Sacha Baron Cohen’S Who Is America? – Episode 2 – Transcript

♪♪♪ [President Kennedy] Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
[President Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
[President Franklin Roosevelt] The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
[President Trump] “Uhh, I don’t know what I said. Uhh!”

♪♪♪ [man chanting in native language] [group chanting in native language] ♪♪♪

Erev tov. My name, Captain Erran Morad. Today, we learn defense from radical Islam terror. Picture the scene. You are chained to a radiator, naked with a bag over your head. All of a sudden, terrorists break in and kidnap you, completely ruining your birthday party. Yalla. What we waiting for? Let’s go.

My name Erran Morad. I was in the Mossad for… I mean, I was not in the Mossad for 13 years. I here to teach you Krav Maga. Who are you?

My name is Jason Spencer. I’m a state representative in the Georgia General Assembly. That’s the House of Representatives.

[Roland Martin, NewsOne Now] Jason Spencer, a Republican, threatened his former Democratic colleague after she criticized his support of Confederate monuments on Facebook.

[Christy Hutchings, Fox5 News] Representative Jason Spencer says his bill is definitely in response to mass terrorists.

[Cynné Simpson, Fox5 News] House Bill 3 would make it illegal for people to conceal their faces in public.

I don’t call it a burka ban. I call it an anti-masking statute.

Okay.

Okay, because…

Politically correct.

Because in the United… Well, to win in the legal system, you cannot… you cannot be against the First Amendment. See, this is how the Muslims in the country are using our First Amendment against them. You have to fight fire with fire.

Yeah, so do you know how to spot the difference between somebody who is a terrorist in a burka and the normal woman in a burka?

I cannot tell.

We have developed a technique.

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to know how to do this?

Sure. Absolutely.

♪ heavy metal music ♪

We take a selfie stick, and we take a photo underneath. It is the same that you do with the car.

Mm-hmm.

These are photos that I took.

Mm-hmm.

Look at these. This was a man.

Yeah.

What is that?

It looks like a Glock .45. Yeah.

You recognize this guy?

I recognize the gun.

I do not know whether this is a woman or a man with a explosive. We pretend to be a Chinese tourist… because the Chinese are always taking selfie. Okay. Convince him or her that you are Chinese. Go.

[imitating speaking Chinese] Konnichi wa. Red Dragon. Beijing. Hong Kong. Hong Kong. Sushi. Ah, I see there. Is this a Red Dragon? Do you speak Chinese? Ho Chi Minh City. [Mumbles] Thank you. Thank you. Red Dragon, chopstick. Sushi, sushi. [Mumbles]

Good. Let’s look at the picture. It’s not a terrorist.

♪ heavy metal music ♪

How to Stop a Kidnapping

Because of who you are, you could be the victim of kidnapping by ISIS. You have two second to attract attention. How do you attract attention?

You start screaming. Take your clothes off.

In America, there is one forbidden word. It is the N-word. Now, I am going to be the terrorist. You have three seconds to attract attention. Go!

N i g g e r! N i g g e r! N i g g e r! N i g g e r!

Wait! Are you crazy? The N-word is nooni, not this word. This word is disgusting.

Got it.

♪ heavy metal music ♪

How to Intimidate a Terrorist

ISIS are scared of being seen as homo. You know what it mean, homo?

Yeah, yeah.

If your buttock touch them, it mean they have become a…

Homosexual.

Now I am going to teach you how to use your buttocks to intimidate ISIS.

Hmm.

Show me the buttock. No, trousers down.

[zipper opens]

Okay. Go.

America!

Good. One more time, but louder with “America.”

America! [grunts]

Good. We say in the Mossad… I mean, not in the Mossad… “If you want to win, you show some skin.”

Okay.

Okay. Show it to me. Now try to touch me.

I’ll touch you. I’ll touch you with my buttocks! I’ll touch you! You better drop the gun, or I’ll touch you! USA!

Okay. Stop. You have to remind me, “If I touch you, you will become a homosexual.”

Okay.

Okay? Now try to touch me. Go!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Ah! Go!

Go, go!

Ah! Ah! USA! USA, motherfucker.

Okay, Jason, you show me your weapon. Go.

I’ll touch you! I’ll make you a homosexual! You drop that gun right now! USA!

Okay.

USA!

♪ dramatic music ♪

* * *

[woman speaking Italian] Wouldn’t you love to live the rich and famous life?
Meet Gio Monaldo, billionaire playboy and fashion photographer from Milan.
He is giving us a peek behind the curtain into the fabulous lives of the .001%

The Diamond Life of Gio

This week – Gio is in Los Angeles to get a celebrity to endorse his charity.

[camera shutters clicking]

Look at me. Okay. Lovely. Ah, beautiful.

[Chris] Welcome back to “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.” Joining me on the hot seat, Corinne, easily one of the most polarizing figures we’ve ever had on the show.

Why do we have to worry about her? It’s always like, “Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.” I’m sick of talking about Corinne.

I wish that all the Corinne [bleep] was done and over with.

[Gio] Charity is very important to you. Um, so in just a little bit, we’re going to do… We want to show that you are involved in a charity, so we want to do a little thing to say that you are helping Sierra Leone with Ebola.

Okay.

Fantastico.

[Corinne] Yeah.

We put you in here, no one’s gonna know it wasn’t you.

Oh.

And then we green screen, and it looks beautiful. And it’s great for the charity. Okay, C, look a little bit more to me now. Okay. Looking a bit happy. Okay. Yeah, I think because it’s flopping down, this bit needs to go up, so we put someone in green, green screen, and then we put them back in. Okay. Oh, oh, great. Put more, more desiring, vulnerable, vulnerable. Okay. I love it. Look at me now. All right. Laugh. Okay, beautiful.

[camera shutter clicks]

So we hope that we have the sponsorship from Miu Miu, so it’s okay you…

[woman speaking Italian]

So just hold here. Beautiful. With the Fendi glasses, okay. So beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. That’s it.

So charity is so important to you. Um, I hear that you helped some of the kids with Ebola in Sierra Leone, right?

Yes. Yes, of course. Helping is really important to me, so…

You know, some celebrities went there and didn’t do anything. You went there, and you actually helped carry some of the sufferers around. How did you get into that?

You know, it was one of those things where I kind of just… did it.

How long were you in Sierra Leone fighting this Ebola crisis?

Um, I was there for about a week.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah.

It’s great. Uh, it’s possible you say you were there for a month? Because the thing was about three months, so…

Okay. Yeah, but they’re gonna know that I wasn’t there.

No, no, no. We are… I run the charity, so don’t worry.

Okay.

How long were you there in the Sierra Leone helping with the Ebola?

I was there for about a month.

Oh, that’s amazing. That’s beautiful because I heard there was one very brave thing that you did. There was a warlord in Sierra Leone, and he wanted to do a massacre. And apparently, he recognized you, and, uh, you can tell us the story. He was going to do a massacre of this village, and what happened?

Um, so, he recognized me.

Wow.

And he was a really big fan, so…

Oh, amazing.

I know. Um, he was just, you know, really nice, actually, and he was really surprised to see me. I was surprised he knew who I was, and… Yeah, it was just really humbling.

What did he say? Did he say, “Oh, oh!” Did he freak out?

Yeah. He was, like, really excited and freaking out, so, I mean, it was good because, um, I saved 6,000 people.

It’s beautiful because I hate it when these people is just about their Instagram. It’s just about themself.

Yeah.

Tell me more. What did you say when he recognized you? What did you say to him?

I said, “Yes, it’s me,” and, um, I was like, “It’s so nice to meet you,” and, you know, I feel like because I was so kind back and I was so positive back, you know, it really helped with the whole massacre situation, so…

♪ dramatic music ♪

* * *

[Donald Trump] We are going to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.

[southern accent] He is the least-vain person in the world. I mean, ask anybody at Trump Tower, Trump Casino, any of the Trump resorts, Trump University, Trump steak houses or Trump Air. It’s never about him.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Fighting for the Truth

I’m sitting with Ted Koppel, and I’m here in Washington. What do you think about all the fake news that’s around at the moment?

Uh, I think it’s one of the great threats to democracy.

Well, I agree with you. What we’re witnessing is liberal elites who are trying to bring down the most popular president we’ve had in recent times.

When you say the most popular, he lost the popular vote by 3 million votes. You know that?

That is fake news. The liberal media, which I believe you are a part of, spread the lie that there were less people at Donald Trump’s inauguration than there were at Obama’s, and that is a plain lie.

You happen to be wrong, but that’s okay.

Well, let’s look at the evidence. Let’s look at real evidence.

Okay.

That is a photo. Excuse me. May I see that?

Yeah, that’s a photo.

That is a photo of Donald J. Trump’s inauguration.

It appears to be that, yes.

Well, look at the time, sir, 11:56 p.m. 11 hours and 56 minutes after the inauguration started, there were still… His supporters were packed in there.

It’s a daytime picture. What is 11:56 p.m.? Would you concede that 4 minutes before midnight is nighttime?

It was an eclipse.

Well, an eclipse would mean it was dark, not light.

Not if it was a solar eclipse.

Of course if it was…

No, if it was a solar eclipse, it means it would be light.

No, it means it would be dark. A solar eclipse is when the moon covers the sun.

No, a solar eclipse is when…

Solar…

…the sun covers the moon. That is a lunar eclipse.

How… Excuse me.

That’s not an…

Fake news.

That’s not an issue of opinion. You were…

In your opinion.

Not in my opinion. There are certain things that actually are factual.

Yes, and th-th-those things that I’m trying to show you, Mr. Koppel.

What are you trying to show me? You’re showing me a picture of inauguration day at daylight with someone holding up a sign that says 11:56 p.m.

That is a White House official clock.

What do you mean a White House official clock? I’ve never heard of such a thing. What is a White House official clock?

Well, let me say Obama’s inauguration. You think there were more people there, do you?

I do think there were more people there, yes.

Well, I have evidence to the contrary. Do you agree that that is the Obama inauguration?

I’m inclined to believe that it was. I have no reason to disbelieve you. -Go ahead.

Thank you. If we zoom in with 35 magnification, then we see that these are dummies. Somewhere between 68% and 69%…

I mean… Don’t shut it down, sir. I mean no disrespect to you, but this is a waste of time.

♪ dramatic music ♪

* * *

♪ heavy metal music ♪

Kill Or Be Killed

Shalom. Colonel Erran Morad here. Today, I took a 40-minute break from fighting terror to meet one of the world’s greatest humanitarians. It is a great honor to be next to a real mensch, Dick Cheney. Shalom.

Well, thank you. It’s good to be with you today. I look forward to the program.

You started so many wars… Afghanistan, Iraq one and Iraq two. Which was your favorite war and why?

Oh, I think it was what we did in Desert Storm. I really do. I never thought of it as having a favorite war. The…

Of course, but you got to enjoy it, too.

Yeah, sure. I-I loved being Secretary of Defense, um, especially in wartime, especially during Desert Storm…

It’s fun.

…when we had the capacity, you know, to… I deployed half a million men and women to the Gulf.

Fantastic.

And…

Fantastic.

…we had stealth technology. We had the precision-guided munitions.

Of course.

We had all of this capability that we developed, and, uh, some of it was used for the first time.

What do you think Iraq would have been like if you didn’t liberate it? Would it have been a breeding ground for terrorists and unstable?

Mm, I think it would have been. Yes. Um… I… We felt that it was, um, an important strategic interest.

I have killed some terrorists. How does it feel being the king of terrorist killers? I mean, you killed 100,000 actual terrorists and about 700,000 potential terrorists.

Well, I… it was never personal. I mean, I wasn’t…

Of course!

…in the same position you are, where, um, it was “kill or be killed.”

We wanted to see more of you. We wanted to get rid of Bush and see more Dick. Was that ever your aim?

No, never was.

And what about your family, your wife? Did your wife want to see more Dick?

Well, she wasn’t eager for me to go back into politics. We’d had a great run, and it was never an objective of hers.

♪ heavy metal music ♪

Why is it that people don’t give you enough credit for the many ways that you improved interrogation and humane torture?

Well, you’d have to ask them. I… We had a lot of very good people working for us.

Torturers, or…?

Uh, interrogators.

Sure, sure. Yeah.

We don’t call it torture.

What do you call it?

Enhanced interrogation is what we call it.

My neighbor in Tel Aviv is in jail for murder, or – as we call it – enhanced tickling.

Mm-hmm. You know, whether you call it enhanced tickling or murder, it still the same thing.

Yeah. To prepare for the interview, I Googled “Dick and torture,” and a whole lot of strange contraptions came up. But these are nothing to do with you.

No. I haven’t seen that. I’ll have to do that. I’d like to see that, how they treated it.

Yeah, there were… I Googled it, and there were contraptions with spikes and constraints. One was a kind of rod that goes deep inside the pubic…

No.

Were these anything to do with you?

No, we didn’t do anything like that. Waterboarding was the most physical we got.

Waterboarding is not torture. I once waterboarded my wife.

Mm-hmm.

She was cheating on me and I needed to find out with who, so I waterboarded her.

[chuckles] Uh-huh.

It turned out she was not cheating, but now I know to trust her words.

Mm-hmm.

And actually, she is a lot more compliant ever since.

Mm-hmm. Well, I didn’t have that problem.

♪ dramatic music ♪

I heard one time while hunting, there was a man who tried to attack you, and you had to shoot him in the face?

No. [laughs] Well, that’s a bit of a, uh, distortion. We were hunting, um, quail with shotguns.

You were hunting the Vice President Quayle?

Well, it wasn’t vice-presidential quail. It was… There’s Vice President Quayle, whose name is Q-U-A-L-E, and then there’s quail, and it is the birds that we hunt.

And which one were you trying to kill?

Birds.

Okay.

He came up on my right, and a bird flushed. And I turned on the bird and fired, and… but it did hit him with bird shot, dusted him basically with bird shot.

You did it by mistake?

It was a mistake. It was an accident.

Yeah. Come on. You are not some schmuck who is going to shoot a friend in the face. What did he do? Did he try to shtup your wife?

No, no, no.

You don’t shoot somebody accidentally. Come on. I know you.

[chuckles] I did. In this case, I did.

Oh, okay.

♪ heavy metal music ♪

It’s okay if I just get a quick Dick pic?

[camera shutter clicks]

Do you want me to send you the Dick pic?

Sure.

Okay, great.

-Yeah.

Thank you. Is it possible to sign my waterboard kit?

Sure.

Thank you. Find a space that…

Well, right here…

Yeah. “To Erran”… I don’t know, something funny like, “Good watering,” or… Fantastic.

There you go.

Fantastic. Thank you so much. I got Netanyahu, Ariel Sharon. I got Demi Lovato. She’s a brilliant singer.

Uh-huh.

I just find her voice fantastic.

Well, that’s a first. That’s the first time I’ve ever signed a water bottle used for waterboarding, very valuable.

♪ dramatic music ♪

* * *

♪ somber music ♪

[Corinne Olympios, Reality TV Star] Everybody knows about the tragedy of a child soldier in Africa, but what we don’t know is that the real tragedy is how underfunded and undertrained they are. Many are not very effective killers at all and are, in fact, more child than soldier. We want to change this so that they can be fighting well into puberty. That’s why we want you to join our program and adopt a child soldier. You will have a chance to support them through their childhood and pay for their training, equipment, and even ammunition. Have a look at the great work we do. This is T’Kembe. Look at him two months ago… tragic… but take a look at him now. Since he was adopted by Jessica Simpson, his life is much better. How can you help? It’s simple. For just $18 a month, you will get a message from your child soldier telling you about their progress. For example, “Today, we burned down a village and launched a grenade at a hospital.” For just $21 a month, you can get them a bayonet attachment and a grenade launcher. Without the grenade launcher, they have to get very close to refugee camps to throw it. Remember, when you launch a grenade, you launch a dream. One look into the eyes of a child soldier when he gets a new launcher, and you instantly know it’s all worthwhile. Act now, and you’ll receive the handmade drawing of how that child used your gift. Tomorrow’s veterans helping today’s child soldiers for a better tomorrow today.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪ We’ll be all right ♪

* * *

[Nira] Namaste. I’m a self-hating white male, and my name is Nira Cain-N’Degeocello. Two weeks after the election was stolen from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed. I’ve been cycling through our fractured nation to try and heal the divide.

Heal the Divide

♪ light instrumental music ♪

Kingman, Arizona… once a bustling mining town and home of civil rights activist Timothy McVeigh, now a depressed habitat for voters clearly still mourning the tragedy of Hillary’s election loss. What could be better to lift their spirits than news of an exciting new urban development that I decided to tell them about at a town-hall meeting I called?

Who wants to see huge economic growth here?

Everybody.

Right. Who wants to see an investment of $385 million? Guess what? You guys are going to get it. I’m here to tell you that Kingman has been chosen as the location of a brand-new, state-of-the-art mosque.

Mm. What? [chatter]

[man] A state-of-the-art what?

I know some of you are thinking, “Okay, this is just another typical mosque.” This, guys, is going to be the world’s largest mosque outside of the Middle East.

Just the word alone scares you. To me, when I hear the word “mosque,” I think of terrorism.

Is… Is there a need for this in Kingman?

Yes, there is.

How? Why? How? What?

Your town will become a hub for tourism from… for Muslims around the world. Can I get a, “Whoop, whoop”?

[all] No. We don’t want that shit here. If you bring in Muslims, we might have a problem. We probably will have a problem.

We’ll all be moving out of this state.

Okay. Let’s… Before we make up our minds, let’s take a closer look…

We’ve made up our minds.

…at this wonderful mosque.

We’ve made up our minds.

The Imam Zayed Wahabi Mosque of Kingman.

[woman] Oh, my God.

You guys will have the choice between two different designs. This is the first design. This is design one. And this is design two.

[woman] What the hell are you asking?

So who here supports design one?

Nobody!

Okay, so you’re all for design two?

Neither!

We said no! We don’t want either one!

Okay, so let me ask you, sir. You don’t like this construction. Tell me about your dream mosque.

There is no dream mosque!

We don’t want a mosque!

We don’t want a mosque! A mosque is for Muslims.

Mosque… As soon as you said “mosque,” you ruined it.

Where is the money coming from? It’s not going to be paid for by you. It’s primarily going to be paid for by the Saudi government…

Of course.

…the Clinton Foundation…

[indistinct shouting] That’s a big fucking mistake right there. You should have never brought that up.

She’s a piece of work.

[man] Around here, that’s even worse than the mosque.

Okay, listen. Can everybody be calm? Can everybody be calm? This is not a big deal. This is just a building.

It’s a huge deal!

It’s a building.

It’s not a building. It’s a fucking terrorist mosque!

What? Okay. Let me a-address terrorism. Rest assured, I share your concerns, and we will do everything we can to protect these Muslims from it. The mosque will have fortified walls, and there will be barricades to keep the…

Yeah, yeah, to keep the Muslims safe inside.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Why would we want them safe inside when we don’t even want them in our town, period?

Well, i-it would be to protect the worshippers from any, uh, violent racists.

It’s… It’s not us that’s causing the violence. It’s them.

Oh, no, no, no. Did you… I… I didn’t imply anybody here is racist. Of course not.

I am. I’m racist toward Muslims.

Let me continue, and then I…

That would probably look good in a fire.

Well, it would be made out of stone, so it won’t be able to burn. So that’s one of the anti-terrorist measures. I really believe by the end of this presentation, you guys are going to be completely convinced.

You’re wrong.

I doubt it.

[Nira] Let me show you how your town would change.

Unh-uh. Oh, hell no. You’re fucking kidding me, right? You change the name on that, and I guarantee you’re gonna have a fight on your hands. There ain’t a goddamn thing about that we like.

Can we hear from some of the Muslims in this room? How do you feel about it, sir? Are you a Muslim?

No.

There’s no Muslims here.

There is no Muslims here.

Oh, there are no Muslims here at all?

This town is lucky to have black people in it.

Yeah, of course you’re lucky to have black people. They add a lot to the society.

[indistinct shouting]

Thank you, sir. Finally, somebody who appreciates…

No, no, no.

…multiculturalism.

You’re totally missing… You totally missed…

Sir, you are completely right.

No, no.

The benefit of having African-Americans…

No. You’re not hearing me out.

…means a more diverse…

You’re not hearing him.

Thank you, sir. Don’t be ashamed.

He’s saying there’s black people in Kingman that aren’t welcome there either, but we tolerate them.

Okay. One thing I do in Bend, Oregon, is, sometimes, when there there is an atmosphere of tension, which there is here, I use music to alleviate the tension. There is a wonderful song that I use that relaxes people, and it’s from the Xhosa Tribe in South Africa. It goes like this.

[singing in foreign language]

I’m not into that. I gotta go.

[singing continues]

There ain’t nothing calming about that at all. [woman]

I listened enough to that when I worked at Texaco with… and I don’t…

Pardon me, where… where are you going? You are triggered, and you are feeling some anger.

[singing continues]

You’re pulling the trigger harder now. We don’t want to hear that shit.

[singing continues]

You really think this is calming us? This will calm if you close your eyes.

It’s not calming us! It’s pissing us off!

Close your eyes.

[singing continues]

I understand exactly why there was told ‘No weapons’ here.

[woman] Yes!

Why is that, sir?

Because you come down here and open your mouth and say this kind of shit in front of us, Arizonites, somebody is going to get hurt.

Well, I’m going to write that down.

[man singing in foreign language] ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

* * *

A Message to Terrorists
from Rep. Jason Spencer

All you damn sand n i g g e r s over in the Middle East, we are tired of you coming to America, and we are tired of you trying to threaten us. We will cut off your dick. You understand? We will take your dick, and we will shove it in your mouth, pull it off, and put it in your mouth. How are you going to rape children and women without a dick? I’m Jason Spencer. I’m an elected official in the state of Georgia. I’m a State Representative and member of the Georgia General Assembly. ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪