Bob’s Burgers – S11E21 – Tell Me Dumb Thing Good [Transcript]

Linda recruits the kids in her fight to save a dumb local tradition; Bob is entranced by an online cucumber.
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Bob's Burgers - S11E21 - Tell Me Dumb Thing Good

Original air date: May 16, 2021

As Bob fixates on a cucumber growing blog, Linda and the kids face a dilemma over allowing a soft pretzel franchise to open in their neighbourhood or continuing to dress up a trash can with a variety of themed costumes.

* * *

♪ ♪

LINDA: ♪ Just put toilet paper ♪

♪ In the bathroom ♪

♪ I wonder how long there wasn’t any in there ♪

♪ Could it have been two years? ♪

It easily could.

(door opens)

Hey, Teddy.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing on the laptop, Bob?

Bunch of spreadsheets? Something with Bitcoin?

Oh, uh, I’m on that Neighborhood website.

The one where people post about stuff going on in the area/ yell at each other?

Yep. There’s a guy who’s growing cucumbers in his basement and every day he posts a picture of them growing.

It’s really interesting. Take a look.

That’s definitely cucumbers in a guy’s basement.

God, I can’t wait until he posts again.

Yeah that’s great, hon. Oh, crap, I just remembered.

I told Gene it’s mac and cheese night, but we don’t have any mac and cheese.

I got to go to the store.

Yeah, you do.

That’s an emergency. Last time we didn’t have mac and cheese, he called the police on us.

Hey, if I go now, I can meet the kids and walk them home from school.

I mean, they already like you better, but okay.

I wish I could walk with my mom, but she’s going through a skateboard phase.

A woman walking down the street with a bag full of mac and cheese.

Bob Dylan had a song about that, I think.

What can I tell you? I’m a great mom.

And I’m not just saying that ’cause Mother’s Day is coming up.

Right. Mother’s Day.

Man, I just hope we have enough wrapping paper.

That’s my main concern.

Really? I’m concerned we don’t have any presents.

Gene.

Aw, Brown Rice Bonanza closed.

It wasn’t as exciting as they made it sound.

Hey, there’s that trash can.

The one people add stuff to sometimes and make it look like a little person.

Oh, yeah. I remember when someone gave it a mustache.

It was like trashy hot Dad.

Ooh, I have an idea.

Okay, ripping this cup in half, and who’s got a pen?

Me. Here’s my third favorite pen.

Eh, eh.

And now the trash can has little feet. Ha!

Nice.

TINA: I love it.

LOUISE: Mm-hmm.

Shoes on a trash can?

That’s fun.

It is, isn’t it?

It really is.

Can I get that pen back?

‘Cause, you know, third favorite.

Hey, guys. How was your walk home?

Great. You know that trash can on Harbor Road that people decorate sometimes?

I made little paper cup shoes for it.

And there was a guy who liked it.

He was like, “Ha.”

I know that trash can.

One time someone taped big paper teeth on it.

Made it kind of difficult to put trash in, but it made me laugh, and a little scared.

I mean, getting the trash in is kind of important.

It’s like the trash can’s only job.

Dad, this is why you’re single.

I-I’m not single.

Ooh, I should set you up with my roommate Linda.

BOB: Lot of comments on the cucumber guy.

I mean, they’re from me, but…

You’re reading your own comments?

Yeah, they’re really good. I worked hard on them.

Hey, look at this, there’s a post about the trash can can you decorated.

What? It’s in the news?

Uh, i-it’s not the news.

“Great shoes, trash can.”

And somebody put a happy face emoji.

Aw. And this person wrote, “Does anyone have any free moving boxes?” What the hell’s that?

Yeah, people on here are always looking for free moving boxes.

It’s, like, 80% of the posts.

Well, how about that?

My little trash can shoes making people a little happier.

That’ll make me sleep easy tonight…

(snoring)

Yeah, yep. Good night.

(phone ringing)

Bob’s Burgers.

Linda, it’s Teddy.

Listen, I’m at the trash can to see the shoes you put on it.

They’re not there, unless I’m in the wrong place.

Oh, geez, am I even in the right town?

Aw. Well, maybe I’ll go there later and put some more on it, right?

Keep the party going?

Yeah! Trash can party.

Hello, ma’am.

♪ Shoes, shoes, shoes ♪

♪ Trash can shoes. ♪

Do you think Mom would want a lightly-stained dish cloth for Mother’s Day? Wait, dang it.

I got her that a couple of years ago, never mind.

Hey, Teddy.

Gone again.

I drive by the trash can, hoping for a little joy and cheer, and nothing, nothing.

Seriously? Well, you know what?

I’m gonna go put them back on right now, ’cause those shoes are fun.

I’ll come, too.

I’m coming, too.

Like I’m not gonna go on a trash-venture?

I’ll stay here and wipe menus. Just kidding. Wait up.

Sorry, Dad. We’re cool, right?

Yeah, we’re cool.

I get it.

Oh, good.

This is gonna be a great pair of shoes, aren’t you?

Look, someone put up a sign.

LINDA: “Vandalism is Prohibited.”

What I did isn’t vandalism.

It’s not not vandalism, and that’s what I love about it.

What kind of crumb bum would do this?

Look, someone shredded your shoes.

Or they’re distressed in a cool way?

Why would they do that? Why… What… Who would do that?

What kind of monster?

All right, Mr. Sign, let’s see how you like it.

A-rip, a-rip, a-rip.

And now these brand-new shoes are going on.

Ha, ha! Look at those shoes.

Just like I pictured them.

I’m gonna be riding this high for a while.

LINDA: You know, I just don’t understand.

Who’d get mad at my shoes?

Putting stuff on that trash can is just, like, a fun, dumb tradition that makes people a little happier.

Like childbirth.

Mom, this is great.

We vandalize… I… (blows raspberry)

I mean, put stuff on the trash can, they take it down, we put it up again.

This could be our career. Wait, do we even need the restaurant?

Louise.

You know, you’re right.

They’re just gonna do it again. We got to find out who did this.

If I go right now, kind of stake it out, I might catch them in the act. Red-handled.

Wait. You’re gonna stake out the trash can?

Yeah. Keep up, Dad.

I’ll stay if you want.

No? You don’t need me? Great.

Stop leaving the restaurant.

(door opens)

You are obsessed with this place.

It’ll be super quick, Bob.

In bed by 9:00, lights out by 9:30.

No, we’re not staking out the trash can.

We’re just window-shopping for vacuums.

Ooh, that’s a nice one.

TINA: Look at those attachments. (whistles)

Kids, no, no, just pretend.

Okay, I’m just gonna casually look over my shoulder.

Nobody’s there, nobody’s there.

Mom, when we catch this person, what’d you bring as far as subduing them?

Some kind of fishing net, or what are we doing?

I didn’t bring anything.

Okay. I brought salt from the restaurant.

We throw it in their eyes and then we sit on them.

Hey, can I have some of that salt? I brought fries.

No, no salt. When we catch them, we’re gonna give them a good talking-to.

With our fists and chest kicks.

(shushing): Someone’s coming.

He’s going towards it. Get ready.

Stand down. Hold your salt.

Just tossing trash. Just a tosser.

A litter quitter.

LOUISE: Look at that cordless one.

Ooh, la, la. Mom, it’s on sale. You love sales.

We’re not getting a vac… Ooh, that is nice.

Oh, a car’s pulling up. That could be them.

Attack the car.

No. Not attack the car.

Ugh, delivery truck. Now I can’t see.

Come on, let’s go around it. Go, go, go.

But look both ways, but go.

(gasps) It’s the shoe swiper.

Hey, you! Stop!

Step away from the trash can.

(shouts) What the…?

(gasps) Cynthia?

Hello, Linda. Just yelling at people on the street like a normal person?

Mom, salt.

Season her.

Cynthia, you’re the one taking down our trash can shoes?

I sure am. You’re the one playing with trash?

What’s your problem, Cynthia?

What do you have against delightful trash shoes?

I’m the leasing agent for this valuable and attractive commercial property, and I’m trying to bring in a serious business.

Do you know who’s interested in this space? Pretzel Kingdom.

(gasps)

Oh, my.

Whoa.

Pretzel Kingdom? The soft pretzel chain?

Yes. We’d finally be getting a chain in this neighborhood, and I don’t want to scare them off with that foolishness.

We’d be a Pretzel Kingdom town?

Gene.

Linda, you should want to bring in desirable businesses, because it’d be good for your business.

Hey, my business is none of your business.

Question: is this the full Pretzel Kingdom or a Pretzel Kingdom Express?

Gene.

Full.

Good lord.

Tina, shush.

Listen, nothing’s gonna stop me from decorating this trash can to make it look like a little person. Nothing.

But it’s vandalism. It’s defacing public property.

No, it’s add-facing public property.

‘Cause I might add a face if I feel like it.

Mm, let’s call it vandalism.

Louise, shushies.

Well, whatever face you put up, I’m gonna take right down.

Well, then, I’m gonna put it right back up again.

I will never stop putting fun things on this trash can until the day I die.

Of tetanus, probably, from touching all that trash.

Leave it alone. This will be a Pretzel Kingdom.

I just got chills. Sorry.

Me, too. Sorry.

(grunts)

BOB: And then someone else commented that the cucumber was ripe, but it clearly had more ripening to do, and I almost commented that, but then I didn’t.

Sheesh.

You tell me my stories are long.

How’s it going here?

This pirate hat is really coming together.

With staples.

I love it.

And I’m almost done coloring the pirate’s parrot.

I went with purple, ’cause that’s what we had.

Ooh, this is gonna be one fun garbage can.

(laughs)

Ha. Pirates.

Good work, kids. Take that, you buzzkills.

We’re gonna beat you.

And this sword I made is definitely not a wiener.

(whispers): It’s a wiener.

Oh, that’s beautiful.

Look what we can do as a family.

I’ll be taking those.

What?

Hey.

Logan!

My mom paid me ten bucks. See ya!

Now she’s got people working for her?

(growls) This is war.

♪ This is war ♪

♪ On the trash, not in the trash ♪

♪ This is war ♪

♪ On the trash, not in the trash ♪

♪ This is war ♪

♪ On the trash, not in the trash ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

LINDA: “Hats off to whoever put that baseball hat “on the trash can.

Made my day.”

Take that, Cynthia, you jerk.

She did take that. I mean, Logan took that.

Oh, my God, cucumber guy just posted.

Here, gimme, gi… gimme, gimme.

Whoa. Geez.

Do not get between Bob and his cuce.

Look at that. R-Really puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?

I got to admit, when I close my eyes and picture the perfect cucumber, it looks like that.

Call me when it’s a pickle.

Lot of comments.

They’re all about people looking for free moving boxes.

Is that code for drugs?

I don’t think it is.

Ooh, scuba diver.

Huh?

What?

Scuba diver. For the trash can.

Love it. On it.

Cynthia didn’t count on me having an unlimited number of trash can ideas.

You do?

No, I’m running out.

That took me 20 minutes to think of.

Look at these flippers.

Look at this mask. You guys are geniuses.

Don’t listen to them at that school.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

And then I said, “I’m running for reelection, not jogging.

(gasps)

And you’re fired.”

(whispers): Crap. Hide.

(laughter)

Well, Cynthia, the space looks gorgeous.

Right? The Pretzel Kingdom people would be morons not to sign the lease.

I cannot wait for us to finally be a Pretzel Kingdom town.

We deserve it.

Great job, Mrs. Bush.

Thanks, Mr. Bush.

Dr. Mr. Bush.

Right, well, it helps to know the entire city council is as jazzed as I am.

What? Those are the city council people?

And as far as voting on that anti-trash can “decorating” resolution that my city councilperson husband proposed…

Dr. Mr. City Councilperson.

Franklin, we have your vote?

Yes, you do.

And mine.

And hubby’s. Your little Tom Tom.

BOTH: Ah, ha, ha.

Anyway, see everybody at the meeting Friday.

And you’ll see me tonight ’cause it’s you-know-what night.

Tom, please.

What? It’s Scrabble night.

What the hell? Cynthia’s getting an anti-trash can decorating thing passed?

Damn, she’s good at this.

Really good.

Do you think they’d let us come to Scrabble night if we asked nicely?

Wait, is that the thing with the letters?

Never mind. I’m thinking of “scramble.”

Ugh! I can’t believe Cynthia’s gonna get the city council to vote on an anti-trash can decorating resolution.

I didn’t even know our city had a council.

Yeah, I felt like I was on West Wing.

Should I, I don’t know, do something? Talk to people?

See if they would go to the meeting?

I mean, people love being asked to go to meetings.

Yeah. They’re fun, right?

Okay, so I’ll go make some flyers and hit the streets.

A flyer about a meeting? Delightful.

Uh-huh. ♪ Flyers. ♪

Gene, Tina, can you help me fold some socks in my room?

Okay, but I’m not a folder.

I’m more of a baller.

Yeah, you are.

All right, after we do your socks, you guys want to come into my room and help me sort my shorts?

No.

Listen, what would be the best Mother’s Day gift ever?

If you actually did fold your own socks?

Forget about the socks.

Well, now all I can think about is the socks.

Guys, Mom’s plan is not gonna work.

But what if we surprise her with a city council victory?

What if we do a little city council recon?

We figure out where they can be found, and we pay ’em a little visit and convince them to vote Mom’s way.

Bing, bang, boom, Mother’s Day present.

And if we succeed, it’s a kid’s day present for us kids because we get to keep doing vandalism that’s somehow parent-approved, so it’s a win-win.

Sounds “winderful.”

Gene’s in.

Tina?

Well, we do need a Mother’s Day present ’cause we got nothing, and I’ve been off my game in the homemade card department.

I know you guys have felt it.

No…

Hi. Do you care about things?

Okay, you’re not slowing down.

Sir, how do you feel about fun trash?

Hi. Do you like to smile?

Would you be willing to go to a city council meeting Friday at 5:00 to speak up against a resolu…

Oh, you’re walking away. Okay.

LOUISE: All right, let’s find city council big shot and tennis lover Heather Rockway.

Or as I call her, Tennis the Menace.

(Heather laughs)

Okay.

That’s definitely Heather right behind me. Tina, go.

(clears throat) Well, uh, it’s hard to argue with the results of this new research from our child think tank that’s totally respected in the child think tank community.

And the child tank top community.

Yeah.

Who knew the number one way to increase soft pretzel sales was to have a fun and festive trash can nearby?

It’s a damn good thing our town has some decorative trash cans.

Excuse me, ma’am, have you heard about this?

About the cutting-edge trash can-pretzel synergy research?

Are you kids even members here?

How did that not work?

I mean, the numbers were there. You can’t argue with the data.

It’s pronounced “dah-ta.”

First it’s just a prickly little thing, and then it’s a vegetable.

In the guy’s basement.

He-he wanted to grow food, and he didn’t have a yard, and he grew it anyway.

It’s like anything is possible.

I’m sorry I didn’t see what you saw.

Yeah. So, that’s all his old posts.

But the weird thing is he stopped posting a few days ago.

No! I need to know what happens. What do we do till then?

We just try and live, Teddy.

We just try and live.

Well, well, well.

Honorable City Councilman Franklin Wilmington.

Illegally feeding pigeons in the park. Tsk, tsk.

It’s not illegal. Is it?

Let me pass the bar real quick, and I’ll get back to you.

Nobody has to know about this.

It can stay between us and the pigeons.

If you play ball on the trash can vote.

All right. Shoo! Now look what you’ve done.

They were finally starting to trust me.

(Bob sighs)

Still no posts.

Ah, what do I do? What do I do?

Maybe I should decorate a trash can to look like Cynthia. That would show her.

I mean, probably not?

Uh, you don’t want to use your trash can powers for evil, do you?

Yeah, maybe you’re right.

(mumbles)

(snoring)

That’s so impressive.

I’ll just check real quick.

Damn it.

LOUISE: Look, we just really have no good ideas for Mother’s Day gifts, so if you could just do us a solid…

You know Cynthia’s my wife, right?

Come on, Tom Tom.

Isn’t it healthy for couples to disagree sometimes?

Keeps things spicy.

No. It’s way better that we’re on the same page.

One time, I briefly considered getting a tattoo of my favorite band, 311, and it was unpleasant at home.

So, yeah, I’m gonna vote the way Cynthia wants me to.

It’s better for my life that way.

Ugh!

Uh, I don’t want you guys to leave empty-handed.

Anyone want any pens from pharmaceutical companies?

Hello, favorite pen number four.

Oh, cucumber. Where are you?

♪ My heart has been coasting ♪

♪ Since the last posting ♪

♪ Don’t know if you’re growing ♪

♪ There’s no way of knowing ♪

♪ Did you become salad? ♪

♪ This is my ballad ♪

♪ I need to see you again ♪

♪ When will I see you again? ♪

LOUISE: Dad?

Dad?

Huh?

Were you even listening to us?

Yeah.

Uh, go on.

I was saying the stupid city council meeting’s in, like, ten minutes, and we’ve got nothing for Mother’s Day.

So, I guess you make a card?

Damn it, Dad! You know my game is off.

Whoa.

How’s your super cool cucumber, Father?

I don’t know. He’s not posting.

(chuckles): I-I’m fine.

I-I’m… I’m totally fine.

Maybe you could get into posts about moving boxes.

Seemed like there were plenty of those.

Moving boxes.

Moving boxes!

Really? I-I feel like I’d be forcing it.

I need to see your laptop. And we need to get to that meeting. Wait, where’s Mom?

She’s upstairs having a fudge break.

Is that bathroom talk?

I couldn’t tell.

I just said, “Fudge as long as you need to.”

Stupid Cynthia.

Mmm. Man, that’s good fudge.

(sighs, blows raspberry)

Mom, make it a to-go fudge.

We’ve got a vote to win.

I’ll carry the fudge.

So, it’s official. The temporary yield sign will become a permanent yield sign.

For now.

(door opens)

I don’t understand. How is this a good surprise?

Mom, just sit.

CYNTHIA: Hmm.

Tennis club kids?

They disrupted my pigeon time.

Hello, Linda.

Meh.

Good one, Mom.

Why don’t we turn our attention to the issue of the day: the trash can resolution.

Cynthia, would you like to say a few words?

Do I need to? (chuckles)

Mom, you should say something.

Eh, I don’t want to.

(clears throat) My mom would like to say a few words, if it pleases the court.

This isn’t a court, but sure.

Aw, what’s the point?

Because we got to beat the buzzkills.

Yeah.

Come on, Mom.

All right, fine.

Um, is there a microphone somewhere or…? What do I do?

You can just stay where you are and use your mouth for talking.

Okay, look, I know you don’t think much of the trash can decoration.

And… and yeah, at first, I thought it was just dumb fun.

But you know what? We need dumb fun.

Especially if things are crappy.

And if one dumb thing that’s not hurting anybody can put a smile on one person’s face, then it’s worth it, I think.

And who wants a fancy chain restaurant on that corner, anyway?

Me!

Sorry. Sorry. I don’t.

Thank you.

I yield the rest of my time.

There’s no time… Never mind.

That was great.

Nice.

Good job, Mom.

Way to go.

CYNTHIA: Thank you, Linda. That was totally unnecessary.

Can we vote now?

Yes, we can. On the matter of the trash can decorating resolution…

(door opens)

Oh.

Hello. Welcome. Oh.

(door closes)

Hi there. This cou…

(door opens)

Wow. This is a record crowd.

Look, they’re coming. It’s working.

Okay. Um, back to the voting.

But before you do…

Oh, come on.

…let’s look at all these people, huh?

They’re here ’cause they love the trash can thing.

I was told there would be free moving boxes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don’t you love that trash can?

The one on Harbor Road? That gets decorated sometimes?

I mean, sure. I guess.

She loves the can!

And I’m assuming all these people vote.

Tell me you all vote.

Uh, all the time.

I love to vote.

It’s been a while, to be honest.

Okay, okay.

And you city council members, you all get voted in?

Or is this a monarch system?

Hey, wait. According to the signs around town, an election is coming up pretty soon, eh?

Yes. We’re all up for reelection next month.

Vote Rockway!

Uh-huh. And is there a big turnout for a city council election?

(chuckles): Oh, God, no. I think each of us won by a couple votes?

So you’d probably want to listen to this crowd of several trash can decorating-loving voters, then.

Right, huge crowd of voters?

I mean, yeah, sure.

That trash can is fun. So are moving boxes.

Are we gonna be getting those now or…

Shush, shush, shush.

You kids are so smart.

So, before you vote to never have any decorations on any trash cans ever, maybe ask yourselves this: do you want to stay in office or not?

Ha! Nice try.

Can we get back to the voting on this thing?

Yes. Heather?

I… uh… always like to keep my constituents happy.

So I-I’m on Team Fun Trash Can.

I vote against the resolution.

Ah? Ah?

What?!

Franklin, how are you voting?

I vote for the resolution against the fun trash can.

I don’t really like fun.

One yes, one no. Tom?

Bring it home, honey. Bring it home.

Uh…

Tom?

I mean, fun trash cans are fun.

What?!

Uh, I’m all mixed-up.

I don’t know what to do.

But I’ve got to trust my instincts and let go of regret.

I vote against the resolution, with the fun trash can.

And I’m getting that 311 tattoo!

No! You killed our Pretzel Kingdom!

I’m sorry! I love you.

The resolution fails.

And I retroactively vote with the winners.

Reelect Franklin Wilmington.

Oh, my God, what? We won. We won!

Ugh! Come on, Tom, let’s go.

To the tattoo parlor?

I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll talk about it.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. This is the best gift.

We nailed it.

(Linda groaning)

(grunts) Congratulations, Lin.

I love my fun, trashy family.

This gift is also your card, by the way.

So, is whoever posted that message gonna give us free moving boxes or…?

Dad, we probably have some boxes at the restaurant, right?

Uh, I mean, they might have some tomatoes in them, but sure.

I’ll take whatever you got, man.

(gasps) Oh, my God. Are you the cucumber guy?

(chuckles) Yes, I guess that’s me.

I-I can’t believe I’m meeting you. Uh, y-you haven’t been posting. Is everything okay?

Oh, I’ve been busy ’cause we’re moving, but the cucumber’s still going strong.

Geez. I hope you post a few more pictures.

Well, you can come by and see it if you want.

Really? Oh, wow. Uh, can I bring someone?

Sure.

Teddy? You’re not gonna believe this.

You’re going to the cucumber guy’s basement.

TEDDY: What? What?!

♪ My trash can is a funky can ♪

♪ A can do can ♪

♪ My trash can is a funky can ♪

♪ Dumb things ♪

♪ Dumb little things ♪

♪ Can be fun things ♪

♪ Fun little things ♪

♪ Dumb things ♪

♪ Dumb little things ♪

♪ Can be fun things ♪

♪ Fun little things ♪

♪ Dumb fun, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ My trash can is a funky can ♪

♪ A can do can ♪

♪ My trash can is a funky can ♪

♪ Dumb things ♪

♪ Dumb little things ♪

♪ Can be fun things ♪

♪ Fun little… ♪

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