Written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber, the film stars Dwayne Johnson as an FBI agent who reluctantly teams up with a renowned art thief (Ryan Reynolds) in order to catch an up-and-coming criminal (Gal Gadot).
* * *
[wind blowing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[narrator] Though many know the tragic love story of Antony and Cleopatra, the wayward Roman general who fell madly in love with the enchanting Egyptian queen, both of them taking their lives rather than face a world without each other, few know the secret story of the most sought-after prize and unsolved puzzle of their time.
The mystery of Cleopatra’s third egg.
On their wedding day, as a symbol of his undying devotion, Mark Antony presented Cleopatra with three bejeweled eggs, each one more exquisite than the last.
For centuries, these eggs were thought to be nothing more than myth, rumor.
But then, in 1907, just outside of Cairo, a local farmer unearthed two of them.
Some say the third egg was never found.
Others claim it was discovered, but just as quickly lost, never to be seen again.
Join us as we explore that very question.
What happened to Cleopatra’s lost egg?
Who may hold it in their possession?
And most importantly, will we ever see the day in which all three eggs are reunited for the first time in over 2,000 years?
Cleopatra’s first egg is on display for all to see at the world-famous Museo Nazionale di Castel Sant’Angelo in Rome.
The second egg has been sold at auction numerous times and currently is held in a private collection.
[dramatic music playing]
[machinery whirring]
[tires screeching]
[siren blaring]
[brakes screeching]
[indistinct chatter]
You’re not a cop.
You’re right, I’m not.
You know what I mean, Agent. Your badge is no good here.
So no American cowboy stuff.
Don’t worry. Left my chaps at home.
You sure about this?
I know how he thinks. He’s gonna do it today. Trust me.
All right, then, here we go.
[woman speaking Italian]
[man in English] Impossible.
I’m not asking.
You need to shut the museum down, evacuate your visitors, and seal all ingress and egress points immediately.
And Interpol has the authority to compel me to do so?
Don’t test me, Director.
You should listen to her.
And who are you? Her bodyguard?
This is Special Agent John Hartley of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit.
He’s a consulting profiler who specializes in art crime.
You don’t look like a profiler.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Forty-one hours ago, Agent Hartley received credible intelligence that the most wanted art thief in the world, a man named Nolan Booth, intends to steal the Egg of Cleopatra today.
Who provided you this information?
The Bishop.
You cannot be serious.
My dear, The Bishop is nothing more than a boogeyman story in the art world.
It’s a catch-all concept. It’s someone to blame when you and your friends in law enforcement are too incompetent to solve the case.
Listen to me, unless we stop it, that egg is gonna be stolen today.
In fact, it may already be gone.
[guard speaking Italian]
[regal musical flourish]
[in English] Already gone, you say?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Inspector, I believe I owe your supervisor a call.
Do you have thermal sensors in this room?
Of course we do.
Show it to me.
[director] You’re wasting our time.
What, may I ask, are you looking for?
Well, you see, Cleopatra’s first egg is covered in 18-karat gold.
And gold reflects radiation.
That egg should be reflecting the heat in this room.
It should be red, not blue.
It’s probably just an error in the thermal sensor.
Well, there’s only one way to find out.
Hey, sorry, big man, but there’s no food or drink in the museum.
Thank you.
No, no, wait a moment. What do you think you’re doing?
[woman] Relax, it’s fine. He knows what he’s doing.
[crowd murmuring]
[crowd gasping]
[sizzling]
Seal the room. Now!
[alarm blaring]
[people exclaiming]
[dramatic music playing]
[people screaming]
Move! Move!
He’s heading for the exit.
[grunts]
[breathing heavily]
[in Italian]
[motor whirring]
[breathing heavily]
Oh.
[device emitting high-pitched sound]
Freeze!
[people screaming]
[people shouting]
[panting]
[both panting]
[guard 1 in Italian] He is here. Send reinforcements.
[panting]
[guard 1 speaking Italian]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[gasps]
[guard grunts]
[screaming]
[grunts]
[both grunting]
[guard 2 grunts]
He’s on the scaffolding.
We’re gonna need more… [grunts]
[screaming]
[groans]
[screams, grunts]
[both grunting]
[screams]
[grunts]
[scaffolds rumbling]
[guards exclaiming]
[screams]
[chuckling] Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah. [tuts]
[in English] Jesus, you scared me. [chuckles]
I know you. You’re the… You’re the slow bald guy that’s been chasing me.
What do you got in the bag?
You’re American. What brings you to Rome?
Gelato, the Colosseum.
Oh, it’s beautiful. Beautiful place.
Yeah.
First time?
Yep.
[Booth] That was a fun foot chase, right? Lots of twists and turns. Hijinks.
Who knew it’d end up like this?
I did.
Right.
Fun’s over, Nolan Booth. Give me the bag, turn around, put your hands behind your back. You’re under arrest.
Okay. Well, hold on one sec. I just have two questions.
Okay. Um…
First question, where’d you get that jacket?
It’s a statement piece.
Somewhere there is a very nude cow whispering…
[whispers] … “Worth it.”
And number two, on the whole arresting me thing, I totally get it.
You know, baby did a bad, bad thing. Yeah.
But you don’t happen to have, like, a badge or somethin’ tucked away in the turtleneck, do you?
I don’t need to show you my badge because I’ve got a gun.
Here’s the thing. You’re putting me in a pickle.
Without identification, how do I know who you are?
For all I know, you could be the bad guy, and I could be the other bad guy.
You’re right. I am the bad guy.
Now shut up and give me the bag before I shoot you in the mouth.
I’m gonna give this to you.
[Hartley] Good.
Yeah, I’m just gonna give it to you ’cause I don’t even want it.
For the record, none of this feels good.
Booth, don’t move!
[Hartley grunts]
[dramatic music playing]
[both grunt]
[both groaning]
[both grunting]
[Booth] Whoa!
[grunts, groaning]
[woman panting]
Come on, let’s go.
[grunts]
[grunting]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[people exclaiming]
[all exclaiming]
[man speaking Italian]
What the hell?
[groans]
[man shouting]
Where are you going?
Asshole!
[panting]
[in English] Can you hold on to this for me?
Thanks.
[sputtering]
[man shouting in Italian]
[engine roaring]
[rock music playing]
[engine accelerating]
[man shouting]
[brakes screeching]
[grunts]
[crowd groaning]
[ice cream truck music playing]
[in Italian] What the hell? You idiot! Are you blind?
[in English] Shit. [grunts]
[man shouting in Italian]
[car horns honking]
[sighs]
[jazz music playing]
[door lock beeps]
[door beeps]
[Hartley in English] Nice place you got here.
[gulps]
Special Agent John Hartley, FBI. We met earlier.
Aren’t you a little outside your jurisdiction?
I am.
Good thing these guys aren’t.
[man shouts]
[guns cocking]
Wow!
Hi, guys. Don’t take your shoes off or anything.
You sure you brought enough guns?
What can I say? I like to be thorough.
[Booth] No way, José.
The intrepid Inspector Das.
[scoffs]
I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. I’ll take that. Thank you.
It’s nice to meet a fan.
[Das] Oh, that’s cute.
You wanna know what else is cute?
Because you’re wanted in 18 separate countries, I get to choose which one of them detains you until trial, given your escape history.
What are you, six for six now?
Yeah. One more and I get a Shawshank jacket.
Keep making your jokes because I’m about to send you to the worst place in the world.
Your Instagram account?
You know, I’m really starting to not like you.
Oh, come on!
Not like me? You don’t even know me.
We could have a lot in common.
[scoffs] Maybe I don’t know you, but I’ve been building a profile on you, ever since you stole William Strang’s Lady with a Red Hat from the Tate back in 2014.
You can’t prove that was me.
I got that on Etsy.
I’ve been tracking your scores for a while.
So let me take a crack at who I think you really are.
Sure thing. Yeah.
Only child.
Mmm-hmm.
[Hartley] Dad’s a Swiss cop, Mom’s an American professor.
You started stealing between the ages of six and eight.
You found out you had a real talent for it.
It made you feel special, different.
You like to work alone. You don’t like a team.
The only jobs you take are the ones that make the big, splashy headlines, which tells me that you only do it for the thrill and not the money.
Are you insane? I love the money.
I’m not done yet. I’m just getting to the good part.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
A lot of thieves out there who claim to only do it for the money.
That’s not unusual.
But what is unusual is the risk that you take.
The chances.
It’s as though you wanna get caught so you can escape, just to prove yourself all over again, and prove that you’re better than everybody else and that you’re worthy.
Worthy of what? This speech?
Your father’s love.
Congratulations.
How’d you find me?
Well, the same way I knew that you were gonna steal the egg in Rome.
[whispers] The Bishop.
[whispers] The Bishop.
[normally] Get him ready to move.
[police radio chatter]
Booth, I’m curious.
How does it feel to be sold out by the most wanted art thief in the world?
I’m the most wanted art thief in the world.
You were.
[Das] Wait. Wait here.
There’s no chance I’m putting that thing in the same van as him.
See you at the airfield.
I’ll see you there.
[suspenseful music playing]
[car engines starting]
[officer speaking Indonesian] [alarm buzzing]
[in English] Door open.
[sighs]
All right. We’re good.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you.
Hi, there.
You leaving town?
[Hartley] Flight’s in an hour.
Something up?
You could say that. Hmm.
Okay. What’s going on?
[chuckles] Funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing.
What are you doing with that?
Oh, this priceless piece of ancient cultural whatnot?
[gasps]
[dramatic music playing]
Oops!
Booth gave us a fake egg.
I’ll admit, Booth was my first thought too.
Then I asked myself, “How well do you really know someone you only met 72 hours ago?”
And someone whose official credentials came solely by a written interagency communiqué.
So I called up the Assistant Director of the BAU at Quantico, really nice lady.
She’d never heard of you.
That’s impossible.
[Das] Is it?
Yes, it’s impossible.
As impossible as a John Hartley with a Swiss bank account that received an $8 million wire transfer from an encrypted third-party on the same day the egg was stolen?
Quite a coincidence, wouldn’t you say, Agent?
[officer 1 shouting in Italian]
[officer 2 over radio] We have eyes on target.
Listen, whatever you think this is, whatever you think I did, I didn’t do.
Someone’s behind this. The Bishop, maybe even Booth himself.
I’m being set up.
Maybe you are, maybe you’re not.
Until I figure it out, I’m gonna keep you where I can find you.
Now, normally, I’m not a vindictive person, but, well, I trusted you and you hurt my feelings.
So I picked some place extra special.
It’s a bit of a black site. Kind of the land due process forgot.
You’re under arrest, Agent Hartley.
Das, look at me. Look at my eyes.
I didn’t do this.
I don’t believe you.
[ominous music playing]
[inmates shouting indistinctly]
[inmates laughing]
You a top or a bottom? [grunts]
Doesn’t matter. Prison’s gonna decide for us.
You gotta be shittin’ me.
[Booth] Well, I’ll say one thing about ol’ Inspector Das, she’s got a real sense of humor.
Put ‘er there, roomie.
You’re right, we should wash up first.
It’s okay. You’re safe here.
Except if they find out you’re a cop. Then they’re gonna wanna kill you.
[alarm buzzing]
[indistinct chatter]
[Booth] Bishop must have seen you coming from a mile away.
Got your trust after selling me out.
Can’t run a con without gaining the mark’s trust first, that’s page one.
I know how a confidence scheme works, trust me.
[Booth] Well, you do now, that’s for sure.
The same mystery thief who ratted me out is the same one who framed you.
That seems like a coincidence, don’t you think?
This is not a coincidence. This is a plan.
In one move, The Bishop took out her lead competitor and lead investigator.
Two birds, one stone.
Egg.
What?
Two birds, one egg.
It’s kind of a lay-up. Even Post Malone gets it.
This is farm-to-table, right? Thank you.
I don’t understand why.
Why would The Bishop go to the trouble of framing me when she already has the egg?
I mean, what’s left?
Three hundred million dollars?
You’re kidding. I never heard of a price tag like that.
No one has.
But you don’t understand, that’s not the price for just one egg.
Here’s the deal.
Whoever brings this Egyptian billionaire all three eggs by the night of his daughter’s wedding gets all the marbles.
Turns out, Mr. Big Daddy Big Bucks’ daughter, guess what her name is?
Stop guessing, it’s Cleopatra.
I mean, these people are horrible. But I like money, so…
So how does that work?
No one knows where the third egg is. It’s never been found.
I’m not gonna lie, that’s a bit of a problem.
I was gonna deal with the second egg first.
Then the rest.
[sighs] All right, well, Bureau intel says that the second egg is owned by an international arms dealer.
Sotto Voce. I know all about this guy.
His dad tried to strangle him when he was 14.
Nobody can stand this son of a bitch. [chuckles]
Apparently, it left quite the impression on him.
And strangling folks became sort of a hobby for him.
He’s a big fan.
[man choking]
[Booth] Sotto Voce is super scary.
But he’s not above having a good time.
Throws a masquerade party every year for his top buyers in his I-probably-have-a-tiny-penis villa in Valencia.
Gunrunners are a little touchy about their identity.
So the Eyes Wide Shut thing takes the edge off for everyone.
Now, what none of these evil one-percenters know is that upstairs, locked away in a secret vault, Dr. Shirtless has in his possession an ancient piece of pricelessness that I like to call…
Cleopatra’s second egg.
And it’s just begging for me to steal it.
I’d be on my way there right now if you weren’t such a super cop.
Don’t do that.
[whispers] What?
Don’t do that.
[whispers] Do what?
I know what you’re doing. Listen.
[whispers] I’m not doing anything.
[whispering] These guys here, if they find out you’re a C-O-P…
This is a room full of convicted murderers and toilet vodka enthusiasts.
We gotta make sure they know you’re not a cop.
[yelling] Nyet politsiya.
[in English] Listen to me. I beg…
Guys? Nyet politsiya. Not a cop.
This man is not a cop, all right?
Get that through your thick skulls right now!
He’s a profiler for the FBI, which does fall under the umbrella of law enforcement, but not a cop.
It’s similar, but it’s not the same thing. It’s a complicated backstory.
This is our good friend, Special Agent John Hartley.
Let’s give him a warm welcome to the prison, guys.
[prisoner 1 clears throat]
[prisoner 2 coughs]
Thank you, guys. [whispering] I don’t think anyone heard me. We’re good.
All’s quiet on the western front.
Nobody’s… Oh, no.
[objects clattering]
[Booth] Yep. Drago Grande heard. Here he comes.
[whispering] Okay, be cool. Don’t embarrass me.
[normally] Hello, sir.
Politsiya.
You die.
[whispering] Okay, he knows.
He knows you’re a cop.
The jig is up.
[all exclaiming]
[whispering] It’s okay.
You can…
You can have mine. You need some nourishment.
[all exclaiming]
[whispering] You should get up. You look like a little bitch right now.
I say that as a friend.
[Hartley sighs]
Okay, look.
I don’t wanna do the whole prison fight thing with you…
[soft] You got this. I’m in your corner.
So please, no fight.
Let’s just go back and finish our meals.
[both grunting]
[grunts, groans]
[all cheering]
No. No…
[guard in Russian] Back to your cell!
[Booth in English] God…
All that working out.
You still get your ass spanked by a toothless man with tuberculosis…
Okay. Okay.
If you ever pull shit like that again, it’ll be the last thing you do.
Right.
You don’t know me, Booth.
No.
You have no idea what I’m capable of.
Okay. Thank God, you’re here.
[in Russian] The captain wants to see you.
Let’s go!
[in English] Him?
Oh, no, us. Okay.
[Booth sighs]
Hello, boys.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
You’re the captain?
You might benefit from a little career change. [chuckles]
I mean, I’m… I don’t think runway, but definitely regional catalog work, fliers…
She’s The Bishop.
No shit, dipdick!
It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Booth.
Such a thrill to be face-to-face with the second-best art thief in the world.
Oh, I see what you did there. That’s… [chuckles]
Yeah, you got lucky a couple of times early on, you know?
But you can’t name one time in the past year that you beat me.
Helsinki.
My parachute failed.
Jakarta.
My Segway sank.
Macau.
Nobody knew that Miley Cyrus was going to be there.
It was a completely unannounced show.
You can have excuses or results.
[whispers] Not both.
[scoffs]
What are we doing here? What do you want?
To have a chat.
First of all, Agent Hartley, please accept my sincerest apologies for the whole mix-up in Rome.
You see, after I stole the egg in Bali, I then made an $8 million deposit into an account registered in your name.
Then, all I had to do was sit back and wait for Das to take the bait.
[cell phone ringing]
A few clever keystrokes and a well-timed call intercept.
[The Bishop] FBI BAU Director’s office.
And poof. [gasps]
[mockingly] Bye-bye, Agent John Hartley.
Hello, suspicious suspect.
Funny, don’t you think?
[laughing]
Shut up. You deleted my life.
And now I’m stuck in a cell with this idiot.
Well, down to business then.
At the risk of stating the obvious, I have the first egg in my possession, and in less than 48 hours, I’m gonna have the second one as well.
But that leaves an issue. The final egg.
Well, too bad for you. Nobody knows where the third egg is.
He didn’t tell you?
You didn’t tell him?
Didn’t tell me what?
I don’t know what she’s talking about.
Your cellmate here knows exactly where the third egg is.
She’s lying. I do not know where the third egg is. I swear to God.
[Booth] I know where the third egg is. I swear to God.
Yes, that is me. Scratch that. That was me. I did say that.
When were you gonna tell me about the third egg?
I was never gonna tell you about the third egg because you’re a cop.
[The Bishop] My offer to you, Mr. Booth, is this.
Tell me where the third egg is, I’ll get you out of here and give you 10%.
Rock-hard pass.
I’m sorry we couldn’t do business.
Well, perhaps a few more days in here with the prospect of thousands more to come will help change your mind. [chuckles]
I’ll stop by once I have the second egg.
Oh, and when I do, the offer’s gonna be 5%.
[in Russian] Thank you, Captain. Labor detail for them both.
[in English] Bye. Don’t miss me too much.
Ta-ta!
Oh, hey, guys. [chuckles] Okay!
[Hartley] If we work together to catch her, I can do things to The Bishop you can’t do.
[Booth] There’s no need to be disgusting.
[both grunting]
Here we go. Three, two, one. Lift with your neck.
I mean put her in prison. For life.
When that happens, guess who becomes number one art thief in the world again?
Teamwork? It feels weird in my mouth.
Are you carrying your side?
I’m offended you’d even ask me that.
[grunting]
Do something. It’s slipping.
Oh, relax, baldylocks.
[grunts]
See? Teamwork.
Team. Team. Team. [chuckling] It feels weird in my mouth.
It does.
Say what you will about Russian prisons, the soap is incredible.
Are we doing this together or not?
No added chemicals or perfumes.
It’s just pure good ol’ fashioned glycerin.
Ooh. Smell it.
I’m not gonna smell it.
Sotto Voce’s masquerade ball is tomorrow night, which means, if we’re gonna beat The Bishop to the second egg,
we have to be on the other side of these walls by tomorrow morning.
I already know how I’m gonna steal it.
It’ll take adjustment now The Bishop’ll be there, but I’ll beat her to the punch.
“I”? What about “we”?
Why are you wearing the hairnet? You’re bald.
Okay, fine. You can be my plus-one to Sotto Voce’s party.
[Hartley] Thanks. Clock’s tickin’. We gotta get outta here. What’s the plan?
[Booth] I’m working on it.
You’re working on it? You sound like you’re working on it.
They say the most important part of any plan is a good night’s sleep.
Isn’t the actual plan part the most important part of the plan?
A lotta people make that mistake.
Back in Bali, that thing you said, about me and my father, how’d you know?
I hate to break it to you, but you’re not a complex case.
The one thing that doesn’t quite line up for me is how the son of a Swiss police captain turns to a life of high crime.
Short version?
My father was a prolific asshole.
Long version?
When I was eight years old, my dad thought I stole his watch.
He loved that piece of metal more than anything.
He asked me if I stole it. I told him I didn’t.
He said he knew that I had and that I was lying.
He didn’t speak to me again after that.
Not on Christmas. Not on my birthday.
He went almost a full year, just utter silence.
Like I didn’t even exist.
Then one night, he…
He comes home and he sits down at the dinner table…
And there it is.
There’s the watch, the missing watch, right there on his wrist.
Found out later that he put it in his desk at work and it got buried behind some papers or something like that.
But he never apologized. He just, uh…
He just looked me in the eye and said, “How was your day at school?”
Then he kept askin’, “How was your day at school?”
And I never answered him.
I just stared at him. I didn’t eat. I didn’t drink.
Next week, I found myself in boarding school.
[snoring]
Really?
[laughing]
[inhales] I’m kidding.
Hey.
I’m sorry about all that.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it’s all right. [sniffs]
You learn a valuable lesson, you know?
It doesn’t matter what you do, only matters what they think you’ve done.
How about your old man?
I don’t talk about him.
[Booth chuckles]
That bad, huh?
[suspenseful music playing]
[Booth] Good news.
I slept like a baby after our little therapy session last night.
Better news, I’ve got our escape plan down to a simple three-step process.
All right, I’ll bite. What’s the first step?
[whistles] Create a distraction.
With soap?
You know what happens when you mix soap, which is pure glycerin, with a cleaning solution that’s essentially nitric acid?
You get nitroglycerin.
You get nitroglycerin.
We should run.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
[machine whirring rapidly]
[man grunts]
[guards shouting in Russian]
[all grunting]
[screams]
[guard 1 grunts]
[guard 2 speaks Russian]
[grunting continues]
[all straining]
[all grunting]
[inmates clamoring]
[in English] It’s locked. We need a key card.
Step two, plan ahead.
Where’d you get that?
Nyet politsiya.
He’s not a cop!
[grunts]
[phone rings]
What’s the plan… Son of a bitch!
[in Russian] What? Understood.
[indistinct chatter on phone]
[in English] What are you doing? What’s step three?
[shushes]
[Booth] Step three…
Rock Jenga.
You first.
Thanks.
You’re welcome.
[in Russian] Get back!
[gun cocking]
This way.
They’re outside the walls. Secure the perimeter.
[guards exclaiming in Russian]
[Hartley grunting]
[Booth exclaiming]
[breathing heavily]
[in English] Thank you. [panting]
[breathing heavily]
Okay. Okay.
Can you fly a helicopter?
Does the back of your head look like a huge penis?
The answer is yes!
[Russian pop music playing]
Oh, that’s fun. This is my best friend.
[guard grunts]
We’re not friends.
We’re best friends.
[in Russian] They’re over here!
[in English] Go!
[grunts]
I can’t believe nobody saw that.
[guards shouting]
[in Russian] Here they are! Fire!
[guards continue shouting]
[Booth in English] Okay.
Oh.
That’s in Russian.
[guards speaking indistinctly]
[guards shout]
[in Russian] Go, he just has a pistol!
[guards speaking indistinctly]
[guard] The forklift!
[helicopter powering up]
[beeping]
[gasps]
[yelling]
[grunting]
[grunts, winces]
Huh.
[panting]
[grunting]
[guards speaking indistinctly]
[helicopter whirring]
[guards speaking indistinctly]
Uh-oh.
[guards yelling]
[in English] Son of a bitch.
[in Russian] Reload!
[in English] Shit.
[grunts]
Oh, you made it. Thank God!
[grunting]
I was praying for you.
Don’t give me that shit. You were gonna leave me?
You said, “Save yourself.”
I said, “Go,” but I didn’t mean without me.
You said, “Go save yourself.”
And I was gonna carry you with me in my heart like an eternal flame, you stupid complainer.
[alarm beeping]
[Booth] Why is that blinking?
[beeping intensifies]
[Booth] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Booth] Ooh! Incoming!
[Hartley grunts]
[panting]
[exclaiming in relief]
[triumphant music playing]
[exhales]
[Hartley panting]
See? Easy-peasy.
[The Bishop] I know it sounds like a tough childhood, but my father made me who I am today.
Maybe that’s my problem.
I’m so focused on winning all the time, on being the best at what I do, that I can never just fully relax and just be.
Is that normal?
[muffled] How the fuck would I know?
[The Bishop] What?
I’m not a therapist. I’m an intelligence analyst.
I’m sorry.
[sighs] I’m just dealing with a lot right now and you seemed like someone I could talk to.
And it’s so rare in my line of work to find someone who’s just there to listen.
Thank you.
Anyway, I’m sorry to rope you into all of this, but just using your terminal here to ensure that the origin point of my message is untraceable.
Best way to do it is from within the system itself.
They should really work on patching the security vulnerability.
It’s embarrassing.
Did you know that 99% of all tracking protocols focus on third-party movements? [scoffs]
No one ever expects the call to come from inside the house, as it were.
Hence, your computer, your office.
Oh. Here we go.
Just need to slow down my competition, such as they are.
I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today.
I’m gonna have to end our session here. Have a lovely day.
Freeze!
[grunts, groans]
[winces]
[sighs] See?
This is why we can’t have nice things.
‘Cause the moment I trust someone, they tap the foot alarm beneath their desk and then I’m forced to do things like this.
I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.
I really thought you were different.
Well, fool me once…
I’m gonna leave now and when he wakes up, you’re going to tell him that you triggered the alarm falsely and in his haste, he tripped coming through the door.
And if you decide not to do that, I want you to remember one critically important thing.
I know everyone you work with and every member of your family.
And I also know your browser history.
[clicks tongue]
[dramatic musical flourish]
[aircraft whooshing]
[triumphant music playing]
[both laughing]
Nolan.
Tambwe! Come on, bring it in.
[Tambwe] Oh.
I can’t thank you enough for this.
I’m just glad I could finally repay my debt to you.
And now I’m in yours.
[Tambwe laughs]
Come, everything is ready.
Alright.
I have juice boxes.
That’s very good.
Hey. Tambwe got us a costume change, so we can get out of these filthy duds.
Oh. I’m so sorry.
Tambwe, this is Agent John Hartley of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. It’s a funny story.
A lot of his colleagues have put a lot of your colleagues in prison.
It’s exciting.
No juice boxes for you.
[exhales]
Oh, I see.
Nice jacket, while I “Gotta dance.”
All right, man. Don’t even start with me, okay?
At least you’re comfortable.
Well, clearly you have this whole thing figured out.
You wanna walk me through it?
I do. Here’s the deal.
During the party, the guests and the staff are required to stay on the main floor, and upstairs, the door to the egg room, well, that’s locked and heavily guarded.
But there’s another way in. Hidden entrance.
Here’s what I’m thinkin’.
We dress up in matching black pajamas and sneak past the featured extras and into the bedroom.
Then, we slip through the study and get our hands on his precious.
Is that the egg?
[shushes]
I’m sorry.
You are amazing.
I know.
Wow.
Hey, dickhead.
Hmm?
Your last brilliant plan had some kinks in it.
Mmm-hmm.
So, what kinda security surveillance are we looking at?
Well, the guy’s an arms dealer, so, you know, every square inch of this place is gonna be on lock.
Two-man guard teams at every access point are signal rotated to keep them frosty.
Once they’re on the move, you only have 45 seconds until they land.
It’s a pretty tight window.
The eyes and ears are in a secure room in the west hall.
Eighty-seven motion-sensitive 8K cameras with an overlapping field of vision, so there are no natural blind spots.
They’re always watching, always listening.
Kinda like Alexa but with guns.
Now, here’s where things get a little tricky.
The vault door to the egg room is a military-grade, biometric portal made out of a foot and a half of solid titanium.
So you can’t drill it and you can’t make it go boom.
The only way through it is with facial and voice recognition.
And there’s only one face and one voice that opens it.
Sotto Voce.
How are we gonna get his voice and his facial?
Well, first off, a positive mental attitude helps.
But so does some pretty kick-ass deepfake technology.
Spooky, right?
If you have more than 12 images on the Internet, I can send your mom a video of you mouth-sexing a goat.
I’m not saying I’m gonna do that, I’m just saying I could if I wanted to.
If I had enough time and enough pictures.
[shutter clicking]
But wait, there’s more.
There’s also a 12-digit randomly-generated passcode that’s changed every six minutes, and that code can only be found in Sotto Voce’s phone, and Sotto Voce’s phone can only be found in Sotto Voce’s pants.
So, yeah, easy-peasy.
Oh, no, no, no! There’s one more thing. Kinda important.
We’re gonna need his thumbprint ’cause he never upgraded his iPhone -4, so…
So if we don’t get his thumbprint, we can’t get the egg.
Oh, my God.
You can learn. This is amazing.
You are not sparkly enough.
I’m gonna get you a matching vest to go with those pants.
[“Época” by Gotan Project playing]
[indistinct conversation]
[all laughing]
[Booth] Check, check. Roger Dodger. What’s your 20, free bird?
You don’t have to do that. I’m standing right next to you.
I’m not used to using these stupid things, and I’m not used to working with a partner.
We’re not partners. This is a marriage of convenience.
I want a divorce and I’m keeping the kids.
Let’s just do this.
I’ll get the thumbprint, you get Sotto Voce’s phone.
[singing in Spanish]
[indistinct chatter]
We’ve got a party crasher.
Yeah, it’s no biggie. No biggie. We knew she’d be here.
We’re here for the egg, not her.
Speak for yourself. I’m going in.
What are you doing? That’s not part of the plan.
Plans change.
[sighs]
Beautiful.
The sculpture, I mean.
[The Bishop chuckles]
I’m sorry, do we know each other?
It’s just impossible for me to tell who you are with that mask on.
How about now?
[gasps theatrically]
Agent Hartley!
So it was you all along.
Such a clever disguise.
Well, I suppose you and Mr. Booth, wherever he is, are here to try to beat me to the second egg.
Even the playing field.
Don’t tell her anything.
I’m not here for the egg. I’m here to clear my name, which means all I need is you.
You’re literally telling her everything.
We both know that this whole thing is gonna end with you in handcuffs.
Promises, promises.
[sighs]
Careful now. We don’t wanna cause a scene.
Don’t care. I’m not letting you out of my sight.
Oh, good, you’re dancing with her.
Not bad for a convict.
Speaking of which, how’s it going with your partner in crime?
Has he told you where the third egg is yet?
Well, if he did, I wouldn’t tell you.
That’s a no. He must not trust you.
You trust your partner?
[The Bishop] What makes you think I have one?
Well, no one would be able to pull off the scores you have alone.
It’s impossible.
[scoffs]
So what now?
You’re gonna arrest me right here, without a badge or a gun, outside of your jurisdiction, and in front of a room full of criminals?
Is that your plan, Agent Hartley?
[laughs]
Shit!
[Booth] Incoming! Got the print. Get the hell out of there.
Or perhaps you just didn’t think this all the way through.
You’re coming with me. Party’s over.
[Sotto Voce clears throat]
Watching you dance with this man at my party has made me quite jealous.
Well, I had to get your attention somehow.
Didn’t I?
May I?
Like you said, it’s your party.
Apologies.
We needed to get his phone, not waste time playing footsie with The Bishop.
Don’t worry. I got it.
Excuse me.
You’re kidding. Nice pull!
How’d you know Sotto Voce would cut in?
Well, Sotto Voce is a 5’5″ alpha male with textbook Napoleon complex.
So any time another male dances with the most desirable woman at his party, well, he has no choice but to step in and assert his dominance.
You sneaky little minx.
Where’d you learn that? Profiler school?
High school.
[song ends]
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my sincere pleasure to welcome you all to my humble home.
[crowd chuckle]
Now’s the time. He’s speechifying.
[Sotto Voce] My father was a man of conviction…
[Booth] Moving to two.
[Sotto’s speech continues indistinctly]
[both exclaim]
Oh! Terribly, terribly sorry, sir.
You imbecile!
Oh…
Don’t put your hands on me, peasant.
[in Spanish] I’m so sorry, sir. [in English] A thousand apologies.
I don’t need your apologies, I need a washroom.
Take him.
Right this way, sir.
[whispers] Let’s get you hosed down.
[Sotto Voce] This pistol was my father’s prized possession.
I’ve kept it close to my heart since the day I killed him with it.
I was never permitted to touch this as a boy.
[Booth] Right this way.
[Sotto Voce] It’s just like the one used by the Lone Ranger.
[in Spanish] Hey.
What’s going on there?
Someone spilled wine on a guest. They’re cleared.
[speech continues indistinctly]
Something’s off. I’m calling it in anyway.
Don’t be an idiot. You read too many spy novels. [scoffs]
[Sotto Voce in English] I miss you every day, Pop-Pop.
And in his immortal words, “The skilled hunter needs but one bullet.”
[guests gasp]
[guests cheering]
[guest] Bravo!
Enjoy your evening.
No, no, no, no, no.
We gotta go.
[Booth] Here we go, nice and easy.
[both grunt]
Oh, my God!
You’re like a well-dressed wall.
What are you doing?
Trying to ruin the mission.
Well, mission accomplished. Find the print.
God damn it!
Come on, come on, come on, you little bastard. Where are you?
Shit!
Gotcha.
Phone, phone, phone, phone.
Okay, it’s deepfake time.
Sotto Voce.
Right.
[in Spanish] I thought Mr. Voce was still at the party?
Send a team.
Security, we have a code red.
[Das in English] Hey!
You know, for a guy who claims he’s innocent, you sure do hang around with a lot of criminals.
I am innocent.
He’s a pretty damn good thief for his first time.
I’m not good at it.
[Booth] You are.
Don’t say that.
Don’t sell yourself short.
Shut up.
Hector Deflector over here.
He’s not good at taking a compliment.
I need you to understand, The Bishop is behind this entire thing.
She set me up.
Well, if this is all The Bishop’s doing and you really are innocent, prove it.
Go on, detain your friend.
We’re not friends.
We’re work wives.
We’re not work wives.
We’re sister wives.
We’re not any kind of wives.
Shut up! Both of you.
You either arrest him or I arrest you both.
What’s it gonna be, Agent Hartley?
I’m sorry, man.
Oh…
Oh, come on!
You’re under arrest.
You’re gonna listen?
After all we’ve been through together…
[whispers] You love me?
[whispers] I hate you.
[in normal voice] Tight enough? Jesus!
[sighs] See?
I’m a good guy.
But sometimes I do bad things.
[Hartley grunts]
[Booth grunts]
Hartley!
Let’s grab that egg and get out of here.
You don’t wanna talk about what just happened?
What you talking about?
We had a moment.
We didn’t have a moment.
No, we had a moment.
[regal music playing]
Looking for something specific or just browsing?
You look awful.
Hmm. You know, there was an easier way in, but I doubt very much that you could’ve managed it.
[Booth scoffs]
Now that I have two out of the three eggs, I’ll give you one last chance to take me up on my offer.
Well, here’s my counteroffer.
[The Bishop] Mm-hmm.
You’re under arrest.
Oh, my God.
Read the room.
I told you, this would end with you in handcuffs.
You’re so embarrassing. He’s so embarrassing.
Tell you what, Agent Hartley.
You wanna arrest me?
Come…
Arrest me.
I just want the egg. So, uh…
[choking]
[all grunting]
Take it easy.
This is easy.
[grunts]
[thuds]
[groaning]
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
[all grunting]
[The Bishop grunting]
[Booth groans]
[Hartley groans]
[Booth shrieks]
[The Bishop grunts]
Sir, we have a problem in the vault room.
Excuse me.
[grunting continues]
[sighs]
[groans]
[grunting continues]
[both grunt]
[both groaning]
Bro, I didn’t… I didn’t see the handcuffs coming.
Mm, was a nice touch.
God, this is such a confusing erection.
You can’t ever tell anybody about this.
[Booth] I’ll never tell anybody. Promise.
[Hartley] Okay.
[footsteps approaching]
[Booth] Okay.
Oh, whoa, hold on, hold on. No, don’t shoot.
I’m not trying to be a tattletale. We didn’t steal your egg, okay?
I mean, we tried.
But she got it.
[Hartley] He’s telling you the truth.
Is that so?
Thank you. Oh. All right.
Would you like to make a confession, my lady?
It’s a pleasure doing business with you.
I told you they’d come.
[laughing] Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What the f…
[crowd cheering]
[man speaking indistinctly over speakers]
[both gasping]
Good morning, gentlemen.
[both breathing heavily]
Down here, beneath the bulls, no one will hear your screams.
[exhales] That’s called foreshadowing.
I know what it’s called.
Was making sure.
You don’t look like an English major.
Shut up.
Buongiorno, everybody!
Perfect!
[sing-song] I brought champagne.
I would introduce you, but I believe you’ve already met my lovely business associate.
[Booth] Yes.
I told you The Bishop was working with somebody.
It’s a marriage of convenience.
You’re familiar with that concept, aren’t you?
You see, the dashing Mr. Voce here already held the second egg in his possession.
So, I approached him with my own offer, which brings us to the part where you tell us where the third egg is.
[both laugh]
Piss off for a thousand years.
Oh, bummer. I really wanted to do it the easy way.
That’s okay. I’ll get the information from you by hurting him.
I’m sorry, what?
I love this plan.
[The Bishop] You two share a special bond.
Otherwise, why would you risk your lives together attempting to steal the egg?
Isn’t that right, Agent Hartley?
There is no bond between us. I barely know the guy.
Booth, tell her we’re not friends.
She knows about us, pal.
That’s bullshit.
She knows about our special bond, that you were my best man.
Son of a bitch. He’s lying.
If she hurts you bad enough, if she gets really creative with it, I’m gonna have no choice but to tell her everything.
Now, Mr. Booth, where is the third egg?
Okay, here I go.
[lazily] No, don’t. Wait.
[electricity buzzing]
[screaming]
[breathing heavily]
Oh, my God!
[chuckles]
Well…
[Hartley] No.
I guess now we find out what kind of friend you really are, Mr. Booth, because we’re gonna go to my favorite place.
♪ Downtown ♪
No.
♪ Things will be great ♪
No. Don’t…
♪ When you’re downtown ♪
♪ Things will be great ♪
[groaning]
[breathing heavily]
[chuckles]
Enough games, my love.
If you want to make him talk, this is how you get him to talk.
Why is your shirt off?
Why is his shirt off?
I don’t know.
Sometimes the old ways are the best. Excuse me, darling.
There, there, Special Agent Hartley.
[yells]
Look! Look at your friend.
The egg. Now!
[labored breathing]
Booth, please.
Okay, stop, stop. I’ll tell you, all right?
It’s in Egypt.
[The Bishop] Where in Egypt?
[Booth] There’s a hidden chamber in the Great Pyramid.
Lidar discovered it a year ago. They haven’t opened it yet.
How do you know the egg is there?
My mother was an Egyptologist.
I could read hieroglyphics before I could read English.
That hidden chamber is the secret tomb of Cleopatra.
They buried the third egg there when the other two went missing.
The scans show it sitting there plain as day.
The third egg never left Egypt.
He’s not lying. I read about the chamber.
Was that so hard?
Shall we celebrate?
[Sotto Voce chuckles]
[cork pops]
To the end of our business.
And the beginning of our pleasure.
[glass shatters]
[crowd cheers]
I mean…
Oh, come on.
You didn’t see that coming, amateur hour?
Guard!
I don’t know what happened. We were just having a glass of champagne when all of the sudden he fell.
[guard grunts]
And scene.
Long con?
Long con.
You know, lady, I’m really starting to not like you.
Now I’d really love to stay and see how this whole thing turns out, but I’m late for a date with a very large pyramid.
Can’t wait to see what happens next.
So exciting!
♪ Downtown ♪
♪ Things will be great When you’re downtown ♪
She’s a good singer.
You should have took that deal when she offered it to you in prison.
Well, you shouldn’t have got us caught by her boyfriend.
Oh, how did I get us caught by her boyfriend?
Well, if you don’t know that, then you really are dumber than I look.
[screams]
Jesus! That’s really scary.
[groaning]
[Booth, distorted] Oh, you look busted. You look like a zombie.
You did this.
This is your fault. She was mine.
[Booth] Honey, honey, honey, homegirl is a hard ten.
And you look like…
Like a muscular toddler.
I don’t think it was gonna work.
The height difference and…
Oh, shit.
[grunting]
[gun cocks]
[Booth] Whoa, whoa. Hold on.
Let’s talk about this. [screaming]
John, you hit?
[Hartley] No, surprisingly not.
[Booth] What? How is that possible?
[gun clicks]
[both grunt]
[sputtering] How did you get free?
He shot the cuff.
He hit something?
Lucky shot.
We’re gonna get out of here.
We’re really gonna do it.
Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, where are you goin’? We’re partners.
Oh, we’re partners now? No, our partnership ended when you let The Bishop go all shock therapy on me.
You’re not gonna find The Bishop. Not without me.
I got a pretty good idea where she’s going because of you.
So, goodbye.
I lied.
I lied.
What do you mean, “you lied”?
I lied about everything. All of it. That whole thing.
I lied to you, I lied to her, I lied to Baby Jesus.
All of ’em.
Look, the point is, is that the third egg isn’t in Egypt.
Right. I don’t give a shit about the egg.
I care about arresting The Bishop and clearing my name.
Right. But you won’t get to The Bishop unless you get to the egg.
And I know where the egg is.
Just get me out of here.
I’ll get the egg and you’ll get The Bishop.
Come on!
[softly] Pretty please?
Thoughts?
[crowd cheering]
You hear that?
[yells]
[breathing heavily]
Hey, hey, hey.
Up here.
We’ll disappear into the crowd. We’ll be home free.
[ominous music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
[bellows]
Oh, shit!
I think we’re gonna get out of here.
[exclaims] Shit!
No, no. Don’t move. Don’t move.
Why?
Bulls have terrible eyesight. But they can sense motion.
You’re thinking of Jurassic Park.
No! I saw a nature documentary starring David Attenborough.
You’re thinking of Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park.
[all yelling in Spanish]
Vámonos. Vámonos. They’re telling me to run.
If you run, you die.
[snorting]
All right, yes or no, was Jeff Goldblum in it?
Oh, my God! It was Jurassic Park. That’s Jeff Goldblum.
Asshole!
[bull snorts]
[grunts]
[groans]
[crowd gasps]
[Booth] Run, run, run, run, run or you will die!
[bellowing]
A-ha… [grunts]
[crowd cheering]
Ah.
Thank you!
What’s your problem?
Don’t run?
Don’t run?
[Booth] You gonna be this grumpy the whole trip?
Wait till you see our ride. You’re gonna love it.
This is fun, isn’t it?
Riding the rails hobo-style.
You ever see, um, uh, Sullivan’s Travels?
No, I haven’t.
And no, it’s not, all right? Cough it up.
Where are we headed? Where’s the third egg?
All right, fine.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I can’t tell you.
What do you mean, you can’t tell me?
It’s not so much of a “can’t,” it’s more of a “won’t.”
[exclaims]
Take me to the third egg, Booth.
[train horn blowing]
You wanna do it?
[suspenseful music playing]
Do it.
You can’t, can you?
‘Cause even though you’re running around with me, playing the thief, you’re not a real bad guy, Bubba.
[suspenseful music builds]
[Booth screams]
Let’s get something straight right now.
That was terrifying.
Look, it’s not that I don’t care about you.
It’s that I don’t care about anyone.
My dad was a crook.
A con man, actually.
[emotional music playing]
He was the best.
Then on my 13th birthday, he didn’t show up.
My mom and I never saw him again.
Wow.
We really got some dads, huh?
It’s a miracle we’re not both strippers.
[chuckles] Yeah.
[chuckles]
Look, your dad was a cop, so you became a crook.
My dad was a crook, so I became a cop.
We’re not that different.
I’m not asking you to care about me, Booth.
I’m asking you to help me.
Help me catch The Bishop and clear my name, and I will help you become the number one art thief in the world again.
It’s the only chance I have to get my life back.
Please.
April, 1945.
The Red Army’s at the gate, days from taking Berlin.
It’s game over for the Nazis, and that’s when a forgotten Mr. Nobody named Rudolph Zeich, Hitler’s personal art and antiquities dealer, and the only man ever rumored to have held Cleopatra’s third egg in his hands, hopped a steamer ship and fled Germany for Argentina.
The manifest shows he traveled with just a single suitcase.
Oh, and sixteen five-ton cargo containers logged only as holding machine parts.
Now, why would an art dealer leave his patron’s side and travel halfway around the globe, with nearly 100 tons of so-called machine parts?
For 70 years, amateur sleuths, treasure hunters, and adult virgins everywhere became obsessed with this question, obsessed with finding what they believed had to be Hitler’s lost bunker, hidden somewhere in South America.
And my dad was one of them.
He’d spend weekends holed up in his office, poring over old maps and declassified files.
Holidays, he’d drive hours away to obscure auctions, where he’d bid on the strangest things.
Including a watch.
And not just any watch. Creepy Nazi art guy Rudolph Zeich’s watch.
That same watch my father chose to love more than me.
What a dick.
Never wanted anything to do with his treasure hunt, even after he passed.
That was my father’s thing, and he could have it.
But when I discovered what was inside it, I knew right then that I held in my hand the secret to the third egg’s location.
[Hartley] Booth, you’ve had me traveling for three days and hiking in circles for eight hours.
That map better be right.
[Booth] Relax, we’ll find it.
[Hartley] Say we find it.
How can you be sure the egg is actually there?
[Booth] What do you mean?
I get that Rudolph the red-nosed Nazi guy is rumored to be the last person to ever hold the egg in his hands, and that this mystery bunker is rumored to have all this stolen treasure.
How can you be sure the third egg itself is actually there?
Faith.
Faith?
I’m sorry, I just wanna be clear.
So we’re out in the middle of nowhere based on faith?
Or “gut vibe” if you’re not into the whole religious thing.
No.
You know, the kinda thing I’m into is a good plan.
A smart plan, the opposite of this.
Relax. I have good news. If I’m reading this map right…
We’re here.
We’re where?
We’ve arrived.
X marks the spot.
X… What spot? X marks the spot.
We’re here. Here it is. Great job!
Please don’t yell at me.
You found it! Booth found it.
There’s no bunker. There’s shit here.
I’m just telling you what the map says.
There’s no bunker.
Tell me, what does the map say?
Oh, shit!
Yeah, it’s gonna be a long walk back.
You know what I blame? I blame the compass.
I got this thing back in Scouts. It’s been a little wonky.
It was never my strong suit.
Can I see this?
Absolutely.
Can I see this?
Of course.
I see what the problem is.
That’s the problem.
Oh. That is not kind.
You know what’s not kind? Dragging me out in the middle of nowhere, halfway around the world, based on a goddamn hunch!
[metal clangs]
[triumphant music playing]
[Booth] Holy shit!
[Booth whistling “The Raiders March”]
[whistling stops]
Guess they’re paying the utilities.
It’s gotta be hydroelectric power, which means there’s running water somewhere down here.
Look at that door. Nothing hiding behind there.
How are we gonna get through this?
Oh, shit!
You have got to be kidding.
Is that your father’s watch?
No. It’s the watch from Pulp Fiction.
Yes, it’s my father’s watch.
I thought you said you smashed it.
I had it repaired. Is that a problem?
No, it’s not a problem. Glad you’re not touchy about it.
Please shut up.
[clangs]
Uh, fun with magnets. All right.
[clicking]
Dad…
Please be good crazy.
[clicking]
[dull thud]
[chains rattling]
[metal thudding]
[thudding stops]
[both grunting]
Forget the egg, let’s just steal this stuff.
[Hartley] We’re not here to steal anything.
Uh, actually we are. We’re here to steal the egg.
[Hartley] You know what I mean.
[Booth] Oh, I steal it, it’s stealing, and you steal it, it’s what?
How about we just shut up? And by we, I mean you.
[Booth] You’re also rude too.
Rude to boot.
[Hartley] How are we gonna find this egg?
[Booth] I don’t know.
Look for a box that says “MacGuffin.”
Oh!
Do you know what this is?
This is…
Yes, this is a 1931 Mercedes-Benz Grosser 770.
I could flip this for $25 million, easy.
There’s, like, three of these left on the planet. Four!
There’s four now.
Three quarter-inch steel, reinforced armor-plating, bullet-resistant glass, and a 24-karat gold inlay.
This is a convertible tank.
And it’s in mint condition. I bet you this thing still runs.
Too bad it was driven by Nazi scum.
It’s a shame we’re gonna have to burn it.
How did they get it down here anyway?
They carry it down the stairs in tiny pieces and reassemble?
Through there.
Place must have been built off one of those old copper mines.
The shafts down here are massive and go on for miles.
Build the bunker, bring in the loot, seal the shaft…
Bob’s your uncle.
Who’s your daddy?
[Hartley] That’s not how it goes.
[Booth] I know.
Well, labels, Nazis, dum-dums.
[Booth guffawing]
[triumphant music playing]
[clangs]
Five-second rule.
It’s fine. Totally fine. Not a scratch on it.
Are you sure you don’t wanna flip this one? I got a guy.
Let me save you the trouble.
[sighs]
Your entrances are bullshit.
Egypt? [scoffs]
Did you really think I ran right off to the pyramids on your good word?
All I had to do was wait for you two to escape from Sotto Voce, and you led me right to the third egg, which I’m going to take from you now.
So, uh, hand it over.
Come on, don’t be shy.
[mockingly] Good job. Attaboy.
[door opens]
[cocks gun]
Drop your weapon!
[rapid gunshots]
[in Spanish] This way! On that side.
[in English] How did she find us?
I followed you. She must have followed me.
No shit!
Why are you shooting at them? I thought you were on their side.
I am on their side. They shot at me first.
How are we gonna get out of here?
We take that.
I don’t think that’s gonna make it up the stairs.
[cocks gun]
It ain’t going up the stairs.
Cover us.
[officers shouting]
[engine cranks]
Go, go, go!
I’m trying!
Let’s go.
[engine starts]
Huh? Ha-ha!
[officers shouting in Spanish]
Let’s go!
Throw it.
What?
Now!
[Das in Spanish] You two with me, the rest of you follow.
Go!
[engines revving]
[in English] I’m all out.
[grunts]
[in Spanish] Pull over!
[grunts]
[both grunting]
[tires screeching]
[male officer] Shit!
[engine revving]
[exclaims]
Whoa!
[grunts]
[grunting]
[grunting]
[in English] Bishop, the egg!
[both grunting]
[both grunting]
[both grunting]
[gun cocks]
[both grunting]
[screams]
[yells]
[dramatic music playing]
[laughs]
[grunting]
[Booth] You saved me.
You love me. You love me like crazy.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Shit!
We’re running out of road.
Hold on to something! If we stop, they’ll catch us.
Then let’s get caught.
We can escape later. It works for me all the time.
Make sure to kick clear of the car.
I would like to workshop this idea.
Oh, shit!
[exclaiming]
[muffled yelling]
[tires screech]
[panting]
[exclaims]
[gasping]
[panting]
It’s just like we drew it up, right?
Hartley?
Hartley?
Hartley?
You will be missed.
[groans softly]
Oh, shit! God damn it.
Hartley?
Hartley? Hartley?
Hey, where are you, you big idiot?
[Hartley] Who are you calling an idiot?
I’m right here.
Did you just choose me over the egg?
No.
Well, it kinda looks like you did.
I didn’t.
You went running in there to rescue me.
I left my phone in there.
You only have a finite amount of time to save it.
Stick it in a bag of rice, it’s a whole thing.
You thought I was dead.
I didn’t think you were dead. I wished you were dead.
I saw you splashing around. “Hartley! Hartley!”
Yes, okay, I wanted to pull you out, save you, get your hopes up, and then pull you, shove you under.
[panting]
Look, I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this.
I’m not gonna gloat. It’s not who I am.
Would some people say that this is very embarrassing for you?
Yes, of course. Of course they would.
Probably everybody.
But that’s not important right now.
What’s important is that you realize you lost and I won.
We.
We won. Together. Friendship. Teamwork.
It’s called the moral of the story.
And something that I’ve been wanting to say for years to your face is…
Checkmate.
Oh, that feels good.
I’ve got two eggs, you’ve got one, and you think you won?
How’s that work exactly?
I don’t have to win in order for you to lose.
That’s the best part of this whole thing.
As long as I have the third egg, you can’t win.
I don’t care about the money anymore.
Honestly, look at your face right now.
That face right there. Just… Yeah. Perfect.
Resting failure face. I mean, in a word, priceless.
Also, it just gets better.
As an added bonus, my friend here, at no extra charge, is gonna give you a lifetime supply of prison.
So… [in accent] That’s-a nice.
Stand up.
Stand up.
Told you how this was gonna end.
[ominous music playing]
You’re right. I am the bad guy.
I know how a confidence scheme works, trust me.
You don’t know me, Booth.
You have no idea what I’m capable of.
What the fuck?
Look at him.
Resting failure face. Priceless.
This whole time you were working for her?
Not for, with.
Like partners.
Yeah, we’re both The Bishop.
Has he told you where the third egg is yet?
[The Bishop shrieks]
[Hartley grunts]
I love you.
I love you too.
Ready? [grunts]
Yep.
Surprise!
[both chuckle]
There are two bishops in chess.
And a whole lotta pawns.
Hmm.
[Hartley] I passed the first egg on to her in Bali.
She took the second egg from Sotto Voce.
And the third egg, well, the only way for us to get our hands on it was if you led us right to it, which you did.
I thought for sure you were gonna see through my “We’re not partners, I gotta clear my name, I’m Johnny Law, blah, blah, blah.”
To be honest, I thought I laid it on too thick in the prison.
No, honey, you were so good.
No? Really?
Appreciate that. What’d you think? You think it was too much?
I have notes. Otherwise, pretty good.
“Pretty good”? All right.
Let’s just rewind for one second here.
You electrocuted him. You went “Downtown.”
Yes. By the way, that hurt like hell.
I know. I’m so sorry. I had to.
♪ Downtown ♪
No.
[The Bishop] It was the only way I could pass you a key to slip the cuffs.
[sputtering] How did you get free?
Well, anyhoo, the egg.
The egg.
That gun is soaking wet. There’s no way…
I’m not a Navy SEAL.
Third egg.
Thank you.
Let’s take a walk.
So it was all a lie? Even the sob story about your dad?
No. My dad was a con man, and I hated him.
So I decided to become better than he ever was.
Beat him at his own game.
Booth, don’t be too hard on yourself.
You’re good, really good, better than most.
We got nothing but respect for you.
Better luck next time.
[The Bishop] We’d love to stay and chat, but we have an important wedding to attend and it turns out, we have the perfect gift.
[Hartley] No hard feelings, pal.
It’s what we do.
[clicks tongue] None taken. Super fun time, guys.
See, I always appreciate a quality double-cross.
Serious question though, you guys have any sunblock?
I have no base. This is a spray tan.
[sighs]
[man] A beautiful event like tonight happens only once in a father’s life.
That is why when I arranged for my only daughter to marry, I spared no expense to acquire a gift unlike any other.
A gift fit for a queen, my Cleopatra.
Behold, for the first time in two millennia, all three treasured eggs have been reunited.
[guests gasp]
[applause]
♪ I found a love ♪
[gasps] Oh, my God! Ed…
♪ For me ♪
[Cleopatra] Ed Sheeran!
I love you!
Ed Sheeran, who knew?
God, he’s so cute.
♪ I found a girl, beautiful and sweet ♪
♪ Oh, I never knew you were The someone waiting for me ♪
Yeah, I like that guy.
[male officer] Attention. This is an Interpol police action.
Remain in your seats. This will be over shortly.
What are you doing?
Cheers.
Cheers.
Oh, my God. Don’t touch me. Excuse me!
Oi!
Come on, then. Come on! Come on!
We’ll take those. Thank you very much.
Let’s get out of here.
[chuckles softly]
Possession of stolen Nazi loot is a crime.
You’re under arrest, father of the bride.
This is outrageous.
[indistinct police radio chatter]
[both grunting] Get off me. Do you know who I am?
I was in Game of Thrones!
I’m Ed Sheeran, bitch!
[upbeat music playing]
[Booth] This gouda is disappointing.
Such a fancy yacht, you’d think they could stock some decent cheeses.
That’s not cheese. That’s uncooked pork.
I’ve heard tapeworms can be quite slimming.
Surprised to see me?
Well, we’re just surprised it took you so long to find us.
Oh, I actually… I came aboard yesterday.
You weren’t the only one crying at the end of your lovemaking.
You know, funny story, after Das picked me up on the beach…
Looks like you ran out of friends.
[Booth] She sent me to the only place on Earth that actually is worse than her Instagram account.
But then I remembered that I’m pretty good at escaping from things.
So I did.
Look, am I upset about what happened back on the beach?
Absolutely not. All’s fair in love and eggs.
I came to congratulate you both.
Great. Glad you approve. What do you want?
Well, I’m big on forgiveness. I always have been.
But I’m not so big on forget-ness.
What are you talking about?
I’m talking about my twist ending.
You know the 300 million you guys got on the eggs before you double-crossed the billionaire?
Nice touch, by the way.
Anyhow, I gave our friend, Inspector Das, a little jingle and I tipped her off about that secure Cayman Island account you stashed it in.
Turns out, it’s not as secure as one might hope.
Take it all.
[Booth] See? Now, we’re even.
Everyone loses, no one gets the money and we can all be friends again.
Cut the shit. What’s the offer?
There’s a new score.
Double the payout, triple the challenge, plus, here’s the best part.
It’s a three-thief job. [mouthing] One, two, three.
And let me guess, if we don’t say yes, then Inspector Das is on her way right now to arrest us.
Yes, in very fast boats.
Know what I think is funny, Booth?
Vin Diesel’s audition tape for Cats? It exists.
The fact that you think the two of us would ever team up with you.
Get off the boat.
Great. I’ll, uh, send you both a sharpened toothbrush.
Wait, stop.
[sighs] Look, we need a new score now anyway.
I know he drives you crazy, but he’s good.
And you two work well together.
No, we don’t.
We kinda do.
Do you trust me?
Always.
You love me?
Big time.
That’s all we need.
[both] What are we stealing?
This.
[indistinct police radio chatter]
[in Italian] It’s abandoned. They’re not here.
[ominous music playing]
Ready?
What could possibly go wrong?
Everything.
[laughs]
[“Notorious B.I.G.” playing]
♪ No, no, notorious ♪
♪ He is, he is ♪
♪ The doctor said I need About three weeks of recovery ♪
♪ But the nurses is lovin’ me ♪
♪ Sayin’ the best part of the day Is my half ♪
♪ Feedin’ me breakfast And givin’ me a sponge bath ♪
♪ All the time Big Poppa kick the war rhymes ♪
♪ Raw flows And that’s how it goes ♪
♪ Notorious He is, he is ♪
♪ No, no, notorious ♪
[“Landing” playing]
[The Bishop] Don’t miss me too much.
[sing-song] Ta-ta!
