Bob’s Burgers – S11E22 – Vampire Disco Death Dance [Transcript]

Tina invites her friends to see an old campy vampire sing-along movie with her and Bob; Linda opens a restaurant for raccoons in the alley.
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Bob's Burgers - S11E22 - Vampire Disco Death Dance

Original air date: May 23, 2021

* * *

[♪]

♪ Where are all the people who want to buy some food? ♪

♪ Not here. ♪

Hey, kids.

How was school?

Did you dazzle your teachers? Did you make a big splash?

GENE: I sure did. Center stall.

About 12 minutes after lunch.

Up top, big guy.

Mm.

Well, it was actually a pretty slow day here today.

Wait, here? No.

It was slow, and so, Tina, guess who had time to work on our costumes for our father-daughter movie date to see Vampire Disco Death Dance tomorrow night?

You? Wait, is this a trick question?

It was me. And your mom helped, too.

I did most of it, and your father just had a lot of opinions.

It’s not fair. Why don’t Gene and I get to go see a vampire movie?

Well, it’s not just a movie.

It’s a dress-up-sing-along interactive experience.

There’s an emcee, people talk back to the screen.

At one point, people even throw confetti.

But you guys are a little too young. It-It’s rated R.

What, for violence?

Well, there’s a couple swears, and a character gets drunk, and there’s a lot of innuendo.

We see stuff like that every day with you and Mom.

But it’s definitely not violent.

There’s not even any blood in it.

It’s-it’s campy.

No blood? Oh. Now I don’t want to go.

Trust me, you’re missing out.

It’s about this 18-year-old farmer named Kevin.

I like that.

Kevin works on his mean dad’s garlic farm, but what he really wants to do is go to a disco nightclub that turns out to be run by vampires.

That’s where Kevin meets Destiny Fanger, the costume that Tina’s gonna wear.

Yeah, check it out.

I sewed a long-sleeve shirt onto a pair of pants, glued a bunch of sequins all over it,

and now it’s a jumpsuit. My little disco death dancer.

I want to see the crap out of this movie.

Well, when you’re 13, I’ll take you.

It-It’ll be like a rite of passage.

I saw it when I was 13.

Oh, it’s old?

BOB: Yeah.

Gross.

Yeah. Ew.

Well, Tina’s excited for our father-daughter movie date tomorrow night, right?

What? Oh, yeah, it’s, uh, gonna be really fun.

Um, why are you drinking like that?

Some kids at school have been playing this new game they made up.

It’s called drinking or not drinking.

What is it? How do you play?

You put a straw in your drink, then you put the straw in your mouth.

And then people have to guess if you’re drinking or not drinking.

Hmm.

Do you guys know about fun games?

It’s dumb! It’s a dumb game!

But I’m realizing the kids I hang out with are kind of my only shot at a peer group,

so I’m just making the best of it.

Aw, sweetie.

I mean, I wish I had a group of friends that were all really close and shared our deepest hopes and desires and we all got each other.

But it doesn’t look like things are going that way, so these kids are my best option.

And that means I’ve got practice drinking and/or not drinking.

Hmm, it looks like you’re holding in a fart.

It looks like you’re holding in a stroke.

Well, it sounds like tomorrow night will be a good break from your super great not terrible at all group.

TINA: Mm-hmm.

(liquid gurgling)

Tina, please stop doing that with your face.

It-It’s scaring me.

All right, that was a good one. Let’s play another round.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool. So fun.

My turn. Everyone look at me.

Oh, she’s drinking, baby.

Zeke, I don’t think she is.

Wait, now I don’t think she is, either.

Dang, she’s good.

Yeah, crazy. Wow.

Oh, my God, she’s totally drinking.

You’re right, I was drinking.

I knew it. In your faces and your places.

My turn.

Oh, cool, cool. Playing again.

I just saw a little milk on his lips.

He’s drinking, baby!

(chuckles) Get over here, you little drinker stinker.

I’m gonna… Get over here.

(gasping)

Zeke, you made milk come out of my nose.

Ha! Let’s never not play this game.

This game is, like, who we are.

(groaning)

Don’t cut off your fingers, don’t cut off your fingers.

Oh, my God.

Don’t cu… Wha?

Wha? Wha?

Somebody dumped a bunch of junk in our alley last night.

Ooh, it’s nasty.

Oh, look at the little baby table with the little baby chairs.

Oh, they’re kind of moldy.

Aw, but they’re so little and cute.

Pickup is in a few days.

I need to get all this junk inside the dumpster, or else they won’t take it.

I’ll help you.

Let’s get this junk in the trunk.

We’re really gonna have to mush it in there to get the dumpster to close all the way.

Or else the raccoons will come tonight and rip open all the trash bags and make an even bigger mess.

Oh, God forbid the raccoons should have a little fun.

Lin, I know that they’re your friends.

It’s just, they do make a mess. It’s rude.

You-you maybe shouldn’t be friends with them.

Hey, what if they ate at the little moldy table?

Like a little raccoon restaurant.

Linda, please, just help me mush.

Raccoons sitting on little chairs, using little knives and forks.

Aw, we should do that.

I mean, maybe not.

Yeah, yeah, you’re right. That’d be crazy.

All right, hold my apron, I’m going in.

(grunts)

I can’t climb up. What’s wrong with me?

Am I not strong?

I’ll give you a boost. (grunting)

Thank you.

Guys, wait.

What?

Wait.

What?

We should play drinking or not drinking somewhere tonight.

Oh, my God, yes.

Hell yeah.

I’m so in.

Dang.

I really do want to hang out with my crew tonight…

That’s you guys… But I already have plans.

Plans? Wh-What do you mean? With who?

My dad’s taking me to see a movie.

Ugh. Why?

It’s an old vampire movie. It’s a musical.

We’re dressing up in costume like two of the characters.

People sing and talk back to the screen.

The screen can hear you?

Uh, it can’t hear you, Jocelyn, no.

Oh, my God, I thought… Oh, my God, good.

Oh, and it’s rated R.

Do what?

What?

Damn.

Yeah.

All right, good mushing.

I think it’ll close now. I-I hope.

Hey, look… Someone threw away Mom and Dad.

Ooh, now we can get fresh, new parents.

Maybe hairless, smooth ones.

Hi, kids.

Don’t worry, Tina, I-I’m gonna shower before the movie tonight.

Oh, so now you shower.

Hey, Dad, guess what.

What?

I told Zeke, Jimmy Junior, Tammy and Jocelyn about the movie, and now they want to come, too.

Um, they do?

Yes. At first they just wanted to play the stupid drinking game tonight, but now they want to do something I want to do.

They’re gonna buy tickets for the movie.

Wait. Really?

So now maybe we’ll all start liking the same things, and I’ll never need any new friends.

It’s all thanks to you, Dad.

And you get to pick everybody up tonight and drive us all there and chaperone us.

Thanks. I love you.

Great.

This is gonna be a good night Dad.

Hey, you’re okay with all of my friends coming with us, right?

Uh, yeah. Uh, definitely.

Oh, you’re gonna have such a good time, Dad.

Tammy is a treat.

She’s fine if you just think about something else when she starts talking.

Tina, please try not to move.

I-I’m doing your makeup really well.

Eh.

Okay, so Tina’s a vampire lady with slightly thicker eyebrows.

Dad, who are you?

I’m Nightclub Guy Number Three.

He only has one line, but everybody in the audience yells it at the screen.

What’s his line?

It’s right before he dies.

He yells, “Dis-go to hell, vampires.”

Wow. I’m surprised this movie didn’t get banned with that edgy stuff.

Well, I’m pumped. Woo-hoo!

And done. I-I think.

All right, get out of here, you two. Love you.

And we’re not gonna do anything weird with raccoons in the alley.

Wait. What?

What? No. Just… Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Oh, God. Let-Let’s just go.

Have fun.

And, Mommy, Louise, you might want to get out of here, too.

It’s showtime.

Oh, my God, you’re pooping.

Ugh, yeah, he is.

What? That was the plan, and then everyone came in here!

Wait, Tina, why do you look like that?

Are you goth now?

Aw. Don’t be goth.

You’re already so sad.

(sighs)

Remember, everybody? I said it was a singalong dress-up thing?

It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.

I mean, it’s not not a big deal.

It’s kind of part of the whole thing.

What are you dressed up as, Mr. B?

You look like an old-ass Burt Reynolds or something.

My stepmom Cheryl lets me say “ass” and a couple of other curses now.

Hope that’s cool with you.

No, I don’t like it.

There’s a red light coming up.

Uh, thanks, Jimmy. I-I see it.

I couldn’t tell if you were paying attention. You look sleepy.

I-I’m not sleepy. I’m… I’m just old.

Guys, when we stop, we should yell something at the people in the car next to us.

Oh, my God, that’d be so funny.

No, ple-please don’t yell at…

Hey, person in the car.

I like your shirt.

Oh, my God, he looked at me.

Drive, drive, drive.

I-I can’t. It’s a red light.

Remember? You pointed it out.

You okay, Dad?

Yup. Yup.

I’m doing great, Tina.

LINDA: All right, we got the dirty little table and chairs all set up in the alley.

Now we need to finish cooking the raccoons their dinner.

And then we can open up their restaurant.

So, just to double-check here, we’re making a restaurant in our alley for raccoons?

Exactly.

I love this lady.

Here, Gene, stir.

And we’re cooking them real food because Dad said he didn’t want them to eat our trash?

Yes. And they work hard just like anyone else, and they deserve to have a hot meal and a nice atmosphere.

And I bet they tip great.

Okay, here’s how this is gonna work.

We’re serving spaghetti. We’re gonna plate it up here and carry the food down to the alley.

We’ve got three chairs, and I’m betting we have a full house for opening night.

Sorry, I keep having questions.

How do we get raccoons to sit in chairs?

They’re not animals. They know how to sit in chairs.

Gene, you’re on music duty. I’m thinking something jazzy.

On it. I’ll bring my keyboard. I’ll learn jazz.

Louise, you’re gonna help with atmosphere.

That means you’re on candle duty.

You get to use matches.

Okay, I like this now.

All right! Let’s resta this raunt.

JIMMY: Uh, Mr. Belcher?

So, you’re still, like, here, with us, like, outside of your car.

Is that on purpose?

What? Um, yeah.

Uh, I’m coming with you guys.

Oh…

Okay. Okay.

Did you think I got dressed up like this just to drop you off at the movie theater?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yup.

(whispers): Tina, do something.

It’s rated R. He has to come with us.

Ugh. Fart noise.

(farts)

Oh. (chuckles) That’s actually weird, ’cause that… then there was a sound, but that’s… it wasn’t from me.

Cool. Lot of costumes.

Yeah. Oh. That guy’s dressed up as Vamp von Tramp, the vampire gigolo.

Hey, look. It’s Dominic.

Oh, hey, Bob, and all the teens Bob is hanging out with.

Oh, no. We’re not hanging out.

I-I’m chaperoning.

So, Vampire Disco Death Dance night.

Are you excited?

Sure. I love being the guy that cleans up after a movie where people throw stuff all around the theater.

Oh. Well, um, uh, nice to see you.

And sorry about the mess that we’re all about to make.

It’s all right. I wanted a job in showbiz.

Okay, let’s go in and try and grab some good seats while we can.

Hold up, Mr. B.

Sweet kids need sweet treats.

Should we get in the snack line, or…?

Yeah, we should.

Tina, why don’t we go in and save some seats.

All right, get some snacks, and then let’s watch this thing and have some fun with it.

Sound good, kid crew?

Did you just say “kid crew”?

Yeah, it just came out.

Uh, maybe it’s like a name for our little group.

Kid Krew. Spelled with a K.

(chuckles) I-I don’t know. Never mind. Uh, see you in there.

Hey, you funky chickens.

Grab a seat and hang on to your necks!

Is he talking to us?

They-they greet everyone like that.

Oh, hey, let’s grab those over there.

You think they’ll find us up here?

They’ll be able to see us, right?

We’re not blocking you, are we, with our giant spider hair?

Oh, no, uh, you’re fine.

I like your costume, Destiny.

Thanks, uh, spider person.

Sorry I don’t know the movie that well yet.

So, kind of cool, right?

Really cool.

I think the Kid Crew’s gonna be into it, once they handle that snack attack. (chuckles)

(high-pitched): Hoo-hoo.

It’s starting!

(spooky music plays)

(whooping)

(wolf howls)

AUDIENCE: Whoa!

Whoa. I’m dizzy.

[♪]

Go to sleep, Kevin!

And turn off that music!

Did you hear me?

Dang it, Kevin.

You’ve got garlic to pick in the morning.

Kind of a waste of garlic. But it’s fun.

But-but I don’t do it.

Sorry, Dad.

I was just practicing my bus stop a little bit.

I think it’s really gettin’ there.

Yeah, it is.

FARMER KEITH: You and your dang disco dancing.

Where are they?

Hello, fire. I made you.

Now I’m gonna put you here.

Here… and here.

I control you. I am the lord of light.

Okay, okay, Louise. Put out the match.

Why? Just ’cause it’s about to burn my fingers?

Oh, okay, I’m doing it now. Ow.

(clears throat) Yesterday, I had a little idea to use a small, moldy table to create a restaurant for raccoons.

And tonight, Alley Rascals is open for business, baby.

Yeah!

(chanting): Mommy! Mommy!

Raccoons!

We got spaghetti and jazz in the alley.

Gene, go. Jazz, now.

(playing keyboard)

♪ Jazz. Jazzy-jazz. ♪

♪ Jazzity-jazz-jazz-jazz… ♪

All right, let’s crouch down next to the dumpster so we don’t scare ’em.

Gene, did you write that song?

No, but I bought the rights to it.

[♪]

What’s taking so long?

WOMAN: Hello.

I didn’t know boy legs could do that.

I’m Destiny. Want to dance with Destiny?

Sure, uh, let me just re-cinch my overalls.

Those overalls and me have something in common.

‘Cause I’m gonna be all over you.

Tina, there’s your character.

It’s Destiny. Look.

What?

It’s Destiny. There she is.

Great. Great.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah. I’m fine.

This song is called, “I’m All Over You.” It’s really good.

♪ I’ve been alive for 300 years ♪

♪ Had a thousand lovers, seen a million fears ♪

♪ In men’s eyes, let me explain ♪

♪ It means nothing to me when I slurp their veins ♪

Wait, you’re gonna do what?

♪ But this boy Kevin makes my heart flutter ♪

♪ Want to see him tonight underneath my covers ♪

(singing along): ♪ ‘Cause I, oh, oh, ooh, I ♪

♪ Am all over you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh. ♪

Um, why do you smell like garlic?

AUDIENCE: Uh-oh.

There might be a little garlic on my overalls.

Why don’t you go ahead and take those off?

I want to see what’s under those overalls.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

♪ ‘Cause I, oh, oh, ooh, I ♪

♪ Am all over you ♪

I’m just gonna go check on them.

Hey, don’t you love this song?

I’m so excited we’re seeing this together.

Oh. And you’re… you’re gone. Oh, uh…

♪ Am all over you. ♪

There you are.

Where have you been?

Where have I been? I’ve been watching the movie.

What are you guys doing out here?

We’re doing a lightning round of, uh… oh, I don’t know…

(imitates slurping)

Drugs?

What?

Drinking or not drinking.

Right.

Tina, play. Come on.

The-the movie… started. Remember?

The thing we came to see?

It’s fine, Tina.

It’s okay if that old movie gets a little older.

(scoffs) Do you want to play or what?

Here, use mine.

TAMMY: Tina. Don’t be a poop smear. Play.

Ugh. Okay.

ZEKE: Uh, drinking.

Not drinking.

Damn, this game keeps you on your toes.

I was drinking.

Oh, wow. Wasn’t gonna guess that. Crazy.

Sit down, Tina. Get comfortable.

(groans)

Okay, okay, okay! My turn.

Wait, is it weird if you can’t breathe when you’re drinking?

Mm. Yes. You should have that looked at.

I don’t know, Destiny.

Your teeth are so sharp. I’m all… turned around.

(laughter)

I love that part.

Huh. Still not back.

Ooh. I was drinking.

(laughs, burps)

Oopsie. (giggles)

Hey, I have a fun idea.

We could all go in and watch the movie.

It’s really good. I mean, the innuendos are so innuendo-y.

And Jimmy Jr., it’s very dance-y and-and the main character has some daddy-issue stuff.

That’s your kind of fun.

Sounds pretty cool, right?

Cooler than this?

Cooler than playing drinking or not drinking on a staircase?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The movie does sound pretty cool.

Maybe we should check it out.

All right. Great.

Kid Crew is doing this. Let’s go.

We’re coming! Stop yelling at us.

And stop saying Kid Crew.

Teen Troupe?

Um, maybe.

(playing)

♪ Jazz, jazz, jazz ♪

♪ Jazzy-jazz-jazz. ♪

Oh. Look.

We’ve got customers.

Time to go smooth jazz.

(whispering): ♪ Jazzy-jazz-jazz ♪

♪ Jazzy, jazz-jazz… ♪

(Linda gasps)

It’s Big Baby Pudding Snatcher, Little King Trashmouth and his husband Gary!

♪ All of my mommy’s friends are here. ♪

Yeah.

Oh, my God, he’s gonna sit in the little chair.

No, wait, he’s just standin’ on it.

But still. Oh, it’s so cute.

Whoa. They are going to town on that pasta.

They’re eating fast.

They must have tickets to the opera.

Or maybe they have to catch a flight to Bonnaroo.

Will you look at them? They love it.

This is so much better than our other restaurant.

The one that serves food to humans?

That place is garbage.

JOCELYN (whispering): Tammy.

What?

Tammy.

What?

Is that a vampire?

Ya-huh, Jocelyn. Yes.

Oh. Okay.

Wait, what about her? Is she a vampire?

Yes.

Wait, is this movie about vampires?

Yes. It’s about vampires. Shush.

Hey, J-Ju. Look at this crazy-shaped gummy bear.

(laughing) What the heck?

It doesn’t even look like a bear.

This bear’s had a lot of work done. (laughs)

Did it just come like that? This is so interesting.

I just pulled it out of the bag and I was all like, “do what?” (laughs)

Okay, I’m gonna eat it.

No. Zeke, you can’t eat it.

It’s special.

I’m eatin’ it.

Don’t.

I’m doin’ it.

No. Zeke…

(grunting)

Guys, come on.

Shush!

Aw, they’re almost finished.

Gary’s just nibbling on his last noodles.

LOUISE: Looks like Big Baby Pudding Snatcher’s still hungry.

She’s really staring at Gary’s spaghetti.

It feels a little… tense.

Oh, no.

What?

LINDA: I think they’re about to fight.

G-Gary! No biting! No biting!

No! No! Oh, come on. Please.

Rac attack!

LOUISE: Fire!

Oh, my plates!

(Gene gasps)

I’ll try to calm them down with music.

(playing)

(squeaking)

Gene, that’s making it worse.

Oh, no. I made their fight funkier.

Guys.

Drinking or not drinking?

Jimmy Jr., just watch the movie.

Tina, don’t be a pee stain.

1,000% not drinking.

Guys.

I know your not-drinkin’ face.

You’re not drinkin’, J-Ju.

Fess up.

Guys.

No, he’s drinking. For sure.

Oh, my God.

Tina, what is your pube-lem?

Stop it! You guys are being so annoying!

I shouldn’t have invited you!

I thought you actually wanted to do this!

Oh, boy.

Tina, you’re screaming.

It’s loud.

Yeah, Tina. We’re in a theater.

I’m such an idiot for thinking we could do something interesting together and remember it and bond over it and be a krew, with a K!

Dominic, can you stop the movie?

Hey, uh, ma’am-teen-person?

You’re-you’re kind of freaking out and ruining the movie for everyone. Are you okay?

No. In the game of okay or not okay, I am not okay! Aah!

(crying loudly)

Tina, wait…

Ow.

Sorry.

ZEKE: Ow.

Sorry.

Ow.

Ow.

Sorry. Sorry.

Ugh. Why did I invite them?

Tina, you were just trying to share something that you thought was cool, like I was trying to do with you.

Which they ruined.

Yeah. They really did.

They’re awful.

Yeah.

And now they’re in there watching the movie they don’t care about at all and we’re out here.

Yeah. That’s not how I saw things going.

Can we just go home without them?

I-I don’t think I’m allowed to do that, Tina.

Even though it would be pretty fun just to leave them here.

It really would.

Do you want me to go get them and we can leave?

I understand if you don’t want to go back in there.

‘Cause of the whole screaming really loud at everyone thing?

Yeah.

Can we just sit here for a little bit?

Of course.

They’re gonna rip each other apart!

Stop it! Stop fighting!

God, they’re out of control!

What if we feed them more?

Gene, empty your pockets.

I know you got something in there.

My pocket pantry is empty at this hour.

I refill it in the morning.

I just wanted to give them something nice.

Something special.

Mom, where are the matches?

I feel like we can solve the problem with burning things.

What? How would that even work?

We light the restaurant on fire, then the raccoons make peace and unite to help us put it out?

No. All right, I know what we need to do.

What?

Your dad’s not gonna like it.

And it’s gonna make a big mess.

And we’re gonna have to clean it up before he gets home.

But it’s our only option.

Are you gonna go pee-pee in the alley to show your dominance?

No. Doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

I’m opening the dumpster.

I think the raccoon restaurant was something I did just to make me happy.

What’s in here… that’ll make them happy.

It’s like an all-you-can-eat raccoon buffet.

All right, dumpster’s open, raccoons. Have at it!

They went in.

The smell lets you know your plan is working.

Yeah. It’s gonna be bad.

I got to say, it was a pretty good opening night.

I have a few notes for tomorrow.

You know, the first time I came to Vampire Disco Death Dance, I came by myself.

Really? You came alone?

I didn’t think anybody I was hanging out with would like it.

But I remember sitting there, looking around the theater at all these people in costume, all of us singing together, and I thought, “Wow, I’m-I’m not alone.

“I’m with people who, you know, kind of get me.

Th-They exist.”

So you found them? People that got you?

Yeah. Eventually.

You know… some.

Basically, your mother.

Anyone else? People you keep in touch with?

Groups of old friends you go on adventures with?

(chuckles) Oh. Oh, no, I-I don’t do that.

I mean, I just kind of go to bed.

But Tina, you’ll meet people like that.

Y-You’ll go on adventures.

You’ll stay in touch. I know you will.

You really think so?

I know it, because I would want to be one of those people

if I met you.

Thanks, Dad.

(disco playing in distance)

Oh, this is the last song.

Tina, come on.

There’s a little dance everybody does to this one.

I’m not a very good dancer.

I mean, you’re moving.

Okay, so this is where Destiny turns Kevin into a vampire so that they can be together forever.

Aw, that’s nice.

Yeah. I mean, all the vampires kind of take turns drinking from him.

But there’s-there’s no blood.

It’s just a lot of licking. Ton of licking.

What’s the song called?

Uh, “Shake Your Love Parts.”

The verses are really sweet.

The chorus is definitely a… you know, a little… adult.

Uh, and that’s the dance to it?

Kind of. I-I think.

You know, my body doesn’t go in all the directions anymore.

Thanks for taking me here, Dad.

I guess I’ll just have to wait to meet whoever I meet next.

And in the meantime, you have a group of kids who maybe aren’t terrible all the time?

Mm… Let’s just dance.

Or do whatever it is you’re doing right now.

So, um, how did you kids like the movie that I wanted my daughter and I to go to?

There were actually some pretty cool dance moves in it.

Their outfits were kind of dumb, though.

Yeah, their pants got really big at the bottom and I didn’t know why.

And then all these bats started flyin’ at this guy’s face and I was like, “What the ass?”

And then the bats carried a disco ball around the whole city.

It was actually kind of beautiful.

Really? So you guys didn’t hate it?

Yeah, it wasn’t totally dumb.

Just, like, mostly stupid.

Just like you, Tammy. Just joking.

Like how our crew does? Sometimes?

Kid Crew.

Oh, my God, let’s yell at those people in that car!

BOB: No, please don’t.

Your car is blue!

Drive, drive, drive, drive!

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Bump it on the floor ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Shake it more and more ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ I just can’t stop believing ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Your love parts got me screaming ♪

♪ Eternal love is groovin’ ♪

♪ I bite your neck, it’s soothin’ ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Bump it on the floor ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Shake it more and more ♪

♪ Shake your love parts ♪

♪ Bump it on the floor ♪

♪ Shake your love… ♪

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