Original air date: April 11, 2021
* * *
Hey, bud, careful. The janitor just waxed.
Remember, if the floor is shiny, you can fall on your heinie.
TINA: Yeah, that’s me, Tina Belcher, ordinary eighth grader.
That’s probably what makes me good at my job.
I walk the beat as a hall monitor here at Wagstaff, but I was about to discover that sometimes you walk the beat, and sometimes the beat walks you.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
TINA: I bet you’re wondering who she is, and how a girl like me got mixed up with a dame like that.
Her name is Holly Monitors, and she was supposed to be my little secret.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let me tell you how this all began.
It was just like any other day.
Like I said, I’m a hall monitor, but it’s not the halls that need monitoring,
it’s the people in them.
Someone’s always chewing gum.
Oh, man, there’s still some flavor in there. Come on.
TINA: I may seem like a party pooper, but it’s better if I’m pooping at their party than a teacher.
Teachers give out detention, I give out attention.
A new piece, for the end of the day.
Ooh, cinnamon. Fancy.
And sometimes it’s hard to be on the good side of the law with the two scamps in my family.
They were always up to something.
But I lived with them, so I had to live with myself.
Still, something was different that week.
I had a feeling I hadn’t felt since the fidget spinner craze.
Or that other craze where everyone was eating those spicy dusty chips and throwing up.
Hey, hey, no running.
Stop running, slow down.
Whatever it was, I was sure it would go as quickly as it came.
Besides, I had other things to focus on.
Like the big banner the hall monitors were working on for the open house.
Sure, being a hall monitor is not as exciting as the drama club or dance club or jazz choir…
♪ Do-bee, do-bee, do-wah. ♪
…but it’s my life. This open house would be the hall monitors’ biggest day yet, working security as parents and the superintendent came to experience a…
Full day of Wag.
Not some phony two-hour evening event.
I’m talking about a full day, living and breathing the real deal.
You will be helping to welcome all of the parents and the superintendent to the upcoming “Walk on into Wagstaff” open house.
From the opening assembly…
TINA: He needed it to go perfectly, because if it did, the superintendent would pay for Frond to go to…
Counsel Your Butt Off, a weekend seminar in Sarasota for life changers and emotion rearrangers.
So, this week, I’m counting on you to stop the hooligans before they hool again.
Now get out there and monitor.
Tina, can I, uh, talk to you for a moment?
Sure, what’s up?
Uh, not here. My office.
There’s a favor I need to ask you, Tina.
You’re my most experienced hall monitor.
You’re good at what you do. You have a light touch.
The kids seem to like you.
I mean, in their way.
The thing is, I have a feeling that there’s something going on.
Kids are distracted, whispery. Test scores are down.
Art supplies are missing. Kids are hanging out in new groups: the populars mixing with the regulars.
Whatever it is, I need it to stop.
I need to add it to the no-no list.
The open house is in three days.
I need the superintendent to think this place runs like a well-oiled baby.
I’m not sure if I’m using that phrase correctly.
Sounds good to me, boss.
But how can I stop whatever’s going on if I don’t know what it is?
That’s where you come in.
TINA: I told him I could find out what was happening.
Of course I could. But I was about to discover no matter which way you turn, fate can stick out a foot and trip you.
Or sometimes your own shoelace can stick out a foot and trip you.
When you’re working a case, you have to be subtle.
(high-pitched): So, Gene and Louise, anything new going on at school? Distracting you?
Nope. Just learning a lot, as usual.
Ooh. What’d you learn?
Science. Also, math.
And that thing with the letters.
No, thank you.
TINA: Either they really didn’t know or they didn’t want me to know.
Either way, it was a dead end.
I was gonna have to put in some shoe leather.
Fruit Roll-Up, huh? Nice.
Nothing out of the ordinary. Ooh, my old barrette.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!
I took a little break for a sloppy joe, and stumbled sideways into a mess of my own.
A popular and a regular?
Where are you two going?
(sultry jazz music playing)
(gasps) Gene. What the hand?
TINA: From the moment I saw her, I knew I was in trouble.
Sure, I knew she was technically my brother’s hand, but when she walked down those stairs, everything changed.
She had a certain something.
You might call it style, you might call it chutzpah, you might call it fingers, but whatever you called it, sister, it was calling me.
GENE: Mm. Mm. Ah. Ah. Ah.
Give it up for Mavis Middlefinger!
Okay, okay, okay, you want more?
You know what to do.
Nickels, candy, gum that bubbles?
Whatever you’re thinking, make it double.
All right, all right, we’ll see Mavis again, but first, coming to the stage, Regular Sized Randolph.
Oh. Hey, Tina.
What, uh, what are you, uh, doing here?
Just checking out the scene.
Oh, uh, no offense, but we kind of have a “no hall monitor” rule around here.
Oh, uh, o-okay, uh, I’m not a hall monitor right now.
Just Tina. Belcher. Your sister. And friend.
(chuckles) Okay, are you sure?
Because you are making a weird lying face.
Oh, no. I-I just did a gross burp and I’m trying to hold in the smell.
Oh. Okay, well, you can stay as long as you keep your lips zipped, potato chip.
Looks like I’m on.
Regular Sized Randolph, everyone.
If you like Randy, give him some candy.
Wow. Bunch of loose Nerds and a quarter?
Oh, wait, no, it’s a corn chip.
Bring back Mavis!
Okay, okay, cool down.
We’ve still got nine minutes of lunch period left.
But for now, how about a hand for these hands?
It’s Tom Shoes and his gorgeous ex-wife Skatie Holmes.
Everybody, look at my hands.
TINA: I guess you could say it. I was wrapped around those fingers.
Hey, guys. Hey, Gene.
Great finger dancing today.
(shushes) Tina, keep it down.
Oh, sorry. Uh…
(whispers): Great finger dancing today.
We call it handy prancing, but thanks.
So it’s a secret?
Of course it is, T.
Because it’s amazing, and “distracting.”
Yeah, the first time I did it was at lunch when you were at a hall monitor meeting.
I’d seen it on the Internet.
And like everything I’ve seen on the Internet,
I tried it right away.
LOUISE: He painted on a pair of mustard shorts and slipped on some tater tot shoes.
Ms. Labonz yelled at him to cut it out, but, oh, it took off from there.
Soon, the scene got so big we had to take it underground so we wouldn’t wind up on Frond’s no-no list.
Gene’s the best at it, and it’s making me… I mean, us… Three, four dollars a day easy, plus candy and gum.
Mind if I come back tomorrow?
Sure. I mean, you’re not gonna go rat us out to Frond, are you?
What? No way. I’ll keep it Frond-fidential.
Confidential. Ha, ha.
Great. Um, see you then.
And also for the rest of the walk home now, and later tonight and tomorrow morning.
Ah, you doing one of those gross burps again?
Yep, yep, yep.
Sure, I wasn’t telling them the whole truth, but I wasn’t gonna tell Frond the whole truth, either.
Maybe there was another way out.
It was a complicated sandwich, and I was the salami in the middle.
Ooh! Tina. Easy with the broom.
Oh, sorry, I was just thinking, I guess.
Inside, I was a deck of 52 cards scattered on the floor, but from the outside I had to look like a straight flush.
(chuckles): Tina, you’re sweeping me off my feet.
Ugh. Dumb broom.
(panting): Guys, I’ve got a huge problem.
Okay. Is this like when you couldn’t get your underwear off?
Because I’m not helping you again.
You-you need to buy bigger underwear.
No, this is worse. You know Kathleen?
Well, she invited me to the movies in a couple of days.
Aw, that’s great, Teddy.
Yeah, but here’s the problem: she could only get tickets at 5:30, which is dinnertime.
So I told her I could pick up a couple of burgers from you guys, but the last time I tried to sneak a burger into the movies, it didn’t go so well.
Sir, you aren’t allowed to bring outside food into the theater.
(shouting) Sorry! Sorry!
Wait, is that why you have a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel in your house?
No, that was a gift.
Ugh, I don’t know what to do about this food.
I told Kathleen I would bring burgers.
This could make or break us.
Well, well, maybe we can help you sneak them in.
I can make you a little sneaky snacky.
Oh, thank you, Linda. Thank you.
You can’t just waltz in there with a bag in your hand.
That’s lesson one. You got to be like The James Bourne Identity.
You got to hide it. Give me a day, Teddy.
I’ll come up with something.
Oh, thank God.
I was really panicking there. (chuckles, sighs)
Better have a burger and fries and another burger to calm down.
TINA: Life just kept moving around me, and I kept moving around life.
Like walking and stuff, but also sitting sometimes, too.
So I guess moving and also not moving.
Depending on what I was doing.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
She was so free, so wild.
I wondered what it felt like to walk a mile in her tiny shoes.
It’d probably take a while, because her feet are so small, but boy, oh, boy, I had a feeling it would be worth it.
So, have you found out what’s up?
On a scale of friendship bracelets to teen pregnancy, how bad is it?
No info yet.
But, you know, I’ve got some hunches and I’m eating some lunches.
TINA: I thought I had it under control.
But it turned out, what I couldn’t control was myself.
♪ All of my life, I’ve held it all in ♪
♪ Wondering what I could’ve been ♪
♪ If all of those things I’m trying to hide ♪
♪ Jumped out of my skin, to the outside? ♪
♪ Just give me a hand, I’m tired of hiding ♪
♪ Give me a hand, look at me striding ♪
♪ I’m free as the breeze-y, a little bit sleazy ♪
♪ My God, it’s not easy, feeling so free-y. ♪
You were handy prancing.
You, uh, want to get up on stage tomorrow?
Oh, no, I don’t think so. This was just a-an accident.
Sure. Your hand just accidentally fell into some of your old Equestranaut clothes.
(chuckles): Yeah. You’d be, uh, surprised how often that happens.
(chuckles): Okay, well, Mom says come to dinner.
Great, let’s all get out of my room quickly, then.
GENE: We’d better hurry. Looks like she’s going for my spaghetti… Mom, trip her!
TINA: What did it mean?
I was supposed to be busting those freewheeling fingers.
But I wanted to be one?
I was all mixed up like some kind of… mixed-up thing.
Okay, you must be wondering about these.
They’re my old armpit hairnets from when I had to wear armpit hairnets in the restaurant.
I thought we bronzed those.
They’re for Teddy… For his movie burgers.
Linda, isn’t that kind of gross?
I mean, would you want to eat a burger that’s been in somebody’s armpit?
Armpits are the cleanest part of the body.
(chuckling): No, I-I, I really don’t think that’s true.
Uh, besides, won’t the burgers get all soggy and mushy in there?
I’ve eaten plenty of food that’s been in Mom’s armpit.
That’s how she warms stuff up on the go.
Bagels, baked potatoes, empanadas, soup.
Yeah, I made s’mores in there one time.
And what’s your great idea, Mr. Smarty-sneaks?
Um, anything would be better than food from your armpit.
What about crotch, butt crack?
Folded under one’s boobs?
Ooh, good idea.
Tina, you’re quiet.
Uh, everything okay?
Oh, sorry, um… delicious.
Is that what we’re talking about?
Thank you, Tina.
I’m not telling you how I heated it up because apparently someone’s worried about that.
TINA: I had it bad.
And that wasn’t good.
Unless… it was?
Are you sure she’s working for Frond?
I mean, something’s going on.
That was her lying face, not her burping face.
But one thing’s for sure, she’s in over her head.
And if we keep her in, she won’t rat us out.
TINA: Could I hear them? Yes.
They were very loud whisperers.
So they were on to me, and I was on to them being on to me.
And luckily, Frond didn’t suspect a thing.
I suspect something.
I suspect you’re not very good at your job, because you haven’t found squat.
Back off, Frond! I’m working on it!
Go counsel something.
Was I lying to him or lying to myself?
Was I in too deep or not deep enough?
Was I ready to change or had I already changed?
Who was I becoming and was it becoming on me?
Was I asking too many questions or not enough?
Or just the right amount? All I wanted to do was the thing I was supposed to stop. It was like my hand had a mind of its own.
And now, for the first time ever, give it up for… for…
Uh, what-what was your name?
Holly Monitors. Because I’m a hall monitor.
No, no, I get it, I get it.
Give it up for Holly Monitors!
(shouts) I’m okay!
TINA: It was a rush. The crowd was electric.
The feeling… it was… I had never felt anything like it before.
Holly knew what she wanted and she went for it.
So whose side was I on?
Well, I was more turned around than that time Aunt Gayle got caught in her curtains.
But as long as I could keep struttin’, that’s all that mattered to me.
So, I did what Holly wanted.
And Holls, she wanted it alls.
I was living two lives.
Busting kids in my vest.
And busting moves in my dress.
But it was getting harder and harder to keep it up.
I was usually the one on the sidelines, watching the show.
(Gene and Louise vocalizing)
TINA: But this time, I was in the show.
And, honey, the show was in business.
You know, show business?
But nothing this complicated can go on for long without someone getting hurt.
Hi, kids. How was school?
Great. Everything is totally fine.
And I’m not hiding anything from anyone.
TINA: I didn’t want to worry Mom. She was a good girl.
She didn’t need to get mixed up in all this.
You were great today.
Yeah, your hand only fell over twice.
And you only fell over three times.
So, Teddy, do you want to use my pit holders to get the burgers into the movies or what?
It’s perfect, right?
Don’t worry, Teddy.
You don’t need to answer that.
I figured out a better way for you to get the burgers in.
Yep. All you need is eight plastic bags and a vest.
You see? Each part of the burger is contained in its own bag.
Wow. That is elaborate, Bob. (chuckles)
Okay, and so you just take each part out and build the burger fresh.
No soggy buns. Now I just sit down, wait for the movie to begin, and make myself the perfect burger to eat.
Oh, shoot. Hang on.
Bob, your tomato fell out.
I can see that, Teddy.
Still seems like a perfect plan though, Bobby. (chuckles)
It’ll work. Okay, now I just take out each bag in order, starting with the bottom bun…
Thank you, Teddy.
Uh, hang on. Let me just fix this.
You know what, maybe we’ll just get popcorn, right?
We’ll get an extra large and we’ll just split it.
What? No! Take my pit holders, Teddy.
No, no, take mine. I-I fixed it, look.
I’m just gonna put the holders on you.
So you have ’em if you want.
No, that’s okay.
Lin, I don’t want the pit… things.
He wants this!
Wait, w-where are you going?
Teddy, take ’em!
Uh, I… I…
You’re gonna love ’em, Teddy, come on!
Take it, Teddy!
Teddy, come on!
BOB: Teddy, take this.
Ah, you know
I can’t handle when two people talk to me!
I can’t believe he didn’t like either of those ideas.
TINA: Anyway, life was good. Too good.
It’s like I always say, when you’re on top of the world, the only place left to go is down.
Okay, I didn’t always say that, but I’m saying it now.
And I plan on saying it again because it’s fun to say.
Tina. My office, now.
I need something, Tina.
The open house is so close, and kids are still acting weird.
I need more time! Give me a few weeks!
The open house is in two days.
Okay, I didn’t know that.
What? You made the banner that says the date on it.
Wait a minute. Who are you protecting?
Who got to you? Was it Lenny DeStefano?
He got an eighth-grade girl to keep his rabbit in her lunchbox for three weeks.
I know he’s very powerful.
I’m not protecting anyone!
I just haven’t found anything yet!
(sighs) Tina, I didn’t want it to come to this, but… I may have to take your vest.
I can tell you’re lying.
Your-your face looks absolutely bananas.
What choice did I have?
I had to tell him something.
There you have her, folks!
This is very weird, Millie. I don’t like it.
Because you love it? Can we hold hands now?
Louise! Louise, there’s something you need to know!
Hey, what is it, T?
You lookin’ for stage time?
What in the world?!
Tina! You didn’t!
No! I actually didn’t. I mean, I came here to tell you that he wanted me to, but I didn’t tell him anything!
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted a vest.
I am a vest, but I’m also your sister.
Not anymore you’re not.
All right, everyone.
Pack up your adorable little accessories and get out of here! They’re banned!
This is all banned, effective immediately!
Here’s a finger, now get out of here.
That’s your thumb.
The thumb is a finger.
No. This is a finger.
TINA: And just like that, it was all gone.
The fun, the friendships, the fingers.
I had flown too close to the sun.
In this case, my mom’s son, uh, and also her daughter, who happened to be my brother and sister.
And they didn’t want anything to do with me.
Louise switched seats at dinner so our elbows wouldn’t bump.
Sure, Gene still invited me to serve him bubble bath chicken nuggets, but we didn’t have our usual bubble bath chicken nugget banter… it was all business.
I was back on the right side of the law.
So why did it feel so wrong?
Frond banned handy prancing for good.
The case was closed.
And the school was about to be open… housed.
Okay, Tina, let’s test out the video.
No! Don’t turn the camera on.
Play the video called “Wagstaff Faces and Places.”
I didn’t sleep a wink that night.
Normally, I have restless leg syndrome.
But that night, I had restless finger syndrome.
And that’s when I had the idea.
FROND: And now…
Phillip Frond Productions proudly presents: Walk on into Wagstaff, a full-day immersive experience that will have you saying, “Holy cow!”
(chuckles) And, Tina, go.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no! No! No!
Oh, look, a little dancing hand.
I love it.
This is a fun assembly.
I thought it was gonna be boring school stuff.
(singsongy): This feels like a good time for a burger, doesn’t it? A not-mushy burger.
Hmm, those buns look pretty smooshed.
Unlike this bun… oh, no, wait, that’s a tomato. Hang on.
Tina! Tina, stop!
TINA: I’d made some phone calls the night before.
Told some finger friends to wear their Sunday best, even though it was a Friday.
And since Gene and Louise were always surprising me, I thought I’d surprise them for once.
(chuckles): Tina, you son of a bitch.
Hey, go on up there, Gene.
Give us a Mavis moment.
Nah, this is Holly Monitors’ show.
I’m just gonna use these to do this.
So, what, is she suspended or something?
I thought it was cute.
Well, lucky for Tina, so did the superintendent.
She said it was the first creative thing she’s ever seen me do, so I took credit for it.
Oh. So, I’m not in trouble?
No, but if I ever see those fingers again…
(stammers) I’m sorry, did you just take French fries out of your armpit?
Yeah! You want some?
I have some, too.
Uh, kind of near my butt. A baggie slid down.
I think we’re done here.
TINA: I sure was gonna miss Holly Monitors.
But then, I guess, a little part of me will always be Holly Monitors… the hand part.
Mavis. How’d you know where to find me?
GENE (high-pitched): I asked around.
(normal voice): Can we come in?
So it was you who told Mr. Frond?
But why? You were on top of the world.
Sure, it started that way. At first, I loved the attention.
ALL (chanting): Mavis! Mavis! Mavis!
But what began as an occasional gig turned into an every lunchtime thing.
I was missing so many gorditas, so many ham sandwiches.
But Louise didn’t want me to stop. She was getting rich.
I was having a good time, but it was wearing a little thin.
(high-pitched): Thinner than the elastic on my favorite finger tube top.
Mr. Frond put the screws to me and I let it all out.
I told him everything! Everything!
You didn’t have to tell him, Gene.
I threw him off the scent with a really good lie that everyone was just doing a lot of studying these days.
Frankly, it was a relief. The spotlight isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, kid.
I love being Mavis, but sometimes you just want to use your fingers for lickin’ and pickin’.
And occasionally flickin’.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away.
And I’m sorry I didn’t tell Louise.
You loved handy prancing and she loved all that candy and money.
Well, would you ever want to… tread the boards at home with me?
(high-pitched): Honey, all you had to do was ask.
♪ Hey, it’s time to do the handy prance ♪
♪ Yeah, it’s time to let your digits dance ♪
♪ It doesn’t matter if your moves are fancy ♪
♪ Get to the boiler room and take a chance-y ♪
♪ Put some clothing on your fingers ♪
♪ Come and join the swingers ♪
♪ With Gene ♪
♪ Let’s see those fingers kicking ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ Don’t be a chicken ♪
♪ Dance, dance ♪
♪ Do the handy prance ♪
♪ Don’t sit there lickin’ ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ Or pickin’ ♪
♪ Or lickin’ or pickin’ ♪
♪ Dance, dance ♪
♪ Or sometimes flickin’ ♪
♪ Dance, dance ♪
♪ Your brother’s hand is cool ♪
♪ You can’t resist her, dress in your horse’s clothes ♪
♪ And join him, sister. ♪