Mark Normand: One minute.
Amy Schumer: Mark, listen. I know exactly what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, this is my first hour special and I’m freaking out and I don’t deserve it. And you’re thinking you’re not funny enough and that you’re not good-looking enough for television. And just– you need to quiet all of those thoughts. You have every right to be here. And it’s not just that I’m producing it for you that they let you do it. And, yeah, you’re just average height and weight and… very forgettable-looking, but it’s not about that. It’s about comedy. Tonight’s about jokes. Jokes that aren’t good enough that you’re about to tell. But I don’t want you to think about any of that right now. Don’t let anything get in the way up here. ‘Cause you are better than everyone says you are. Now, you’re just gonna go out there and kill it. What are you gonna do? Save your voice. Okay. You’re gonna be so good. Uhh! I don’t regret this. I didn’t try to back out. Okay.
[door closes]
[cheers and applause]
Amy Schumer: Me! It’s me! What a great crowd! Yes! Thank you, guys, so much for coming. Welcome to one of the best nights of your goddamned life, okay? Welcome. We’re gonna have so much fun tonight. I am so proud to welcome to the stage one of my favorite all-time comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Mark Normand!
[cheers and applause]
♪♪
Thanks. Thank you. Get out of here. Hey. All right. How you doing? Yeah, all right. Jesus Christ, thanks. Thanks for coming, huh? Yes, uh, I feel bad, this is such a big event, I’m a little hung over. Isn’t that amazing, you know, we still can’t prevent a hangover. We’ve all this medical research. I’ve tried the water, I’ve tried the pills. Nothing works. We can prevent children.
[laughter]
Right? We can’t prevent a hangover, you know? At least some people want kids. I’ve never woken up like, whoo, I am really hung over, but you know what? I think I want to keep it.
[laughter]
Yeah, I gotta cut back on the sauce, man. I blacked out last week. That’s embarrassing. I’m too old for that. I told my roommate, he’s like, “Ooh, you blacked out, ugh.” “That means you forgot to brush your teeth last night.” I was like, wow, that is the least of my worries. Yeah. I’m more concerned with the lipstick I’m wearing and why I sent my mom a dick pic. Yeah, she was like, oh, family plan.
[laughter]
These hangover, you know, people always talk about how honest you are when you’re drunk. You hear that a lot. Got that guy drunk, he’ll tell you anything. I feel like I’m way more honest when I’m hung over. When I’m drunk, I can lie all day. Cops like, “You been drinking?” I’m like, “No way, aah.” When I’m hung over, that’s when I’m honest. My life’s in shambles, I have nothing to live for, yeah? Yeah, your friend’s like, “You wanna get brunch?” You’re like, uhh. I’ve never liked you.
[laughter]
Everything’s a lie when you’re drunk, you know? You’re like, hey, it’s the best night ever, these are my good friends and she’s super hot. Then you wake up, like, aw, it’s a waste of time, I spent too much money and that’s a dude.
[laughter]
Yeah. I don’t know, I guess I’m an alcoholic. You know? If I’m gonna be addicted to any drug, though, I’m glad it’s alcohol, you know? Just so easy to get. Right? Yeah, it’s crazy, like… I think that’s why alcohol’s the only drug you pour out for dead friends. You know? Yeah.
[laughter]
You would never do that with, like, cocaine, you know? You’re like, well, we should pour a little— whoa, whoa, we all love Greg, but that shit’s expensive, all right? Take it easy.
[cheering and applause]
See, I drink a lot, but I still get my, uh, my stuff done, you know? I’m what you’d call a functioning alcoholic. Any functioning alcoholics here?
[cheering]
Yeah, all right. Yeah, hey. Yeah. We get a bad rap, huh? Why is it a negative term, right? We’re actually harder at working than everyone else, you know? We’re doing the same stuff you’re doing… drunk. All right? Where’s our parade? What, Bob showed up to work on time. Screw Bob. I slept here.
[laughter]
We’re tough, we don’t bitch. Susie didn’t show up because she has the flu. Well, I have disease and I’m keeping it a secret. All right. Where’s my plaque, huh? Yeah. I don’t know. Hmm…
Yeah. I was hung over on a flight the other day. That’s the worst. Ooh. Flight hung over. Oh, God. I hate flying. That’s the only part of this job I hate. I like a train. Give me an Amtrak any day. No bag check, no security. It’s almost like they’ve never heard of a terrorist. Yeah, all right? Aww.
I hate flying. Flying is so high-maintenance. Flying’s got high-maintenance girl. Like, you want to get inside me, you get here an hour early, take your shoes off and do a body scan. You’re like, Jesus Christ. Good Lord. Not a train. A train’s like a drunk chick. Like, get a beer, get in here!
[Native American whooping]
No security on a train whatsoever. You could walk on a train with three suitcases full of cocaine, like, hey, if you see something, say something. Choo choo!
This is how sad and desperate trains are: trains don’t ask to see your ticket until the train has left the station, right? They’ve already started moving and then they ask. How much of a fuck could they really give? “Tickets, please.” “I don’t have one.” “Well, you gotta buy one now.” “I don’t have any money.” “We’ll figure it out.” “All right. Yeah.” “Enjoy Newark. All right, yeah.”
I just hate flying. They’ve ruined it. It’s so nerve-racking. Every flight’s an anxiety attack, you know? Every time I have a flight, I feel like it’s my first day of class all over again. I’m eight years old, I’m back at school, you know? You’re on that plane, single-file line, book bag on, just trying to find your seat, you know? Then you finally get your seat, people pull out snacks and start farting. Right? Yeah? Right? And the flight attendant, she’s terrifying. She’s like the teacher, you know? She’s kind of hovering, she’s nerve– she scares you. As she walks by, you hide your phone, pretend like you’re reading. Now she gives you a lecture: hey, seat, belt, seat belt, you know? And the pilot, he’s like the principal. He’s up in his office, comes on the loudspeaker, you know? Right? You don’t really want to meet him, but you know if you do, you’re in trouble.
[laughter]
Right? All right? And you’re like, all right, I gotta pee. You can’t pee now. I’m 32 years old. It’s not pee time. Sit down! Jesus Christ. Good lord. Now you’re pissed. Now you’re just waiting it out. Oh, my God. Just like class. How much longer, how much longer. Jesus Christ, you’re counting the minutes. Then the plane lands, the bell rings, you grab your stuff, you fight your way through the building, you find your mum, she drives you home. Ohh. Oh, jeez, oh, come on.
[cheering and applause]
All right, hey.
Love a train. The only flaw of a train, though– If you fall asleep on a train, they just keep going, you know? They don’t know where you live and they don’t care. Right? Every time I wake up on a train, I look like a rufie victim. I’m like, where are we? Who is he? I trusted you.
[laughter]
It’s so dramatic. Like, you miss your stop on a bus or a subway, you walk a couple of extra blocks. You miss your stop on a train, you get out and you’re like, well, I guess this is my new life. Yeah, right. I don’t know. That’s just me, though. I worry about everything. I got really bad anxiety. Horrible anxiety, riddled with anxiety. I live in the city, I don’t have a car. I just walk around everywhere. Uh… You guys ever do this one? You guys ever leave the house without headphones. Whoo! Thoughts are not good.
[laughter]
My God, this whole time, I thought I loved music. Turns out I just hate my brain. Just being attacked all day long with this insecurity playlist on shuffle. Aah! What are you doing with your life? You drink too much. Gonna die alone. You call that a penis? Aah! Oh, bad head. My brain is evil. Like, attacks me. It’s like a bully, you know? I’ll be at a party, hanging out, everybody’s having a good time, talking. My brain’s like, hey, you weirdo. You’re being too quiet. Everybody’s wondering why you’re such a quiet weirdo. Come on. Get in there, say something, you lunatic. Come on, you freak. Jump in, you psycho. Come on, get in there. You finally say something, your brain goes, “Whoo… that’s what you picked?” Aah. Shut up, dummy. Damn it. My brain never stops. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a horrible sleeper. That’s why I hate these bed commercials you see at 4:00 a.m. Hey, you can’t sleep. Well, how comfortable is your mattress? What’s your sleep number? How’s your firmness? You think lack of comfort’s what’s keeping me up at night and that’s the problem, really? Ha! It’s this goddamned Japanese game show I got going up here, all right? Yeah, it’s the worry, the anxiety, the dread. I don’t need a mattress designed by NASA, I need a Xanax and some self-esteem, all right? Come on. Comfort, pfft, I could sleep on a gravel road if I had a good childhood. All right? Come on. Yeah. Brain never stops. That’s why I never got these guys, it’s like, hey, I’m going to bed. I’m like, what do you mean going to bed? I gotta pass out. I can’t just go to bed, all right? What, are you cra– You want me to lay alone in a room in the dark in my underwear? That’s what screwed me up in the first place.
[laughter]
[applause]
Yeah. Brutal. Yeah, I’m an awkward guy, very awkward. Can’t make eye contact with people. See? That was tough. Yeah. I’m working on it. It’s too intense, too intimate. I don’t know how you people do this, you know? It’s like a sign of respect to look someone in the eye. That blows my mind. It’s too much. Can’t do it. Every time I look someone in the eye, I’m like, well, I guess we’re in love now.
[laughter]
I feel too much. I’m a feely guy. Everything makes me uncomfortable. Certain words are hard to say. It makes me feel too weird. “I love you.” Ugh, that’s tough, huh? Whoo! I can’t say that. I can barely say “croissant.” Ugh. What a horrible word. So pretentious. Good Lord, I can barely order one. They look amazing. I’m like, “I’ll take a… muffin, screw it.” Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Socially awkward, you know? I know I’m socially awkward because I asked my friend what his biggest fear was. He said losing his child. He said, “What’s your biggest fear, Mark?” I said, “Uh… accidently hitting the FaceTime button on my phone.”
[laughter]
Is there a more terrifying moment in life than that? I can’t have people see me. I’m not ready. I got weird stuff going on in my room, you know? Yeah, I’m eating tuna out of a can, I got half a boner an old yearbook open. It’s weird. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Too much. I’m an introvert. Any introverts here?
[cheering]
Hey, all right. You guys rarely speak up. Yeah. Not fun being an introvert, you know? You just gotta get out there and fake it. Yeah. Hard around people. Most people like being around people. For us, it’s like… it’s work, it’s tough. Like, this is an introvert’s biggest fear right here. You’re hanging out with some guy you don’t really know, you’re like, “All right, man, good hanging out.” “I’m gonna take the train home.” This guy goes, “Oh, yeah, what train you taking?”
[laughter]
“Uh… I was gonna take the number six.” “Hey, me, too.” Fuck!
[laughter]
Damn it. Back on the clock. Tough to be around people. Day jobs. I don’t know how you guys do it. Nine to five, eight hours with this group. Then 5:00 rolls around, some guy goes, “Hey, we should all get drinks.” What, are you nuts? You want to hang out more? We’re done, we did it. We’re outside the walls, let’s go home. That’s not happy hour, that’s unpaid overtime.
[laughter]
Yeah, we like being alone, we do. You’re ever out to eat with the guys, “Hey, look at that dude sitting by himself.” You’re like, I know… [whistles] …living the dream. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It’s just that weird brain I got. Like, I want you guys to like me, but I’m scared of you. You bum me out but I need your love. Basically, what I’m saying is if you have a party, I don’t want to go, but if you don’t invite me, I’ll kill myself.
[laughter]
This is where I’m at. Up here, yeah. And if you don’t get these jokes, just know your life is… better than mine. I know what you guys are thinking. Come on, Mark, introvert. Talking in front of 400 people right now. Well, it’s pretty simple. This is a one-sided conversation that’s been prewritten and rehearsed over and over. And if you guys talk, you get thrown out. I can’t lose. You guys are the real heroes. You guys are the ones who just walk in your office break rooms, just bee bopping and scatting off the cuff, no net, you know? You walk in like, “Hey, Bob, how was your weekend?” I’m like, oh, it was good. How’d you know to say that? Holy hell. What’d you take an improv class? You’re like Miles Davis over here. Holy moly. Wow. Not me. I gotta prep for everything. Everything’s prepped. I see the break room 20 feet away, I’m like, all right, how you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? Then I get in there and I panic. [stammering] Jews! Aw, fuck! God damn it! Aw! God damn it.
Ugh, man. I’ve always been like this, and thank God for humor. Jesus Christ, you can get away with it. I remember one time, I was at a friend’s house for dinner and the dad goes, “Let’s all go around the table, say what we’re thankful for.” And one son was like, “Well, we’re thankful for the food on the table.” And one son was like, “Well, we’re thankful for the roof over our head.” And they’re like, “But what are you thankful for, Mark?” I was like, “Well, honestly, I’m thankful I’m not attracted to kids.” Huh? Wouldn’t that suck? Be a horrible life, you know? And everybody there was like, whoa! What the hell was that? Holy Jesus! Good Lord! And I didn’t get it. I was like, wait, why are you mad? I’m saying I’m not attracted. Not attracted. Not into them. What’s the problem? Then I got pissed, I was like, screw you guys. I’m the only one here clearly not a pedophile.
[laughter]
I don’t know, I think, uh… you know, you can’t be yourself all the time. That’s the problem. Especially, like, with girls and stuff. That gets ugly. The way you say what you’re thinking with a lady, that’ll put that right to bed, you know? Yeah, like, I remember one time, I was on a date with a girl, going pretty well, went back to her place, I take out a condom, she goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa… where’d you get that thing?” I was like, “Well, they were free at the bar.” She was like, “Ugh! That’s gross.” I was like, well… that’s where I got you.
[laughter and applause]
The girl at the bar, got the… I don’t get why that’s… Still… still not sure why that’s offensive. Yeah. There’s a lot of dating sites out there now. I think guys like the dating sites ’cause it’s tough to approach a woman. Cold, out of nowhere, especially when you’re doing this. Uh-huh. Tough! It’s a tough move. It’s why I feel like women should hit on men more. Hit on us, ladies. You can say whatever you want to a guy. I had an old lady approach me once, she goes, “Ooh, I’m gonna kidnap you.” I was like, wow, I could never say that to a woman. Oh. I said it to a lady, she calls the police. I would be curious to know what a woman could say that would offend me. Like, all right, I’m gonna take you home, drug you, take advantage of you and film it. I’d be like, all right, well, at least let me pay for the Uber.
[laughter]
I don’t know. I’m… I’m just jealous of you gals, you know? You have options. You have the freedom to say no. If a girl goes on a date with a guy and this guy takes out his Nazi memorabilia, she’s like, I get the hell out of here. If I go on a date with a girl and she takes out her Nazi memorabilia, I’m like, I gotta bang her and get the hell out of here.
[laughter]
Could be a long winter. You gotta stock up, you know? But you ladies are so sexy, you drive me crazy. Aw, you’re so hot. I just want to squeeze you. You’re so sexy with your wacky labia. I love it, aah.
[laughter]
This is how sexy girls are. I was having dinner once, this girl leans over during the meal and goes, “Hey… I’m not wearing any underwear.” It’s like, oh, my God, that’s hot. Then I realize, why is that sexy? Has underwear ever been a huge obstacle for a guy? Has any guy ever taken a girl’s jeans off and seen panties and been like, ooh! It’s gonna be a long night. Put a pot of coffee on, I can’t crack that code.
[laughter]
But that’s how hot you are, gals. You can tell by the article of clothing you’re not wearing. I can’t even see it missing, I’m already turned on. Doesn’t work for a guy. I can’t pull that off. I lean over during dinner, “Hey… I’m not wearing any underwear.” She’s gonna go, “Uh-oh… what happened?”
[laughter and applause]
“Laundry day, diarrhea, need a wet wipe?” “Talk to me.” I don’t know. Just tough to date now, you know? We have no patience anymore. We want everything immediately now. We want everything quick. We want Uber, Tinder, Netflix. Everything’s so quick now. They only thing we don’t want quick is sex. When’s that gonna catch up.
[laughter]
I was with a girl the other night, I finished kind of early, she’s like, “Hey, what’s going on here?” I was like, “Well, these are the times we’re living in.”
[laughter]
Come on. I don’t have the patience for your vagina to be buffering. Let’s go! You’re an analog girl in a digital world, sister. Pick it up! Yeah. Yeah, everything’s different now, you know? Like one time, I sat down with a girl, she goes– Just met her, she goes, “You don’t send dick pics, do you?” I was like, “No, no.” She’s like, “Good, dicks are gross.”
[laughter]
I was like, well, shit, that… that’s all I got. That was gonna be, like, my big reveal. So what the hell you doing here, you don’t like dicks? You hear that a lot from girls. Dicks are gross, dicks are gross. It’s weird to think something’s gross they’ll eventually put inside you. I don’t get that thought process. Like, I think coconut’s gross. If you see me eating one, you’re like, “What are you doing?” I’m not like, “It was charming.”
[laughter]
I’m not a real dick pic kind of guy, you know? You know, I don’t know if my dick is impressive enough to register well on a phone, you know? My dick’s like an indie band. You gotta see it live. All right. You gotta be in the room to really understand it. Well, I was in a relationship for like 11 years, uh, yeah, now I’m out there, scared alone, flaccid. All right? Yeah. I had to learn all the tricks of the trade again. I learned everything the hard way, you know? It’s tough. Yeah. Like, I learned that girls, they don’t like it when the guy says the word “sex” on a date. It’s like saying “bomb” at the airport. The whole thing shuts down, right? Well, we all like sex. It feels good, but can’t bring it up. The only way to get the thing you want is to pretend you don’t want it. That’s weird behavior. What if job interviews are like that? So, Mark, why do you want to work here? [blows] Who says I want to work here?
[laughter]
I’m just hanging out, taking it easy, yeah. All right. Yeah. I was on a date once, I was like, I’m just gonna go for it and I go, “Hey, you want to make out?” This girl goes, “Ugh, grow up.” I was like, “Okay.” “Anal?”
[laughter]
That’s older, right? Yeah. I can’t even imagine what that’s like, dating dudes. Whew. God, that’s gotta be awful. You could get murdered, could have a soul patch. Ugh, yeah, God. Crazy, yeah. It’s gotta be tough, but although women can say stuff men can never say, you know? Yeah, like, uh… one time I was eating dinner with a girl, I was telling a story, she cut me off mid-story. She goes, “You know what I like in a guy? I like a strong, silent type.” I was like, what? Can you imagine if a guy said that? “What do you look for in a woman?” [exhales] “Silence.”
[laughter]
I like a woman who’s tough and shuts the hell up. Get kicked out of society. I don’t know, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m screwed up sexually, you know? I caught my parents having sex when I was eight… 21 and today. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the idea of your parents having sex is so horrifying, isn’t it, you know? That’s why I’m surprised parents don’t use that as a threat.
[laughter]
Eh? Wouldn’t that be so effective? Like, “Hey, Timmy, better clean that room.” “Me and your mom are gonna go at it.”
[laughter]
“How’d you do on that math test, Billy?” “I got a D.” “I’ll show you some D.” “Hey! No!”
[laughter and applause]
Yeah, it’s tough out there. I’m seeing somebody now, but, boy, single life, yeah, that’s the real deal, you know? People are so condescending to single people. They go, “You’re single? Aww.” “Don’t you get lonely?” Like, well, sure, but how come we always assume loneliness is worse than a relationship? I feel like loneliness is a lot easier to manage, it’s definitely easy to get out of. You get lonely, call a friend, go to a movie. If you’re in a bad relationship, you’re like, well, I guess I gotta kill her.
[laughter]
Or him, or him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My ex… she was tough. My ex was like a real big feminist. I’m a feminist, but she was like… annoying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She would always say stuff like, “Men just judge women by their looks.” “It’s all about our looks. What about our achievements?” Which is true. Men do do that. But, ladies, you do it, too. We all judge women. All right. All right, like one time, she caught me flirting with another girl, and she was like, “What does she look like?” That was the first question. I was like, “Whoa. What about her achievements?”
[laughter]
Come on. She’s a human being, God damn it. When you’re single, though, you miss love. It’s nice to have love. It’s nice to have someone love you. That’s nice. But that’s the thing. We all want the love, but nobody wants to do the work. Just want the love part. You know? It’s kind of like a dog walker. We all love our dog, but you pay somebody to do the stuff you don’t want to do. Pick up the poop, walk it. Wouldn’t it be great to have a girlfriend walker? Just some guy on the sidewalk with eight girlfriends on a leash, like, “All right, tell me about your day.”
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Yeah. Get mad about a dream you had. Ask me some hypothetical about you gaining weight. Cry now, cry now. Then you get your girlfriend back, like, “Did she cry?” “It took a while, but she cried.”
[laughter]
Yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot of women hate that joke, which is how you know it’s real.
[laughter]
I don’t know, maybe I’m just, uh, I’m being bitter, you know? My last girlfriend dumped me, said I wasn’t manly enough for her, I’m not a manly guy. [whistles] That one hurt. I didn’t know women were allowed to say stuff like that. Like how come a woman can say something like, “Yeah, that guy was good with his hands, he can fix stuff around the house”? And you’re like, “All right, cool.” But if a guy says, “Hey, I like a woman who can cook,” people go, “Whoa, whoa, it’s not the 50s.” Well, how come her job for me’s okay but my job for her’s not okay? Also, who doesn’t like somebody who can fix stuff around the house? I’d love to come home and my girlfriend’s like, “Hey, I built us a deck.”
[laughter]
“All right, hell, yeah. I’ll do laundry.” See, I think women are just so smart ’cause you guys made your gender roles offensive. Yeah, that was very clever.
[laughter]
Well played, ladies. Well played. Guys, how great would that be if we get offended? Your girlfriend wakes you at 4:00 a.m.. “I heard glass shattering, somebody break in?” You’re like, “Well, it’s not the 50s, go check it out.”
[laughter]
Yeah. I will say this. I’m sick of good-looking people. I’m done with you, men and women. You think everything you say is interesting. You never had it tough, you know? I went on a date with a girl once, she was gorgeous, way out of my league, beautiful woman. But she had nothing to say, she was boring. She had no personality. And I checked out at one point. She goes, “Look, I can tell you don’t like me and just want to sleep with me.” I was like, “Well, yeah, but that’s your fault.” She was like, “Screw you, I’m more than just a pretty face.” I’m like, “Yeah, but that’s all you worked on.” Right? Hours on your hair, makeup, outfit. Get a goddamned knock-knock joke together.
[laughter]
I don’t get these good-looking people. They spend 100% of their time on looks, zero on their personality. It’s just assumed that part’s amazing. Why wouldn’t you work on that, too? All right? Before a date, everybody goes, “How do I look?” No one ever goes, “Am I annoying?” Huh? Huh? Isn’t that more important, you know, like… that’s what you got to worry about. Like, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date, I’m writing jokes in my hand, limericks, anecdotes. I’m bringing it, baby. I’m tap dancing out there, you know?
[laughter and applause]
Hey. Yeah. Come on, I’m working it. Like, if a girl told me, “Mark, you’re funny, but you’re not that hot,” I’d be like, “I know. That’s why I’m funny.”
[laughter]
You gotta fill in the gaps here, you know? I’m not one of these guys that’s full of shit, like, looks don’t matter, it’s all about the inside that counts. Aw, shut up, come on. We all want to be found attractive. We all want to be with someone we find attractive. I hate when people lie about that. I was at a party once, I was like, “Aw, that Caitlyn Jenner, she’s kind of weird looking.” Some girl goes, “Hey, she’s beautiful.” And I was like, “Hey, you kind of look like her.” And she was like, “Fuck you.” So… which one is it, you know? Aw.
Yeah. Ex-girlfriend was Jewish. Big old Jew. Yeah, yeah. We dated for a while. Just found out my ex-girlfriend’s getting breast implants. That blew my mind. I use the term “breast implants.” I don’t like the term “fake breasts.” Doesn’t make sense to me. ‘Cause the breasts are real. It’s just the shit inside that’s fake. The breasts are still real. It’s kind of like the Bible. The book is real, it’s just the shit inside that’s fake.
[laughter]
Oh, there’s leather. Leather book. Boy, the Bible. What a buzz kill, huh? Yeah. Yeah, they don’t like anything fun. They hate gay, they hate trans. That’s gonna be great when doing stuff so sexually advanced, it’s not even in the Bible. You know, like, “I love having sex with my robot.” The guy’s like… “All right, you’re good.” Maybe I’ll try it. Jesus Christ. I know some people get mad when you make fun of their religion, you know, which I never got. If you believe it, just believe it. What’s it matter what I say? I believe in gravity and somebody’s like, “Hey, gravity’s not real.” I’ll be like, “All right, good luck out there.” Yeah. I don’t know. Religion just feels silly. Come on. Who needs God? We got Google. We’re good, yeah, hey. He writes back. Just really fallen off over the years, you know? Like, 60 years ago, rock and roll was considered the devil’s music. Now there’s Christian rock.
[laughter]
Well, what the hell happened there? What, if we wait long enough, they just join in? What’s next? 20 years from now, hey, Christian gay porn.
[laughter]
Huh? I can already see the first movie. “Come here, son. Kneel before me.”
[laughter and applause]
Yeah. Yeah. I think I’m just jealous of religious people. Must be nice, must be comforting to really believe something, you know? That must be nice. I really tried religion, I really tried. I prayed, nothing happened. I talked to God, nothing happened. Zero results, zero. How is that acceptable? I feel like we let religion slide ’cause it’s free. If you had to pay for religion once a month like Netflix, you’d be like, well, this shit isn’t working.
[laughter]
I’m gonna try this agnostic network after this ’cause at least that’s free. But yeah, I– you know? Sorry, just throwing my thoughts at you here, folks, uh… I know, weird. You guys are nice. Some crowds don’t take it as well.
I got called a douche bag at a show recently. That’s a fun word, huh? Douche bag. Yeah, ’cause the insult is more popular than the actual product. Huh? Huh? I don’t know anyone who’s ever used a douche, never seen one. What is it? Like, a Ziploc? I have no idea, all right? I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. Some guy in the 1800s, “I invented this thing for women’s hygiene.” We’re all like, “Nice job, man.” “We’re just gonna use that to describe dudes in fedoras.” I did some research on it. The douche bag is actually bad for women. It’s not good for you. So apparently the guy who invented it… kind of a douche.
But that’s the thing. I’m getting older, you know? I gotta get it together, you know? My brother had a kid, that’s crazy. Everyone wants to play with the baby, touch the baby, hug the baby. I find babies fascinating ’cause babies are the only thing that comes out of another person that strangers want to hold.
[laughter]
You ever think about that? Anything else that comes out of a human being, you’re like, wow, this dinner party is over.
[laughter]
But a baby, we’re all about it. It’s weird. We live in such a germaphobic culture, you sneeze on a guy, he wants to kill you, but, hey, a vagina monster… coochie-coochie-coo. Very interesting. Something to think about, you know?
There’s some perks to getting older, though? I think older women are sexy, yeah. Anybody here been through menopause? Might be a… younger crowd. I’m very ignorant when it comes to this stuff. You ladies really keep a lid on this shit, you know? Like, my aunt’s going through menopause right now. She’s bummed out, she’s depressed. I thought that would be a good time. Menstruation’s over, years of discomfort over. Come on, you graduated, sister. It’s time to move that tampon string to the side.
[laughter and applause]
Right? Why isn’t that a party? Where’s that Facebook invite, huh? Hey, Aunt Marie stopped bleeding every month. All Right! Everybody in the pool.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah, sorry if it’s too dark. I’m just being myself here, folks. People tell you to be yourself your whole life. That is the worst advice on the planet. Yourself sucks. Every time I’ve been myself, been fired, kicked in the balls, dumped, whatever. Don’t ever be yourself. Yourself is gross and naughty. Yourself is the worst version of you. That’s why whenever you walk into an elevator alone, there’s no one else in there, you’re like, ooh, I’m here by myself. I can be weird. There’s no one else in here. Yeah, all right. Then some other guy walks in, you’re like, crap, I got a boner, I’ve been queefing. Aah! Damn it. Now you gotta adapt. You gotta go back to society, you know?
And people tell you to be yourself at the worst times, too. “Hey, you got a hot date tonight, Mark?” “Just be yourself.” All right. You’re sitting at dinner, some girl’s like, “So, Mark, what are you thinking about?” I’m like, “Well… just thinking, you know?” “You rarely see any female pedophiles, uh… “which is probably for the best ’cause they could make their own kids.”
[laughter and applause]
Just being me. The worst times: “Hey, you got a job interview? Just be yourself.” All right. You’re in some office, some guy’s going, “So, Mark… what’s your worst quality?” “Well, you know, I, uh… “I always start masturbating when I’m already late for something.” “Huh. “Wow, all right. “Jesus Christ. “Didn’t see that one coming at all. “Uh… quite a curve ball there. Whoo! Well, I gotta ask now, what’s your best quality?” “Pretty fast masturbator.”
[laughter and applause]
“Hmm.” “I don’t think we’re gonna need you here at the Build-A-Bear. “Thank you, all right, yeah.”
[laughter]
I like phony. Phony’s underrated. Phony gets a bad rap, you know? Why is that, like, an insult? “That guy’s a real phony.” I love phony. Phony makes the world go ’round. Waiters, they don’t care about you. They’re being phony, and it’s nice. The phonier they are, the more you tip. Nice hotel, “Come on in, sir. We’re so glad you came.” That guy didn’t give a rat’s ass about you. He’s being phony. We pay top dollar for phony. All right, I don’t want a stripper who’s authentic. Yeah, getting a lap dance, I’m like, “Yeah, you like that?” She’s like, “Well, I’m just trying to get my kids back.” Go back. Go back to phony. Go back, go back. Phony, phony, phony.
So I mentioned the gays. Any gay guys here? [man] Whoo! Hey, all right. Yes. Thanks for coming out. Literally, yeah, right. Love a good gay. My roommate’s gay, that’s fun. I like having a gay roommate. He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know? Right, we’re both born that way.
[laughter]
Yeah, women just want to be our friends. And, uh… when you finally tell your parents, they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.”
[laughter]
I, uh… I went to the gay pride parade a couple of weeks ago. Still sore. Hand a good time, yeah. They had the homophobic guys out there with the big signs, you know? How much do you have to hate a group to make a sign? I’ve never made a sign in my whole life. Yeah? Yeah? I feel bad. These people are more prejudiced than I am productive, eh? And the markers, the poster board. I don’t get it. Your tactic for fighting gays is arts and crafts? Ironically, the group you hate the most could really pizzazz up that poster.
[laughter]
Every sign, too. “God hates f*gs, God hates f*gs.” Like, really, that’s all you got, “God hates f*gs”? That’s not threatening. Who’s scared of God? Huh? I’d be more scared of a sign that said, “Bill hates f*gs.” Like, shit, is Bill here? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Aw, is that Bill? Bill’s real. Yeah. I just got an email from a gay guy with a crush on me. Gorgeous gay man, smoking hot. What a bummer I’m not gay. This guy is a ten, right? A hot gay guy with a crush on you is kind of like finding a million pesos. You know, you’re like, oh, man, I can’t do much about this now, but if I ever cross that line, I’ll be set. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I got fired from my last job for sexual harassment. I told a woman she had nice legs, they fired me. Which pissed me off, ’cause my gay friends at work get away with murder. The big “Hey, Shelly, how are you?” Honk, honk. Ohh. What? Why is that okay? They’re like, “Well, he’s not attracted to women.” I was like, “So what?” “I’m not attracted to kids. I can’t go to a playground, Hey, Timmy, yeah.”
[laughter]
I don’t get stuff like that, you know? Like, you’re a woman. Wouldn’t you rather be complimented by a group that’s into you? I don’t care if a lesbian compliments me. Nothing against lesbians, but that doesn’t help me out. Yeah? I have a lesbian’s like, “Hey, Mark, like your haircut.” I’m like, “I know, you have the same one.” It doesn’t help me at all. Yeah.
When I was at the gay pride parade, you know, I went with a friend. I’ve known this guy 12 years, I had no idea he was gay. It blew my mind. He decided to come out of the closet at the parade. I had no idea he was gay. And when your friend comes out of the closet, the first thing you think is, holy hell. How many gay jokes have I made around this guy, huh? It’s been 12 years, you know? It’s a lot of jokes. And I had a guy in the crowd get mad, he goes, “What, do you make gay jokes?” “What, do you hate gays?” I was like, “No, you idiot.” “I just make fun of who’s not around.” I’m not prejudiced. I’m a coward.
[laughter]
Don’t we all do that? When you’re with your friend Bill, you make fun of Jeff. With your friend Jeff, you make fun of Bill. I don’t hate them, they just weren’t there, that’s all. People love calling you out on that. What, do you make fun of black people? What, are you racist? No, I just didn’t see any, right? I wish I didn’t see you. God, brutal. Times we’re living, I feel like we’re so quick to call everybody racist, homophobic, misogynist, you know? That word “race,” we thrown that around willy-nilly. I was at a party once, I was like, “That last name, that’s Korean, right?” So guy goes, “It’s Chinese, you racist.” I was like, “Well, I just got it wrong. I don’t hate them.” We don’t do that with other stuff. “What are those, tulips?” “They’re lilacs, you botanist son of a bitch.” “All right? Got my eye on you.” I love flowers. I have some. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right? But you can just say a race now and people get upset. There’s no context anymore. I was at a show once telling a story. I was like, “Yeah, a friend of mine, black guy…” Somebody actually yelled out, “Hey, why’s he have to be black?” Well, mostly, his fucking parents.
[laughter]
Pretty sure it’s hereditary.
Yeah. I don’t get why we’re so sensitive about certain groups and cultures, you know? Like, you can’t make generalizations anymore. That’s out, you know? But certain groups have different qualities, different traits. That’s just how we are, that’s the fun part, you know? I made a hacky joke once about Mexicans and landscaping. This guy in the back goes, “Hey, not all of them.” “You’re generalizing, buddy. Not all of them.” All right, fair enough, but how come they never do that on a positive generalization? Now you go, “Hey, Mexicans are very resilient people.” And no one goes, “Hey, not all of them.” “Ha ha. You’re generalizing, buddy.” You can do it with dogs. No one gets mad about that. You can go, “Hey, Chihuahuas shed less than golden retrievers.” Everybody says, “Yes, that’s true.” But if you say, “Italians punch more women than Asians,” everybody’s like, uhh! Like, oh, why are you mad at me? I’m just going off Google. I didn’t do it. What did I do, yeah? Huh? Yeah. Seems like the only group you can make fun of now openly, in public is children. That’s it. You can say whatever the hell you want about kids. You go, “Oh, I hate kids. Don’t bring your kids around.” “No kids allowed. I’ve killed a few, yeah.” “Hate kid, yeah. Ugh.” Say whatever you want about k– Imagine a show called “Jews Say the Darndest Things,” right?
[laughter]
That would never fly. It would be a great show, though, wouldn’t it? “How you doing, Schlomo?” “We are chosen.” Eh? Would be a great show. Yeah. I guess you’re allowed to make fun of kids ’cause we all were kids at one point. That makes it a little easier. I can’t be like, “Hey, screw you.” “I was Mexican for 18 years, all right, yeah?” “Get out of my hair.”
And I believe in equality and all that stuff. I just make jokes. What happened to jokes, you know? I believe women should be paid the same as men, I do. I used to work at this office job. One day I walked in, this woman was crying her eyes out. She’s like, “I saw the paychecks.” “I want to be treated like a man.” I was like, “Well… you want to be paid like a man.” “You don’t want to be treated like a man.” We don’t treat each other well. If you were treated like a man, some guy would walk in and see you crying and be like, “Hey, suck it up, bitch.” “What are you doing? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.” “Rachel’s a pussy. Rachel’s a pussy.” Treated like a man? What are you, insane? That would be mayhem. “Shelly, how are you?” Vagina flick. That’s, uh… That’s what dudes are doing. What are you, nuts? We’d have to get rid of sexual harassment laws, open the door for tittie twisters, credit card swipe, hand grenade Betty, coming at ya, yeah. Come on, ladies. You guys don’t want to move furniture and kill spiders. Get out of here, all right? And why would you? I don’t either.
We’re very hung up on treating all the groups the same, but the differences are the fun part. We should embrace that, you know? We do that with black people and white people all the time. You hear that a lot? You go, “You should always treat black people and white people the same.” No, you shouldn’t. We should have the same rights, we shouldn’t always be treated the same. That would be insensitive. We all have different shit going on. Like, if I see a black guy with a lot of jewelry on, his hat matches his shoes, I’m like, “Hey, cool guy.” If I see a white guy with a lot of jewelry on, his hat matches his shoes, I’m like, “Hey, he’s gay.”
[laughter]
Differences, differences. If I’m driving around with my white friend and we get pulled over, I’m like, “Here’s my insurance.” If I’m driving around with my black friend and we get pulled over, I’m like, “Uh, I’ll do the talking, thank you.”
[laughter]
It’s true. All right, if I see a white guy call a black guy the N word, I’m like, well, it’s gonna get ugly. If a black guy calls me the N word, I’m over the goddamned moon.
[laughter]
What a great feeling. Come on. I’m all about progress, but why does adding syllables to a word make it less offensive, you know? Used to be “stupid,” now it’s “learning disabled.” Used to be “retarded,” now it’s “mentally gay” or whatever, huh?
[laughter]
Can’t keep up with the PC, you know? It’s all just a gesture. None of it means anything. Like, some PC, I like, like Native American, that’s good. He’s not from India, why are we calling him Indian? Native American, great. I’ll say that. But, like, African-American, I feel weird saying. I don’t have African-American friends, I have black friends. I don’t have Caucasian friends, I have relatives.
[laughter]
None of it adds up. Where are all the African-Canadians? Why don’t we say that? Black people are born in Canada every day. We don’t know what the hell we’re saying anymore. We’ll be like, “Idris Elba is an amazing African-American actor.” Well, he’s British. What the… hell are we doing?
[laughter]
It’s just white people. We’re nervous. We don’t know what to say. We’re scared. We don’t want to get fired. We don’t want to offend. You could corner a white guy in the sidewalk now with a microphone, a video camera, like, “What color is Ray Charles?” He’d be like, “Uh, he’s blind.”
[laughter]
“Well, what’s his ethnicity?” “Piano player.” “Well, what color is his skin?” “I got kids, man. Leave me alone.” We’re terrified. Come into my home now and watch the Discovery Channel, I’m like, “Hey, it’s a great white shark.” “Mediocre white. We’re not all great.” “I’m sorry.”
But racism is alive and well, man. I was just down in, uh, Knoxville, Tennessee. You guys ever been there? [whistles] What a shithole. Holy hell. They are 30 years behind over there. You ever go to a town so small, they’re still racist toward certain white people? You know? They’re like, “Hey, watch out over there.” “That’s where the dirty Irish live.” I was like, “Jesus Christ.” You guys haven’t made it to black people yet?
[laughter]
My God, you’re far behind. I live in New York. We’re past Arabs, let’s go.
[laughter and applause]
Pick it up, come on. Oh. Yeah. Being racist now, very risky. You lose your job, you get ostracized from society, you make headlines. That’s why if anyone’s ever racist around you now, you know they trust you. It’s kind of this weird, bittersweet moment, you know? You’re on a smoke break with somebody, he’s like, “Oh, man, I can’t stand Mexicans.” You’re like, “Holy hell, you’re full of hate, but I didn’t know we were so close.” Jesus Christ. I feel like racism and smoking are a lot alike, you know? Like, in the 50s, everybody did it. Now we know it’s bad, we’re trying to cut back, but some people just can’t quit. We should treat racists the way we treat smokers. Now you’re at your day job, some guy’s about to tell a racist joke. You’re like, “Hey… take that shit outside, huh?” Just a bunch of guys out in the cold, “Oh, goddamned Jews, huh? R-r-r-r-r-r.” “If I don’t take those racist breaks, I get cranky.” Then they go to restaurants, “How you folks doing? You want the racist section or the non-racist?” “Well, we’ve had a few drinks. Better go racist.” “All right, well, it’s your funeral.” “The kitchen is heavily Hispanic.”
Well, that’s where we’re at now. Everything’s… tense. White privilege, that’s a term you hear a lot now, white privilege. I was at a grocery store with a friend of mine, black guy, I stole a candy bar. I love to steal. I get a real rush from stealing. Yeah. I love stealing. What do you call it when you like to steal? What’s the word for that? Clepto, yes. What’s the one where you have sex with dead bodies?
[laughter]
Necrophilia, yes. I’m that, too. So, yeah, yeah… So, yeah, I steal the candy bar, I get outside, I’m all proud of myself. My friend goes, “Ah, white privilege, white privilege.” I was like, “What? No, this was a robbery.” [laughter] “If I had gotten caught then gotten away with it, that would be white priv– this was me being an amazing thief, right?” And he was like, “No, no, it’s white privilege because the guy didn’t follow you around the store, he followed me around the store.” And I was like, “Well, yeah, that’s why I brought you.” Come on. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Man. This wasn’t diversity, this was a diversion.
[laughter]
But, you know, we gotta keep up with the lingo, PC. The whole PC thing just feels very phony to me. It feels bullshit. Like, you can tell PC’s kind of bullshit ’cause you never use those words in emergency. There’s too many syllables. People are hurt, you gotta help ’em. You don’t have time to be progressive. You gotta save some lives. Like, if you see a Chinese guy get into a car accident and run over a black guy, you can’t be like, “Oh, my God, officer, come quick.” “There’s been a terrible tragedy.” “An Asian-American man got into a car accident– “not ’cause they’re bad drivers– “and, uh, he ran over an African-American gentleman “who was crossing the street slowly– “not ’cause they do that– and, uh… “you gotta come quick, the guy’s really hurt. “He’s drowning in a pool of his own blood– not ’cause they can’t swim.”
[laughter]
Now the guy’s dead. You killed him. Thanks a lot. You guys are great. Thanks for coming out. Go get ’em. Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
[woman] So easy.
♪ One more time ♪♪ ♪ One more time ♪♪ ♪ One more time
[cheering and applause]
