Bob’s Burgers – S12E05 – Seven-tween Again | Transcript

Gene freaks out about growing up and tries to stay young; Linda considers trying the new hair salon next to the restaurant, but fears the wrath of her hairdresser-slash-friend Gretchen.
Bob's Burgers - S12E05 - Seven-tween Again

Original air date: October 24, 2021

Gene, feeling the weight of his eleven years, discovers an after school club for kids at the local community centre – that it’s for kids much younger than him is not a big issue. Meanwhile, Linda tries out Gretchen’s new hair salon, with complicated results.

* * *

♪ ♪

GENE: So we got to find pretend jobs for this Life Skills project?

ALEX: Yup.

And a pretend apartment?

Uh-huh.

And make a pretend budget?

Mm-hmm.

Why is school always trying to teach us stuff?

I mean, when you and I grow up and become famous robo-DJs…

Half-human, half-robot…

We can hire full robots to do our life skills stuff for us.

We don’t need this type of training.

I like this project. Pretend budget money?

We can pretend-buy whatever we want.

Like toothpaste, but a kind with sugar in it.

Oh, is there a sugary toothpaste?

There is if you add sugar to it.

LINDA: Oh, there goes another one.

Look at the hair, look at that bounce.

Ever since that hair salon opened up next door, you think every woman walking by just came from there.

She did. I can tell.

She’s got that “I just got my hair done at a fancy salon” walk.

If you’re so curious about that place, why don’t you just go in?

Get a trim or whatever.

Their-their least expensive trim.

I can’t.

Gretchen’s been doing my hair for years, and I would never.

Okay.

I don’t even want her to know I’m looking, which I’m not.

Gretchen knows if you so much as got a trim in the last year from someone else.

Haven’t seen you in a while, Georgia.

Your bangs look nice.

Oh, thanks.

Who did this?!

It was nothing, it was nothing.

It was a-a tiny trim. I was…

Out! Out!

Get out of my chair!

Aah!

Okay, Linda. You’re up.

Besides, uh, I like going to Gretchen’s, even though sometimes she smokes a cigarette right before she does my hair and it makes my hair smell like cigarettes.

And one time she cut my ear, but she pretended it was already cut.

She called it my “bleeding ear problem.”

I mean, she’s great!

(chuckles): I-I’m-I’m perfectly happy.

I-I don’t think she can hear you.

You never know.

(Gene screams)

Wha… What’s the matter?

What’s the matter, sweetie?

Are you okay, Gene?

Pube…!

Huh.

I think that’s a chest hair, not technically a pube, unless you have a really long crotch.

Thanks a lot, Tina.

I bet I caught puberty from you. (grunts)

I’m not ready to be an adult!

Before you know it, I’m gonna be a pile of dust and bones holding onto an electric saxophone probably!

As if the Life Skills thing at school wasn’t enough, now my own sweet body is telling me to grow up.

Go away, pube. I don’t want a 401(k)!

Aw, Gene.

It’s not a pube.

You know, Gene, besides the body hair and pimples and armpit odor and mood swings and neck sweat, puberty’s great.

Why is Gene’s pube gray?

Even my puberty is growing up too fast!

Hmm. That didn’t put up much of a fight.

Aah!

It’s a match: old man gray.

Oh… Dad’s chest hair must have stuck on me this morning when I gave him his surprise shower-hug.

It’s not really a surprise when you do it every single day.

Oh, thank God I’m not pube-ing out.

I’m still a beautiful baby boy.

Yes, you are. (kissing noises) Yeah.

Actually, you’re a tween.

Not a boy, not yet a woman.

I’m not “tween” anything.

I’m securely in the child column.

Mother, I’m gonna need extra chicken at dinner.

This shook me to my core.

I thought I lost you, smoothie.

ALEX: So, I made a pretend grocery list.

And I started looking for our dream apartment: two bedroom, one bathroom and water slide.

We can meet at my house every day after school this week and build our dream lives.

I can’t believe you’re enjoying this.

I’m freaking out!

It’s not so bad.

You’re not the one who had the pube scare.

Our childhoods are zipping by, and we’re just expected to wake up one day and put on big-boy pants?

I hate pants!

We’re getting graded on this, so… how’s the fake job hunt going?

Did you hear me, Alex?

I had an almost-pube!

I haven’t had time to job-hunt.

You should check out the job board at the community center.

That’s where I found my pretend telemarketing gig, which pays nine big ones an hour, plus a small commission, whatever that means. I assume it means gold.

(groans) Fine.

I’ll go look at the job board, but I’m not gonna just settle for anything.

I need full benefits and 12 weeks of vacation.

I know what I’m worth.

Well, time to grow up, I guess.

You two should head home.

Louise, you still have your youth.

Get out there and just be a kid.

And, Tina, it’s too late for you.

But take care of Louise as you trudge towards death.

Okay.

Okay?

Landscaping? Construction?

Those sound so outside-y.

Grocery store is hiring, but they drug-test.

Oh, hi, Gus.

Looking for work, eh?

It’s for a dumb school project to prepare us for adulthood.

But I want to be, like Sir Rod Stewart once said, “Forever, forever young.”

I hear you.

The best way to stay young is to do young things.

That’s why I started doing yoga.

Now I can touch my knees.

And everything at the community center is donation-based.

That means it’s free.

Who’s ready for fun?

(kids cheering)

Buckle up, the Kids Club train is about to blast off, honk-honk!

Lot of mixed metaphors, but love her energy.

Those lucky little bastards.

Let’s get the wiggles out before story time starts.

Hmm. Kids Club.

(all babbling)

Oh, hello. Uh, um…

Are you looking for swimming?

I think they usually do it in the pool.

Uh, I think I’m supposed to be here?

Oh. Um, what’s your name?

Gene.

Hi, Gene.

I’m Miss Erica. Gene, Gene.

I don’t see you on my roster.

Did your parents sign you up?

Um, yeah, like a second ago.

Well, then it’s just not in the system yet.

How, um, old are you, Gene?

Oh, I am… this many.

You’re seven? Wow.

Somebody’s eating all their veggies.

Ha, no.

It’s just, you’re such a big boy for seven.

Very big.

Thank you?

Do you have any wiggles to get out?

Do I! My wiggles have wiggles.

(kids babbling)

(Gene yelling)

Yay! I’m young again!

(entry bell jingles)

Gene, where were you?

Why are you so late?

You did spend an awful long time looking at that community center job board.

So, what’d you pick? I was a dog walker for my sixth grade Life Skills pretend job.

I raked in eight fake bucks an hour walking fake dogs.

And I only got fake bit twice.

Yup, uh…

that’s the job I picked, too, dog walker.

And I’ll be at Alex’s house after school all this week, working on the Life Skills project, no need to check in. (laughs nervously)


I’m not acting weird.

O-Okay…

Hey, Gene, how about you, uh, come over and catch up on your restaurant work?

Of course, I love restaurant work.

Okay, what’s going on?

Nothing. What’s going on with you?

This is a great conversation.

Why do you have glitter on your chin and feathers sticking out of your backpack?

I got a job at Pickles?

The strip club?

It’s a gentlemen’s revue.

Gene.

All right, fine, I was at Kids Club.

Kids Club? Isn’t that for little kids?

Exactly.

I said I was seven, and I just got to be young, dumb, and full of fun.

Didn’t anyone notice that you don’t at all look like a seven-year-old?

How dare you?

Age is in the eye of who’s lying about it.

Actually, the hardest part was getting signed out.

Gene, buddy. We can’t let you leave without an adult.

An adult?

Uh, hey, silver fox father coming out of yoga.

Get over here.

Uh, oh, o-okay.

You got Gus to pretend to be your dad and sign you out?

He was so loose from that yoga, he would have signed anything.

Look, pal, I don’t care how you blow off your fake job, but I don’t like Tina having to cover for you at your real job ’cause then she doesn’t cover for me as well.

So get wiping.

I will.

But first, check this out.

I call it Feather Glitter Glue, and everyone said it was the best name ever.

That’s how easy it is to be a seven-year-old.

G’day, mate. Roommate.

You pumped about coming over after school and getting into some heavy duty budgeting?

Oh, um, sorry, Alex.

I can’t. Still got to find a dang job.

You can’t buy fake Ding Dongs and Ho Hos with no fake dough-dough, right? (chuckles)

Okay.

(bell jingles)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Bob.

They’re in here. That’s them.

Who?

The hair people who work next door.

Don’t look at ’em, don’t look.

But don’t we want to serve them food?

Fine, I’ll take their order.

You can do this, Linda.

Do you want me to take…

No, I can do it.

Uh… h-hi, hello.

Uh, can I take your order?

We’ll have one Burger of the Day and fries to share. Thanks.

Y-You work at Frolicles, don’t you?

Yeah, I’m the receptionist. She’s the shampooer.

You know, can I just say that your hair is amazing?

So is yours.

Mm. It is.

You should come in sometime. Yvonne can fix that.

She could totally fix that.

Fix what? Who’s Yvonne?

Yvonne is the stylist.

And a visionary.

Oh!

Yeah, you’re what Yvonne would call a “caterpillar head.”

She can turn you into a butterfly head.

(chuckles)

You know what, Yvonne has an opening Thursday at 3:00.

I’m gonna give it to you because you deserve it.

And you can get the friends and neighbors discount.

Caterpillar head, Thursday at 3:00. Okay.

Wha… Uh, I-I don’t know.

You’re in. You’re booked.

Yvonne’s gonna change your life.

Get used to it. Get ready.

You’re speechless, you don’t know what to say.

We do need food, though.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, okay.

What just happened?

Are you gonna get amazing hair and then leave me?

I don’t know.

Well, you won’t make it far, because Gretchen will hunt you down and then she’ll murder you.

I know. Oh, God, she’s here.

(door opens, bell jingles)

Oh, it’s Tina and Louise.

(panting): Hi, girls.

Why are you ducking behind the counter?

That’s fun.

Where’s your brother?

Oh, right, he’s at Alex’s.

He better be at Alex’s.

Leaving us… mostly you… Doing all his work.

I’m sure he got all the Kids Club stuff out of his system.

How long can an 11-year-old boy play with blocks?

I love blocks!

That’s so tall.

I know.

But not too tall for the Hand Monster.

(roars)

(chuckles)

Gene, do you want to do clay with me?

Clay? I’ll never say nay to clay.

(grunting softly)

You’re my best friend.

Aw.

A little quick, but sure, why not?

Okay, everybody, who’s ready for parachute time?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Parachute!

(gasps)

♪ All the colors of the rainbow ♪

♪ Blow down onto my mind ♪

♪ I’m gonna sit on my behind ♪

♪ Until it’s time for me ♪

♪ To play with you ♪

♪ I remember when my life ♪

♪ It used to be ♪

♪ Nothing but simplicity ♪

♪ It was naptime ♪

♪ That was the time ♪

♪ That I would close my eyes. ♪

ALEX: Gene?

GENE: Still sleeping here.

Gene!

Alex! Hi, uh…

Why are you in Kids Club?

(whispers): Lower your voice, it’s naptime.

Gene, buddy, uh… where are you going, and who is this?

Oh, uh, this is just a kid who lives across the street.

He babysits me sometimes.

Mm.

Well, please don’t leave the room.

And let’s use our nap voices, ‘kay?

What are you doing here?

I came here to look at the job board again and see if I could nail something down for you, and I heard you snoring.

You know my snore?

Yes.

That’s really sweet.

What are you doing here?

I signed up for after-school Kids Club.

I’m reliving my youth.

Wait, so you’ve been flaking on our project to do this?

I’m sorry, Alex. I just really like the vibe in here.

It’s very low stress.

Miss Erica even helps me tie my shoes sometimes.

And as you know, I am not a strong shoe-tier.

Well, what about the Life Skills project?

You’re supposed to be my roommate.

What about making a budget?

I’m not ready for budgets.

I do blocks now.

Gene.

Want to pretend we’re puppies?

Give me a second, Ryder.

But probably, yes.

I’m Gene’s best friend.

The hell, Gene? You know what?

I think we should have a roommate breakup.

I’m gonna talk to Ms. Twitchell about getting a studio apartment for one.

Fine.

Okay, well, have fun with Ryder.

Uh, we’re playing puppies, so, yeah, I’m gonna be having fun.

(both barking)

Bad dog, Gene. Bad dog.

TINA: (whistles) Talk about coloring inside the lines.

I know, my coloring game is incredible.

And sure, Alex has a right to be a little annoyed that I’ve been skipping all of our after-school be-a-dumb-adult project time, but I wish he would see that I’m living my best seven-year-old life right now.

Uh, except that you’re 11.

Just like Alex.

That’s ageist.

And guess who else has a right to be annoyed?

I had to delegate so much work to Tina today, I’m exhausted.

Yeah, I’m kind of tired, too.

Tina, it’s not all about you.

Well, I’m sorry, but I need this.

And it’s totally worth it. Tomorrow’s a big day.

We’re making slime.

Uh, and it’s your last chance to work with Alex on the project before it’s due Friday, right?

Alex will be fine.

He’s gonna talk to Ms. Twitchell and do a solo no roommate a-dull-t project.

But won’t you get an “F”?

And get sent back to second grade?

I hope so.

Gene, no.

But if you do get sent back to second grade, I think I left my pencil in that classroom.

Will you keep an eye out for it?

It’s yellow and it has a number two on it.

RYDER: Gene, Gene, Gene.

Do you want to play clay with me?

Uh, I’m kind of doing slime.

You know, ’cause it’s slime day.

Play clay with me.

Maybe later, ‘kay, Ryder?

You’re a poo-poo head.

That’s not technically true, Ryder.

Um, Becca, that’s my slime.

Mine!

I mean, I can give you a little bit.

(grunting)

Aah!

Whee!

Uh-oh, Mess Patrol.

♪ Clean the mess, tidy up ♪

♪ Yes Mess Patrol… ♪

Singing doesn’t help in this particular situation!

Okay, it’s time for my appointment with Yvonne.

Okay, have fun.

I’m just gonna have her touch it up.

It’s no big deal.

(bell jingles)

(both gasp)

Gretchen!

What are you doing hair… I mean here?

(chuckling nervously)

LOUISE: Nice.

Oh, I just came in to say hi, have a little lunch.

That’s good, ’cause we have lunch. That’s our thing.

Yeah. I haven’t seen you in a while, Linda.

Let’s catch up, girl talk. You can talk, too, Bob.

Looking good, by the way.

Uh, th-thanks, Gretchen.

Hey, were you going somewhere?

No… I just like to move my purse around every once in a while.

Okay, that’s enough. Here comes the apron.

So, new salon next door, huh?

Wha… Where? A salon?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I hardly noticed.

They’re fancy.

Looks like they sweep up all the hair.

La-di-da.

Listen, I know they’re right next door and their scissors aren’t rusty and their combs have all their teeth and they don’t have flies, but please don’t ever go there, okay?

Yeah, no, of course not. Yeah, no. Yuck. Oof.

I don’t even want to think about you going there.

I just go to a dark place.

A dark, dark place.

Oh, uh, the spoon!

Plus, can you even imagine what they’d do to your reverse cowlick and your swirly thing in the back and your stubborn grays and your bleeding ear problem?

They don’t know you.

Uh… Burger of the Day sound good?

Let me walk this order back to Bob in the kitchen.

Uh, you can just hand it to me. I’m right here.

No, no, you might drop it. I-I’m gonna walk it back.

Bob, I can’t go next door.

Why?

Because Gretchen is terrifying?

Yeah, so y… So you’re gonna go for me.

Wait, wait, what?

If I’m a last-second no-show, I’ll never get an appointment there again.

You have to go, get a haircut, and get me rescheduled.

So we’re gonna get two expensive haircuts?

They’re discounted expensive haircuts.

Please, Bob, I want a fancy salon haircut once in my life before I die.

(groans) Fine.

No, no, where are you going?

Not the front. She’ll see you. Go out the back.

And run, but don’t be sweaty. And check your breath.

(Gretchen cackling)

Oh…

H… Um, hi. I’m here for my wife.

Uh, she can’t come, so she asked me to take her spot?

Oh, smart move, wife.

Also, yeah, you could use it.

Come on, let’s get you shampooed.

Oh, that’s okay.

I washed it yester… last week… ago.

Can I get you a sparkling water or espresso?

Or a glass of wine?

Oh, um, I don’t know.

I… I’d have all three.

We call that “getting your tips frosted.”

Unless you’re getting your tips frosted, which is actually really hot right now with middle-aged men who don’t know better.

All right, let’s frost my tips.

Uh, the-the drinks one.

(Miss Erica babbling)

Hey, Gene.

Everything okay? You’re not wiggling much.

I don’t always have the wiggles, Miss Erica!

Sorry, sorry.

(whispering): Can I come in?

(whispering): No. Get out of here.

Where is your mom?

Gretchen killed her, and you’re next.

Bob, it’s okay. Gretchen went back to work.

Oh, she’s alive.

Eh?

(whistles) New do for Daddy.

It is. Oh, it is.

So? Was it…?

(slurring): Amazing.

Yvonne is a genius.

Are you drunk?

I’m gorgeous.

O-Ok-Okay, settle down.

And I got you in the book.

Yeah? When, when?

Today!

Oh!

They squeezed you in at 5:00.

Really? Okay!

Okay, I’m actually gonna do this.

I’m gonna go to the bathroom and look at myself for a while, and I have to pee.

I drank so many different drinks.

(Gene groaning)

“A dog sits on a log with a frog.”

Where are you going with that?

Mm…

That doesn’t go on me, Mason.

Aah! That’s it! I’m out!

Gene, if you don’t want to listen to the book, you’re welcome to join Piper over by the puzzles.

Nope, I think I’m gonna go.

I’m sorry, buddy.

You can’t go until pickup time.

Miss Erica, here’s the thing…

You’re gonna laugh when you hear this…

I’m not actually seven. I am 11.

And I am a 500-year-old wizard!

(babbling)

Not helping, Becca.

Gene, I know you’re not seven.

It’s pretty obvious, ’cause, you know, I know what children look like.

Gotcha.

(screams) I’m sorry, but I am leaving!

You can’t go without someone signing you out, no matter what age you say you are.

Okay, fine, my dad Gus, who I call Gus and not Dad, is over in yoga right now.

He can sign me out.

There is no yoga on Thursdays.

What? Why no yoga on Thursdays?

That’s, like, when you need it the most!

Sorry, you’re gonna have to stay here until a parent signs you out.

But I want to go! I need to leave!

Oh, man, I’m gonna fail the project, and Alex is gonna be mad at me forever!

Your babysitter?

Yes!

I should’ve been doing pretend roommate stuff with him this whole week, but now I’m trapped in this booger parlor!

What’s wrong with me?!

Someone’s having big feelings.

Hell yeah, I am! When’s juice and crackers?

Miss Erica, can I get my one phone call?

Gene, this isn’t jail.

Says the lady who can leave whenever she wants.

You think I can leave? I’ve had to pee for three hours.

Yes, you can use the phone.

Dial nine to get out.

Oh, if only it was that easy.

(phone ringing)

Bob’s Slopshop, this is Tina. I have weird neck sweat.

-How may I help you? -My neck sweat’s not weird. Is it?

Louise, it’s Gene. Listen, I’m trapped in Kids Club.

There’s no yoga on Thursdays, and Miss Erica won’t let me out.

Please help me. I want to be a tween again.

I need to go to Alex’s house, or he’ll hate me and we’ll never be real-life roomies.

I guess I could help if you did all my restaurant stuff for the rest of my life.

One week.

Sold. What do you want me to do?

I need you and Tina to pretend to be Gus and sign me out.

Pretend to be Gus.

Yeah, get a long trench coat, climb on Tina’s shoulders, fake beard… boom, you’re Gus.

That’s not gonna…

Get me out of here.

I’m, like, three seconds away from getting the hand, foot and mouth disease.

All right, all right. We’re on our way.

Why aren’t you sleeping, Gene?

‘Cause I’m getting out of here, Ryder.

I’m too old for this place.

But you savor this.

Savor every perfect, carefree minute of being a little kid, ‘kay?

‘Kay, bye.

(door opens)

MISS ERICA: Hello, um…

What? Louise! You brought Dad?

Sorry. This is the only thing we could think of, after not thinking for very long, because this has to end.

Oh, my God, Gene really crashed a day care?

I didn’t crash it. I wiggled my way in.

You’re Gene’s real father, I take it?

Yeah. Yes.

So, I’ve been letting him get signed out by whoever that 80-year-old man was. Cool.

Gene, do you want to tell me about that real quick?

It was Gus.

Okay.

I think I have to buy him a Father’s Day present.

You should, and also me, one, as well, at some point.

So, you’re signing Gene out?

Yes.

I love your hair, by the way.

Me, too.

GENE AND LOUISE: He’s taken.

Got room for bunk beds in that studio apartment?

Gene? What are you doing here?

I came to say sorry.

What about Kids Club?

I’m done with all that.

I know what being seven is like.

I think I’m ready for stuff I don’t know.

Future stuff, like, maybe one day I’ll have an alcohol, or I’ll listen to informative podcasts on my commute.

So, will you take me back as your roomie?

Even though I acted like a snotty seven-year-old?

Sure. Rents are outrageous.

I’ve been driving a pretend Uber at night just to pay the pretend bills.

Plus, I love bunk beds.

I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before.

Now we have more room for that hot fudge sundae bar.

Is there still space for our rotating DJ booth?

‘Cause that’s a must-have.

DJ booth bunk beds?

DJ booth bunk beds! We’re so good at being adults!

Oh, you’ve got a lot going on back here.

Yeah. I got a reverse cowlick.

Okay. It’s, like, pulling my hand in.

Sorry. I’m sure Yvonne will know what to do with that, right?

Oh, sure, sure.

Everyone’s hair is the same to Yvonne.

Everyone’s a butterfly head waiting to happen.

Oh.

This’ll be here for when you come out from under.

(groans) And you’re lucky.

We’re not gonna be in this location for much longer.

Yeah. Our prices are too high for this neighborhood.

Oh, yeah?

You’ve seen this neighborhood, right?

Um, yes, I have.

So make sure you take our card when you leave.

‘Cause what you want to do is get with one stylist who knows your hair but also knows you as a person.

And once you find that stylist, you never want to give them up.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

I just remembered I have to be somewhere.

(gulps)

Bye! Sorry, bye.

(entry bell jingles)

Got room for a reverse cowlick?

Linda?

LINDA: (burps) Oh, that wine.

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ Treats, bunk-bed-sleep and beats ♪

♪ Make a tasty, funky result ♪

♪ This is what it’s like ♪

♪ To be a responsible adult ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Push up the faders ♪

♪ Twist the knobs ♪

♪ Pump up the beat, pull the handle ♪

♪ And bring that sweet, sweet soft serve down ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds ♪

♪ DJ Bunk Beds. ♪

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