Onward (2020) – Transcript

Two elven brothers embark on a quest to bring their father back for one day.
Onward (2020)

In a world inhabited by mythic creatures, magic was commonplace several millennia ago, though difficult to master. After technological advances over the centuries, magic became obsolete and was largely discarded.

In the modern day, two elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, live in the city of New Mushroomton. Ian, the younger, is a high-school student struggling with self-confidence, and Barley, the older, is an enthusiastic and impulsive history and role-playing game fanatic. Their father Wilden died of a severe illness shortly before Ian was born, and their mother Laurel has a new boyfriend, centaur police officer Colt Bronco, whom Ian and Barley dislike.

On Ian’s sixteenth birthday, Laurel gives her sons a gift from Wilden: a magical staff, a rare Phoenix gem, and a letter describing a “visitation spell” that can resurrect their father for a single day. Ian accidentally succeeds in casting the spell, but only the lower half of Wilden’s body is reformed before the gem disintegrates. The brothers embark on a quest to acquire another gem and complete the spell, taking Barley’s beloved van “Guinevere”. Finding the boys gone, Laurel leaves to look for them.

Ian and Barley visit the Manticore’s Tavern, named for a monster possessing a map to the gem. The tavern has become a family restaurant managed by the Manticore (“Corey” for short). While arguing with Ian over the map, Corey realizes how boring her life has become and drives the customers away in a fit of insanity, accidentally setting fire to the restaurant and the map. The brothers’ only clue to the gem is a children’s menu suggesting “Raven’s Point”, a nearby mountain. Laurel later arrives at the scene and befriends Corey, who agrees to help her. Corey warns Laurel that the brothers’ journey may awaken a curse that can only be defeated by her sword, which she and Laurel steal from a pawn shop.

Traveling to the mountains, Ian and Barley narrowly escape the police and a motorcycle gang of pixies,[7] relying on Ian’s newly awakened spell-casting abilities and Barley’s RPG instincts. “Raven’s Point” leads them on a trail indicated by a series of raven statues, but Colt follows them, calling in reinforcements. After coming to a dead end, Barley sacrifices Guinevere to cause a landslide, blocking their pursuers. Following the statues, the brothers descend through a cave and avoid a series of traps and deadly creatures, during which Barley reveals to Ian that he was unable to emotionally bring himself to say goodbye to Wilden when he was dying in the hospital. The final obstacle sends them back to the surface, where they find themselves in front of Ian’s high school. Infuriated at Barley’s advice, Ian lashes out at him for leading them on a wild goose chase and walks away with Wilden.

Rereading his list of things he always wished to do with Wilden, Ian realizes that Barley has been a father figure throughout his entire life, and returns to make amends. Barley discovers the needed gem inside a historic fountain across the street from high school and retrieves it, unwittingly triggering the curse Corey spoke of, which creates a dragon-shaped golem out of pieces of the school and other nearby objects, bent on claiming the gem. Ian’s staff is knocked into the ocean during a battle with the golem, but he reforms it from a splinter embedded in his hand and continues the fight. Corey flies in carrying Laurel, who plunges the magic sword into the golem’s heart, buying Ian time to cast the visitation spell and fully reform Wilden’s body. Ian sends Barley ahead to finally give his proper goodbye to Wilden, and holds off the golem long enough for Laurel to destroy it. After Wilden dissipates, Barley tells Ian that their father is proud of him, and the brothers share a hug.

Some time later, Ian’s confidence and spell-casting have improved and he surprises Barley by painting his new van, christened “Guinevere The Second”. Corey reopens her tavern in its original spirit, drawing in customers with tales of past adventures. She and Laurel become friends, and Ian and Barley develop a better relationship with Colt, who was inspired to start galloping with his own feet. As the world begins to rediscover the magical arts of the past, the brothers set off on a new quest.

* * *

WILDEN: Long ago, the world was full of wonder.

(WHINNYING)

It was adventurous… exciting… and best of all… there was magic.

Boombastia!

(GASPS)

(KIDS EXCLAIM)

WILDEN: And that magic helped all in need.

Flame Infernar!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

Voltar Thundasir!

(EXCLAIMING)

(YELPING)

WILDEN: But it wasn’t easy to master.

And so the world found a simpler way to get by.

I call it the light bulb.

(ALL GASP)

‘Tis so easy. (LAUGHS)

Huh.

(CROWD GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

(APPLAUDS)

WILDEN: Over time… magic faded away.

(GRUNTS)

(SNARLS)

But I hope…

(ALARM RINGING)

…there’s a little magic left… in you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

FITNESS CYCLOPS: (ON SPEAKERS) All right.

We’re gonna get Warrior Z90 fit.

Let me hear you say, “I’m a mighty warrior.”

I’m a mighty warrior.

Morning, Mom.

(YIPPING)

(GROANS)

Oh! Blazey, down!

Bad dragon! Back to your lair.

Happy birthday, Mr. Adult Man.

No, Mom.

Hey, buddy. Don’t wipe off my kisses. (GASPS SOFTLY)

What?

You’re wearing your dad’s sweatshirt.

Oh. You know. Finally fits.

Aw, my little chubby cheeks is all grown up!

Okay, okay. Mom, I gotta eat something before school.

Ah, we don’t have much food.

I still have to go to the grocery store.

Ah, hands off, mister.

Those are for your party tonight.

It’s not a party, Mom. It’s just us.

You could invite those kids from your science class.

You said they seem pretty rockin’.

I’m, uh, pretty sure I didn’t say it like that.

And besides, I don’t even know them.

Well, your birthday’s a day to try new things.

Be the new you.

(WHIRRING)

Speaking of trying new things, did you sign up for driving practice?

No! (CLEARS THROAT) No.

I know you’re a little scared to drive, sweetie pie, but…

I’m not scared, Mom. I’m gonna move Barley’s game.

LAUREL: Okay, but you know how he gets when someone touches that board.

(THUDS)

(GASPS) Well, he’s gotta learn how to clean up his toys.

Halt!

(GASPS)

Doth my brother dare disrupt an active campaign?

Oh, come on!

You know, Ian, in the days of old, a boy of 16 would have his strength tested in the Swamps of Despair.

I’m not testing anything. Just let me go.

Let him go.

Okay.

(THUDS)

But I know you’re stronger than that.

There’s a mighty warrior inside of you.

You just have to let him out.

Right, Mom?

(GRUNTS)

(LAUREL GRUNTING)

Oh, that’s good.

LAUREL: Barley! You stink!

(BARLEY LAUGHING)

When was the last time you showered?

If you tried a little harder, you actually could probably wiggle out of this.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING) See? Mom knows how to let out her inner warrior.

Thank you.

Now, take out the trash.

GORE: (ON RADIO) Stay on the lookout for a runaway griffin.

Ah, Officer Bronco.

Barley, Barley, Barley.

Every time the city tries to tear down an old piece of rubble, I gotta drag my rear end out here and deal with you.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Oh, really?

I will not let you tear down this fountain.

Ancient warriors on grand quests drank from its flowing water.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Barley.

They’re destroying the town’s past.

Ugh. Well, come on in.

Rest your haunches for a minute.

Thank you, hon.

Ugh.

Hey there, birthday boy.

So, ya workin’ hard or hardly workin’? (LAUGHS)

I’m just, you know, making toast.

LAUREL: I’m serious, Barley, you need to start thinking less about the past and more about your future.

Ah, she’s right.

You can’t spend all day playing your board game.

(GRUNTS)

Quests of Yore isn’t just a board game.

It’s a historically-based role-playing scenario.

Did you know, in the old days, centaurs could run 70 miles an hour?

I own a vehicle. Don’t need to run.

Well, Ian, you could definitely learn a lot from Quests of Yore.

You wanna play?

I don’t.

You could be a crafty rogue or…

Ooh! I know! You can be a wizard.

I shall cast a spell on thee!

Hey! Careful of Dad’s sweatshirt!

I don’t even remember Dad wearing that sweatshirt.

Well, you do only have, like, two memories of him.

No, I’ve got three.

I remember his beard was scratchy, he had a goofy laugh, and I used to play drums on his feet.

Drums on his feet. Right.

I used to go…

(SCATTING, FLAPS LIPS)

Whoa!

Five-second rule. Hah!

(BOTH GASP)

It’s okay. You just got to pull it.

(RIPS)

No!

Barley!

Uh, you know…

I’m just gonna get some food on the way to school.

I’ll sew that later tonight, okay?

Wait, wait, wait.

By the laws of yore, I must dub thee a man today.

Kneel before me.

Oh! That’s okay. I gotta get going.

All right, well, I’ll pick you up later.

We’ll perform the ceremony at school.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Okay, bye!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey!

Go Griffins!

What?

You go to Willowdale College?

Oh, no. This was my dad’s.

Lightfoot? Wilden Lightfoot?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

You’re kidding. I went to college with him.

Really?

Yeah.

Boy, I was so sorry to hear that he passed away.

Yeah. Thanks.

You know, your dad was a great guy. So confident.

When he came into a room, people noticed. (CHUCKLES)

The man wore the ugliest purple socks every single day.

What? Why?

Hey, that’s exactly what we asked.

But he was just bold.

I always wished I had a little bit of that in me.

Yeah. Wow. I’ve never heard any of this about him before.

What else do you remember?

Dad!

Oh, sorry. Gotta get this guy off to school.

Hey, it was nice meeting you.

Yeah. You, too.

Huh.

Bold.

(CLICKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

TEACHER: Okay, class. Sit down. We’re starting roll.

Hey, uh, Gorgamon. Um…

Would you mind not putting your feet on my chair today?

Sorry, dude.

Got to keep them elevated.

Gets the blood flowing to my brain.

It just makes it a little hard for me to fit in there.

Well, if I don’t have good blood flow, I can’t concentrate on my schoolwork.

You don’t want me to do bad in school, do you?

Uh… (CHUCKLES)

No.

Thanks, bro.

(SIGHS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

First road test.

Any volunteers?

A left here.

Now, take this on-ramp for the freeway.

Okay, yeah. I’m, uh, super ready for that.

Uh…

It’s nice and fast.

INSTRUCTOR: Just merge into traffic.

Yep. Just any minute.

Merge into traffic.

Uh…

Merge into traffic!

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

I’m not ready!

Pull over.

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

(IAN SIGHS)

All right. So, what should we do this weekend?

Move to a cooler town?

Oh, hey. What up, dudes? Um…

I’m, uh, having a party tonight, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over and get down on some cake.

(GROANS) That’s not something anyone says.

Okay, don’t say “dudes.” “Gang”?

What’s up, gang?

What’s up, gang?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey. What’s up, gang?

Oh, hey. Uh, Ian, right?

Oh! I didn’t know you knew my…

Anyway… uh, if you like parties, then I’m… I was gonna do a party…

What?

What I was trying to say is if you’re not doing anything tonight… but I’m sure you probably are doing something tonight… and you like cake like I like cake, I’ve got a cake at my house.

Are you inviting us to a party?

That’s the one.

Oh. Yeah, we don’t have any plans.

Yeah, okay.

Totally.

Really?

I guess we can just take the bus over to my house.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(METAL MUSIC BLARING ON CAR STEREO)

Oh, no, no, no.

Ha-ha! Is that the birthday boy I see?

Behold! Your chariot awaits!

Do you know that guy?

Uh…

Sir Iandore of Lightfoot.

Seems like he’s talking to you.

Hey, Ian!

(BLARES HORN)

Hey, Barley.

Yeah, we were actually gonna take the bus.

The bus? Nay!

I will give you and your companions transport upon Guinevere.

Um, who’s Guinevere?

My mighty steed.

(CLANGS)

Oh. That’s embarrassing.

That’s okay, girl. Patch you back up.

(SIGHS)

He’s just joking around.

(CHUCKLES) You’ve got something on your face.

Oh, no. You… just… Wait, no. It’s… No…

Oh! Uh…

You know what? I just remembered that my birthday is, uh, canceled.

What?

IAN: I mean, the party.

Uh, it was never actually happening.

It was just this huge misunderstanding.

So, I got to go.

Okay. Bye!

(GRUNTING)

Ooh. Whoops! Sorry. Let me just file those.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, did those kids write on your face?

Here. I’ll get it.

(GRUNTS)

Can we please just go home?

Okay, well, we’ll perform your birthday ceremony later.

Then you’ll be ready for adulthood and its gauntlet of challenges.

You know, in ancient times, you celebrated your day of birth with a solemn quest.

Of course, those were nothing compared to the challenges of the old days.

Mom?

Mom?

LAUREL: Will, you’re not gonna get that thing working.

WILDEN: I think I’ve got it.

LAUREL: I’m gonna watch from over here for when it blows up.

WILDEN: Hello? Hello?

LAUREL: I’ll bet good money you can’t get it to work.

WILDEN: Oh, is that right?

LAUREL: Yep.

But you’re doing a good job of making it look like you know what you’re doing.

WILDEN: (LAUGHING) Well, I’m trying to.

LAUREL: Did you check if it had batteries?

(WILDEN LAUGHING)

LAUREL: Of course you didn’t.

WILDEN: I know.

LAUREL: So, is it really working?

WILDEN: Let’s find out.

Okay. Bye.

(TAPE CLICKS)

(CASSETTE REWINDS)

(BUTTON CLICKS)

LAUREL: Will, you’re not going to get that thing working.

WILDEN: I think I’ve got it.

LAUREL: I’m gonna watch from over here for when it blows up.

Hi, Dad.

WILDEN: Hello? Hello?

It’s me, Ian.

WILDEN: Oh, is that right?

Yeah. Did you have a good day?

(LAUGHING) Well, I’m trying to.

Yeah. Me, too.

Although, I could clearly use some help. (CHUCKLES)

(WILDEN LAUGHING ON TAPE)

I sure do wish I could spend the day with you sometime.

I know.

Well, there are so many things we could do.

I bet it’d be really fun.

Let’s find out.

Yeah. I mean, I’d love to. We could, uh…

Okay. Bye.

(TAPE CLICKS)

Yeah.

Bye.

Oh, my…

Barley, keep your soldiers off my land or our kingdoms will go to war!

BARLEY: Sorry, Mom!

Oh, this is the world’s longest gap year.

Honey, I was gonna do that.

It’s okay.

Wow! You must have been taught by some kind of sewing master.

Yeah. A very humble sewing master. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

What was Dad like when he was my age?

Was he always super confident?

Oh, no.

It took him a while to find out who he was.

I wish I’d met him.

Oh, me, too.

But, hey, you know, when your dad got sick, he fought so hard because he wanted to meet you more than anything.

You know what? I have something for you.

I was gonna wait until after cake, but I think you’ve waited long enough.

What is it?

It’s a gift from your dad.

What do you mean, it’s from Dad?

I don’t know. Mom said it was for both of us.

BARLEY: What is it?

He just said to give you this when you were both over 16.

I have no idea what it is.

(GASPS) No way!

It’s a wizard staff.

Dad was a wizard.

What?

Hold on, your dad was an accountant.

I mean, he got interested in a lot of strange things when he got sick, but…

There’s a letter.

“Dear Ian and Barley, long ago, the world was full of wonder.

“It was adventurous, exciting, and best of all, there was magic.

“And that magic helped all in need.

“But it wasn’t easy to master.

“And so the world found a simpler way to get by.

“Over time, magic faded away,

“but I hope there’s a little magic left in you.

“And so I wrote this spell, so I could see for myself who my boys grew up to be.”

“Visitation Spell.”

BARLEY: I don’t believe this.

This spell brings him back.

For one whole day, Dad will be back.

What?

Back? Like back to life?

That’s not possible.

It is with this!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

I’m gonna meet Dad?

Oh, Will, you wonderful nut. What is this?

Now, a spell this powerful needs an assist element.

And, I mean, for this to work, Dad would’ve had to find a Phoenix Gem!

Wow.

There’s only a few of these left.

Hold on! Is this dangerous?

We’re about to find out.

Ah!

What?

Splinter.

(BOTH SIGH)

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth. Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth.”

(BLAZEY CHITTERS)

Hold on. I was just grippin’ it wrong.

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth.

“Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth.”

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth. Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth.”

“One day to walk the earth.”

“Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth.”

Barley.

(SIGHS)

I’m sorry you guys don’t have your dad here, but this shows just how much he wanted to see you both.

So much that he’d try anything.

That’s still a pretty special gift.

Yeah.

(BARLEY SIGHS)

(BLAZEY TRILLS)

Hey, wanna come with me to pick up your cake?

That’s okay. Thanks, Mom.

(KISSES)

(SIGHS)

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth.

(GASPS)

“Till tomorrow’s sun has set…

(GASPS)

“one day to walk the earth.”

Hey, man, what are you doing in here?

Holy Tooth of Zadar! How did you…?

I don’t know. It just started.

(YELPS)

Whoa! Feet!

(WHIMPERS)

(STRAINING)

Hang on. I can help!

Barley, no!

(BOTH YELL)

(COUGHING)

(PANTING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Dad?

(BOTH GASP)

He’s just legs.

There’s no top part.

I definitely remember Dad having a top part!

Oh, what did I do? This is horrible.

Uh…

Hello?

It’s really him.

Dad, you are in your house.

Whoa, whoa!

(GROANS) He can’t hear us.

What are you doing?

(SCATTING)

That’s right, Dad. It’s me, Barley.

Yeah, that’s Ian.

Hi, Dad.

(GROANS) I messed this whole thing up.

Now he’s gonna be legs forever.

No, not forever. The spell only lasts one day.

At sunset tomorrow, he’ll disappear, and we’ll never be able to bring him back again.

Okay, okay, okay. 24 hours.

That doesn’t give us much time, but…

(SIGHS)

(BEEPS)

Well, we’ll just have to do the spell again.

You mean you have to.

A person can only do magic if they have the gift.

And my little brother has the magic gift.

Okay! Okay.

But I couldn’t even finish the spell.

Well, you’re gonna have plenty of time to practice.

‘Cause we have to find another Phoenix Gem.

(GASPS)

(BARLEY MUTTERING)

A-ha! We’ll start at the place where all quests begin.

The Manticore’s Tavern.

It’s run by a fearless adventurer.

She knows where to find any kind of gem, talisman, totem…

Barley, this is for a game.

Based on real life.

How do we know this tavern is still there?

It’s there.

Look, my years of training have prepared me for this very moment.

And I’m telling you, this is the only way to find a Phoenix Gem.

Trust me.

Whatever it takes, I am gonna meet my dad.

You hear that, Dad? We’re going on a quest.

(ENGINE STALLING)

Come on, Guinevere.

Uh, maybe we should just take the bus.

She’s fine.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(BARLEY LAUGHING)

(BULB CRACKLING)

(GRUNTS) Anyway, it’s just, like, this award for math. It’s no big deal.

But I’ll show you when we get back home.

Hey, uh, what are you two Chatty Charlies up to back there?

You know, I felt weird talking to Dad without a top half, so… ta-da!

Oh, that’s great!

Dad, you look just like I remember.

Hey, don’t worry, we’ll have the rest of you here before you know it.

And then, first thing I’m gonna do, introduce you to Guinevere.

Rebuilt this old girl myself, from the lug nuts to the air conditioning.

(AIR BLASTING)

(IAN GRUNTING)

Showing Dad your van?

That’s your whole list?

What list?

Oh.

What’s that?

I’m just working on a list of things I wanted to do with Dad.

You know, play catch, take a walk, driving lesson, share my whole life story with him.

That’s cool.

Oh. But before you cast Dad’s spell again, you’re gonna have to practice your magic.

(GRUNTS)

IAN: (SIGHS) This book is for a game.

I told you, everything in Quests of Yore is historically accurate.

Even the spells.

So start practicing, young sorcerer.

(SIGHS) Okay, Dad. Let’s try some magic.

LAUREL: Hey, sweetie?

Ugh! Blazey. Oh, this dragon is always under my feet.

Honey, you want some cake?

(GASPS)

(SNIFFING)

Aloft Elevar. Aloft Elevar.

I can’t get this levitation spell to work.

Maybe I could try something else like Arcane Lightning?

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, like a level-one mage could bust out the hardest spell in the Enchanter’s Guide Book.

(CHUCKLING) Maybe we’ll stick with the easy ones.

Yeah, well, it’s not working. Am I saying it wrong?

Well, mmm, you said it right.

It’s just, for any spell to work, you have to speak from your heart’s fire.

My what?

Your heart’s fire.

You must speak with passion. Don’t hold back.

Aloft Elevar!

No, like Aloft Elevar.

Aloft Elevar!

No, from your heart’s fire!

Aloft Elevar!

Don’t hold back.

Aloft Elevar!

Heart’s fire!

Stop saying “heart’s fire.”

This just clearly isn’t working. (SIGHS)

Hey, it was a good start.

(SIGHS)

Oh. Gather your courage, men. We’ve arrived.

The Manticore’s Tavern.

Huh. It is still here.

Yeah, I told you.

Come on, Dad. That’s good.

BARLEY: All right, listen. First, let me do the talking.

Secondly, it’s crucial we show the Manticore the respect she deserves, or she will, thirdly, not give us a map to the Phoenix Gem.

Wait, wait, wait. The map?

I thought she had a Phoenix Gem.

(CHUCKLING) You’re so cute. Hear that, Dad?

He’s a smart kid, he just doesn’t know how quests work.

Well, is there anything else you’re forgetting to tell me?

Mmm. No.

ALL: ♪ Happy happy birthday

♪ Come join us on a quest

♪ To make your birthday party The very, very best

♪ Hey!

Okay, okay, so the tavern changed a little over the years, but the Manticore is still the real deal.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I’ll have the soup of the day.

Would my lord like a cup or cauldron?

(GROANS)

Madam, I request an audience with the Manticore.

But of course, milord.

(BLARES HORN)

(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, Manticore!

(LAUGHING)

No. No, no, no. The real Manticore.

The fearless adventurer.

(COSTUMED MANTICORE SIGHS)

Oh. You mean Corey? She’s over there.

(GASPS) Quick! Somebody help me.

These griffin nuggets were supposed to go out minutes ago. (GRUNTING)

That’s the Manticore?

Oh, great and powerful Manticore.

Whoa! Sir, you’re right in the hot zone.

You’re late, Adolphus.

(BARKING)

I understand there’s traffic. You need to plan for that.

(GRUMBLING)

Well, maybe your mother should get her own car! (SIGHS)

Your fearlessness?

(GASPS)

My brother and I seek a map to a Phoenix Gem.

Oh! Well, you’ve come to the right tavern. Table 12.

I have the parchment you desire right here. Behold!

Oh. That’s a children’s menu.

Isn’t that fun? They’re all based on my old maps.

Uh, now…

The great Manticore sends you on your adventure with a hero’s blessing.

And here’s some crayons.

That’s very amusing, your dominance, but might you have the real map?

Uh, yeah. It’s, uh, over there.

(GASPS) That’s it.

This is perfect.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing? You can’t take this.

We have to.

(GASPS) What is that?

(GROANS)

It’s our dad. And we have a chance to meet him, but…

But we can’t do that without a Phoenix Gem.

No! My days of sending people on dangerous quests are over.

What? Why?

(CHUCKLES) ‘Cause they’re dangerous.

Corey, the karaoke machine’s broken again.

(SIGHS) I’m sorry, but you are not getting this map.

Don’t worry, ladies, your adventure will continue momentarily. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, I can handle this.

(SIGHS)

No, Ian.

Miss mighty Manticore, ma’am…

What are you doing?

Kid, this is not a good time.

Ugh. I’m giving this place a one-star review.

It’s just, I’ve never met my dad and…

Look, I’m sorry about that.

But if you get hurt on one of my quests, guess who gets sued and loses her tavern?

I can’t take that kind of risk.

Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I have important things to do.

Testing. (ECHOING)

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

♪ You haunt my dreams

♪ My inbetweens

(SIGHS) Please, we need that map.

No, I am not giving you the map.

That’s it! I am done talking.

Well, I’m not!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You say you can’t risk losing this place.

Look at that Manticore.

She looks like she lived to take risks.

That Manticore didn’t have investors to look out for.

She didn’t have payroll to cover.

She could just fly out the door whenever she wanted and slay a magma beast.

Are you gonna fix the machine or not?

Yeah, in a minute.

Okay, maybe this place isn’t as adventurous as it used to be.

So it isn’t filled with a motley horde willing to risk life and limb for the mere taste of excitement.

(BLOWS)

But so what?

Who ever said you have to take risks in life to have an adventure?

Apparently, you did.

Table 32 said their mozzarella sticks are cold.

What have I done?

Well, it’s not too late.

I mean, you could just give us the map.

This place used to be dangerous.

COSTUMED MANTICORE: Dangerous!

And wild!

COSTUMED MANTICORE: Wild!

I used to be dangerous and wild!

Dangerous and wild! (LAUGHING)

(ROARS)

(YELLING)

(ROARS)

(ALL GASP)

Wow.

I’m living a lie! What have I become?

Oh, no.

(ROARS)

(BOTH GASP)

Everybody out!

This tavern is closed for remodeling. (ROARS)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Sorry, the karaoke machine is broken!

(ROARS)

Oh.

(BOTH GASP)

No! No, no, no!

No.

We gotta go!

(GRUNTS)

(CREAKING)

(GASPS)

Aloft Elevar!

(GASPS)

(STRAINING)

(LAUGHING) That was unbelievable.

I mean, you were just like… (VOCALIZING)

and the beam was just floating there!

My brother is a wizard.

I can’t believe that worked.

Oh! You’re gonna nail Dad’s spell now.

Except we don’t have a map.

But we’ve got this. Behold!

(SIGHS)

Look, on a quest, you have to use what you’ve got.

And this is what we’ve got.

Best part is, little Kayla already solved the puzzle.

Well, according to Kayla, we just have to look for Raven’s Point.

Raven’s Point. Raven’s Point.

Yes! The gem must be in the mountain.

We could be there by tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

That still gives us plenty of time with Dad.

(SIGHS)

Yeah. Well, it looks like the expressway should take us right there.

Mmm. Expressway is a little too obvious.

On a quest, the clear path is never the right one.

What?

During one Quests of Yore campaign, Shrub Rosehammer and I took the easy route, led him straight into the belly of a gelatinous cube.

Only reason I didn’t suffer the same fate?

I followed my gut.

And it’s telling me we take an ancient trail called the Path of Peril.

IAN: But the expressway is faster.

Maybe not in the long run.

I know you want this to be like one of your adventure games, but all that matters is that we get to spend as much time as possible with Dad.

(SIGHS)

So, we should just take the expressway, right?

Yeah, you’re right.

But if you end up inside a gelatinous cube, you are on your own.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

GPS NARRATOR: Manticore’s Tavern ahead on your right.

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

Hey.

COLT: I’m just checking in.

Did you catch up to the boys yet?

No, not yet.

But I’m a little worried because we had a weird family issue come up, and, well, this just isn’t like Ian to run off.

I mean, Barley, yes, but not Ian.

You know, it’s late, you shouldn’t have to be out looking for ’em.

I know, it’s silly.

I’m sure they’re both probably on fire.

Fire?

Fire! The place is on fire!

My boys! I gotta go!

Laurel!

Get it off, get it off, get it off!

Excuse me. Hello?

Please, I’m looking for two teenage elves.

MANTICORE: I told you already, there were two teenage elves.

Oh! Those are my sons. Where did they go?

Oh. They went on a quest to find a Phoenix Gem.

But don’t worry, don’t worry.

I told them about the map, I told them about the gem, I told them about the curse.

(GASPS) I forgot to tell them about the curse.

The what?

Oh, boy.

Listen, this one’s gone a little… (WHISTLES)

Your boys are in grave danger! But I can help!

(LAUGHING) Whoa, hey, hey!

You’re not going anywhere. We got questions for you.

I know where they’re going! We can still save them!

WOMAN: Okay, I think everything’s good here.

Last name “Manticore”, first name “The”.

Hold on, you’re right. She has gone a little… (WHISTLES)

It’s no wonder with a wound like that.

That’s just a scratch.

Oh, I’m sorry, are you an expert on minotaurs?

Manticores.

Manticores?

Well, no…

Well, then you wouldn’t know that when their blood is exposed to air,

it makes them go bonkers.

I don’t think that’s true.

See? She’s already losing her grip on reality.

So, why don’t you let me save her life before it costs you yours?

Okay.

Thank you.

Could we have a little privacy here, please?

Just lie back. That’s good.

But get your head a little bit higher.

Just don’t take too long back there, okay?

Hey, you hear me?

I said don’t take too long back there, because… (EXCLAIMS)

All right, how do we help my boys?

Ooh! I’m gonna like you.

BARLEY: Radio, headlights, brakes, tires, rims.

I mean, it’s hard to tell now, Dad, before I replaced her parts, Guinevere was actually kind of a piece of junk.

Looks like we’re not gonna get to do everything today, Dad.

That’s okay.

I just wanna meet you.

But don’t worry, we’ll, uh, have you fixed up and back home to see…

Oh, man. Mom!

Barley, we’re not gonna be able to get Dad back in time to see Mom.

Oh.

Well, Dad, at least you won’t have to meet the new guy.

(MIMICS COLT) So, you workin’ hard or hardly workin’?

(MIMIC COLT’S LAUGH)

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

(MIMICS COLT) Barley, Barley, Barley.

Every time there’s trouble, I gotta deal with you.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Is that your Colt?

Yeah.

You’re gonna wanna work on that.

No, no, no! Come on, old girl.

(SIGHS) I thought you said you fixed the van.

Relax. Guinevere is fine.

Her stomach is just a little empty.

But it says we have a full tank.

(LAUGHING) No. That doesn’t work.

Oh. Only a few drops left.

Maybe if there’s a gas station…

Hmm.

(SIGHS)

(BEEPING)

Is there a magic way to get gas?

(GASPS) Oh! I like your thinking, young mage.

(GRUNTS)

Growth spell!

We grow the can, and then the gas inside will grow with it.

Uh, that’s kind of a weird idea.

I know! I like it, too.

Okay.

Loosen up. Heart’s fire. Here we go.

Whoa. It’s not that simple. (CHUCKLES)

This one learns a little magic, thinks he’s Shamblefoot the Wondrous, am I right, Dad?

A growth spell is a bit more advanced.

Not only do you have to speak from your heart’s fire, but now you also have to follow a magic decree.

A magic what?

It’s a special rule that keeps the spell working right.

This one states, “To magnify an object, you have to magnify your attention upon it.”

While you cast the spell, you can’t let anything distract you.

Okay.

Ow!

What?

Splinter.

Can we sand this thing down?

No. It’s an ancient staff with magic in every glorious fiber.

You can’t sand it down.

All right. All right. Here we go. Focus.

Uh…

Something wrong?

Sorry, it’s just, your stance is, uh… Here.

Chin up, elbows out, feet apart, back slightly arched.

Okay, how’s that feel?

Great.

Oh, one more thing…

Barley!

Okay, okay.

Magnora Gantuan!

Don’t let the magic spook you.

Okay.

Elbows!

What?

Elbows up!

No, no, no, it’s too high. That’s too high.

I’m trying to focus here.

BARLEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Focus. Focus on the can.

Focus.

(IAN STRAINING)

Focus.

Barley! Ah! Forget it!

BARLEY: (LAUGHING) It worked!

The can is huge.

And the van is huge.

And you’re…

Oh, no.

What happened?

Looks like you shrunk me.

How?

Well, if you mess up a spell, there are consequences.

I only messed up because you wouldn’t stop bothering me.

I was trying to help you.

Well, don’t try to help me.

Oh, okay. Fine. I won’t!

Whoa, whoa. Dad, it’s me. (SCATTING)

Whoa! Dad, it’s okay. Don’t worry.

I’m gonna fix this.

Well, where are you going?

IAN: (SIGHS) To find a gas station.

Well, I’m going, too.

Fine.

Hey, I don’t need your help.

Fine with me.

Oh. (PANTING)

(SIGHS)

(BARLEY PANTING)

I just need a little break.

My baby legs can’t go that fast.

Look, a gas station.

(GASPS) Good.

Oh, wait, I forgot. (GRUNTING)

You don’t need my help.

Hey, I don’t need you to carry me. I’m a grown man.

IAN: Dad!

Come on, it’s okay. Barley is with me.

BARLEY: Yeah, I’m fine, Dad.

The side effects are supposed to wear off eventually.

Do I look any bigger yet?

(BIKES REVVING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(WHISTLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey! Did you just bump into me?

Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t see you there.

Do it again, and you’ll see me in your nightmares.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

This one’s lucky. I know it.

Give me a bag of extra-sours. Keep the change.

Outta the way, beanstalk.

Uh, 10 on pump two, please.

(BARLEY GRUNTING)

What are you doing?

I’m getting us food.

All right, I got it.

And a couple of these. Thank you.

Psst. I have to go to the bathroom.

Can it wait?

It’s your pocket.

Can we have the bathroom key, please?

Okay, be quick. I want to get out of here.

BARLEY: Okay, I’m goin’.

That’ll be 12.99.

MUSTARDSEED: Hey, watch it!

You got a problem, Shades?

Answer me when I’m talking to you.

(SHUDDERS) I’m sorry, I don’t really know where his head’s at right now.

How could this night get any worse?

(GRUNTS) You know, I would fly us to help your boys, but the old wings aren’t what they used to be.

Oh, that’s fine. So, about this curse…

It’s my own fault.

I should be doing my wing exercises every morning, but you know how that goes.

Please, the curse. What does it do?

Right. Sorry. It’s a Guardian Curse.

If your boys take the gem, the curse will rise up and assume the form of a mighty beast, and battle your sons to the…

Ooh. Well, how do your boys do in a crisis?

Not great. One of them is afraid of everything, and the other isn’t afraid of anything.

Yeah, that skinny kid of yours is pretty fearless.

No, no. You mean the big one, Barley.

No, no, the little guy. Ooh, he really let me have it.

What? No, look, you said you could help them, right?

Every curse has a core, the center of its power.

And only one weapon forged of the rarest metals can destroy it, my enchanted sword, the Curse Crusher!

Well, okay, but you don’t seem to have that on you.

I sold it. (CHUCKLES)

Got in a little tax trouble a few years back.

But don’t worry, I know just where to find it.

I am on my way, boys.

Just try to stay out of trouble.

(DINGS)

(SIGHS) What is taking you so long?

DEWDROP: Who you calling “whimsical”?

Oh, no.

BARLEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You’ve got a lot of nerve.

BARLEY: I’m just saying, sprites used to fly around spreading delight.

That’s a good thing.

Sprites can’t fly.

Well, your wings don’t work ’cause you stopped using them.

You calling me lazy?

No, no, no.

Not you. Your ancestors.

What did you say about my ancestors?

I didn’t mean lazy…

I’m sorry, very sorry. He’s sorry, too.

You don’t need to fly. Who needs to fly?

I mean, you’ve got those great bikes.

What are you doing? I was just discussing history.

Barley, I’m trying to take care of you and Dad, and you’re not making it any easier.

Dad, come on.

(GASPS) Oh, no.

(ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Hey! You’re dead! (YELLS)

We’re dead! We’re dead! We’re dead!

BARLEY: Relax. They won’t be able to lift those bikes.

(BIKE ENGINES REVVING)

They are strong.

We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die!

BARLEY: It’s locked.

What? Where are the keys?

(GASPS)

(BIKES APPROACHING)

I got this.

Come on, Barley.

(STRAINING) Whoa!

Okay, go, go, go!

(GRUNTING)

No. No, no, no. No way.

You’re gonna have to.

(BIKES ROARING)

(GASPS)

Come on. Why won’t it start?

(ENGINE STALLING)

There’s a sweet spot.

Not in the middle, not quite at the end.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, Guinevere!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Put it in “o” for “onward.”

(SPRITES SHOUTING)

(GRUNTS)

Drive!

Okay, you’re gonna have to merge.

(IAN WHIMPERS)

(HORN BLARES)

BARLEY: Speed up!

I can’t do this.

BARLEY: Yes, you can.

I’m not ready!

You’ll never be ready. Merge!

(IAN GRUNTING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(IAN YELLING)

(LAUGHING) Nice job!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, don’t hit Gwinny.

Barley!

Oh, no.

Get around ’em!

They’re not letting me in.

Signal.

You don’t have a signaler.

Stick your arm straight out the window to signal left.

(YELLS)

(SPRITES YELLING)

(GASPS) Get back here.

Just keep driving.

Barley!

(GRUNTS)

BARLEY: The mountains are north.

You need to get all the way over.

(EXCLAIMS)

What the…?

(HORN BLARING)

Oh, it is on, Shades! Get ’em!

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

Ian, stay focused!

I can’t!

You have to focus or we are all dead!

(WHIMPERS)

Just stay cool.

(GRUNTS)

(AIR BLASTING)

(SPRITES YELLING)

Way to go, Guinevere!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Hit it!

(SCREAMING)

BARLEY: We’re not gonna make it!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Dad, are you okay?

He’s fine, thanks to the skillful driving of Sir Ian Lightfoot. High five!

(GRUNTS) What is happening?

I think the spell is wearing off. (GRUNTS)

Get off my face.

(SIREN WHOOPING)

(GRUNTS) Chantor’s Talon! Cops!

Pull over.

I don’t have a license.

(EXCLAIMS) My wallet’s still tiny.

Step out of the vehicle.

What are we gonna do?

I don’t know.

How are we gonna explain…? Oh, no. Dad!

GORE: You have a long night there, buddy?

SPECTER: Sir, I’m gonna ask you to walk this straight line.

(GASPS) They’re gonna take Dad.

(SOFTLY) Okay, okay.

Oh, I got it. The disguise spell.

You can disguise yourself to be anyone you want.

But what if I mess up again?

According to the spell, “Disguising yourself is a lie, so you must tell the truth to get by.”

As long as you don’t tell a lie, the spell will be fine.

Okay. Who are we gonna be?

Okay, we’re taking you down to the station.

IAN: (AS COLT, CLEARS THROAT) What seems to be the problem here, fellow police folk?

Officer Bronco?

Were you in that van?

Affirmative. And we will… I mean, I will take full responsibility for that fella right there, so you can just release him over to me.

(WHISPERS) Hey, I wanted to be the front.

No way. I’ll do the talking.

Bronco, I thought you were working on the other side of town.

I, uh, changed my mind.

(GASPS)

Something wrong?

Just a little neck cramp.

(WHIMPERS)

(WHISPERS) You have to stop lying.

Answer every question with a question.

What exactly are you doing out here?

Uh… What am I doing out here?

What are any of us doing out here?

Whoa. I never thought about it like that.

Nice.

With all due respect, you didn’t answer my question.

Well, we were just exercising some driver’s education drills for Ian.

Who is Ian?

Oh, is that Laurel’s kid?

Ian is Laurel’s kid.

Your stepson was swerving all over the road.

Yeah, well… that guy’s not all there today.

Yeah, he does seem a little off.

You seem a little off yourself.

Uh, actually, if I’m being completely honest, I’m not super great in this kind of situation, and I’m starting to freak out a little bit.

And I’m all sweaty and weird, and I don’t know what to say and I just feel like I can’t do anything right, and I’m a total weirdo.

Hold on, hold on.

I think I know what’s going on here.

Uh… You do?

It’s not easy being a new parent.

My girlfriend’s daughter got me pulling my hair out, okay?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

All right, we can let him go.

Okay, well, I’m just gonna take him to the van.

Hey, it gets better. All right? Good luck, Bronco.

You, too, Officer.

Keep workin’ hard or hardly workin’.

(LAUGHS)

Now, that was a good Colt.

I don’t envy you, Bronco.

That Lightfoot kid is a handful.

Uh, I’m gonna have to disagree with you there.

I think Ian’s a pretty stand-up citizen.

Not him, the older one.

What?

I mean, the guy’s a screwup.

You can’t say you don’t agree.

Um, I don’t.

What?

(HESITATES) I mean, okay, well…

I gotta get going. Gotta get Ian home.

(HESITATING) I mean, I’m late for work.

Sorry, I mean, I’m feelin’ a little sick.

I mean tired. Sick and tired. Gotta go!

See you Monday!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, man. Bronco is losin’ it.

See, that’s why I never got married.

Old Gore can’t be tied down.

(RADIO STATIC)

This is Specter.

Can you put me through to Officer Colt Bronco?

Barley, I don’t know what happened back there.

But I don’t think you’re a screwup.

Maybe the magic just got it wrong, you know.

Yeah.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

I don’t know what happened.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

Barley! Barley!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Where are you going?

Barley, come on. This is all just…

I’m not a screwup.

I didn’t say you were.

The magic said it for you.

Well, the magic got it wrong.

Magic doesn’t get it wrong!

The cop asked a question,

you answered, and magic revealed the truth. Right?

Right?

I don’t know how any of this stuff works.

All I know is that everything we’ve done tonight has gone wrong.

Yeah, it’s gone wrong because you won’t listen to me.

Are you kidding?

Because everything we’ve done has been your idea.

But you didn’t do it my way.

You didn’t let me handle the Manticore.

You freaked out when I talked to the sprites.

‘Cause you don’t think I have good ideas.

What? Of course I do.

Great! Then I think we should take the Path of Peril.

And I also think that would be good, normally…

See?

But, I told you, this isn’t a game.

All that matters today is Dad, and right now he’s sitting in that van, and he’s confused…

What?

What is he doing?

I think he can feel the vibrations of the music, and he’s dancing.

IAN: Wow.

He is terrible.

Yeah. He’s really, really bad.

Oh, no. Here he comes.

No, no, no. Thanks, Dad. Dad, thank you.

I’m good.

(CHUCKLES) Stop.

Okay. Okay.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no!

I’m not really a big dancer.

Uh… (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Just imagine what the top half of this dance looks like.

I bet it goes something like this.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

BARLEY: Ow.

Ah, you danced your shoelaces loose there, Pop.

(SIGHS)

You know, I wanna see him, too.

Yeah, I know.

It’s not fair for you to call me a screwup if you don’t give me a chance to get something right.

Just do one thing my way.

You really think this Path of Peril is the best way to go to the mountain?

Okay.

Uh… So, where is your magic sword?

It lies beyond those gates.

If we don’t leave here with the sword, your boys are doomed.

GRECKLIN: There you are.

One garlic crusher.

No, Curse Crusher.

It’s a large magical sword.

Sword.

Sword, sword, sword.

I mean, I got this thing.

(LAUGHS) That’s it!

How much?

(GRUNTS)

Let’s call it, uh, 10.

LAUREL: Great!

Forged of the rarest metals, the only sword of its kind in all the land.

(MANTICORE EXHALES)

Hello, old friend. We shall never part again.

Oh! Turns out this sword is the only sword of its kind in all the land.

So, let’s call it 10,000. (CACKLES)

You can’t do that!

Well, I just did. (CACKLES)

Okay, you had better…

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

Hey, I talked to some other officers, and they said the boys were last seen going north.

Are they okay?

They’re fine.

But the officers said… Well, honey, this night keeps getting stranger and stranger.

Do you know who I am?

Some kind of winged bear-snake lady?

Argh! Winged lion-scorpion lady!

It sure does.

Listen, I need that sword.

My sons have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see their father.

Now, my oldest son…

Holy son of a… You killed her!

It’s okay. She’s only temporarily paralyzed.

Hey, you can’t do this.

Well, I just did.

Grab the sword.

Don’t you touch that.

Here you go.

And a little something extra for your trouble.

I love your store.

Oh, that’s so pretty.

Hey! Hey!

(LAUREL WHOOPING)

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Laurel, what’s happening?

MANTICORE: Yeah!

Hello? Are you all right?

Laurel?

Oh, Colt, I can’t talk. The boys need me.

Wait! (SIGHS)

Dang those kids.

Huh.

BARLEY: ♪ We’re heading on a quest

♪ Our father we must retrieve

♪ The Lightfoot brothers can’t be stopped

♪ Something, something

♪ That rhymes with retrieve

(EXCLAIMS)

Yeah, we’re still here.

Well, good morning to thee, dear Lightfoot men.

Welcome to the Path of Peril.

IAN: It’s not much of a path.

Well, you know, they never really developed around here.

So, heads up, we could run into anything.

A centicore, wolf dragon, gelatinous cube.

Okay, what is a gelatinous cube?

Oh, it’s a giant green cube that instantly disintegrates all that it touches.

We are not gonna run into a… Oh! Stop!

BARLEY: Ahh!

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(BOTH SIGH IN RELIEF)

IAN: What is this?

BARLEY: Bottomless pit.

Whatever falls in there, falls forever.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(IAN GASPS)

Aw, Dad, come here.

Ian, check it out.

This is an ancient drawbridge.

We lower that bad boy and we are on our way to Raven’s Point.

Look around for a lever.

IAN: Found it.

But it’s on the other side.

Okay, I got this.

Aloft Elevar.

(BARLEY SNORTS)

You can’t cast a levitation spell on something that far away.

It only has, like, a 15-meter enchanting radius. (SNICKERS)

Dad, can you believe this guy?

What we need is a Trust Bridge.

It’s a spell that creates a magical bridge you can walk on.

Just say “Bridgrigar Invisia.”

Okay. Bridgrigar Invisia.

Bridgrigar Invisia!

It didn’t work.

No, the spell’s still going.

You won’t know if your bridge worked until you step on it.

Step on what?

If you believe the bridge is there, then it’s there.

But it’s not.

Well, not with that attitude.

I’m not gonna step out onto nothing.

Now we’ve got a rope.

But you’re not gonna even need it because…

I want the rope!

Okay.

I’m just saying you’re not gonna need the rope, because I know you can make that bridge.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m dead! I’m dead! I’m dead!

Oh, my life is over.

I got you.

(STRAINING)

Okay, you fell.

But was that so bad?

Yes!

Are you still alive?

Yes.

Okay, so now you know the worst that can happen.

So, there’s nothing to be scared of, right?

(EXHALES)

Bridgrigar Invisia!

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Hey. You can do this.

(BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY)

Yeah!

There you go!

(YELPS)

(GASPS)

(PANTING)

Believe with every step.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(CHUCKLES)

BARLEY: Oh, yeah!

You’ve got me, right?

I still got you.

(BARLEY WHOOPING)

Ian Lightfoot is fearless.

(GASPS)

This is amazing! (LAUGHS)

Yeah! But just keep going.

Don’t look back. Just straight ahead.

(LAUGHS)

You’ve still got the rope, right?

Yeah, I got it.

I am not afraid!

Oh, man, I could stay out here all day.

Huh. Huh.

Okay, but keep moving. We’ve gotta see Dad, remember?

Hey, Dad, this last step is for you.

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)

Ahh!

Oh. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(WHIMPERING)

(LAUGHS) He did it, Dad.

(WHOOPING)

(LAUGHS) That was amazing.

How long was the rope gone?

Oh, just, like, the second half of it.

I needed that rope.

Oh, but did you?

Ian! Look.

It’s a raven.

The clue on the menu said Raven’s Point.

Yeah. In the mountains.

But maybe the puzzle didn’t mean the mountain.

Maybe it means follow where the raven is pointing.

(LAUGHS) It’s another raven.

That one could be pointing to another raven, all the way to the gem.

I… I had us going the wrong way.

Well, I told you. My gut knows where to go.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Don’t you, boy? Yes, you do.

(CHUCKLES)

Huh.

Come on, Dad.

Guinevere will get us to that raven in no time.

(SIREN WAILING)

You guys… (GRUNTING)

…are in trouble, big time.

No, no, no, Colt. We found a spell.

If we finish it before sunset, we’ll get to see our father.

Ahh!

Well, uh, your mom told me there was some kind of strange (CLEARS THROAT) family issue going on, and this is definitely strange.

But no, dang it.

I’m not letting you upset your mother anymore.

Now you get in the vehicle, I’m escorting you home.

No. No way.

I’m giving you to the count of three.

(CLOPPING)

Okay, we’ll go.

Ian.

He’s a police officer.

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

What are you doing?

I don’t know.

(EXCLAIMS) Son of a…

(PANTING HEAVILY)

I need backup. Runaway van!

(BARLEY LAUGHING)

Yeah! Iandore Lightfoot, breaking the rules.

I can’t believe I’m running from the cops.

BARLEY: You’re not running from the cops,

you’re running from our mom’s boyfriend.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, now you’re running from the cops.

(GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION)

Hold on!

BARLEY: Whoa! (LAUGHS)

Yeah! Nice going, Guinevere!

(BARLEY WHOOPING)

(BOTH GASP)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, what did I do? I shouldn’t have driven away.

No, it was great.

Hey, block the road with those boulders.

What? How?

Arcane Lightning.

You said that’s the hardest spell.

You are ready.

“To make lightning strike with ease, one must follow all decrees.”

You have to do everything.

Speak from your heart’s fire, trust yourself, focus, all of it.

Voltar Thundasir. (SIGHS)

Voltar Thundasir.

Voltar Thundasir!

(STRAINING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(STAFF CRACKLING)

(GRUNTS)

I can’t! I can’t do it.

(PANTING)

We’re not gonna see you, Dad. And it’s all my fault.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(INSPIRING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

What are you doing?

What the…?

Barley.

She was just a beat-up old van.

Come on, we gotta go.

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

Wait.

Oh. You see that, Dad?

The apprentice has become the master. (CHUCKLES)

It looks like water.

IAN: So, what’s the, uh, X mean?

On a quest, an X only means one thing.

We go to the end of the water, we’ll find that Phoenix Gem.

(SNARLING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Unicorns!

IAN: Whoa.

Cool.

(SIGHS) This water could go on for miles.

We don’t have that kinda time.

If we had something to float on, we could cast a velocity spell on it, fly down the tunnel like a magic jet ski.

IAN: Well, there’s not much to float on.

Remember, on a quest, you have to use what you’ve got.

IAN: Magnora Gantuan!

(SPLASHING)

IAN: Woo-hoo!

(BARLEY LAUGHS)

Accelior!

BOTH: Whoa!

(CHUCKLES) This is actually kinda cool.

So, what other spells do you know?

(CHUCKLES) Brace yourself, young mage.

I know all there is to know of magic.

LAUREL: Colt, we know where the boys are going.

We just have to get to them before they unleash the curse.

COLT: (OVER PHONE) The what?

Let’s crush some curses!

The curse. The curse that protects the gem by turning into a rock dragon or something.

A what dragon?

I can’t explain it.

I just know we have to get to the boys fast.

Oh, we’ll get to them fast. We’ll get to them so fast.

(SLURPING)

Oh!

Well, I almost had ’em, but Ian, he just drove off.

Huh. Good for him.

What?

No, I just mean he’s scared to drive.

Thinks something’s gonna come at him out of the…

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SHRIEKS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(CRASHING)

Oh! I think I stung my leg.

COLT: Laurel, what happened? What’s goin’ on?

You almost killed me, lady.

Are you okay? Where did you come from?

You were in our flight path.

(SPRITES GRUMBLING)

SPRITE 1: Are you all right?

I’m fine.

Oh, no. Our transport!

How are we going to get to your sons now?

Come on, Pixie Dusters, let’s take to the skies.

SPRITES: Yeah!

SPRITE 2: I was born to fly!

How do you feel about exercising those wings?

(NERVOUSLY) Uh…

Boombastia!

Ah, remember…

Oh, right.

Boombastia!

Whoa!

(BARLEY LAUGHS)

Yeah! You’re a natural! Think fast.

Aloft Elevar!

Yeah! (GRUNTS) Nice!

Careful how much boat you’re eating there, man, we still gotta make it to the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. Good point.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) I can’t believe I’m this close to actually talking to Dad.

You know what I’m gonna ask him?

If he ever gave himself a wizard name.

What?

Well, ’cause he was into magic.

Lots of wizards have cool names.

Alora the Majestic.

Birdar the Fanciful. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, it’ll just be nice to have more than four memories of him.

Uh, three.

Hmm?

You only have three memories.

Oh, yeah.

Barley, do you have another memory of Dad you haven’t told me?

No, it’s just not my favorite.

What do you mean?

(SIGHS)

When Dad was sick, I was supposed to go in and say goodbye to him.

But he was hooked up to all these tubes, and he just didn’t look like himself.

I got scared, and I didn’t go in.

That’s when I decided

I was never gonna be scared ever again.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) Looks like we’re coming up on somethin’.

The final gauntlet.

The Phoenix Gem is just on the other side.

Careful, there could be booby traps.

This place is, like, 1,000 years old.

There’s no way there could be…

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(WIND WHOOSHES)

Oh, no.

It can’t be.

A gelatinous cube!

(GASPS)

(SIZZLES)

(CREAKING)

Run!

Whoa! Wait! It’s some kind of puzzle.

We gotta figure it out before…

No time. Grab a shield.

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Jump! Trust me!

What?

(YELLING)

Aloft Elevar!

(LAUGHS)

Ow. (GRUNTS)

Ian.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Whew!

(EXCLAIMS) Don’t step on that.

(RUMBLING)

(BARLEY YELPS)

I didn’t touch it.

Voltar Thundasir!

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

The tile down there has the same shape as the opening.

Maybe we were supposed to step on it?

What?

I got it.

No, Barley!

(GASPS)

Oh! It’s working!

(GASPS) It’s impossible.

No one can hold their breath that long.

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATH)

(BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATHS)

(GASPING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

We made it!

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

The Phoenix Gem awaits beyond this door.

Shall we?

We certainly shall!

Dad, we have followed the quest, and it has led us to our victory!

(BUS HONKING)

We’re back home.

No, that doesn’t make sense. We took the Path of Peril.

We followed the ravens, we went to the end of the water…

Unless the X meant stay away from the water.

Or it could be, like, a campfire?

It’s okay. We can figure this out.

Figure out what? We’re back where we started.

I mean, it has to be here. There was a gauntlet.

I mean, unless that gauntlet was for, coincidentally, some different quest.

That’s a possibility.

What?

No, no, no. This has to be where the Phoenix Gem is.

I followed my gut.

Oh, no.

What?

The gem is in the mountain.

The mountain we could have been to hours ago if we just…

If we just stayed on the expressway.

No, the expressway is too obvious.

You can never take the obvious…

If I hadn’t listened to you! Okay?

I can’t believe this.

You act like you know what you’re doing, but you don’t have a clue, and that’s because you are a screwup.

And now you’ve screwed up my chance  to have the one thing I never had!

Where are you going?

To spend what little time we have left with Dad.

Ian, wait!

We can still find the Phoenix Gem.

We just have to keep lookin’.

Ian!

Ian!

No, Dad.

He’s not here.

(PANTING)

Come on. Where is it?

Follow the water.

Ugh…

All right. Come on, out of the fountain.

No, I’m looking for an ancient gem.

Oh, yeah, we know. “The old days.”

No! Stop! Please! No!

Okay, ow, okay!

Okay. I’m leaving.

WORKER 1: Hey!

WORKER 2: Come on!

Can someone call the cops? We got the history buff again.

(PANTING)

IAN: I can’t do this.

BARLEY: Yes, you can.

I’m not ready!

You’ll never be ready. Merge!

Nice job!

(PEN CLICKS)

Think fast.

Aloft Elevar!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SPUTTERING)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(BOTH GRUNTING AND GIGGLING)

(YELPS)

(GIGGLES)

Woo-hoo!

BARLEY: I know you’re stronger than that.

My little brother has the magic gift.

Don’t hold back.

Hey. You can do this.

(PANTING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SPECTER: Okay, come on. Get down right now.

(STONES RUMBLING)

(GASPS)

Yeah! Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Barley!

Ian! Look!

(LAUGHS)

Behind you!

(GASPS)

It’s a curse.

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(WHIMPERS)

(PEOPLE WHIMPERING)

(GASPS)

(ROARS)

Barley, run!

What do you want? The gem?

Fine, take it!

Ha-ha!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(ROARS)

The Manticore!

Mom?

It’s okay, boys, we’ll take care…

Whoa… You’re tilting! You’re tilting!

Mom!

Go see your father!

It’s okay! If they stab the beast’s core with that sword, the curse will be broken.

Come on!

(GROWLS)

(MANTICORE LAUGHS)

(MANTICORE PANTING)

(MANTICORE ROARS)

Barley, what I said before… I am so sorry.

There’s no time. The sun’s about to set.

(WHIMPERS)

Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth.

Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth!

(ROARS)

Time to crush a curse!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(BONES CRACKING)

Ooh, my back.

(DRAGON ROARS)

(LAUREL GASPS)

I am a mighty warrior.

(PANTING)

I am a mighty warrior!

Hurry! I can’t hold this for long!

(STRAINING)

No! No, no, no! Barley!

(STONES RUMBLING)

(GASPS)

(STRAINING)

Boys, it’s coming back!

I’ll go distract it.

What? No!

If you do that, you’ll miss Dad.

It’s okay. Say hi to Dad for me.

No. You go and say goodbye.

What?

I had someone who looked out for me.

Someone who pushed me to be more than I ever thought I could be.

I never had a dad,

but I always had you.

Bridgrigar Invisia!

Boombastia!

(ROARS)

Aloft Elevar!

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

No!

(ROARS)

(WHIMPERS)

No! No, no, no!

(STRAINS AND GASPS)

Use what I have.

Uh, what do I have? I have nothing.

Splinter. Magic in every fiber.

Magnora Gantuan!

No! Voltar Thundasir!

Ian!

Accelior!

(PANTING HEAVILY)

(PANTING)

LAUREL: Ian!

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(GRUNTS)

(WILDEN LAUGHING)

(GASPS SOFTLY)

(SNIFFLES)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

What did he say?

He said he always thought his wizard name would be Wilden the Whimsical.

Wow. That’s really terrible.

I know. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

He also said he’s very proud of the person you grew up to be.

Well, I owe an awful lot of that to you.

He kinda said that, too.

Oh, and he told me to give you this.

IAN: Long ago, the world was full of wonder.

It was adventurous, exciting, and best of all, there was magic.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SPRITE: Whoa! Watch it!

(LAUGHS) Bullseye!

(SPRITES CHEERING)

And then, with a slash of my mighty sword, I severed the beast’s wings from its wretched body!

(KIDS GASPING)

Okay, who wants cake?

(KIDS CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)

And I think, with a little bit of magic in your life, you can do almost anything.

Is that how you put the school back together?

Uh, yes.

STUDENT: Is that also how you destroyed the school in the first place?

Uh, also yes.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hey, that was great.

Thanks.

You going to the park later?

Yeah! See you there.

Mom! Oof!

(LAUGHING)

(BLAZEY YIPPING)

Blazey, down!

Who’s a good dragon? Who’s a good dragon?

So, how was school?

It was really good.

Well, all right.

Hey, there he is. You workin’ hard?

No, hardly workin’.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I gotta go. I’m meeting the Manticore for a night out.

DISPATCHER: (ON RADIO) We got a one-one-three in progress.

All units report.

Duty calls. Time to hit the trails.

Oh, you forgot your keys!

Don’t need ’em. I was born to run.

Hyah!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

Ah. (CHUCKLES)

So, how’s the new van?

Oh. Guinevere the Second is great.

I’ve almost got enough saved up for a sweet paint job.

No, please don’t.

Why not?

Because I already took care of it.

Oh, yeah!

Okay, best way to the park is to take a little something called the Road of Ruin.

Uh… It’s too obvious.

Wait, what?

On a quest, the clear path is never the right one.

BARLEY: (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah!

(IAN LAUGHING)

(FOLK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ You’re the soul who understands

♪ The scars and made me who I am

♪ Through the drifting sands of time

♪ I got your back and you got mine

♪ If you bear a heavy load

♪ I’ll be your wheels I’ll be the road

♪ I’ll see us through the thick and thin

♪ For love and loss until the end

♪ ‘Cause you carried me with you

♪ From the highest of the peaks

♪ To the darkness of the blue

♪ I was just too blind to see

♪ Like a lighthouse in a storm You were always guiding me

♪ Yeah, it’s true

♪ You carried me with you

♪ From the day it all began

♪ Yeah, you were there You took my hand

♪ And when I hurt a bit too deep

♪ You watched me as I fell asleep

♪ And when my head was in the cloud

♪ You found a way to pull me out

♪ You picked my heart up off the ground

♪ And showed me love was all around

♪ Yeah, you carried me with you

♪ From the highest of the peaks

♪ To the darkness of the blue

♪ I was just too blind to see

♪ Like a lighthouse in a storm You were always guiding me

♪ Yeah, it’s true

♪ You carried me with you

♪ Oh, we’ll be sitting on the world together

♪ Watching as the days turn into night

♪ We know how to brave the stormy weather

♪ And we’re never giving up without a fight

♪ If you should ever bear a heavy load

♪ I’ll be your wheels I’ll be the road

♪ I’ll see us through the thick and thin

♪ For love and loss until the end

♪ ‘Cause you carried me with you

♪ From the highest of the peaks

♪ To the darkness of the blue

♪ I was just too blind to see

♪ Like a lighthouse in a storm You were always guiding me

♪ Yeah, it’s true

♪ You carried me with you

♪ Oh, you carried me with you ♪

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