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Freelance (2023) | Transcript

An ex-special forces operative takes a job to provide security for a journalist as she interviews a dictator, but when a military coup breaks out in the middle of the interview, they are forced to escape into the jungle.

Freelance is a 2023 American action comedy film directed by Pierre Morel and written by William Eisner. The film stars John Cena, Alison Brie, Juan Pablo Raba, Christian Slater, and Alexia Fast.

Director: Pierre Morel
Writers: William Eisner
Stars: John Cena, Alison Brie, Juan Pablo Raba, Christian Slater, Alexia Fast
Genres: Action, Adventure, Comedy
Runtime: 1 hour 49 minutes
Release Date: October 27, 2023
Country: United States
Language: English

Plot Summary: Stuck in a dead-end desk job, former special forces operative Mason Pettis (John Cena) reluctantly takes on a freelance gig to provide private security for a washed-up journalist (Alison Brie) as she interviews a ruthless dictator. When a military coup breaks out just as she’s about to get the scoop of a lifetime, the unlikely trio must figure out how to survive the jungle and one another to make it out alive.

* * *

Man, voice-over: Do you know that feeling when you’re doing exactly what you were put on the Earth to do?

The one where it’s like everything inside you is moving together in harmony with the universe?

Different man: Get off! Get off! Get off!

Get off! Get off! Get off!

Get in formation!

Man, voice-over: No matter what happens…

What the fuck took you so long, private?

Man, voice-over: everything will be OK.

Do not fuck it up on me, private!

Sweet fucking baby Jesus!

Man, voice-over: Yeah.

Me neither… but, you know, one can hope, right?

It started when I was a kid.

I always needed to help people.

Hey! Leave him alone!

Or at least I wanted to…

Unh!

So I did what any normal, red-blooded American would do.

To our top summer associate.

Man, voice-over: I became a lawyer.

That seemed like a safe move.

You’re welcome here at this firm

anytime you want.

You’re one of us now, all right?

Woman: Yeah!

Man, voice-over: But then, I saw it…

a life of backyard grilling and playdates,

home improvement projects

and overplanned tourist adventures,

neighbors I probably didn’t want to know,

a wife I probably didn’t want to know either,

maybe an affair with my neighbor.

The thing was whenever I saw people like that,

I always thought, “When did you decide to stop trying?”

So I folded that hand.

[Men shouting]

Yeah. A year of law school left, 6 figures waiting,

and I enlist in the fucking army?

[Shouting continues]

I mean, what the actual fuck?

[Groans]

Everyone thought I was insane.

1, 2, 3!

I thought I was insane.

The next thing I knew,

I made it through the Q Course with Special Forces selection.

One minute!

Man, voice-over: And for the first time

in my entire life…

Let’s go surprise some assholes!

I was happy.

Whoo! Let’s do this!

Saddle up!

Whoo!

[Soldiers shouting]

I’d found something worth doing

in a world where things worth doing

they didn’t come around very often.

I found myself…

[Cheering]

Aah!

I found love…

[Screaming]

Push! Push!

I found family…

Come on! Let’s go!

Man, voice-over: and most of all,

I found purpose.

Leader: That’s our target. President Venegas.

We’re here to take him out.

See you on the ground!

[Man grunting]

Huh?

No! Shit! Ohh!

Whoa! Ohh! Huh!

Ohh!

Unh!

Oh, fuck! Aw, shit!

Huh!

No! Ohh! Unh!

Huh!

[Groaning]

Guys. Ugh.

Man, voice-over: And just like that,

my purpose was gone.

I went back to the normal life that I tried to avoid

and couldn’t feel more like a failure.

[Sighs]

Woman: Mason!

Mason!

Casey’s gonna be late for school!

Good morning.

Hey!

Hey!

Mm-wha!

Ew! Your breath smells, Daddy.

Ohh. Got to brush my teeth.

[Beep, door unlatches]

OK. You want to drive? No!

OK. Yeah. In a few years, it’s all yours, though.

All right? You in? Everything…

Mason, don’t forget her seatbelt.

Make sure to buckle your seatbelt.

Please.

Wave to Mommy because she’ll hate me

even more than she already does if you don’t.

You know, how’s school going?

Casey: There’s a boy named Chase

that bothers me all the time.

He tries to kiss me and stuff.

Boy tries to kiss you? You’re 9.

I’m 8, Daddy.

That makes it even worse.

Tell you what. The next time he tries to kiss you,

you hit him in the throat.

You know what the throat is?

I’m not an idiot.

Just hit him in the Adam’s apple.

All boys have them.

Like penises?

Uh, yes. Kind… yes.

Um, just… just hit him right here, OK?

It’ll make it so he can’t breathe for a little bit.

Like hitting him in the penis.

Yes, and you know what? You can do that, also.

All right? OK. We’re here.

Remember your backpack.

Go forth, wreak havoc, and don’t forget your bookbag.

Bye, Daddy.

You have a great day, OK?

Learn things.

So I told them…

[Breathing heavily]

they can’t charge me those calls.

I… I… I didn’t make those calls.

I… I… I don’t even know any of those numbers.

They won’t leave me alone, man.

So, um… so you want to hire me

to… argue with your phone company for you?

Just my old phone company.

Scott, uh…

you… you have my word I will make this all go away.

Oh! Thank you. Thank… thank you.

Thank you. Can I give you a retainer?

I’d feel better with a retainer, maybe just 500.

Like your style, Scott.

Ha! Oh, my gosh.

Thank you.

This…

There you go.

This looks great. I’ll…

Oh, my gosh.

I’ll be in touch, OK?

OK. Thank you.

OK.

You don’t write, you don’t call.

As I live and breathe.

Sebastian Earle.

Hey!

Aw, man. Look at you.

God. What are you doing here?

How’d they get you in a suit?

I could ask you the same thing.

Are you kidding? I’m about to take on

a global communications conglomerate,

so I got to look the part.

I seem to recall you saying that quitting law

was the best decision you ever made.

I did.

And that becoming a lawyer

would only crush your soul.

Yeah, it has, but I got a wife and a kid,

and they both require income, so…

in lieu of that, I generate broken dreams for all involved.

Well, do you have a half-hour to spare for an old friend?

I want to show you something.

I think Lady Justice can wait.

[Tires squeal]

Sebastian: So what do you think?

I think you need a lawyer.

You know a good one?

Nope.

Carry on, fellas.

Man: Yes, sir. Hey.

CDI. Heh heh. Chicks Dig It.

Actually, Contracted Defense Initiatives,

but… but, yes, they do.

You name it, we got it,

and if we don’t, we’ll find it, buy it, or build it.

We can operate in any environment

and any operational condition.

[Whistles]

We are a one-stop shop and shoot.

Ranges, mock villages, our own airstrip,

the whole kit.

I opened up 7 years ago.

Yeah, I remember,

but honestly, I never thought you’d pull it off.

Hey. Good on you, brother.

Well, I started with the U.S. government,

then moved to Europe, then Asia,

then South America.

Now we’re over 80% corporate contracts.

We’re grossing high 8 figures this year.

Heh. Ahh. Private security work’s always been a bit dicey for me.

It’s, like, a thin line between mercenary work, yeah?

Naw. Come on. It’s like any business.

We sell a product.

That product is security.

Cavemen out there, they’re your product?

They look the part, and they keep the peace.

Can’t hire fast enough.

Tons of ex-military, a few cops… heh…

and some good, old boys with a passion

for the Second Amendment.

And steroids.

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Yeah.

These guys are, uh, potentially

your new colleagues.

No. No.

No!

No, no, and no.

Come on.

I’m too broken down, I’m… I’m out of shape.

I’m too old to go running around the world, Seb.

I got a life here.

Mason, I know you. You’re… you’re miserable.

That’s not the point.

Look. The truth is broken or not

you still look the part.

I’m asking as a personal favor.

I’ve got an easy personal protection detail.

It’s a one-off. Just help me out, huh?

Total milk run.

You guys don’t look like milkmen.

[Sighs]

[Man speaking Spanish on TV]

[Spanish continues]

!¡Viva Paldoñia!

Crowd:!¡Viva Paldoñia!

[Venegas speaking Spanish]

Everybody is welcome to Paldoñia.

It’s a beautiful country, beautiful.

Juan Arturo Venegas.

You kidding me?

You took a job for the guy that killed half our team?

We were there to kill him in the first place.

Dude, chill. The job isn’t for Venegas.

It’s body work for a journalist who’s gonna interview him.

Just show up, be some window dressing for her,

make sure she doesn’t get groped.

A bunch of our friends died because of that guy.

You don’t have to tell me.

I know, and look.

If he were to get hit by a bus,

I don’t think anybody would be too upset about it.

Believe me, I’d love to do it myself,

but I’m running a business,

and right now, that business is getting a journalist

in and out of Paldoñia.

Yeah. Send one of your other guys.

Heh. I can’t spare them for this.

Listen. I’m trying to break into

the personal protection racket for journalists,

and this is the first step, so I’m overpaying.

This is me trying to hook you up, OK?

No drama. Venegas is sending a plane

to D.C. tomorrow to pick you guys up.

I’m not interested.

20 grand says you are.

[Sighs]

Who’s the journalist?

Man: This year’s recipient

of the International Journalism and Editors Award

Claire Wellington.

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you.

Claire: Journalism at its best,

it’s about the truth.

I share this with all the journalists

who report the facts

and who value the truth above all.

[Typing]

[Reporters clamoring]

In my haste to break a major story,

I neglected… to perform my due diligence

in properly fact checking

and thoroughly vetting my sources.

I have resigned my position here.

[Reporters clamoring]

Woman: Make sure that she knows what she did was wrong.

So, uh, how’s everybody doing?

[Sighs]

You told your daughter to hit a boy

in the throat, and that boy’s father

is a lawyer.

Um…

A real lawyer.

Uh, whatever this is, it’s gone, it’s done.

I can’t do it anymore, Mason.

I can’t…

Jenny, don’t overreact.

I’m not overreacting. I think it might be best

for everybody if you did move out.

[Sighs]

Never mind. I’ll get Casey, and I’ll go to my mom’s.

No. I’ll go.

[Video game chimes]

[Controller clicking]

Hey, Daddy.

[Groans]

What are you doing?

Building a cruise ship.

Cruise ship. Wow. That’s a good gig if you can get it.

Ahh. Listen. I got to go out of town for a few days.

It’s for work.

Do they have snow globes where you’re going?

Tell you what. If they do, I’ll get you one.

Thanks, Daddy.

[Chime]

Jenny: What do you mean you’re going out of town for a few days?

I took a job.

What?

Yeah. Sebastian Earle hooked me up.

What about your practice?

Ha!

You just said a minute ago that I wasn’t a real lawyer.

What job is this?

It’s private security. Easy stuff.

Mason, no.

That part of your life is over.

You’re not gonna go and get yourself killed

and leave our daughter without a father to raise her.

Just let me make this money, OK?

You think I don’t know how unhappy you are

being just a husband and a father?

Imagine what it feels like to be me,

knowing that I’m the life you settled for.

Jenny, I…

On second thought, actually, you should go.

Maybe that’s what you need

to fix yourself.

[Door slams]

[Doorbell beeping]

Claire: Politics in the workplace

and… and the fallout from that, please.

No. It’s great. Of course you’re being a weasel about this.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Yeah. I wouldn’t want to tarnish your perfect reputation.

You’re a saint. We both know it.

Excuse me. Claire Wellington?

Well, please do, and I’ll be sure

to badmouth you to anyone who will listen.

Hey. That’s great. Yeah. Same to you, asshole.

Miss Wellington…

I’m… I’m, uh… I’m from CDI.

I’m Mason Pettits.

You’re late. Where’s the car?

It’s, uh, this way.

Great. Can you help me with this?

Claire: So you’re my Green Beret.

Army Special Forces.

Right. A Green Beret is a hat.

Delta Force isn’t the name of anything but a bad movie.

I’ve met my share of your colleagues.

So where’d you serve?

Oh. All the loveliest places.

I was in the Middle East,

South America of course.

Ooh! North Carolina.

And that tan line on your ring finger?

We don’t wear wedding rings while we work.

Could be a possible pressure point if you’re captured.

Either that, or you just got a divorce.

So we’re leaving for Paldoñia.

You know anything about it?

Sure do.

Paldoñia’s like a… Tim Burton movie.

It’s colorful, but it’s creepy as fuck.

That’s a new one.

I have an exclusive interview

with President Juan Arturo Venegas.

He doesn’t do interviews.

Um, with all due respect, do you understand at all who…

I think I understand quite well,

but the real question is do you understand

why you’re coming along?

My guess is not to give my opinion

about Juan Arturo Venegas.

Perfect. Then this will be fine.

I’ll focus on Venegas. You focus on making sure

I don’t get robbed or kidnapped at the hotel.

[Muttering]

Man: Pull!

[Gunshot]

What’s up, what’s up?

Welcome back to “Infamous Daily Live.”

I’m here with GG Love,

who went from doing time

to being a multimillionaire entrepreneur

and founder of the Much Loved clothing brand.

Thanks for being here, GG.

Pleasure’s all mines, baby.

Give us a spin. Show off what you got.

Wow! I can’t wait to get one.

So tell me…

Have a good laugh?

Oh, shit!

Was that all an Internet search could get you?

Trust me. There’s far worse out there.

Did you move to the States when you were young?

I noticed your British passport when we boarded,

and you slipped your accent, so…

probably moved here as a kid.

I mean, if I had to guess.

Nobody’s asking for your guesses.

Why Paldoñia? Some sort of image makeover?

This might shock you, my dear,

but I didn’t take a degree at Oxford

to cover celebrity bar mitzvahs.

Paldoñia has some of the largest oil

and natural gas fields in the world,

and Venegas is the last pure autocrat

in the Western Hemisphere, and he doesn’t do interviews

until now.

OK. Just…

just want me to sit here and shut up then?

Sounds absolutely brilliant.

[Hip-hop music playing]

[Man singing in Spanish]

Miss Wellington, welcome to Paldoñia!

President Venegas, so nice to meet… you.

Ellie sends her regards.

Oh, my God. You are even more beautiful

in person than on television.

Thank you.

Hoo. Ha ha ha!

[Sighs]

It’s like that?

Oh. That… that was a gift.

What? I have a permit for that.

Before we begin, we must take a selfie.

Oh. Um…

Ah. Yes.

That’s… um…

It’s a little bright out here.

Yes?

Oh. Oh!

You approve? Yes.

Ahh!

It’s great.

My followers are gonna love this.

[Phone whooshes]

Use the whole fist?

I bought that one. Yeah.

So Ellie and you were roommates

in the university, yes?

Our second and fourth years, yes.

Hmm. Heh heh.

Well, any friend of Ellie’s is welcome in Paldoñia.

Tell me about her. How is she?

Well, um…

she is very happy in Kansas.

I know. What’s in Kansas anyway?

The rich rancher she married.

[in Spanish] What a pity.

[in English] Not in Kansas anymore, huh?

Was it a bad joke?

Venegas: No. “The Wizard of Oz.”

It’s one of my favorite movies.

I should have introduced you.

Mason is my protective detail.

Venegas: Of course he is. Of course.

Mason Pettits, CDI’s finest,

former Army Special Forces, right?

Maison Petite. The little house.

We do our own research, too.

Ha ha ha! Ha!

Vamanos!

[Man singing Del Shannon’s “Runaway” in Spanish]

Would you like to ride my stallion?

Not now, thanks.

President Venegas, I really appreciate you

giving me this kind of access.

Ho ho! Of course.

It’s like they say.

A blind pig must use its nose.

Ah. Ha ha.

There are so many wonderful things about my country.

I can’t wait for you to share them with the world.

Look. Mi gente. My people.

There is a bright future ahead of us, bright future.

Heh.

Ha ha. Freedom of speech is very present in Paldoñia,

but let’s move on.

Vamos. Vamos. Adelante. Adelante.

Mason: Just confirming. We are still headed

to your ranch tonight, right?

Venegas: I am taking you to my country estate.

I think you’re gonna love it.

Let’s toast, huh?

OK.

Yes.

Ha ha! One for you,

one for me,

and we toast for your safe travels…

and for new friends.

I like it.

Yes.

Ah, ah, ah.

Arriba…

Arriba…

abajo…

abajo…

al centro…

al centro…

pa’ dentro.

OK. Ha ha ha!

Ahh.

Ahem. Heh.

Uh, if you don’t mind, Mr. President,

I’d love to go over a few of my interview questions

with you now.

Yes, of course.

No prepararse es prepararse para fallar.

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail?

Ooh. I love it.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Be ready to fail, huh?

I… ohh!

What are we gonna do, Mason?

[Speaking Spanish]

[Audio slowing down]

Mason!

[Gunfire]

[Speaking Spanish]

Oh, my God!

[Venegas speaking Spanish]

Aah!

Stay down!

Aah, Mason!

Get down!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[Gunfire continues]

No, no, no, no, no!

[Bullets ricocheting off car]

Claire: Mason?

What’s happening?

Stay down!

Oh! Ohh!

[Gunfire continues]

Claire: Aah!

[Tires squeal]

What are you doing?

[Tires squeal]

Oh, shit!

Get up. Get up.

What?

Get up. Put your seatbelts on now.

Oh, God.

Venegas: Unh!

Claire: Ohh!

Ooh! Ow!

Claire, are you OK? Yes? Yes.

[Breathing heavily]

Told you this was mine.

OK, OK.

Hey. OK. Stay here.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[Gunfire]

Huh!

[Grunting]

Man.

Hey.

What part of “stay here” did you guys not get?

[Gunfire]

[Man shouts]

[Claire gasping]

[Groaning]

[Grunting]

Oh, my back. Ohh.

Oh. Just…

[Claire coughs]

OK. OK.

Mr. Pettits.

OK.

Thank you very much.

God! Ohh! My back!

Ahh. My back.

Are you OK?

Yeah. Just give me a second.

Are you sure you’re OK? You want a massage?

OK.

Claire: What the hell just happened?

What happened?

Your one-man security detail happened.

He’s a hero.

Mason, what’s going on?

What’s going on? This place is

a shitshow like it always was.

We never should have come.

Let’s go.

Should we call for help?

Yeah, but we’ll call when we’re someplace safe.

Ahem. Can you believe this?

What?

C’est un coup d’état.

A coup?

Putana! Merde!

I cannot hide from this!

Ha! Hiding seems like a great idea right now.

This is not a rebel assassination attempt.

One, really looks like it is.

Two, you’re screwed regardless, so…

I have to stop this.

I think I just did.

Stop the overthrow of my government,

and you will come with me to the capital

and help me protect my people.

Newsflash… your people just tried to kill you, all right?

Count us out.

Can you hand me my bag?

What?

My bags.

We gotta get you out of here by the end of the day.

You’re never gonna need it.

I’m with the president of a country

in the middle of a coup.

This is the scoop of a lifetime.

You gotta be alive to have the scoop of a lifetime, OK?

You’ll break your story when you’re someplace safe.

What’s that?

A really big gun.

Let’s move.

Come on.

Ohh!

[“Swan Lake” Act I “Finale” playing]

Battement tendu.

En pointe.

[Cell phone ringing]

Yes.

How’s it?

Everyone?

Yes. Excellent.

Sorry. Go ahead.

I see.

Be in touch then.

Brava, brava, Marta. The swan.

[in Afrikaans] Papa has to go to work my dear.

Encore, encore!

[Music continues]

[Music ends]

[in English] Shit.

Wait, wait, Mason.

I c… I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

I can’t. Ohh.

I guess we’re taking a break.

Ohh.

Are you OK, Miss Wellington?

I’m good.

Oh, good.

So who’s trying to kill us?

Nobody. Nobody is trying to kill us.

They’re trying to kill him.

[in Spanish] Who wants to kill you?

Ah.

A single insect may bring down an entire country.

Which insect wants to kill you today?

I don’t know, but I intend to find out.

[in English] Oh. You have a satellite phone.

Who you gonna call?

I’m calling for help.

[Cell phone rings]

Earle.

Yo. It’s Mason. We got hit.

Shit! What happened? You OK, Mason?

Heading out of town, they took out our vehicles.

I got us out safe, but I…

bro, we’re stuck. I got no idea where we’re at.

Is Wellington safe?

Yeah. She’s with me, and Venegas

is here, too.

What? Why is he with you?

What about his team?

Dead. Bro, you got to get us a ride.

Hang tight.

GPS has your position.

There’s a clearing… 3 klicks east.

Exfil there by helo.

I’m gonna call some colleagues in the area.

I’ll get you picked up.

Heh. So much for a milk run.

May I use your phone?

Nope.

But I need to make a call.

Heh. I don’t care.

Claire: Mason.

What?

Tell me why I should do a favor for him.

Well, for example, because, uh, I can have

you arrested for being a foreign spy.

Maybe I pull a coup of my own then.

Stop it, Mason!

[Singing in Spanish]

Singing? Dictators don’t get to sing.

Really? Well, then go ahead.

Do it, Mr. Pettits.

I am not afraid of death,

and I am not afraid of people like you.

Do it.

[Singing in Spanish]

Hey, hey! Put the gun down, please.

[Continues singing]

Knock yourself out.

Thank you. Don’t worry.

I’ll make it petite.

[Phone beeps]

[Indistinct chatter]

Hermanos.

Señor.

[in Spanish] Is this my speech?

Yes.

Is the lighting okay?

The lighting is perfect, Jefe.

Thank you, General.

Ringtone ♪ Sí señor

♪ Mi presidente

♪ Sí señor

Your phone is ringing, El Jefe.

♪ El presidente

Hello?

Jorge,

Nephew!

Uncle?

Correct!

I’m out here walking through the jungle!

How are you?

All good?

Heh. Ha ha!

How are you, Uncle?

I’m fantastic!

I’m walking through the jungle

with an absolutely lovely woman.

The Gringo Journalist?

Yes!

The beautiful Claire Wellington.

Uh-huh.

Ah!

[Continues in Spanish]

Is he asking what I’m wearing?

[in English] No, he’s describing what you’re wearing.

Don’t look at me. He’s your friend of a friend.

Yeah. Just didn’t realize he and Ellie

kept in touch still.

What?

The interview.

That’s obviously why he invited me here.

He invited you?

Why? Because I’m not just

a celebrity news reporter to you now?

No. I thought you landed the interview.

Ha! Everybody’s asked him for an interview,

but Paldoñia’s been basically a media blackout

for the last decade.

Then just like that, he e-mailed me,

asked me if I wanted an interview.

Why do you think you’re here?

I’m not totally clueless.

[in Spanish] Yes, yes, don’t worry. See you soon!

We were all worried for you.

Sure. Great. God bless you!

My uncle isn’t dead.

Our partners will not be pleased.

[Phone beeps]

[in English] Thank you.

Please tell us you have good news.

Oh, I have wonderful news.

I was just talking to Jorge, my nephew.

He’s the one behind the coup.

That’s good news?

Yes, it’s great news.

You see, I love my nephew, but he’s an idiot.

So he… he just told you?

No. he didn’t tell me anything,

but he said everything. Hmm?

He will not move a finger if he knows

that I am still alive,

so I told him that everything was OK

and that we were gonna go to see him.

You see, you must always stroke the head

that you are going to cut off.

So is he working with the rebels?

No, no, no, no.

The rebels also think that he’s an idiot.

Heh. Let’s go.

Back to the capital.

Heh. No.

No.

Do what you want.

We’re getting out of here.

We can’t just leave him.

Just did.

I need to report this.

We can’t just let another government

in another poor country get overthrown

in another coup and nobody pays attention.

Come on. Don’t let Venegas suck you in.

He’s a textbook sociopath.

He seems OK.

Please. Read Hannah Arendt.

I have.

I’m well aware what the world expects

from Claire Wellington at the moment,

but I have sacrificed everything

for my career… my family, relationships, my life…

so forgive me if I refuse to be

the laughingstock who went from winning a Peabody

to covering celebrity man caves.

This is my chance,

and it’s working out better than I ever could have hoped.

Yeah, it’s one way of looking at it.

Err!

[Phone ringing]

Sebastian.

Man: Mason Pettits, we got a call from your boss at CDI.

Heard you needed a lift.

Yeah, we sure do.

Got an ETA of two minutes for you.

Got a spot where I can set the bird down?

Yeah, we’re headed towards the clearing right now.

Uh, you got my GPS?

We’re heading straight for it.

You can’t get here fast enough. We’ll be standing by.

OK. Sit tight. We’re getting picked up in a few minutes.

Are you sure we can’t stay?

Oh, I’m sure.

Get you picked up across the border.

You’ll find a Starbucks with free Wi-Fi or something,

break your story from there.

Sure sure?

You can’t get a Peabody if you’re dead.

What about Venegas? You think he’ll be OK?

I don’t give a shit about Venegas!

What is your deal with him?

[Helicopter approaching]

I can smell the free Wi-Fi now.

Not good.

Run! Run!

What?!

[Claire screaming]

Aah!

Claire: Aah!

[Grunting]

Agh!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Come on!

Oh, God!

Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Embrace the suck!

Aah! Ohh! Ohh!

Claire: Aah!

Still excited to cover a coup?

Less and less honestly.

Yeah.

Shit! he’s going for another round.

Stay put.

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Inhales]

[Exhales]

[Exhales]

[Gasps]

Tell me you got that.

Run!

[Claire panting]

Mason?

Mason?

[Branch snaps]

Mason?

Oh. Not Mason.

Because hiding in a tree is such a good idea.

Huh!

[Both grunting]

Are you OK?

Yeah. I’m good.

Do you need help?

Enn.

[Bones crack]

Claire: Ooh!

[Panting]

You good? Ugh.

Suddenly, I’m very glad I paid you to tag along.

[Groaning]

Mason!

Unh!

Aah!

Where is Venegas?

[Gunshot]

Aah!

I’m here.

Ohh!

Aah!

Puta!

Oh. Miss Wellington, I am… I am so sorry

for the mess that I have made.

Thank you.

Where did you come from?

From behind that tree.

Not literally.

What’s up with the hand cannon?

Juanita?

Yeah.

What kind of egomaniacal psycho dictator

would Venegas be if he didn’t have a big gun?

Point taken.

[in Spanish] Thank you for your help.

You’re welcome, Mr. Pettits.

[Soldiers speaking Spanish]

Jorge: Colonel Koehorst.

[in English] General Vásquez,

my clients are very disappointed that

your uncle is still alive and causing trouble.

It would appear that your men likewise

failed to kill my uncle.

Certainly our arrangement’s off to a shaky start.

My clients need assurance that

their investment in your country remains secure.

Is that clear?

Yes. Ahem.

Good.

Thank you.

Better one man dies instead of a thousand.

[Gags]

Ahem.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Ahh.

Well, this is just… awesome.

Yeah.

So how’d you get wounded?

Your back. Saw you’ve been favoring it.

God, I’m sorry for trying to have

a human moment with you in the middle of a jungle

where we could die at any second.

Mission I was on went sideways a while back.

I got injured. My back hurts.

Did that happen here?

Yeah.

It was my last mission.

And so you’re married… or were married?

I didn’t quite follow with the ring thing.

Heh.

[Sighs]

Yes.

Probably separated by now.

Hmm.

I was just way better at being an operator

than I am at normal, day-to-day life.

Then I got hurt, then I got out,

and then I just sucked.

I got low.

[Exhales]

Took me years to figure out how to become a lawyer.

Wait. You’re a lawyer?

Yeah. Officially.

Passed the Bar, whole 9.

Ha!

Thought it would make me feel more normal.

Mmm.

Turns out it just made me hate myself more.

So you got into private security?

Yeah.

How long you been doing that now?

Uh, it’s what, 5…

4… 3 days?

What? CDI said you were their best.

You saw me take out a helicopter.

I mean, I think you got your money’s worth, right?

I mean, come on. That was…

that was pretty cool.

That was pretty damn cool.

Uh, we should go around.

How rude would that be?

It probably isn’t safe.

It’s very safe.

Welcome to Sabrina, my home.

[Indistinct chatter]

Heh heh.

[Speaking Quechuan]

Ahh. Ha!

Ha ha ha!

Claire, Mason,

this is my oldest friend Ernesto Sandoval.

He is the leader of this village.

It’s an honor.

Oh! Oh!

[in Quechuan] You’re much more beautiful than on TV.

The Hulk.

The Hulk scares me.

[Laughter]

[in English] What did he say?

Something funny, I guess.

Venegas: This is Pepino.

He is the, the son-in-law of the chief.

He will give us a ride into town tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yes, Mason.

Nobody travels in this region

of the country at night.

Not even mercenaries.

Consider it a chance to rest

and wash off the blood.

OK.

[Speaking Quechuan]

Uh…

[Indistinct chatter]

[Gasps]

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

Ha ha ha!

I just…

I didn’t…

didn’t see anything.

Venegas: Whew!

Oh. Hoo!

Nice ink, woman.

Color me impressed, Mr. Pettits.

Not petite at all.

Shall we do the interview?

Huh?

[Indistinct chatter]

Mason: So what do you want me to do again?

Just a standard two-shot.

Didn’t exactly learn that in basic training.

Just make sure we’re both in the frame.

Shall we begin?

Please.

OK. Let me just…

Claire: We’re rolling?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

President Venegas, thank you for speaking to me

about the events that have transpired over the past 12 hours.

Venegas: I truly appreciate the opportunity

of speaking with you.

The world will soon learn that earlier

this morning you survived an assassination attempt

that resulted in the deaths

of your entire security team.

Sadly, yes.

Who do you think is behind this attempted coup?

Our land and its mineral resources have been exploited

by outsiders for a very long time,

and it is no secret that these outsiders

have propped up my presidency for many years

while I turned my back on my people.

The CIA, the SAS, they’re only a tool

to influence leaders like me in countries like mine,

but the real power has always been in the hands

of CEOs and shareholders that make billions

out of our natural resources on the back of my people.

So the corporations were behind the attempt on your life?

I was with you. The attackers seemed like

professional soldiers.

What can’t these people buy, Claire?

You think an assassination attempt is scary?

Try telling the CEO of a global energy company

to go fuck his mother and watch your currency drop

70% by the end of the conference call.

Paldoñia has been blessed with a second chance.

In my fists are lanthanides,

rare earth metals that are the core component

for every new technology, cell phones, tablets,

electric cars, MRI machines.

These corporations, they want to exploit

our new resource by a pittance of what it’s worth,

and I have told them that I will not allow it,

which is why they’re trying to kill me.

Paldoñia will become the number one provider

of the world’s most precious metal.

[in Spanish] My promise, and my legacy

is that wealth from these metals

will be invested solely and exclusively

to enrich the people of Paldonia.

Long Live Paldonia!

[Cheering and applause]

[Indistinct chatter]

[in English] Quite a puff piece you got here.

Yeah.

[Latin music playing]

Venegas: The bridge. Here they come.

Do you remember that?

You come back. Ba ba ba ba! Take that!

[Speaking Spanish]

Right?

I’m telling you.

You saved my life.

Claire: Yes.

Very impressive.

[Speaking Spanish]

Whoo!

Más, más.

[Indistinct chatter]

Bravo! Bravo!

Y-you don’t have to sleep in a chair, Mason.

I’ve slept in worse.

Want to play a game to see who gets the bed?

OK. If you know what this is,

I’m gonna be in trouble.

[Exhales]

That’s a mandala.

I’m guessing you got it in India,

work trip.

Ha. OK.

OK.

This is Latin.

“She flies with her own wings.”

That’s Latin? It, um…

ahem… it’s cool.

Yeah. I got it a few years ago

as a reminder that everything’s gonna work out fine.

And why would you need that reminder,

aside from being here with an inexperienced bodyguard

and being hunted by mercenaries?

Oh. Ttt, ttt, tt.

Stop.

Um… heh.

Can you see that?

Yep. Uh, anarchy?

What, do you not believe in any form of government?

I didn’t when I was a teenager.

I was very rebellious.

I can buy that.

Hmm. It got me into journalism,

you know, confronting power,

fighting governments to get to the truth.

What’s not to love?

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

So whatever you thought,

I came here for the chance

to confront a dictator

and hold power to account.

That’s why I came here.

Not for my career.

Maybe a little bit for my career.

Heh.

Now, you tell me something.

Good night.

Are you enjoying this?

I’m just doing my job.

Yeah. Me, too.

I c… I can’t. Ahem. I can’t.

You still love her.

Yeah.

Timing, right?

Yeah. The worst.

Ha ha ha!

Good night, Mr. Pettits.

Good night, Miss Wellington.

[Rooster crowing]

[Groans]

Morning.

Yo. We got to go.

Heh.

Aww. You’re still not gonna let me go

to Puerto Santiago to tell this story, huh?

That’s a negative. You got your exclusive.

We get you to safety, you break your story.

Do you think I have enough of a story?

I mean, yes, I have Venegas telling his side,

but it could still be dismissed as the rantings

of a dictator trying to explain away

a popular revolt.

That is true.

The world has always been largely apathetic

towards my country.

That has served many well but not my people.

That is why today I am going to Puerto Santiago

for the future of my people.

Very inspiring. I’m just gonna move

the delusions of saving your people to the back burner

and not getting us killed to the front burner.

Why are you here, Mason?

What?

Yes.

Why are you here in Paldoñia?

For her. To protect her.

Really? That’s why you think you’re here?

Hmm. For such a cynical man,

you are hopelessly naive, Mason.

Out of all places, you were sent here.

The question is why, Mason.

[Phone beeping]

[Cell phone ringing]

Mason: Yo. It’s Mason.

Mace. Are you OK? I’m freaking out here.

Yeah. What’s the story, bro?

You sent me down here because you thought I’d roll over?

Maybe I was too big of a mess to handle it?

Because I, like, owned a bunch of these dudes.

What are you talking about?

Come on, man.

You really gonna try to convince me you sent me

down here randomly to meet the guy who killed half our friends,

and then the day I get here, by coincidence,

there’s a coup with a bunch of South Africans?

It should be great.

Mace, it’s not what you think, all right?

Just breathe.

I love you like a brother.

Yeah?

The only thing I can’t figure out is why you needed me down here.

[Sighs]

They wanted you to dispose of him.

Kill Venegas?

At his ranch.

One of his bodyguards was gonna get you a gun,

sneak you into his bedroom.

Yeah, but why me?

I thought it’d be a gift to take out the guy

who killed our brothers,

but apparently his nephew thought Venegas

was hip to it, and he jumped the gun.

I never would’ve sent you down there

if I thought there was gonna be a coup.

Seb, what kind of insanity have you gotten yourself into?

Look. Security contracting,

you deal with some shady people.

Some of it rubs off on you.

Who are these people? Who paid you?

The South Africans are contractors, too.

They approached me when the Wellington interview happened.

They… they… they rep people who want to take control of the…

The lanthanides.

Right.

Mace, there’s an easy fix here.

Put a bullet in Venegas.

Do it for the guys we lost.

Do it for his country.

Do it for the world.

Mace? Ma…

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

Mason: Honey?

Hi, Daddy.

Hey. Uh…

hey. I, um… I just wanted to tell you

that I love you and Mommy so much.

I love you too, Daddy.

Daddy, Mommy is sad.

You should come home.

Yeah. Yeah.

I… I promise I’ll be home soon.

Hey. Is… is Mommy there?

Can you put Mom on the phone right now?

OK, but she told Grandma that she doesn’t

want to talk to you again until you get

your shit together.

Heh. Ahem.

Just put mom on the phone, sweetheart.

Mommy! Daddy’s on the phone.

OK, honey. You go get ready.

OK.

Mason?

Hey.

Where are you?

I’m just in a shop getting Casey something.

Listen. Um…

I just wanted to say thank you

for sticking with me through all this

and that I love you very much.

Oh. OK. I mean, you’re kind of scaring me,

uh, with that.

No, no.

It’s, it’s… don’t worry. Don’t worry.

I love you.

I… I love you, too, so much.

Please just come home in one piece.

I’m on my way.

OK.

[Sighs]

Thank God for that.

Venegas: So as you walk to this…

Claire: All right. I’ll use some of the skirt. Yes.

You walk into position right here,

and then you go like

Mason?

Hey.

We’re heading for the border tonight.

What?

What?

We’re leaving, and that’s that.

No, no. Wait.

Hey!

Don’t give me a reason.

[Vehicles approaching]

Claire: Ohh!

Where’s Venegas?

Venegas!

Venegas!

Mason: Dude, stop following us already.

Venegas: I could say the same thing to you,

but I have much better manners.

Mi amigo has a car. Come on!

[in Spanish] I said,

Where is President Venegas?

[Speaking Quechuan]

I said,

Where is President Venegas?

Nesto Sandoval.

Where is President Venegas?

[Coughs]

[Pepino speaking Spanish]

This is your car?

Sí señor.

Claire: It doesn’t look very fast.

What are we gonna do with this thing?

[Fires 3 shots]

Where’s Venegas?

[Villagers screaming]

[Engine sputtering]

[Gunshot]

[Villagers screaming]

[Engine sputtering]

Wait, wait, wait.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Let him go.

It’s the only way out of this.

If they kill him here, they kill every person

in this village.

[Horse neighs]

I hate you.

Hey!

You’re looking for Venegas?

Here is Venegas!

Um…

Can you ride?

I’ll manage.

All right.

[Grunting]

OK. Hold on.

Huh! Ohh!

OK.

Oh.

Ohh!

Get on.

What?!

Get on!

No, no! I am very afraid of horses.

Half of your pictures are on horses.

It was Photoshopped.

Err!

[Horse neighs]

Ohh! OK. OK.

Let’s go!

Aah! Aah!

OK. OK. Oh! OK.

Ooh! Oh! Aah!

Aah!

Mason: Claire, come on!

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Venegas: Aah! Aah!

Hold onto my waist!

Ohh! Aah!

This isn’t weird at all.

Let’s go! Get them!

[Screaming]

Hang tight!

Claire, this way!

Claire: Wait, wait, wait!

[Screaming]

Mason: Claire, follow me!

[Horse neighs]

Aah!

Aah!

Hang on!

[Whimpering]

Stay there. Stay there.

Do not move.

Get up. Come here. Come here.

Stay still.

Hello, Miss Wellington.

May I call you Claire?

Where’s Claire?

She was right behind us.

Oh.

Don’t worry.

They won’t hurt her if I’m still alive.

Looks like I’m going to Puerto Santiago.

Excellent!

Aah! What?! Aah! Aah! Aah!

So you take money to make private wars?

What’s that like?

Why don’t you ask your Green Beret?

I would, but I seem to have been kidnapped by mercenaries.

Sweetheart, we just saved you from the worst dictator

this continent has ever seen.

I guess I missed the chivalry while you were

shooting at me.

We were shooting at him.

Our group has been contracted on behalf

of the people of Paldoñia.

You mean, a corporate-backed coup

of a sovereign nation?

You know, most journalists cause

chaos and frenzy but have no idea

what’s actually going on.

We are here to bring stability and peace

to a complicated situation.

You really think that your reporting

can change the will of the powerful?

This might sound crazy, but, yes, I do.

Kind of part of the gig.

It certainly sounds nice,

and I wish you were right, Claire.

I really do.

Unfortunately, people are foolish.

People just want honesty.

They don’t know what they want.

They can’t see what matters.

They need looking after.

So what matters?

What matters is power.

You can hold it and use it.

And who’s using you?

Well, Claire, certainly people who don’t like

what you’re doing.

They don’t give a rat’s ass about journalists.

Mason: How much further?

Venegas: We’re almost there.

It’s just over the ridge.

[Singing in Spanish]

What’s with the singing, man?

You noticed?

Well, I believe that when one encounters danger,

you should sing to it.

You care to try?

Not much of a singer.

Not much of a dancer either.

Ha ha ha!

You’re not afraid of a big belly laugh

every now and again, huh?

Oh. Of course not.

I believe that one should always remember to laugh.

Well, I found out why I’m here.

Oh.

They wanted me to kill you.

That makes sense.

It does?

Of course.

You blame me for shooting down your helicopter,

for your friends dying, for your life ever since.

Then my late bodyguard Manuel gives you a gun

and lets you into my bedroom.

Wait. You knew about that?

I don’t stay in power

by not knowing things, Mason.

I’d be so bad at being a dictator.

No. You’d be great at it.

It’s just practice.

There is something important I need to tell you, though.

I didn’t shoot down your helicopter.

Come on, man.

I know you didn’t personally.

It was friendly fire.

Do you really think we can stop an American invasion

by shooting down one helicopter?

I mean, of course, I knew you guys were coming,

but there was nothing I could do to stop you,

so as a matter of fact, I was getting ready to take a boat to Cuba,

and suddenly, a helicopter gets shot down,

and everything stops just like that,

and the next morning, I get a visit

from one of my ex-patrons telling me that

the next time the helicopter would land

unless I signed off some new oil leases,

which of course I did.

We were pawns.

I am very sorry about your friends, Mason.

It’s just crazy how all this is going down

after you agree to do your first interview in 10 years.

Ah. That’s why you needed Claire.

You were gonna tell the truth before they could take you out

and replace you with somebody more user-friendly.

Venegas: We’ll stop here for the night,

and then, then we end the charade.

[Venegas whispering]

[Phone beeping]

Brother, you are killing me right now.

I’m worried sick about you.

Are you still with Venegas?

Yeah.

I cut ties with the South Africans.

I’m gonna make this go away.

Dude, we need to talk.

Gracias.

Sí.

Gracias.

De nada.

Thanks.

Mmm. Heh heh heh.

So I agreed to trade you for Claire.

Of course you did.

Heh. Yeah, it’s a…

move I haven’t totally thought through, but…

Hmm.

May I please use your phone?

For what?

I am going to call someone I trust.

Eduardo Lavato.

Who’s that?

He’s an old friend

and the shadow leader of the opposition party, too.

He’s very resourceful.

Mason, please, will you sit down and enjoy

a cup of espresso with me?

It’s the best one in Paldoñia, huh?

This is a stupid idea.

Gracias, amor.

What is that saying?

Keep your friends close,

keep your enemies closer.

Yes it’s from “The Go”… it’s from “The Godfather.”

America does produce some wonderful culture, don’t you agree?

Papi. Ha ha ha!

[in Spanish] You’re alive Papi!

I am!

It’s good to see you.

It was not my men who attacked you.

I know, I know.

Espresso?

Naturally.

Who is this?

[in English] This is my new American friend Mason Pettits,

and he’s very worried about you.

An American friend?

Mm-hmm.

You really have hit bottom.

Ah. Sit down. Sit down.

Eduardo: Did you know we went

to secondary school together?

Jesuits.

Jesuits.

And I could tell you something.

They did not let us get away with anything.

Nada. Hmm? Heh heh heh.

This is delicious.

So do tell.

What can the People’s Worker Party

and/or The Armed Revolutionary Front

of Paldoñia do for you today?

Just a petite favor, my friend.

Mason: So, uh, I got to ask.

Why have an espresso with a man who calls me

a thief and a butcher on a daily basis

and every so often lets off a bomb downtown?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, perception is reality, my friend.

I pay Lavato and his resistance.

Every couple of months, I let them blow up a car,

burn down a building, staging a caravan.

It’s like… it’s like a steam valve, you know?

Lets off pressure.

Psssss.

And then I crack down on them so everybody knows

they need Venegas to give order, huh?

Ha ha ha!

My granduncle, he…

Your granduncle you overthrew?

Yes, that one. He never understood this.

Took everything personally.

Of course, it backfired on him.

So wait.

So you… you bought the revolution?

Much simpler and a lot of cheaper.

It’s like you Americans like to say,

“A win-win.”

You should see Eduardo’s pool. Oh!

[Dog barking]

[Chickens clucking]

[in Afrikaans] Keep her there.

[in English] Colonel Koehorst?

Former South African SAS.

Three-two Battalion.

U.S. Army Special Forces?

Me? I’m a lawyer.

Sorry. All out of business cards.

Pretty brazen thing you’re doing here,

taking over a sovereign nation.

Sovereign?

When all’s said and done, no one’s gonna have

a problem with what we’re doing here.

The people of Paldoñia might.

They won’t know the difference.

Status quo, my friend.

You should have done what was expected, Sergeant Pettits.

Nah. I would have never gotten near him.

You see, Venegas knew it was going down.

You’d be surprised what that guy knows actually.

Sharp dude, great dresser.

Are we doing this then?

Let’s do it.

[in Afrikaans] Bring the princess out of the car.

[Grunting]

Unh!

Koehorst: Time for you to hand over Venegas

and piss off out of the country.

If you don’t do that in 5 seconds,

I’m going to kill your client in front of you.

1…

2, 3, 4…

OK. OK.

OK!

[Crowd cheering]

Unh!

Move!

Go, go, go! Aah!

Get back!

What was that?

That was my people, Claire, huh?

Now I give my people a message,

and you share it with the world.

Great. Let’s get started.

I… I can live feed it through Infamous Daily.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I cannot deliver such an important message from here.

We have to do it from my palace

with my nephew by my side.

Come on. What, do we just go up

and knock on the front door? No.

There is another way.

Oh. Watch your head there, OK?

This is the tunnel I used to escape

when they tried to kill me 8 years ago.

Are you sure this tunnel isn’t guarded?

Absolutely!

All the people who know about it are dead now.

What about the other times they tried to kill you?

Oh, that’s different dead people.

Let’s go.

[Cheering]

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Click]

Hey.

Aah! Ohh!

[in Spanish] Uncle!

No, no.

OK. Hey, hey, hey. Thank you.

No, thank you.

I am not here to hurt you.

[in English] It’s OK.

These are my American friends.

They are here to help.

What is this woman doing?

I’m live streaming this to the entire world.

Listen to me.

When you are no longer useful to them,

they are going to kill you.

Paldoñia deserves a better future,

not one controlled by corporations.

We… we don’t have to be monsters anymore.

Yes. Yes.

You’ve always been my favorite.

General Martínez.

[in Spanish] Mr. President.

Alive and kicking!

So I see.

Ohh!

Aah! Aah!

[in English] You good?

Yeah.

[Venegas groaning and coughing]

Yeah. I’m OK. I’m OK. I’m OK.

Look. Look.

Ahh. Heh. Ha ha!

Bulletproof suit from Medici.

Ha ha ha! Huh?

I should have one made for you.

[Gasps]

Jorge. Jorge.

[Grunting]

Jorge. Jorge.

You’re okay! You’re okay!

You’re okay!

[Coughing]

[Grunts]

Uncle…

Shh.

Uncle…

[Gasping]

They killed… me.

Shh. Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

I’m s… I’m sorry.

[Shushing]

[Footsteps]

Surrender!

Soldiers!

I know you are obeying orders.

My children…

You don’t have to do this.

My brothers.

You can change the destiny of this country.

Not for me.

But for you.

For your mothers.

For your fathers.

For your children.

This country has bled for too long.

This madness has to end.

[in English] Oh, shit.

[in Spanish] Now is the time to fight…

Fight… for this land.

My brothers.

Defend

your homeland.

[in English] Go!

Mason: Take cover!

Man: Suppressing fire!

Venegas: Go! Go for Paldoñia!

Hey! Not the time for coaching.

Fuck, man!

Oh!

[Speaking Spanish]

Spielberg, what the hell are you doing?

What?

Stay down!

Fine!

Take the tunnel, OK? Hold on. Hold on.

Ready? Go, go, go, go, go!

Follow me! Follow me!

Mason?

[Gunfire continues]

Go, go!

You’ve been hit.

I’m fine! Go!

Claire: Aah!

[Men groaning]

See? I’m fine.

Come in. We’re safe here.

This is my man cave.

Oh. You care for a drink?

Mason: Yeah. I always love a single malt

after I kneecap a few mercenaries.

[Hisses]

Come on, Mason. Embrace the suck.

Nnn, nnn, nnn.

Uh-oh.

Hmm. Ah! Yes.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

This way. Come on.

[in Spanish] Mr. Venegas?

Mr. President?

Yes…

Mason: Go!

Claire: Aah!

[in English] Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go.

That way. That way.

We have to go that way.

Claire: Aah!

[Grunting]

[Groaning]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Grunting]

Agh!

Get down.

OK.

Aah!

[Both grunting]

Let’s go! Let’s go!

OK.

Ready? Aah!

Errgh!

Say hello to your mates for me.

Shame it took so long to finish the job.

You… you killed my friends.

There were 7 of us.

RPGs aren’t that easy to aim.

It’s just a job, my friend.

[Gagging]

Unh!

[Thud]

Hey.

Where’d you learn that?

The throat thing?

Thank my dad for that.

I told you I could help.

[Distant gunfire]

[Gagging]

Let’s go.

[Men shouting]

Mason! I could really use your help right now.

Shit!

Shit!

Oh, my God.

Aah! Aah!

What?

Oh, oh.

Nothing.

Keep shooting them.

OK.

[Cheering]

Come on!

Let’s go!

Sebastian: On me!

Man: Down the hall!

Sebastian: Hey, bro!

Ha ha! Chicks Dig It!

Huh?

Huh?

It’s an inside joke.

Man: Go! Go! Go!

Different man: Take cover!

Sebastian: Come on!

Yes!

Unh!

Sorry I’m late, brother.

You kidding me?

Never thought I’d say this,

but I’d like to introduce you

to President Venegas.

Welcome to Paldoñia.

[in Spanish] Nice to meet you…

I think.

[in English] Oh!

Man: Retreat!

Anchor: The eyes of the world are still fixed on Paldoñia,

where the fallout from a failed coup continues to play out.

In a bold act of guerrilla journalism,

using a live stream through gossip site Infamous Daily,

celebrity reporter Claire Wellington provided

on-the-ground coverage of these shocking events.

The Paldoñian military were seen in an intense gun battle

with members of what we now know to be

a private military company.

Ms. Wellington has also uploaded

an exclusive uncut interview with President Venegas,

announcing a surprising reversal

in the Paldoñian system of government.

Claire: I know as a journalist

I’m supposed to stay objective and all,

but I have to say I really admire what you’re doing.

Well, you know what they say.

The man who touches honey will eventually…

lick his fingers.

Claire: Oh. Hmm.

Ha ha!

I really appreciate you two.

I really do.

And look. The world is finally seeing us,

and it is all because of you, Miss Wellington.

Looks like your tattoo was right.

Everything worked out just fine.

Worked out fine, thanks to you.

Team effort.

Yes!

The right people at the right time.

Yeah.

Let’s go tell a story to the world.

I will follow your lead.

Hold up just one second just so I know.

How many people in this room want to kill you right now?

Eh, probably half.

No, more than half. Ha ha ha!

Ah. Let’s go. Come on.

Uh…

[Reporters clamoring]

Venegas: Welcome.

As of today, I am no longer the president of Paldoñia.

A transitional government has been put in place

until the next free elections.

During this transitional period, $5 billion will be invested

in health, education, and infrastructure.

This is an investment in the people of Paldoñia.

Today, you get back what is rightfully yours,

and for the years to come, we’ll protect

and control these resources with the sole purpose…

Mason.

Of giving this beautiful nation…

Like, uh, dancing when he’s, like, not fluent.

He’s literally…

That’s only because you know…

[Grunts]

Anyway, I want to teach…

Daddy!

Hey, Worm. Ha ha ha!

Aww! Ahh!

And check this out.

Boom.

What happened to your face?

It’s a long story.

Oh, baby.

Here I am.

In one piece.

Just so you know, that broken man

you wanted a divorce, he disappeared somewhere

in South America.

Ha ha ha!

I was really hoping you’d reconsider.

Ah, you know what?

I think I’m gonna have to consult my lawyer.

Oh, Mason.

[Cell phone chimes]

I’m just gonna make a… quick stop.

Shit.

[ATM beeping]

Yes!

What? Huh?

Mason, voice-over: And just like that,

I saw an incredible life of minivans,

playdates, and amusement parks,

and for the first time in my entire overachieving life…

No!

That dance.

Mason, voice-over: I was happy.

What’s up?

What do you say we just take the rest

of the day off and spend it with the family?

Yeah!

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah.

Let’s do it.

You’re so cute. Why?

Uh, well, um…

Mason, voice-over: I had purpose.

He says he doesn’t know that I know.

I think he does know.

He was there, and then we came out,

and he was, like, just dick staring,

and it was, like, weird because, you know, like,

you only have 2 seconds, 5… 5 tops…

Well, because it’s… it’s impressive.

To stare at a guy’s dick.

You look at that, it is like a beast of its own.

He… it was, like… I’m telling you it was…

It’s a snake. It’s a monster.

8 Mississippi.

Mason: Yeah, it’s… yeah. All right. What else?

Are you a serious journalist for sure?

I am for sure a serious journalist,

and I would like you to take me seriously.

I don’t understand why…

I think… I think I can do that after what just happened.

You’re not.

No, that’s fair.

Yeah.

[Grunting]

2-5 seconds max, dude.

I am still very sorry.

I didn’t know you felt this way, but we can…

Those are… those are unwritten rules

on the walls of every YMCA.

There are rooms up there, We can… we can take this…

Every fucking YMCA has something

in the bathroom about 5 seconds dick staring max.

Really?

Yeah, man.

Welcome to America.

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