ve noticed that anger and vengeance really get your motor running.
Doesn’t sound like me.
And it worked, right?
Your next assignment… The oral presentation…
That was a solid A-minus. Remember?
And that concludes my report.
And now would anyone care for Latvia’s popular savory pastry, piradzini?
I did not work harder on that.
I had a lot of soda and I couldn’t sleep.
And we happened to have all the ingredients for piradzini!
I’m just saying, I still have a few moves, huh?
So she made me get an A-minus?
Maybe LaBonz is… (sighs)
actually kind of an okay teacher?
And person? If teachers are, in fact, people.
I mean, Gene and I both had her for fourth grade, and she really got us to step up our game.
Wait, you guys used to be… worse students?
Oh, yeah. I didn’t do school so good.
Now I do school not so bad.
There she goes, walking out to the overflow lot.
And walking. And walking.
Crap. I don’t want Ms. LaBonz to see my evaluation now.
It’s… not nice.
Getting smaller. Crossing the train tracks.
Should she have just taken the train there?
It’s actually just mean.
Ooh, there’s a big puddle in her way.
Maybe even nasty.
Is she turning around? No, she’s gonna jump it!
Oh! So close.
I got to get that evaluation back.
Is that dog attacking her?
Never mind. She fought it off.
Hey, Mr. Frond, I, uh, need to take back my evaluation.
It has curse words in it, and I know how delicate you are.
Once an evaluation goes into the system…
Which is my canvas messenger bag… that’s it.
Plus, see all these poor saps waiting?
Sor-Sorry, Mr. De Santo. Maybe you’ll be fine.
But I have to get…
No, get your paws out of there.
Well, uh, while we have you, Gene had a weird dream he needs analyzed.
Actually, I did. I dreamt I had hair down to my butt and I could swing it like nobody’s business and heads were a-turnin’.
Wow. But I don’t have time.
Tina, you needed some emergency counseling, didn’t you?
Uh, I’m afraid books are going to miss me when I finish reading them.
Should I be worried I think that?
Let’s do this, Coach Blevins.
Oh, my God, I think I’m gonna be sick.
I’ve got a trash can. You can puke in that.
So, any progress?
Are you gonna be my customers for a change?
Calm down, Mort. They’re still deadlocked.
Hey! “Deadlocked.” You can use that if you want.
I think we’re just not gonna figure it out today.
So we’re back to plan B… Don’t get hit by a bus.
No. You know what? Whatever we do after we’re gone, Lin,
I just want it to be together.
So, if you want your ashes spread somewhere crazy or you want to be thrown into a volcano, that’s what I want, too.
I just want to be with you.
Even if we’re dead.
Aw, Bobby. Hey, maybe being buried isn’t so bad.
It’d kind of be like laying around in bed Sunday mornings before the kids were born, right?
Yeah, but what about the worms?
Well, maybe they’ll eat you first and be like, “Eh, this place sucks. Let’s try another cemetery.”
Thanks, Lin. I-I think.
No pressure, but here are some prices if you want to lock in now and beat inflation.
Oh, my God.
That’s for two?
We’re not buying the whole row!
Forget it. We’ll never afford that.
You know, I-I got a pretty big yard.
Is there a shade tree?
No, but there are some huge dandelions.
We’re just joking, Mort.
We’re not gonna do it.
I see you winking.
Not terrible scores, Coach.
I really thought someone would bring up your breath.
There’s something the matter with my breath?
So, uh, who’s next?
Ms. LaBonz, let’s do you.
Mr. Frond, can I just have one minute?
Go away, Louise.
Leave school! Can’t believe I have to say that.
What do we do? I need to get in there and explain.
Message in a bottle?
Carrier pigeon? Regular pigeon?
Start a rumor, hope it spreads in there?
Wait. There is a way.
All right, let’s just start plowing through these.
Wow. Uh, this person had a lot to say. Whew.
I’m just gonna move this box of tissues closer to you.
Let’s get it over with.
“Ms. LaBonz is so burned-out…”
LOUISE: Hi, I’m an anonymous student with an updated evaluation.
And if I sound like someone you know, I’m not.
Anyway, please disregard the evaluation with the amazing zings.
That one got out by mistake.
I may have been hacked.
My real review is that, sure, Ms. LaBonz is grizzled and grumpy
and coughs on you while you’re taking tests.
But underneath that rough exterior, there’s a… soft chewy center that does a pretty good job teaching and… (sighs) brings out the best in her students.
So, on a one-to-five scale, I’m giving her, across the board, sixes.
It’s a rave!
LaBonz, you sly fox.
Six? There’s no six.
(sniffles) What are you looking at?
And, Mr. Frond, you’re a three.
On a good day.
And I am, again, anonymous.
You don’t know who I am.
Or who we are, in case we’re not supposed to be in here.
-(click) -I think I turned it off. Good job, Louise.
GENE: You did, Tina. You totally turned it off.
TINA: Thanks, Gene.
So, back to just a normal school day.
Reading, writing and what’s that third one?
Oh, yeah, the Eurythmics.
(groans) I don’t want to face LaBonz today.
I mean, who knows if my intercom evaluation even counted?
Move it, if you don’t want to be three wet spots wearing backpacks.
Ms. LaBonz, you got the main lot!
Principal Spoors heard your evaluation.
I mean, who didn’t?
He bumped me up. So…
thank you, Louise.
I mean, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.
Uh, I’ll see you inside.
And I won’t be paying attention.
I won’t even notice ’cause I’ll be gazing out the window at my new parking space.
Oh, and my next project is going to be extra terrible.
Don’t go to any special trouble, Louise.
I never do.
LOUISE: We will see.
They’re gonna miss the bell.
And all of school, maybe?
Yeah, get a classroom.
♪ I’ll be tossed in a volcano ♪
♪ When I’m dead, how can I say no? ♪
♪ It’s explosive, it’s expansive ♪
♪ It’s exclusive and it’s new ♪
♪ It’ll be so nice to think ♪
♪ That I’ll never be extinct ♪
♪ So much harder to forget than you ♪
♪ Yes, I’ll be around ♪
♪ I’ll be the hot new thing in town ♪
♪ Unlike you and you and you ♪
♪ I’ll be around ♪
♪ Unlike you, Bob, I’ll be around. ♪