Bob’s Burgers – S12E06 – Beach, Please | Transcript

Louise and Mr. Fischoeder engage in a battle of wits when the Belcher kids take part in a beach clean-up for Wagstaff Volunteer Day; Teddy surprises Bob and Linda with his new look.
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Bob's Burgers - S12E06 - Beach, Please

Original air date: November 7, 2021

The Wagstaff kids are assigned cleanup duty on the beach near Wonder Wharf by Mr Frond, and soon rebel against this unpaid labour. Louise forges a “food and park rides for work” deal with Mr Fischoeder over the garbage issue, but will he keep his side of the bargain? Meanwhile, Teddy has grown a mustache eerily similar to Bob’s.

* * *

[♪ ♪]

All right, beach clean‐up people.

The first ever Wagstaff Volunteer Day

is about to begin.

I just gave this little speech to the sidewalk gum‐scrapers, but I’ll say it again here.

Yes, all of this was my idea.

One day I drove past a busload of prisoners picking up trash and I thought,

“What about that, but for schoolchildren?”

And Wagstaff Mandatory Volunteer Day was born.

Wow, I’m glad you didn’t drive by something way worse.

Like a CrossFit.

Everyone stay in line.

I’ll be right back, I just have to go potty.

Maybe I shouldn’t volunteer that info.

Hmm? (chuckles) All right, whatever.

Beach clean‐up, huh, guys?

Did we pick the best activity or what?

Uh, yeah, duh.

Do you think it’ll be like cleaning up at the restaurant?

Because I am pretty good at that.

I mean, it’s not more greasy after you clean.

Sucks to be those kids.

They waited too long and now they have to shelve books at the public library.

Ew. Ew to books, ew to all of it.

I mean, public library could be cool.

Yeah, the library has magazines.

Maybe we should’ve picked the library, Zeke.

Nah, J‐Ju.

I’m second‐guessing.

Look at me. Stay strong, girl.

Guys, it’s no contest.

This beach clean‐up is literally a day at the beach.

[♪ ♪]

High‐five, pelican, high‐five.

Okay, everyone, load up.

Nothing beats doing good while not doing much, huh, guys?

Should we send our jacket sizes to the Nobel Prize people?

I assume the winners get jackets?

LINDA: Okay, Teddy.

See you soon.

What was that about?

Teddy called to say he’s almost here.

So, now he calls to tell us he’s coming in?

Yeah, he says he’s coming in to eat, and also get ready for something exciting.

Oh, God. What could that mean?

If I wanted exciting, I would’ve gone to the falafel place for lunch.

They have a very large fish tank.

You know, Teddy hasn’t been in in like two weeks.

I hope he didn’t join a cult.

I mean, it’s amazing he’s gone this long without joining one.

What the…?

What’s happening?

Bob. Linda. You’re there, probably, right?

It’s me. Teddy. Oof.

Hi, Teddy.

Oh. Hello, Mort.

Teddy, why are you doing that?

‘Cause of the surprise. You’re gonna love it.

Wait, is Mort sitting on my stool?

No…

Teddy.

Just give us the surprise before you break something, okay?

You asked for it. Ta‐da.

Whoa.

I know, right?

You grew a mustache?

Freddie Mercury, meet Teddy Mercury.

Always got to bring it back to a dead person, huh, Mort?

What? No. Do I do that?

So what do you think?

I like it.

It’s good. It’s facial hair.

Thanks.

Guess I’ll be ordering burgers for two from now on.

Huh, Bobby?

(laughs)

Uh, yep. Could you stop stroking it?

It’s‐it’s hard to watch.

Yeah. Little bit.

Sorry, sorry.

Thanks.

How do you not touch it, you know?

Mm.

Uh‐oh. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

Yeah.

Mm‐hmm, yep.

Is everyone excited about helping their community?

When I say “helping,” you say “my community.”

Helping.

Can we be the ones who say “helping”?

Yeah, I want to say “helping.”

What? No.

Helping.

Don’t‐‐ I did not authorize that, Zeke.

Helping. Wait, what are we doing?

Okay, never mind. Sit quietly, we’re almost there.

Mm, we are gonna look so good picking up trash.

We’re gonna look amazing in our selfies. Of ourselves.

We’re gonna inspire so many less hot people to pick up trash.

You already inspired me to want to jump out the window while the bus is moving.

And we’re here. Everybody out.

Get ready for an easy, breezy beach day, people.

You said it, sister.

Oh.

Are those underpants tangled in fishing line?

(stammering) Don’t touch those.

Oh, no.

Biggest cleaning challenge ever?

Meet Tina. We’re gonna get along just fine.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, listen up, you will sort all trash into recyclables, non‐recyclables, and a third category we’ll call “unspeakables.”

Which brings me to gloves. Trust me: wear the gloves.

Gimme, gimme, gimme! These make it seem like I’m really doing this.

You are doing this.

Right.

Okay, get to it.

If you need me, I’ll be over there, watching like a hawk but also making a quick call to the cable company.

I’m somehow being charged for three cable boxes.

Has that happened to any of you? No?

(wind blowing)

(all clamoring)

It’s a filthy cold garbage beach.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I was gonna high‐five a pelican.

More fishing line undies.

What’s with these fish losing their underwear?

What the heck was I thinking?

I live here. I forgot how horrible our town is. Blech.

Are you sure you’re not just excited about how fun and difficult this is gonna be?

Oh, hey, look, a hermit crab. Fun already.

Cool crab fact: they’re not actually hermits.

They’re pretty social.

This is no time for your aquarium mumbo jumbo, Tina.

Yeah, enough of your crab‐aganda.

They also change their shells when they outgrow them.

Like me and shoes every two months.

I wish I could change shells.

I’d change into the shell of a kid who didn’t have to clean this friggin’ beach.

Oh, shell yes.

Question about my bill.

Question. About. My bill.

Am I not saying that clearly?

I told you I don’t have any food.

Looks like you made a friend, Gene.

I guess I drop a lot of food when I come to Wonder Wharf and the gulls have noticed.

I don’t have anything right now.

Don’t look at me like that.

Ugh. Soda cups. Paper plates.

This is all stuff from Wonder Wharf.

JIMMY JR.: Look, Zeke.

The wrapper for a foot‐long taco dog.

Oh, man, that’s making me hungry.

Comes with that chunky cheese dippin’ sauce.

Mmm, chunky.

Give me the wrapper. I want to smell it.

And the seagull also wants to smell it.

I just put it in my trash bag.

Ah, fine. He’s got nothing for us.

Hey, Mickey.

Bunny Ears.

Are you small or are you just far away?

Both. Hey, you still work at the wharf, right?

Yep, until my ship comes in.

I applied to work on a ship.

Why aren’t Wonder Wharf people picking up all this Wonder Wharf trash?

I don’t know. Ask Mr. Fischoeder.

He’s right next to you.

Ooh.

Yes, he is. Hi.

Please stop badgering my employee.

Carnies are delicate creatures.

Interaction with the outside world confuses them.

Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

Hi, whichever one you are.

You’re late, I assume. Go to work.

Quick, but have fun.

Ah, the lovely, stinky ocean.

Just out for my daily salt‐stitutional.

Salty sea air keeps me well‐preserved, like a ham hock.

Mr. Fischoeder. Look at this.

All this trash is from Wonder Wharf.

And now I have to pick it up because school is making me because they’re monsters.

Now, now, there’s no way to know where that trash comes from.

It could be from anywhere.

“From the desk of Calvin Fischoeder.”

It’s a very common name.

How do I know it’s not from your desk?

Maybe you’re Calvin Fischoeder.

Anyway, thanks for all the free child labor.

It’s the best kind of labor, after all.

You’re not welcome. I mean, shouldn’t you be paying to clean this up?

Some would say so, but people keep volunteering to do it for me.

School groups, do‐gooders. You know, squares.

Now excuse me, I have to de‐salt before I attend to my wharf duties.

Mmm. Yes, I might have overdone it today.

Hmm, wait. If volunteers like us didn’t clean the beach, then nobody would?

And everyone would blame you and be mad?

I don’t like where this is going.

I think what I need is some motivation, like, I don’t know, a free foot‐long taco dog?

Now, if I gave you an FLTD, I’d have to give one to everyone.

Well… yeah. So, how ’bout it?

(groans) You’re a pesky garbage urchin, aren’t you?

Does that mean yes?

Whoa‐ho, volunteering is rewarding.

Okay, Jocelyn, and make a face like, “Oh, my God, I’m doing a good thing and I don’t even care who sees.”

Got it.

Great.

Um, you kind of just dropped that trash back on the beach after you took your picture… maybe you want to just pop that in your bag?

Don’t be a bag nag, Tina.

Yeah. My bag’s clean.

I don’t want to get trash on it.

Everyone. Attention?

I just wanted to let you know that I convinced Mr. Fischoeder to give us free foot‐long taco dogs if we clean the beach.

(kids cheering)

Um, is that all?

What do you mean, “is that all?”

It’s free foot‐long taco dogs, Tammy, that you were not getting before, but now you are.

I mean, cleaning a whole beach for some hot dogs?

It’s a foot‐long taco dog!

Don’t call it a hot dog.

Show some respect.

I’m telling her that. I know you know.

Tammy’s right… it is a lot of work for just that.

I mean, we’re supposed to clean the beach anyway.

Yeah, but not for nothing.

That’s what volunteering is.

Um, don’t think so.

Okay, I’ll be the negotiator.

Ugh! It’s easy, you just say “no, better, no, better” until you have the biggest bedroom in the house.

What? No. I can handle it.

That was just… round one, people.

Of course we’re gonna go bigger.

I’ll, uh, go back for round two right now.

Wait, Louise, maybe we should use this time to actually, I don’t know, clean up the beach?

And what about Mr. Frond?

I do not want the Sports and Extreme Outdoors Package.

I just want to watch premium dramas on one cable box and pay for just the one cable box, Derek!

Okay, he’s a little distracted.

Tina, this is good for the beach.

Because we get stuff.

The beach is happy when we’re happy.

‐ What? ‐ You get it. Okay, see you later.

Mm, you’ve still got it, Bob. Haven’t lost a step.

You mean in the two weeks you were weirdly not coming here because you were growing a mustache?

Mmm. Yeah.

What’s that?

It’s my grooming kit.

Looks fancy.

The guy at the shaving store sold it to me.

Just the basics… clippers, oils, combs, shampoos.

My ‘Stache Cash card.

That’s their Mustache Rewards program.

How much did you pay for all that?

75 bucks.

Wow.

You don’t use this stuff, Bob?

Uh, no.

Okay, walk me through your mustache regimen.

I guess I get food out of it when there’s food in it?

And…?

I think that’s about it.

Oof. Well, now we’re in this together, pal.

Pretty soon, we’ll be trading mustache advice, keeping a mustache log that we only show each other.

Mm, mm‐hmm.

Better go floss this thing.

You floss yours?

You want to join?

I’m‐I’m good.

Uh, you’re not, but okay.

Huh. Felix, too?

She’s gonna be here this afternoon to take pictures.

Do you really think she can make this junky old wharf look like a hot tourist attraction?

Sonya’s the best at photographing the worst.

She could make Chernobyl look like Cher‐yes‐byl.

It won’t be easy, especially this time of year.

Sonya said this time of year’s better actually?

Fewer people on the wharf.

Yes, people can be an eyesore.

Not you. You’re fine.

Don’t worry.

She’s gonna give us something great for the pamphlet.

Ah, pamphlets to display at hotels and airports… the lifeblood of any two‐bit circus and roadside attraction.

Someday we’ll have a nice pamphlet.

Maybe this is our year. Look, we’ll even have an actually sort of clean beach.

LOUISE: Well, well, well.

(both gasp)

Sounds like you really need the beach clean, huh?

Is someone getting their amusement park picture taken today?

We are. We were literally just talking about that.

Felix, hush.

We might be able to spruce up that sand.

But, uh, it’s gonna take more than foot‐long taco dogs.

But they’re a foot long.

I mean, we’ve tried to get them longer than that, but it doesn’t work.

They sag. It’s unsightly.

I was thinking… a free day at Wonder Wharf.

For me and every kid cleaning the beach.

Snack‐inclusive.

Fine.

If you de‐trashify the beach thoroughly from dead sea creature to sleeping guy, within your allotted volunteer hours, I’ll give you and your friends a free day on the wharf.

Yes, I guess that’s manageable.

Uh, and you shut the place down for us.

No lines, no waiting, the full Willy Wonka.

The full Willy Wonka?

Whoa.

It’s never been done.

It goes against the whole idea of making money with a business.

Okay, forget it. Hope your pictures turn out real pretty with all that garbage blowing around.

(sighs)

Very well, you win, annoying burger child.

Wait, really? Yes!

Seriously?

Hmm, she does look like a burger.

Listen up! I just got us the best prize of our sweet little lives.

Uh, as my dad says to me whenever I ask to borrow his angora sweater…

…yeah, right.

Trust me, you’re gonna like this.

Clean. Oh, yeah. Clean. Clean. Clean.

Free day on the wharf. Free day on the wharf.

Come on, Jocelyn. Pick up the pace.

Yeah, Jocelyn. I don’t want to see any slack in that sack.

God!

Don’t just stand there looking righteous.

If you want to be my plus‐one on the wharf, you’re gonna have to earn it.

Wow, Louise. I think we’re actually gonna do it.

The beach is almost not covered in trash.

Do you think it feels naked? Should we toss a shirt on it?

Well, you did it, Louise.

We’re getting the full Willy Wonka.

Wait, one of us gets to own the park at the end of the day?

No. Okay, it’s a three‐quarter Wonka.

It’s a Willy Wonk.

Wait, is that Mickey?

TINA: Mr. Fischoeder makes him boogie‐board holding bags?

Is that to entertain the tourists?

I’m into it.

Hmm.

Keep cleaning, I’ll be back.

I’m gonna see what Mickey Wetsuit over there is up to.

Boy, Teddy’s been in the bathroom for a while, huh?

He’s been in and out of there, like, five times.

He’s playing with his mustache. I know it.

Oh, Bob, so what? He likes grooming it.

You know, you could stand to give your bushel a brushing now and then.

Hmm.

Hey, Bob, when you scratch your mustache, does your leg bounce?

What is that, some kinda reflex?

That doesn’t happen to me… or anybody.

Hey, what do you do with the hairs that fall out of your mustache? Do you put ’em in a little velvet sack?

Ooh!

Okay, Teddy, let’s have a mustache talk time‐out.

Uh, okay, but real quick, time in.

I‐I called time out.

Yeah, and I called time in.

We each get three.

What?

Hey, before I forget, do you do anything special in the bathtub to pamper your mustache?

I have to go, um… away from here.

Bye.

So this is your second time‐out?

Or we’re on your first?

Mickey. How’s the surf? Up?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, just out here doing some boarding, boogie‐style.

Aren’t you supposed to be working?

Also what’s with the bag?

Oh, this? It’s all my boogie gear.

Looks like trash.

Well, that’s ’cause you don’t know much about the boogie lifestyle.

Wait a minute… did Mr. Fischoeder send you to trash the beach at the last minute, so he wouldn’t have to give us the three‐quarter Willy Wonka?

Uh…

He did, didn’t he, Mickey?

Didn’t he?

(groans) How’d you know?

Was it the whole “darting away when you saw me” thing?

I knew that looked suspicious.

I’ve always been terrible at darting. You mad?

Yeah, I’m mad. What was the plan? Spill it.

After the photographer takes her pictures, I’m supposed to wait for the signal, then spread trash on the beach.

What’s the signal?

Felix is gonna shriek like a scared peacock.

It’s the only animal sound he knows.

(groans) So unfair!

I know, poor guy. I should teach him how to moo… oh, or oink.

Anyway, let’s never lie to each other again.

But, uh, don’t tell anybody we talked, okay?

Bob. Bob.

Yeah?

Mind if I bring up a ticklish subject?

Your mustache. Get it?

‘Cause it tickles? Eh…

But, seriously, I’m looking at you and I’m seeing a dry mustache.

A real lip loofah.

I can’t do this anymore, Teddy.

I can’t talk about this anymore.

Bob…

No, Linda, it’s too much.

This is too much. I‐It’s fine that you have a mustache.

But we have to talk about other things, Teddy.

There’s a whole world out there.

Oh, you know what I think this is? You’re jealous.

Suddenly you’re not the only mustache guy.

I’m not jealous!

There’s a hot new mustache on the scene, and Bob can’t stand it!

Huh, Bob? You can’t stand it!

‘Cause I got one of these now.

That’s ridiculous, Teddy!

Oh, is it?!

Calm down, both of ya. You’re acting like babies.

Hairy babies.

Fine.

Bring me my bill and I will be on my way.

Aah! Tangle.

So I had to touch garbage and I got sand on my leg, and it was all for nothing?

I got sand on my leg, too.

At least tell me there will be foot‐long taco dogs!

I promised the seagull.

Look, I’m sorry. It’s stupid Fischoeder.

But, hey, the beach is cleaner, which is the whole reason we came here today, so yay?

And it’s not a big deal, but I cleaned the most.

Not that that makes me a better person or anything.

I wasn’t even thinking about that. (chuckles)

ZEKE: Hey, look at that.

Poor little thing’s living out of a foot‐long taco dog dippin’ sauce cup.

We never thought about the dark side of the dog.

He must’ve gotten confused at shell‐changing time.

This beach is usually so covered in garbage he doesn’t know what’s a shell and what’s not.

This is most I’ve ever been disappointed in dipping sauce.

He’s never gonna be able to get a hermit crab job or a hermit crab date. Not looking like that.

See? This is why we clean the beach.

So this guy can find his soul mate.

Wait. That’s it.

What? We do The Bachelor, but for crabs?

And we make this right?

Oh, my God, yes!

No, this little guy’s gonna get us all the way to the three‐quarter Wonka.

Tammy, I need your phone.

Hey!

Do you want a three‐quarter Wonka day or not?

(groans)

Hey, crab, say cheese.

GENE: But not “chunky cheese dipping sauce.”

Because you’re probably sensitive about that.

Okay, little garbage crab, you’re our golden ticket.

How do you find a crab’s best angle?

(groans) Let me.

(camera clicking)

Mm, that one’s cute, use that one.

But you’re in the… (groans) Good enough.

Looks like Fischoeder’s special guest is here.

I’ll be right back.

Here you go. Hope you like food.

Uh, thank you.

Lin, did you just say, “I hope you like food”?

What? I try stuff out.

Oh, no.

I’m shaving it!

I’m shaving it off!

Teddy, what are you talking about?

I’m shaving off the mustache.

(clippers buzzing)

It’s a hairy curse.

It’s tearing us apart.

Teddy, stop!

Don’t do that. I mean, do it if you want.

Just not in our restaurant.

I could, uh, uh, put a bus tub underneath to catch the hairs.

Linda, no, don’t encourage him.

Get the bus tub, Linda. I’m gonna do it.

Hello, sir. How are you?

Sorry about this, sir.

We’re best friends. We’re going through a thing.

Friends having mustache troubles, you know.

It’s not mustache troubles. Teddy, stop!

Do you want to know why I grew this thing?

No, I don’t.

Because I thought we could bond over it.

And I thought we could use a little bonding right about now, considering what happened.

What? Wh‐What happened?

I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you the “It Takes Gouda to Make a Thing Go Rye” burger wasn’t my favorite?

I don’t really remember.

Oh, sure you do. After that you got all quiet.

Short one‐word responses.

I missed us. I needed to do something.

Teddy, I wasn’t mad. I think I might not have even been listening to you.

Teddy, give me the clippers.

No. This thing’s got to go right now.

I brought it into this world, and I can take it out.

No, Teddy, keep it. It looks… great.

I’m sorry I was annoyed that you were talking about it.

And constantly combing it.

And constantly going into the bathroom to play with it so, so many times.

Well, if you weren’t mad at me about the Burger of the Day, truth is, I don’t really want this thing.

It’s itchy, and I don’t think it really suits my face.

Right? Am I right, sir?

I‐I can’t tell. Hold your finger up?

See?

Yeah. Maybe no mustache.

It’s coming off.

Fine,

but maybe not here, please?

Okay, okay. I’ll do it at home.

Anyone want to give it a touch before it’s gone?

Bob?

Bob, touch it.

Touch his mustache.

Oh, okay, fine.

Huh. It’s really silky.

Hey, Bob, I want you to have this.

Oh. Thank you, Teddy.

And just pay me whatever you think is fair.

It doesn’t have to be the full 75.

I don’t want to pay anything for it.

FISCHOEDER: What a shot.

You can barely see the seagull poop on the railings.

Yeah, it’s your best angle.

It really is.

Mr. Fischoeder?

Oh, hello,

Mr. Little Girl.

Well, we cleaned the whole beach.

So, I guess you owe us a free day at the park.

I’ll need to check your work.

I have a feeling you missed some spots.

Oh, are you talking about Mickey and his secret trash stash?

“Trash stash”?

Whatever could you mean?

Over there.

FISCHOEDER: All I see is a shy boogie‐boarder darting behind a pole.

Sonya, what do you think? Do we have what we need?

Are we pamphlet‐ready?

I’d say so.

Then, Felix? Peacock?

(Felix squawking)

Oh, no, look at that.

Well, you know hat they say.

Trashy beach, prize out of reach.

First of all, fun rhyme.

Thank you, I know.

Second of all, looks like you got a real nice picture there.

But so did I.

And if you don’t stick to our deal, the world’s gonna see this.

A selfie of a heavily made‐up teen?

No, the hermit crab behind her?

With the Wonder Wharf‐branded foot‐long taco dog cheesy chunk dipping sauce container for a shell.

Hmm.

Yeah. I’m gonna crop out Tammy, and I’m gonna put this picture on all the social media

I can figure out how to get on.

And people are gonna get real crabby about it.

People get really upset about sad animals who live in trash.

Especially if they’re cute.

How cute is that crab? Let me see it again?

Ooh, he’s pretty cute.

Well, that’s some terrific blackmail, young lady.

I know. Good.

I have no choice but to act.

I mean, a thing like this could be bad for my bottom line.

Your butt crack? Oh! Got it.

But shutting down the wharf for a whole day, so you and your buddies can get your jollies eating my lollies, that costs a lot, too.

It does.

Okay, fine.

Starting today, I’m going to pay my carnie folk to clean the beach.

Yeah, you will. Wait, what?

If your sad crab goes viral, I’ll just say we jumped into action the moment we became aware of the situation,

and just look at our carnies clean.

Hmm? With such gusto.

But…

Felix, would you be a plucky peacock, and tell Mickey to clean up the trash he just threw?

(Felix squawking)

Huh?

He’ll figure it out.

Aah!

No, it’s not like that. It’s like this.

(squawking)

At least Mr. Fischoeder gave us foot‐long taco dogs.

Yep, this thing’s filling a foot‐long hole in my heart.

Even though these are the 10‐inch long rejects.

I should’ve negotiated. We could, like, own a roller coaster right now.

I would take it, like, everywhere.

(groans) I blew it. No three‐quarters Wonka.

Not even a wee Wonk.

Louise, in your sort‐of‐selfish, sort‐of‐thoughtful, mostly‐selfish way,

you did a really good thing today.

That beach is gonna be clean from now on.

I mean, maybe not totally clean. Mickey doesn’t seem to be very good at picking up trash.

Whoops. Whoops.

But maybe now there won’t be any more crabs like Saucy on the beach.

Saucy? You named it?

Zeke did. I think they’re pen pals now.

Well, thanks, Tina.

No problem.

Hey, Gene, what happened to your seagull stalker?

I think he forgot about me. Too bad for him.

I would’ve let him have a little bit of dog.

(all gasping, clamoring)

Drive! Drive!

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Got to have that love ♪

♪ Got to have that ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Got to have that love ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Wax our love ♪

♪ Smooth ♪

♪ Trim our love ♪

♪ Trim it up ♪

♪ Twirl our love ’cause it’s ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Got to have that love ♪

♪ Got to have it ♪

♪ Mustache love ♪

♪ Mustache love, mustache. ♪

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