Original release date: 14 January 2022
Anne gives Tony some advice on moving forward, Emma crosses paths with an old friend, Matt suffers a health scare, and James stands up for himself.
* * *
[woman] Well, he came to the door and said he was doing security checks on vulnerable people like myself.
And did you ask for ID?
No! Well, he was in uniform. Helmet and everything.
Oh, am I stupid?
No, no, not at all.
Then he came in, and I made him a cup of tea.
And he was asking about burglar alarms, but I said I didn’t have one.
Locks on doors.
He was very convincing, and he really knew his stuff.
Then he asked me where I kept my jewellery and valuables.
I said I didn’t really have anything of value, but I had been saving up out of my pension for a couple of years, and I had about £500 in the biscuit barrel.
And he asked me to show him, so I did.
And he said, “That’s good. They probably wouldn’t look in there.”
We went back in the living room, and he asked to use the toilet, and he must have come in here and…
Yeah. And, uh, are you insured?
No.
I won’t get it back even if they catch him.
He’s probably spent it on drugs.
Probably.
Um, you reported it to the police though?
Yes, and they confirmed he wasn’t a real policeman, because they said there is no officer with a “Made in Britain” tattoo across his forehead.
A “Made in Britain” tattoo on his head?
Yes.
Take a picture.
Yeah.
Oh, I’m so stupid.
[Tony] You’re not stupid.
The world’s a fucked-up place.
Smile.
[camera clicks]
Life really is unfair, isn’t it?
Old people shouldn’t feel ashamed ’cause they get conned by fucking scum.
I’ll pop in here and get summat.
See you later.
See you later.
Brought your chess set, Dad.
Oh, you remembered!
One of us has got to.
Got to what?
Remember.
Remember what?
Fucking hell.
[chuckles]
You all right?
Yeah.
My birthday today.
Is it?
Mm-hmm.
You didn’t warn me.
It’s no big deal.
Do you want to go for a drink later?
You don’t have to.
What, are you my sponsor?
[chuckles] Okay. Well, if you’re not busy.
Never busy. Look.
No segregation on this board.
[man] Shh!
Oh.
[man] Please. I’m trying to concentrate.
Oh. Um…
[Tony] No. There’s someone there.
[man] Oh, doesn’t…
That better? That please you?
Yeah.
[man] Off you go!
Your move!
Well, I’ll probably start with this one.
[man] Aw.
[chuckles]
[man] That is just ridiculous.
[overlapping chatter]
Here’s some water.
All right. Come on in. Oi, shush, all of ya!
Right, we’re all here.
Tambury Fair, the big one.
I’ll be emceeing the whole event.
I’ve got me costume and everything. Leather pants and a whip.
What are you going as?
Slave trader.
It was quite big round here back in the day.
Now, we got one of them things with a target.
And you hit it with a ball, and then it dunks a witch in the water.
June’s gonna be our witch, aren’t you?
Yeah. Love witches. Hmm.
Now, we need a volunteer to stand in the stocks, and you get pelted with tomatoes and rotten eggs and stuff like that.
James.
No. I’m not doing it.
It’s for charity.
Yeah, but anyone can do that. I’m a skilled performer.
Oh bless.
Right, skilled performer, what are you gonna be, then?
It’s gotta be something classic from hundreds of years ago.
Uh…
What about a hillock?
Perfect.
What’s a hillock?
It’s like an old-fashioned thing, isn’t it? I don’t know.
Like a little hill.
How can I be a hill?
Well, we lay you down, we cover you in mud and turf…
Put some little flowers on.
[Ken] Put some little lovely flowers around you. It’ll look lovely.
And then people will go by and go, “Oh, look, it’s a hillock!”
I’m not gonna be a fucking hillock!
Language!
No. No, no, I can’t believe that’s your idea for me!
You’re supposed to be my agent.
I know you can’t get me real work. I mean, that’s obviously out of the question.
But to suggest that you cover me in mud in public?
Unbelievable.
Sorry you had to hear that, everyone. He’s like a wild bull at the minute.
He’s… He’s constipated.
No excuse!
And you’re wrong, actually, James.
Because I have found work for you.
I was gonna tell you about it later.
Right. What?
Have you seen a show called The Undatables?
No. What is it?
Well, people go on dates, and they see if they get along. It’s lovely.
A reality show?
Yes, but it’s brilliant!
It’s not a professional acting job, is it?
Ah, well, that’s the clever bit, right?
‘Cause it’s for people who can’t normally get dates, you know, because they’re disabled or disfigured or something.
So how does that apply to me?
Well, I told them about your shape.
Of course.
But that wasn’t enough.
So I said…
“He’s mentally retarded.”
Fucking hell!
What?!
I’m not going on a fucking reality dating show, pretending to be mentally disabled, just ’cause you can’t get me any work.
I cannot win, can I? It is work.
It is not work!
It’s pretending to be disabled.
Acting is pretending!
What did you even say was wrong with me? Huh?
Well, I didn’t go into specifics, did I? This is every actor’s dream!
Look at Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot. Fuck me, what was up with him?
Dunno.
[Ken] No one cared.
Rain Man. What was that little twat doing?
It’s not hard!
Forget it.
You’re an actor!
Forget it. It’s offensive. You’re offensive.
I’ll do it.
It wouldn’t be the same with you, Brian. You actually are a bit mental.
Fair point. [chuckles]
Uh, I’ve got a package for Kath.
[Valerie] Yeah, I’ll sign for it.
I’ll sign for it if you want. [chuckles]
It’s all right. I’ve got it.
I’m Kath.
You ride a motorbike?
No, I just get very nervous on the bus.
Oh. [laughs]
Very funny.
I ride a Honda.
All right. Sweet, man.
You a journalist?
For my sins.
[chuckles]
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Yeah, journalist.
Well, I sell adverts that go next to the journalism.
Yeah, it’s long hours, you know, but it’s very rewarding.
And, uh, I don’t mind burning the midnight oil ’cause I’m single.
Young, free, and single. [sighs]
Do you want to go for a drink sometime?
Yes, please.
Hiya!
All right?
Hiya.
Brought you some cake, darling.
Ooh, thank you.
Bang goes the diet.
Yeah.
Won’t be able to get in your wedding suit.
I’ll be all right. Making me own dress, so I’ll make it a bit bigger.
Oh, making your own wedding dress?
Yeah, saving money, in’t it?
That’s so sad.
Why?
Well, not having enough money for the most important day of your life.
I have got enough money, which is hardly any.
You don’t need money if you’ve got love. It’s just a dress.
I haven’t got money or love.
Oh, everyone loves you, darling.
[Kath] What about me?
Well, there’s someone for everyone.
Had a date with a teacher who thought I was thick.
Patronizing me about poetry, slagging off Kipling.
I love his cakes. Have to have them at the wedding.
If it makes you feel any better, maybe he just pretended to think you were thick ’cause he didn’t fancy you.
You’d know if he liked ya.
How?
You can feel it. He’s not just polite. He’s considerate and caring.
Shows an interest, not just a courtesy either.
There’s a warmth that he can’t help.
Smiles when he looks at ya, touches his hair.
Picks something up for you, not just say you’ve dropped it.
Wants your hands to be close.
[Tony] So next date, see if he smiles, touches his hair, and picks up any chips you drop.
Lenny told me about the life insurance money.
Right.
He hasn’t cashed it. He don’t want it under these circumstances.
Oh my God, that’s so romantic.
[June] Well, it is, but the money’s not symbolic of Lisa, darling.
Money’s just spending tokens.
Lisa was a beautiful person who you spent your life with.
She lives in your heart.
She only took out the life insurance so you didn’t have to worry about stuff.
Take it from the insurance company at least. Enjoy it.
Blow it at a casino if you have to.
But if you don’t spend it, Lisa wasted her time.
[Anne] I want you to live, Tony.
Not just not kill yourself or wait patiently for death, but live.
Live your life as if there’s no tomorrow and then you wake up and there is a tomorrow and you do it again.
[Tony] Hmm.
It doesn’t matter what you do so long as you live your life to the full and enjoy every second of it.
And if you don’t think it’s worth trying, why should I?
I used to sit on this bench every day, by myself, hoping that someone would come along who would understand.
And it was you.
You were in the same boat as me. You’d lost someone.
Well, it’s a graveyard, so the chances are…
[chuckles]
You see, you still think and listen and make people laugh, make them feel they’re worth something, worth listening to.
I just want you to find something that makes you want to get up in the morning.
I’m still going.
I know I’ll never replace Stan, but I’m not gonna throw in the towel, and the only thing that’s worrying me now is you not being happy.
It’s all about hope.
Hmm.
You’re allowed to miss Lisa and grieve and feel angry.
But I can’t bear the thought of you having no hope.
That’s the saddest thing in the world to me.
Giving in.
Please,
tell me you have hope.
I do.
But I’ll never find anyone to replace Lisa.
And I’ve realized I… I don’t want to.
But I do wanna find a reason to live.
That’s not out of the question.
Blimey, you work fast, don’t you?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, just met and you’re like, “Wanna go for a drink?”
I thought that’s what you wanted me to say.
Right.
Oh, whoops.
Have you got Parkinson’s?
[Kath] No.
Emma?
Yes?
It’s Jack.
Jack… Jack! Oh my God!
[gasps] I’m so sorry. It’s been so long.
Yeah.
Well, 30 years. Yeah.
I mean, look. I used to have hair.
You did! [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah.
So how are you?
Yeah, you know.
Yeah. Yeah.
You married? You got kids or anything?
No, nope, none of that.
You? Are you…
Me? No, no, I’m divorced. No kids. So, um, complete loser.
Oh. Pfft.
[chuckles]
And what do you do now?
I’m a nurse in a care home.
Oh.
Yeah, perfect.
You?
Uh, I import wine.
Oh, perfect. [chuckles]
We should hook up.
Uh…
Oh, don’t worry.
I shall give you my number.
There you go. That’s me.
Cheers. [chuckles]
It was so lovely to see you again.
You too.
[both laugh]
[Tony] All right.
You can’t have beer before playing squash.
Course you can. Go on.
You’re bringing it with you?
Yeah, in case I get thirsty.
[Matt] Unbelievable.
[Tony belches]
[Matt] Oh my… Hello.
[Tony] Hiya.
[Matt] That stinks. Oh my God.
[Tony grunts]
Right.
Oh. [sighs]
Ah.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
[Matt] Love all.
Tits!
Okay, let.
Oh, is that…
Let.
You can’t shout “tits” before a serve.
What if I’ve got Tourette’s?
You…
It’d explain a lot actually.
[Matt] Oh, come off it.
Oh.
Come on!
[grunts]
[screams]
How are you doing this?
[sighs]
You didn’t even run for that. You knackered?
I had to go round you.
Right.
Long journey.
No! How are you…
Oh my…
Unlucky!
Oh no!
Go on! Run!
Unlucky!
Oh, will you just…
Unlucky!
[Matt screams]
Unlucky!
Ooh!
Will you stop shouting, please?
[Tony] Unlucky.
It’s like playing with a wild pig.
[grunts]
Why didn’t you go for it?
I didn’t know where it was going.
All right, I’ll tell you where I’m gonna put it.
It’s down there! It’s over there!
Over there!
Unlucky!
Watch the wall.
Go on, over there!
Is that helping or not?
No, it’s not helping.
Okay.
Assume nothing is helping.
Okay. Okay.
Just be quiet.
Ah.
[Matt sighs] This is ridiculous.
[Tony burps]
[gagging]
Yeah, all right.
It’s fizzy, innit?
Is it?
[belches]
Oh my God.
[belches]
Oh, fuck.
I feel sick.
Absolutely gross.
[belches]
Oh my God. Come on.
Oh my God!
[spits]
Ah.
I mean, that’s disgusting.
What?
What?
What you…
Don’t slip on it.
What are you saying? It’s in the middle of the court!
How am I not gonna fucking slip on it, Tony?
Honestly, it’s…
It’s… Ugh. Ah.
What’s the matter?
Ah.
[Tony] Just breathe.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Go on.
What?
Laugh.
Why would I laugh?
It’s nothing. It was just a little warning. I’m fine.
How have I got a weaker heart than you?
It’s classic.
You’re all pent up.
[Matt] I’m all pent up?
You’re like a ball of fury all the time!
Calm down. [inhales] Breathe.
Yeah. Very funny.
You’ve got all the same stress and anger as me, but I shout at people and call them c*nts and smash things up.
You keep it all in. It’s gotta go somewhere.
It’s not fair.
No. Life’s not fair.
And then you die.
I don’t smoke. I watch what I eat.
I do yoga, Pilates, stretching.
I hardly ever drink booze.
Exactly.
And this is a punishment for all that.
Seriously, though, you don’t have to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, always trying to please people.
You know, they’ll be fine if you tell ’em to fuck off now and again.
You worry about everything.
At work, at home, social occasions.
You worry about me.
All this was to help me, and look where it got ya.
I know I stole all the sympathy for Lisa dying.
She was your big sister.
And I think you couldn’t afford to have your breakdown because of me.
You couldn’t grieve because you were worried about what I’d do next.
So… thanks for that.
Oh.
And you’re such a feeble little fucking pussy at sport.
There we go. Good.
Well, thanks for your kind words, Tony. I think I counted about three in there.
I’m just glad we’re only related by marriage because I’d be embarrassed to share actual genetic material with such a mutant weakling.
Yeah, lovely, this is helping.
We’ve got to build you up, do you know what I mean? But slowly and carefully.
Squash is way too dangerous for someone that modern medicine refers to as “puny.”
Let’s start on something like flower arranging and work our way up to hopscotch.
Will you keep the dress afterwards?
It’s not a dress. It’s a gown.
A gown is a dress. It’s a little lady’s dress.
They put you in something they thought you’d like to wear.
Want me to have another heart attack?
No, they weren’t sure.
If you keep doing this, it will be murder.
They said, “It’s a lady, isn’t it? Check the genitals.” Still no clue.
Put it in a dress. Did they give you a smear test?
They might as well while they’re here.
They need to test everything because…
Can you… I’ve just had a heart attack!
Stop making me stressed!
Calm down.
Calm down? If I have another one, it’ll be your fault.
How dare you, madam?
Have you not got somewhere else to be?
I have, actually.
[Matt] Great.
I’m going out for a drink.
I can still do that. I’ve got a good heart. I can enjoy myself.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Hopefully not.
Wow. Don’t say that.
[chuckles]
See you later.
You look down, boy.
Yeah.
Need some advice from a dude who’s been there, done that?
I’m not gonna make it in showbiz. It just doesn’t happen to people like me.
Fat people?
No!
I mean ordinary people who live in small towns with the worst agent in the world whose idea of a big break is pretending to be disabled on a reality show.
I think you might be right, mate.
That’s a first.
Wish I was wrong in this case.
Ah, spot on, son.
Who cares anyway?
Huh?
Got everything you need right here.
Tambury’s a lovely town.
Hmm?
Easy job. Nice mum.
Great friend. You.
Back at you, boy.
Come on. Come on.
Why do you wanna be a fake wannabe anyway?
Huh?
Showbiz-shmobiz, isn’t it?
All bloody pedos anyway.
[snorts]
I know the score, mate.
You thought if you were famous, people would respect you more.
I guess you’re right.
Works for some, but when you’re a proper loser like us, soon comes out and you’re even worse off.
Because at the moment, you’re a loser, but the world doesn’t know about it.
Good point.
Hmm.
You don’t need the adoration of strangers.
You’ve got people who like you for who you really are.
Yeah.
[Brian] Mmm.
Mum says you can’t expect other people to love you until you love yourself.
Hmm.
Wise woman, your mum.
She is.
[groaning]
If it wasn’t for Lenny, I’d hit her little ass like a ginger stepchild.
Huh.
Hey?
Cheers, mate.
Yeah. Love you loads.
And you.
Yeah.
[grunts]
Oh, fucking hell.
What?
This is depressing, innit? [grunts]
None taken.
Do you know I work with lonely, old people every day, and I think I could quite honestly say that… they’re probably happier than I am.
[chuckles]
No! Sorry, did that sound a bit pathetic?
No. It’s funny.
I’m always the one who does the overtime, who covers for everybody’s holidays because I figure that it’s less depressing than actually being at home by myself.
And then you came in like a little breath of fresh air.
Sorry. Um…
Listen, I know you’re still in love with Lisa.
I know you are, and I know you always will be.
And I think that’s why I’m able to just sort of sit here and just…
[gags and chuckles]
Like, pour my heart out, you know, without any weird complications or…
Definitely.
[Emma] Yeah.
I just think I sort of wasted my life.
[Tony] You haven’t.
And I know that’s not a reason for you to care.
I do care.
No, I know you care, but not, you know, care.
I just think that it’s not a reason for you to be with me.
No, I know.
But I do care about you.
And I want you to be happy.
Well, I actually bumped into an old flame earlier today, so…
Who’s that?
Uh, it was someone I went to college with. A long time ago, obviously.
He went off, did his thing, and I stayed here and did my thing.
Hmm.
Anyway, uh, he said that we should hook up.
So, hmm.
You should.
Yeah? Should I?
[Tony] Definitely.
I want you to be happy.
Like I was.
Just glad you’re better.
I know, and…
Happy birthday!
Thank you.
[both chuckle]
Cheers.
Hey!
Hey!
[Emma chuckles]
Oh fuck.
It’s kicking off now, innit?
[chuckles]
Good girl.
Hello.
Come on!
[sighs]
[sighs]
[dog whimpering]
[Tony whispers] Yeah.
Oh, don’t disturb her.
[Tony] I won’t.
[dog whimpering]
[dog whimpers]
