Original air date: April 18, 2021
Bob is involved in a very minor multiple-vehicle fender bender, and nobody sure who is to blame. Each driver could be at fault. Teddy warns that alliances will be formed among the participants and stories agreed upon, and is proved right as the crisis unfolds.
* * *
The green ones taste like apple-flavored paint, the purple ones taste like grape-flavored hair spray.
I love discount candy. Mmm.
Gene, we’re supposed to share the candy, remember?
You’re kind of eating it a little fast there, buddy.
Yeah, but you’re not eating it at all, like a sociopath.
Because I’m saving mine for later.
Wait, where’d my stash go?
I’m just storing it for you in my face.
Ugh! Give me the bag.
Hey, I told you kids you could have that bag of cheap candy as long as you shared it like civilized people.
It’s Gene’s fault. He started double-fisting it.
But I only did that because I saw Tina hoarding it.
It’s hard to hoard when Louise keeps stealing from me.
I mean, Lin, you did give three kids a giant bag of candy and said, “Go nuts.”
Yeah, go nuts, but don’t start fighting like a bunch of Hunger Games. Gimme.
You can have this back when you stop being Sour Patch poops.
Good job, Tina. Now we have nothing to live for.
Kids, come on, I-I know sugar makes you all insane, but maybe try not to act like jerks toward each other?
What, Dad? I wasn’t listening.
Yeah, me, neither.
I couldn’t hear you over the sugar in my body.
I want candy.
Okay, forget it.
Will one of you kids take the basket out of the deep fryer?
I made some fries ’cause I know Teddy will be here soon and you know how he gets when he has to wait for fries.
On it. ♪ Fries are done, I’m a great son ♪
♪ Fries are done, I’m a great son. ♪
Gene, you know you don’t have to sing along with every sound in the world, right?
I wish I didn’t, Father.
Uh, do I smell fries?
They’re coming. Soon, or, uh…
Okay, I’m gonna go park the car real quick.
Can I come with you?
You kids realize I’m just driving around the corner, right?
We don’t have a lot going on today.
Yeah, that candy was kind of my whole schedule.
Well, you could help me fill up these napkin holders.
Mom, are you paying attention? Dad needs us to help him park.
Hey, Andy. Hey, Ollie.
We’re playing outside today.
That’s a cantaloupe. Fruit can be heads.
And vice versa.
Okay. All right, Dad. Where are we really going?
I told you, we’re just going to park the car around the block. Oh!
Is-is everyone okay?
I’m great. Again!
Uh, it’s just a little fender bender.
We-we just got hit from behind.
Also, you hit someone in front of you, I think?
LOUISE: And they hit someone in front of them.
Okay, so, uh, it’s, uh, a few fender benders.
AKA a friender blender.
My babies! My babies!
Are you hurt? I knew I should have never let you get in cars.
JIMMY: Hey, Bob!
I always knew you were a train wreck, but this?
Good one, Jimmy. That was a funny comment to make.
Trev, I told you, don’t say,
“That was a funny comment to make.”
But it was.
So just laugh.
I don’t like my laugh.
Oh, my gosh. What the heck just happened?
Uh, you rear-ended us.
I got to call you back. I just got into an accident.
No, no, baby’s fine.
Oh, God, there’s a baby in there?
You’re okay, baby. You’re just scared, that’s all.
Well, that was a real bumper bummer. (chuckles)
If you’re wondering about my face, I’m a clown.
That was gonna be my third guess.
So, we should probably all exchange info, right?
(belches) Sorry. When I get stressed, I burp. I just… (belches) I feel terrible.
Look, I-I’m sorry this happened, but you know, um, people make mistakes.
I mean, if you need to sit down, get a glass of water, this is actually our restaurant right here.
I… uh, I’m Bob, by the way.
And I’m his wife, Linda. Hi.
Also we live here. Not in the restaurant.
Upstairs. In our mansion.
Seriously, though, you’re all welcome to…
And I’m Teddy. Bob’s best friend.
This is going great. (laughs)
Bob, can I speak to you real quick?
If I were you, I wouldn’t be too chummy with these other drivers.
I’m not being chummy. I’m just being friendly.
Look, I think you should just call the police and make sure you cover your butt.
I mean, I really don’t think we need to call the police, Teddy.
This seems pretty cut-and-dry.
Bob, if there’s one thing I know about accidents, it’s that they are never cut-and-dry.
Trust me. I’ve been in 17 collisions.
Yes. Hit by 21 cars in five states, not including Guam.
That’s a lot.
And what I’ve learned is these accidents…
They bring out the absolute worst in people.
Wait. When were you in Guam?
When I was in the Navy.
Plus, I got a friend there named Tom.
I never told you about Guam Tom?
So, Patti, I-I don’t want to be that guy, but since you were the driver in the back,
h-how did you want to handle this, i-insurance-wise?
Wait, you think this is my fault?
Um, I mean, uh, who else’s fault would it be?
I don’t know. Maybe him?
Right. That’s Teddy.
He wasn’t even in a car.
But I get that a lot.
Well, whoever was driving, besides me, ’cause it wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t my fault.
It sure wasn’t mine.
I don’t think it was mine, either.
Oh, my God. Was it my fault?
Tina, sweetie, no.
I mean, why were people stopped in the middle of the road?
Roads are for driving.
And life is a highway.
Maybe Elaine here was clowning around and slammed on her brakes for no reason.
Actually, the reason I stopped was because a ball bounced into the road.
Maybe Graham didn’t notice because he was on his phone?
What? Uh, no. What about this guy Bob?
He could be at fault.
Maybe he was jamming out to his music or something?
What? I-I wasn’t jamming out.
Then why’d you apologize earlier?
Uh, yeah, you did.
The part where you said, “I’m sorry this happened.”
You did say that.
I heard it, too.
I think you did, Bob.
To be fair, our dad has resting apology face.
And his body is all like, “my bad.”
Okay, fine. Maybe I did say sorry.
But, um, uh, Patti said she felt terrible, remember?
I do feel terrible. My wiener dog broke.
He lives on my dashboard and he keeps me company in traffic.
I’m telling you, Bob, just call the cops.
You know what, everyone?
Maybe we should just call the police and let them figure this out.
Fine by me.
Just as long as we’re done by 4:00.
I’m clowning at a bris pre-party.
(sighs) I guess this is not gonna be so simple.
That’s what I say every time I approach a toilet seat.
Remember, in life there are no accidents!
Okay, so the police are on their way.
I still can’t believe that Patti person won’t admit it was her fault. It’s so obvious.
Yeah, she sure went from sorry to sassy in no time.
I told you, accidents have a way of bringing out the worst in people.
Their fenders aren’t the only things that bender.
You mean their ding-dongs?
No, I mean they’ll do anything to get out of trouble. You’ll see.
Stories change, alliances form.
This shouldn’t be complicated, right?
The driver in the back is always at fault.
Well, almost always.
There are two exceptions where the driver in front is responsible.
One, if they slam on their brakes for no reason.
I was barely even moving.
That’s your thing.
if they swerve into traffic recklessly.
I didn’t do that, either.
All I did was pull away from the curb.
Well, it sounds like you’re in the clear then, Bob.
As long as you signaled when you pulled away from the curb.
You did, right?
Yeah. I mean, I always signal when I leave a curb, because I’m a safe driver.
Mm. I’m hearing some doubt, Bob. Do you have some doubt?
No. I believe I signaled.
Oh, yeah, I’m hearing it, too.
Could be doubt, could be gas.
Someone push on his stomach.
Bob, you believe you signaled or you did?
Those are two different things, legally speaking.
Look, Teddy, the fact is it’s Patti’s job to not hit the car in front her.
All I’m saying is in my experience, you only have a few minutes till the police get here.
So you need to make the words coming out of your mouth good ones, not bad ones like they just were.
I’m just trying to help you cover your butt.
That’s the brand of pants he wears.
“Help You Cover Your Butt.”
People can say whatever they want.
Otherwise it’s just he-said-she-shed.
It’s one of those.
What about Jimmy Pesto?
He came out on the street after the crash.
Mostly to make fun of you, but maybe he could tell you who caused the accident.
No. I am not talking to Jimmy.
It might be worth it, Bob.
What if his handsome eyes saw something?
You think so, too?
(groans) Okay, I-I’ll be right back.
I like going places.
Hi, Andy. Hi, Ollie.
Who’s your friend?
We’re making a scarecrow.
We’ll finally be able to grow corn.
Aw, I love it.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t Driving Mr. Oopsy.
(laughs) See? I laughed.
Yeah, that was good.
Uh, look, Jimmy, we were wondering if you saw what happened with the accident.
Yeah, I’m always looking across the street, because I’m obsessed with you, Bob.
Actually, you do look over there a lot, Jimmy.
Trev, just… (stammers) shush.
No, Bob, I didn’t see the accident.
I was too busy serving customers.
Ever heard of them? (laughs)
Oh, go choke-y on a gnocchi, Jimmy.
Thank you for not helping in any way at all.
Sure thing, Bob. All the best.
Nyah, nyah, la, la…
Now I’m craving gnocchis.
LOUISE: Boy, I sure wish I was eating a giant bag of candy right now, but I can’t, ’cause you two ruined it with your hoarding and snorting.
Louise, you were stealing. You’re the one who ruined it.
I snorted one.
Bob, hey, just the guy I was looking for.
Uh, do you mind if we step inside?
Uh, sure. Uh, come on in.
Can we get you burger? A little fender-bender burger?
No, I’m good.
Something to drink? Little fender-bender drink?
Someone get the nice man something to drink.
Can I start you off with a glass of fresh-squeezed water?
Are you an ice man?
Actually Bob, I was hoping to maybe talk with you in private?
Don’t mind me. I’m just Bob’s best friend, as we discussed.
Graham, y-you can just go ahead and say whatever you need to say. It’s fine.
Okay. Well, here goes.
I wanted to see if maybe you would be interested in making an arrangement?
(coughs): Told you, Bob.
What kind of an arrangement?
Like an alliance?
It’s just your standard arrangement where we forge an understanding between us
to nail down a story.
Nail down a story.
Yeah. Here’s what I’m thinking.
You know how Patti was super into that weird little plastic wiener dog on her dashboard?
Probably pretty distracting, right?
Well, maybe we should both bring that up.
I-I feel like we should probably just tell the police what happened.
And then, that’s all.
No, no, I know. But here’s the thing, Bob.
Patti’s gonna have a story about us, so we should have a story about her.
And if you and I both have the same story, then it really seals the deal.
We’re same-story bros, right?
All you have to say is, “Officer, the woman who hit me was distracted. Big time, 100%, no doubt about it.”
I-I’m not gonna say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right.
We probably don’t even need to have the same story.
(laughs): I don’t know why I brought that up.
Ooh, water. Yum, yum, yum.
Hey, I got to go. Nice chatting with you, Bob. See you later.
Ugh. Do you believe that guy?
I know. He had a watch and everything.
You maybe should’ve taken the deal, Bob.
Also, he smelled nice.
What? W-What’s happening?
Oh, looks like Graham over there is talking to Patti now.
They do seem to be huddling.
Huddling’s not good, Bob.
Maybe they’re just cold?
All right, I-I’m gonna go talk with them, also.
Hey, there, Bob.
I-I was just wondering what you two were talking about.
Oh, we were just talking about the clouds.
Yeah, clouds. Don’t you love them?
They’re so fluffy. Isn’t that right, Patti?
Oh, yeah. Uh, big time.
100%. No doubt about it. (belches)
Wait, why did you just say that?
What do you mean?
Graham just said those exact words to me.
Uh, I big time did not.
So you two were making an alliance.
You were alliancing.
Bob, the cops are here.
Yep. Yep, they are.
What’s wrong, Dad?
I think I just didn’t cover my butt.
LOUISE: And now it’s flappin’ all over the place.
Afternoon. I’m Officer Bridget.
Glad to see everyone’s okay. Here’s how this is gonna work.
I’ll speak with each driver individually to get your accounts of what happened, then I’ll write my report, and based on that your insurance companies will determine liability and all that fun stuff.
Let’s make this quick since I know everyone’s busy.
Some of us are even trying to rent out a guest house.
Newly renovated. Eh, something to think about.
Okay, who wants to start?
Me, me. I’ll go.
Great. You a homeowner? Could you see yourself living real close to a highway?
Uh-oh, Bob, you think they’re gonna throw you under the bus?
The car accident bus?
(quietly): Psst, Bob, if I were you, I’d go talk to the clown lady.
She could be your last chance to form an alliance of your own and protect yourself.
Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.
Whoa, whoa, I’m coming with you.
You crazy? Free clown.
I could use a little clown.
Hi, Elaine, I was wondering if we could, uh, maybe chat for a second.
Also, my kids are right here.
Who wants one of these?
Yay! Is it a hat?
It’s a hat and it’s a swan.
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Ow! I’m okay.
So, uh, yeah.
I just wanted to chat about how you and I, uh, could maybe, um, you know, help each other out with all this car stuff.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Oh… oh… oh…
Huh. That’s, uh…
That-That’s so good. That’s funny. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to, um… oh, God…
F-form an alliance.
Hmm, let me think about that.
(bicycle horn honks)
Oh, there’s my horn!
Keep it coming.
Elaine, I get the feeling you’re not taking this accident very seriously.
Oh, sorry. It’s-it’s hard to turn it off.
I just get such a kick out of seeing people light up when I do stuff like this.
Woop! Meerp. Woop! Meerp.
So much range.
Life can be tough. People can use a few extra smiles, huh?
I’ll take that. “Clown Eyed Girl.
Mobile door-to-door clowning service.”
This clown gets around.
Anyway, what were you asking me about, Bob?
Something about an alliance?
You know what, don’t-don’t… don’t worry about it. Just forget it.
Well, there is one thing I would love to discuss with you.
What happened to your nose?!
Phew. (chuckles) Good one.
So, how’d it go with Elaine?
It was… I mean…
She’s our new godmother.
Sir? You’re up.
Okay. I-I’m coming.
This is it, Bob. You’re gonna do great.
You can cry on cue, right?
So, yeah, I had just started the car, and I was turning into traffic…
You and your family were eating at this diner?
Um, it’s not a diner.
I mean, nothing against diners, but this is a burger place.
Uh, also, we own it.
Continue with your story, please.
So, uh, yeah, like I said, I was, um, uh, turning into traffic when…
And did you use your turn signal when you entered the lane?
I-I believe so.
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t say that.
I mean, I, um, uh, not believe… I…
(chuckles) Yeah, I-I definitely did. Yes.
(quietly): Okay, Teddy, okay.
Is that man punching the air?
Yes. He’s, uh, he-he’s one of our customers.
Do you know if he rents or owns?
Uh, I think he owns.
Um, so it’s the car in the back’s fault, right?
I got what I need. Good luck with your diner.
It’s not a… Uh, uh, thank you.
(groans) Now she’s talking to Patti.
Wh-What is she saying?
Why can’t people own up to their mistakes?
I-It doesn’t seem that hard.
Ah, I’d love to live in that world, too.
Poor, sweet, dumb Bob.
Ooh, is that more fries?
Hold your horses. Coming right up.
(to beeping rhythm): ♪ Fries are done, I’m a great son ♪
♪ Fries are done, I’m a great son. ♪
(gasps) Wait, Dad. I just realized something about the accident.
I don’t think you used your turn signal.
What? How do you know that?
You know how Gene has a song for every sound in our lives?
Well, he has a song for your turn signal, too.
Yep. It goes: ♪ Fart left, it’s a stinker ♪
♪ Fart right, use your blinker! ♪
Okay, okay, yes, Gene, we all know the song.
Well, I don’t remember him singing it in the car today.
I don’t remember that, either.
Neither do I.
Okay, fine, maybe I didn’t signal.
But tha-that doesn’t mean I entered the lane dangerously.
Bup-bup-bup. Father, you just said people should own up to their mistakes.
And then you said it doesn’t seem that hard.
And also you’ve been saying it all day, and it’s, like, cool catchphrase, give it a rest!
(sighs) All right, I’ll go talk to Officer Bridget.
Officer Bridget, hi.
I-I just wanted to change the words I said, uh, in your report.
I don’t really have time right now, Bob.
I have to go deal with a highway robbery.
And by “highway robbery,” I’m referring to the guy who’s painting my guesthouse… He’s charging me a fortune.
Anyway, it’s too late to change the report. I’m all done.
W-Wait, what do you mean you’re all done?
Patti told me what happened. Graham backed it up.
Car one… that’s Elaine… Slammed on her brakes for no apparent reason, which caused the accident.
So your report just says this is Elaine’s fault, and she’s gonna have to pay for this?
Well, her insurance will. Some people shouldn’t drive.
No, no, no, no, she-she can’t not drive.
She’s a traveling clown.
Can’t she just carpool with 20 or 30 other clowns?
(chuckles) Sorry. Someone had to say it.
What’d the policewoman say?
She said Patti and Graham both blamed it on Elaine.
So I guess the report’s gonna say it was her fault.
Oh, no. Poor Elaine.
She was the best of all of us.
I guess heaven needed a clown.
She’s not dead, kids. She just got screwed over.
You did what you could, Bob.
You owned up to your mistakes.
Actually, I never told the cop about me not using my turn signal.
Wait. You didn’t?
I started to, but, uh, it just didn’t quite get all the way out of my mouth.
Oh, boy. Sounds like you kinda threw that clown under the bus, Bob, and now she’s gonna have to take the bus.
Bad news for Elaine. Good news for that bus driver.
She’s gonna find so many quarters behind his ear!
I can’t believe you never told the policewoman you didn’t use your turn signal, Dad.
In other words, we should take responsibility for acting like jerks when it comes to cheap bags of candy, but you can just say whatever you want in an official police report.
(sighs) I know, Louise. I screwed up.
I-I need to go make this right.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Whoa, whoa, hey! We don’t want another accident in front of your diner, Bob.
Officer Bridget, please. J-Just hear me out.
I came here before to tell you that I didn’t actually put on my signal.
I-I remembered that after we spoke.
But the point is, at least some of the blame for this accident should be on me.
Okay, great. I’ll definitely make a note of that.
Now, please move out of the way.
Look, I-I just think maybe, in a perfect world, this was all of our faults.
PATTI: Hey, Bob.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, what’s going on, Bob?
I was just telling Officer Bridget here that I didn’t use my turn signal,
so it’s only fair that I share some of the blame.
Wow, that’s kind of inspiring, Bob.
The truth is, I was distracted by my wiener dog.
So I guess I was also partially responsible.
I was on my phone, too, so, yes, I was probably very distracted.
♪ I was distracted ♪
♪ By my wiener dog ♪
♪ So it’s almost my fault, I think ♪
♪ And I was on my cell phone ♪
♪ Didn’t see what was going on ♪
♪ So I can’t say my poop don’t stink ♪
♪ Because taking responsibility ♪
♪ For your actions ♪
♪ Whoa, is the real path ♪
♪ To satisfaction ♪
♪ The only thing that works in life ♪
♪ Is not being a jerk in life ♪
♪ Taking responsibility is the best way to be ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And for me. ♪
BRIDGET: You okay, Bob? Lost you there for a second.
Oh. Right. Everyone’s gone.
Um, sorry. So, I-I don’t know why Elaine stopped, but I-I just don’t think this was all her fault.
Well, she said she saw a ball bounce into the street, but no one else saw it, so I just assumed she was covering her butt.
And then she sat on a horn and it honked.
Which was pretty funny.
ANDY: Be scared, crows.
Be very scared!
Wait. Andy, Ollie,
didn’t your scarecrow have a head before?
Li-Like a cantaloupe head?
We lost it.
What-what do you mean, you lost it?
It rolled into the street and we didn’t see where it went.
That must have been the ball that Elaine stopped for.
It was probably a cantaloupe.
It probably bounced into the street in front of her car!
Look! Is that it?
ANDY and OLLIE: No!
We got to be strong.
We have to get ready for the harvest.
Okay, so that changes things.
The way I see it now, driver one stopped for a legitimate reason, driver two rear-ended her, driver three-that’s you, Bob…
Pulled into traffic without signaling, driver four rear-ended driver three, when then sent driver three into driver two’s car, which caused driver two to hit driver one’s car for a second time.
Uh, yeah, that sounds right.
Look, I’m no insurance adjuster, but it sounds like you may be the only person
taking any responsibility for this accident.
Which, in insurance terms, could mean that you end up taking all of it.
Oh, God. (sighs) Fine.
If that’s the way it has to be.
I’ll put your amended statement in my report.
And I’m glad we got this nailed down.
Just like, uh, we nailed down that new indoor-outdoor carpet at my guesthouse. It’s 100 extra square feet of living area.
I mean, why can’t I rent this place?
Well, our insurance is gonna go up.
Well, up’s better than down.
Wait, no, that’s not right.
But hey, you did the right thing, Bob.
And you know what goes great with our insurance rates going up?
Some discount candy!
I mean, not really.
Ugh, you know what? I don’t want to be jerky.
Tina, you can have mine.
I kinda sorta stole a lot from you earlier.
Oh, I know. But it’s okay.
I was hoarding like a hoardin’ fool.
You can both have mine. I was eating too fast.
I stopped unwrapping them.
Wait a minute.
This bag is light. Like, really light.
No, I wouldn’t do that. Bob, back me up.
You want an alliance?
LINDA: Ooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
GENE: Pump her stomach!
♪ Responsibility for your actions ♪
♪ Is the real path to satisfaction ♪
♪ The only thing that works in life ♪
♪ Is not being a jerk in life ♪
♪ Taking responsibility’s the best way to be ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Responsibility ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪