Bob’s Burgers – S12E03 – The Pumpkinening | Transcript

Linda receives a mysterious note on Halloween and must go to her old hometown with Gayle to answer for a misdeed they committed 27 years ago.
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Original air date: October 10, 2021

Linda receives a mysterious note on Halloween and must go to her old hometown with Gayle to answer for a misdeed they committed 27 years ago.

* * *

♪ ♪

LINDA: Oh, my God.

GAYLE: So, we smashed all the pumpkins…

Yep.

In the pumpkin contest.

Yep.

And Principal Rosenthal is supposed to announce the winner tomorrow.

We have to promise each other to never speak of this again.

BOTH: We’ll never speak of this again.

(thud)

Wait, what was that?

I don’t know. Let’s get out of here.

Ugh, Gayle, what was that on your finger?

It smells terrible.

How do you know it isn’t your finger?

Oh, yeah. It’s me.

♪ Goblins, ghouls and ghosts ♪

♪ And bears, why’d I say bears? ♪

♪ I don’t know, they’re scary ♪

♪ It’s Halloween. ♪ Aah!

(door opens)

Oh, Mike. Ooh, are you dressed as a mailman for Halloween?

Just kidding. Ha!

That’s very funny. Here’s your mail.

And here’s some candy.

I think those are cough drops.

Nah, they taste like cough drops, but they’re technically candy.

They’re very good, Mike. Try one.

I think I’ll just wait until I can eat real candy. Bye.

Hey, kids.

Hi, Mr. Mailman.

I mean, Mr. Mike.

(gasps) Costume parade.

Wow. You kids look great.

I’m a Grad-iator, a gladiator who just got his master’s.

Ooh, smart and historical.

Tina, let me guess. You’re a… dinosaur.

Nice try.

I’m the Sherlock-ness Monster.

I’m a mystery who solves mysteries.

Oh, I love it. Louise, uh, what about you?

I’m Peter Pan’s Labyrinth.

That’s terrifying.

What? This?

Linda, make her stop.

Louise, stop scaring your father.

No.

Hey, you kids put your costumes on a little early this year, didn’t you?

You’re gonna help out down here before you go trick-or-treating, right?

We put ’em on early so they can stretch out.

Each of us is gonna go up a size tonight.

All right, well, start wiping menus and keep an eye out for any little kids that are trick-or-treating early.

Ugh. Not looking forward to seeing the sad looks in their little eyes when I give them Dad’s quote, unquote “candy.”

That candy is sophisticated, and some people just don’t get it.

It tastes like old leaves.

Yeah. That’s what they were going for.

Oh, quick thing. Your Aunt Gayle is gonna be here any minute.

Do not say how good my hair looks.

Even though I just had it done and it looks amazing.

Let’s just tamp down the compliments, okay?

That’s gonna be hard, Mom. You look… (kisses)

Why are we tamping again?

It’s just, Gayle’s doing so well lately

and I don’t want to mess with that, you know?

Did you know she’s working with a life coach?

Is that someone who coaches her to be better at that board game?

I don’t think so.

BOB: Wait, we’re not paying for this life coach, are we?

I think the first two sessions are free.

So she just has to fix her life in two sessions.

I don’t think Aunt Gayle is a two-session lady.

Shush, shush, shush, here she comes.

Hey, Gayle.

Hi, kids.

Linda, I need to speak with you in private.

My world is crumbling around me!

Yeah, I think she’s in a good place.

Bob, we need the kitchen.

Little sister talk.

Okay.

Uh, I was just wiping stuff, but I can go wipe other stuff.

So, what is going on, Gayle?

I got a strange letter in the mail today. Look.

LINDA: “Pumpkin smasher!”

(gasps)

Yeah, Linda.

Because of what we did 27 years ago.

But it’s crazy. I mean, maybe it’s just a flyer for a Smashing Pumpkins concert.

I already considered that.

But I looked it up and they’re in Italy this week playing the pope’s birthday.

Okay, maybe you’re right.

Maybe this is about that day.

But who would send this?

I don’t know. What do we do? What do we do?

Let me get you some lunch. I think you’re just hoopy.

That’s my expression for hungry and loopy. Hoopy.

Bob, Gayle needs a burger. She’s hoopy.

So go back in the kitchen.

We didn’t try to listen through the pass-through at all.

But if we had, we would’ve had trouble hearing.

Could you talk louder next time?

All right, sit here. Relax. Breathe.

(gasps)

Not like that.

No. Linda, your mail.

Look! That’s the same envelope I got.

Wait, what? That’s weird. (gasps)

Is it a letter from Hugh Jackman?

Uh, yeah. It’s just, uh…

It’s just Hugh Jackman. That’s right.

Nice.

Uh, Gayle. Uh, kitchen.

Bob, sorry. We need the room. Again.

Uh, okay. Uh, flip this in a minute.

Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Yeah.

Sounds like you’re not gonna do it. It’s fine.

(door closes)

“Pumpkin smasher!”

Who the hell is sending these?

That’s what I was saying.

I know. Gayle, let me think.

TINA: Talk louder.

Kids, shoo!

LOUISE: Ugh, fine.

(Gene groans)

Bob, hold the kids down.

BOB: Did you flip the burger?

Yep.

Yep, so much.

Okay, something’s going on.

Someone’s messing with us.

We need to go back home.

What? Why?

Because we need to find out who’s messing with us.

I say we ignore ’em. Throw ’em away. (grunts)

Take that, letter. (grunts)

My life coach, Dane Kang, says you have to confront your past.

So you can either hide your head in your butt or you can come with me and we face this together.

Also, my license is suspended ’cause I let my cat drive.

Little bit. So I need a ride.

Uh, all right. Uh, let me talk to Bob.

Bob, do you remember that terrible secret I told you about that Gayle and I did in high school?

When you pooped in the convertible?

No, different secret. Worse.

The pumpkin contest thing?

Yeah.

Yeah. I-I think the convertible thing was worse, but…

Look at this.

Whoa. That’s weird.

Gayle got one, too. She wants to go back home and figure out who sent ’em, and I think

I have to go with her.

No, you don’t.

I’ll be back before the kids leave to trick-or-treat.

Oh, God. I thought it would be fun to be in one of these secret meetings, but it’s not.

Now kiss me like it’s the last time you’ll see me.

Wait, what?

No, nothing. Just kiss me regular.

LOUISE: Sick!

I didn’t even know you were dating.

I’ll be back. Maybe. Probably.

Uh, everything’s fine. Love you. Bye.

♪ ♪

(floor creaking)

(gasps) Gayle, what are you doing here?

Did you follow me?

I always follow you.

You should turn around more often. Why’d you come here?

I, uh… I just wanted to give my pumpkin some eyebrows so he can make more expressions.

Yeah, that’s a good point. But you’re not allowed to change it the night before the contest.

It’s not fair for the rest of us and my pumpkin, Mr. Face Holes, over here.

I know.

I was just embarrassed by how bad mine was compared to your… Whoa! Wh-Whoa! Aah!

Oh, my God. Linda!

Whoops.

I’m such a klutzo-buttso.

All right, let’s just clean this up and get out of here.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Gayle, no! No, no! Oh, my God.

(grunts)

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I broke my fall with my wrists like you’re supposed to.

Oh, this is bad, Gayle.

You smashed one, too.

Yeah, but that was mine.

You smashed someone else’s.

How the heck are we gonna explain this?

Oh, God, you’re right. What are we gonna do?

We got to tell somebody. It’s not our faul…

Oh, whoa!

Why did they put these stupid pumpkins so close to the edge of the table?

So, now we have to tell someone that we smashed three pumpkins.

Or… we push over the whole thing, smash all the pumpkins, pull out a screw in the table, make it look like an accident and slip out of here without anybody seeing us.

Are you serious?

Linda, we could get in big trouble.

It would send us down a dark path in life.

You in jail, me on the run with an endless list of lovers.

Gayle.

Sorry.

Okay, let’s do it. Oh, you’re already doing it. Okay.

(grunts)

Goodbye, Mr. Face Holes.

(both grunt)

LOUISE: So, let me get this straight.

Mom and Aunt Gayle just disappeared on a mysterious mission?

She just has to tend to a little business in Hunkawtaway.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Tend to a little business, yeah.

That doesn’t sound shady at all.

Is Mom a Breaking Bad?

No. She’s just supporting your Aunt Gayle.

Are Mom and Aunt Gayle getting new boobs together?

Or switching boobs?

Like Face/Off but Boob/Off?

Mm… no.

(door opens) -BOY: Trick or treat.

BOB: Oh, we got our first trick-or-treater.

Hi, there. Happy Halloween.

Here you go. Uh, take a few of these.

Um, do you have anything different?

These are actually pretty good.

KIDS: Eh.

J-Just try one. You-you might like it.

He doesn’t want one, sir. Come on, buddy. Let’s go.

How does he know he doesn’t want it?

He never tried one.

(door opens)

Trick or treat.

Don’t go here.

Bye.

Wait, no. Oh, my God.

(door closes)

We’re officially a “don’t go there” place.

You live by the weird, old candy, you die by the weird, old candy.

All right, we’re closing for a little bit.

I’m gonna go buy different candy.

Stay here. Lock the door behind me.

You sweep, you dustpan, you, um, make sure they sweep and dustpan.

You know we’re not gonna do any of that stuff, right?

I know, I know. Just pretend, please.

I’m pretending we’re done.

Mm.

Okay. “Who sent us those letters?” brainstorm. Go.

It has to be somebody who saw us that night.

But who? We were so careful.

I mean, were we? Wait a minute.

What about Marty Deblusio-Klein? Remember?

We bumped into him on our way out of school.

GAYLE: (gasps) That’s right.

LINDA: He came back because he forgot his trumpet.

We told him we were doing marijuanas under the bleachers.

GAYLE: It was the perfect alibi.

LINDA: Or maybe

it wasn’t. Maybe he was suspicious.

Hmm. Maybe we should pay Marty Deblusio-Klein a little visit, see if he sent us those letters.

I heard he’s living at his mom’s old house.

Because he murdered her?

No. She moved to Florida.

Because she murdered someone?

No. Not everyone murders someone, Gayle.

That’s not true.

What is happening?

GENE: We’re exhausted from watching the restaurant.

How does it somehow look worse in here?

We actually did sweep a little, but then we played in it.

TINA: We’re taking a dirt nap.

All right, so, I think I did pretty good candy-wise.

We want to trust you, Dad, but we don’t want to get hurt again.

Are you sure it’s candy and not vitamins?

I don’t know. Why don’t you guys tell me.

(kids exclaim)

Sour Sack Babies?

Yeah, that’s right.

I asked a kid in the store what the best candy was.

His dad was concerned, but they both agreed these were a huge get.

I can’t believe these weren’t sold out.

Believe it, baby. I found these three bags shoved back behind some candy corn.

Ugh. Now we have to give these out to other people.

It’s not right. (dry heaves)

Tina, don’t make that sound. Look, how about this: whatever’s left at the end of the night, you kids can keep for yourselves.

Deal. -Yay!

There he is. (sniffs)

Whoa!

Uh, okay. Uh, take it easy, Louise.

Give me some. I want to rub them on my face.

Tina, stop.

(whispering): Don’t worry.

We’re gonna get you out of there.

Oh, my God.

Wow, the house hasn’t changed a bit.

They still have the cute little bars on the windows.

Wait, what are we gonna say to him?

Don’t worry, Linda. I’ve been working on talking to humans with my life coach, Dane Kang.

(doorbell rings)

Happy Halloween.

You didn’t think we’d come here, did you, Marty?

Aah!

You messed with the wrong sisters.

Wait, Gayle? From high school? Linda?

Hi, Marty.

What is happening?

You know what’s happening.

This is about the pumpkin carving contest.

What pumpkin carving contest?

Uh, you know, the one from 27 years ago?

When we were in high school?

Wait, you mean the one that got canceled?

Aha! Suddenly Mr. “I Don’t Know Anything About Pumpkin Carving Contests” knows a lot about a certain pumpkin carving contest.

So, you think I’m the one who smashed all the pumpkins?

And you waited 27 years to confront me about it?

I didn’t do it, I promise.

We know you didn’t. But you did write some letters, and we’d like to look at your marker collection.

Gayle, I’m starting to think that Marty didn’t write the letters.

What letters?

Eh, maybe you’re right.

You know, I always thought it was Scary Terry who smashed all those pumpkins.

Huh. Why would you think that?

I mean, it’s Scary Terry.

And I heard she entered the contest, so, you know, maybe she thought she wasn’t gonna win, so she smashed ’em all.

(gasps) Maybe she’s the one who sent the letters.

Do you know where Scary Terry lives?

I don’t know where she lives, but I know where she works.

She’s a pet groomer down at To Groom It May Concern.

We’re out of here.

Aw, so nice to catch up with you, Marty.

I’m so glad we stopped by. Love your costume.

You’re a great Smurf!

I really hope Scary Terry’s not the one sending those notes.

I know.

Remember when she ate that spider?

Remember when she set that bus stop on fire?

Yeah.

Oh, boy. This is it.

Huh. Doesn’t look like they’re open.

Nobody’s in there.

Wait, look. There’s a dog in there.

Or some kind of big squirrel?

I don’t know. I’m a cat person.

LINDA: That’s creepy.

It’s just sitting there. By itself.

I guess they are open. Should we go in?

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Aah! -Aah!

(dog barking)

Oh, it is a dog.

Hi, Terry.

Linda? Gayle?

Yeah. Yeah, it’s us.

Surprise.

What are you doing here?

And why are you backing away from me?

Uh, we’re here ’cause, uh… our car broke down.

I have a UTI!

What?

Yeah, we were driving and then our car broke down and then Gayle’s pee was burning. Bad. Unrelated.

So, we called a tow truck and came in here to wait.

(chuckles) Anyway, what a surprise.

You’re here.

Well, it’s a real treat to see both of you.

Like “trick or treat”?

(laughs loudly)

I get it.

(laughs loudly) I like this.

I better finish up with Jasper here.

Do you two want to sit? We have chairs.

I’d offer you something to eat, but we only have dog treats.

I’ll try a dog treat.

Gayle, no.

Uh, how long you been grooming pooches?

Long enough to do this.

Aah!

Oh! (laughs)

That’s a fun trick that you shouldn’t do again.

I cut people hair, too.

Not officially. But I’ll give you a great rate.

Gayle, you look like you could use a little touch-up.

Or Linda?

No. More you.

She seems like she just got a haircut.

It looks great.

Nope. Looks terrible. Awful.

Uh, but we’re fine. We don’t-we don’t… we don’t want to take up your time.

(whispers): They’re scared.

(laughs)

No, we’re not scared.

You know what? On the house. Gayle, come.

Come. Come, come.

(whimpers)

Good girl.

Oh, Gayle.

Leave the bangs.

Happy Halloween.

(door opens)

I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but I think we might be turning into a “do go there” place.

Ugh. We need to slow this down if we’re gonna have any left for us.

Or we just go trick-or-treating ourselves?

No. Later for that.

Right now, we need to stay here and figure out how to protect these poor, innocent Sour Sack Babies

from these horrible actual babies.

Should we just give them cash?

(door opens)

Dang it. Here comes another one. What’s their problem?

Trick or treat.

Welcome. Hope you like great candy, ’cause we have Sour Sack Babies.

Yeah, I know.

You know? -(door opens)

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Hey, there.

Hang on. Just taking care of grim reaper here.

Here you go.

(door opens)

KIDS: Trick or treat.

Oh, my God.

You got to be freaking kidding me!

They’re like ants.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

I want one!

O-Okay, here. Everybody, please, just wait your turn.

Do you have tropical Sour Sack Babies?

What?

Tropical. Sour. Sack. Babies.

No. We have this kind.

Y-You’ve done Halloween before, right?

Wait, grim reaper?

Y-You just took some.

(door opens)

Thanks. Bye.

KIDS: Trick or treat.

Aah! Make it stop!

Good girl. You’re doing great.

Yes, you are.

You know, it’s kind of funny that we’re all together, hanging out on Halloween.

What do you mean?

Well, we were all in that pumpkin contest that got canceled back in high school.

Oh, yeah. That was a shame.

You know, some people think that someone smashed all the pumpkins on purpose.

What? Who would do something like that?

Oh, I’m sure they had a good reason.

But if you knew who it was, what would you do?

Maybe send weird letters to them?

Something worse? (chuckles)

(barks)

Don’t worry.

Your daddy’s coming soon.

You guys know Mr. Rosenthal.

Mr. Rosenthal? Our principal from high school?

Yeah. This is his dog. He’s on his way to pick him up.

I’m sure he’d love to see you.

FYI, he’s older now. It’s noticeable.

(chuckles): Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, that’d be nice to see him.

Linda got older, too.

You know what?

Can I go get some product? It’s for wirehaired terriers, but your hair has the same texture.

Okay.

(squeak) -BOTH: Aah!

Dog toy.

Gayle, we got to get out of here.

What? No. We got to figure out if Terry sent the letters, and if she did, we got to confront her and say “Stop it.” You’ll do that part.

Or my new plan. We get out of here and send her a strongly-worded email when we get home.

And maybe a negative Yelp review.

KIDS: Trick or treat.

(indistinct chatter)

I was here first.

Trick or treat.

Ooh, Sour Sack Babies!

Okay. Try-try and form a line. Everyone.

Parents, i-if you could please control your kids?

Grim reaper? Are you serious?

I can see that you just put a baseball cap on top of your costume.

Does your dad know you’re doing this?

It’s my dad’s hat.

Okay, fine. Just take one.

But that’s it.

Father!

Stop giving away candy!

I can’t help it. It’s stupid Halloween.

Wait. What’s in Dad’s bowl is our last bag! We don’t have any left for ourselves! Somebody, do something!

Here. Here. Take it.

There’s just too many of them!

Here. Take it. Here.

Why did Mom have to leave us alone on the day of the child zombie candy-pocalypse?

Here. Take it. Here.

Gayle, come on.

She’s gonna come back any second.

No. We’re gonna see this through.

What’s she gonna do, kill us?

I should trim your claws. Uh, I-I mean, nails.

Both of you. I’ve got a great cutter.

It’s really sharp.

Yeah, okay, let’s go.

LINDA: Run. Run!

Run for the car!

(barking)

Oh! And now the dog’s chasing us!

Hey!

Run, Gayle, run! We’re gonna die!

I’m too young to die!

I’m so much younger than you!

Aah! -Aah! Scary Terry!

(barking)

Linda! Gayle! Jasper, come!

Oh, God, why did we park so far away?

I don’t know! It seemed like a good spot!

Wait. Somebody’s here.

Help! Help! We’re being chased!

Forget it, Gayle. Let’s just go!

Linda? Gayle? Is that you?

Oh, hi, Principal Rosenthal.

Well, hello. I haven’t seen you in years.

How are you?

We’re very good.

You’re still alive. That’s nice.

It is nice. I’m here to pick up my dog.

He needed a haircut ’cause he’s dressing up as James Spader from Blacklist for Halloween.

(Jasper barking)

Ja… Jasper?

LINDA: Oh, God, here she comes!

Help us.

She’s chasing us! Aah!

You come here, little man. (kissing)

I’m so sorry, Mr. Rosenthal. He got out.

Somebody opened his pen.

Oh, sorry. That was an accident.

We were running because we thought you were chasing us, but you were chasing the dog?

No, I was chasing you, too.

I have this great product.

Remember? The thing I said two seconds before you ran out?

Why did you run out? We were catching up.

We were talking about the pumpkin carving contest that got canceled.

Oh, God, I remember that.

Uh…

You know, Linda, the sad thing is we never got to announce that you were…

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, uh…

Oh, I w… I-I was just gonna say we were gonna announce…

♪ Oh, we’re singing ♪

♪ Halloween, Halloween ♪

Oh, I was just gonna say you were…

-♪ It’s such beautiful time of year. ♪ -What? What? What? What? What?

Linda, you’re being weird.

(Linda vocalizing)

We never got to announce that you were the winner!

And you said it.

Wait, what?

Linda was gonna win?

Yeah.

Linda, did you know you were gonna win?

I found out at school the day before.

I was in the hall on my way to poop when I heard some teachers talking in the principal’s office about the pumpkin contest.

Then I heard Mr. Rosenthal say that I was gonna be the winner.

That mine was the most creative.

Creative?

I knew you’d be crushed.

I knew how hard you worked on yours, and I just couldn’t let it happen.

Wait, you dropped your pumpkin on purpose?

Sorta. Yeah.

So you smashed all the pumpkins?

Sorry. If you want to arrest us, I understand.

Uh, I mean, me. Gayle wasn’t there.

Wait a second. So, who sent us those freakin’ letters?

I don’t know.

MAN: I did.

ALL: Huh?

Who the hell are you?

I’m life coach, personal trainer and inventor Dane Kang.

Hi, Dane Kang. Wait, it was you?

Yes, Gayle. Of course I sent you the letters.

And I’m proud of you. You did it.

I did? What did I do?

What the heck is going on?

I knew the only way to get Gayle to confront her past was to bring it back and shove it in her face.

And if she rose to the challenge, she could move forward in all areas of her life and to the gold star level of my program.

Ooh.

I didn’t know life coaches did that stuff.

Oh, they don’t.

Can I have your card?

Well, why did you bring me into all this?

Gayle talks about you a lot.

No, not that much. Maybe once.

We’ve had one session, and I feel like I’ve known you all my life.

Though I expected you to be older and very ugly.

Anyway, you’re welcome. You’re all welcome.

Now I got to go pretend to be a client’s long-lost love child.

Bye, Dane Kang. I’ll call you Monday.

Well, this was fun.

You’re gonna want to rub this in with your fingertips.

Give me your hand.

Okay.

KIDS: Trick or treat.

Here. Last one. Yeah.

No more Sour Sack Babies, okay?

Oh, no. Don’t-don’t cry.

Here. W-We have these. Take as many as you want.

(sobbing)

Oh, my God.

Ugh. Total disaster.

And now we don’t have any Sour Sack Babies.

This feels like rock bottom.

I don’t even know if I have the energy to trick-or-treat anymore.

I mean, we’ll go, but my heart won’t be in it.

Just my mouth.

(sighs) Well, good thing I saved three of these things for you kids, huh?

TINA: Yay! -GENE: Oh, my God!

LOUISE: Yes!

I could kiss you. And I will.

Give me those lips!

I am never handing out good candy again.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yep, yep, yep.

I mean, what kind of life coach does that?

He’s the best. That’s why he’s $400 a session.

What?!

But, you know, the first two are free.

And I think I’m fixed now, so I just need to cancel your credit card.

Oh, God.

(sighs) Linda, I wish you would’ve just told me that you were gonna win that pumpkin carving contest.

I know. But I guess sometimes I don’t tell you good stuff that happens to me ’cause I don’t want to, you know, rub it in.

When good things happen to you, it does make me happy.

Is this just because sometimes I fly into violent rages of jealousy and cry in the closet until I throw up?

Yeah, maybe.

Well, I still want to know what’s happening in your life. I love you.

You’re my sister and my best friend.

And my archnemesis.

I love you, too, Gayle.

Also, my pumpkin was way better than yours.

Mr. Rosenthal’s stupid. Oh, speaking of pumpkins, look at those. They’re good.

Too good. I want to go smash them!

Gayle, no!

♪ Goblins, ghouls, ghosts and bears ♪

♪ Why’d I say bears? ♪

♪ I don’t know, they’re scary ♪

♪ It’s Halloween ♪ Aah!

♪ Okay, bears aren’t that scary ♪

♪ They’re just big and hairy ♪

♪ They eat nuts and berries, not scary ♪

♪ But what the heck, it’s Halloween ♪ Aah!

♪ Halloween, ooh ♪

♪ Halloween, scary, scary ♪

♪ Halloween ♪

♪ Halloween-ween-ween ♪

♪ Goblins, ghouls, ghosts and bears ♪

♪ Why’d I say bears? ♪

♪ I don’t know, they’re scary, it’s Halloween. ♪ Aah!

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