Original air date: November 14, 2021
Linda tries to solve a sisterly conflict by lofting Louise’s bed, so as to make space for a desk in her cramped room. Meanwhile, the restaurant plays host to a seemingly endless “Mages And Monsters” gaming event.
* * *
LINDA: ♪ Lookin’ at ♪
♪ The receipts from the restaurant ♪
♪ Keep ’em in a shoebox ♪
♪ ‘Cause we’re so organized ♪
♪ Accountants think we’re great. ♪
It’s just we’ve sold so few burgers of the day last month.
Well, last month was stupid. What does it know?
I don’t get it. I spend all this time and energy
picking out fun ingredients for the burgers of the day.
And last month, we had some really good ones.
The Stilton of the Night burger.
The… If I Had a Pumper-nickel Burger.
The Arugulas of Engagement Burger. I mean, come on.
Yeah, they’re all home runs or grand slams or whichever one of those is better.
I guess people just like what’s familiar.
That’s why I stick with the two of you.
Hey, there’s some of my old photos at the bottom of this box.
How’d they get there?
They’re supposed to be in the “I’m gonna make an amazing photo album someday” box.
And you’re definitely gonna make that photo album.
(gasps) Look. This is when I had braces. Ha.
Talk about heavy metal.
Ooh, awkward-phase Mommy.
Braces in all the right places.
Aw. Here’s a picture of the fort my dad built in our backyard.
That looks like a great… fort.
Is this one of those Back to the Future pictures where the fort disappeared because your mom fell in love with you?
Well, my dad bought the wood, and he started to build it, but he never actually finished it.
I think the game came on, then he had to go to the bathroom, then it was dinnertime, and then it was winter.
I asked my mom if she could help me build it, and she said she and I weren’t the kind of people who build stuff.
That sounds like something awful your mom would say.
That’s not genetic, right? I built a bear that one time.
Yeah. This might not go in the amazing photo album drawer.
Maybe that’s why it was in the sad receipt box.
Sorry, Bob. Great receipts.
This one’s great.
Somebody ordered extra cheese. 50 cents.
That’s going in the college fund.
Which one of us is going to college? Not it.
Tina, we have to defuse this bomb before it explodes.
Because that’s what bombs do.
The bomb is too sensitive for wire cutters.
We’ll have to use our lips to defuse it.
Both of us, at the same time.
Well, we trained for this.
Yeah, we did. A lot.
Mmm… Ah, ah.
It’s my turn to use the desk.
So if you could just wrap it up and wipe all your drool off, that would be great.
But you already had your turn. It’s my turn.
Look, I’m sorry we have to share a desk, and I’m sorry I have a small room that is actually a closet, but I need an extra session because this assignment is a big deal.
It’s Dinosaur Week, Tina. Dinosaur Week!
I have to write an essay about my favorite dinosaur, I have to make a poster, I have to write a letter to my favorite dinosaur. I am swamped.
I remember Dinosaur Week. I did iguanodon.
My letter to the dinosaur made Mom cry.
Yes, so, as you know, if you don’t participate to the fullest extent, you do not get donuts at the end of the week, which they call Dinosaur Donuts, ’cause they’re so big, I bet.
No, they’re just regular donuts.
Okay, well, they’re still donuts.
So, move. Spinosaurus is a’calling.
I know your room is too small for a desk, Louise, but there are lots of other flat surfaces in the house that you could use.
Then go use one.
Spinosaurus? More like whine-o-saurus.
I’d like to see them try to resist the I Bean Of Greenie Burger with black bean parsley puree.
Yeah, only a real sicko wouldn’t order that.
People are probably gonna want to take a selfie with that burger while smelling it.
Thank you, Gene.
She’s upstairs doing homework.
In my room, on my desk.
Louise is doing homework on a Saturday?
Should I be worried?
It’s Dinosaur Week, which would be fine, if we weren’t a friggin’ one-desk house.
Sorry, sorry. Having three kids was a great idea.
(gasps) Wait a second.
I just figured out how we can put a desk in Louise’s room.
All we have to do is loft her bed.
Lofter is the best medicine.
Yeah, when my cousin Ronnie lived in New York, he had this tiny studio apartment, and he lofted his bed, and he put a little love seat under there.
But, uh, didn’t quite work out for him.
It was more of a like seat. Poor Ronnie.
Uh… I guess that might work.
Teddy could probably build something like that in a way that costs very little money, hopefully.
I think that’s a great idea, Mom.
And I’m not just saying that because I’ve got a bomb squad that needs to do tongue-building exercises.
I’m gonna go upstairs and tell Louise the good news.
Right now? Should we ask Teddy what it will cost first?
Oh, you’re already going up there.
I’ll go help Mom make the sale to Louise.
I’m a good hype man. Check this out.
What a great idea!
That’ll definitely do it.
Hi. Welcome to Bob’s Burgers.
Weird question. I was wondering if you allowed gaming here?
Well, I play a game called “Register Surprise,” where I hide cold French fries in the register for my parents to find. They love it.
We don’t. Uh, what kind of gaming?
My friends and I play this role-playing game called Mages and Monsters, and we kind of need a place to do our campaign today because the garage we usually use has a Jeep in it now.
Oh, Mages and Monsters. I-I think I’ve heard of that.
You’ve heard of something?
I thought this would be a good spot to play because it’s… not so… busy all the time.
We don’t like the hustle bustle.
Well, it’s a pretty long game, so we’ll be here for a while, and I promise we’ll order lots of food and drinks.
I’m the Game Master so I’m kind of in charge today.
It’s my first time, actually.
Sorry. I do that when I get nervous.
When I go real fast, it gets hot on my neck.
I think I see smoke.
My name’s Shirley, by the way.
So, you can call me that. (laughs) Oh, my God.
I just really want this to go well.
Say “yes” so she doesn’t drawstring her head off.
Uh, sure. Why not?
Oh, thank you so much.
See you in a couple hours.
Okay, see you later.
(door bells tinkle)
Hey, Dad, check the register.
There might be a surprise. Hmm?
LINDA: And your bed’s gonna be going up here so you can put a little desk underneath, and then you two won’t have to share one anymore, and…
Oh, look at that. I just won the Smartest Mom Award.
In your face, other moms.
What a great idea!
Yes, yes, yes! I love it.
I’m almost angry at you for not thinking of it sooner.
I can’t believe I slept like this for so long.
What a great idea!
Thank you, Tina, she’s in.
Are we doing it today? It gets built today, I’m strapped in by tomorrow, I’m eating donuts by the end of the week.
And I sleep in the clouds like the gods!
Yeah, today. Why not? Let’s do it. I’ll call Teddy.
Sorry, Linda. I’d love to help you, but, uh, I’m in Canada.
You’re in Canada? What the hell are you doing in Canada?
My mom ordered a scooter on Canadian eBay, and we had to come pick it up.
(truck horn honking)
We’re driving it back down.
She loves that thing, but she doesn’t like to go fast.
What do you want me to do?!
Go around. Elderly woman scooting.
Linda, I got to go.
Well, Teddy’s in Canada. He won’t be able to help us.
No, Teddy! You get on a plane, and you come home right now!
Yeah, Teddy. Get your ass back here.
He hung up. He hung up. Geez.
We were so close. (sighs)
Okay, you know what? Louise, you are getting that loft bed.
Today. Because we don’t need Teddy.
No, we don’t. Because I’m not my mom.
I raise kids that are the kind of people who build things.
We’re loft bed builders.
Okay, hands in.
Wait a minute. What are we doing?
Hands in. We’re gonna build a loft bed because we are strong, capable people who aren’t gonna make the mistakes their mother-slash-father made because I’m doing a really good job parenting, on three.
One, two, three.
LINDA AND LOUISE: We’re gonna build a loft bed…
TINA: We’re gonna build a bed because we’re strong and something about Grandma and Grandpa, and yay.
What a great idea.
So, we’re building the loft bed?
No, we’re building a loft bed.
You have to work in the restaurant.
It’s funny. I was thinking that you also have to work in the restaurant.
Well, Gene can help you.
(chanting) I’m a little juice box.
This is where the straw goes.
Hmm. I-I have a crazy idea.
we wait ’till next weekend. Teddy builds the loft bed.
And this weekend, we all work in the restaurant so we can pay our rent.
Ugh. You and your rent.
I-I’m… I’m sorry to be so hung up on it.
Dad, it is Dinosaur Week.
Do not get between me and those donuts, old man.
She’s been sleeping near the floor like an idiot.
We need to get this kid lofted and out of my room.
But Louise, don’t you need to work on your dinosaur project, like, today?
Hey, this is my new loft bed we’re talking about.
I’ll work twice as hard tomorrow if I can sleep twice as high tonight.
Bob, this is important.
It’s something I’m teaching our girls.
Okay, yes, I get it. We’ll be fine.
Uh-oh. Where’d the straw go? Is it inside me?
I hate it when it gets lost in the juice box!
Oh, there it is.
I can’t believe how many videos there were on the Internet about how to build loft beds.
They’ll teach you anything, those Internets.
Do you think anyone ever built a loft bed and didn’t made a video about it?
I just hope Kim and Sons Hardware has a fireworks control panel.
(laughs) I assume they do.
And some reasonable water slide options.
It’s gonna be amazing.
So you have no retinal scanners?
I mean, did you look? Do you want to check in the back?
We do not have them.
Do these blueprints mean nothing?
I worked really hard on them in the five minutes it took to drive here.
Louise, it’s okay. We’ll do the basics this week, and we can always add to it.
I’ll help you put up the barbed wire if we figure out where to get some.
Don’t patronize me.
BOB: Hey, guys, uh, not sure if you’ve had a chance to look at the board over there, but our burger of the day is the I Bean of Greenie Burger.
It’s really good. Everyone says so.
Gene, can get you started on drinks, and we’ll take your order when you’re ready.
What are we thinking? Mai tais?
We don’t have those.
I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries.
Same for me, but no cheese.
Oh, okay, everyone’s ordering really quickly.
I-I feel like you didn’t really let the burger of the day sink in.
I-I can give you some time. There’s-there’s no rush.
I’d love to try the burger of the day.
Oh. That is… There you go. Good.
Uh, Shirley’s gonna try the burger of the day.
Uh, any-anybody else?
No, just regular stupid burgers? I’m just kidding.
They’re not stupid. They’re gonna be good.
And… loft. Ah, didn’t work.
I got the drill.
We have a drill?
Yeah. Phyllis Driller. She’s old, but she’s still working.
It has a burning smell.
Is it powered by coal?
Look, we have a saw, too.
I call the drill.
Let’s get loftin’!
Okay. Oh, boy. Should we maybe…
…discuss safety? Aah!
♪ Building a loft ♪
♪ Building a loft ♪
♪ Playin’ a game ♪
♪ Makin’ ’em kiss ♪
♪ Playin’ a game ♪
♪ And we’re building a loft. ♪
You notice a chest in the corner.
The lid is carved with goblin hieroglyphs.
Sounds like something from Etsy.
Do you attempt to open it? I’ll let you discuss.
It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be good.
Don’t run away. It’s fine. It’s all fine.
Wait, are you gonna run away?
No. No, no, no, no. I don’t think so. I’m fine.
I’m just a little nervous. I’m trying something new.
I wanted to do something exciting and a little different, but they might not like it.
Exciting and a little different is what I call my “hmm-hmm.”
But maybe it’s not worth it.
Maybe I should just bail on my whole goblin idea and play it safe.
I don’t know exactly what you’re talking about, but I would maybe try the exciting thing?
(sighs heavily) Okay, okay. I’m doing it.
Uh, hey, does anyone else want to try the burger of the day?
Since you all seem to keep being here.
Uh, fries. For the whole table. Keep ’em coming.
We’re gonna attempt to open the chest.
Okay. The lid opens, but a blinding green light comes out of it.
This, my friends, is the Curse of the Goblin King.
What a twist. I think.
And here are your new character sheets.
You all love this. I can tell by your faces.
Okay, um, now, uh, as the mist clears, you see that you’ve been turned into… goblins.
I’m a short, male goblin named Grumley?
I have goblin syphilis?
(quietly) She was right. They don’t like it.
Maybe I’ll tell them they’re all Shreks now.
Shake things up even more.
Well, I don’t know what that is, but it’s starting to look like something I can sleep on.
Mom, I got to say, you might not seem like you know what you’re doing, but you know what you’re doing.
I do. Me and that nice lady who made the video with the awful music.
Check us out. We’re getting there.
Just most of it left to go.
Should we take a break? Just process everything that we’ve done, maybe journal about it?
No, sweetie, we’re on a roll.
We got to finish this sucker.
Yeah, Tina. You don’t sleep until I sleep.
That’s the spirit.
We’re strong, we’re capable, get used to it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ow. Ow!
Are you okay?
Were you trying to break that board with your elbow?
Aah! Oh! Everything’s fine.
Okay, let’s do this. Ow!
Oh. Oh, broke my arm.
No, I didn’t. Ow. Yes, I did.
Oh, it hurts. Oh, it hurts. We’re fine. Ow. Ow.
See? She’s fine?
Mom, I feel like you really hurt your elbow.
What? Just because it’s throbbing and I’m crying a little bit and I want to cut it off?
Well, we’re not giving up.
You two girls have all your arm parts.
I can just tell you what to do.
Shouldn’t we stop and let Dad know you maybe broke your elbow?
And then take you to a doctor?
No. I don’t need an elbow or a doctor.
We’re doing this.
Yeah, Tina, if Mama says she’s okay, then Mama’s okay, okay?
We’re talking about my loft bed.
Dreams. We’re building dreams here!
This is a really long game. Longer than Monopoly.
And you don’t even get to dabble in real estate or visit your sister in jail.
Yeah, it’s almost time to close.
But I don’t want to just ask them to leave.
Because you feel really guilty about telling Shirley to do the exciting new thing and now everybody hates her?
(sighs) Kind of, yes. But, I mean, we have to close.
Why don’t you start casually sweeping up?
You know me. I always sweep it casual.
Yay. This is so much more fun than playing as the character I spent six years building up.
(singsongy) Sweep, sweep, sweeping.
Something we do at the end of the day.
You know what? I’ll be right back.
I just need to get, uh, some more, uh, napkins.
Oh, they hate it. Uh, they hate it very, very much.
They don’t seem too mad about it.
Maybe they sigh and roll their eyes when they like things?
I just… I thought, having to fight your way back to your character would be more satisfying than just the same old same old.
But I’m an idiot. No one likes it.
Well, the good news is we have to close, so it’ll be over soon, at least?
No! You can’t close now. If we end it like this, they’ll never trust me to be Game Master again.
You could find another hobby. I like fake sweeping.
Please, please stay open a little longer.
I just need a bit more time.
I guess we can stay open for a little bit longer.
Okay, I spent an appropriate amount of time getting these napkins for us.
Also, Bob said he can stay open longer so we can keep the game going.
Good luck, and maybe finish soon.
And enjoy the napkins.
You got to hold it straight, honey.
The drill’s got to be straight. And Tina, stop wincing.
Here comes the spinning rod of death!
You moved. You have to hold it in place.
I’m scared of the spinning rod of death.
Okay. All right, why don’t you switch? Tina, take the drill.
Louise, hold the board. Come on.
Ugh. I’ll never forgive you for this.
Uh, uh, no, no, no, no, no! This is not gonna work.
You have to open your eyes.
Well, I don’t want to see if I maim you.
I think you should have to see.
Hold on, hold on. Don’t drill. Don’t drill.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, Lin. Why-Why’d you say “Ow”?
It’s a long story. How you doing? You coming up?
(sighs) No. We’re gonna be staying open a little later, so I-I can’t come up there and help with the loft.
Not that I’d be very helpful because of me not knowing how to do that.
Well, don’t worry about us. I don’t have a broken arm.
The loft’s going good.
Did-did you just say you don’t have a broken arm?
Yeah, it hurts a lot, and I can’t move it at all, but we’re fine. We’re fine.
Oh, God. Lin, you don’t have to finish the bed, like, now.
You-you could wait for Teddy to come back.
No. We’re gonna get this thing done tonight, no matter what.
I love you. Have fun down there, make some good burgers.
I will. I mean, they’re not really ordering burgers, but… O-Oh, you’re gone.
The scroll tells of an amulet with the powers to undo dark magic.
Gene, you have to go to bed.
No. I’m not gonna leave you. What if you turn into a goblin?
Then who’s gonna walk me down the aisle?
Why don’t you just go lay down in the booth?
And close your eyes and just listen?
Ooh, like a podcast about annoyed people.
Okay, okay, stop!
It’s in. It’s in!
Stop! You’re stripping the screw!
Stripping the screw in a good way?
Is it even holding any wood together?
I don’t know, but it… looks nice.
Oh. It’s crazy late, and there’s more wood in the pile than there is on the bed.
We’re not gonna be able to finish this tonight.
Or maybe ever.
What? No, the night is young.
Come on. You two can cuddle with me in my bed.
Bob and Gene have left us. It’s just us now.
Can I sleep with the drill?
Maybe no drill?
(yawns) I didn’t think I was gonna be sleeping at sea level tonight.
Eh, I just wanted to give you the confidence that you could do stuff that my mom never gave me.
But I failed, and now I only have one arm.
And it’s not even my favorite arm. (moans)
At least you still have your second-favorite?
No, I failed.
Wow. A cry-snore.
Ugh. That sound’s gonna haunt my dreams.
(Tina snores, moans)
Oof, that sound, too.
Unsheathe my sword and demand he let us pass.
♪ Venturing to new ♪
♪ Unchartered burger lands ♪
♪ But no one cares ♪
♪ No one seems to understand ♪
♪ I seek out tasty combos through my exploring ♪
♪ But no one’s interested ♪
♪ Because they’re all ♪
♪ Dumb and boring. ♪
(yawns) I forget what it was like when these guys weren’t here.
Yeah, they’re still here. We’re still here.
But I don’t know if the outside world is still there.
I’m really losing it.
Gene, why don’t you go upstairs and go back to sleep?
I’m too invested. I want to find out what happens to these twentysomethings.
Time’s running out. You have to make a choice now.
The chamber will fill with water at any moment.
Come on, people. Use what you have.
What if we stand on each other’s shoulders?
Yes! I mean, yes.
Yeah, and then we can reach the amulet.
Mm-hmm. Roll D20. You need a 14 or higher.
Oh, like the candles.
You take possession of the amulet.
And you are transformed back into… your original characters!
Congratulations. Good job, players.
And me, also. Your Game Master.
Oh, thank God. Um, hey, I have your check ready.
So, next time can we just play the game the regular the way?
That made us all happy to begin with?
(sighs) Yeah, sure.
Wait. Wait. Wait a second.
Uh, I’ve been watching you guys play this game for so, so many hours.
And you all got into it.
Y-You all had intense, game-playing faces for, like, the last three hours. And-and look– look at how chewed these straws are.
No one chews a straw that much unless they’re really concentrating.
And yeah, Shirley made a different choice, and it wasn’t what you guys were used to, but I think you were actually into it.
Yeah, you were. You guys barely peed at all. That we know of.
Look, I-I make a burger of the day.
Only Shirley ordered it, unfortunately.
It-It’s different than the usual burger.
But I make a new one every day, even if people don’t always think they want it.
Because it keeps things interesting.
Like what Shirley was trying to do with the game.
Well, it did make things tougher.
We really had to think on our toes.
Your little goblin toes.
I guess, it did kind of make me feel the way I did when I first started playing.
Nervous. Like, in a good way.
Yeah. So, well done, Game Master.
Thanks. No big deal. I’m playing it cool. (chuckles)
So, that’s great.
You guys should probably pay me money and then go.
I’m actually kind of hungry.
I would try the I Bean of Greenie Burger.
I’ll try one, too.
Really? I-I was gonna go to sleep for a couple hours before we open again, but sure, I’ll make you guys burgers of the day.
Or-or burgers of the yesterday, actually.
(laughs) God, I need sleep.
I would like a western omelet with fresh fruit.
And maybe a side of linguica?
What? What’s that?
Oh, my God. Girls, what’s going on in here?
I couldn’t sleep and Tina couldn’t, either, ’cause I woke her up, and then, we couldn’t build the whole bed ’cause we ran into some issues with our height and not being able to lift heavy things like adult people can.
But we did add these almost full-sized legs to the bed frame, which are almost all even.
Yeah, and here’s a nail where I can hang my throwing stars.
And if you really squeeze it in there, you could fit a desk.
Like, a laying-down desk?
Wow! You stayed up to do this? All by yourselves?
I’m so proud of my two strong babies, my builders.
TINA: Don’t cry, Mom. You’re gonna make me cry.
Actually, I think I’m just so, so tired.
Okay, I’m climbing up. Somebody give me a boost.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on.
Let’s maybe check your measurements again after you get some sleep. At ground level.
You’re builders. You know how it is. It’s part of the process.
(yawns) Ooh, I got to do my dinosaur report.
Should we get started on the desk?
Take a break, take a break.
You’re amazing, but let’s get you some breakfast.
Then you can go to sleep and maybe do your homework after.
And then we can get Teddy to finish everything up for us.
I don’t sleep anymore. Don’t need it.
I make stuff and then I do dinosaur stuff.
But I might lie down on the rug real quick.
(yawns) Oh, yeah, the floor does look kind of comfy.
Let me just… Mm. Yup. Sawdust makes it softer.
Aw, my little handy hamsters.
Hmm. What food can I make with one arm?
Ooh, toast! See, other arm? I don’t need you.
♪ Loft bed, got to get my little bod ♪
♪ Up there, sleeping with the gods ♪
♪ Loft bed, I will get some R and R ♪
♪ Next to all my throwing stars. ♪
LOUISE: I just hope Kim and Sons Hardware has a fireworks control panel. I-I assume they do.
And some reasonable water slide options.
♪ Loft bed, if I have to pee at night ♪
♪ Loft bed, I will hold the ladder tight ♪
♪ Loft bed, I hope I don’t fall down, loft. ♪