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Orny Adams: More Than Loud (2017) | Transcript

"Orny Adams: More Than Loud" is a stand-up comedy special that showcases the vibrant and forceful comedic approach of Orny Adams
Orny Adams: More Than Loud

Title: Orny Adams: More Than Loud
Type: Stand-up comedy special
Release date: December 1, 2017
Availability: You can watch the full special for free on YouTube

“Orny Adams: More Than Loud” is a stand-up comedy special that showcases the vibrant and forceful comedic approach of Orny Adams. This special, which aired on Showtime, represents Adams’s third significant venture into stand-up specials, following his previous appearances on platforms like Netflix and Comedy Central. In this performance, Adams traverses the stage with the intensity of a “comedic panther on the prowl,” exemplifying his spirited and captivating demeanor.

Throughout the performance, Adams deftly switches between sharp societal critiques and whimsical personal anecdotes. He is recognized for his biting commentary on the world’s ills and shining a light on his own quirks and peculiarities, with a style that melds satire with raw honesty and unyielding vigor, marking the distinct flavor of his comedic craft.

Adams’s performance is both commanding and insightful, offering an experience that is as intellectually stimulating as it is enjoyable. He oscillates between addressing significant, topical issues and diving into more lighthearted, fantastical subjects, demonstrating his adeptness at exploring both profound themes and everyday absurdities. The material in “More Than Loud” mirrors his dedication to not only commenting on broader societal matters but also exploring the nuances of personal experience, presenting a well-rounded perspective of his comedic viewpoint.

Available on a variety of streaming platforms, “More Than Loud” allows viewers to indulge in Adams’s dynamic comedy from anywhere. Known for his vigorous and compelling performances, Orny Adams’s special is an invitation to an entertaining and reflective journey, offering an equal measure of laughter and thought for anyone drawn to stand-up that cuts deeper than mere entertainment.

Tour dates: Orny Adams is currently on tour, you can find his upcoming shows on his website: https://www.ornyadams.com/tour/
Podcast: Adams also hosts a podcast called “What’s Wrong with Orny Adams,” where he discusses current events and other topics.

* * *

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, we only have an hour.

(audience laughing)

Have I offended anybody yet? We, it’ll happen. It happens fast! We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft. Watch this. What are you allergic to? Nothing! Nothing! Gluten wouldn’t take down our generation. (audience laughing) We’re not allergic to things like peanuts. You know why? Our parents made us eat peanuts. (audience laughing) They made us eat peanuts until we weren’t allergic to peanuts.

(audience applauding)

And if our throat started to close up, you know how they opened it up? They shoved more peanuts down it! (audience laughing) I’m not allergic to germs. Watch this. Shake my hand. Look at that, that’s how you shake a hand. I don’t care about ger, listen. I’m starting to really hate people. Let me start out with that. I went to shake a guy’s hand the other day. He goes, “Oh no-no-no-no-no-no. I just washed.” (audience laughing) That’s when I want to shake your hand! (audience applauding) Not when it’s filthy. “Oh oh good timing. I, I was about to wash. Now I can fit another shake in.” Do you, do you see how crazy it’s gotten? I was raised on germs, okay? Germs are good for you. I didn’t wash my hands until I was 22!

(audience laughing)

In my family, there were five people, one sink, one hand towel. Five people shared one hand towel that never dried. (audience laughing) It’s still wet. When I got home, it’s still wet from 1989. (audience applauding) And I just found out recently that none of us ever touched the front of the towel, ’cause that’s where we thought everybody else was touching. (audience laughing) We all snuck around back. Turns out that’s where the polio, scabies, hand-foot, mouth, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes disease was hangin’ out! We didn’t have antibacterial soap when I was a kid. No! The old germs killed the new germs!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

We didn’t have this little wussy pump soap that you guys, can you say “Wussy”? Can you say “Wussy”? I don’t wanna upset the little millennial word police! (audience laughing) “Orny said, “Wussy’! Orny said, “Wussy’!” How about these people on Twitter that have five followers. Why don’t you just text everybody you know? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I like germs. Germs make you stronger! We didn’t even have pump soap. We had a bar of soap. We had a bar of soap that lasted so long, it rusted, it rusted! It would crack and rust, and in the cracks there were rivers of mud. This is what you used to wash your hands. I have an immunity. I shake hands, I don’t care. I grew up in a time, you’re not gonna believe, how old are you?

Me?

No, the kid, what is this? What, how old are you?

12.

12! (laughing) That’s adorable. Look at him. Let me tell ya something. What’s your name?

Hudson.

Hudson? (audience laughing) Hudson You not gonna believe this. I grew up in a time, Hudson, when salad bars, there was no glass! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There was nothing in between you and the lettuce! It was like the Wild West! People got right up in it! You watched them. You watched people like, ptuh! Ptuh! They spit all over. They spit all over it, Hudson, and you ate it! You ate it! (audience applauding) That was the price you paid for unlimited lettuce! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now you can’t get near it. The salad bar, it’s like they got that glass up. You gotta, you gotta lean in against the glass. You can’t get near the lettuce, but your face is licking, it’s disgusting, the, “I’m going in for the baby corn! Does anybody want the, hold my foot! Hold my foot!” I’m in a level two yoga move, trying to get the baby corn! You know, we used to touch door handles in the bathroom? (audience laughing) Remember that? Wasn’t so long ago! Then all of a sudden everybody started to take a paper towel, like, like they committed a crime and they’re wiping prints.

(audience laughing)

Now we got a problem, right, ’cause the eco-freako people, have taken away the paper towels. They’re making us stick our hands into this, Dyson, hand kidnap, it’s dangerous! It’s dangerous, it, it throws your hand around at 500 miles per hour. It’s narrow and you, and you don’t want to touch the sides, so it’s, it’s like that, the game “Operation.” It’s like, (imitating buzzer) shit! I touched the side! Now I gotta wash ’em again. I got it this time. (imitating buzzer) Damn it! And you still don’t want to touch the door handle, right? So now, now you gotta hang out in the bathroom like you’re a creep! Waiting for somebody to come in, and then slide by ’em like a crab, like a, some sort of military operation, like I’m, I’m doing CrossFit exercises in the bathroom! (audience laughing) This is so, if you have to catch up, it’s okay.

(audience laughing)

(woman laughing)

Get her closer to a microphone. This is the world we, (audience laughing) we have gotten too soft. We have gotten too soft. (audience laughing) Now I’ve lost my place. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just want to make sure we get it all. Well, you don’t have to zoom in on the list, do ya? (audience laughing) Can we make this look spontaneous? (audience applauding) You can’t get me sick! You can’t get me sick! We didn’t have bottles of water when I was a kid. Filtered water? That’s what your kidneys are for! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We drank out of a hose! (crowd cheering) And it wasn’t even our hose. (audience laughing) We went up to some house we didn’t even know, and we just turned on the hose and dirt flew out and spider eggs and, lead. Lead runs through my veins! We had to drink out of a hose because we weren’t allowed inside of the house until five p.m.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I don’t know what the parents were doing till five p.m. ‘Cause we weren’t allowed inside of the house, until five p.m. Our parents, every day, they said, “Get lost! Come back at five.” And if we didn’t come back, you know what they did? They had another kid! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They didn’t know where we were all day! I was with my friend Sean. We were biking. He got hit by a car! We then sat outside of his house until five p.m. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Until we were allowed in. We told his parents and then they stitched him up.

(audience laughing)

We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft, Hudson. I don’t even know if you’re a millennial or if you’re, if you’re post a problem of the millennial. (audience laughing) But these millennials are out here, Where are people in their 20s? (crowd cheering) The most annoying people in our society, these, these, look at ’em. Look at ’em! Look at this guy right here. No, look at you. Yes, you. How old are you? 27. You are dumb! You are dumb! (audience laughing) He’s so dumb, he’s laughing while I’m calling him dumb. (audience laughing) I’m kidding. What is your name, buddy?

My name is Perry.

erry, what a masculine name. (audience laughing) Let me tell ya somethin’, Perry. Your generation came onto our planet, and you ruined it! You changed too much. I mean, they’re out there right now judging me, on a criteria I did not grow up with. (audience laughing) I don’t even know what gender I am anymore! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I mean, I’m not being flip, there’s a lot of new choices, and I haven’t done all the research, you know. Maybe I fit into something else, and I’m fine with that. I’m ready for a change. Millennials have taken away all the fun. It’s not fun anymore, do you realize that? Everything’s gotta be equal for you guys. Everything’s gotta be eq, can’t be a man in bed, can ya? What’s, what’s the fun talk for a millennial guy like? You’re with a girl like, “Are you my little equal? Who’s my, (audience applauding) who’s my little equal? Who’s my strong, independent?” Get that guy laughing right there! Get it on him! Look at him! I haven’t had an erection since the millennials took over. (audience laughing) You have to have sex on the side so nobody’s in a power position.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

These millennials came onto our planet. You changed the way we sneeze. For thousands of years, (imitating sneezing) this was fine. (audience laughing) This, this is bullshit! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is dumb. This makes no sense at all. The hand was made for sneezing. This is a perfect vessel. This, ricochets back into your face. I got stuck in there one time. It doesn’t work. I wash my hands several times a day. I’ve never washed this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I’ve never seen somebody go, “I just.” go into a public restroom, “I, I, I just, I just sneezed into my,” there’s not even a name for this, “my, my millennial pit. I just sneezed into my…” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They’re so sensitive and they all come preinstalled with ADD.

(audience laughing)

They all have ADD and they love to tell ya. “I have ADD!” I’m like, “You’re lucky to have ADD.” In this day and age, with all these distractions, Can you imagine having ADD in the 1600s? (audience laughing) Maybe a horse went by every four hours. They’re out sitting, they’re churning the butter. “This, this, this sucks! I’ve got, I’ve got a disorder, something.” Something distract me. What was that, a leaf? No, back to this, this.” I’m so glad I grew up before social media. I, I really, I couldn’t handle that in high school. Ooh, ooh.

(audience applauding)

I feel bad for the young people. I mean, you know, In high school, I, I suspected I was a loser. Now, now it would be digitally confirmed, you know? I can handle it as an adult, you know what I mean? It’s like, hey, if it wasn’t for social media, I wouldn’t know how much stuff I wasn’t being invited to. (audience laughing) They’re too sensitive. Everybody’s gotta just chill out, chill out. We’ve lost our minds. And I’m not talking about the gluten people. (audience laughing) I have been going after the gluten people now for 10 years, for 10 years. People that have been watching me for the last 10 years know I was on top of this, this fad diet back when we thought it was called “glutton.” Back when we thought it was called “glutton.”

(audience applauding)

It’s a marketing scam to get you to buy some products. Now, I know some people actually have, okay, so I know it. Don’t, don’t, don’t go after me on social media. (audience laughing) I know some people actually have, you know, ’cause they come up to me after shows. They’re, they’re angry. They’ll come up and they’ll go, “Um, I don’t think it’s funny that you joke about cisiasics disease.” (audience laughing) Why’s everybody laughing? Ciliastic disease kills millions of… All I’m saying is, if it was real, I’d know how to pronounce it. That’s what I’m saying. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) All I’m saying is we’ve been on this planet for 200,000 years. In the last, 10, we all discovered we can’t eat wheat? It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit! It’s bullshit! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) Do you know that sometimes if I eat a walnut, my tongue gets a little itchy?

(audience laughing)

I’ve never told anybody this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just avoid walnuts. I had to Google how long we’ve been on the planet for. Did you know the answer? Yeah. Took me three days, ’cause I put in Google, “How long, ” The first thing it suggested was “boil corn.” (audience laughing) I’d like to know that. I didn’t know there was a recipe. I’ve been guessing my whole life. I just throw the corn into a pot and every few minutes I yell out, “Do you think the corn is ready?” So now I’m on YouTube watching videos, on how to boil corn. (audience laughing) People are making videos on how to boil corn. I’m leaving comments. “Couldn’t stop watching your video on how to boil corn. Riveting! Watched all 12 minutes even though it only takes eight to boil corn.” (audience laughing) They’re making videos on how to boil corn. There are some real losers in this world! (audience laughing) I’m telling you, I’m telling you, I’ve been after this. I don’t like fad diets. I don’t like, like the, the new ones, like the Paleo diet. Do you know what that is?

Yeah.

Yeah. You eat, you eat whatever the caveman ate. Well, that makes a lot of sense, since they all died when they were 12. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These idiots are like, “I’m gonna eat like a caveman. I’m gonna have it delivered, just like the caveman did.” (audience laughing) And how do we even know the caveman was skinny? By the pictures they drew of themselves on the wall? I’ve never taken a fat picture of myself. I know the skinny angle.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

You don’t think the caveman was deleting the fat caveman self, cave selfie sketch things? You don’t… I don’t like fad anything. Now there’s something called Prevagen. Do you know what this is? It’s a supplement for memory loss and it’s an ingredient they recently discovered in jellyfish. Because when you think memory, you think jellyfish! (audience laughing) These things beach themselves every single day. And they can’t find the ocean and it’s right behind them. Going, (imitating whooshing). This is how ridiculous we’ve gotten. We’ve gotten ridiculous. I was thrown off of a TV station in Portland, Oregon, because I was making fun of gluten. (audience laughing) I was in Portland, Oregon, and I was on a TV station, and I said, “Gluten doesn’t exist.” And the anchor got really angry. She goes, “Yes, it does!”

(audience laughing)

I’m like, well, it scared me. I’m like, “Well, what, what, what proof do you,” By the way, this is in December. Just so you know for historical purposes. (audience laughing) I go, “What, what proof do you have?” She said, “Because we have an entire section in the store.” (audience laughing) And I said, “Well, so does Santa Claus.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Doesn’t make him real.” And they threw me off. They were, they got that angry. People were commenting on their Facebook page so fast, they threw me off. And I thought, “Well, that’s it. Who, who cares? It’s Portland, who cares?” (audience laughing) “Nobody’s gonna ever hear about it.” And then about four months ago, I was, in North Carolina. Yeah. Are you from North Carolina? (chuckling) (audience laughing) By the way, good luck getting unsweetened iced tea in North Carolina.

(audience laughing)

I should have just stood up in the restaurant and yelled, “Who won the Civil War? (audience laughing) Give me a cup of We Won unsweetened, please.” I’m in North Carolina, a guy comes up to me in the street and he said, “Is it true you don’t believe in Santa Claus?” (audience laughing) I go, “That’s a weird to thing ask an adult in June.” (audience laughing) I said, “Why are you asking me that?” And he said, “Because I read a story about how you were kicked off of a TV station in Portland on your Wikipedia page.” (audience laughing) And that’s when I realized one of these millennials told on me! (audience applauding) So I went to my Wikipedia page and, I printed it out to show you tonight.

(audience laughing)

I know the young people laugh. Like, at a show once, somebody yelled out, they go, “That’s cute. You still print stuff?” (audience laughing) Yeah, I’m in my 40s, I still print stuff. You know what else I do? I make plans a week in advance and I keep ’em. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know what else I do? When I take somebody’s picture, I count to three. (audience laughing) Young people just hold up the camera and then they walk away. I’m like, “I, I thought you wanted a picture.” They’re like, “I got 48.” I’m like, “Where was I for that?” Here’s my actual Wikipedia page. This is my actual Wikipedia page. And by the way, I’ve been banned from making changes to my own page. (audience laughing) I would change something, they go, “What’s your source?” I’m like, “It’s me.”

(audience laughing)

“On December 10, 2016, Orny caused controversy on a local Portland, Oregon, TV show by implying Santa Claus was not real.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now, I didn’t imply it, I said it, but I’ve been banned from making changes. Here are the actual comments people left on the TV station’s Facebook page. This is “AM Northwest,” ready? I’m gonna read you two comments. Cathy Hunt says, Well, if she’s gonna call me out, I’m gonna call her out. (audience applauding) That’s H-U-N-T. (laughing) Ready for this? “I wish some people would be more mindful of what they say on morning TV. My granddaughter just heard the reference about no Santa Claus. Thanks for opening up that can of worms. (audience laughing) I have changed the channel, perhaps forever, if your guests don’t clean up their act on morning TV.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How much fun is that house? Hey, Cathy, maybe your granddaughter should be in school, It’s 10 a.m.

(audience laughing)

“AM Northwest,” the TV station, responds. (audience laughing) “Hi, Cathy. Please tell your granddaughter that Orny is just mad because he’s on Santa’s naughty list.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How old are we? How old are we? Is that shaming? That feels like shaming, by the way. Then they start a hashtag: #CoalForOrny! (audience laughing) Debra C. Taley says, “He’s an idiot!” I’m sorry, T-A-L-E-Y. (audience laughing) “He’s an idiot. Making fun of people with celiac disease is not funny or cool. I wouldn’t pay money to see him.” Then she does the hashtag #CoalForOrny. (audience laughing) So I gotta put an end to this right away. I gotta, I gotta do what people do when they screw up in the spotlight. I either, either have to go into rehab, and I’m not giving up tequila, or, or write a retraction. So this is what I wrote, and I had to handwrite it in after ’cause they deleted it so fast.

(audience laughing)

Here’s what I wrote. “Earlier today, I misspoke, and I want to be clear. I know Santa exists, and has celiac disease.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) #OrnylsJewish. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I used to hate, by the way, Orny Adams is not my real name. I changed it when I was in college. It was Adam Orenstein. And, by the way, that’s one of the things that, that’s what’s wrong on my Wikipedia page. They misspelled my legal name. But I didn’t, I changed my name because I didn’t like people knowing I was, I was Jewish. It was like, it was weird. Like, people, some people don’t like Jews. I don’t know if you know that.

(audience laughing)

I always thought, “Well, you know what? Why don’t you hate me first for something else? Then hate me because I’m Jewish.” (audience laughing) When I was younger, people would say anti-Semitic things. They’d come up to me and go, they’d go, “You’re cheap, you’re a Jew, you’re a cheap Jew.” And I said, “I’m seven, I don’t even have money yet.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These gluten people. (audience laughing) No, we’ve lost our minds, okay? If we go back to that Portland bit. (audience laughing) People need to just settle down. People need to just settle down. We’re just trying to have a good time. There’s too many people on the planet. That’s what I’m starting to think. And if the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that half this planet needs to be medicated.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

And by that I mean euthanized. I- (audience laughing) Time to get rid of some of these people. I don’t like mean people. I don’t like judgmental people. I don’t like people that don’t let people be people. I don’t like violent people. I don’t like, that’s right. (audience applauding) You know, like these mass shooters. The, wow, you got quiet. Are there, are there any mass shooters here tonight? That was weird, right? This is what I don’t get about mass shooters. And I don’t mean to make light of something really serious, but these people go into movie theaters and they shoot strangers. If you’re that angry at the world, don’t you know people you’d rather kill first? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Shouldn’t the story be, “And then he invited everybody he ever hated to a movie and he shot ’em”? I’m not even that angry at the world and I have a list of 52 people, 53, 53 people in a… (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We’ve gone nuts. There are seven billion people on the planet. People need to stop having kids. (crowd cheering) How often do you see somebody with a kid and you think, “They shouldn’t have had a kid.

(audience laughing)

We didn’t need him. Now we got a little version of him.” There are seven billion people on this planet and we’re giving tax breaks to people that have children? How about rewarding the people not overpopulating the planet? (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) I should be able to cut out the UPC code on my condoms, attach it to my 1040. (audience laughing) I want a rebate. You know this wasn’t the plan. You know just 100 years ago, there was just a billion people. God probably took a little nap. Said, “Everything’s fine on Earth. I’m gonna take a little nap.” Wakes up, goes, “What are they doin’ down there? (audience laughing) Seven billion people? They’re sluts.

(audience laughing)

Give me the book. What did I tell them? ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ That’s a typo. (audience laughing) I said, ‘Be fruitful and pull out.’ Why did I?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We have lost our minds. Do you know now, because of the glutonians, (audience laughing) everything has to have a warning label? 20 years ago, there were no warning labels, right? And we were fine. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s right, we were fine. Sure, a few people died, but we didn’t need those people. Water has a warning label. (crowd cheering) Water has a warning label. Water, water, water, water, water. How much writing is on your faucet? How much writing, first of all, look at all the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it. Look at it. Do, you see it? I don’t like you. Look at the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it, look at this, look at this, look at this! Look at all the writing on this bottle of water. How much writing is on your faucet?

Zero.

Zero! (audience applauding) They’re so afraid of being sued. Everybody’s suing everybody. I’m suing four people myself right now. (audience laughing) These class action lawsuits, they’re great! You don’t even know you’re suing somebody until you check your mail and there’s a postcard. (audience laughing) “Were you in Best Buy in 2012?” “I guess so.” “Did you buy a flat screen TV?” “I think I did!” “They might owe you money.” “I think they do!” (audience laughing) Where do I sign this important postcard? Then I tell everybody. People are like, “Well, you know, you look exhausted.” I’m like, “Well, I’m suing Best Buy.” (audience laughing) “A lot of stress in my life. We’re going into closing arguments next week.” Water has a warning, Look at all the writing on a bottle of water. “Warning: Do not swallow cap.” (audience laughing) I think we can afford to lose those people, right?

(audience laughing)

Time to lose some of the cap swallowers. Now we’re down to 6.5 billion. (audience laughing) “Do not refill.” Because maybe some of us will figure out the old stuff tastes a lot like the new stuff. (audience laughing) They’ll put anything on there to protect themselves. Look, “Warning: This was bottled in a factory where there were once peanus, peanuts, ” Did I say penis? Oof, “Warning. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Warning: This was bottled in a factory, where there were once peanuts. An old, peanut might have fallen into the water. There’s a, there’s a shellfish factory next door. A shellfish might have walked over and dipped its toe in the water. Warning: The guy who bottled this may have had eggs for breakfast. If you’re pregnant, ask your doctor if you can drink water. (audience laughing) May or may not contain water. If you’re still reading this, get help.” (audience laughing) And water has an expiration date. Water can’t expire! (audience applauding) It can evaporate. If you open it up and there’s nothin’ in there, it went bad.

(audience laughing)

But as long as there’s something in there, nobody’s ever gone, “Shit! It’s sour! Don’t drink the water.” (audience laughing) It sat in a lake for thousands of years. These people put it in a bottle. “You have three months to finish it, then throw it out.” This is the world. It’s gone crazy. Does any of this make sense to you yet? I love the way you smile. It’s just, it’s so effortless. It just pops up. It really does. (laughing) That’s what I call a pre-mortgage smile. (audience laughing) He smiles so easily. Like you and me, it takes, like, a second. Like we go to smile and then the world drags our lips down and, I get nervous every time I go to smile, because when I was a kid, I smiled at a girl and I got nervous and my lip dried and it got stuck on my teeth like, and every time I go to smile, I think that’s gonna happen. I’m like, “It’s gonna get stuck again.” (chuckling) But you’re great, dude, really. I just love how, how much fun you have and how carefree you are and you have, like, a nice, little sparkle in your eye. You probably still have dreams. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You think these people have dreams anymore? No, we have flashbacks!

(audience applauding)

(crowd cheering)

We have flashbacks to where it all went wrong. When you’re in your 20s, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna live forever. I’m never gonna be the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) That’s my favorite type of guy, where they just get old and they go, “Screw it. I’m goin’ Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Take me to Tommy Bahama’s, give me the whole lineup.” (audience laughing) There’s a lot of ’em. There’s the one back there. Here’s a third one. My God, my audience has turned into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I better be nicer to the millennials. (laughing) When you’re young, you want to know why you get thick when you get older? Food becomes the last joy you have left. (audience laughing) When I’m done eating, I’m depressed, because I’m the furthest away from eating again. (audience laughing) You know what I’m sayin’? I just love how excited you are. You look at a guy like this. This is a guy who’s, you’ve been through something. You can just see it on you. Probably divorced, right?

Yup.

There you go, there you go. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Kid? Probably have a kid, right?

Yup.

Yup. That, that kid ruined your face. That’s what happened. (audience laughing) How, how old are you?

I’m 55.

55. I thought you were older.

(audience laughing)

No, no, no, look at me, look at me. Look at me. No wife, no kids. I’m 64 years old. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) People that are married and have kids, they always look down on people like me. They always say, “We, we figured it out, he never figured.” Let me tell what I have that you guys don’t have. Silence! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I wake up every day, I’m like, “What, what’s that I’m not hearing? What is that?” I look down, everybody’s safe. On with my selfish day. (audience applauding) You didn’t think your life was gonna turn out like this, did you?

No.

No. No. None of us do. None of us do. That’s what life does to you. But this is what you’re supposed to be. Have the, the arrogance of youth, I love it. You probably have a lot of friends still, right, that you hang out with and laugh and have a good time. Not the old people! (audience laughing) Why do you think they’re here tonight? They have to pay a professional to laugh. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just ran into a mic stand on my special. You think my life turned out the way I wanted it to?

(audience laughing)

I’ve lost all my friends to marriage, kids, sobriety, (audience laughing) gluten allergies. (audience laughing) I’m down to three friends. Two I don’t even like. (audience laughing) One I’m hangin’ on to just in case I need a kidney someday. I’ve got a friend for parts. I called him Kidney once by accident. I was like, “Hey, Kidney, Kenny. Did he, he didn’t hear that, did he?” Is that Kenny? (audience applauding) You’ll see what happens to you. You’ll see. How old are you, Kenny?

I’m 29.

29. Yeah, you’re dumb too. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Life is gonna destroy you. I wake up every day, I think, “Why did I drink last night?” And I didn’t even drink. (audience laughing) I have felt hung over for the last 10 years every single day. When you’re 29, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna be relevant forever. I’m gonna have the perfect life. I’ll never be in the hole to the IRS or to the bank and I’m gonna marry the perfect girl.” That’s what you think, right? Yeah. “And we’re gonna have perfect kids and, and she would never cheat on me.” (audience laughing) And then life is like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole, get in the hole.” (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering) “Get in the hole!” “I’ll never have my mom’s hips.” “Get in the hole!”

(audience laughing)

We wake up every single day in a hole. We just wanna be at street level. We just wanna wake up even. Not feel sore, not feel any pain. That’s all we want. Oh my God. (audience laughing) Can I breathe yet? (audience applauding) I like getting older. I really do. You have something to look forward to. Do you know what I mean? It’s nice to see the finish line, it really is. (audience laughing) I almost signed up for the military last year by accident. Anybody else ever do that? Anybody here serve? Thank you for your service! (audience applauding) Yeah, I said it! I said it first! I’m always the first to say it. I like to be first, ’cause then it feels like I get the most credit for it. (audience laughing) I was at the mall and I saw the service people coming at me. I went, “Thank you for your service!” And then as they got closer, I realized it was Girl Scouts in the, in the uniforms, but, better safe than sorry, right? What branch?

Army.

Army, there you go, thank you, thank you. (audience applauding) How old were you when you went in?

18.

That’s amazing, that really is. That takes a lot of courage. As I get older, I realize how much courage it really takes to go in at that age. I didn’t have it. I never even thought about serving, but last year I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. And a guy comes running out of the recruitment center. It was on the other side of a parking lot. He scared me, he goes, “Bro! Wanna join the Army?” I thought, “Who are you talking to?” He goes, “You!” I said, “I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.” (audience laughing) I can’t do anything before I have coffee. I can’t even make coffee until I’ve had a cup of coffee. (audience applauding) Sometimes I have to make a crappy batch just to get to the good batch. So he said, he goes, “Wanna join the Army?” And he was, he was dressed in those camouflage, fatigue, he scared me, you know? I said, “First of all, I can see you.”

(audience laughing)

Wouldn’t it help the sales pitch if you were camouflaged like a car bumper or something? (audience laughing) I said, “I’m too old.” He said, “How old are you?” I go, “I’m in my 40s.” He goes, “You look like you’re in your 20s!” I go, “Do I look as dumb as Kenny?” (audience laughing) I never thought about serving, but last year, when that guy said to me, “Do you want to serve?” For the first time in my life, I thought, “Yeah. I do.” And that’s when I realized we’re recruiting the wrong people. Let the young people enjoy their lives. Send people like me over there. I’ve lived long enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m ready to die. (audience applauding) I know what we’re fighting for. I’ve got the fire in my belly. I wanna start the Fighting 40s Brigade!

(crowd cheering)

I wanna put boots on the ground with ankle supports. (audience laughing) We’ll be the greatest army in the world because we won’t care. Bunch of, we’ll run right at the enemy. Bunch of old guys in our Hawaiian shirts running right, “Shoot me, shoot me first, I’m sick of life.” We’ll have our flip-flops going, “Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop.” They’ll hear us coming a mile away. (audience laughing) My dad just turned 70. We bought him an iPad for his birthday. That is the cruelest thing you can do to an old person. The whole time, he’s going, “Where did it go? Everything moves!” Then my four-year-old nephew waddles over, touches something. “Okay, it’s back.” My four-year-old nephew is tech support for my dad.

(audience applauding)

The kid’s a genius. He takes my iPhone, I think he’s just touching the screen. He found the App Store. He’s downloading kid apps. He cracked my passcode. It’s a thumbprint! (audience laughing) When are we going thumbprint on everything? ‘Cause these passwords are getting hard, When did websites start judging the quality of our passwords? “Weak!” (audience laughing) “That’s pathetic. You call that a passcode? Come on, get to good. Get to good. Meanwhile, my bank card, the one thing that has all my money is four numbers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) But my Hilton Honors Award account has to have a footprint, an exclamation mark, something in Swahili. (audience laughing) God forbid somebody hacks that and gets a free night at the Louisville Hilton on me.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Have you noticed the older you get, the further back in the pharmacy you go? (audience laughing) When you’re a kid, you don’t even go inside. You’re out front riding that horsey for 50 cents. Next thing you know, you’re up against the back wall with the walker balls and the diabetes socks and pill cases so you know what day of the week it is. I’m sure eventually a wall opens up and they just suck you into an old age home. (audience laughing) It’s probably right next to that chair where you get your blood pressure taken. If the reading’s too high, the chair probably just starts going back. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Grab a thing of Grape-Nuts on the way out. That’s how you know it’s over. If you’re eating Grape-Nuts, that’s the end of the line.

(audience laughing)

There’s no hope in that. It’s a, it’s a black-and-white cover with a piece of dead wheat. The prize inside is reading glasses. (audience laughing) Every time I see people in the blood pressure chair, the old people, I think, “Whose bright idea was it to convince old people to sell their homes, move into an RV and drive across the country?” (audience laughing) They’re losing their eyesight and their reflexes. Let’s put ’em in the biggest vehicle they’ve ever been in. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I see those things coming, I get the hell out of the way. I treat it like an ambulance. I’ll drive up on yards, you know. This is the world, and we’re all the same. We are really all the same. I realized this the other day. I was in Target. You ever go into Target?

[All] Yes.

Yeah. I love Target. First of all, I’m overwhelmed when I go in there. There’s too many choices for, how many different size Ziploc bags do we need? (audience laughing) There’s an entire aisle. When I was a kid, there was one size. If you didn’t like it, you went like this. (audience laughing) Now they have snack, snack plus, quart, gallon, three-gallon, jumbo, triple jumbo. They have one for the whole house. You put the whole house in a bag and you zip it up. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Freezer? Freezer, they’ll do anything to sell you more bags. Freezer, don’t put the room temperature ones in the freezer! That’s gonna void the warranty. Every year they come out with a new style. This year they have easy-open flaps. Which means some people couldn’t figure out the zipper! (audience laughing) This, this was too hard for some people. People are writing in: “Make it easier, make it easier!” The Tide detergent aisle. The Tide, first of all, this is what’s wrong with this country. We have scented trash bags? (audience laughing) If your trash smells like trash, take it out.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Rotten food plus Febreze smells like rotten food plus Febreze. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There are so many different detergents you can buy now. The aisle, the Tide detergent aisle, there’s a million different scents. There used to be one scent: Original. (audience laughing) Now you got, like, April Fresh. They’re making scents up. Months don’t smell. Nobody’s ever gone, (sniffing) “I smell like November. How do I, how do I get that April Fresh smell?”

(audience applauding)

I love the people in the Tide detergent aisle, ’cause this, this is everybody. Everybody’s just smelling, everybody. And then when they find the one they like, they put it back and they grab a new one from the back. We are all the same, we are all the same, we are all the same! Everybody is the same! (audience applauding) I went into Target, listen to this. There’s no common sense. We’ve lost our minds. We have gotten so dumb. I saw a guy on a reality show, this is what he said. He goes, “I’m gonna turn my life around 360 degrees.”

(audience laughing)

You’re gonna be right back where you started, you idiot. You go 180, you stop. You go 360, your life’s gone full circle. Why, why don’t you go 720? Go, go, go 1080, just keep going in, in circles till you pass out from your dumb. I saw a guy on another reality show, he was so drunk, he goes, “I’m so drunk, I’m abbreviated.” Not inebriated, abbreviated. He’s inebriated. His time on TV should be abbreviated. (audience applauding) I mean, we laugh about it, but it’s a serious problem, because the little kids are watching so much TV and you’re picking up secondhand dumb. (audience laughing) I went into Target. I went into Target, ready for this? I went into Target, bought a bunch of stuff, used a coupon, paid with my American Express. The guy goes, “Sir, sir, I need to see your ID.” I go, “What for?” He goes, “Well, you know, to make sure the card isn’t stolen.” I said, “I just used a coupon. (audience laughing) Why would I use a coupon if the card was stolen?”

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

You got me there! I’m busted! 15 minutes ago, I mugged a guy. I felt bad, I wanted to save him 75 cents on April Fresh Tide. There’s no common sense. It’s like every year, my cable bill goes up by, like, $100 and I have to call and threaten to leave. (audience laughing) I’m not even nice anymore. I just call ’em up, I go, “Lower the bill.” They go, “Who is this?” I go, “It’s me. Now lower the bill.” (audience laughing) They go, “How do we know? What’s your Social? What’s your street address? What’s your-” I said, “I’m calling to lower the bill. I’m sorry, are people stealing people’s identities, calling up and lowering their cable bills? (audience applauding) Is there some sort of epidemic I don’t know about? Lower my bill! Put that in the notes. ‘If anybody calls to lower Orny’s bill, lower it!’ (audience applauding) “I don’t care if somebody calls by accident. Lower the bill. They don’t have to know my mother’s maiden name, my shoe size, my first pet’s pet, they could call by accident. My next call to you guys will be, ‘Why did my bill go down?’ Some 12-year-old named Hudson called up during recess.”

(audience applauding)

There’s no common sense. I find myself every day making this face. Every day I just go. (audience laughing) You ever catch someone doing something dumb and you roll your eyes and they don’t catch you rolling your eyes, so now you have to re-roll them even louder? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “What?” There’s no common sense. I got a ticket ’cause the thieves in Los Angeles are stealing off of our license plates the little registration year sticker. Yes, and you don’t know your sticker’s missing! (audience laughing) ‘Cause you don’t go out to your car every morning and go, “Is my sticker still there?” You don’t know until you get a ticket. So I called the DMV, I said, “Hey, there’s a mix-up. I got a ticket but my car’s registered.” And she says, she goes, “Sir, sir, you need to prove to us that your car is registered.” I said, “I’m sorry, am I talking to the DMV? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Isn’t that a little piece of information you should have?” She goes, “Sir, it’s policy. You need to send us a copy of your registration.” I said, “I don’t even know where that is!”

(audience laughing)

She said, “We’d be happy to send you a copy.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) To send back to us.” This is the sick world that I live in! I didn’t even open up the envelope. I just wrote “Return to sender.” (audience laughing) Every day is a fight, it’s a struggle. My printer broke, I call customer service. By the way, have you noticed when your cable goes out, they don’t try and fix it. The first thing they do is they try and bundle you. (audience laughing) “We notice you don’t have phone service with us. Would you like phone service with us?” “No, ’cause then I wouldn’t be able to make this phone call right now.” (audience laughing) “Fix my cable, then sell me stuff.” I like when you call up and the first thing you hear is, “Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.” If your customers are memorizing your menu options, fix your product.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

My printer broke, I call H-P. The first thing they say, “Is it plugged in?” “Yeah, I, I’m an adult. Did I, did I call the kiddie line? Is this…” The guy got nervous, he goes, “Well, can I ask you, what, what are you using the printer for?” (audience laughing) “I’m using it to iron. Is that the problem? I’m making flapjacks. Sometimes I open the hood, I put the batter in there and then I hit ‘Print’ with my foot. Am I using it wrong? Fix my printer!” (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. Every day is a struggle. I got into a fight with a waitress. I asked her, I go, “What’s good on the menu?” And then she didn’t suggest anything I wanted. So I had to have that discussion with her. (audience laughing) I said, “How’s the burger?” She goes, “I don’t know. I don’t eat meat.” Now she’s gonna turn my meal into a political protest. (audience laughing) She goes, “I’m a vegan.” You know how they say it all judgmental sometimes? “I’m a vegan.” I go, “Well, I’m a me-gan.” (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

You know what I told her? “You know why I eat meat? Because we made it to the top of the food chain.” That’s right. The cow had a chance to stand up and learn a language like us. But the cow stayed down! The cow stayed down! (audience applauding) You know why I eat meat? What’s in the word “meat”? Eat. The word is actually “me eat.” It couldn’t be any clearer, unless they added the extra “E.” (audience applauding) Me-e-e-eat. It’s probably how it got its name. One day, a caveman’s chewing on a bison leg. The other one’s like, “What’s that?” “Me eat! Me want, me eat.” (audience laughing) You know what’s in the word “vegan”? Nothing! (audience laughing) It’s probably short for, “Vegetables again?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. That’s why I like doing this. When I’m up here, this is the only part of my day that feels right. This is, this is justice for me. The rest of the day is a fight. It’s a struggle. (audience applauding) People don’t listen to me during regular hours. I say stuff, I get in trouble all the time. People don’t love me the way you guys love me.

(crowd cheering)

(audience applauding)

This is justice. This is ju, I was in Chicago, and a guy came up to me and he said, “Seven years ago, I saw you for the first time and I’ve come back every single year to see you with the woman I met on a blind date that first night. And we now have a three-year-old kid.” (crowd awwing) And in that moment, I realized how little I have gotten done in the last seven years. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is justice. I don’t have this in my real life. Dating? My last relationship ended because, well, we were different. I was a morning person and she was nuts. (audience laughing) Complicated. Do I have to say “complicated” now? Do I have to clean it up for the stupid little millennials and say, “She was complicated. She was complicated.” She was nuts!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I was always in trouble. Listen, I thought I was being romantic one night, ready for this? Everything was “mean.” She was always, “You’re mean. You’re mean.” Even when I wasn’t being mean! Look at her put her arm around him. Do you say that to him all the time? Is he mean? Is he mean? Do you get it all the time? All the time. We’re not even being mean. Are we? I said to her, I go, “Hey, do you mind putting the half-and-half away?” She goes, “You’re mean!” (audience laughing) I didn’t say, “Hey, the half-and-half doesn’t put itself away every day.” I thought that, but I didn’t say it. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I thought I was being romantic one night. Ready for this? We’re cuddling, and she’s very petite and beautiful. And I go, “You’re so soft. It’s like cuddling with a marshmallow.” (audience laughing) I know it’s wrong now!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Dumb me, I thought I was being cute and romantic, you know? Until I got the look. Women, when you do something wrong, you get the look. They just, their neck snaps back like, (audience laughing) They couldn’t be further away from you. I had to start backpedaling. I’m like, “Like, a size-two marshmallow! A stale, size-two marshmallow. A strong, independent stale marshmallow that we have sex on the side marshmallow. I’m a marshmallow! I’m a stupid marshmallow!”

(audience applauding)

Wanna know the last thing she said to me when we broke up? The last thing as I was getting the keys back to my house. Now, people say things in the heat of the moment. This was bad. She looked at me and she said, “Do you wanna know why you never made it as a comedian? (crowd oohing) Because you’re mean!” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And I thought, well, thank God she thinks I’m funny ’cause, you know, Mean I can fix. Funny, you kinda gotta be born with that. That would’ve broken my heart if she was like, “You didn’t make it ’cause you’re not funny.” That would’ve devastated me. We’re not that smart, women. If you wanna live a happy life, okay? Take the marshmallow example, okay? If you wanna be happy with him that you think he’s mean sometimes. And you wanna be happy, you wanna be happy, right? It it is so simple. All women have to do to be happy in this lifetime, whatever your expectation of man is, lower it! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) That’s it! Lower it to the ground! Lower it. Lower your bar. Lower your bar. Lower your bar of men. We can meet ground. We can meet ground. We wake up in the hole every day anyway. We’ll just stay there. We’re not that smart, men. Why do you think our shirts have pockets on the outside? So we know it’s on right.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I met a guy once, he drove a truck. I was just trying to make conversation. I go, “What do you drive? An F-150?” He goes, “250!” I go, “What’s the difference?” He goes, “100.” That’s my people. That’s my people. That’s my people. Lower the bar. And we’re arrogant! Every time I go out with my married friends, if a beautiful woman walks by, one of them will go, “Man, if I wasn’t married!” If you weren’t married what? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I knew you when you weren’t married. You weren’t getting that. (audience laughing) That’s why you got married. Are you gonna go not get her number like you used to when you weren’t married? Married men, they like to, they like to look at other women and when they get caught they say things like, “Well, I’m not dead.” Yes, you are. (audience laughing) See, that’s what’s wrong with men. We see virility and living as getting women. Women are more evolved. You want to settle down, right? You want the white picket fence. We see that fence we think, “Shit, I gotta paint that every year.”

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy. The guy in the movies. The “Every kiss begins with ‘K'” guy. (audience laughing) That guy has ruined more relationships. You wanna know what killed romance? Terrorism. Well, now the guy can’t chase the girl to the airport anymore like in the movies. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) He’s gotta sit outside at the curb texting her. “I’ve decided I love you. You’re the one, but you need to come out ’cause I can’t get past security, (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Damnit, there’s a cop behind me. Okay, I’ve gotta go to the cell phone waiting line. When you come out, text me and I’ll swoop in just like in the movies with the flowers.” We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy, the big proposal so you can tell your friends. Girls love to tell their friends about exciting things, right? Every girl, first of all, women are very smart ’cause they work together as a group. (audience laughing) And every girl has a little subgroup. You have a committee. Every girl has a committee. And when she goes out on a date, she comes home, the committee has a lot of questions.

(audience laughing)

All we have is one friend, he just wants to see a picture. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) No guy has ever come home from a date and his friends are like, “Tell me all about her! What was she like? Does she have any hobbies? Is she close with her family?” No, get to the picture! And does she have any cute friends I can date? They want romance, the proposal. You ever see somebody propose that you don’t know? Isn’t that weird? I was out to eat at a fancy restaurant. Sitting there at the fancy restaurant, having a good time. I’m, you know, sitting there with marshmallow so, (audience laughing) there’s some pressure from her committee. And the guy next to me decides to ruin the night by proposing. (audience laughing) And he couldn’t get the ring out. This stupid F-150 guy didn’t rehearse getting the ring out. It was stuck in his pocket, he’s sweating like I am. He was like, “I have a question!” I’m like, “This guy’s having a seizure!”

(audience laughing)

All the women knew what was going on because a proposal, they can, (sniffing) (audience applauding) they can smell it from miles away. “It’s a proposal! Somebody’s dream is coming true! Over here! Over here! Come on in! Get the boxes of tissues!” Every guy in the place was like, “I don’t need this shit tonight.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) So now we all turn to watch the big moment. The guy got on his knee, proposed, and she said “No.” (crowd awwing) It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen!

(audience applauding)

I’ve never been happier. To be that close to somebody’s lowest point in their life? I was like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Get in the hole!” I didn’t think it could get any better and then all of a sudden, the waiter started coming out with a sparkly cake. He had to do a U-turn, he’s like, “Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission!” How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? Women let you know when they want something. You don’t tell us outright. You like to play a little game called Hint: You Figure It Out. (audience laughing) And you better figure it out. Like, a woman doesn’t ask to move into your house. No, no, no, no, no. She starts a little pile in the corner. (audience laughing) Then they want a drawer. I picture them sitting around with the committee going, “Did you get a drawer yet? Did you get a drawer yet? Did you take your toothbrush and spike it in the bathroom like we did the flag on the moon? I am here!” Then they take their hairs and they throw ’em all over the place! (audience applauding) “My kitchen, my bathroom, my ceiling!”

(audience applauding)

(crowd cheering)

God created women’s hair so men don’t cheat.

(audience laughing)

We love you, women. But we can never be what you want us to be. We’re just too simple. We’re not smart. When we meet women, you know what we do? We try and change you overnight. (audience laughing) Women know you can’t change a person, right? That’s right. But you can break ’em. (audience laughing) That’s what they do. They take years. They find a guy that is good enough and they chisel him down. (audience laughing) They chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel. (audience applauding) “And don’t wear the Hawaiian shirt to the comedy show!”

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding) Why do you think guys like mowing the lawn so much? We’d rather hear, (imitating lawn mower) than whatever you have to say. It’s the same reason you guys blow dry your hair for so long. It can’t take that long. You probably keep wetting your hair so that you can stay in there. “I can’t take another word from him!” Why do you think that thing is shaped like a gun? (audience laughing) “He won’t shut up!” We love you, women, but we can’t be what you want us to be. We try, we can’t figure you out. You’re too delicate. You guys are like that string of Christmas tree lights where if one of the bulbs is out, the whole operation is down. (audience applauding) You make one mistake, she just shuts down and you don’t know which bulb it is. You have to guess, “Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? (crowd cheering) And the dumb man is like, “Screw it, I’ll just go buy a new one.”

(audience laughing)

What I’m trying to tell you women is get married as close to your death as possible. (audience laughing) Men actually get better with age. It’s biological. You wanna know what happens as you get older? All of a sudden, the TV commercials start talking to you. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Right now, you don’t hear ’em. One day, you’ll be sitting around it’s like, “Are you a male over the age of 40?” (audience laughing) That’s me! What’s going on? Is everything okay? “Do you not have as much energy as you used to have?” No, I’m exhausted! What is it? “Do you still print stuff?” Yes, I do! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “You might have a treatable condition called ‘low-T’.” Low-T. Low testosterone. They’re making shit up.

(audience laughing)

This is like gluten and Santa Claus, it doesn’t exist. This is what happens to men as we get older. It’s natural. And they talk about it like it’s a bad thing. Low-T is the greatest thing to happen to men.

(audience applauding)

Every, every, every, every bad decision I ever made was on high-T.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Low-T is a blessing. High-T destroys lives. Nothing bothers Low-T Man. I’m driving, somebody flips me off in traffic, Low-T Guy just keeps going.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I go out on a date, I don’t think she likes me. Great, I’ll get eight hours of sleep tonight.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

You wanna be happy? Lower your bar, we’ll lower our T. Let’s meet halfway, we can do it.

(crowd cheering)

Thank you.

(crowd cheering)

(audience applauding)

[Crowd] Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny!

(crowd cheering)

It’s been a long road and I really, I can’t thank everybody enough who’s been here for me. And I thank you so much.

(crowd cheering)

(audience applauding)

(light orchestral music)

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Chad Daniels: Dad Chaniels (2019)

Chad Daniels: Dad Chaniels (2019) | Transcript

In his sixth stand up release, Minnesotan Chad Daniels delivers a brand new hour of comedy of his unapologetic take on parenting teenagers, how America’s gone soft as a nation, his plans for growing old, and…cake.

Sam Morril: You've Changed (2024)

Sam Morril: You’ve Changed (2024) | Transcript

Sam Morril showcases his unique laid-back style, effortlessly riffing on his experiences about the worst person he’s ever dated, the challenges of ageing, and his take on various topics from cable news to the dangers of social media.

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