The conversationalist comedian, Kenny Sebastian, in his 5th stand-up special performs at the esteemed Royal Opera House in Mumbai and talks about why you shouldn't "be that guy". Finding it hard to get over the fact he isn't 19 anymore, he talks about his struggles with women, his parents and why he is a former nice guy.
Kenny Sebastian: Don't Be That Guy (2017)

Make some noise for Kenny Sebastian.

Oh my God. Thank you so much Mumbai. Thank you. Thank you. Really. How are you guys doing? Oh shit. Let’s do this. Come on guys. It’s the Royal Opera House, guys. The Royal Opera House. Yeah, it’s a big deal. I know none of you know the history but it’s a big deal. I took bath twice for this. Is that even possible? Apparently it is. Yes. The Royal Opera House, the great deal and it’s a big occasion because I’ve just turned 26. Yeah. I have. I don’t know why people cheer for that. Because they’re like, “Hey, he’s going to die soon. Yaay!” Yea, I am going to die soon. Yes, it’s crazy. Like 26… You won’t believe it, I was 19 once. It’s nice, like at 26. You know, it’s kind of difficult. I don’t dance as much. You know.

At 19, I used to dance the best. Because at 19 you don’t care about anyone else. That’s the best way to dance. Dance like no one’s watching applies for women who are great at dancing. Men should stop. Please. Because for men, anything which is not standing is dancing. It’s not a good enough bar, okay. I’m like, “Bro, there is music. Dance, no.” “Bro, I’m dancing.” That’s not dancing guys. It is just so painful to watch.

But at 19 when you go to a club, it’s great. You’re already having fun because you’re already high. Yeah, right? Because at 19 when you go out, one guy will have a great plan, “Bro, why are we spending 400 bucks on drinks in the club? When we can drink on the way, bro.” What do you want to drink? “Whatever gets me high fast.” It’s the best. You are just like neat, neat, neat, neat. It’s awesome.

At 26 you have preferences. “Can I have a Jack and Coke but diet Coke, please. Oh they don’t have diet Coke. What kind of a barbaric place is this? I can’t have Jack with… Wine for me.”

At 19 it’s great. And by any chance if you’re still not high you’re like, “Bro! Shots!?” “Sir, what kind of shots?” “Uh, shots!?” “Sir, how many shots?” “Uh, shot-shots!?” “Can you stop shouting, sir? Can you please stop shouting?” You don’t care and at 19 there’s no like, “Shots? What is this? Petroleum? Yeah!” It’s the best. Petroleum shots. It’s bad for the environment, good for the dancing. It’s awesome. You just dance like the club is yours. You’re like, “Whoo! Yeah, my friends and me. It’s our night.” At 26 you’re like, “Ssh! We are the loudest table here, guys.” But at 19 you don’t care. At 19 you’re there with your friends. It’s your night, it’s about you. At 19 I never felt cold… because my ego kept me warm. It’s so nice. When you grow older you become open minded so you lose heat. “Give me a neck warmer.” I read a book today. You know so…

At 19, you enter the club like, “Whoo! Let’s make a circle guys! Yeah! Let’s make a circle. It’s such an awesomely unique idea, bro!” Other guy’s like, “Bro, how do you even come up with these awesome ideas? Do you have a book or something?” “Yeah bro, it’s my brain. Okay guys, let’s all together do the leg thing. The leg thing. Guys, are we forgetting something? Bollywood. Arjun, get it right Arjun.” “I’m not getting the rhythm.” “Arjun, get it right! We practised this bro.” “Arjun, it’s fine. Now we’re going to do a new thing. Centre solo dance! Go to the centre. Go to the centre.” “Bro, why are you making so many rules dude?” “Have a shot, bro!” It’s awesome. It’s nice. At 26, you dance though. I dance once in awhile. Like, go to the club. I’m like, “Hey! Nice beats. I’ll go shake a bit.” And then I remember I have to pay rent, then I stop. Deduct it from my soul. Yeah so! There are certain advantages though. At 26 you can say no very confidently… to your friends. Because at 19 you were saying no to your parents like left and right. It’s very ironic, at 19 the only two people who give a shit about you genuinely are your parents. But you hate them! Because they care about you and shit. It’s damn annoying, right. Why do they care about you so much? At 19, you used to go for a party, they’ll be like, “At least eat something…” “Mom, why do you care about my nutrition so much? Oh my God. Shit, mom. I’m late for my party. Mom! Why do we have so many doors in our house? I hate you, mom. Is that Hogwarts? I’m not a wizard, I want to be a DJ. You never let me follow my dream, mom.” Yeah!

But there are certain things that I’ve gotten over at 26. Like… You know, I’m not… I don’t have stage fright anymore. It’s my job. So… I can’t come on stage and be like, “No, no! I can’t today.” I can’t do that. It’ll be a bad show. But I still feel shy though. When I’m around really pretty women. You know… Yeah, I feel all awkward and shit. I mean I don’t want that reaction or anything. I don’t know. Don’t worry, I’m not feeling shy today. So it’s fine. Oh! Did he just say that? Did he just? Did a comedian just make a joke? All the guys are like, “Brutal bro!” All the women are like, “Really? Freaking asshole. Have you even seen me? Have you even seen me? What is this shit lighting? Give me bathroom lights. I’ll show you, you son of a bitch. How dare you say that? How dare you say that, Kenny? Wow! We’re not pretty enough for him? You know how much shit I put on my face? My mother doesn’t recognise me now, yeah! I put some eye liner, some mascara, I put eyelashes to the sun roof, bitch. How dare you say that? I’m not pretty enough it seems. I put like eye shadow from light to dark, dark to light, four dimensional eye shadow. You son of a bitch. I met my grandfather. He’s doing well. I straightened my hair and I lost four of my fingers. But I’ll still climb the Himalayas, you son of a bitch.” It’s just a joke. I don’t need that. I don’t need that. It’s just a joke. Because women, they re-invent themselves. Whenever they go anywhere, it’s like how can I be better for this new venue? This new place. You enter a bathroom, a new person comes out. I’m like, “Excuse me, have you seen my friend Tina? Oh you’re Tina. Shit! Oh! Okay!” Awesome. It’s crazy.

Guys when they go inside the bathroom, first question is do I really need to wash my hands? Do I? And second is why am I even wearing clothes, bro? Because guys as they get older, they just want to get naked. Look at your dad at home. Your dad hates wearing clothes. Yeah! He just hates wearing clothes. When guests come home, your mom is like, “What impression will we make?” Your dad is like, “I have to wear clothes now? No!” No!” It’s like you got a bear from the wild. And you are teaching him how to live in civilisation. It’s crazy, I know. That is the true evolutionary stage of men. They dance and they get naked. So I feel shy around women. You know there are really pretty intimidating women, right. You guys know what I’m talking about. Oh so, everyone’s a player. Okay. I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry for looking stupid. All the guys are like, “Bro, what you’re talking about? What is this shy shit? Shy? Bro that’s not in my dictionary. I’m so hot, when I step out on the road, a truck full of women come and I’m like, No, thanks and I moonwalk home. Yeah! That’s how cool I am, Kenny. Shy? I’m not shy. Yeah?”

That’s why I hate asking for opinions from guys in a group. Guys are amazing people one on one. They are amazing people. Have conversations with them one on one. The moment you put them in a group, they’ll be like… Just. They are the worst people. Like women who are dating guys, you know what I am talking about. Your boyfriend one on one with you, is super emotional. They’ll be like, “Baby, I just wanna say you mean the world to me, baby.” Can you hold my hand while I talk to you? Can you hold my hand? I just wanna say the past eight months have become the best eight months. Can you do that finger thing? Can we do that finger thing? I just wanna say that… My friends… Like me and Gopal have been friends for like eight years. But your eight months feel like a life time baby. It is not even the physical thing, it’s just the cuddling. You know you make me… You make me feel warm. You know? Like you know me better than my parents too, you know. I can tell you stories that I can’t tell anybody. Baby, just… You’re my princess, I’m your prince, I just want to say that. I just want to say that.” And suddenly, his guy friends come like, “Bro, this Neha is being so clingy, bro! Shit! E-M-O, Emo! Let’s go and drink bro! Bro there are so many doors in this house, man. Hogwarts? Can we party? No! Shit. No DJ. It just sucks. Sucks man.” That’s why I hate asking guys about any trip they have taken to Goa. Goa is the number one bullshit story manufacturer. No one is going to give you a truthful story. Yes, can we have a round of applause for that. Yes. Yes. I am not even going to go to Thailand, okay. Those stories, Jesus. They should be published as novels. Guys just bullshit… I’m like, “Hey man! You went for a trip somewhere right?” He’s like, “Yeah, man.” “Where did you go?” “Goa.” – “Okay, I don’t want to know. It’s fine.” “Hey bro, listen bro! Bro listen, no. Let me tell you a story, bro. Something happened, dude.” And now you are too interested. “Okay bro, what happened tell me.” “No, you don’t know.” “Okay, tell me.”

“So I am sitting in the shack. It’s a beach, right. I’m sitting in the shack, bro. Looking at the beach, bro. Having noodles, bro. Cuz I’m a chill kinda guy, bro. Just eating my noodles. Having a beer, cuz I’m a chill kinda guy. Suddenly Kenny, I see these two girls in front of my table. They’re looking at me, dude. They’re looking at me, dude. They’re still looking at me, dude. Two Russian chicks, bro. Two Russian…” “Okay wait. Two Russian chicks. You’re sitting in a shack, having noodles. Which is obviously the most attractive thing you can do. And two Russian women are staring at you?” “Yeah, bro. Listen. Anyway, I’m sitting and eating noodles cuz I’m a chill kinda guy. Just eating. Suddenly they get up, bro. They come towards me and they’re like, Excuse me, but you’re really cute.” “Of course. Two Russian women get up. Come to you and say excuse me, but you’re cute.” “Yea, bro. Let me tell, no. She’s like hey do you want to go to a club? We could dance. Why should I be rude? I got up, paid the bill… Tipped also and then… We went to a club. So these three Russian women are just grinding…” “Wait, you said two Russian women.” “Bro, can you listen to the story bro. Can you listen to the story, bro?” “Yes. Then what happened?” “So these five Russian women are just grinding on me.” “Please continue.” “So these 1400 women are just like surrounding me…” I’m like, “Okay! Enough. Enough… of this bullshit!”

So when I say the word shyness, women think I’m talking about this emotion. No, no! That’s what kids feel. Guys stop feeling that emotion after fifth standard when we discovered something amazing. Yeah! So, what happens is after fifth standard, that shyness, it evolves into like a new emotion. It becomes hyper awareness. This amazing term is coined by me. Basically what happens is when a guy, an adult male is in a room and an amazingly stunning woman enters the room. His brain is like… *Siren wailing* But he acts calm, he’s like, “What? It’s all cool.” But what he’s doing is, he is scanning the entire room in 3D. Like the moment she enters, he knows exactly where she is standing. And then guys come up with this hypothetical situation. They’re like, “What if… What if… She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know how amazing I am. What if… She bumps into me. What’s the sexiest thing you can do, Kenny?” She’d be like, “Hey what’s the time?” “The time? The time is 10:10 pm baby.” Okay let’s try that again. She bumps into you, sexiest thing you can do. “Excuse me.” – “Excuse you.” This happens 4000 times in one second. So recently I had to do a photoshoot. Okay. I’m like great, I like photoshoots. But then the director’s like, “Hey, a supermodel is going to be shooting with you.” I’m like, “No! No!” What? Why would he do that? Because then I have to be the best version of myself. Which is fake because human instinct is, the moment you meet someone better than you, you’re like, “Let me not be myself. I always put my hand in my life pocket. This is my hand, yes this is…” You become hyper aware, you take a bath twice. You comb your hair. When you laugh, nervously spit comes out and you apologise. “Oh shit! No, no! That’s not my spit. Usually my laughs are very dry.” You just… I don’t know what happens to your body. You just… The body just freezes up. So she was going to come for the photoshoot. So I’m waiting in the photo studio. And there are four light guys with me. I’m like, “Come on, you can do this Kenny. You can do this.” And then suddenly I hear her footsteps. She reaches the door. As she reaches the door… the door melted. Because the door was like, “I don’t want to be an obstacle.” It just fell. It couldn’t take it. “I’ll be a floor now.” It just fell. And as she entered, the light guys who were with me for 45 minutes, who didn’t give a shit about my presence. The moment she walks in, they turned all the lights toward her like… It’s a small light. It’s a small light. She is shining bright. She is super bright. As she is walking towards… there was a guy next to the door who had asthma and he was like, coughing. The moment she passed him, he was cured and he was doing asanas *Ancient Breathing exercises* I’m like, what? As she is walking closer, there was a guy with leprosy who was struggling to walk. She bumps into him and he gets cured and he starts doing squats. He won bronze for the Indian Olympics. What is happening? She is walking towards me. This symbol of perfection. Guys, by this time my brain has fused twice. My brain can’t handle such stunningness. If that’s even a word. So I’m just standing there like…

♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫
♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫
♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫

Then she walks towards me because she is so sweet. She’s like, “Oh hi. You must be Kenny. Nice to meet you.” And I’m like, “The time is 10:10 pm baby!” I’m very tensed. So then there was this one part of the photoshoot, which really happened. So the camera was there. She is standing here, facing the camera. I’m standing behind her, facing the camera. It’s a simple shot. I’m like great, I don’t need to look at her. That’s great. Director’s like, “One, two, three…” Click. Then I heard another sound. *fart noise* Then the first wave hit me. My brain refused to believe that she did this. I was like, “No! No! It can’t be. It must be the window. There must be a mass rat burial outside.” I said the first wave. The second wave hit me and this was not kind. It was silent but powerful. Like the great Tsunami. Just hit me. My soul came out. It’s some Doctor Strange shit. Guys, my eyes started watering. What shocked me was the nonchalantness of this lady. Because even I had farted like five times by then. But I am intelligent about it. I’m like, “Hey! What’s that window?” *fart noise* “Ah okay, cool. Sweet. Hey can I have the juice? Sure.” *fart noise* “Oh cool.” That’s how you do it. Yeah, that’s how I was taught by the great elders. But this woman was just like… *fart noise* Civilisations destroyed. I was like, respect bro. After she did that, I was like, “Hey you are like me only. Come let’s chill. Let’s chill.” That’s great. So guys, my dating advice is that every time you’re on a date and you get intimidated just feed her beans. And you’ll fart, I mean live happily ever after. But like as I said, I am 26. I don’t know if you guys know that. It’s not like I keep bringing it up. And it’s nice. I have my own apartment now. It’s a nice apartment in Bandra. And I share the apartment with two other comedians. So the sarcasm level is so high. That when you enter you get dehydrated. It’s just… so dry. So dry. It gets very tough. And the house is damn dirty. But it is okay now. It was a mess before but now we have an angel in our lives. Who makes everything better. I’m obviously talking about the maid. By the way the correct term is… Not maid, it’s sister. [man from audience] Housekeeping. Housekeeping? It’s not a hotel. “Hello! Housekeeping?” “Hey, shut your face.” Oh sorry. Housekeeping? You stay in like South Bombay or something. What the hell is happening? Are you the President’s daughter? So, didi comes home at 9:55 am. This time was not decided by us. It was decided by her. Because like fools we decided to challenge her. I’m like, “You know didi, 9:55 is too early. Can you come at 10?” “I have two little children in my house for crying out loud.” “Oh, I am so sorry. We’ll come to your house. Forget it. It’s cool. We are moving, guys.” So my maid comes at 9:55 am. And there is a correct way of opening the door when the maid comes. It’s less than one second of eye contact. It’s basically like this. *Doorbell rings* That’s it. Got to keep it casual. If you do anything less than one second, it looks like you are pissed off with her for no reason. *Doorbell rings* Don’t do that. That’s rude. But if you do anything more than one second, things get a little weird. *Doorbell rings* Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy, don’t be creepy. So she comes home. Certain times she doesn’t come home. Because she has a reason. But usually it’s a very emotional reason. She’ll be like, “I am not coming to work for two days!” Okay. Why? And it’s usually death related. Because they come from such a hard background, right. Like all their reasons are like death related. For us the worst reason not to go to work is… “Stomach is paining. I put food in my mouth. It’s coming out now. It’s warm.” That’s the worst reason. We’re like, “Why aren’t you coming to work for two days?” “Someone straight up died in my house.” “Who died in your house?” “Don’t know, some guy came over at night and didn’t wake up in the morning.” Okay. Why are people coming into your house and dying? “I AM NOT COMING TO WORK.” It’s fine. Take three days off, it’s fine.

And we’re cool with it because we can’t make out the emotional BS. But our female friends can. Because women have high EQ. They can sense the emotional BS. Bullshit. When our female friends come home and they get pissed. They’ll come home and be like, “Kenny, where is the maid? Where is the maid?” “Oh, she took three days off.” “Oh yeah. Why may I ask?” “Oh, actually someone passed away in her house.” “Oh, last week also two people died. Diwali festival also ten people will die or what?” I’m like, “Woah! Calm down.” The worst culprit of this is my mom. My mom is the sweetest, warmest, cuddliest panda there is. Super warm and caring. She is actually a panda. We stole her from China. So please don’t tell anybody. She’s endangered so they might take her away. I’m half panda by the way. Yeah, I find it very difficult to get up in the morning. So my mom is super sweet and caring. Except when the maid comes. When the maid comes home, my mom turns into a gangster. From the ghetto. She is like the Godfather’s Godmother. No seriously, it gets very like… We’ll be at home chilling, my mom is being very sweet and suddenly the maid comes home and the bell rings. *Doorbell rings* And she turns into a gangster, guys. She goes to the middle of the room and she’s like… My maid comes and she’s full scared. She’s like, “Oh no!”

And my maid’s also a gangster. She’s also damn badass. Like if you put a gun in front of her, she’ll be like, “Get out of here.” We have tried. But she is scared of my mom. My maid, like she doesn’t even want much from my mom. She doesn’t even want the salary. All she wants is eye contact. Because if you get eye contact from my mom as a maid, that’s the highest form of honour. It’s like knighthood. So my maid, poor thing, she does the whole mopping of the house. She’s goes to my mom like, “Aunty, so I did the floor. It’s all clean. It’s all clean.” And my mom is like… *beatboxes* “Who’s going to do the dishes, bitch?” *beatboxes* And my maid’s like, “Shit, I forgot the the dishes.” She runs to the kitchen, she does the dishes. She takes two metals, combines them and makes a new alloy. Just to impress my mom. She makes a new dish. She cleans the window because the windows are genuinely dirty. And then she goes, cleans the neighbour’s house. Then she starts an NGO for maids… named after my mother. The Mrs. Sebastian foundation. And she goes back to my mom and like, “Okay. Did the dishes, did the window. Did the neighbour’s house, NGO. Also, we solved string theory. Because we forgot that the light behaves like a wave and entropy we didn’t even calculate.” Then mom’s like… *beatboxes* “Who’s going to make rotis, bitch?” And I’m behind her, like a Hype-Man… “Go mama, it’s your birthday. We’re gonna party like it’s your birthday.” *beatboxes*

It’s crazy. It’s crazy in my house. Because I didn’t know my mom could beatbox. I didn’t. She’s amazing at it. So I am encouraging her talents. I’m pushing her to college fests. Yeah, so you if see sick-beat-panda, that’s my mom. *beatboxes* Kenny is my son, he is lame, I’m a sick panda I’m changing the game. It’s crazy. Yeah. My mom just came up with that. Feel like she shouldn’t call me lame though. It’s awesome. But it gets very tense. It gets very tense in my house. When the holy trifacta happens. Which is me, the maid and my mom. It gets very tense. It’s like a mission impossible film. Where only the mission matters. Which is cleaning the goddamn house. Everyone is just in the way man, the sofa, the house, the walls, oxygen. She is just focused. And then it’s crazy like we’re at home and I’m chilling at home. I am chilling at home. My mom catches me. “Kenny, what are you doing?” “Mom, I live here?” “What are you doing in this room?” “Existing?” “Don’t act smart with me, Kenneth. Where is the maid?” “She is in the top floor.” “So why are you not with her?” “I don’t know, I just want to be single for a while. So…” “Why are you not with her in the room?” “Why would I be with her in the room?” “What if she steals the TV?” “She’s been with us for 28 years, mom. Why would she steal the TV?” “I’ve heard stories though. Go watch her clean.” Now I have to do this weird thing where I enter the room to evaluate my maid’s work. I have no purpose of being there. So I am just walking like that. My maid’s like cleaning. “Get out of here.” Seema gets very aggressive, I mean didi gets very aggressive. Recently, I don’t know if you guys know this, I turned 26. I don’t know if I brought it up. And I’ve grown guys. I’ve grown. I am a former nice guy. Yeah. I’m sorry, I hate to say this. I used to be a nice guy but then I just realised, no point because for some reason people told me that, “Hey! Respect people if you want to be respected.” Some shit like that. Some mumbo-jumbo guys. Don’t do that. Just think about yourself. The 19 year old thing is the best. Niceness is not rewarded at all. Niceness is not rewarded. I’ll give you an example. When I go to a store, I’m like, “Sir, this sim card is not working. And he’s like, “Oh! I just noticed you’re a nice person. Let me ignore you for the next one hour.” Suddenly an asshole walks in, “WHAT SHITTY PHONE!” “Sir, please stand here. Please stand in the front of the line. Yeah. Let me give you the attention you don’t deserve.”

Niceness is not rewarded. In college, who was the professor you respected the most? The strict one or the nice one? The strict one because they take your case, man. The nice teacher will be like, “Okay students, when you learn, I learn.” And you’re like, “This guy is weak, bro. He’s soft. Okay, Monday we’ll mass bunk. Let’s watch him cry. It’ll be awesome.” Niceness is not rewarded. I have a proposal. I have a proposal. We need to take the last remaining nice guys and we have to put them somewhere to protect them. We have to protect them because nice people can’t protect themselves. If nice people protect themselves, they become rude. If they are rude, they are not nice anymore. Shit, I figured this out. So what do we do? We have to build a dam. Build a nice dam, put all of them inside. Call it damn nice. Just put all of them inside that. Let’s protect them and only release them when it’s really important. Don’t worry, like no one will get out. Because they’ll be like, “How can we leave without saying bye?” So no one will leave. Everyone will stay inside, protected forever. And we can all be outside and be mean, “Hey dickhead!” Just do all that. It won’t affect them. They’ll be protected. It breaks my heart because recently I met the nicest guy ever. He was my Uber driver. Nicest Uber driver on the planet. I knew he was nice because this is how he answered the phone. “Hello!” Like his voice was so nice. That the sound waves that came out of his mouth apologised to air for using it as a medium. Yeah. His sound waves were like, “Sorry! Am I taking up air molecules? I just have to propagate, I’m sorry. Cosmic rays? Bye, okay. Gamma say hi. Okay. If I’m troubling you, I’ll just reflect off the wall and go into the universe. It’s fine. I won’t come back. Bye!” That’s how nice he was. I’m like, “Sir, where are you?” He’s like… “You know what? I’ll come to where you are.” So I went to where he was. I sat inside his car, he starts doing this. He looks at me and he’s like. He starts pulling his chair forward. “Customer satisfaction is number one.” If it was up to him, he would’ve sat on the windshield and driven like this. He’s too nice. Broke my heart. We’re driving and it’s a fifteen minute journey. Okay. And here’s the thing. Nice people can’t ignore phone calls. Okay. They can’t ignore your phone ringing also. So I am sitting in the cab. And I’m like let me start a conversation with this guy. I’m like, “Hey! What’s your name?” “Sir! Gopal, sir.” Because he thought if he looks at the mirror, the mirror will reflect to my eyes and it might burn me. So he looks down. “Yes sir. My name is Gopal.” I’m like, “So, how did you get into this?” “It’s my sister’s wedding. So I had to make some money and nicely it went. My sister’s wedding.” I’m like, “So nice.” And my phone starts ringing. *Phone ringing* And Gopal is like… *Phone ringing* “Gopal, you were telling me about your sister.” “No sir, your phone’s ringing.” *Phone ringing* “Gopal, it’s fine. Just talk to me.” *Phone ringing* “What if it’s important, sir?” “Gopal, we are talking. That’s important.” *Phone ringing* “There are only three rings left. I counted.” “It’s okay, Gopal.” “What if someone’s dying, sir?” *Phone ringing* I’m like, “Gopal. If someone was dying and the last person they call is me. They deserve to die.” What is so important that as they are dying they’re like, “Bro! Can you just tell me that middle class restaurant joke…” It’s a self referential joke.

As he was driving, his phone rings. Because Uber has this new thing where right before you end your trip, the next customer can call you because there isn’t enough pressure in life already, right. So as he is driving, his phone rings. Nice people can’t ignore phone calls. He immediately picks up the phone and an auto-rickshaw hits us from the back. It hits us from the back. And Uber doesn’t cover that cost. It’s his money, he has to cover it. And this is how this man reacts to an auto hitting his life savings. I’m like at least get angry, bro. You deserve that emotion. Then he turns to me and he’s like, “Sir, an auto hit us sir. So I have to go out.” I’m like, “Thank you for keeping me in loop… of a situation I am already part of. So sweet you are. I know, go out.” “Sir, if you don’t mind I’ll go outside and handle it.” “You will handle it? You will handle it? You nice person.” Nice people can’t get into traffic arguments. You can’t because when you could get into traffic arguments, you have to channel your inner demon like… Like the minimum decibel level to take part in the traffic argu- “HEY MOTHERF-” That’s the minimum decibel I know. That’s how you say hi. Is just like… good evening. So this guy was going to handle this. He opens the door, he gets out. I’m not kidding, this is true. The moment he steps out, it starts raining. Because the universe is like, “Hmm! How can I make this more depressing? What filter should I put? Sepia? No. Sepia is too cliché. Hmm, rain and despair? Perfect. Crop.” So, he enters… It’s raining, he is arguing with the auto driver and I don’t know what’s happening? I’m sitting inside and then he enters the car, he is completely drenched. And he’s like, “Sir, okay! We can go now.” I’m like, I don’t know what he did. Maybe he sold his house. As a sign of apology for just existing. Then we were driving and he is drenched, right. So he starts shivering. He turns to me and he’s like. “Sir, if you don’t mind, can I switch off the AC?” My tears had tears. It’s so sad. I got off the car, I opened his door. Picked him up and put him in my arms. Put him on his bed. Put his bedsheet. And I built a dam around him. First customer, guys. First customer. Thank you. Can I play some music for you guys? Can you guys keep clapping till I get the guitar on stage? Hey guys. I have a guitar. And I have to talk in this sexy voice. I can’t be like, “Hello, today I will sing song for everybody, for the faculty members and the judges.” You got to be like, “Hey! It’s going to be alright. Because I have a guitar.” You could just sing anything, it doesn’t matter.

♫ I have a guitar ♫
♫ It’s right next to me ♫
♫ Right next to me ♫
♫ I have a guitar ♫
♫ That’s how it works ♫
♫ Because technically, ♫
♫ without it it’s air-guitar ♫

I don’t even need words, I could just use vowels. ‘O’ is a great vowel for guitar songs.

♫ Oooooo! ♫
♫ Oooooo! ♫
♫ O! ♫
♫ O! ♫
♫ A-I-O-U! ♫
♫ But I love you. ♫

No I don’t. That’s the lyrics. Please don’t. I’m sorry, it’s fine because the guitar does that to you, you believe… You believe. How many of you guys can play the guitar? How many of you guys can play the guitar? Yeah? How many guys can’t play the guitar? Give me a cheer. You guys are going to be super impressed. You’ll be like, “How is he touching and sound is coming? How?” It’s magic. It’s magic. I have a request for the few people who play guitar, just one request. Can you guys be sad? It’s a layered instrument. Please, have you seen happy guitarists? You know how annoying they are? Have you seen them? Please don’t do that. It’s damn annoying. Super annoying. Why are you so happy? Everyone is giving you attention already, right? The only reason you should be happy is when you are playing tabla because your life is screwed anyway. “Tagda doom. I’m never going to get laid. Diga doom doom. Eight years I took to learn this shit. Diga doom. Come do a musical face off, no one will touch me anyway. Diga doom doom doom.” It is so sad. They make them play on the floor, dude. At least bro, give us something. “Yeah here is one bed sheet, chill.” One cushion? “Yeah yeah. One cushion for the tabla, not for you.” You have a guitar, it’s just like… It’s awesome. The next thing I’m going to do, I’m going to make an indie love song for you guys. Because that’s the ultimate. No one can escape that. Men, women, small puppies. Oh, they die literally. Sing a love song to a puppy, they will explode. Two things which are incredible, meet. I’ll stop now. So basically, an indie love song is in right now. Indie is independent music, anything that is not mainstream is indie. Yeah? Independent, mainstream? It’s damn convenient for independent musicians, they’re like… They hit a drum and they’re like, “It’s art. Oh, you don’t like it? That means you like mainstream? That means you’re a horrible person, bro.” It’s damn convenient. It’s damn convenient. So I am going to make an indie love song but you need two things. You need to be poetically negative and you have to be abstract. Poetically negative is when you just make happy things sad. “Hey Kenny, you want to go for lunch?” “You know there is emptiness, right?” “Bro, I just asked for lunch, bro.” “Hey Kenny, look at this puppy. It’s so cute, no? It’s happy.” “Does it know that life will come to an eventual end?” “It’s just a puppy, dude.” That’s how you become negatively… poetically negative. It’s a tough word. Next you have to be abstract. How to be abstract, you just talk about stuff that no one has any idea. I am listening but I have no idea what he is talking about. But it’s great. Even the musician has no idea what he is talking about. So I am going to make a love song, can’t be conventional. It can’t be about a boy or a girl. It’s going to be about… This water bottle. Did you even notice this water bottle? Don’t lie. You were looking at me, you selfish. This is serving me, hydrating me. Did anyone say thank you to it? No. Your friends ask for water, you put it in their mouth. Seven other people ask, seven mouths it goes into. Did you ask for consent? Did you ask for consent? No. No one gives a shit. It serves you. After you’re done with it, after it provides you with life nourishing water… What do you do? You throw it on the ground. And kids come and they’re crushing it like, “Yaay! I love the crushing sound.” It’s the sound of it dying, bro! I am sorry, I get very emotional. This song is for the water bottle, the ultimate nice guy.

[Audience member] Woah!

Yeah, it’s all connected man. The universe. You, plants, spinal cord, have you seen that shit? It’s crazy. So this love song is for the water bottle. So can we all clap like we’re in a concert, yeah? Let’s do this. But let’s be sad also.

♫ I am sitting on a train ♫

Because trains are sad. They are because they take a long time to reach anywhere. You can carry anything, they don’t care. “Sir, it’s a nuclear bomb.” “Can you please hurry up? There is a line behind.” Sorry. In a plane, “Sir, it’s a power bank.” “He is a terrorist, arrest him.” Trains are like, “Sir, your nuclear warhead is hitting my leg from that time. Can you move it? Who uses uranium nowadays.”

♫ I am sitting on a train ♫
♫ While I am sitting on a train ♫
♫ I look out the window ♫

Windows are also sad. Nothing good happens when you sit next to a window. The love of your life leaves you. Your parents come back home early. “Seema, get out. My parents are here.” Not my maid.

♫ I’m sitting on a train ♫
♫ I am sitting on a train ♫
♫ I look out the window ♫
♫ The trees look sad… ♫

Global warming.

♫ The clouds are albino ♫
♫ Don’t you know how I long for you ♫
♫ The humidity is easily 32 ♫
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫
♫ H2O in a plastic bottle ♫
♫ There is happiness ♫
♫ There is sorrow ♫
♫ I look at you ♫
♫ You look at me with elation ♫
♫ I think you’re crying ♫
♫ Or maybe it’s just condensation ♫
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫
♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫

Want to make it more indie? Yeah? Guys, let’s put an alaap in this shit. Yeah, you gotta put an alaap, bro. Because most independent bands don’t sound Indian. “Hey, it’s an American band.” “No, it’s Indian.” So you got to put an alaap in this. There is reservation here also. Just put an alaap. Just ask your watchman to do it.

♫ Aaaaaa ♫
♫ Aaaaaa ♫
♫ Night… ♫
♫ Morning… ♫
♫ Evening… ♫
♫ Early Afternoon… ♫

Do you want to make it more indie? I need audience participation up in this shit. You guys are an awesome audience, even you guys. Everybody. I need you guys because indie musicians, they don’t have money, they have audience. So in every… In every… In every… This is a joke, I like them. They’re sweet. You need audience participation. Every music concert, there will be this one part where the band is going to be like, “Okay guys, for this next song, we need the audience. Come on, let’s participate. Come on. I’ll give you a patronising countdown. One, two, three and random syllables. O-O-O-O! We don’t trust you.” No, I will try to do something better. I’ll give you a word, I’ll give you ‘hey’. It’s a big responsibility, I know. I will say one, two, three but I am not patronising you. Sometimes the audience is little too confident. I’m like, one, two, three… “Hey bro, we got it. We’re chill kinda crowd, bro. Chill kinda crowd.” I know you guys can do it. We’ll do it together, you have to say ‘hey’. At the count of three. One, two, three. Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

You guys are good. You guys are good, yeah. Guys, do you want to make it more indie? I don’t think you can handle it. It’s the ultimate hipster level. There’s no coming back. This part is where you take a famous speech from history and you put a radio filter on it. Because radio filters make everything awesome. The speech from history has nothing to do with the song. It’s just cool. Take a famous speech, but you guys have to still say ‘hey’. I’ll do the speech, you guys do ‘hey’. Can we do this together? As one family, that never meets. Yeah? Okay, one, two, three. Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

[Audience] Hey!

At the midnight hour As the world sleeps India will awaken, awaken, awaken… Then you take away everything and you bring back the sadness.

♫ I am sitting on a train ♫
♫ I look out the window ♫

True indie songs, they stop mid-sentence.

♫ The trees look sad ♫
♫ The cloud-♫

Thank you so much, I am Kenny Sebastian. You’ve been a lovely audience. I am done for tonight. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. Because the last audience didn’t stand up.


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Bo Burnham: Inside (2021)

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) – Transcript

‘Inside’ carries satire, social commentary and honesty. It makes fun of social media, it allows time to process the more introspective points he makes, all while being incredibly visually creative.

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