ERIC ANDRE: LEGALIZE EVERYTHING (2020)

In his first Netflix stand-up special, Eric Andre screams and shouts for 50 minutes, talking about how many drugs he's done, talking about drugs some more, and asking the audience what drugs they like.
Eric Andre: Legalize Everything (2020)

Opening Sketch

[dramatic music playing]

[street bustles]

[cars honk] [drumming rhythmically] [New Orleans jazz band plays]

[sirens wail]

[police dispatcher murmurs]

[siren whooping]

[tires screeching]

[engine revs]

[dispatcher continues]

[whooping continues]

[tires screech]

[dramatic music softens]

[bottles shatter in slow motion]

[bottles rattle in slow motion]

[dramatic music fades]

[jazz band continues]

I stole this from the evidence room, man.

[men ooh] -Legalize it.

[flicking lighter]

He got weed! [laughs] [men cackle] You a damn fool.

What… [laughs]

[flicking lighter] [bong bubbling] Really? You police?

[Eric] Yeah. [rustles bag]

Yeah? Mushrooms.

Ma’am, I’m high as a Georgia pine.

Ah…

Hey, you guys want coke?

[passenger] What the fuck? I stole these pills and these ‘shrooms from the evidence room.

You stole ’em and you took ’em? This stuff will knock you into next Tuesday. You gotta get high with me.

You in trouble right now.

Yeah. [chuckles] Right? You gotta find the glory holes around this city. You know what I mean?

[moans sexually]

[jazz band continues]

Oh, yeah.

[woman] Oh, no. [gurgles] Is that really marijuana?

[flicks lighter] Yeah.

[bong bubbles]

Can I have a hit?

No, no, no! [bong bubbling] [Eric] Yeah! [screaming] Legalize everything!

[siren wailing]

[“3rd Ward Bounce” by Big Freedia plays]

* * *

[audience cheers]

[host yells] Give it up for Eric Andre!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Yes! Come on! [Eric yells indistinctly] [yelling continues]

[cheering intensifies]

[Big Freedia rapping faintly in song] [yelling] Let’s go, New Orleans! [applause and cheering continues] What the fuck! New Orleans, [frenzied] what the fuck is going on!

Yes!

[“3rd Ward Bounce” fading]

[prolonged] Holy shit!

[mic stand thuds] Where my weed smokers at?

Make some noise.

[audience cheers] [woman screams] ‘Cause I’m a narc. Book ’em! [audience laughs] You’re under arrest, El Chapo! [audience laughs] You guys ever have one of these days? You ever, like, smoke a big-ass joint, and just blow it right into a baby’s face?

[audience laughs]

[man] Hell yeah! [gruff] We got to make these kids cool.

Right, daddy-o?

[audience laughs] Grab the Jack Kerouac books and dribble a little CBD oil in that baby’s eyes! [audience laughs] Or did you ever do this growing up? Did you ever, um, sprinkle cocaine on your little brother’s toothbrush,

[audience laughs] like, right before kindergarten class? He was like… [grinding chaotically] He was on the playground with, like, a Bluetooth in his ear, and he was handcuffed to an attache case.

[audience laughs] And he was just walking back and forth on the playground like, [gruff] “Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy! Sell! Trade! Don’t look at it! Eat it!” [audience laughs] I like acid. That’s my favorite drug, LSD. [audience cheers and applauds] Parkour down here, my man! Parkour from that side to that side, John Wilkes Booth! [audience laughs]

[woman whoos]

[man] Yeah! Prove your loyalty to this crowd. [audience laughs] I’m like you guys. I like acid. I like LSD. Right? But every time I drop acid, I jerk off to anime, right? [audience laughs and whoops] I’m like, “Oh, yeah. Sailor Moon’s looking real good this year, man.” I got a belt around my neck. I’m like, “I don’t care if this is a Ross Dress For Less!

[gasping for air] Squatters’ rights!”

[audience laughs] Know your rights, squatters. [audience cheers]

[cheering intensifies]

[cackles] [exhales] I wanna make– [stammers] You ever go to a football game and you see the guys with beer helmets?

I want to make, like, a cocaine helmet

[audience laughs] with two big bags of blow on each side of it. And I want a couple of straws coming out of each bag, and I want to cram ’em up each of my nostrils, and get high as shit, and go to an actual football game and root for the referee the entire time. [audience laughs] Just be like, “Yeah! You’re making some honest-ass calls, bro! Whoo! What’s your email, man? Let’s start a Hotmail account together! [sputtering and panting] Dude, if we started a band, by this time next year, we could be headlining the Fyre Festival!” [audience laughs] [audience members whoop] I’ve done the worst cocaine in my entire life in New Orleans.

-What is going on?

[audience shouting] Shame on the coke dealers of New Orleans! Pablo Escobar’s rolling in his grave. [audience chuckles] I swear to God, I bought an 8-ball off this guy, I think I gave him a hundred bucks. I think he just walked around the side of the building, and scratched drywall into a Ziploc bag.

[audience laughs] I was like… [sniffs, babbles indistinctly] [audience laughs] I have good news. I finally smoked weed with my mom.

[audience cheers]

[patting back]

[audience applauds]

-Did it. Took me 36 years of campaigning. Finally did it. Now, keep in mind, my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?

[audience laughs] -It wasn’t easy. No, she came to my house. We were in Los Angeles. And I’m driving around with my mom, and I go, “Mom, smoke pot with me.” And she goes, [mimics] “No. It’s illegal.” And I go, “No, it’s not. It’s legal now.” And she goes, “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] I swear to God, it was that easy. So we went to my house, I’m trying to smoke a bowl with her, and she can’t inhale. She looks Dizzy Gillespie the whole time. She’s like… [sputtering, blowing raspberry] So I give her a little weed cookie, and then we start playing Scrabble, and then 20 or 30 minutes later her eyes got all red. And she looked up at me and she goes,

[gravelly] “My mouth is dry.

[audience laughs] Is that part of the appeal?” [audience laughs] And then she snapped. She was like, “Bring it in. Bill Cosby didn’t do it. [audience laughs] I did it.” [audience laughs] And I haven’t seen her since.

[audience laughs]

[Eric laughing] By the way, Bill Cosby is guest bartending tonight, if you guys want some really strong drinks. Whoo!

[audience cheering] [audience applauds] [Eric cackles] You guys wanna know what my original opener for my Netflix special was?

[all] Yeah! -I was actu– I was gonna walk out, walk to the front of the stage, jerk off into the audience and go, “Free Louis CK!

[yells indistinctly]

[audience laughs] [screaming] RIP, Louis!

[audience laughs]

[mic thuds] My man Louis’ locked up!” [yelling continues] [Eric laughs] Is there medicinal marijuana out here?

[all] No.

No. Who’s the governor?

[audience murmurs]

Bobby Jindal?

[audience] No!

Who? Malcolm-Jamal Warner from The Cosby Show?

[audience laughs]

[woman shouting] L. Ron Hubbard? [audience laughs] Okay. I’m excited. I just got my medical crystal meth card.

Whoo!

[audience cheers and applauds] Whoo! The doctor was like, [Old South accent] “You don’t have enough scabs on your face -my boy.

[audience laughs] Let me write you a prescription.”

I guess my doctor’s Foghorn Leghorn.

[audience laughs] I don’t know what that voice is. It’s the only impression I can do. [Old South accent] “What in the– I say, what in the…”

[audience laughs]

Most of my set is just…

[gurgles indistinctly]

[audience laughs] Uh… What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public you think, my man?

[audience chuckles]

Hmm? Well, what do you think, my man? Oh, shit. Hold on, my man. What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public, my man?

[audience laughing] [breathes into mic] What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public? [mumbling]

[knocking mic] Just talk to me, my man.

[audience laughs] Jesus Christ. [audience laughs] [thuds mic]

[fumbling] Guy came out of nowhere.

[audience laughs] [sighs] I think the most high I’ve ever been in public, is a tie for first place. Okay, there’s the, uh, the first time I did… MDMA… molly. [sighs]

[audience whoops] And, uh, the other time was when I went and saw the Tupac hologram at Coachella. [audience laughs] So the first time I did molly, uh, it was like ten years ago. I went to this comedy festival, and I bought a bunch of those little molly pills, and I went to see a comedy show. And I was with my buddy Carl. I gave him a pill. I took a pill, and we felt like a million dollars, right? Serotonin machine gun going off in my brain. And I felt so good, that I turned to my friend, and I go, “Dude, if we eat, like, four or five more of these little guys, [audience laughs] we’ll feel four or five times as good, my man.”

-That’s basic math, bro-bruh!

[audience laughs] So we fucking wolf down a bunch more. What a fucking mistake, because then my eyeballs started working independently, like a chameleon.

[audience laughs] Like… [blabbering] Like David Attenborough from Planet Earth started narrating my thoughts. Like, “This asshole has taken more drugs than he can handle, and now his heart will do a Slipknot drum solo.” [imitates rapidly thumping heartbeat] My eyes were doing, like, Diplo air horn sounds, just… [mimics DJ’s rapid air horn effect] [audience laughs] So I fucking panic. I ran outside, my heart’s beating out of my chest, right? And I’m like, “I’m gonna have to go to the fucking hospital.” I’m having a meltdown. And I go, “No. I got it. I’ll make myself throw up.” Or, uh… We call it, “pulling the trigger”, you know what I mean? Uh, or at least that’s what we called it in ballet class.

I don’t know what you call it, but…

[audience laughs] So I run outside… and I’m fucking slamming my finger in the back of my throat. The problem was, I had so much MDMA coursing through my veins, it wasn’t making me throw up. It just felt like I was hitting a hidden G-spot… in the back of my throat, and my uvula was like a giant clitoris.

[audience laughs]

So I was just like… [scream-vomiting]

[moans sexually]

[audience laughs]

[scream-vomiting] Oh, boink-boink! [screams euphorically]

And I’ve never cummed harder

[stool thudding] -in my entire life!

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

First and only time I have ever achieved orgasm. [audience cheers and applauds] [cheering intensifies] Thank you. Okay, and then the Tupac hologram. All right, so, check this out. So I go to Coachella. It’s weekend two. I’m fucking hyped to see this goddamn Tupac hologram. And it’s so whack, but I’m, like, caught up– I’m, like, “Oh, yeah! I can’t wait to see this Grand-Theft-Auto-4-era CGI Tupac.”

[chuckles]

[audience laughs] So I was drinking all day. We’re out in a big field, it’s late at night. Thousands of people. We’re all watching Snoop Doog and Dr. Dre on stage, right? And my friend Brian hands me, like, a big-ass Xanax bar.

Right? Like a big…

[audience laughs] fucking, like, a George Clinton horse pill, right? But Xanax is not a good party drug. It makes you black in and out of consciousness. You lose your memory. But I wasn’t thinking. So I wolf it down, and I tell my friend Brian, I was like, “Okay, hold up. I’m gonna make a pee-pee.” I go to the porta potties. I come back. My brain must have hit a Xanax black hole, because my friend Brian was like,

“Dude, where the fuck have you been?”

[audience laughs] And I go, “What are you talking about?” He’s like, “Bro, you’ve been gone for like 45 minutes. The Tupac hologram came and fucking went.

[audience laughs]

-You missed the entire fucking thing.” And I’ve never been more mad and high at the same time,

[audience laughs] and I just turned around, and I started ripping grass out of the ground, going…

[screaming] “No!

[audience laughs] [screeching] Why?!” And it was during the most mellow Snoop Dogg song… [audience laughs] of his entire set. So I was– So Snoop Dogg’s on stage, like,

♪ S-N-O-O-P… ♪
♪ Snoop-a-loop, Snoop-poop, Poop-a-scoop, Doo-ba-doo-ba-dee-doo ♪

And one by one, a sea of 1,000 people just look back at me going,

[screaming] “Bury me alive!

[audience laughs] [screeching] I don’t deserve to live!” Then I just overhear this dude rolling a blunt behind me, look back and go, “Well, I guess everybody enjoys Snoop Dogg differently.” [scoffs]

[audience laughs] [blubbering]

[audience cheers]

[groans indistinctly] Is it just me or is a thug rolling a blunt the most homoerotic sight you’ve ever seen in your entire life? Especially if they’re a little homophobic. They’re like, “Get that gay shit away from me, cuz! Anyway, where was I? [groaning indistinctly]

[audience laughs]

[moaning indistinctly] No homo.”

[blabbering]

[audience laughs]

They do this move. [gagging]

[audience laughs]

[continued gagging]

[audience laughs] “Hey, you wanna hit this Swisher?” [gagging loudly]

[frenzied] Bukkake!

[audience laughs] We have arrived at the bukkake part of the set.

[fast-tempo techno music playing]

[audience cheering]

[music stop abruptly] –

I don’t like bukkake, man. Shit’s gross. Take it easy, Tokyo. [audience laughs] Jesus Christ, what’s going on over there? You know what bukkake is, right? [mumbling] Some of you are confused. Some of you are horny. -Listen…

[audience laughs] if you don’t know, bukkake… [sighs] [audience laughs] [sighs] Well, when one woman and… ten bros love each other very much,

[audience laughing] very much…

[laughs]

[audience laughs] It’s gross, man. I can’t watch that shit, dude. It’s fucking demoralizing. I’m a feminist, okay? I watch reverse-role bukkake, [intensifying] where six to ten women squirt on a Japanese businessman’s face!

[audience cheers] [audience applauding]

I’m sorry. I’m the most progressive motherfucker on Pornhub. Capiche?

[audience laughs]

I sit down on the toilet when I pee to get in touch with my feminine side, and I take a shit in the urinal to get in touch with my masculine side.

Come on, New Orleans! [audience applauds]

[snorts]

[audience laughs] I don’t like it when people say “no homo” either. I think that’s homophobic. I think if you say something that can be misconstrued as gay, instead of being like, [nasally] “Ew, no homo. I’m not gay,” lean into it, and suck a fucking dick already. Am I right? [audience cheers] It’s 2007 or whatever. A hole’s a hole, man. We all feel like hot spaghetti in the dark. We’ve all been to prison or summer camp, right? You can’t get a dude’s butthole pregnant. [yelling] No condoms tonight! [audience laughs and cheers] One time, I was drunk at this concert, and I, uh… [laughs] was washing my hands in the bathroom, and this dude came up to me, and he goes, “Oh, shit, man. I’m a huge fan, bro.” I was like, “Thank you, man.” And he goes, “No, for real. I fucks with your show.” I was like, “Thank you, man.” And he goes, “You mind if I get a picture real quick?” I was like, “Yeah, no problem.” Took a selfie with the guy. And then, I swear to God, as he was walking away, I heard him go, “Yo…  Pshh…

[prolonged] Key and Peele!

[audience laughs] Yo, that’s Key and Peele right there, dog!

[audience laughs]

Just took a selfie with him, dog.” [audience laughs] So not only did that guy think I was Key and Peele…

[audience laughs] he thinks Key and Peele is one person. [audience laughs and applauds] First name “Keyand”… [audience laughs] last name “Peele”. [audience laughs] This other dude came up to me, I was in Brooklyn. It was like two in the afternoon. Dude came up to me on the sidewalk. And he was like, “Hey, I’m a big fan. I went and saw your live show.” Sometimes I’ll do The Eric Andre Show live and me and Hannibal will interview people on stage. And then I’ll just jump in the audience and spray ranch everywhere and beat people up. It’s basically Gallagher meets GG Allin for 45 minutes. [audience laughs] So I… [chuckles] So this kid came to one of the first tours. Came up to me, two in the afternoon in Brooklyn. He goes, “Hey. I’m a big fan. I’ve been to your live show. I don’t know how to tell you this, but… your penis has been in my mouth.”

[audience laughs]

I was like, “What?!” I was like, [loudly] “Excuse me?”

But what had happened was… [laughs]

[audience laughs] So Hannibal’s on stage, and he goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, The Eric Andre Show.” I come out from the back. Keep in mind, it’s the season one tour. So there’s only, like, nine dudes in the audience. [audience laughs] So I come out from the back, butt naked. I didn’t know what was legal– or, illegal at the time. Came out from the back, butt naked. I jumped off the front of the stage. Like, [screaming] “Yeah!” And this dude was front fucking row, like, [yelling] “No!

[audience laughing]

Ah!”

[audience laughs] Then he said for a millisecond, my entire flaccid dick was just like…

[expelling air]

[audience laughs] [laughs] It just, like, flicked the back of his tonsils. [audience laughs] And I just turned and looked at him, I was like, “Thanks for coming to the show, man!”

[audience laughs] And then we snorted a line of drywall together. [laughs] [audience laughs]

[snorting]

[audience cheers] But I think the war on drugs is bullshit, man. I think it’s a complete waste of taxpayers’ money.

[audience cheers]

Yeah. It’s done absolutely zero to curb drug addiction. It just allows cops to lock up black kids five times as much as they do white kids.

[audience cheers]

It’s racist, Nixon-era bullshit. Abolish the DEA.

[cheering continues]

Legalize all drugs in this country! Except for Salvia. That shit sucks!

[audience laughs]

-Salvia, if you don’t know, it’s this super hallucinogenic that makes you guaranteed bad trip. You go to fucking Planet Zebulon and back. [audience laughs] And, at best, you feel like you’re trapped inside of a losing game of Tetris. You’re just like, -“Ah! Here comes the purple rectangle!”

[audience laughing] But before we make Salvia illegal, this is what I want to do. I want to– You know how Jerry Seinfeld does that show, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? I wanna pitch to Netflix Comedians in Ubers Smoking Salvia. [audience laughs] So hear me out. I’ll be in the Uber, right? And the Uber driver is not in on it. It’s all hidden camera.

[audience laughs] And it’s just me and Ellen DeGeneres in the back, blowing clouds of Salvia smoke… in the Uber driver’s fucking face. He’s like, “Hey, are you the guy from 2 Broke Girls?” [screams]

[audience laughs]

[mimics bomb exploding] Five stars. [audience laughs and cheers] I think the best feeling in the world is when you get… pulled over by a cop, and you have absolutely nothing… illegal on you, right? [audience cheers] Don’t you feel like the cockiest son of a bitch in that moment? You got no… weed. You got, you know… Your tags… aren’t expired. You’re not… human trafficking, or whatever this row is into. [audience laughs] I got a lineup of school shooters in row one. You gotta see ’em. Right, man? [audience laughs] I mean, it’s fucking– I got school shooter energy over here. They all got the same look, smudgy glasses. Your name’s probably Dylan, I’m assuming.

[audience laughs] I know my people. I know my demo. [gruff] “Wait till 8chan hears about this show. [cackling] Women deny me their pleasures. [grunts] I can make an AK-47 in five minutes on a 3-D printer.

[audience laughs] Eric Andre speaks to the demons in my mind! I’m on the dark web. I’m in the subreddits. I get it. I’ll read your manifesto later. [audience laughs] Do you remember the show Cops? Did you guys ever watch the show Cops? [audience cheers] Is it just me or is reggae the most inappropriate music they could have picked…

[audience laughs] [chuckling] to open up the show Cops? You can’t slap reggae over police brutality footage… and call it a day. You can’t– That’s not an intro for a– The intro to Cops was like, [screaming] “You’re under arrest, you unarmed, innocent black teenager! Boom!”

[Jamaican accent]

♪ Jamaica man come downtown
♪ [audience laughs]
♪ Rasta boy right ♪
♪ Welcome to the island Of peace and purity ♪

[yelling] “Kiss my boots, you disenfranchised, transgender prostitute! Bam!”

♪ Jamaica is a tropical island ♪

[audience laughs]

[singing gibberish]
♪ Our national currency ♪
♪ Is the delicious coconut! ♪

[audience laughs] [gruff yelling] “This is a system invented by rich, white, Christian, heterosexual businessmen. And if you don’t match that description, [intensifying] then it is my job to subjugate and oppress you, motherfucker! For I am your judge, jury, [screeching] and executioner!

[audience cheering]

[mimics rapid gunfire] [mimics beating and shooting]

[rapid shooting continues]

[audience laughing]

♪ Under the sea Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ Under the sea ♪

[audience cheers and applauds]

[body thudding]

[cheering and applause continues]

[groans in pain] I popped a blood vessel in my asshole during that joke. Thank you.

[woman cheers]

Oh, fuck. I’m sweating like Jeff Epstein’s final moments up here. [audience laughs] Oh, fuck. [stoned voice] Jeff Epstein didn’t kill himself, man.

[audience laughs]

-Seven-eleven was an inside job, bro. Tyler Perry directed the moon landing, man. [audience laughs] I think sex work should be legal, too, man.

I think– Yeah, thank you.

[audience laughs] It’s a noble profession. Sex work! I said “sex work”!

[man] Yeah!

[woman] Yeah! It’s a noble profession. Uh…

I indulged one time. [exhales softly]

[audience laughs and cheers] I went to Amsterdam with my friend, Michelle, and she– I’d never been there before. She took me around the red-light district, and it’s totally legal, man. And the sex workers dance pretty much naked in the windows, and I thought I would have the maturity to handle an event like that,

[audience laughs] but I was walking around the red-light district like I was Beavis and Butt-head. I was just like… [cackling crudely] [audience laughs] And then my friend Michelle turned to me and she slapped 50 euros in my hand and goes, “Yo, bro, it’s your first time in Amsterdam, dog. You gotta fuck one of these chicks tonight. Boom!” She slapped 50 in my hand, and I went from Beavis and Butt-head to the most nervous, nebbishy, neurotic Sol Rosenberg Jew. I was just going up to these women like, “Uh… Excuse me, miss. Uh…

[audience laughs] [trembling] How much money is it to, uh… penetrate your vulva?

[audience laughs]

[nervously clears throat] Gulp.” So I… found a little sweetie pie. [audience laughs] And she took me upstairs to her crust punk bed, [audience laughs] and we started making the sex. I’m talking penis-in-vagina-type shit, dude. [audience cheers]

Straight missionary position, cuz.

[cheering continues]

-Regular-sized codom on, bro.

[audience whooping] Then, you know, it was pretty normal, man. I came. She farted, and, uh…

[audience laughs]

And then I went downstairs, and right when I walked outside, I saw an ATM, and I started biting my knuckle. I was like, [nervously] “Oh, for 50 more bucks, man, I could go for a round two.

[audience laughs]

Oh, fuck, man. I’m a sex addict, man. I gotta… I gotta get out of here, man. Get that ATM away from me, man!” And I rushed out of there. And then, of course, lo and behold, half an hour later, I was back in the red-light district, fucking the shit out of that ATM.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

[whooshing] Coins are spilling out and shit. So after I, uh… went to Amsterdam, I flew over to Cuba, and when I was in Cuba–

[women whoo] [clicks tongue] Yes… Dame más gasolina. Or whatever. [laughs]

[audience laughs] Uh… [chuckles] [audience laughs] So I went to Cuba, and I, um, bought this souvenir in a gift shop. And the only reason I bought this souvenir is because it is the worst English translation

[audience laughs]

I have ever come across in my entire life.

[audience laughs] First question is, what in the fuck is this thing? [audience laughs] Just off the bat. Second of all, I bought it because it reads– You tell me if this makes sense to you. [forcefully clears throat] “If you enter to our kitchen, and the she finds it dirty, it is because the one that not scrubs this, and the one that this it is not the one that scrubs, [audience laughs] and as you he won’t scrub, don’t criticize as this.”

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds and cheers]

“Don’t criticize as this.” Okay? It works in every language.

[audience laughs]

Hello? It’s universal. This was actually– This was Sammy Sosa’s acceptance speech at the MLB Hall of Fame.

[audience laughs] Yeah. Yeah. I like to think that this is the first draft of the TLC song “Scrubs”. [audience laughs] T-Boz wrote it while she had a migraine and she couldn’t get the rhythm right.

♪ I don’t want no scrubs ♪
♪ It is because the one That not scrubs this ♪
♪ And the one that this It is not the one that scrubs ♪

“Damn it! I don’t got it yet!

[audience laughs] [mouths] Fuck!”

[audience cheers and applauds]

[cheering intensifies]

Next time I have an audition for a television show or a movie, and the casting director’s like, “Yeah, feel free to bring in a scene from your favorite play,

[audience laughs] or a… or a mono– a soliloquy… or a monologue from your favorite film, I wanna bring this into the audition with me, and go, “Yeah, I’m gonna be performing this today. [audience laughs] Uh… That’s my– That’s my headshot right at the top.” [audience laughs] And then just deliver the dialogue off of this, as if it’s the dramatic performance of a lifetime. Just be like… “If you enter to our kitchen, [audience laughing] and the she finds it dirty, [laughing continues] it is because the one that not scrubs this [intensifying] and the one that this it is not the one that scrubs, [screeching] and as you he won’t scrub, [gasps for air] don’t criticize as this!” [audience cheers] And she’ll be like, “Great. You booked it. You’re a dead body on Law & Order.”

[audience laughs] -I’m like, “Yes! Nailed that shit, dawg.

[audience laughs]

[farts] Oh… Here. Thank you.” Dude, Papa John’s got fired from Papa John’s!

[audience laughs]

[mimics bomb exploding] Okay, so Papa fucking John’s was dropping the N-bomb at work like it’s 19-diggety-six. Like he’s Ty Cobb in the dugout.

[audience laughs] [scoffs] Okay, so this is what happened. So he was, like, bitching and moaning about the NFL players kneeling. And then they gave him, like, racial sensitivity… racial sensitivity training at his work. And during racial sensitivity training, he started saying the N-word like crazy. They’re like, “Dude! This is supposed to have the opposite effect, Papa!” [audience laughs] And his real defense, I swear to God, he goes, [East Coast accent] “Oh, whatever. Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word all the time.”

[audience laughs] Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word all the time? First of all, Colonel Sanders is practically fictional, okay? [audience laughs] That is the weakest defense. That’s like, [East Coast accent] “Whatever, bro. Ronald McDonald threw an egg at a synagogue one time.

[audience laughs]

Oh!” [puffs air] Leave the colonel alone. Oh, I found this out. It’s rumored that KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken, has these factory farms where they raise these genetically modified chickens with abnormally large chicken breast meat two to three times the size of a natural chicken. And these chickens spend their entire life bogged down by their own chicken breast meat, and they just waddle around in their own filth their entire existence. And I was like you guys/ when I heard that information. I was like, “Yo. We gotta go down to these factory farms, and titty-fuck these chickens, dog!

[audience laughs and cheers]

Yo! These chickens sound hot as fuck, dude!

[audience laughs] Are you kidding me? It’s like spring break, Kentucky, baby!

[blubbering]

[audience laughs] Motorboat! Wet chicken contest!”

[audience laughs] Fuck.

[audience laughs]

[woman whoos] What I think we should abolish is the federal government. Both parties are corrupt. They’re not serving us.

[audience cheers]

We should start a new country! [yelling] I should run for president! [cheering continues] So fucking old and boring, the Constitution is. We should throw that out right away. It condones slavery and prisons. Are you fucking kidding me? Get rid of the Constitution. Know how old it is? You know what the third amendment is? The third amendment is: If a soldier wants to take over your house, the third amendment protects you from a soldier commandeering your house. -Because it was written in 17-dickety-six,

[audience laughs] when there were muskets, you know what I mean? When are you ever gonna have to flex the third amendment in your real life? Like, some drunk admiral’s on your lawn… Like… [banging] “Oh, come on, bro. Let me crash on the futon tonight, my man!”

[audience laughs] You’re like, “Uh-uh, Admiral. I plead the third, motherfucker!” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “Come on, man. My battery’s on five percent, and my Uber just canceled, man.

[audience laughs] Let me at least hold the string cheese out the fridge.” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Take it up with Thomas Jefferson, bitch!” Bow!

[audience laughs] Enough with this libtarded political bullshit. Who eats ass out there? [audience cheers and applauds] Not me. Lick a toilet, sicko. That’s where poop comes from. Yuck! [audience laughs] I tried it once, all right. It tasted like a pretzel, all right? [audience laughs] It tasted like– You ever had Combos at the gas station?

[audience laughs]

[man cackles] It tasted like, and looked like, a pizza-flavored Combo. Yeah.

[laughing continues] And I did– I did it after she took a shit at the gym. So don’t harass me.

[audience oohs] I got my brown wings, sir, okay? I licked the chocolate balloon knot, all right? [audience shouting] I can’t put my dick in that thing either, man. I can’t put my dick in that asshole, ’cause it’s like a dirty crab knuckle, just suffocating the life out of my dick. [Italian accent] And the puss is-a right around the corner. What’s a-better– What’s a-even better than the puss? Eh?

[audience applauds and cheers]

What is-a even better than the puss? What’s the matter, guys? The puss is a-no good? Huh?

[audience laughs]

You don’t like-a the puss? You gotta force your dick into that fucking violent, [blowing] fucking brown circle.

[audience laughs]

Fuck. I mean, gay men don’t have much of a choice. You could try sticking it in that little pee-pee hole, but that probably hurts a lot.

Trust me.

[audience laughs] I got my asshole licked one time. Okay?

[woman whoos] And I’m gonna be honest with you, it felt a hell of a lot better than I thought it was gonna feel. I was like…

[audience laughs]

[mumbling] I actually quite enjoy– It felt like somebody was conducting an orchestra, -with a piping hot wet wipe in my asshole.

[audience laughs] [singing classical melody] [audience cheers] Okay, so here’s the story. I was dating this freaky British girl. She’s giving me a blowjob. And then she continued going down between my buttcheeks, and she started licking my asshole. And I was like, “Babe, [scoffs] that’s not gonna feel good at all–” [yells euphorically]

[audience laughs]

She started spinning me around like a Harlem Globetrotter basketball. [singing the Globetrotter theme] And then she finally came up for a breath of air, and it looked like she had Nutella just dripping off of her goatee.

[audience oohs] You wanted it. [audience laughs] A little bit about myself, I am blewish. I am black and Jewish.

[audience cheers]

Uh… Thank you. [audience applauds] My… My dad looks like Arthur Ashe, and my mom looks like Howard Stern.

[audience laughs] And that is why I look like Ernie from Sesame Street. [audience laughs] [lazily] My parents done fucked, bro. My parents done– My dad is from Haiti, and my mom is from Manhattan. Guess which one’s the Jew?

[audience laughs]

And, uh… My dad just found out what Google is a few weeks ago. Can I tell you how fucking old school and fresh off the boat my father is? He’s like… [Haitian accent] “Oh-oh, now they have Google?

[squealing] Whoo!

[audience laughs] You can type one word in Google, bloop-bloop, one million words come up!”

[audience laughs]

I can’t do my dad’s voice. I’m sorry. I sound like the fucking lion king. I’m sorry. But, man, uh… yeah, my parents fucked, okay? -My parents…

[audience laughs]

My parents fucked. Everyone in here, your parents fucked.

[audience laughs]

Your parents– Everybody, let’s do a meditation. Close your eyes and picture– Imagine your parents, your dad, balls deep…

[audience groans]

…and finishing in your mom. ‘Cause that’s what happened. You can moan and groan all you want. But you wouldn’t be here, you little shits, if your dad didn’t fucking… ka-splooge… -explode his Spider-Man DNA web  into your long-suffering mom’s vulva, who wasn’t bothering anybody. She was just playing Sudoku, she was eating cantaloupe.

[audience laughs] Your fucking disgusting, horny dad just came in… You gotta admit it, right? Fact of life. Your dad had sex with your mom. Your mom went down on your dad. [audience laughs] Your dad went down on your mom.

[audience laughs]

And then your dad put on that leather gimp mask and he lied under a glass coffee table. Your mom took a big shit over it, and then five months later, you were born. Okay?

[audience cheers]

I’m assuming he’s a premie, I don’t know.

[audience applauds] He has premature energy. I don’t know. Has anybody walked in on their parents having sex? Anybody walked in on their parents having– Show of hands if you walked in on your parents

[man whoos] -havin’ the sex.

[audience members murmuring]

This guy. What happened? [man speaking indistinctly] Wait, hold on. This guy’s got a story to tell. Can we give him a microphone?

[audience cheers] -Please. Let’s give this guy a microphone. He’s got a story to tell. He will not be silenced. He is living his truth. [audience cheers] What happened, my man?

-Well, I was– -Tell me the sexy little details. [audience laughs] I was standing in the doorway. I was really young. -They didn’t see me. -Wait. How long ago? Was this two weeks ago, or like…?

[audience laughs] -No, no. I was young. I was like… five. Why did you go in there? I just woke up in the middle of the night, like… -I was going into– -Were you for sure they were doing it? -Yeah. -Were you just, like, crying? Mascara’s just pouring down your eyes or…? [stammers] I just stood there. I was like… Uh… -Did you ever bring it up to them? -No. This is first time– You just suppressed -all this trauma. -Yes. -You never processed it.

[chuckles] Well, I got good news for you. -because your parents are actually here!

[audience cheers] Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson! Come on out! His parents are here! He’s gonna process all his trauma! Give it up for his parents, everybody!

[cheering continues] -They’re here. Yes! They are finally gonna close the loop. Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much.

[audience shouting] -Holy shit! [audience screaming and cheering] [audience laughs] Holy shit. He hasn’t watched this since he was five. We gotta close the loop. [shouting continues] [laughing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh… It’s this for, like, 45 minutes, guys.

[audience members whooping]

[Eric laughs] [laughing] Okay. Okay. Okay. Wow. All right. All right, I think that’s enough. -I think we’ve all… seen enough.

[audience cheering] -Thank you.

[audience applauds] Thank you to your parents. God bless ’em. I’m a cashew, actually. I’m Catholic and Jewish. [audience laughs] But I’m neither. I don’t believe in any of that shit, man. I love being a Jew. I love– [stammers] I fucking– I love being a Jew. -I’m proud of it.

[audience applauds] Long lineage. Sigmund Freud. -Larry David. I love all that shit.

[audience laughs] I just don’t wear the hat or read the book. [chuckles] ‘Cause I don’t know if you ever cracked open the Torah, but it’s a little bit out of date. It’s like, [anxious] “Don’t eat shrimp. It gave Joshua a stomachache.” [audience laughs] You can cut the tip of my dick off, but I can’t go to Red Lobster? [audience laughs] And I don’t know the story of Jesus. It’s always confused me. I tried to chase it and figure it out. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Okay, so Jesus was a carpenter, right? So, he flipped houses and renovated bathrooms and shit. [audience laughs] And he also did miracles, which aren’t a real thing. So I guess he did magic tricks. So this guy is like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, -meets Criss Angel, right?

[audience laughs] He’s like, “Do you want some water, or… [buzzing] Pinot Grigio?”

[audience laughs] And a bunch of desert drifter illiterates were just like… [frenzied] “Whoa!” [audience laughs] I kicked off this tour in Europe, and I went– I did great drugs, and we went to these fucking crazy sex clubs. And they’re not fucking pent up or weird about anything. And I come back here, and Americans are so fucking buttoned-up, man. You can’t show a nipple on Instagram. You can’t smoke a joint in Texas. And the reason we got like this, is because we were founded by the pilgrims. And the pilgrims were the worst, -bummer, buzzkill narcs of Europe.

[audience laughs] And they thought western Europe was Sodom and Gomorra, and that God was gonna strike it down with his laser beam eyeballs. So, they all hopped on the Mayflower in 1620, and they moved to Plymouth, Massachusetts to start a Calvinist theocracy. And Calvin, John Calvin, their spiritual forefather, their fucking Yoda, the founder of Calvinism, was this uber-Christian, shriveled up, dower, murderous French clergyman, who would have his– He was like the original incel, -this guy, okay?

[audience laughs] And he would have his fucking critics tortured and murdered. He had his stepson and daughter-in-law killed for premarital sex. And he fucking– He would drown single pregnant women alive if he found out that they were with child, and they weren’t married. This guy is the guy that continues to shape all of our morals and all of our politics from beyond the grave. So I beg of you, if you’re ever in Plymouth, Massachusetts, please, fill up up your Diva Cups with your pagan, Wiccan, -satanic period blood,

[audience cheers] -splash it all over Plymouth Rock.

[cheering continues] Hop in an airplane. Go to Geneva, Switzerland where John Calvin’s buried, and have bottomless, unprotected anal sex

[audience cheers] -on that motherfucker’s tombstone. Cancel John Calvin. -It is your civic fucking duty!

[audience applauds]

Yes.

[cheering continues] Thank you. You know what I believe in? Live, laugh, love. [audience laughs] I went back to Florida recently, and I visited my parents. [men whoo] And, uh… I text messaged this girl, Jessie, that I used to hook up with back in the day, right when I got to Florida. -I texted her, “Come over.” [chuckles]

[audience laughs] ‘Cause I’m a real romantic Casanova motherfucker that cuts straight to the chase. [gruff] “Come over!” And, uh… she didn’t respond to that crass text. So, my follow-up text was 10,000 times worse. I go, [nasally] “Are you mad at me?”

[audience laughs] -It’s the lamest, neediest– [aggressively] “Come over!” [nasally] “Are you mad at me?”

[audience laughs]

[clicks tongue] And then, a few minutes later, she very politely wrote back, “No. Sorry. I’m in Colorado with my boyfriend.” No big deal. I didn’t know she was in Colorado. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend. Pretty benign conversation, right? Or so I thought, because then I got a text from a number I do not know. -Okay, check this out.

[audience oohs] So, [chuckles] this guy writes– He goes, “Hi!” And I go, “Who is this?” [audience laughs] And they go, “Are you a comedian?” -And I’m like, “Yes.” [laughs]

[audience laughs] Another fan besides my mom. [audience laughs] And then they go, “I’m Kevin, Jessie’s boyfriend.” Ruh-roh!

[audience oohs] And I swear I’m not making this up. I’ll fucking screen grab and air drop every one of you. -I don’t care how long it takes.

[audience laughs] “I’m Kevin, Jessie’s boyfriend. I got a joke for ya. This guy keeps bothering my girlfriend, to the point where I get involved. Wanna know the punchline? Keep it up, you’ll find out.” [audience laughs] [groans nasally] Gulp. [stammers] And the texts are coming through green, so you know he’s a suss motherfucker. [audience laughs and applauds] Looking at you, Android users. [audience laughs] So, I just write him back, “Uh… What are you, dude? A bad guy from an 80’s spring break movie?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause who in the fuck talks like that, a South Park villain? [gruff] “See you on the K12, Jarsh.” [audience laughs] So let me plug– Wait. Do we got the dongle? Is the dongle here? Okay. All right, check this out. All right, let’s bring this out. Can we bring out the screen? [hums]

[audience laughing]

[humming continues] So I go, “What are you, a bad guy from an 80’s spring break movie?” And look at this guy’s response. [whining]

[audience laughs] -Uh-oh. Five paragraph essay. “Eric, I’m normally a pretty civil guy.”

[clears throat]

[audience laughs] “You asking my girlfriend to come over, that’s funny. We can go back and forth, but I’d rather not waste my time. Leave Jessie alone. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. ‘Cause you’re not her friend, just a one hit wonder from her past.; [audience laughs and oohs] I’m willing to just forget everything, including your name, number, et cetera. Let’s end this, dot, dot, dot, now.” [audience laughs] So, I just wrote back, “Dot, dot, dot,

[gruff] or else.”

[audience laughs] I was like, “Hey, man. Where you texting me from, the Cobra Kai dojo?” [audience laughs] Fucking-A, this guy. [laughs] So, let me get– “You’re just a one hit wonder from her past.” Doesn’t make sense in that context. “I’m sick of my girlfriend -fucking all these one hit wonders, man!

[audience laughs] [yelling] She fucked you! She fucked Chumbawamba! I’ve had enough!” [audience laughs] So anyway, five minutes later, I texted the girl back, -“Come over.”

[audience laughs] I’ve been doing this ongoing prank to my mom. This text message prank to my mom. I call it “auto-fill roulette”. You know, like– You know when you’re sending a text and the three little words come up? If you press those words willy-nilly, it makes this, like, crazy, run-on Mad Libs sentence. And if you text that shit to your mom, it drives her fucking nuts!

[audience laughs] -So I was wondering– It’s not too late. Is there anybody’s mom who’s awake right now? We can get a few moms going uh, that we can do this text message prank to. Is that cool with you guys?

[audience cheers] -Okay, hand your phone to Joe. How are we gonna do this? Come on up. We’ll figure it out. Yes. Okay. Yes. Perfect. Yes. Oh, okay. Great. All right. I won’t say anything that the phone doesn’t say, okay? I’m only gonna say shit– Perfect!

[audience laughs] -“How long… do you have?” [audience laughs] That’s my mom! It’s the phone. It’s not me. “Zero stars for a… good -night.”

[audience laughs] Fuck it. “Probably my mom and… her… sister… and her… daughter… in the… shower.”

[audience laughs and cheers] -It’s not me. -Take it up with Apple.

[audience applauds] Take it up with Apple. “Thank y’all for… being such a… -bitch.”

[audience laughs] It’s your phone. You shouldn’t write “bitch” so much if you didn’t want this to happen. What do you think? You think your mom’s like, “What the fuck is going on,” or is she just watching Dateline– Oh!

[audience oohs] -Oh, here we go! -“Are you okay?”

[audience laughs] -“No.

[audience laughs] No, ma’am.”

[chuckles]

[audience laughs] [phone rings]

Oh!

[audience oohs]

Oh, shit.

[audience shouting]

[ringing continues]

Should I answer it?

[audience cheers] [phone chimes] What’s up, Mom? Say hi to New Orleans.

[audience cheers]

[mom] Oh, no! This is crazy.

You woke me up.

You’re on my Netflix special. Oh, you’re kidding me. Yeah. Nice to meet you. I’m “Keyand” Peele.

[audience laughs]

I know who you are. Oh, my God. How did you get my number?

I stole–

[audience laughs]

I stole your son’s phone when they arrested him.

[audience laughs]

Oh, my gosh. Just send me 20,000 in bitcoin if you wanna see him alive.

[audience laughs]

[mom laughs] You on the dark web? You in the subreddits?

[audience laughs]

I’m in my pajamas.

I can’t do anything right now.

Me too!

[audience laughs]

[mom laughs] What’s your address? I’m in New York. You seem chill. What’s your credit card number? [audience laughs] Oh, I’ll get it out. Hold on one second. [credit card rustles] Here. -Oh, that–

[audience shouting]

Oh, shit. You got the Amex corporate? I’m taking the private jet up there. I’ll be there in 30 minutes. Is your husband right there? He’s downstairs. I told you– Wake his ass up.

[audience laughs]

Oh, my God. Grab your Diva cup. We’re going to Plymouth Rock.

[mom giggles]

[audience cheers and applauds] [cheering intensifies]

How– How is your mother? My mom’s great. Yeah? What’s she up to tonight? I don’t know about tonight, but I– I, uh… I got her to smoke pot with me. She’s 73.

[audience shouts]

Really? Yeah. She blazed the chronic. Why don’t you guys come over here?

[audience oohs and cheers] You know what? I’ll show you. I think I have something you might like.

[audience oohs and laughs]

I got some edibles. -Oh!

[audience cheers] This mom’s trippy, bro! [audience applauds] This mom’s sick. I haven’t opened them yet. What’s that? I haven’t opened them yet. Eat the whole thing.

[audience laughs and cheers]

[all shouting]

Do it!

[chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! -Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

[Eric cackling] You wanna say “Goodbye, America”? You’re in my Netflix special. Say, “Good night, America.” Good night, America!

[audience cheers and applauds]

[“3rd Ward Bounce” playing]

[yelling] Good night, America!;

[cheering continues] [audience screams]

[Big Freedia rapping faintly in song]

[cheering fades]

[Big Freedia continues rapping]

♪ Third Ward Bounce Make them hoes count ♪

Quack.

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