Original air date: March 28, 2021
It’s school fair time again, and Gene and Louise are training hard on throwing skills to at last put Mr Frond smack in the dunk tank. Meanwhile, Tina is suffering crippling ennui, but is lifted out of it by an infatuation with a teenage boy – or rather, the voice of one on a decades-old Spanish language teaching cassette.
* * *
Hi, journal. Nothing interesting to report.
Just another rainy spring day.
Isn’t spring supposed to be full of promise and new growth and crap like that?
It’s giving me nothing.
The most exciting thing that’s happened to me lately is when I thought we got a new bar of soap in the kitchen, but it was a peeled potato.
Didn’t get my hands clean at all.
Don’t even think that.
Ah, the school fair’s not getting rained out.
Scott Baggs just said the clouds will lift by Friday.
By the way, thank you so much for assigning us to a booth this year.
It’s been three straight years of cleanup committee.
So, what’d we get? What’d we get?
Well, it’s no temporary tattoo booth, but I guess it’s something.
All right, bye.
So, we’re running a booth this year? Which one?
There’s a water booth?
We finally get to run a booth, and it’s the lamest one.
Well, at least you kids could hang out at the water booth with Mommy.
Oh… that sounds fun.
Aw, Tina, I hate seeing you like this, all poopy and droopy.
Here, now you don’t have to see me. (grunts)
You’re gonna be okay. You’re just in a bit of a funk.
I believe she’s suffering from a case of moody-teen-itis.
She’s got to get her teen-itis booster.
TINA: Is this funk ever gonna go away?
I mean, it’s spring.
It’s supposed to be a time of change, adventure.
Hot spring flings where you roll around in blooming flowers.
Getting grass stains everywhere.
Well, you could be excited about the school’s spring fair.
Yeah, T, school fair equals dunk Mr. Frond in the dunk tank.
I guess there’s that.
The fair will get you out of the “doll-drums.”
Pretty sure it’s “doldrums,” Lin.
Sad little dolls playing with their sad little drums.
Yup, right, never mind.
Man, Tina’s losing a lot of air.
Do we still have her patch kit?
Tina, just imagine the look on Mr. Frond’s dumb face when one of us finally knocks him into the dunk tank at the fair.
I mean, we’ve never been able to do it, so I feel like imagining it is the closest we’re gonna get?
Nuh-uh. This is gonna be our year, ’cause this year, we’re gonna practice.
Practice? That doesn’t sound like us.
I found out the dunk tank is getting delivered to the school today.
So, for the next three days at lunch recess, I propose we sneak on over to the dunk tank and practice.
I’ll build some upper body strength, Tina’s gonna tame that wild arm of hers, and Gene’s gonna get a handle on his possibly too complicated windup.
It’s less of a windup and more of an interpretive dance.
And then on Friday, one of us will finally dunk Mr. Frond, into a pool of his own tears.
And mysteriously cloudy tank water.
This week, we’re the Three Dunkateers.
Come on, dukes in. Dunk our guidance counselor!
ALL: Dunk our guidance counselor!
Actually, imagining all this sort of is making me feel better.
You guys go ahead.
I’ll just live here.
“Red dress.” Jocelyn?
That’s what I said.
Jimmy Jr., how do we say “green bicycle” in español?
“Orange scarf,” Tina.
Oh, sorry. Um, pass?
Yep, uh, that sounds right.
Tina, un momento, por favor.
I don’t know what you said, but you’re looking at me like I shouldn’t go.
Now, I may have only received my Spanish accreditation last semester, but I know a perro cuya cola no se mueve when I see one.
A purple couch?
No, it means a dog whose tail does not wag.
So what’s up, amiga?
Do you ever just feel like every day is the same and nothing new ever happens?
Well, not since I joined the Applesauce of the Month Club.
But, Tina, you’ve got to get it together, because your last couple of quizzes have been caca, okay?
So I signed you up for the language lab.
Wagstaff has a language lab?
Well, we have cassette tapes on a shelf in the library that someone donated in the 1980s.
It’s really more of a language shelf.
Okay, so what do I have to do?
You’ll practice with the Spanish tape this week during after-lunch break.
En español, please.
Oh, uh… oh, hombre.
Pass the weekly quiz on Thursday, and you’ll get your after-lunch break back.
Bueno. This is just bueno.
So, right after I eat, I got to go to the el stupido library and work on Spanish.
So I guess you’ll just have to practice without me.
See? This is why I hate school.
It gets in the way of really important things like humiliating Mr. Frond in the dunk tank.
Ugh, but you’re our best shot.
You at least throw hard, with your raw pube power.
Raw pube power is what got us to the moon.
Well, well, well, look who we have here… the Belchers.
The school fair’s coming up.
Please tell me you’re gonna waste all your tickets again on trying to knock me into the dunk tank.
It would make me so happy.
Not all our tickets. I’ll need three for the snow cone booth, minimum.
They’re not gonna be wasted. We’re gonna waste you.
You’re never getting this wet.
Mr. Ambrose, can you tell me where…
Oh, sorry, that’s just a reflex.
Okay, um, can you tell me where the language lab shelf is?
Far corner, next to the window.
Okay, thank you, Mr. Am…
Oh, my God, are we still talking?
(sighs) Let’s get this over with.
NARRATOR (on tape): Welcome to “Pack Your Bags,” Spain Edition.
Are you ready to pack your bags and head to Spain?
This is a Spain in the butt.
Great. Now let’s meet your host family.
And try to respond in Spanish.
Meet Señor Balthazar.
SEÑOR BALTHAZAR: Hola.
NARRATOR: Now say hello to his wife, Señora Balthazar.
SEÑORA BALTHAZAR: Hola.
NARRATOR: And meet their two children, seven-year-old Maria…
NARRATOR: …and 15-year-old Rodrigo.
NARRATOR: Your first practice conversation will be with Rodrigo.
RODRIGO: Hola. Me llamo Rodrigo.
¿Como te llamas?
Hello. My name is Rodrigo.
What is your name?
Tina. I mean, me llamo Tina.
RODRIGO: ¿Cuantos años tienes?
How old are you?
I’m… diez, once, doce, trece…
I’m trece años.
Just two little years younger than you, Rodrigo.
RODRIGO: Estoy emocionado que te estás quedando con nosotros.
I am excited that you’re staying with us.
Um, estoy emocionado to be staying with you, Rodrigo.
RODRIGO: Vamos. Te mostraré la plaza y te compraré una paleta.
Something about if I’m single?
Come. I will show you the plaza and buy you a Popsicle.
Oh, just you and me? Okay.
Muchas gracias, Rodrigo.
Hace calor. It is hot out.
Yeah, it is.
Oops. Mi paleta se derritio sobre mi camisa.
My Popsicle dripped onto my shirt.
Sure did. And a little got on your chest. Oh, wow.
Look, Rodrigo, I mean, I know we just met and you’re just a voice on a tape, but you’re feeling this, too, right?
Vamos a caminar por la plaza.
Come, let’s take a walk around the plaza.
I’m so “plazzed” you asked. (chuckles)
Rodrigo, you just turned my blahs into ooh-la-las.
Oh, right. (sighs)
That’s so great you guys finally get to run a booth at the school fair.
Who cares if it’s just the water booth?
I mean, I don’t drink the stuff, but I’ve heard good things.
Well, I’m gonna turn the water booth into “what a cool booth.”
And how are you gonna do that?
BOB: It says “rad.”
Oh, that’s cool.
Super very cool.
This one says “skateboard.”
A kid can’t drink water out of that and not feel cool, huh?
Someone’s feeling better.
Yeah, she’s been cleaning that one spot for, like, half an hour.
(Tina humming a tune)
(yelps, resumes humming)
Tina, you snapped out of your funk, huh?
Funk yeah, I did. (sighs)
(gasps) Wait, I recognize that sigh.
You’re having a spring fling. Who is it?
No. (chuckles) No spring fling for me.
Okay, Little Miss Dreamy Droolin’ Face.
There actually is a little drool.
Me? Oh, her.
Well, whatever it is, I’m just glad you’re out of the dumps.
Uh, me, too, but maybe don’t do that with the broom?
It’s just… you know, get a room.
A broom room.
To make boom-boom.
Hey, I know your name’s Duncan,
but you’re not gonna be dunkin’ this guy.
Lunchtime. Come on.
Let’s hit the slop line and chow down real fast so we can squeeze in a bit of you-know-what practice.
The dunk tank? Hello.
Right, yeah, dunking. Dunk tank.
Young lady, are you huffing glue?
No, it’s just I already ate.
Yeah, I packed a lunch and snuck bites during social studies.
(students sniffing, groaning)
So I could spend the whole lunchtime listening to that totally dumb Spanish tape.
Cram today so I pass the quiz tomorrow. (chuckles)
But it’s corn dog day.
That only happens once a week.
NARRATOR (on tape): In lesson six,
Maria will teach you how to play hopscotch.
¿Quieres jugar brinca-scotch?
And that’s how you make flan.
A picnic in the park? Sí.
¿Te gusta el pan con queso?
Me gusta cheese and bread.
And I think me gusta you, Rodrigo.
Yo te enseñare como jugar con el Frisbee.
I will show you how to play with the Frisbee.
Oh, oh, okay.
Si lo liberas aquí,
se irá a la izquierda.
If you release it here, it’ll go left.
Izquierda, left, yep. So, about what I was saying…
Si lo liberas aquí, se irá a la derecha.
If you release it here, it’ll go right.
Derecha, right, got it. Um, about how me gusta you…
Para que se vaya recto, debes apuntar recto.
To go straight, you must point straight.
Recto, straight, got it.
Look, I know I’m only in España for the week, but I feel like we’ve really connected.
Iré a buscarlo. I will go get it.
I hate to see you vamos, but I love to watch you vamos.
I know, right?
Hey, do you think Tina’s acting kind of weird?
I mean, weirder than normal?
Yeah, she missed corn dog day.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around that.
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe it is new-boy related.
(gasps) And maybe that boy is also studying in the library at lunchtime.
Worst date ever.
Let’s go see if Tina’s having a librar-affair.
Mr. Ambrose, have you seen our sister Tina with a boy in here?
Being all teenager-y, swapping hormones?
Ew, gross. No.
Tina studies alone in the language lab.
And where is the…
Far corner, near the window.
TINA: Rodrigo, you.
I don’t know how this works, but I’m ready for a kiss, un beso.
Maybe we could incorporate that into the lesson?
Tu te acuerdas cómo conjugar el verbo “caminar”?
Do you remember how to conjugate the verb “to walk”?
Are we doing this?
This is why you missed our after-lunch break time practice time?
Do you have the hots for a boy on your language tape?
Then why were you a making a kissy-face and saying all that stuff?
It’s, uh, it’s gonna be on the test?
I can’t believe you’re in love with the boy on your Spanish tape.
I can. Rodrigo seems amazing.
And his mom’s paella sounds delicious.
Look, guys, I know he’s just a voice on a tape.
And I’m not in love with Rodrigo.
We’re just hanging out, seeing where it goes.
Uh-huh. Sure. Super normal.
Tina, what’s the plan here? How does this end?
Are you gonna run off with Rodrigo? I get your room.
No, it’s just, I was in a funk and now I’m not in a funk, and that’s ’cause of Rodrigo.
So I want to keep being non-funky with Rodrigo.
Look, I’m glad you’re feeling better, and who cares if it was some boy’s voice on a tape?
Velvety voice, I assume.
The point is, you’re back.
After you pass your Spanish quiz tomorrow, then we can focus on the Dunkateers.
(sighs) I guess you’re right. Dang it.
He said he was gonna take me to the beach in lesson ten tomorrow.
But like, not really.
It’s just, this language immersion can be very immersiony.
Seems like Rodrigo is a sloppy Popsicle eater, huh?
Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
I found your old baseball hat.
Uh, yep, there it is.
Put it on.
Put it on backwards.
Turn it, flip it, do it.
Yeah, Bob, turn it backwards.
It’ll look cool.
I don’t want to do it. Stop pressuring me.
I-I’ll do it with mine. See?
Oh. Still, huh?
Yeah. Very cool.
Hey, maybe you could, I don’t know, wear it like that to the school fair.
That’s a great idea.
Lin, we don’t need to try and make our booth seem cool.
We just need to give people water.
Besides, I-I don’t think there are cool booths at this thing.
Oh, really? There’s a booth that has goldfish.
You give them tickets and you can win a goldfish.
A live goldfish.
Whatever you want.
Oh, my God.
GRANT: Buenos días, estudiantes.
Buenos días, Señor Grant.
So, Tina, are you ready for the quiz today?
La paella contiene azafrán?
“Does paella contain saffron?” Yes, it does.
Someone’s immersion course is working.
And that someone is yo.
And good thing, too, ’cause Jacob Weber needs that Spanish tape, like, yesterday.
He’s been out of school with that broken tailbone and now he’s behind. Ha.
TINA: “Translate the following: I saw a little brown dog in the park.”
“Vi un perrito moreno en el parque.” Aw, parque.
That’s where Rodrigo taught me my right from my left.
And how to feel alive again.
Oh, man, I don’t know if I’m ready to say adiós to Rodrigo.
There’s so much more he can teach me.
And we almost got into some serious beso-ing.
Ah! But as soon as I pass this quiz, Jacob Weber will move in with la familia Baltazar.
All right, it’s the last day for dunk tank practice and we finally have all Three Dunkateers. Shall we?
Actually, I can’t.
I, um, flunked my Spanish quiz.
Got to stick with the old language lab during my lunchtimes. (tongue clicks) Darn it.
(sighs) See for yourself.
But we’ve heard you, your Spanish has gotten way better.
And so has your skin. Are you exfoliating?
Hey, I’m as P.O.ed about this as you guys.
Ugh, it’s the worst.
You got, like, every question wrong.
Hold on a sec. You erased this answer and wrote something else.
And this one, and this one.
Tina, did you purposely flunk this quiz so you don’t have to stop listening to Rodrigo?
What? No? (scoffs)
You’re choosing Rodrigo over the Three Dunkateers?
Ugh, I can’t believe you. Rodrigo is not real.
What are you gonna do, marry him and have his not-real babies?
I don’t want to be a not-real uncle.
I’m not-real ready.
I know Rodrigo’s not real.
But the way he makes me feel is real.
It’s not real. It’s a tape.
From before you were born.
Well, it’s more real than our chance of actually hitting that dunk tank target.
What did you just say?
Face it, Louise, none of us are good enough throwers to dunk Mr. Frond.
(laughs): Wow. Okay.
Well, if that’s the way you feel, maybe you shouldn’t go to the fair tomorrow.
Fine. Maybe I’ll just stay in the library during the fair and Rodrigo and I can throw the Frisbee at the frickin’ playa.
Fine. Gene and I will dunk Frond without you.
But we’ll be the Two Dunkateers because it wouldn’t make sense to be the Three Dunkateers with only two people.
No, I totally get the need for the name change!
Why don’t you Rodri-go-on and get out of here?
Okay, I will.
Are we really losing our sister to some Frisbee-throwing, Popsicle-eating boy on a cassette?
Seems like it. We always knew it would end this way.
Gene, we got to do something.
How? She won’t listen to us.
I’ve got an idea how we can get through to Tina.
Slap her and say, “Snap out of it”?
It works for Cher.
Water here. Get your water from what some people are calling the coolest booth at the fair.
Bob, make sure all the cups are facing out, so the kids can see all the cool words I wrote on them.
Mm-hmm, cups are facing out.
Well, we’re bringing it. Ball’s in their court.
Hey, why aren’t you wearing the hat?
Oh, so I’m actually doing that?
Put it on.
Now put on the fingerless gloves.
I’m not doing that.
And you wouldn’t let me pierce your ear.
You got to work with me here, Bob.
Peter Pescadero didn’t dunk me? Shocker.
Oh, you gonna cry about it? Next.
Seth Feldman? Oh.
With those little twig arms, you couldn’t dunk a breadstick.
Mr. Frond has turned into a real dunk punk.
Ugh, I want to dunk him so bad.
So, Tina should be in the library by now.
Let’s just hope our totally slapped-together plan does the trick.
Well, Rodrigo, let’s hit la playa.
¿Tienes tu traje de baño?
Do you have your bathing suit?
Traje de baño, sí.
Tus lentes de sol? Your sunglasses?
Lentes de sol, sí.
Y tu aceite bronceador? And your suntan oil?
Sí. Mucho, mucho aceite bronceador.
LOUISE: In the next lesson, look out the window of the library…
…and notice your brother and sister near the dunk tank.
How do you say, “I bailed on my siblings for a voice on a tape” in Spanish?
What’s Louise doing on here? What did she do?
Los plátanos se ven maduros.
The bananas look ripe.
Such ripe plátanos.
Y también las uvas.
So do the grapes.
Hey, Rodrigo, it’s me, your American friend.
I’m gonna hang out with you guys all day.
Here, let me stand in between you two and sing.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪
Oh, come on. Fast-forwarding.
Sí, I’ll take some more cheese.
Oh, no, an alligator
is eating Rodrigo and he died.
That’s so sad.
Hey, sorry about Rodrigo, but he lived a full life.
So healthy, lot of fruit.
So, look Tina, uh, Gene wanted me to tell you something, and it’s that he really, really wants you to be at the fair.
Because even if somehow Gene and I miraculously dunk Frond, it won’t matter ’cause you weren’t there to see it.
I don’t know, it was just something Gene said.
You think it’s working?
Should we give her the finger or…?
All right, these tickets represent all the money we have in the world.
And all the change we found under Dad’s seat in the car.
Well, the Belchers.
Can somebody hand me my phone?
I’m gonna read my e-mails, ’cause there’s literally no chance of going in the water right now.
And I definitely have e-mails.
I sent you a recipe for the ultimate cinnamon rolls.
Gene, uh, you go first.
Did I do it?
You know what? I’m gonna do my taxes.
Mr. Branca, will you hand me that manila folder?
It’s okay, we got lots of tickets, and we’ve been practicing.
We just got to hit that target once.
Hey, at least you didn’t use up all your tickets.
Oh, wait, you did. Womp-womp.
We still have one ticket left.
Save it for a snow cone. Next.
Mind if I use that ticket?
Yeah, I realized I’d rather be here with my two real siblings than on a playa with one super-hot, not totally real but also sensitive Spanish teenage boy.
You sure you’d rather be here?
I’m 90% sure.
Will one of you Belchers hurry up and throw your turn away?
Come on, T. You’re our last hope.
I believe in you. Just use your arm to throw the ball.
Mr. Branca, get me my new laptop.
Mr. Frond, no.
You got this.
RODRIGO: Sí, es verdad.
Yes, it’s true. Your arm is wild, like your heart.
Pero debes apuntar derecho cuando lo sueltes.
You must point straight when you release.
You might want to put your phone somewhere dry, Mr. Frond.
Is that so?
Oh, no. Help! My phone is drowning!
Yes, yes, yes! An adult is wet.
Why is this so satisfying?
Dukes in, Three Dunkateers.
Now let’s eat snow cones like champions.
Aren’t we out of tickets?
That’s what your babysitting money’s for.
Oh, I give up.
There’s no way to make the water booth cool.
Stupid water. I hate you.
No, there’s not. But maybe that’s okay?
I mean, water’s water.
It’s better than cool? We need it to live?
All right, Planet Earth.
Um, I think you’re all at the wrong booth?
We had chili at the chili booth and it was so spicy.
Way too spicy. (shouts)
Let me have another one.
This water’s so good. It’s so cold.
(gasps) He said cool.
He said “cold,” but…
Yay, spicy chili. Bob, we win.
Look at all these kids.
Why does my cup have a cigarette drawn on it?
Here, here, never mind that.
Let me give you another one. Yay, up top.
Oh, you want water. Okay, here you go.
Is there a waiting list to get a cup of water?
Check us out. We’re the cool booth now.
Eh, let the woman have it. Way to go, Mom!
Water here, get your super cool water here.
♪ Popsicle ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Running down your chest ♪
♪ Popsicle ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Making such a mess ♪
♪ Popsicle ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Should we take off your shirt? ♪
♪ Popsicle ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ I mean, it couldn’t hurt ♪
♪ Trying to focus on this language lab ♪
♪ But all I can see are those sticky Spanish abs ♪
♪ Our fruit market rendezvous, I’ll always savor ♪
♪ I still can’t believe that you were eaten ♪
♪ By an alligator. ♪