– I wish I didn’t have to do this to perform, but it’s gotten me this far. All: you’re bad. You’re bad. You’re very, very bad.
Thanks, guys. Can you clear all this out of here? [Sighs] [indistinct chatter] Mother, thank you for everything.
I hope you get married and don’t die alone. [Indistinct chatter] – father, I just– I wanted to say thank you.
Melody Duggan, my high school drama teacher, I credit my success to your brilliance as a teacher.
You were a pussy in high school. You’ll be a pussy forever.
Weird one. Nick Vatterott, thank you for everything, man.
Did you go up yet?
No, man, I’m– – right on. All right. Have a good set, dude.
Is this–oh. Actually, I went the wrong way.
Great set, man.
I haven’t gone up yet.
T.J., I’m so proud of you. You couldn’t find the door to this one.
Mom, I don’t know why I did any of this.
[Upbeat hip-hop music]
♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪ t-t-t-t-t-t-t ♪ T.J. Miller ♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪
[cheers and applause]
– What the fuck is up, Colorado, huh?
[Cheers and applause]
I think that’s a good way to start things off, yeah? Hey, guys, thanks for coming. This guy, totally unimpressed. From the very start, never clapped, nothing. Just so high. He just turned to his girlfriend. He’s like, “who is this? “Why does this comedian keep looking different each time I blink?” Nice. You got your Oregon hoodie on. That’s good. Are you aware of the state that you’re in, or no? Let’s start it off. Ready? I say, “hey,” you say, “ho.” Hey. All: ho! – Not everybody. Just you. Ready? Hey. – Ho. – Hey. – Ho. – He’s good. That was good. You’re a good ho. I mean, you’re– oh, this is great. Recently I threw up on the street in Washington, D.C. that’s exciting, right? Our nation’s capitol. That’s not a big deal. I throw up in the street a lot. I like to drink. And I get hungover. You know when you’re hungover and you’re like, “I am definitely gonna vomit today… but I wonder if I can make it to breakfast first”? So I rolled the dice. I was incorrect in my assertion. I know this, ’cause I made that sound that you make when you’re definitely gonna vomit. You know, when there’s no decision left? It sounds like this: [retching violently] you know? That’s a real problem. Which is the great thing about the human body too. Not only is vomiting disgusting, we get to look like a hungry baby bird right beforehand. [Retching violently] “feed me, mother!” It’s a British bird, perhaps a nightingale. What was different about this time is, right as I began to vomit, like, right as I was like: [retching violently] I turned, and I made eye contact with a woman sitting across the street at a Starbucks. And then I held eye contact as I vomited. Which is terrible. For her mostly. ‘Cause I feel so bad for her, you know, because her morning started off successfully. You know, she’s not wearing the clothing she was in the night before. She’s up on time. She’s probably thinking to herself, “well, another successful morning. “Sipping a frappe latte. What do they always say? “Early to bed, early to have the worms in your house. “I’m not very good at cliches, “or at least the person impersonating me isn’t. “It’s a real point of insecurity for him. “But at least I won’t have an awkward interaction with– what’s going on with that baby bird of a man over there?” Then she just sees me like: [retching violently] I also walk like a zombie when I vomit. But I feel bad for her, you know? ‘Cause what’s going on in her reality? She’s got to go home and call her friends, right? She doesn’t know the context. She just calls. She goes, “oh, my god, you guys. “I was so ugly this morning. I made a man vomit.” I don’t want her to think that, you know? Right? Wouldn’t you feel bad? Sorry, I just made it awkward, didn’t i? I do that a lot. When I make eye contact with people in the audience, I’ll hold it. Like, I’ll talk to somebody, and then I’ll finish talking, but I won’t look away… until then. That’s weird. That’s a weird thing, and now I made it all– I didn’t mean to make– you came to the show. I appreciate it. I don’t want to make it weird. In fact, if I need to talk to you from now on, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? I’m not talking to you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? [Laughs] you’re crying, did you just come from– why are you embarrassed about it? That’d be so awful if I was like, “why are you crying at the show, huh? “You’re crying from laughing? Get out of here. Go smoke pot in his van.”
I like the idea that maybe you guys are applauding that he might have a van. Like, “yeah, let’s hope he does. “Yeah, then he has a place to live… and lure children.” Did you know that, actually– this is true. This area of Colorado right around here in boulder has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? That’s true. I read it on Wikipedia. I mean, I put it in there, but I read it right afterwards… as an open-source coding check. I do, I creep people out a lot. I don’t mean to at all. I realized recently that sometimes when I’m excited about something, after I say it, I’ll go like this… don’t ever do that. That makes anything you’re saying sound, like, malicious or with malintent. Watch, I’ll show you. “Hey, what are you guys doing after the show?” What do I want to do to them after the show, you know? “Hey, man, can I borrow a stick of gum?” That gum ain’t for chewing. Even nice things. “Karen, congratulations. I heard you’re pregnant.” What am I gonna do, go up there and get it? And I have a friend. He creeps me out. Tell me if you have anybody like this. He winks at me a lot. Like, too much. Isn’t that weird? ‘Cause it’s 2011, and they’re not your uncle, you know? But he’ll wink, and sometimes it’ll make sense. And then other times, it won’t. So it’s very confusing. It’s like, “hey, do you want to hang out with those girls later? They’re down to party.” And I’ll be like, “yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. No, that sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” “Yeah, then maybe later, you and me can get some pizza.” “No, I don’t think I want to do that. Does that involve us having sexual intercourse?” “No.” I like that move, when a guy gets scared. I don’t think that there should be plants with leaves or foliage that hangs down in airports. I’ll explain why. Wouldn’t that be weird if I didn’t? I just moved on right after that. ‘Cause I feel like a lot of times I’m in airports, I’ll be texting, and I’ll move out of somebody’s way, and if a plant even just– even mildly touches, like, grazes any– [grunting] like, suddenly I know martial arts, you know? “Is it a fern or a ficus? Aim for the roots.” And I got to stop acting weird in airports in general really. ‘Cause it’s weird. I’m getting more recognizable now, you know, ’cause I’ve been in some movies. I’m not famous. I’m, like, the least famous you can be while still being considered sort of famous, you know? Like, I’m the level of celebrity where groups of guys at airports will kind of look over at me and whisper to each other and then kind of look back over. And I’m not sure if they recognize me or they want to gang-rape me in the men’s room. Either way, I’m flattered. Or sometimes I’ll get somebody who knows that they recognize me, but they can’t think of the movie or the TV show or whatever– they don’t know where they recognize me from. Yeah, now, that’s always a weird interaction. I don’t know if you’ve ever interacted with somebody who is simultaneously very excited to see you but also very upset and frustrated with themselves. That’s strange, like, “hey, oh, you’re the guy– “oh, this is so–oh, this is great, so you’re from– “you’re the guy from– goddamn it! “Hold on a second. Don’t you tell me! “I’m gonna think of it. Hold on one second. “Son of a bitch, Trevor! Don’t– “all right, you tell me everything that you’ve been in. “I’ll tell you everything I’ve seen. “Then we’ll match it up, and then I’ll decide if it’s worth taking a picture.” Which, by the way, if you want to take a picture with me, you know, for whatever reason, you’re welcome to, but take a practice shot. I know that sounds weird, but so often, I’ll be posing, like, with a girl, and her boyfriend will be using her camera, and he won’t know how to use it, and so then I’m posing, and you know, she’s, you know, standing next to me, like… “press the button. “Press the– the button on the front. “Press the– fine, press the other– “press the one that looks like a camera. “Press the– “press–fine, press the one button that you haven’t pressed. “Why don’t you try pressing that? “What don’t you press that button? “He’s so stupid. He cheated on me in July. Press the button!” Then it’s just me like… got to wet that whistle, you know? One time I had a guy– this guy approached me at the airport, and he goes, “hey, you look familiar.” And I said, “yeah, well, you might have seen me in, like, some movies or on tv or something.” He goes, “nah, what high school did you go to?” And I was like, “east high.” And he was like–
all right, yeah. He was equally excited. And I said, “east high.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah, me too.” And I said, “well, I didn’t say the state or the city, and it’s named after a direction,” and he goes, “did you run track and field?” And I said, “no, I didn’t, so maybe it’s Chelsea lately.” He goes, “me neither. What was your best friend’s name?” And I was like, “it was Lloyd, but i–” then he goes, “I’m Lloyd.” And that’s how I reconnected with my best friend from high school. [Applause] don’t be presumptuous. There are good things about becoming a little bit more recognizable. I now have a rider, so that’s what I require, or I won’t perform, you know. Like, you know, some people have, like, no brown m&m’s or whatever. So I have, like, you know, a stool and water and everything, but I also put some things in there just for me, you know, just for fun. Like, I require– it says in the rider– a terrible turkey sandwich, and then, in parentheses, it says, “open to interpretation.” And then, either a real pinata or a hand-drawn picture of a pinata. Now, I do this for a couple of reasons. One, I think it’s hilarious. Two, it’s not very hard. You know, I mean, I had this girl come up to me once and– at a college, and she goes, “oh, my god. “I am so sorry. All they had was ham sandwiches. So I got you a ham sandwich. Is that okay?” I said, “a ham sandwich? “That’s a pretty terrible turkey sandwich. I like the way you’re interpreting things.” And then, if you can’t– you know, if you can’t buy me a real pinata, then anyone can draw a pinata. And if you can’t, then I’ll refuse to perform, like I did in upstate New York at Elmira college for 25 minutes. And let me tell you this, if you have never had a 22-year-old begrudgingly draw you a pinata… I recommend it. It’s a lot of fun. “Here, you happy? You want your little game, T.J.? Here. You happy?” “But where will he hang from?” And then sometimes people give me really cool pinatas, and I always take them home, and you got to carry them on the plane, ’cause you can’t check a pinata. That should be a t-shirt. But I was at this small airport. It was, like, you know, maybe two gates, 25 passengers, and I went into the bathroom, and when I came out, there was a TSA agent, and she was already mad at me. Never met me. Already. “Sir, excuse me. Do you have all your belongings?” I said, “yeah, I think–” “really? “Those aren’t your belongings over there? Those aren’t your belongings?” And I just look over, and my belongings that she was talking about was just this single, solitary, lonely pinata, like… “what did I do?” You know? I believe he was Ecuadorian. And I said, “oh, yeah. That’s mine. I just, like, couldn’t carry it into the bath–” she goes, “sir, if you don’t have your belongings with you, “we’re forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And I said, “okay, yeah, I just–i didn’t have–” she goes, “sir, forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And she was being so rude, I couldn’t help it. I was just like, “you should know this. “First of all, I don’t care about those belongings. “I don’t know why you’re making it plural. “Are you counting the legs separately? “So you can confiscate it, and two, you should know “that if you destroy those belongings, you’re gonna get a lot of candy.”
She didn’t find that very funny. I have a problem right now with anybody who has a small modicum of authority over you, but then they exert more control than they need to because it makes them feel important, and it’s not just the tsa. For instance, recently I was trying to pay by credit card at a haunted house. And the girl said, “I’m gonna need to see some i.d.” and I couldn’t find my i.d., and I said, “look, I’m so sorry, “but these are all my friends, and I said I would pay, “so you could you just– can you make an exception this one time?” And she goes, “sorry. No credit card, no i.d.” which didn’t make any sense at all. In fact, that was the opposite of what was happening. I didn’t think it was a good time to bring that up. So I said, “look, I know that. “I understand that’s the protocol, “but you’re the only person here, you know, so maybe you could make an–” I mean, she wasn’t the only person there. That would be a terrible haunted house. She’s just like, “here’s your change. “Hold on for just a little bit. “Come on back! “Ah! Wait here, like, 20, 30.” But she was the only person that had to, like, you know, follow through with that rule, so she didn’t let us in, so as I left, I just turned to her, and I went, “so let me just get all this straight, okay? “So you’re telling me you won’t let me pay for my friends “and I to go into your establishment “because I don’t have i.d. for a credit card “that you’re concerned I stole “and headed straight to the haunted house? “I just found a credit card, and I was like, ‘free money! “‘What do we do, electronics? No, let’s get scared with our friends for 25 minutes!'” and I was really pissed too, you know, because I don’t get scared by movies anymore, you know, or the dark or spiders. It’s mostly just haunted houses and then Stephen King novels. Do you guys get scared by those? Are those scary?
Yeah, if you don’t think so, then you’re wrong, and you need to think about your own life. I’m sorry, that’s this catchphrase that I’m trying to get to catch on, you know? But it doesn’t really fit anywhere, you know. Think about your own life. Anyway… but Stephen King novels, they really–they do. They scare me. They’re so scary, I think he’s got to get scared while he’s writing them. Do you think? Do you think he’s ever, like, “oh, god. “Oh, Jesus Christ. “What will I write next? Ah!” They’re so scary, sometimes I don’t even want to turn the page, you know? I just want to throw the book out the window. Or if I’m in a room with no windows, I want to run into another room and throw it out of that window. Or if I’m in a house with no windows, I want to run downstairs and throw it out of the front door. Or if I’m in a house with no windows and no doors, that’s scary. How did I get in there? I’m not a very cool guy. I’m really not. I know this because what do cool guys do when they get a corona, huh? What do they do with the lime? They’ll press the lime down into the bottle, and then they turn the bottle upside down so that the lime slowly floats upwards to the bottom of the bottle, and by they turn it back around, usually they’re having sex with a woman. I always try and do that. I’m like, “oh, yeah, you’re going back to nursing– hold on a second. I got a corona, so–” [mimics liquid splashing] and whenever I ask advice about how to kind of act more smooth in certain situations, people always give me similar– like, do you ever have anybody say to you, “just do your thing”? “Just do your thing, man. Don’t worry about it, T.J. just do your thing. Just do your thing.” I don’t want to do that. Because my thing is this: that’s a weird thing. Don’t tell me to do that. That’s not gonna help me in any situation. I am kind of a strange guy, as I mentioned. I want to tell a story to illustrate that. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, was throwing — [laughter] see, this is why comedians don’t open up to audiences. ‘Cause we get slapped in the face. She was throwing away her tennis outfit. You guys know what that is. It’s a matching skirt and tank top used in the recreational play and competition of tennis. So she was getting rid of it, and I said, “do you think that will fit me?” And she said, “yeah, I think it’s elastic.” So I tried it on, and it fit, and I kept it for whenever I got high. ‘Cause it was comfortable, and it looked hilarious. And one time we were all hanging out, and my cousin came over, and I was wearing the tennis outfit, and he goes, “hey, you know what you should do? You should go downstairs to the corner of sunset and vine”– which is a very busy intersection where I live in Los Angeles. And he’s like, “and you should smoke a cigarette “in that outfit. I dare you.” And I was like, “you dare me? What are we, 15? Let’s do this thing.” So I went downstairs, but it’s Hollywood, so nobody was really weirded out by it. But then, as I was about to finish, this group of thuggish youths, you know, approached, like young rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells, no-goodniks, not-as-good-as-the-otherses. It’s a phrase that never caught on in the ’30s. They were approaching, and I knew they were gonna yell something at me. You know when kids are like, “hey! Hey!” You know, you know it. You know it. So I wanted to head them off at the pass. I wanted to yell something at them first, but I’m not mean or tough. I’m just weird, so I was like, “what is the weirdest thing “that a full-grown man in a tennis outfit could yell at a group of thuggish youths?” So this is what I did as they approached. Like, “hey! Hey!” Before they could yell anything, just full tennis outfit, I turned, and I went: “[clears throat] faggots!”
[Cheers and applause]
But here’s the thing, I was immediately punished for yelling that, because as I turned to run into my building because I’m a coward and I didn’t want them to kill me, I remembered that tennis outfits don’t have pockets, so I didn’t have the keys to my thing, so I was just left outside my building knocking, thinking, “this is gonna be the weirdest obituary ever.” But they didn’t kill me, thank goodness. Um… all they did was– the toughest-looking kid, this is what he yelled. He just goes, “you too old, you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!” Which, I think I win that round. Here’s why. Let’s imagine him telling the story later. “Yo, so we was walking down the street, right? “And there was this dude in a– “full-grown guy, you know, tennis outfit. “You know, matching skirt and tank top “used in the recreational play and competition of tennis? “So he looked at us, and he was like, ‘heh-heh, faggots!’ “No, he– no, he yelled that at us. “What do you mean what was I wearing? “I was wearing this. “So anyway, we walked by, and I was like, ‘you too old, “you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!’ “What do you mean too old to what? “Too old to wear a tennis outfit. You got to cut that shit out at 23.” I used to live in chicago, and I was in new york for a little while. [Scattered applause] yeah, there it is. That’s the softest excitement for chicago–
“I used to live in chicago.” Three or four people were like, “[weakly] yeah. “I feel neutral about that. “It was just more of an opportunity to let air out of my body.” I like public transit, because you get to interact with people that you would never interact with otherwise, you know? The best thing I ever saw, on the train in chicago, there’s was this kid. He had his shirt up above his nipples, and he was going like this: and I admired his freedom. But his father thought he was a funny guy, and he goes– loud enough so that everybody could hear–he goes, “uh-oh. “You know what happens to people with exposed bellies. Belly slap!” And then he slapped the kid’s belly, like, really, really hard, though. Like, the kid was like… “[grunting]” so I wanted to say something. So I just walked up to the father, and I went, “excuse me, sir. “You gave your word. Slap it.” They got off at the next stop. I followed them home. I lived with that family for two years. One thing I do not miss about being on public transportation is, I hate making eye contact with anybody under the age of three. Do you guys hate that? You ever lock eyes with a baby or a toddler? ‘Cause they don’t look away. They haven’t learned that yet, you know? So you’ll be like, “hey, little buddy.” And they’re like: and then eventually, you look away, ’cause you’re a person with manners. But if you look back, they’re just still staring. So I always make a face, ’cause I feel like that’s what I would have wanted when I was a little baby, you know? Lock eyes with a stranger. Make a little face, and I look at him, and I go: [hissing] which is difficult to explain if a mother catches you doing it. All right. Let’s do some short jokes. These will be fun. I got called a gaywad recently. Gay wad. Some guy yelled at me from his truck. That’s great. One gay isn’t enough for me. I’m a wet clump of homosexuality. Is this gay, though? Last week, I roofied a girl. Yeah. But when she was passed out, I just redid her hair. It looked terrible. You guys like to play with words? I’m dyslexic. And I got really depressed about it recently, so I ended up slitting my ankles. I left a suicide note. It said, “see you later, crocodiles.” Called somebody an Indian giver recently. They were really offended, so I had to take it back. My name is T.J. Miller. I’m tired of being called “t-gay butt-filler.” So let’s cut that out, specifically on the internet. I want to be known by my christian name, butt fucker. That’s what my boyfriend christian calls me. I’m not gay, but that’s a great joke. Don’t get in the way of your own fun. Sometimes I can tell immediately when I meet someone that we’ll never be good friends because of something that they say. Like, if when you like something, you say “cool beans”– like, “cool beans. That’s cool beans.” Then us being good friends is not cool beans with me. If you still think it’s still funny to say, “guess what. Chicken butt.” Guess what. We’ll never be good friends. If you say, “that is so random. How random is that? That is, like, so random.” You’re right; that’s very random. But you know what’s consistent? The fact that we’ll never be good friends. And if we’re in the car and you say, “ooh, look at the clock. It’s 11:11. Make a wish.” And 30 seconds later, you’re still alive, my wish didn’t come true, and we’ll never be good friends. I like to go up to girls sometimes and go like this: “so sarah and I were– excuse me. “My eyes are up here. “They’re not down here. They’re up here. “I know I have glitter here. You look up here. Now slap it.” I like long island iced teas.
I like long island iced teas because they’re more of a statement than they are a drink. You know, the bartender’s saying, “what will you have?” And you’re saying, “all of it. “I’ll take all of it. Put it in a tall weird glass. “With a splash of coca-cola so no one can see how lonely I am inside.” Mimosas are fun too, because if you’re drinking champagne at 8:00 a.m., you’re an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice, it’s just an early brunch. But beware of this, okay? Some places will advertise bottomless mimosas. Let me just say this, okay? From personal experience, if by 10:00 a.m. you’re so drunk that you’re physically forcing your waiter to wear the french toast hat that you made him, you’ve reached the bottom of those mimosas. You’ve reached the rock bottom. [Cheers and applause] I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles. [Cheers] It’s for anxiety. Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
So let’s clear that right up. I got kicked out of the party store for partying. That doesn’t seem fair. They should call it the unfun streamer store where you’re not allowed to break-dance and funnel gin and tonics store. I’m so excited to tell this next joke. Hey, have you guys ever been to a big lots? It looks like a target just got looted. It’s fun. Sometimes when I’m talking to a guy with a short man complex– you know those guys with a napoleon complex that won’t let you get a word in edgewise? When I’m listening to them, I like to go like this… “uh-huh. Sure. “Really? Okay. “And then what happened? “No. “Well, where was sarah? “What did she say? “No. “Tell me more about that. “Really? Uh-uh.” And then when I’m shorter than them, I just go, “how’s the weather up there?” And I punch them in the dick. [Cheers and applause] that joke’s even better on paper. My friend said to me, “T.J., you’re more of a word man. Me, not so much as much.” I said, “yeppers, yepppers, johnny deppers.” You can use that. I’d like to “pre-face” this next joke by saying that I don’t know the correct “pro-nown-ciation” of the word “prefikay.” So I was reading the “profuse” of this book the other day, and I was like, “this is so long, it needs its own ‘prefachay.'” pronunciation of the word preface joke didn’t go that well, huh? That’s okay. I got other stuff. Hey, what do gay horses eat? All: hey! – Horse dick. Oh, you like that one better? Yeah? Just getting the intellectual barometer of the room. This guy. I like late laughers, you know? Guys that are thinking a little bit about it, decide to return to the laughter. [Laughs] [laughs] but I’m not making fun of your laugh. I want you to know that–at all. ‘Cause I hate it when people make fun of people’s laughs. It’s such a terrible thing. You ever had anybody make fun of your laugh? That’s basically like saying, “hey, you know that sound “that you make when you’re happy and joyful “and the tragedy and sadness that permeates our lives “is temporarily set aside for a moment of euphoria? “Yeah, you sound stupid. You should stop doing that.” And when we first started dating, karen used to say that she hated when I would laugh really hard, because she said it sounded like I wanted to kill her. You know how snoop dogg says you got to drop it like it’s hot? Well, I dropped that like it was any temperature. [Maniacal laughter] I’m gonna kill you. Sorry. Ugh. This woman wouldn’t let me hold her baby the other day, because she said I was too drunk. Okay, first of all, don’t bring your baby into the bar. Am I right? And second of all, if I’m drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever say something and you regret it right afterwards? Like I just did, yeah. You want to hear the worst thing that I ever said? This is so awful. I was at this party, and this girl came over, and she went into the bathroom, and I don’t know why, but I turned to my friend, and I go, “[wincing] looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel.” And he was like, “she did get hit in the face with a shovel.” And I was like, “sorry.” And he’s like, “T.J., you hit her in the face with a shovel. “Three weeks ago, you were burying treasure, and she scared you.” And that’s true. She came out of nowhere. I don’t care if you– I don’t care if you like my comedy or if you think I’m funny. It doesn’t matter to me, because after the show, I’m probably gonna get a little bit of this. Maybe some of this. Some of this. Or if I’m really lucky, tonight will be the night I’ll get what I’ve always been looking for, a little bit of this. You know what’s weird about that one, those of you that didn’t like it don’t know why. Some of my best thinking is done in my shirt that says, “Idaho? You da ho.” I was thinking about how language truly is a elastic, isn’t it? Even changing one letter can change the semantics of a word, and then I had a totally separate thought. I was thinking about how our perception of our own bodies is much more important than other people’s perception of our bodies. Isn’t that true? And I was thinking about that when I was wearing my shirt that says, “this is ain’t a beer belly. It’s a gas tank for a fuck machine.” So I guess what I’m saying is, t-shirts can tell you a lot about a person and how they think. For instance, I saw a guy. He was wearing a shirt that said, “warning, choking hazard.” And then there was an arrow pointing down. And that tells you a few things about that guy. One, he’s got a killer sense of humor. Am I right? Two, he’s concerned with other people’s safety. That’s a bonus. And three, he’s a date rapist. So don’t talk to him. I feel like those are the guys that write bathroom graffiti. I don’t know. How many of you are enthusiastic about bathroom graffiti? I think it’s nice for somebody to take time out of what they’re doing to write something for us to read while we’re doing what they were doing. But I find it’s often exaggerated, you know? It’s hyperbole for effect. So I carry a sharpie marker, and I’ll add to it underneath to make it more truthful. So you know, somebody will write, like, “Florida state sucks.” And underneath, I’ll write, “mostly because of budgetary restrictions.” You know, or they’ll write, “Sarah’s a slut.” And underneath, I’ll write, “because her parents didn’t “give her enough attention, she seeks out male attention in negative ways.” That’s true. Or somebody will write, “for a good time, call this number.” And I’ll cross out the number and put mine, and then I’ll cross out the word good and put, “weird.” And then I’ll cut out two little eye holes right above it, so when they’re finished reading, and I just pop up and go: can you guys imagine if I had ketchup bottles instead of legs? Take a moment and imagine that. If I had ketchup bottles for legs. Look at that. Now, how many of you in here, when you imagined my legs of ketchup bottles, imagined the fat base of the bottle where my feet would be? By round of applause, how many people? Yes? [Applause] so you’re all people that I would consider to be friends, and you’re reasonable individuals, okay? Now how many of the rest of you live in a fanciful world, and you imagined that I had the little white caps as my shoes?
Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that’s physically possible. I can’t balance on those little cippy-cappy. Tip-toppers. Okay? As soon as I get any speed going, I’m gonna trip. My legs are gonna shatter everywhere. Here’s another weird thing about the human mind. Now everybody imagine me with wings on my head. Imagine that. We all imagined the same thing, this, right? Nobody imagined this. ‘Cause it hurts your nose. I’ve been practicing introducing myself as someone named Tim Gregory. Here are my top three favorites. Hi, I’m Tim Gregory. Put here there, right there. Yo, what’s up? It’s me, Timmy G. Tim Gregory. Whoa–i didn’t notice you there, lurking in the shadows. Are you a ninja? Just kidding. I’m Tim. So those are my three favorites. If you can think of any better ones, send me a Facebook message, but don’t ever tell me to Facebook you, ’cause I’ll just hit you in the face with a book. Well, we can all agree. Denver-boulder likes to fucking party. [Cheers and applause] as I mentioned before, I recently got divorced from my wife of– ex-wife now. I keep saying wife. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, and– you know, whenever you split from someone, we always want to blame the other person, don’t we? We do. But it’s always both people’s fault. I had my part in it, you know? I was irresponsible. I didn’t always keep my word, you know? I asked questions that I didn’t really want to know the answer to. Like, guys, don’t do this. I asked her what she thought about the size of… you know. And she said it was just right. That’s what she said, just right. Yeah, that’s great. Let’s all think about that as a group. That means she’s had a lot smaller. She’s also had a lot bigger. But I ended up being just right. She’s like goldilocks. She tried everything. But the porridge was penises. She’s the goldilocks of dicks. She’s goldi-cocks. Ladies, you should know I’m all head, no shaft. All head, no shaft. Looks like a portabella mushroom smashed my dick. Got one of them shiitake cocks. Super Mario 1-up dick. A girl goes down on me, she gets an extra guy. That’s weird. Now, I realize that I may have alienated some of you with that last piece of material. And I want to apologize, but rather than push you away, I was actually trying to help you by bringing you closer to me. And you’re probably thinking, “T.J., how is that possible?” Well, what do we do when something goes wrong in our lives? What do we say? Fml, right? F. My life. Fuck my l. Or whatever you want to say. But hopefully the next time that something bad happens to you, you’ll stop yourself. You’ll say, “fm– hold on a second. “You know, T.J. Miller came on stage, “and he opened up to us about a condition that he had “where he was primarily head and very little shaft. “And no matter how bad things get for me, at least in college, “they didn’t use to call me ‘old broccoli dick.'” now, I tried to make the best of it, okay? I tried to make lemons out of lemonade. That’s very difficult. That’s the wrong order in which to do that. You got to freeze the lemonade into little frozen lemon ball sphere– I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, my tale is a tale of inspiration and hope. Because with enough hard work and dedication, I was in yogi bear 3-d.
[Cheers and applause]
I am pleased to say that I made enough money that I got an operation down there, and now it looks a little bit more like this: my penis has a metal base, and the head is detachable. And it amplifies your voice, which makes for very confusing fellatio. But you know, Karen had her issues too. [Sighs] she had trust issues, you know? She went through my email. Do we have any girls in here that go through their guys’ email? – [Whistling] [scattered cheers] – do we have any girls in here that are sitting as completely still so as not to betray the fact that they– and why would she do that? And did you guys like that move when I almost hit the stool? That was pretty good. I almost hit the stool. I was about to back into it, but instead I did a little pirouette, and now everything’s fine, and if I had just not mentioned it, we would have been good. She did. She went through my emails. Why would you do that? Why would you go through someone’s email? Did she find what she was looking for? Did she find some email that was like, “hey, it’s me, T.J. “read all this in whisper tone. “I love cheating on you with my girlfriend, okay? “All righty, I got to go. She’s sitting right next to me. Love you more than her, T.J.” no, of course not, okay. And she even went through past emails, you know? She went through emails that I had sent to a college girlfriend, and why would she do that? Was she just like, “i want to have a terrible week,” you know? She came to me– this is true– and she said, “you know what? “You’re an unoriginal jerk. “Everything that you’ve said to me, you’ve said to some other girl.” And I felt awful, but I was like, “yeah. Of course.” There’s only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you’re gonna run out and be like, “garbage truck, banana boat.” Did she want me to make up– – inconsiderate fuck! [All gasping] – oh, see, so– so as I was saying earlier, before a girl during my comedy central hour special got up and went, “you’re an inconsiderate fuck!”
Oh, god. She had a back tattoo that in Chinese, I think, said, “sorry.” [Cheers and applause] it said– actually, I read the whole thing. It said, “sorry, I’m sure you thought this was going to be better.” [Cheers] so as I was saying, you know, when Karen went through my emails and she said how unoriginal I was, I mean, what did she want me to do? Did she want me to make up words? I would have, you know? I loved her. You know. I would have gone up to her and said, “hey, listen to me. “I love you so much, but I would never say that, “because I’ve said it before. “Instead, I want to tell you “that you’re absolutely ‘fadaktuyaputs,’ “and when we’re together, it is so ‘shapunkayoots.’ “And I’ve never said any of this to anybody before. “But when we make love, it is absolutely… [speaking nonsense syllables]” no, ’cause she was a pessimist. She probably would have said, “you probably said that to some native american girl.” I travel a lot now. One of the ways that I make it better is, you know whenever a plane lands, the pilot will get on the p.a. system and go, “united airlines would like to be the first to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado. “We appreciate your business, and we hope you’ll fly with us again.” What I like to do is, right before we’re about to touch down, I just yell, “welcome to Denver!” ‘Cause they have to get on and go, “[sighs] “well, now he said it, so I can’t say it. “He already said it. “You shut up, Glenn. You’re the copilot. “United airlines would like to be the second to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado, thanks to passenger 19b who had 15 scotch and sodas and fell asleep in the bathroom.” That’s a true story, that last part.
[Cheers and applause]
I live in southern California. In northern California, a young couple tried to sell their baby in a Walmart parking lot for $50. – Yeah! – Now, before you freak out– and definitely don’t yell “yeah” like that guy did. That guy was like, “yeah! Oh, nope. No. I’m not in a safe place.” Before you freak out, the couple was definitely meth heads. They were definitely meth heads. I know this because I looked up their picture online, and you know when you’ve been doing meth and you’ve been scratching your face all day ’cause it feels so good, and you’re like, “i got to stop scratching my face, otherwise it’s gonna start bleeding,” but it feels so good that you’re like, “i just want to scratch it one more time,” so you make a deal with yourself where you’re like, “okay, I can just scratch it one more time really, really good, and then I won’t scratch it again,” but then you start scratching, and you’re like, “I’m gonna keep scratching.” And then you start bleeding profusely? That’s when they took the picture. But I’m not concerned with the sale of babies. You’ll find that out about me if we become better friends. And I’m also not too concerned with meth use until I heard this story, because meth is now– that’s a terrible drug because of what it does to your mind in terms of understanding the value of a baby and how to sell a baby. $50? First of all, they picked the wrong sales location, and that’s everything. A Walmart parking lot? No one is walking into a Walmart excited about their life and wanting to add more people to it. If anything, they’re there because they can’t stop adding people to their life. Think about it. Have you ever walked into Walmart and been like, “all my dreams are coming true”? No. Okay. If anything, you’re there ’cause you keep accidentally adding more lifes to your life. But let’s just pretend for a second that somebody would wake up that morning, and they’re like, “oh, I wish I had a baby, but I don’t have a girlfriend or a wife, and I would buy one, but that’s illegal, so I guess I’ll just go to Walmart.” And then, as they’re walking to Walmart, they’re approached by a young meth head couple, and they were like, “hey, you want to buy a baby?” “Yes, I do. There is a deity. How much for the baby?” “$50.” “What’s wrong with the baby? “$50? Is the baby on clearance? Are they rolling back baby prices?” Can we all agree, okay, human life is priceless, right? But a baby is worth at least $1,200. Well, $1,300 if it’s Puerto Rican. [Moaning] you know, a lot of you reacted negatively to the last part of that joke, but if you’d listened carefully, I overvalued the Puerto Rican baby by $100. So if when I said that the general baby was $1,200 and the Puerto Rican child was $1,300 and you went, “ugh,” you’re racist. Think about your own life.
[Cheers and applause]
Okay, i’d like to do some characters for you guys. These are really short and strange, so if you didn’t like the more abstract material, then you’re definitely not gonna like this, but just bear with me. It’ll all be over soon. This first character, this is, like, a hip-hop guy, but when he laughs, he laughs like a young Asian schoolgirl. “Yo, what’s up? You going to the club later? “Yeah, I’m about to hit that up. “If I’m lucky, I’ll be hitting something else up later on, “you know what I’m saying? [Tittering]” this next character… this is a guy who doesn’t know how to use the word “clusterfuck” correctly. “Hey, you know that waitress I was with last night? Totally clusterfucked her.” This next character, this is a guy who– whenever he’s trying to think of something, he hums to himself, but the only music he’s ever heard is heavy metal. “How long have I lived here? I have to think about that. [Humming aggressively] oh, about six months.” Thank you. This next character, this is guy whose favorite bar is a gay bar, but he doesn’t know that it’s a gay bar. “You guys want to go to my favorite place? “Yeah, it’s called the man hole. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. “You can take off your shirt if it gets hot, “and they have holes in the bathroom stalls “so you can play tricks on each other, like, ‘what are you doing in there?'” this next character, this is a robot who’s about to get busy on the dance floor by doing the person. “All right, let’s do this thing. “I’m gonna do the person. I have emotions, and I need to eat to live.”
[Cheers and applause]
This is a girl whose orgasm face, her “o” face, is completely neutral. “Oh, my gosh. Oh. Oh, this is amazing. “Oh, right there. Right there. “Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. “[Moaning] oh, my god. That was amazing.” This is a guy who’s really pushy about whether or not you want a bite of his banana. “Hey, you want a bite of this or not? “I’m not asking a second time. “You want potassium in your diet, “or do you want to get a foot cramp tonight? “Time’s ticking. [Muffled] fuck you.” And this is guy who’s impotent, but that doesn’t stop him from talking really dirty in the bedroom. “Oh, yeah, you want some of this soggy churro, huh? “Come get some of this limp, broken baby’s arm. Let’s see if we can get this wet noodle al dente.” That was too much probably. Yeah. Sorry. Was probably too much. Oh, then you’re definitely not gonna like this one. So this a girl that, whenever she gets her period, she talks about it a lot, because she thinks it’s really cute and funny, but it’s not. It’s her period, and it’s private, and she doesn’t need to talk about it all the time. “Okay, you guys, I have to go to the little girl’s room. “Yeah, a little visit from aunt Flo. “It’s a crimson wave down there, so save me some calamari. “No marinara, though. I brought my own.” [Explosion]
[cheers and applause]
[alarm sounding] [gunfire] So this next character… this is a girl who’s in Las Vegas, and she desperately wants to use the slogan for Las Vegas, but she doesn’t know how or why or when to use it. “Hey, you guys, I have a boiled egg in my panties. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” This next character, this is a comedian who probably should have quit while he was ahead.
[Cheers and applause]
This is a southern belle who’s very unattractive, so when she walks down the street, she has to whistle at herself to get people’s attention. “[Whistling] “why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer. “Here’s a camera. “Thanks. Bye-bye now. “Whoops, caught you– “whoops, caught you looking– excuse me. Whoops, caught you looking.” Okay. This is a girl who set out to have a fun time for the evening but ended up just ruining it for everybody. “You’re an inconsiderate asshole.”
[Cheers and applause]
This is a guy who, whenever something goes right for him, he celebrates, but for too long and in the wrong way. “Hey, did you guys hear “the Miami heat covered the spread? “Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! Notice the arms!” Thank you–
[cheers and applause]
All right, so just want to tell you guys one more story. Sorry there’s so much confetti on you. This guy’s covered in confetti. How often does that happen, though? Wouldn’t it be weird if you were like, “pretty much every day.” He’s had the weirdest life. So I want to tell one last story. This is a true story. I really like making a face when I get my driver’s license photo taken, but it’s illegal in California. You’re not allowed to do that. I know, because I called, and I asked, and they said if you make a face, then they have to retake the photograph, and if you do it three times, then you don’t get your license for the day. And I was really bummed out, but then I came up with what I think is one of the best ideas that I’ve ever had. What are they gonna do if you walk into the dmv already making the face? Now, you got to pick a face that doesn’t look like you’re making a face, but you still want to look weird, so the one I went with was this one. ‘Cause there’s people that look like that. And that’s what I held for and hour and 25 minutes. That’s true. This is true. I went through every single line. I did. I was like, “here you go. [Mumbling]” I wasn’t even sitting. I was just crouching. Then it came time to go to the photography line, so I went all the way through, and I gave them my stuff. I was like, “here you go.” Which, I don’t know why I changed my voice. I didn’t need to. I guess I just thought it matched, but the guy in the photography line– this is all true– he wasn’t even looking. He was on the computer, and when he looked up and saw my face, I swear to god, he went like this. He goes… “[gasps]” now, I realize I’m the one creating the mischief here, but if your reflexive reaction to a strange-looking individual is… “[gasps]” perhaps don’t work in the photography section of the dmv. So my paperwork was all in order. All he could say was, “okay, go stand behind the white line,” and as I turned, I began to laugh, and I had to compose myself, because I remembered that the only thing that he can say to me when it came time to take a photograph was “smile.” And I realized that this guy… when he smiles, can look real weird. So I got ready to take the photograph, you know. I stood behind the white line. I was like… the guy’s like, “okay, you all set?” I’m like, “[muffled] uh-huh. Yeah.” He’s like, “okay… smile.” [Mimics flash bulb popping] that’s what’s on my California driver’s license. [Cheers and applause] thank you guys very much. That concludes the show, but before I saw good-bye, I just want to say… hell yeah it is. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much.
[Cheers and applause]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ freedom of speech here, no censure ♪ ♪ but don’t diss the city or the thunderdome you enter ♪ ♪ talk shit about her ♪ trust that I’ll defend her ♪ ♪ attack Denver, your weapons we render ♪ – ♪ useless – ♪ chug coors, tip the bartender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ address unknown ♪ return to Denver ♪ only go to gay pride when I’m on a bender ♪ ♪ ain’t like Texas women ♪ ♪ don’t have to guess the gender ♪ ♪ rocky mountain oysters, I’ll eat it if it’s tender ♪ ♪ you’d eat bull’s balls too if you had human balls, wendell ♪ – ♪Denver, Denver ♪ ♪ fuck you, wendell♪ – ♪ girls hot are hot trans fat or transgender ♪ ♪ if you’re daughter’s bad at school ♪ ♪ they’re gonna suspend her ♪ ♪ prep a deep tan in pueblo ♪ pretender ♪ we got the rocky mountains in all of their splendor ♪ ♪ but not rocky, ’cause we are a contender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ Atlanta’s where they players play ♪ ♪ but they live in Denver ♪ rather drive stoned, avoid a fender bender ♪ ♪ want to marry holly but obsessed with kendra ♪ ♪ went to war with Texas ♪they surrendered ♪ ♪ what’s more, all that stuff ♪ ♪ about us eating Texan babies is folklore ♪ ♪ we do drink their blood though ♪ ♪ seriously, fuck a bunch of Texans-er ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ I grabbed your ass ’cause it was looking tender ♪ ♪ don’t send me to jail ♪ ♪ I’m a first-time offender ♪ ♪ go ahead ♪assign a public defender ♪ ♪ ’cause our lawyers are the fucking bomb, y’all ♪
Have a dope-ass legal representation! [Grunting] Legal eagles and legal beagles, y’all! Don’t forget what you heard! Go forth and spread the word, y’all! Denver, Colorado! Ballerado! 303 dopest lawyers in the country, yo! One time for J. Kent miller. Doin’ law, ya’ll! Check it! You know how those Colorado lawyers do, what! They always got to back up to drink, man! Why? ‘Cause they just passed the bar, y’all!
T.J., god damn it. You rhymed “tender” with “Denver” like six times.
More like three.
That’s still a lot.