Bob’s Burgers – S12E01 – Manic Pixie Crap Show | Transcript

Louise must attend the Pixie Princess Promenade to pay Millie a debt; a bouquet shaped like a dog forces Linda to face her past.
Bob's Burgers - S12E01 - Manic Pixie Crap Show

Original air date: September 26, 2021

Louise must pay a debt to Millie by attending the Pixie Princess Promenade. Meanwhile, a bouquet in the shape of a dog forces Linda to confront her past.

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♪ ♪

Well, everybody take a good look at Louise.

‘Cause it’s probably the last time you’re ever gonna see her.

Is it because you’re turning invisible?

It’s ethically fraught. I don’t recommend it.

No, today’s the day I have to meet Millie at the park, in the woods, for the “super-secret surprise.”

Oh, yeah. Well, surprises can be fun.

Right?

Uh-huh. When I tried to ask Millie about it, she put her finger on my lips and said, “Soon, my sweet.”

And then she stroked my face while humming a lullaby.

Oh, God.

Yep, so it’s been nice knowing everyone.

I mean, pretty nice.

Louise, couldn’t you just not go?

I got to go, Dad. I owe Millie big.

She gave me this super-rare Burobu card, The Slug-gitive.

His backstory is he was framed for his wife’s murder.

They stopped printing ’em ’cause they realized most kids haven’t seen The Fugitive.

That card’s the most important thing in my life now.

Good for you. Tina, breakfast!

Here I am. Sorry. I’ve just been staring at myself in the bathroom for the past hour.

Were you pumping yourself up to do toilet stuff?

No. Yes. But also, um, do you guys think I’m pretty?

What?!

What? Of-of course we do.

You’re the most beautiful person or thing that’s ever been born in the entire world.

Same with Gene and Louise.

(smooches) Love ya, babe.

It’s just, the other day at school, Tammy and Jocelyn were talking about this online tutorial they watched where a girl shows you how to do your makeup like a supermodel.

I asked them to send me the link, and they said that I wasn’t really supermodel material.

And that I was more like the person who brings the supermodels coffee but gets the order wrong, but the supermodels are really nice about it ’cause they’re pretty inside and out.

Those punks! You want me to drive by ’em and smack ’em with my car door?

Lin.

What?

Ugh. Why do you care about girly stuff like makeup and being pretty anyway?

I mean, faces are just a bunch of holes in one place.

(deep voice): Oh, my face holes are in a better spot than your face holes.

It’s when your bottom hole is in the wrong spot.

That’s when to worry.

Besides, Tina, the bigger issue is that it’s Millie Park Day.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

And I was kind of hoping maybe you and Gene could come with me?

I could use some muscle. And also Gene.

You had me at “also Gene.”

I’ll go, too. At least the squirrels won’t be all judgy.

That one is. Thinks he’s so great.

With his big nuts.

Gene.

Hi, I have a flower delivery for this address.

Ooh, flowers.

Wait a minute, are those flowers a dog?

Yes ma’am. It’s a Bow-Wow-Flower arrangement.

I love it! Technology, huh?

Unbelievable what they can do.

Who’s it from?

Yeah, where’s the card?

That’s… a fair question.

Okay.

That I was kind of… hoping didn’t come up, because I think it fell off somehow.

As we say in the flower business, sorry about that.

Aw. You know, it kind of reminds me of this dog that lived next door when I was a kid.

He was a white mutt named Bottle Cap.

They called him that ’cause he could balance a bottle cap on his nose.

He would entertain us neighborhood kids for hours.

Letting us put bottle caps on his nose.

And one time, a doll’s head we found.

That was weird. He was -Uh-huh cooler than any dog or person that I ever met.

He taught us so much about life, about balancing stuff on our noses.

I am who I am because of that dog.

Wait, really?

And then he got hit by a hot dog truck and died.

Whoa.

Oh. Lin. I’m-I’m so sorry.

Yeah. Dog, hot dog.

It’s almost funny. (laughing)

Oh, I’m laughing ’cause I’m fine.

Well, I’m gonna take off.

Have a good one.

Bye, flower man.

Okay, Bottle Cap Two, let’s put you on the counter.

I’ll set out a little bowl of kibble for ya.

(laughs) Just kidding, I know you’re flowers.

I know he’s flowers.

I know that-that you know.

(baby talk): I know you’re flowers. I know you’re flowers.

Shoot, Tina, we should have worked on your leg sweep. We got to be prepared to drop that little maniac on her…

Psst.

ALL: Aah!

Millie! There’s my girl.

So, Tina and Gene just happen to be here.

Not with me.

We’re here to throw a Frisbee.

Back and forth. To each other.

Uh, where’s the Frisbee?

We’re working up to it.

We’re about 90 days away.

Yep, okay, bye.

So what’s the cool surprise? And you’re coming at me… Oh, God!

Wait, wh-what are you doing?

There’s a camera and a microphone in the bow that I’m attaching to your bunny ear.

In your human ear, I’ll be putting a device thingie that allows us to communicate.

It’s all connected to my Dad’s phone.

He uses all this stuff for his mountain biking videos even though I would call them slight-hill biking videos.

And I have my Mom’s phone, so I’ll be able to see what you see and hear what you hear.

Uh… I told them I was upgrading their ringtone.

They were both very excited.

Millie, what is going on?

Have you heard about the Pixie Princess Promenade?

Oh, no.

Where pixie princesses take you on a magical adventure through the park -that changes you forever?

No, please.

I’ve been on nine of them. I may have gotten a little intense on the last one.

I allegedly headbutted a gnome in the chest.

And then I was disinvited to pixie-ticipate.

Don’t say this is where I come in.

So this is where you come in.

Oh, God.

I need you to do the Pixie Princess Promenade for me.

I need some pixie princess action.

Plus, they hand out wands at the end.

I already have eight wands, but I need more.

I want all the colors, I want all the flowers.

They put different flower stickers on the wands.

I want pink rose. You’re gonna get me pink rose.

Um… no. Definitely not, never, no.

Well, then I am forced and legally allowed to demand that you give me back the Slug-gitive card.

Ugh! I knew there had to be strings attached with that card.

Okay, so if I get you the wand, then we’re square?

Square as a bear in a chair with no hair. (gasps)

There are the pixie princesses and the pixie princess queen.

Oh, dear Lord.

Whoa. Is that a magical flying sex worker convention?

Oh, it’s the Pixie Princess Promenade.

The what?

I did it a few times when I was younger.

It was fun. Then I moved on to horses.

And I’ve been chasing that H ever since.

Oh, I almost forgot. My pixie wings.

Ugh.

Now you can sparkle and fly with the pixies up high.

This is gonna be the best three hours of your life! Aah!

I think I’m gonna throw up.

From enchantment?

Oh, God. So girly.

Hey. May we, uh, join you? We’re just taking a break.

Also our fake Frisbee got stuck in a tree.

So what’s, uh… what’s going on?

Louise is doing the Pixie Princess Promenade for me ’cause I’m banned.

Okay.

I got a pixie haircut once.

It worked until it didn’t.

LOUISE: Tina? Gene? Is that you? I need you to find a rock, throw it at my head, and I’ll have myself a nice rock nap.

MILLIE: Oh, I love how excited we both are, Louise.

Why, hello. I’m Pixie Princess Patricia.

(loud gasps)

Would you like to go on a Pixie Princess adventure?

ALL: Yay!

Ugh.

Only pixies allowed, so human parents and guardians, we ask you to wait in what you call “the parking lot.”

ALL: Yay!

What a wonderful day.

I’ve been busy using my magic wand to make the flowers extra pretty.

And I was just about to enjoy a nice twirl in the sunlight.

Do you pixies know how to twirl?

ALL: Yeah.

Let’s all twirl together.

ALL: Yeah!

Ugh.

MILLIE: Louise, I need you to twirl.

Millie, please.

Twirl.

(Louise groans)

Yes!

Oh, wait. My wings are tingling.

The other pixie princesses must be trying to tell me something.

(gasps): Oh, no!

It seems someone has stolen the Pixie Princess Queen’s sparkle sprinkles.

That’s what gives our magic wands their magic power.

Is sparkle sprinkles drugs?

I don’t remember. I don’t think so?

We’ve got to find the Princess Queen’s sparkle sprinkles.

But first, let’s twirl again for strength. Twirl!

ALL: Yeah!

Ugh.

I remember when I could twirl. Then time caught up with me.

Now I get dizzy looking at a rotisserie chicken.

So, yeah, kablam.

And then it was hot dogs and a dead dog. Ha!

But now I got this guy. You know what?

I’m gonna go get the spray bottle and give him a little spritz.

He’s looking a little wilty.

Okay, sounds good.

♪ La-la-la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

Bob?

♪ Bottle cap two. ♪

Bob? Bob?

What? Why are you whispering?

That was the saddest story I’ve ever heard in my life.

I think maybe Linda never processed Bottle Cap’s death.

Yeah. It is weird she never mentioned it.

Maybe she tried to block it out?

Or maybe you haven’t been a sensitive enough partner for her to feel safe opening up to you?

What?

It’s probably the first thing.

And, you know, those flowers are gonna die in a few days.

And then what? What if she spirals?

I don’t know. Uh, maybe she… won’t?

Here ya go. Doesn’t that feel nice?

♪ I’m gonna take care of you so you live forever ♪

♪ I haven’t looked it up ♪

♪ But I’m pretty sure it’s possible, yeah. ♪

Hrr-hrr, hrr-hrr.

♪ Rainbows and unicorns and butterflies and buttercups ♪

♪ And dew drops and daffodils ♪

Nope.

♪ And how ’bout more buttercups? ♪

Hey.

Hi. How ya doing?

Hmm. I’m guessing gnome guy stole the sparkle sprinkles.

Seems like a gnome thing to do.

MILLIE: There’s, uh, no way to know.

You just got to enjoy the ride.

Is that the guy you headbutted?

Uh, yeah, but the headbutting was about something else.

Politics.

Huh. I bet that’s where this all ends.

I bet that’s where the wands are.

Wait, what? Where are you going?

I just have to get the pink rose wand, right?

So I’m gonna ask that gnome for the pink rose wand, and then I’m out of here.

No. No.

A deal’s a deal, Millie.

No!

Wait. Millie, you headbutted the gnome?

Oh, gnome you didn’t.

Hey, there.

Oh, uh, a pixie.

Didn’t expect to see one of you for a while.

Let me, uh, gnome up.

Oh, you don’t have to do that.

(clears throat, high-pitched): I’m the gnome-iest gnome.

Far and wide do I roam with my rhyming and mischief and the…

Okay, yeah.

Let me stop you right there.

Look, I know this is the end.

D’uh… Uh…

I mean, that sign is kind of a tip off.

And, hey, I know you took the sparkle sprinkles.

And I don’t judge you for that, but the wands they give out?

I need a pink rose one.

What?

So if you want to just gnome it on over to me.

Look, kid, I’m not gonna just give you a pink rose wand.

That’s not how this works.

You got to earn the wand. Now scoot.

You made me break character.

I got to get back in the zone.

Off with you, leave me alone.

There. There he is. He’s back.

Ugh.

I know, right? Rhyming piece of…

(sing-songy): Okay, back to the promenade.

Gah!

TINA: Hey, Louise, uh, if it helps, I think there’s a tea party coming up.

Hmm?

And it’s kind of fun.

Hmm.

There’s no real tea, but there’s a lot of party.

GENE: Ooh, sounds decadent.

LOUISE: What have we here?

Jackpot.

MILLIE: Holy crap. So many in one place. Wands.

Wands, wands, wands, wands, wands, wands, wands, wands!

Hello, pink rose.

Okay, Millie, I got your wand, so now I’m gonna get the hell out of… Huh?

Wands, wands, wands, wands, wands.

And here you are.

Wands, wands, wands, wands… ♪ Wands!

Hey, what are you doing?

Uh…

You. Help. Help! It’s the headbutter.

Her and her accomplice are taking all the wands!

It’s a planned hit!

LITTLE GIRLS: Wands!

I want one! I want one! I want one!

GIRLS: Aah!

Up, bup, bup. Pixies, regroup. Regroup!

Run!

Yeah! This is so much funner than twirling!

(panting)

Quick. Over here.

Ooh, pretty good hiding spot.

One way in, one way out. Like all the best bushes.

Um, sure.

So, since we’re just hanging out, can I have some of your hair?

Eh, I’m sure you already have enough.

GIRL: Hello? Are the girls that took all the wands in there?

Oh, no. Uh, no. Sorry.

Check another bush.

GIRLS: Wands!

Boy, are they wand-crazy or what?

So, Louise is a forest person now.

Should we get the Frisbee and head home?

I guess?

Okay, we’ve got pixies lost in the field, the headbutter and her partner in wand crime. It’s a poop storm.

♪ Everything is fine, you’re friends aren’t lost ♪

♪ In the woods… ♪

But we’re gonna find them, because no pixies left behind.

I mean, their parents would also be upset.

And if they’re all together, stolen-wand fondling, you better believe everybody’s gonna get disinvited to pixie-ticipate.

Now let’s move.

Uh, me?

Couldn’t, uh, Pixie Princess Patricia go instead?

She’s pretty buff.

I’ll protect you, Stewart.

(whimpers)

Oh, no! If those little girls are with Louise and Millie, they might all get disinvited to pixie-ticipate.

And right when they’re in their pixie princess prime!

Their PPP.

Yes. And they should enjoy that time.

Because before they know it, they’ll be 13 and people will be telling them they’re not supermodel material and also won’t send them potentially helpful makeup tutorials.

We got to find Louise first and-and warn her.

Ugh! Does this mean we have to stay in the park?

I miss inside, and I bet it misses me!

Okay, now take one where it looks like I’m the dog and he’s the human.

Who’s walking who, right?

(chuckles) Got it.

Oh. I’m gonna go get a bottle cap to balance on his nose. I’ll be right back.

Okay, great.

Bob, I’ve been thinking, we should just keep buying this same flower arrangement and switch it out when Linda’s asleep.

And just do that for the rest of her life?

Okay. Uh, lot of flowers, but that could-could work.

Hey, Bob, Teddy. There it is.

That Bow-Wow-Flower arrangement was supposed to go to my place for a service this afternoon.

Oh. -Oh.

Mrs. Goldenblatt.

She wanted a “Doggone it, she’s gone”-themed funeral.

I called the delivery place and they said they accidentally brought it here.

So I’ll just be taking this.

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

What?

LINDA: Hey, Mort.

Have you met Bottle Cap Two?

He’s named after Bottle Cap, the dog I loved from my childhood that got hit by a truck and died right in front of me.

Wait, it was in front of you?

It just keeps getting more horrific.

But this guy’s not gonna die on me, are you, huh?

No, you’re not.

Or I could wait a bit.

I’m holding so many. So much power.

It’s intoxicating.

Yeah, uh, try not to squeeze them so hard, please.

Thank you.

Look, Millie, you got your wands, so seems like time for me to shove on out of this bush.

What? No! If they find you, they’ll make you talk, probably with torture, and then they’ll find the wands and then they’ll probably take them back.

And then I’ll have to take Slug-gitive back.

I won’t give it to you.

Then I’ll come and get it.

In the night. I was planning to come by and get some other stuff anyway.

Ugh! Fine.

Uh-oh.

My Mom’s phone is gone.

(gasps) It must have fallen out when we were running.

Hey, no licking.

(whispering): Louise. Louise!

(whistles) Here, girl.

(gasps) It’s them. Quick, hide.

So, I thought we could just slowly incorporate that the gnome also does beatboxing.

And he wears a jean jacket.

Stop. What’s this?

(gasps) I think that’s Millie’s phone.

I would love to hear that guy beatbox in a jean jacket.

PIXIE PRINCESS QUEEN: Hello. I see you.

I’m coming for you.

Ah. Aah!

She’s in my head. She’s in my head!

Hang up the phone!

Hang up the pho…

Redial.

(ringtone playing)

Aha. Lead us to them, funky ringtone.

Uh, that’s not good. We got to follow them.

And, uh, if it seems like they’re about to find everybody, maybe you could cause a distraction?

So I could warn Louise?

Oh.

If I could do a split, you could be like, “Hey, look at that kid doing a split.”

So I just have to learn how to do a split.

Yeah, that could work.

(Linda humming)

Okay, I think we should make a move.

All right. Good luck.

I mean, I’m-I’m coming, too.

Oh, I can’t watch.

Also, I actually can’t watch because I got to go fix a guy’s roof.

I was supposed to be there hours ago. He’ll understand.

Okay, don’t blow it. Bye.

Uh, Linda?

Uh, about the flowers…

Yeah?

The thing is, they were actually supposed to go to Mort’s.

Yeah, they’re for a funeral today, so I-I need to take them.

Oh. Huh. I see.

Are you okay with that?

What? Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine.

Uh, good.

They’re just flowers, Bob.

Okay, you’re grabbing the flowers and backing away.

No.

I mean, yeah.

Uh, I got to go use the bathroom real quick.

Not to hide. To, uh, to poop. I’ll be right back!

Oh, boy.

(ringtone playing)

I hate this. I hate this.

And I have to pee.

I’ve peed, like, five times.

Yeah, I know. So much easier with an outie.

Oh, God. They must be hiding in those bushes.

Gene, distraction.

Okay.

This is gonna be a little raw.

(grunts, groans)

Hey.

Whoa, is that kid doing a split?

Also, to no one in particular, Mayday! Run! Run away!

Son of a pix.

Can you believe how good I am at this?

Okay, Millie, that was pretty cool how you left the other phone there to give us a chance to get away, but now what?

I think we just walk to Canada, and you and me get an apartment there together.

Why did you even have that bow camera anyway?

She got banned from the promenade thing.

Wait, so you can’t pixie-ticipate anymore?

Nope.

Ever?

Nope.

Curse word.

Sorry about my language.

Um, hello? We’re all on the run, apparently.

Pretty sure everyone here is getting banned.

What?!

Ah, curse word! Sorry.

Then what’s the point of anything?

Okay, that’s it.

Look, maybe getting banned is the best thing that could happen to you. You, too, Millie.

What are you talking about?

I’m talking about the fact that you could be free.

Free from all this girly girl pixie crap.

Why would we want that?

And what about this sweet wand score?

Ugh, come on. They’re just brainwashing you with their wands and their twirling and their sparkle sprinkles.

Sparkle sprinkles?! Where?

No. No sparkle sprinkles.

Oh.

Wait, you know what you guys should do?

Throw the wands in the pond.

What?

Show them that they don’t get to tell you that you can’t come back because you don’t want to come back.

Throw the wands in the pond.

Huh. I mean, it does rhyme.

And an older kid is telling us to do it.

Or at least larger?

Thank you.

Okay. Yeah. Maybe you’re right. And, also, you’re perfect, and I think I love you more than my mom.

So let’s do this.

Attagirl!

(growls)

Ugh. We can’t find Louise.

We can’t find a bathroom. Dang it, I’m gonna pee.

Cover me.

Nobody’s peeing here.

That’s just a tiny river.

(gasps) There they are. Wait, what are they doing?

LOUISE: Wands in the pond on three.

Oh, my God. No! Uh, stopping midstream.

Okay, sort of stopped. Louise! No, no!

No wands in ponds! No wands in ponds!

Louise, stop. You can’t throw the wands in the pond.

Who are you guys?

I’m her sister.

And she’s my sister. It’s complicated.

Why is your skirt like that?

Don’t worry about it.

Louise, you’re gonna get all these little kids banned.

That’s the point, Tina. I’m freeing them from all this girly girl-ness.

Are we doing this? Are we doing this?

Come on. (growls)

I guess?

No. Little girls, don’t. Uh… Oh, look at me.

I’m twirling.

Oh, God. I want to twirl.

No. Resist the twirl.

Maybe just a little twirl?

No.

Also, what about this split?

Linda? How, uh…

How you doing in there?

LINDA: Fine.

How’s the restaurant? Is it fun?

Uh-huh.

Bob, let me jump in here.

You know, as a wise man named Charles Brown famously said, good grief.

Huh? What?

What I’m saying is I think you need to do some good grieving right now.

Seems like you never got to say goodbye to Bottle Cap, but here’s your chance.

For the next, uh, two and a half minutes.

Say goodbye to the flowers as if it’s the real Bottle Cap?

Seems kind of ridiculous.

Well, why don’t you just try…

LINDA (crying): Oh, Bottle Cap!

Why did you leave me?

Why? Why?

Oh, God. So dizzy.

I feel great.

Okay, how about this?

Just hand over the wands, nice and easy, and I’ll give ’em back, and you guys won’t be banned.

Yay. Great plan.

Tina, I’m helping them.

But they like this stuff, Louise.

No, they don’t.

Pretty sure they do.

But I don’t like it.

So?

Well, why? Why don’t I like it?

Why have I never liked any of this stuff?

What do you mean?

I mean… Ugh.

I don’t know. Is something wrong with me?

Am I not being a girl right or something?

What? Louise, it’s fine that you don’t like it.

It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you.

I mean, you like your stuff, like your Burobu cards, and they like their pixie princess stuff.

Everyone can just like what they like and be who they are, and that’s okay.

Really? Miss I Have to Be Pretty?

That’s your last name?

PIXIE PRINCESS QUEEN: Freeze, pixie wand thieves.

TINA: Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And I’m not scared of you anymore.

I’m sorry to say you are all disinvited to…

(gnome voice): Uh, I did it. Yeah, me, the gnome’s eviler, nonrhyming cousin, Gnom-a.

What?

You are?

Yep. I, uh, tried to put these pixies under an evil spell so they’d throw the wands in the pond.

I was just gonna ruin things for them ’cause of, I guess, my own issues.

But, yeah, they wouldn’t do it.

Well, thank you for your honesty, cousin Gnom-a.

So she was an undercover evil gnome all along?

We should have taken her out while we had the chance.

Uh, anyway, this one tried to stop me.

I did?

Big-time.

You should probably reinstate her and have her knighted or something.

Not sure how this all works.

Well, no pixies left behind.

I’ll consider it.

What?!

Yes!

So, these are yours?

You know what, I’ll take those.

Yep.

Yep. Cool by me. So, I got to go.

Bye. Gnome-ing away.

Um, us, too. Bye.

Good luck with your jean jacket!

LINDA: And I’m sorry that I bought a hot dog from that hot dog truck the very next day.

I love you, Bottle Cap.

I’ll see you in heaven. I know all dogs go there.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God, that feels good. Is there time for me to pretend the flower dog’s my eighth grade teacher who got hit by a milk truck?

Good God, Lin.

Ooh, sorry.

I got to get going.

It’s fine. She and I weren’t that close.

Oh, now I got to poop for real. I got to go.

I’m proud of what you did back there, Louise.

Would this be an appropriate time to say “you go, girl”?

Probably not.

Got it.

But thanks. And, Tina?

Yeah?

About this whole “am I pretty” thing, which I still think is stupid, but…

I just want to say I like looking at you.

I think, you know, your face holes are in really good spots.

And if you’re not pretty, then I don’t know what is.

Aw. Thanks, Louise.

Anyone have anything nice to say about my holes?

They’re great.

They’re good. They’re good.

Thank you.

Now, who wants to carry me like a baby the rest of the way home? Fight over it. Go!

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, Bottle Cap Two ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, Bottle Cap Two ♪

♪ I’m gonna take care of you so you’ll live forever ♪

♪ I haven’t looked it up, but I’m pretty sure it’s possible ♪

♪ I got to take care of you so you’ll live forever ♪

♪ I haven’t looked it up, but I’m pretty sure it’s possible ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, Bottle Cap Two ♪

Aw, it’s like the sequel.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, Bottle Cap Two. ♪

* * *

References 

Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
The exterminator is “Bug Store Cowboy”.

The Fugitive (1993)
The Slugative trading card is a spoof of this show

Spoofs 

Jerry Maguire (1996)
Gene says, “You had me at ‘Also Gene’.”

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