Original release date: 14 January 2022
The Tambury Gazette welcomes a gloomy new staffer. Meanwhile, Kath visits a psychic, and a restless James makes plans for his future.
* * *
[“Not Dark Yet” playing]
[man grunting]
[Lisa] Tony.
Oh!
Oh.
[Lisa laughing]
Fuck.
[pants]
My heart rate was already at fucking 140.
[Lisa] Yeah, I could see.
Brilliant.
♪ Shadows are falling ♪
♪ And I’ve been here all day ♪
Come on.
♪ It’s too hard to sleep ♪
♪ And time is running away ♪
♪ Feel like my soul has ♪
♪ Turned into steel ♪
♪ I’ve still got the scars ♪
♪ That the sun didn’t heal ♪
♪ There’s not even room enough ♪
♪ To be anywhere ♪
[doorbell rings]
♪ It’s not dark yet ♪
♪ But it’s getting there ♪
[Tony sighs]
There you go.
Cheers.
All right?
Yeah. Good. You?
Yeah, good. How’s the dog?
How’s the dog?
Yeah, yeah. Chilling on the couch, I’ll bet. [chuckles]
Yeah, she’s good.
[Paul] Yeah.
Great. Great. Yeah. Oh, ask me how my girlfriend is.
How’s your girlfriend?
Good. Good. Yeah.
Being done from behind as we speak by Andy Norris, the bookmaker.
Right.
See ya.
[uplifting music playing]
[Emma] It’s nice out there again today, isn’t it?
Maybe get you outside for a wee walk.
Sorry about last night. Obviously nothing to do with you.
I just… I can’t stand people interfering.
Sure.
It was all so forced and in public and…
Do you fancy a drink tonight, then? Just… Just us?
No.
Really?
Joking. Of course I fancy a drink.
Where do you wanna go?
Nowhere. I drink on the couch.
Okay. Maybe I can come and sit on a couch nearby.
Yep.
Got any gin?
Got everything.
Tonic?
I meant everything alcoholic.
I’ll get some tonic.
Yeah.
A lemon?
No.
I’ll bring a lemon then.
[sighs]
You all right?
Are you my son?
[scoffs]
It’s like nothing’s changed, innit?
What?
Dad.
See ya later.
Hmm.
[Anne] Still early. 9:15.
[Paul] Fancy a cup of tea?
[Anne] Yeah. Why not?
No room for me?
Oh.
We were just leaving.
Oh.
Okay.
Off anywhere nice?
Just going for a cup of tea.
[Tony] Great.
Okay.
See ya later.
You okay?
Definitely.
Yeah.
I’m not replacing Stan, by the way.
What do you mean?
Anne and me.
We still miss our other halves with all our heart.
Only now, we… we miss them together.
You wanted two lonely people to be happy, right?
Yeah.
And, uh, I don’t think that, at any point, you ever asked yourself, “I hope their late partners don’t mind.”
No, of course not.
So why do you impose such a restriction on yourself?
[sad music playing]
Alone again.
That’s fine.
You know me. I’m not one to complain.
Oh, I still miss you so much.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
I’m not strong enough.
Not without you.
I’m still going through the stages of grief.
Denial’s the tricky one.
I was never in denial that you were gone.
I was in denial that I was suffering from mental illness.
Even when I was suicidal, I never thought there was anything wrong with me.
I thought that was the sensible thing to do, and it annoyed me that other people thought I wasn’t thinking straight.
It was only recently I realized I was ill.
I guess that was the glimmer of hope to getting better.
[sighs]
It feels good.
Talking to you.
Sorry, how it ended last night, but I wasn’t in the mood, and I didn’t know why you were criticizing Lisa.
No one was criticizing Lisa.
We just didn’t want Emma to feel worthless compared to her.
Why? She’s not my new wife.
No, but she’s a person. She’s a nice person.
We told her that after you left.
Good.
While you were doing that, I threw the cactus through a car window that didn’t stop at a zebra crossing.
Brilliant. You can cover that when I get the call about it later.
That’s what you get.
What do you mean?
I didn’t want to do the stupid soiree. I was doing it for you.
You were making life more interesting.
My fault, yeah.
We’ve both learned a lesson, haven’t we?
Which is?
Never help anyone, ever.
Great. Great lesson.
Yeah.
Seriously, Tony, you need to do something about your anger.
It’s gonna kill you one of these days. Or someone else.
Why don’t you channel it into sport or something? You used to do loads.
Now you’ve let yourself go.
You know, staying up drinking every night. God knows what else. It’ll do you good.
I have let myself go.
[Matt] Yeah.
Yeah, and I tell you this, I could drink half a bottle of whiskey and still beat you at anything physical.
Don’t be silly.
Course I could.
Don’t be silly.
What, then?
Table tennis?
[laughs]
Fine.
Yeah?
Yeah.
[Matt] Not a lot of running.
No, no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Money on it? Money on it?
Okay?
Why not?
100 quid.
No, that’s too…
[clucks]
Okay, yeah, all right, fine, 100 quid.
Yeah, let’s do it.
I’ll, um, phone the rackets club. They’ve got a few table… Oh, sorry, yeah.
Um…
Uh, this is Coleen, uh, the new intern. She’s Sandy’s replacement. This is Tony.
You all right?
No, not really.
I’m absolutely gutted.
I’m starting at the bottom again. I worked my way up to management in my old job.
Where was your old job?
[sighs] At the mini-mart.
But it went bust during the pandemic, so I’ve had to take anything.
Even though the money’s shit and I don’t know what I’m doing.
Well, we’re all in the same boat, then.
Oh really? Do you live with your alcoholic mum ’cause your dad’s in prison for beating up her brother who groped you?
Okay, so, um, if you want to show her the ropes…
Oh, right.
Do you want to come and watch us interview some swingers?
What’s that?
What, swingers?
All of it. I don’t understand anything you just said.
Um, well… Well, I’m a journalist for the newspaper. Yeah?
So I talk to people who’ve got an interesting story.
Okay, why?
Why?
Yeah.
Why do I talk to them? Or why do I do any of it?
Yeah.
Just… just, uh… Just come with us.
Wow.
I’m Geoff, and this is my partner, Vera.
Hi. Um, thanks for inviting us over.
Uh, so what is the swingers club all about?
Fun.
Yeah.
Via sex.
[Geoff] Yeah.
I work at the crematorium, which can be quite boring and stuff, you know, so, um, I like to let my hair down.
Hmm, he gets so frustrated.
I mean, so pent up.
He has to let it out.
Yeah.
[Vera] Yeah.
So we, uh… We started this. Um, all above board, legal age.
Oh, way over legal age.
Yeah, and all consensual. We ask permission for everything.
No funny business, and everything is 100% safe.
Condoms are compulsory.
No filming or photos.
We call it the Vegas Club.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Have you heard that?
Yeah. But you’re happy for it to be in the paper?
Yeah. Fine with us.
But I won’t give you photos of other members.
Don’t want them to be recognized in the street if they don’t want to be.
It’s a lovely private club for people who like a bit of fun.
Nothing weird about it. Can’t stress that enough.
What it is, is it’s a celebration.
Yeah.
Yeah? Of body sharing.
But if someone doesn’t want full-on intercourse, that is fine.
It’s like our Mrs. Polden, yeah?
She just likes Geoff to stroke it.
[chuckles]
[Geoff] She loves it.
[Vera] Hmm.
Up to her.
Whereas her husband, Norman, he wants everything up him, doesn’t he?
Like what?
No.
No?
Dildos.
Right.
Mainly.
He brings his own. They’re not used on anyone else.
Hygiene is paramount. You can write that.
Yeah.
So how do people join?
Well, they just come along. They don’t even have to join in.
They can just watch the first time to get the idea.
Would you like to join?
No. Thank you.
No. Not my… No.
[Geoff] Sure?
Yeah.
[Geoff] Well, you’d be very welcome.
We have all sorts if that’s what you’re worried about.
Even got a little Chinese fella.
[Vera chuckles]
Lovely Kim. He goes like the clappers, he does. Doesn’t he?
Oh. So fast. Good luck to him.
[exhales]
Anyway, as Geoff said, you know, you can just watch if you want to.
No.
Yeah, like Mary Biddle.
Oh, God rest her soul.
[Geoff] Yeah.
She was wheelchair-bound…
Hmm.
…but we used to pop her in the corner and she’d watch.
Yeah, she couldn’t do much else.
She could help herself.
Yeah. Yeah. She had the one good hand.
Now, do you want to take a picture?
Yeah.
Smile.
[camera clicks]
Great. [sighs]
All right?
Hiya.
Hey.
Hey.
[sighs]
What were the swingers like?
Horrible.
I kept wanting to say, “Sorry. Why are you telling us all this?”
“Keep it to yourself. It’s weird.”
At least they’ve had a life. I’ve got absolutely nothing.
You know, I haven’t even got a boyfriend, and I’m fucking easy.
There’s no rush.
I didn’t meet my wife till I was in my thirties.
Your wife died, didn’t she?
Yeah.
Hmm. Really sorry.
Cheers.
Yeah, I wasn’t looking, and there she was.
I was living in a shitty little bedsit above a launderette.
I could hear the machines going round all day.
And, uh, if it wasn’t for Lisa, I think I’d still be there.
Uh, I’ve never had money. She earned loads more than me.
And her dad lent us the money for a deposit on the house.
We paid off the mortgage just before she got ill.
If I didn’t own the house, I’d be living under a bridge now.
Might still be better than my situation.
I’d be happy with a bedsit at the moment.
I’m looking for a flat, but money’s a bit tight.
You should move in with Tony. He’s got that big house all to himself.
Yeah, cheers, Kath.
Wouldn’t want to.
Wouldn’t want to. Why not?
It’s not that I need somewhere to live. I need somewhere to live on my own.
Like, I need to be independent. I just…
I feel like a loser.
I’ve got a viewing later. Would you come with me?
Why?
I feel like they talk down to me.
So you need someone fat and grizzled and middle-aged?
Yeah.
I’m your man.
Always thought I’d make a good estate agent.
Definitely.
You know why?
Cold and uncaring.
Trustworthy.
[scoffs]
People can tell I know what I’m talking about.
No, they can’t.
Oh yeah. I called what’s-her-name, the novelist, medium woman.
She’s up for doing a consultation with you.
Does she do palms, crystal ball, or what?
Said she’s gonna read your aura and tell you what to do.
I hope two people with the gift don’t cancel each other out.
What gift?
I’m a bit psychic.
Oh, are ya?
No.
How do you know?
Bullshit, innit?
You don’t believe in all that nonsense?
What?
The supernatural. Mediums, fortune tellers.
Um,
I dunno.
There’s gotta be something to it. It feels like if it was a con, it’d be illegal, and they make loads of money.
Yeah, but if it actually worked, they’d just do the lottery every week, and they’d be billionaires, wouldn’t they?
Huh.
Yeah, that’s a good point.
I think it’s for people who are looking for something. Oh.
[agent] Hi.
Hello.
Sorry I’m late. An old woman was found dead.
So we’ve got the dining space, living room area, the kitchen, bedroom.
Very convenient to each other.
In my house, my kitchen’s bloody miles away from my bedroom.
Is this all I can afford?
Well, this is the size you’re looking at for the rent you want to pay.
This is quite a cheap area, too, so it’s bigger than you’ll get anywhere else.
What’s the area like?
Yeah, uh…
Uh, I wouldn’t usually mention this, but it’s full of greasy spoons and, uh, fast food takeaways, so, you know…
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Okay. Let’s go before…
Lovely.
Yeah, bye.
No. I’ll see you out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Lovely.
All right. I’ll see you soon? Yeah? Get all this tied up.
No good?
Depressing.
[Ken] Here he is.
I’ve written my TV column. It’s all about Simon Cowell’s newest face.
Cheers.
Who’s this?
Oh, uh, Coleen, this is Ken.
Why so glum?
Where to start. I’m 30. I live with my alcoholic mum.
And I earn crap money, so the only way I can be independent is to live in a tiny hovel above a shop.
Oh, cry me a river. Thought she’d never stop.
Look, if you’re homeless, I’ve got a flat above my office.
What? It’s empty?
Yeah. I use it to audition the young lads. Wink, wink.
Or wank, wank, if you get what I mean.
I think I know what you’re suggesting.
You just said it.
I just stopped all that when coronavirus came along. Scary.
I preferred AIDS. You knew where you were with that.
You actually had to do you-know-what with someone.
Coronavirus? Some fucker just walks past you and coughs and you’re screwed!
Well, I am. I’m high-risk. Asthma.
I was high risk with AIDS. That’s ’cause I liked it up the arse.
My choice!
Anyway, flat’s yours if you want it. I’d change the sheets if I were you.
See ya.
Cheers, Ken.
Hello.
Hiya.
Tonic.
And a lemon.
Cheers.
How’s it going?
Yeah, all right.
Hello, pretty.
Pretty. Hello, pretty girl.
Hello. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Where’s the kisses? Who’s a good girl?
What?
[Tony] Nothing. Don’t forget the lemon.
I won’t forget the lemon.
[Tony laughs]
[both laugh]
Who’s that?
[Tony] Lionel.
Right. Lionel. I can’t cut him now, can I?
Or throw him away.
Stop!
Stop drawing faces on the fruit and veg!
[Tony laughs]
I’ve done you a gin and tonic.
I don’t know what you want to do with the lemon. I’ll get you some ice.
[Emma] Okay.
You’ve drawn a face on it?
That’s Lionel.
Dead.
[Emma] Are you getting the ice?
Yeah. [sighs]
[Ken] Only me.
Bloody hell, Ken. Do you not knock?
Don’t worry about that. You got nothing I want to see. Trust me.
No, I’m gonna be popping in all the time. Don’t you worry. We’ll be besties.
I get ever so bored in the office. There’s nothing at all coming in for him.
Oh, the stories I could tell you about this place.
Absolutely dripping with memories. Literally dripping. Throw that towel away.
Anyway, I’ll let you get on. Ta-ra.
[sighs]
All right, Brian?
Mustn’t grumble.
Here to see James?
Where is the little bugger?
He’s in the bath, but come in.
Oy.
[James] What?
All right, boy?
Mum?
[June] What, love?
I’m having a bath.
Good boy.
Bloody steamy in here, innit?
Yeah. Told him he has it too hot. Bad for his testicles.
Makes you sterile.
Ah. Do you mind?
Yeah, they do look red, mate.
Oh, yeah. Put a bit of cold on them, James.
Can we stop talking about my bloody testicles? They’re fine.
Some cake, Brian?
Oh, yes, please. Thank you.
James?
I’m having a fucking bath!
Is that a yes or a no? [laughs]
What kind of cake?
Chocolate gateau with crumbled Flakes on top.
Mm.
Yes, then, please.
I’ve gotta get my own place.
Why?
Why?
Living the dream, mate. Wish I had a woman bringing me cake in the bath.
[James] Not your mum though.
I’m not needed here anymore. Mum’s got Lenny.
I’m just a big, fat lump taking up space.
And your mum shouldn’t be telling you off for ruining your testicles in the bath.
You can move in with me if you want.
Really? Do you have a spare room?
Yeah, if you can get in there.
What do you mean if I can get in it?
It’s full of shit.
You know what?
Let’s do it.
Time for me to become a man.
Will you help me break the news to my mum?
Hmm.
Let’s see.
Interesting.
What?
Strong, confident, determined on the outside.
But on the inside, you’re vulnerable and sensitive.
You’re lonely.
It’s tough, isn’t it? Being a strong woman in a man’s world.
You feel you’ve lost a little of yourself, and you see needing comfort as a weakness they’ll pounce on.
So you deny you need it.
But you do need it, dear.
Everyone does.
[sentimental music playing]
Mum.
Yeah?
I’ve got something to tell you.
Oh, I’ve known for ages, darling.
What?
Oh, sorry, what were you gonna say?
Okay, um, so I think it’s time for me to fly the nest.
Brian’s got a spare room. I’m gonna move in with him.
Okay. Well, I’ll help you move in tomorrow, then.
Tomorrow?
Yeah.
Great.
I will go and get dressed, then.
Yeah.
Aw.
I know.
I’ll put a snooker table in his room.
It won’t fit, will it?
Just a little one.
[Ken] You’ve got the lock on!
Yeah, I’m in bed.
It’s Ken.
Yeah, I guessed that.
[Ken] I’ve had an idea for a new showbiz gossip piece called Careless Whispers.
Okay. Tell me tomorrow.
Yeah, it’s basically a list of all the people I know who claim they’ve wanked off George Michael.
[sighs] Okay. I’m going to sleep.
[Ken] Good idea though, isn’t it?
Yeah.
[Ken] Yeah. Night night.
Yeah, night, Ken!
[Ken] What?
Night, Ken!
[Ken] Yeah, all right.
See you tomorrow.
See ya.
See you.
Don’t bother getting up.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Cheers.
Bye.
Bye.
[door closes]
♪ Oh, lay me down gently ♪
♪ Oh, lay me down low ♪
♪ I fear I am broken ♪
♪ And won’t mend, I know ♪
♪ There’s one things when ♪
♪ The stars light the skies ♪
[whimpers]
♪ Who now will sing me lullabies? ♪
[toy squeaks]
♪ Oh, now who will sing me lullabies? ♪
[laughs] Is that a new toy?
[toy squeaks]
[Lisa] I’m doing your accounts!
[Tony] I would never get bored with this.
Unless I was working.
Yeah.
[Tony] Then it’d be annoying.
Yeah. It is annoying.
[Tony laughs]
Can you take the squeaker out?
[Tony] No, look at her.
♪ Oh, angels in heaven ♪
Hello.
♪ Don’t you care for me at all? ♪
♪ You’ve heard my heart breaking ♪
Squeak it.
Squeak it.
♪ For it rang through the skies ♪
Oh! [laughs]
♪ So why won’t you sing me lullabies? ♪
♪ Oh, why won’t you sing me ♪
Lullabies? ♪
[Tony] Bedtime.
♪ I lay here ♪
♪ I’m weeping ♪
♪ For the stars, they have come ♪
♪ I lay here not sleeping ♪
♪ Now the long night has begun ♪
♪ The man in the moon ♪
♪ Oh, he can’t help but cry ♪
♪ There’s no one to sing me lullabies ♪
♪ Oh, there’s no one to sing me ♪
♪ Lullabies ♪
♪ So lay me down gently ♪
