Original air date: March 14, 2021
* * *
[radio] Put yourself back in charge so you can become your best you.
How? With SHARD.
Coming soon, a future that puts its faith in you.
They’re calling it the most downloaded, highest-trending media push ever released.
Totally crashed the Internet this week.
Uh, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.
Apparently, it’s working.
Nine million subscriptions on Day 1. Nine, people.
I’ve never heard of anything like this before.
They’re calling it a state-of-the-art life management system.
Yeah, but can it find me a woman who wants me for my mind? Come on.
♪ After all these years of loving you ♪
Coming soon. A future that puts its faith in you.
Where the fuck have you been?
And a very good morning to you, fair Cordelia.
You totally dropped off the grid.
Yeah, I know that’s what you do, but you did it to me, whose job it is to know where the fuck you are.
It’s for your own good.
If you’re hungry, order to go.
We gotta be in Chicago by tonight.
Jesus, you look like shit.
When was the last time you slept?
I’ll sleep… when I’m dead.
♪ Down in Caroline ♪
Heads or tails?
Cut it out.
I think you would have said… tails.
So I’m gonna say heads.
Oh, oh, oh.
I’m very happy for you with your lucky powers or whatever…
Mm, you’re not. But go on.
But I have much more important shit to think about than what you plan to do with my fucking coin.
You do have a plan for that, I assume?
Stabbing a god?
Yup. Get spear, shank shithead.
Pull off at the next exit.
So we can find a place for me to teach you how to use the fucking spear.
This is the god-killer.
And it doesn’t exactly come with an instruction manual.
You want me to teach you or not?
Oh, hi, Mike!
Starting to feel like summer, isn’t it?
How you doing, Mike? It’s been awhile.
Hey. I was hoping we could talk.
I got a call.
Uh, something happened.
He was such a good boy.
You’ll be the first person I talk to.
Just… give me some time to sort this out.
It doesn’t make any sense.
He was doing good in therapy.
He hadn’t missed a day of school or work.
Chief. Need you to see something.
Alison McGovern’s coat, chief.
Found it in the back of the kid’s closet.
I’ve gotta go away on an important business trip, but, uh, you’re in good hands. When I get back…
we’ll go somewhere, have some fun.
Just you and me.
Would you like that?
I wonder if you can help me.
About something called Artifact Number 1.
[knocking on door]
Hey, you got a minute?
Look, we really need to talk about this.
I mean, I knew Derek.
In the way that everyone here knows everyone, which is not as well as we think, it seems.
Look, I have to get back to the office.
Maybe we’ll see each other later at the Ice Festival?
Shouldn’t they postpone that or something?
They floated cancelling it at the emergency city council meeting, but as Hinzelmann made everyone keenly aware, the kids wait for this all year, so…
Everyone’s gonna put on their brave face and carry on like everything’s normal.
Wait. Derek, he…
He couldn’t have killed Alison. Something else is going on.
I don’t know.
I just don’t think it was Derek!
It just doesn’t make any sense!
Things just don’t add up with the kids in this town.
You got Derek, Alison.
What about Sandy?
I went to Florida and I spoke to Darren.
You did what?
I just thought that, that he…
I can’t believe you did this!
I only did it so that you would have peace of mind and you would know how he was doing.
But Sandy never went to live with his father.
I-I don’t even think he ran away.
And the only reason he’s not responding to your messages and cards is because he is missing.
You deserve the truth.
The truth, whatever it is, doesn’t get me out of bed in the morning.
It doesn’t do my job.
It doesn’t take Leon to school or hockey practice or sleepovers!
So don’t fucking preach to me about the truth!
I just… I’m trying to say…
You ready to try?
Yeah, I think I got it.
I’ve done my share of pub crawls.
It’s like a big dart.
…is actually a very good way to think about it.
Except this thing weighs about as much as you.
The first thing you need to do is find the balance point.
Don’t manhandle it.
And back about a hand’s width.
Line up to the target.
[inhaling, clearing throat]
Do you really have to kill this dude?
Yes, I do.
Either I go out trying to kill him, or I die breaking my word to the tech Nazis.
But with them it’s not just my life on the line, cause I fucking dragged Salim and Shadow’s names into it as well.
So, yeah, there’s really no rethinking things.
It’s really not your problem, though.
I mean, if you leave now, you can be at the craps tables in Vegas by morning.
I can figure this out.
Take the coin and you can’t miss.
Don’t fuck with me.
It’s a loan.
Oh, fuck me.
Votan, you know that shit will kill you.
As there is no evening star to greet me with backhanded hospitality, I let myself in, sent my girl Friday to the roof, and told her that there would be a goddess who has a fondness for kissing my employees.
Yeah, whatever, Votan.
I’m not in the mood.
I’m tired, I’m going to bed.
So, can we talk about your war tomorrow morning?
It’s peace that we need to talk about.
My war campaign has been a dismal failure.
The New Gods won before we started.
We have to face that.
Are you drunk?
I have never been more sober in my life, old friend.
You promised us a war!
There will never be peace, not with them!
We have to fight!
Otherwise, we are forgotten.
We won’t be forgotten.
The few that remain will whisper our names.
We are the true gods, Votan.
There are many faithful out there who still believes in us.
Who will protect them, huh?
We can’t even protect ourselves.
I came here to ask you to be my second in peace talks.
The Votan I know would never say “please”.
What’s the matter with you?
Have you lost your balls somewhere out there?
[Sandy singing on tape] ♪ I know ♪
♪ You won’t come back ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ That it might be my fault ♪
♪ And I’ve got a lot to ♪
[Marguerite on tape] I’m off to the store, Sandy.
[Sandy] Mom! I’m recording.
[Marguerite] Oh, sorry.
Listen, don’t forget;
you promised to pick up Leon after practice, okay?
[indistinct chatter over police radio]
You got a minute?
[indistinct chatter over police radio]
We both looked Derek in the eye.
[car door closing]
He wasn’t a killer.
This is a crime scene now, Mike.
I’m gonna have to ask you to step behind the perimeter.
Look, there is something else going on.
Okay? Something we can’t see.
Alison was not the only kid to go missing in this town.
What are you talkin’ about?
I went to Florida,
went to check on Sandy Olsen.
He wasn’t there.
Are you a cop now?
Look, wherever Sandy Olsen went, it has got nothing to do with Alison!
Now, I don’t remember the last time there was a dead kid in Lakeside, but now I’ve got two of ’em back to back!
What if it’s three?
What if it’s more?
A lot more.
I listened to you about Derek, and now we’re in this mess.
So, if you could just please get behind the goddamn line.
Oh, my goodness!
Leon, this is incredible.
[Leon] Gosh, it took me so long to make it.
Like this part right here. That part was crazy.
Mike, you look like a fly fisher who’s off the bite.
I just came from Derek’s.
Oh, yes, so tragic.
No need to let that sad affair ruin our lovely festival.
I mean, have you ever seen a more perfect bonfire?
Surviving winter in Lakeside is no small feat.
We aren’t just celebrating the end of winter.
We’re celebrating our good fortune.
[Olga] Oh, Ann-Marie!
[Shadow] The trunk.
[frozen lake crackling]
[frozen lake cracking]
[gasping] No, no! Hey! Hey! Ah!
Well, thanks for the fucking help.
Little bit distracted.
I only have to kill a literal god tomorrow.
You’ll be fine.
You have the coin.
Yeah, well, perfect plans are not always perfect where Wednesday is involved, so…
Um, I might die tomorrow.
And I would really like to feel something before I go.
I just wanna feel… wanted?
I just wanna be, like, pushed up against a fucking wall and feel somebody wanting me.
Maybe for the last time, ever.
So, do you think maybe you could help me out?
Actually, um… [chuckling]
I used to do this a lot.
I would find someone to have sex with when I was anxious or… or bored.
And it’s not…
It’s not good.
Uh, we shouldn’t…
We shouldn’t do… I’m sorry.
We should definitely not do that.
Just as I was getting used to the idea.
I mean, it’s nothing to do with you.
You’re… you’re fine.
Yeah, you’re fine.
You’re… fucking attractive.
Is that what you want me to say?
You’re very attractive.
It’s… Now that I’m alive again, I just…
I mean, the last time that I had real, like, actual alive sex was… was Robbie.
That’s not good.
And that’s why we definitely should not… not do that.
Does it matter what I think?
I think what you need is a plan for what comes next.
When you’re done with Wednesday, and you aren’t dead.
When I was a kid, I, uh, I used to sit in a pew just like that.
And I would pray for God to be real, and magic, and I would pray that I was special.
And the thing about all of that shit, fuckin’ religion, fate, destiny, whatever, is that it’s not real and it’s actually just a fucking cage.
It’s, like, shackles. And I just… I just wanna be free.
Has anyone ever told you that you’re very cynical and more than slightly overdramatic?
And I’m not talking about destiny.
I meant you need a challenge.
Ugly shirts. Greasy pizza.
Let’s go tomorrow.
You’re all wound up about this one thing.
But there has to be life after.
It doesn’t have to be bowling.
We could get tattoos.
Or go skydiving.
Well, I’ve never been skydiving.
You stick the All-Father with the magic spear, then I get my coin.
Then, we skydive.
[sighing] Okay, cool.
Let’s do it.
♪ Time with my Rolex ♪
♪ Saving quarters in my porch ♪
[Marguerite] Out here!
♪ And when she starts to pout ♪
♪ I don’t have to shout ♪
[light bulb buzzing]
There she is.
Someone’s home early.
I let the new guy close up.
It must be nice to have another trainer help you.
Yeah. It’s definitely good for business.
And it gives me more time to focus on the important things.
♪ And when I come to bed ♪
[baby crying in the distance]
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t move a muscle.
Let me get her.
♪ I was only having fun ♪
What are you doing?
♪ You fucked me you ungrateful tart ♪
♪ After all I’ve done for you ♪
♪ So what if you’re a little black and blue ♪
♪ I guess I just like you too much ♪
[Czernobog] I don’t know what to do.
Why should I join you in that endless eternity?
Be with you forever.
I don’t know. What am I gonna do?
You want me to become the Dark One once again, huh?
Please talk to me.
I need you to guide me.
What the fuck?
Let him work it out.
Um, he’s doing that?
[screaming in the distance]
You know, I’m sensing a pattern here.
[thudding] [light fixture clinking]
We drop in on old friends of yours, they hate your guts and freak out.
You e-eat their food and drink their booze until they calm down.
You ever worried that one day it won’t work?
We leave in the morning.
After I wake up.
A big mistake people make with hypothermia is wrapping a fellow in blankets right away.
Especially in wet clothes.
A hot bath…
that’s what sailors have done for hundreds of years.
Warms you up from the inside.
Given how long you were underwater, you should be a dead man.
And your luck doesn’t stop there.
You won the clunker competition!
Just like you guessed.
You must have some powerful guardians looking after you.
You killed them.
All of ’em.
You put the clunker on the ice every year.
You knew to frame Derek for killing Alison because of me.
You have to understand, they are a necessary sacrifice in accordance with Norse tradition.
Just one child every few years to give thousands of townsfolk a lifetime of prosperity.
You know anyone here could put the pieces together if they wanted to.
But they don’t.
They don’t wanna know the price.
And you don’t have to burden them with it.
The world is a dark and dangerous place.
I provide shelter from the storm.
Forget what you saw today.
You can have a wonderful life here.
Safe and happy and loved.
I’m not gonna let you just keep doing this.
I knew this would happen the moment you arrived.
But I owed Wednesday a debt, and he came to collect.
And you know your father.
Truly, I’m more of a benevolent spirit.
But they made sacrifices in my name, and now, I have to deliver.
[Chad] That’s enough, Ann-Marie.
Stop! Put your hands behind your head!
[Ann-Marie screaming in a demonic voice]
[explosion] [glass breaking]
What the… I shot her.
[Mr. Wednesday] All cultures impose their own meaning on the heavens.
Look at these stars, huh?
Probably the most famous stars in the world.
You probably know them as… what?
The Big Dipper.
Other cultures know them as Ursa Major.
Others as Favdna’s Bow and Arrow.
Some as the Seven Gods.
Personally, I prefer Odin’s Wain.
Or do I?
frontier to the future and the map to the past.
That’s why this is a perfect place to bring it all to an end.
It’s an end for you and me too, kid.
All good things must, huh?
Are you gonna be able to take care of yourself without me?
You sure you’ve got that the right way around?
Where can we hide in the fair weather, we orphans of the storm?
The assholes are here now.
I hear you’ve been trying out a few new looks.
Well, variety is the spice of life.
Well, I like the Savile Row psycho look. It suits you.
I don’t care if you can make yourself look like the fucking Princess Anastasia.
Now, can we get this the fuck over with?
Thank you for agreeing to the meeting, Mr. World.
You must be very busy.
It was an intriguing invitation.
I’ve come to a realization that affects both of us.
War and bloodshed do both of us harm.
We fight amongst ourselves, we demean godhood itself.
But if we work together…
I’m sorry if there’s been a misunderstanding, but, uh, we will dictate the terms.
Our offer to the Old Gods… is their lives… and freedom… to disappear in any corner of America they choose.
That’s an offer?
Here is the alternative.
We’re on the cusp of a new age, wherein humanity will forget the Old Gods!
[laughing] And… and you’ll all die.
Now, you can accept my offer and fade from existence in peace.
Or we will systematically hunt and kill every one of you that gets in our way.
You’re not gonna say anything?
What are you afraid of?
I’m not afraid anymore, Votan, no, no, no.
I will fight until the bitter end.
With or without you.
And I will call upon the Old Gods to join me.
Peace talks are over for today.
About two years ago, around Christmas, Darren called me…
…screaming about visitation, I was keeping the kids from him, when were they coming?
He was drunk, and uh…
I got mad, and I told him that he would never see the kids.
Sandy heard everything.
So when he took off, I just thought he went to go live with his dad, but…
As time went on, I… I chose to believe it.
I had to.
Where are you headed?
I’ve got a friend at the Journal-Sentinel in Milwaukee, and, uh, she’s been trying to convince me for years to work for her, so…
You know, I like Milwaukee.
There’s a great bookstore… on the East Side, on… on Murray.
Maybe… if you ever find yourself there…
Count on it.
My car is yours.
Just… keep it purple.