Sacha Baron Cohen’s Who Is America? – Episode 1 – Transcript

Sacha Baron Cohen offers his take on America's patriotism.

Transcript of Episode 2 now available here


[President Kennedy] Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
[President Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
[President Franklin Roosevelt] The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
[President Trump] “Uhh, I don’t know what I said. Uhh!” ♪♪
[man chanting in native language] [group chanting in native language] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

Draining the Swamp

[President Trump] We are going to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.

[Southern accent] I want to confront the mainstream media, and I want to take them down, one by one. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

Hi. I’m Billy Wayne Ruddock, uh, from And I’m here in Washington with Bernard Sanders, uh, to talk about the political situation, see whether we have any common ground. So, let’s start with a real hot potato. Do you believe in Obamacare?

I thought it was a good start. I don’t think it went as far as it should.

You believe it should have gone further?

Of course.

But Obamacare doesn’t work. I mean, I know personally. I was a healthy man, and Obamacare came in. I was forced to see a doctor. And suddenly, I had three diseases. Suddenly, I had, uh, diabetes one and two, I had obese legs, and I had chalky deposits.

Well, Billy, obviously, I don’t know about your… your healthcare. I’m not your doctor. The… The more important question is… and I can answer that question…

Sure. Please do.

Should I be paying taxes to make sure that people like yourself with disabilities can live with dignity? What do you think?

I prefer to be anally raped rather than give one more dollar to the Treasury.

You… May I be personal with you?


Are you… You have a disability?

No, I don’t. This here scooter is to conserve my body’s finite energy.

What America is supposed to be about is, it’s a land of opportunity.


If you describe America…

I agree with that.

Okay. But what we have now, we have a situation where the top 1/10 of one percent now owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%. So there’s a lot that has to be done. And the goal is to create a nation that works for all of us, not just the one percent.

But if people… Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt. No, it’s all right. But rather than complain about the one percent or the 0.1%, why not make the rest of America put them into the one percent?

Well, if you put everybody into the one percent, it wouldn’t be the one percent.

Well, no, it still would be.

No, it wouldn’t be.

If I can… If you…

The rest of the population, by definition, they’re not in the one percent. They’re the rest of the population.

But if you…

All of the population is 100%.

All right, so, this is simple math. If you have one percent here, one percent, you have 99%.


And if you move the nine in there, you have 19. And then you move the other nine there. Well… If you believe in equality, why not have 100% of the people in the one percent? These aren’t my figures. This is the International Institute of Scientific Truth and Knowledge. So this has been proven that this can work.


This might lead to some increase in the deficit, but, essentially, it is possible.

Uh, what is your proposal, Billy? What…

That you keep the one percent, but you move the 99% into the one percent.

Look, I…

And so you have 199, you just move over the nines. You have… The 99% are in the one percent.

Billy, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I-I really don’t.

* * *

Heal the Divide

♪♪ [Cain-N’Degeocello] Namaste. I’m Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello. And I’m a cisgender, white, heterosexual male, for which I apologize. Two weeks after the election was stolen from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed. I’ve been cycling through our fractured nation, listening respectfully, without prejudice, to Republicans, with the hope of changing their racist and childish views, to try and heal the divide. ♪♪

I stopped in South Carolina to dine with a couple who suffer from white privilege.

I am the, um, county representative of the state Republican Party. And I was a delegate in Cleveland that nominated Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence.

And politically, where… where do you stand?

I’m a staunch Republican.


The press needs to understand that Donald Trump understood that we needed to bring jobs back to America.


He really understands Washington.

And he wants to make America great.

Washington is a…

And I truly believe he believes that.

Yeah. Now, we would traditionally say grace. Is that all right with you?

In my household, we normally start with a, uh, First People chant. Uh, may we?

Of course.

Sure. Yeah.

[chanting in foreign language] [chanting continues] [chanting continues]




If… If I may say, how do you challenge gender stereotypes in your house?

Um, my husband does the sort of traditionally female household roles in our household, just ’cause he’s better at it.

For example?

I do all the laundry. I usually… Since she does all the cooking, I do all the cleanup.

I mean, in… in our yurt, the… We try to challenge the gender stereotypes, which, my son, Harvey Milk, is not allowed to urinate standing up. And our daughter Malala…

Well, see [stammers]

Hey, hey, don’t interrupt.

Well, ou– our daughter… Our daughter Malala… Has to urinate… is obliged to urinate standing up. And, sure, she complains. Sure, there’s sometimes a mess.

Yeah, she’s peeing on her feet.

So, you force them to have these rules?

Well, there are compliance cams in the bathroom to… that myself and Naomi occasionally check. We guide them. We do not enforce them.

So, you have compliance cameras in the bathroom that your children…

In the bowl, in the bowl.

That your children can’t urinate in whatever way they feel like they need to?

Malala has started menstruating. Mm-hmm. And we’re… we’re very proud about that. But she’s too young to use my partner, Naomi’s, uh, recyclable cup. So we came up with a solution, which was for her to free-bleed and…

Mm. Not appropriate. No. Not ap– Not app–

Honey, don’t pass judgment.

Mm. Okay.

So, w-we found that if we put a cloth on a chair, firstly, it protected the Herman Miller chairs, which we love.

Well, I don’t blame you. They’re great chairs, so that’s great.

They’re fabulous chairs.

But, uh… we have Malala sit on a flag and free-bleed. And we…

On a flag?

Yes, on a flag. It’s a teachable moment. Because we teach her about the bloodshed that arose from the creation of our country. The… The interesting thing was, we noticed that when she free-bled on our nation’s flag, the American flag started resembling the Chinese flag. And so we’ve started this menstrual flag program, and it’s actually sponsored by the Clinton Foundation, and it’s proving to be popular. I do not want you to judge me for this, but there was a time when my partner, Naomi, took a porpoise lover. A… A dolphin that she met in Tulum.

A dolphin?

Which… Which apparently is… Pardon me?

Excuse me? As in a water animal?

A mammal that swims in the ocean?

Yes. Okay. I found it very difficult being cuckolded by Darwin.

I would… I-I… I empathize with those feelings that you have, because I am a little amazed that she would even want to.

My first instinct was, let’s move to a landlocked state.

Oh, get her away from the sea?


How does one compete with…

A dolphin?

…a sea mammal?

I mean, if you could have seen me that first time with my flippers on, just trying to…

Trying to figure this out.

Trying to catch up and trying to compete.

You can’t.

So… But how long did it take you to get past this whole intercession into your relationship?


Well, we had therapy. Mm-hmm. And now we spend three months a year in Oahu.

And she has a relationship with another mammal there?

I don’t ask.

* * *

Ex-con Second Chance

♪♪ ♪♪ [narrator] On tonight’s show, Rick Sherman tries to get representation for his artwork from a gallery in Laguna Beach, California.

Hello, there, Rick. I’m Christy. [British accent]

Yeah, Rick.

Nice to meet you. Welcome to Coast Gallery.

Lovely to meet you.

It’s a pleasure to have you. So lovely.

Thank you so much for, like, agreeing to see me. It’s like a dream come true. Yeah.

How long were you incarcerated?

No, not that long. About 21 years, so… Phew. I didn’t do anything bad. Don’t worry. You know, I got put inside for a long time ’cause I made one mistake, just 14 times.

With perfect candor, believe me, I’ve done my fair share of things where they could have thrown me in jail.

I’ll bet they have! [laughs] No, really?

I think we all have on some level, especially underage drinking.


I mean, et cetera, et cetera.


There are so many, you know…

My art is the result of my environment. I was a bit naughty. I’m in solitary. So I-I did a dirty protest. Don’t mean to… You’re a lady, but, you know, I did…

Feces on the wall?

Fe– Feces on the wall. And it’s on the wall. The guards come in. They’re furious. And then the guard’s about to rub it off, and he… he stops, and he goes, “Wait a minute. That’s pretty good.”

Wow. That’s art.

“Who done that?” And I think, “Wait a minute. Maybe… Maybe I do have something.” So I decided to paint what was in my gut. So, in my art, there’s a lot of white and yellow and red and, obviously, a lot of brown.

You were taking all the bad stuff, all the stuff you didn’t need, everything built up inside your body that would otherwise cause you to become septic, you’re releasing it, and then you’re turning it into something beautiful.

Shall I show you some of the stuff? Okay. Bit nervous.

Well, do whatever you got to do. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself. Realize that you’ve been led here by fate, by destiny. Everything is gonna be fine.

Okay. [breaths deeply] Don’t be a twat. Come on. Come on, Ricky. Come on, Ricky. You’re a big… You’re a big boy. You’ve got talent. You’ve got talent. Big boy. Those are two blokes who was in the next cell to me.

Well, I think on some level, it’s very simple in terms of it being a piece of cardboard, and just some marker, I guess, is what you used.

No, no, no. That’s my own feces.

This is your own fec– Okay, I apologize. I didn’t realize we were exactly… Okay. So, you’ve taken… Yeah, you’ve taken waste and turned it into a portrayal of life. Uh, they… they seem to definitely have different characters, even from this sort of minimalist rendering in terms of their facial expressions.

They did. Well, yeah, he was a burglar, and he was a kiddie fiddler.

Did you show these guys this?

Yeah, I did.

And what was their response, if I might ask?

He loved it. He tried to stab me, because he said, “What? You’ve done this with your shit?” The white on that, I used about 85 lots of ejaculate to it. I didn’t have enough white paint. So I collected… collected it from my cell mate.


I would, uh, fel– felicitate his… his phallus… Mm-hmm. in order to extract his white paint. Eventually, he found out… while I was doing it.

Oh, he wasn’t aware? Wow. Okay.

You know, he… he… he reaped his revenge on me in a very brutal way.

How did he reap his revenge, if I might inquire?

He put a chair leg up my ass. [sighs]

I’m sorry you had to endure that.

On the plus side, though, it did give me some red paint that I used for another piece. I have moments of doubt where I think the only thing I’m good for is bashing people on the head. And that maybe I’m mad with this dream of becoming a world-famous artist just by using my shit and cum. Am I?

I think we’re all mad, and I think we’re all normal, at the same time. You know, I mean, I hesitate to use the word, because I don’t mean to burden you, but just by virtue of the medium, you know, it’s indicative of a sort of genius.

What? Christy, as an artist, I find you very inspiring, and you make me feel very creative. I-I actually feel inspiration coming.

Well, let’s… let’s get busy.

Do you…

Keep producing.

Do you mind excusing me for a moment?


Be back.

Well, I guess this is the part where the art gets made. [door opens, closes] Who knew the world was capable of such oxymoronic, paradoxical juxtapositions?

[blows] I did this for you.

Wow. That’s… That’s pretty spot-on. I feel like I’m looking in the mirror, but… except for the medium. I’ve even got a glow in my eye.

Yeah, that’s some of the cum. This brush here, I’m actually collecting pubes from different artists. The… The light-brown one is actually Damien Hirst’s.

Oh, wow.

But Banksy actually sent some. It’s the really dark-brown stuff over there.

Are you asking me for a sample?



Well. I-I…

Just kidding.

No, no. Honestly, no, I would be honored if you would give even one hair to that. I’ll be honored. I’ll be completely flattered. And the… the… the pubic hairs that are on there…

Okay, I’ll give you one. Sure. Right now?


Let’s try to get a good one here.

If you could get a couple, you know. However many you’re comfortable with. I feel embarrassed to even ask for one.

I offered. You didn’t ask.

Oh, that is so generous. Wait a minute. It’s…

I might be able to get a little better. Let me try here.

Yeah. But there’s six beaut–

Okay, here we go. Here’s a nice…

Oh, hold on. Really appreciate you doing that.

My pleasure.

* * *

Kill or Be Killed

♪♪ [speaking native language] My name… Colonel Erran Morad. I am the terrorist terminator. [gunshot] In America, there is big problem of shootings in schools. The NRA want to arm the teachers. This is crazy. They should be arming the children. Yalla! Let’s go! ♪♪

To get deadly weapons into the hands of America’s schoolchildren, I needed the help of gun-rights hero Philip Van Cleave.

[Piers Morgan]My next guest is a gun-rights advocate who says the Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle, the type of rifle that Adam Lanza used to kill 20 children and six more adults, is “a blast to shoot with. Guns are fun.” Some of them are much more cool than others.” Are you proud of what you said?

It’s just a fact.

In America, there have been a lot of shootings in the school and in the university. What do the liberals say is the reason for this and the solution?

Well, they blame it on guns.


Yeah, it’s crazy, because people…

They blame it on the guns?


[speaking native language] Meshugge.

Yes, it is.

We start a program in Israel for kinder-guardians.


We train them from the age 16 down to the age three.

Yeah, well, I-I think it would be a… a good idea. We’ve… We’ve been pushing something along this line for years, but really haven’t gotten any traction with it. We were thinking seventh or eighth grade. You’re talking much younger than that.

My son was in the very first program. May he rest in peace. Uh, he died doing what I love.

Yeah, they haven’t quite developed, uh, what we call “conscious,” where you… you feel guilty about doing something wrong. That’s developing. You’re learning right and wrong. If they haven’t developed that yet, they could be very effective soldiers. This year, in our state government, they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal for someone four years old to 12 years old to have access to a gun. Oh, we killed… We killed the bill.

What? They tried to stop four-year-old children from having access to guns?

Yes. Yes.

What is the logic that these people come up with?

They just think that children, uh, can’t handle them.

We want three-years-old who are real experts at what they’re doing, not three-year-olds who are reckless.


And we don’t teach two-year-olds, because they call it the “terrible twos” for a reason.

Yes, there’s a reason. Yes.

So, I would like you to help me do instructional video for three-year-olds.


♪ [whimsical music plays] ♪

♪♪ Shalom, children. My name Erran Morad. I here to show you that guns, when used responsibly, with training from grown-ups, can help keep you safe in your school. Here to help teach you is Philip Van Cleave. Not every strange man you meet gonna be friendly and non-threatening like me.

Today, we’re going to teach you how you can stop these naughty men and have them take a long nap.

That’s right, and that’s why you’re going to meet a friend of mine. His name is Puppy Pistol. [dog barking] Now, Philip, will you show us how to feed Puppy Pistol?

To feed him, take his lunchbox and push it into his tummy, like this. Just remember to point Puppy Pistol’s mouth right at the middle of the bad man. If he has a big, fat tummy, point it there.

[laughs] Great! It’s fun.


Puppy Pistol is part of a whole group of new friends that your parents can get you called Gunimals. Wouldn’t you love to meet this little Gunny Rabbit?

He’s ready to put the naughty man on a very long time-out.

How about the magical Uzicorn?

Well, this is one for the girls. It’s a lovely little unicorn that you can play with.

Dino-Gun can stop an entire crowd of bad men.

And, tots, you’ve got to learn that Dino-Gun eats and spits his candy really, really fast.

Rocket Ship RPG will take you to the moon.

Or, rather, the bad guys are going to the moon, if they attack your school with a truckful of big, scary fireworks.

And introducing BFF, a starter gun for infants 24 months and under. BFF is so easy to fire, even a baby can use it.

BFF wants to help you pull the string on a bad guy. Make bang-bang.

♪ whimsical music plays ♪ [to the tune of “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”]

♪ Aim at the head, shoulders ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪


♪ Head, shoulders, not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪


♪ Eyes, ears, and belly and nose ♪
♪ Head, shoulders, not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪


[Erran] Now that I had a common-sense training video, it was time to take it to the nation’s capital.

I just arrived in Washington to see if someone will back my kinder-guardian’s program.

I needed to find politicians who would fight for the Second Amendment right of toddlers to bear firearms at preschool. So I met with lobbyist Larry Pratt, director of Gun Owners of America, which have 1.5 million brave members.

The evil’s in our hearts, not in the guns.

Do you think the liberals are using these school shootings to further their anti-tragedy agenda?

They’re trying, but it’s… it’s not that hard to find a student who does think that way, because that’s what they’re being taught in the schools.

We actually found out that, in schools, it not only important to arm the teachers… important to arm certain gifted children.

Oh, that’s great.

We train from 16-year-old, uh, up to four-years-old.

This segment of the conversation would absolutely cause heads to explode here in this country. Not all. Why?

Because they will be shot or…

Because that they’re… they’re so prejudiced against young people having guns, and especially in a school.

The only thing that stop a bad man with a gun is a good boy with a gun.

Yeah. Uh, even a good toddler.

Exactly. A toddler. Really. The great thing about toddlers is, they don’t have any fear of guns. This fear is really given to you by the media.

That’s a good point. Well, if they hear somebody shouting, “Allahu Akbar,” they’re likely to instinctively go for that gun.

We had one problem with this. There was a Muslim gardener who was praying, and he said, “Allahu Akbar,” and he got… He got shot.

[laughing] Pray in… Pray in secret.

Women need a gun, you know. My wife, she have a gun. And she shot me once. You know, what can I do? I get horny in the middle of the night, but it’s not, uh, rape if it’s your wife, eh?

[both laugh]

Right? Right?

That probably won’t be on the video we send to the Hill.

Oh, no, no, no.


What do I need in order to introduce this program into America?

There are a few members of Congress that, I think, would be as receptive to what you’re doing as I have been. I’d be very happy to see if we could get them interested, to set some time aside.

Great. Let’s see if we can stop these anti-gun people from getting everyone killed.

Yeah. Yeah, they’ve got blood on their hands.

Now that I had this Pratt on board, I was welcomed into the halls of Congress, where I sat down with a House representative and outlined my common-sense proposal.

[Rep. Matt Gaetz, Congressman (R) – Florida] Oh, the… the… You want me to say on television that I support three- and four-years olds with firearms? Is that what you’re asking me to do?

Uh, yes.


You can…

Typically, members of Congress don’t just hear a story about a program and then indicate whether they support it or not.

[Trent Lott, Former Senate Majority Leader (R)] I support the kinder-guardian’s program. We, in America, would be wise to implement it, too. It’s something that we should think about, America, about putting guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens, good guys, whether they be teachers or whether they actually be talented children or highly-trained preschoolers.

[Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, Congressman (R)-CA] Maybe having many young people trained and understand how to defend themselves in their school might actually make us safer here.

[Rep. Joe Wilson, Congressman (R)-SC] A three-year-old cannot defend itself from an assault rifle by throwing a Hello Kitty pencil case at it. Our Founding Fathers did not put an age limit on the Second Amendment.

[Joe Walsh, Former Congressman (R)-IL] The intensive three-week kinder-guardian course introduces specially selected children from 12 to four years old to pistols, rifles, semi-automatics, and a rudimentary knowledge of mortars. In less than a month, less than a month, a first grader can become a first grenader.

[Larry Pratt] Toddlers are pure, uncorrupted by fake news or homosexuality. They don’t worry if it’s politically correct to shoot a mentally deranged gunman. They’ll just do it. The science behind this program is proven. At age four, a child processes images 80% faster than an adult, meaning that, essentially, like owls, they can see in slow-motion. Children under five also have elevated levels of the pheromone Blink-182, produced by the part of the liver known as the Rita Ora. This allows nerve reflexes to travel along the Cardi B neural pathway, to the Wiz Khalifa, 40% faster, saving time and saving lives.

[Joe Walsh] When it comes to the safety of our children…

[Larry Pratt] …the way to stop bad guy with a gun…

[Trent Lott] …is a good kid with a gun.

[Larry Pratt] A good kid with a gun.

[Joe Walsh] A good child with a gun. Happy shooting, kids.

[man chanting in native language] ♪♪ ♪♪ [group chanting in native language] ♪♪

[man] And how would you define Nira’s values or his value system?

I-I don’t know.

Can I be crudely honest? Fucked up.

♪♪ ♪♪

[Christy Cones] I never knew something so repulsive could be so beautiful. As far as I’m concerned, he just raised the bar for all artists.

♪♪ ♪♪

Read more (external links)

Christy Cones: Laguna Beach Art Dealer in ‘Who is America’?


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