A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
[crowd cheers] [background song] Thank you so much. Thank you. That is lovely energy. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for being here, Seattle. So it’s been 15 years since I’ve done stand-up and when I decided to do this special a friend of mine was at my house and I told him: “I’m going to do stand up again.” And he said: “Really?” And I said: “Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really.” But it was really. And I said: “Yes, why?” And he said: “Well, do you think you’re still relatable?” And… [crowd laughs] I said: “Yes, I do think I’m still relatable. I’m a human being.” He said: “Well, I mean, your life has changed so much.” And… I said: “I know but I still think I’m relatable.” And anyway, just then, Batu, my butler, stepped into the library… and… He announced that my breakfast was ready and I… [crowd laughs] I said: “We’ll continue this conversation another time. This is… ridiculous.” And… hum… So I’m sitting in the solarium eating my breakfast and… I was on my third or fourth bite of cute pineapple that Batu was feeding me and… I said: “Batu, I’m not hungry, I’ve lost my appetite. My friend has really upset me by what he said.” And… he said: “Well then, I shall draw you a bath ma’am.” And… I said: “You don’t have to announce it all the time. Just draw the bath.” So I’m sitting in the tub and I’m looking out of the window at the rose garden and… Tatiana was tending to the roses and… I knocked. “Ma’am.” And… anyway. I get out of the tub and Batu had forgotten to put the towel next to the tub. Again! And… So, I had to do that bathmat scoot all the way across… the bathroom to get to the towel. And, it’s a big– You can imagine how big the bathroom is. It’s like… [crowd laughs] Doing the bathmat scoot. And then I stopped and I was like: “Oh my God… this is relatable.” [crowd claps]
People do the bathmat scoot when the butler forgets to put the towel next to the tub. And I thought: “Oh my God, I am gonna go downstairs I’m gonna write the most relatable special that anybody has ever seen.” So after Lupita got me dressed and combed my hair… I just couldn’t wait, I was just– the whole way down the escalator, I’m like, this is gonna be so good. So I get downstairs and my friend is still down wandering around in the hallway and I’m like: “What are you still doing here?” And he’s like: “I’m lost.” And I’m like: “Oh my God.” “How many times have I shown you the front door? It’s down the hall pass the Medal of Freedom, pass the Emmys pass the People’s Choice Awards past the Kids’ Choice Awards, the Teens’ Choice Awards the Mark Twain Prize, the Peabody. Take a left at the gift shop, and that is the front door.” I think people have a tendency… We look at somebody and we decide we know all about them. We put someone in a box so, you know I think everyone thinks that all celebrities live exactly the same. Like we all live behind big gold gates down a long winding driveway and… to a big round motor court with a… fountain in the center shooting up in the air and… double doors leading to a two-story entrance and matching curved staircases to the second floor and a chandelier made of crystal and gold toilets, and… What else do I have? [crowd laughs] Gold toilets…
We do… We have a tendency to stereotype people. This is… This is a true story. I was talking to this woman and she was telling me about her kid’s recital or something. You know, how people are, and… I said: “I gotta get going. I gotta get home to feed my cats.” And… She said: “Oh, how many cats do you have?” And I said: “Three.” And she goes: “Oh, you are a lesbian.” [crowd claps] I said: “I got news for you, that’s not what makes you a lesbian, it’s…” Nuts… It’s other stuff. It’s… I said: “I have three dogs. Does that cancel it out in any way or…” What if I had two cats, does that make me questioning or am I not quite gay at that point? I don’t know… I am still gay by the way. Still… Oh, thank you. [crowd cheers] Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I’m enjoying it. It’s… really working out for me now. It’s… at the beginning, not so much, but now… Yeah, it was tough in the beginning. For five minutes it was really celebrated and then everyone changed their minds. But I really… For a few minutes there it really seemed like it was going well and I thought everyone in Hollywood that’s closeted is gonna come out after me I pictured like a stampede of wild elephants like… every closeted actor and actress in Hollywood… But instead, they were like little meerkats coming out of their little meerkat closets. Just… “How’s this gonna go? Is she gonna be OK? Before I make a decision I wanna see how this is. Nope, not going well. I’m going down… back in… stay there for a little while.”
I just think, it would help if more people came out. There are a lot of children that it would impact a lot of kids would be helped by that, you know, and… [crowd cheers and clap] It’s not just actors and actresses. I mean, there are gay football players, there are gay baseball players there are gay hockey players, there are gay doctors, lawyers there are gay hairdressers, you guys. I just think when something is talked about and when you see representatives of whatever the subject is it demystifies it. People aren’t afraid of it anymore like… dandruff. I mean… People weren’t talking about dandruff. Everybody was all nervous about dandruff and then Sofia Vergara does this Head & Shoulders commercial… Her son has dandruff. He’s a handsome boy. We don’t care. He’s got dandruff. Nobody’s worried about talking about dandruff anymore, you know. Jen Aniston has dry eye. We know that now. [crowd laughs] She’s your friend, she’s my friend. She has dry eye and that’s okay. She’s actually… She is my friend and she hid that from me. I had to learn about it on the commercial. She was… ashamed. So, I think, you know, if more gay people would endorse… and not in a commercial, like, but, although… Can you imagine: “Hi, I’m Ellen DeGeneres. Now I’d like to talk to you about gay. Do you find yourself in love with, attracted to or just curious about the same sex? Maybe it’s time you try gay. [crowd laughs] [claps] You’ll notice the difference in as little as 48 hours. And I should know. I’m not just a spokesperson, I’m a gay. Side effects may include: Loss of family, loss of friends, unemployment.” [crowd laughs] [crowd claps]
Yep, unemployment is a side effect. That is definitely… I lost my sitcom when I came out and… It’s not like nobody warned me. I mean everybody warned me. My publicist, my agent, my manager anyone making money off of me said: “Don’t do it.” But, you know, my worst fears came true because… you know, and that’s why people stay closeted. The same people who loved me, overnight, just hated me. Just because they knew I was gay. Everything changed. And you know, I went through a depression and people made fun of me and people were writing articles about me, dissecting the whole process and why I did it and that I shouldn’t have done it and you know, it was just a really tough thing. It took three years for me to get back on television. And, so when I was offered this talk show I was really excited about it, but they were trying to sell the talk show and a lot of people didn’t wanna buy it because no one thought they’d watch. There was this one station manager, and this is a quote: “No one’s gonna watch it. No one’s gonna watch a lesbian during the day.” [crowd laughs] I said: “Well, they weren’t watching me at night. What time of day is good for… a lesbian?” So… [claps] Yeah, and then I get on the air in the first season. I’m sure you have it archived. if you look back at the first season. I kinda had to tone it down a little bit, I had to dress differently. I was, you know… My hair was different. I had to wear necklaces, crazy things, really. Just… “Is Ellen wearing a necklace? It’s very delicate. She may not be gay anymore, I don’t know. Does she still have the cats? She may not be gay.” But then, you know, the years went on and people watched the show and liked the show saw that I was the same person I was before plus I started giving stuff away and people love free stuff. Oh yeah! “I got a TV from the gay lady. I sure do like her.” Yeah, so, starting season 16 this year and now… [crowd cheers and claps] So, it turns out they’ll watch a lesbian during the day.
They… So, now everybody’s pretty cool with the fact I’m gay. Everybody’s fine with that. The one thing people get really upset about is when they find out I’m vegan. Oh boy. “You’re vegan? Where do you get your protein? Why do you care where I get my protein? [crowd laughs] [claps] Where do you get your riboflavin?” It’s hard to be vegan. If you go to a restaurant, unless it’s a vegan restaurant. they don’t know what to do. You know, you say: “I’m vegan. So well, then you can have the chicken? No can’t have the chicken. -I’ll get the asparagus. -Well, that comes with Parmesan cheese. Can you do it without? -Alright, I’ll just get the salad then. -Well, that’s soaked in ham juice. [crowd laughs] -Why? -That’s how we do it, don’t know.” I’m not really vegan, I say it for the joke. But I’m not… [crowd laughs] Oh, look… how happy you are. Oh my God, you’re so happy I’m not vegan. “Thank God, Ellen. I was trying to laugh along with the vegan bit, but…” And all the vegans are like: “Oh, Ellen! You were helping us for a minute there.” I was vegan for 8 years and I really do believe that is great for you. I was healthier than I’d ever been,
I love being vegan. But just in the last year or two for no reason, really. I just started eating a piece of fish once in a while and I’ll eat eggs from chickens that I know. You know what I mean? Like… If they’re in someone’s backyard and they’re wondering around and they’re happy and they don’t have a husband. Do you know what I’m saying? You know…. You know what I mean… You know what I mean, yeah.
Some of the restaurants are trying to figure out how to help vegans. There’s not a lot of option at most restaurants. But the fine dining. I love that phrase. “Fine dining.” “-How’s the dining? -Fine.” [crowd laughs] They try to be so fancy when you go into the “fine dining”. “Have you dined with us before? No, but I’ve dined in other places before. Something different gonna happen in here? Sit down and eat and pay and leave, right? OK. Some of these restaurants they have the waiters that… I get so much anxiety from the waiters that refuse to take your orders and write it down. They insist on memorizing your order. Oh my God, I have so much anxiety. I don’t know why they insist on doing it. like they’re impressing us in some way. You know, like, we’re gonna go home later that night lying in bed talking: “I still can’t get over that waiter. Oh. Every single thing, he remembered. Yep, the green beans. I thought about that too, on the side… Good night.” If I see they’re not gonna write it down. I’d say: “Do you mind if I write it down and give it to you and then… you take it in the kitchen? Is that okay? ‘Cause… I’d like it to come out right.” It’s just so… I’m filled with anxiety when they come up to the table and they just come up and: “And the lady will have? Thank you. And for the gentleman? Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll speak with the chef and… yes. And the green beans on the side. I’ll do that, thank you. And for you? [crowd laughs] Deathly allergic. Alright, I’ll remember that. Yes. No, deathly allergic. I got it right there, thank you. And next? Thank you. And this side of the table? [crowd laughs and claps] Excellent choice.” I hate when they say “excellent choice” right after me. Like: “What was my choice? It wasn’t…? Why? Why do you say that to her?”
Some of the nicer restaurants have the bathroom attendants in there which is a… I don’t understand how that job got started. That was somebody’s idea. I don’t know who started that. I don’t know if some person, a customer in the restaurant. “I’d like to speak to the manager. I’m the manager. Was there a problem with the meal, everything OK? Everything was fine, thank you. Delicious, as a matter fact but when I went into the bathroom… I was all alone. Nobody was in there. Alright, so you would like someone to go in with you? No. I’d like someone already in there before I get in there waiting…. listening. [crowd laughs] The bathroom attendant used to be a simple thing. There was a woman in there and there was a hair brush and some mints by the way, who’s using that hairbrush? That’s… There’s hair in it already and you just… Now, it’s like, it’s grown. It’s like, now, there’s anything you could possibly want in the bathroom. It’s like, a whole bodega is set up in there. There’s like… There is a make-up display there’s is a curling iron, hair extensions crudités Oh, are those strawberries in season? Those look good. You leave the bathroom to go back to your table. “I’m full, I ate in the bathroom. I don’t need anything. Oh, and the hummus was good.” If I go in there and if I don’t have any money on me and they’re trying to hand me the towel I feel like: “No, thank you. I can’t… No. I don’t… No. I don’t deserve it, give it to the lady there. No, thank you. I’m good.” [crowd claps]
That’s a job, there are so many jobs when you think about it. There are so many different types of jobs. I like my job. I have a good job. I… a few years ago I started ending my show by saying: “Be kind to one another.” And… [crowd cheers] Yeah, that’s what I thought. But… And it’s a wonderful thing, it is, but here’s the downside I can never do anything unkind, ever now, ever. I’m the be-kind girl. I’m… And I’m kind, I’m a good person. I know I am, but I’m a human being and I have bad days and I’m in traffic like you, I drive but I can’t do the things you do because I’m the be-kind girl. You know. I mean, if someone does something rude in traffic to you, you can honk… and let them know your disapproval and I… I shouldn’t even have a horn in my car. There’s no reason for me to have a horn. I can’t honk ever at anyone. Like, if someone cuts me off in a dangerous way if I honk, they are like: “Ellen?” [crowd laughs] [crowd laughs and claps] Yeah, that and the dancing. That was a mistake, too. That… I’m not a dancer. I just danced as a joke. And then I danced the second day too good and then the third– And I was locked in, I was the dancer. Like, I mean Baryshnikov doesn’t get asked to dance as much as I get asked to dance. People see me, whenever they see me anywhere, they’re like: “Dance Ellen, dance.” And I’m like… “I’m getting a mammogram. I can’t move right now. [crowd laughs] How did you get in here, anyway?” Yeah, I can’t…
When I’m in traffic, here’s the thing. I love to drive and I like to drive fast and I’m safe, but I do like to go fast and so slow drivers… irritate me, because they’re going so slow and let’s be honest. It’s usually a Prius, isn’t it? [crowd claps] They’ve got the “coexist” bumper sticker on the back listening to NPR knitting a hemp scarf… If I see a Prius going fast, I’m like: “Good for you!” I don’t know why it is. Whenever we pass someone going slow we have to see what they look like. We’re always like… “That’s what you look like. I thought so, I thought…” [crowd laughs] There’s nothing more embarrassing than when you pass up a slow driver to show them the proper way of driving. You go around them and show them how they should be driving and then you hit a red light. And you’re watching them slowly creep up in your rearview mirror, and you’re just: “Please, change. Please, change. Please, change.” And the light doesn’t change so they just creep up alongside of you. “I’m just gonna look down here and touch that. I’m gonna see what that is, right there, with that because I have to see this and… No, I know you’re next to me but you’re still wrong, even though you caught up. And I’m gonna do that with my finger for a while because…” [crowd laughs and claps] I don’t wanna judge. You don’t know why someone’s going slow. You have no idea. Maybe they’re transporting a bowl of soup. I don’t know, you know. I really don’t like to judge, except for people who say “libary”. Then I do. “Libary”… Really? OK. The place with all the words? OK… You know what word’s not in there? “Libary”. [crowd laughs] No, I don’t like to judge ’cause… I do stupid things, we all do– Everyone does stupid things. But the difference is, when you do something stupid you’re just a person someone saw doing something stupid. When I do something stupid, it’s a story. I went to a gas station to put gas in my car And there’s a group of teenage boys across the way and they’re like… really cool. They were vaping and… And they were like: “It’s Ellen, oh my God, it’s Ellen.” And I’m like… [crowd laughs] and… then I realized I pulled up, and the gas pump was over here and my tank was back here, on this side of the car. They’re looking at me, and I’m looking at them and… I get back in the car… and I pull around. Now, it’s still on the wrong side… because I’ve just pulled around. And they’re still looking at me… And I’m like: “I don’t wanna look like an idiot.” So, I just filled up the back seat. I just… [crowd claps] I’ll buy a new car, I don’t care. [crowd laughs] [claps]
I don’t have that many childhood memories. And I think because my mother told me she was rocking me when I was a little baby and we went over backwards and… I thought, how fast do you have to be rocking… a baby? How is that soothing for either of us? She said she held my head. I don’t think she did. She… And she has no memory either. I think we both hit our heads. I’m not sure. But the only memory, I have a couple of memories when we would go to a gas station when I was a little girl. My dad would only get a dollar’s worth of gas, all the time. Every time we’d go get a dollar’s worth of gas so I’m like: “Just fill it up once, just…” And I look back now and I’m like: “Oh, we were poor.” That’s why. He had… only a dollar. Makes sense now. I was raised in New Orleans and… we… It’s a wonderful place to grow up and I was raised Christian Science. That was a religion we were. And if you don’t know Christian Science, it is a religion that does not believe in doctors or medicine. So my entire childhood, I never had a vaccination, never had any medicine. They believe we are spiritual beings having a material experience in the material world and the mantra that they say is: “Know the truth.” And the truth is, there is no pain unless you give it pain with your mind. I was 10 years old. I split my knee open and my bone was exposed. And my dad told me to “know the truth” and I said: “Well… the truth is… My bone is exposing its… material-self to the material world. Help me.” And then I passed out. Yeah, we never had a vaccination, never had– But they even kept, like, medicine– I didn’t know anything about medicine. It’s amazing, we were poor ’cause we never had medicine. We never bought anything. We should’ve saved a fortune on that. But… my grandmother lived with us when I was a little girl and if an Aspirin commercial came on the air she would get up from the sofa, go to the TV turn it down, stand in front of it and hum a hymn really loudly like… [Ellen hums a hymn] So you can imagine my fascination with Aspirin when I was a little girl. Like… “What is Aspirin? What is happening?” Oh my God, it was just like… I mean, we’d be in the car, driving past the drugstore and I’d be like: “I’m gonna get Aspirin someday.” My parents divorced when I was 13. I went through sort of a bad girl phase, I was… on Aspirin. One, two a day. I was like… [crowd laughs] I was on Aspirin a lot. My parents were obsessed with celebrities and so, hi, here I am. Yeah, they really made it known that celebrities wear something and… I remember, Charlton Heston came to town and I was four years old and everybody was crowding around trying to get a good look at Charlton Heston. And my dad put me on his shoulders to get a better look at him ’cause you know how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston. He was using me as bait, hoping that Charlton would go: “Oh, cute little girl.” And come over, you know. ‘Cause people do that to me. If I’m out somewhere and people have a baby They’ll hold it out towards me like, for me to hold it and I’m like: “This is cashmere, no.” [crowd laughs] [claps] But you know, so then I grew up going: “Oh, celebrities!” I guess, everybody’s like that but like, I mean, I was 16. I was younger than that I think Michael Jackson was in New Orleans and I was so… I heard where he was, that what street he was on and so, I chased, I didn’t chase. I was walking, he was walking, he started running, I had to catch up. And… [crowd laughs] So I was excited by celebrities. I was really like, you know, and like I said… Do you wanna finish laughing? I don’t wanna stop you. [crowd laughs] Hm. But I really, you know, as much as that was an imprint that celebrities were special and, you know, I knew that I didn’t think I was gonna be a celebrity. I didn’t have a talent, I didn’t play an instrument I didn’t sing, I wasn’t in drama class, I didn’t act I wasn’t a class clown I was just kind of a regular kid. And I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I graduated high school I’m still lost I just was doing anything to pay rent and… I shucked oysters, and I sold vacuum cleaners and I worked for a landscaping company I was a waiter, which by the way I think everyone should wait tables at least once in their life. [crowd cheers] Yep. That and coal mining ’cause that seems hard, too. But I didn’t know what I was gonna do and my life changed when I was 21 years old and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident And I passed the accident., it had just happened. I didn’t know it was her ’cause she was in a different car. I almost stopped but then sirens were right behind me and showing up so I kept going and I found out later it was her. And… so… I had to move out of the… place we were living ’cause I couldn’t afford to live there anymore. I had no job, I had no car, no money. I moved into this tiny basement apartment and you could hardly stand up in it. It was two rooms and… I had a mattress on the floor and the entire basement was infested with fleas. There were fleas everywhere. And I was laying there and I just couldn’t believe… It was the first person I ever lost that I loved I was just… how is this possible? This beautiful young girl is gone and fleas are here. I don’t understand… what fleas do even. I was so angry at fleas and I was like… And I just thought they must do something because I do truly believe that everything in nature works together. Even if we don’t understand it, it does something for something else. And I wanted to understand this. And I thought I would like to talk to God, not just pray but I would love to be able to pick up the phone and call up God and ask questions and get the answers. ‘Cause I used to write all the time. I journaled and I wrote poetry. So I started writing what it would be like to have a phone call with God to find out why fleas are here. and it wasn’t meant to be funny. I’d never done comedy before and… but I started thinking, well, it would ring for a long time it’s a big place and then he’d put me on hold because he’s a busy guy and… Onward Christian Soldiers would play but it was live, not a tape and… I’m not gonna do the whole thing. Go back and watch the special but… Anyway, I finished writing it. I literally wrote without stopping, I finished writing it and I read it and I said to myself: “I’m gonna do this on Johnny Carson and I’ll be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down to talk to Johnny Carson.” And… [crowd cheers] [claps] I mean, I’m in a basement on a mattress with fleas, never done comedy. I make that statement, six years later, this happens. Thank you very much! [background song playing] -That’s well done! -Thank you. Yeah, that’s very clever and very fresh, and.. Well, that’s wonderful hearing that from you. No, I mean it, it’s good material. -Thank you. -How long you’ve been doing it? [crowd cheers] [claps]
That was before I got my new voice. That was my first voice I had and… Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way. That was… I wish that was a joke, but it’s not. He did. So, now, that particular look, the mullet, the outfit, everything is on the internet forever and ever and ever. That’s the thing about the internet and social media has changed all of our lives. I mean social media is… I think there’s good things about it obviously and we can reach a lot of people and the world is more connected now but… we don’t talk anymore, our phones never… if our cell phone rings… “Who’s calling me, who would…?” You know, I found, Portia and I, on a Sunday afternoon. I’m laying on the sofa, I have my phone. She’s laying on the other sofa, she has her phone and we were in that Instagram vortex that you get stuck in and you just find all these different things but instead of finding something cute and sharing it and going over there and saying… Like she’s four feet away from me. We are just silently, without talking, sending things back and forth– Like, I’d send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] And she’d send me this. [message received noise] [crowd laughs] I’d send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] She sent me this. [message received noise] [crowd laughs] I send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] She sends me this. [background song in the video] And then I sent her this. [rap song playing] Yeah, yeah ♪ Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances ♪ ♪ Finesse and nanno with some counterfeits ♪ ♪ But now I’m countin’ this ♪ ♪ Parmesan where my accountant lives ♪ ♪ In fact, I’m downin’ this ♪ ♪ D’USSÉ with my boo bae, tastes like– ♪ Yeah. [crowd claps] If you look up: “Birds that dance to music.” You’ll see, there are so many of them.
Birds… it turns out, love music. And you can see they have rhythm. They are on the beat and I was like: “Oh my God, that’s crazy.” And then I started really thinking about it, ’cause I love animals so much and I thought: “I don’t know how I feel.” Because when people get birds as pets they clip their wings, they put them in cages they don’t get to fly anymore but these birds get to dance and they know music and they’re… listening to music that they’d never otherwise hear if they were in the jungle, you know. Because the birds in the jungle have never heard Kendrick Lamar. They don’t know who he is. They’re flying and they think they’ve got it all but they don’t. They’re missing out on music that they could be flying and then getting down on the… you know. I’m torn, I don’t know how I feel. [crowd laughs] Because I feel like animals should be in their natural environment. That’s what they should be doing. They should be wherever they’re supposed to be. I have an issue with all the emotional support animals that people are flying with now. It’s just gotten out of hand. There was a woman trying to get on the plane with a peacock the other day. They didn’t let her on, thank God, but I mean, not that she doesn’t need it. Clearly, she’s crazy. You know… [crowd laughs] I don’t know what the requirements are to get an emotional support animal but I don’t think they are too tough to… It’s the same doctor that prescribes medical marijuana. I’m pretty sure that, you know… -“Doctor, sometimes I worry– -I’ve heard enough. I’m gonna prescribe you pot and a pet.” [crowd laughs] Now when you fly, it’s like… I mean you’re walking down the aisle to your seat, which is you know 10B or whatever it is It’s like Noah’s Ark. There’s a woman with a ferret there’s a man with a mongoose, there’s a lady with a donkey. I say 10B, does a plane go back that far? I’ve never been back there. [crowd claps] Are there ten rows? Are there ten– I just guessed. I don’t know, I just guessed. People… People used to take Xanax when they were stressed out. Now, they’re carrying animals around with them… I… There are so many pills. If you look at the commercials that are on the air, most… every commercial is for some type of medicine, some kind of pill and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it… the medicine commercials… The side effects are so long… that the people on the commercial are running out of activities. They don’t even… They’ve done some gardening, they’ve gone on a picnic they’re on the lake in a boat, they’ve gone to get ice cream. They’ve gotten a pottery class, they’ve played frisbee with a dog. They’re still listing the side effects. “Whooping cough, back hair, crying…” And it’s just… They should say anything at all: “Side effects could be, think of something. Yep, you could get that for sure. You might not but you might.” And then at the end it says: “Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right for you.” It’s like: “I don’t even know what’s wrong with them. They seemed fine, like, I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s right for– I’ve gardened. I don’t know if I should get it.” “Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right for you.” Why is that my job? Like… You’re at the doctor’s office: “Ellen, you seem pretty sick. Got your eye on any good medication you want to tell me about? [crowd laughs] Trulicity? I… That could be right for you.” And now, I saw an advertisement for a pill that stops headaches and migraines before they start. That’s some good marketing right there, isn’t it? -“Are you in any pain? -No, not at all. I’m gonna give you something for that. But… [crowd claps] -But I’m not in any pain– -And you won’t be.” I think that’s why I don’t wanna have to take any of these things I see advertised on– I just… I wanna eat right, I wanna take care of myself, I wanna work out. I used to work out a lot. I was working out like six days a week and then I had a sports injury. I pulled a muscle… putting on a sports bra and… Those are too tight, they are too tight. They are. Yeah. [claps] And then when you’re sweaty, trying to take them off… It’s like… I’ve never taken one off. I have 15 on right now. [crowd laughs] First one is from 1984 jazzercise class I took. That’s… I do have an injury that’s… kind of a problem for working out now. So I was having pain in my third and fourth toe. If you don’t know, one had roast beef and the other had none. [crowd laughs] But… So… I’ve had this pain and I went to go see a podiatrist and so he looks at my pods and he said that… He said: “You have a neuroma.” And I said: “You have a neuroma.” I said that to him. Hum. But… I said: “What do I do about that?” He said: “Nothing. You can’t do anything about it, it’s a inflamed nerve from wearing the wrong kind of shoes.” He said: “Do you wear like soft-soled shoes, like tennis shoes? I said: “Yes, that’s what I wear.” He goes: “That’s the wrong kind of shoe for you. The best shoe for you to wear… is a cowboy boot. [crowd laughs] Goodbye.” [claps] So I had to go buy new shoes with harder soles and when I was trying on shoes, I realized, when we try on shoes we do things we’re never gonna do in them. We stand up. “These are good. These are good. [crowd laughs] [claps] If I have to do that, that’s good. These are good, I like these. That’s good. If I have to do that, that’ll be good. These are good if I have to do this. Yep, I like these, I’m gonna get these. Yep.” [claps] When we try on shoes there’s a little tiny mirror on the ground. For the shoes to see themselves, ’cause you can’t. “What do you guys think, do you like them? [crowd laughs] I can’t see. Do you want them?” [crowd laughs] Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen for any other thing you buy. You say: “I’d like to try those on a size six.” They come out with boxes. “We didn’t have a six but we had a nine and a half.” And… [crowd laughs and claps] We try on everything that we’re gonna put on our body except for socks, I realize. We don’t try socks on because we trust– Because the size is so… It’s like size three through 11. It really… It’s like… It’s gonna fit. It’s like your childhood, through your adulthood, you wear those things. But they are so, the thing is if you have a sock that you like, everybody has their favorite socks and you will wear those socks as long as you possibly can. You’ll wear them until there’s a little tiny hole starting and you’re like: “That’s not that bad.” That’s… a simple little hole that you can just… Your heel can be poking through, it’s like a halter top for your foot. It’s like… Little holes everywhere, you think: “Who’s gonna to see it? I’m just gonna keep shoes on, they’re not gonna see that.” Then you go to somebody’s house and they have a shoes-off policy. [crowd laughs] I gotta get the fuck out of here. [crowd claps] [crowd cheers] We keep things we all keep things that are, you know, I don’t like to waste things. I don’t like to… waste food. I don’t think that’s a good thing. So I try to keep everything and use everything except for when ketchup gets down to that… part where it starts making that noise, I’ll throw it out because there’s no need in keeping it when it makes that noise. That’s… But, like toothpaste I will use every single bit of toothpaste in that tube. I will, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it’s not about the money. You know that. I mean… [crowd laughs] It’s about winning. [crowd laughs] When I roll it, I make sure there’s nothing in there, in the pockets. I roll it real tight. I’ll take my black American Express card and I’ll just squeeze it. Flatten it out. [crowd claps] If I have a gold bar laying around I’ll take the gold bar.
Yeah, we all have our little quirks. We all have our things that we do, that kind of doesn’t make sense. But I think that one thing that we all do, that I’ve noticed that is… We all have our song, right. We have the song like: “Oh my God, that’s my song.” And if we’re at a club and that song comes on you wanna dance but you will not dance until you hit the designated dance floor. That’s what I’ve noticed. Only when you hit the dance floor, will you dance. [crowd cheers] [song playing] ♪ Got birds and I’m runnin’, yeah, bout a hundred, yeah ♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you look good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah♪ ♪Make a nigga want to grab that, autograph that♪ ♪I’m sweatin’ in the drawers, yeah, hard and long, yeah♪ [crowd cheers] [claps] But if that’s your song when you’re 30, it’s still your song when you’re 85. [crowd laughs] ♪…with the money, yeah, don’t act funny, yeah♪ ♪Got birds and I’m runnin’, yeah, bout a hundred, yeah♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah♪ ♪Make a nigga want to grab that, autograph that♪ ♪I’m sweatin’ in the drawers, yeah, hard and long, yeah♪ ♪Want to walk it like a dog, yeah…♪ ♪At the starting of the week♪ ♪At summit talks you’ll hear them speak♪ ♪It’s only Monday♪ ♪Negotiations breaking down♪ ♪See those leaders start to frown♪ ♪It’s sword and gun day…♪ [crowd cheers] [claps] I am 60 years old and I’m dancing to “Back That Ass Up”. [crowd claps] Yes, I turned 60 this year. I turned 60 in January and… [crowd claps] So, for my birthday this year my wife, Portia, gave me the most amazing gift. She established The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund to save the mountain gorillas. In Rwanda, so… So we went to Rwanda for my birthday this summer to go see the mountain gorillas and see the the site where we’re building my campus, and it was unbelievable. It was really, really special. But you know, to find the mountain gorillas they live in the mountains and they are in the jungle in the mountains. And… it’s a jungle out there. I’ll tell you that. It’s… And it was raining for a long time before we got there like a month before we got there and so it was really muddy and there’s like stinging thistles and all kinds of brush everywhere that you’ve got somebody hacking away with a machete and you’re trying to get through and sometimes you had to crawl this far under, we’re sinking in the mud like, to our knees and… three hours up the mountain at some point, I was like… ♪Happy birthday…♪ [crowd laughs] ♪to me♪ ♪Happy birthday…♪ ♪to me.♪ [gasps] ♪Happy birthday…♪ ♪dear Ellen♪ Oh my God, it was so hard but… It is so worth it ’cause when you get there and you see this thing five feet away from you… So majestic, so beautiful. [claps] Portia and I took a picture and this guy photobombed us back there. But yet, so you can see like her hair is soaking wet she’s got mud on her face and we’re… So we get down to the bottom and we take a picture with our group that we went with, and you can see the mud where… we had all fallen and sank into the mud. If you wanna see how happy I am, if you’ll zoom in on my fist there…. [crowd laughs] Yeah. That’s… That’s my “Happy Birthday” fist right there. Yeah. The thing is, I didn’t pack correctly. That’s what was wrong because I packed to go on Safari and I looked good. I went on safari and I looked like I should have been on safari. I didn’t have waterproof clothes, I didn’t have waterproof shoes I didn’t have the right things. But I find, when we go on vacation we pack for who we want to be, we pack for this… fantasy personality that we’re gonna have when we go away. When we’re on an island, they don’t know we don’t wear white linen all the time. Beads in a big floppy hat. That’s who we are, you know. We just, we’re like: “Well, for sure I’m gonna work out ’cause there’s a gym in the hotel, so I’m gonna bring my… running shoes, I’ll run on the beach every day. And then I’ll do… yoga on the pier. I’ve seen that in the brochure, and… I’ll bring a poncho in case there’s a bonfire on the beach. I’ll wanna have a poncho on. I’ll bring a gown in case there’s a captain from a boat that I have to have dinner with. [crowd laughs] I’ll bring some books, I’ll read for sure. I’m gonna read. I don’t read at home, but I’m gonna read there, I’ll have a lot of time. I’m there three days, I’ll bring six books and… Yeah. Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk, in the same outfit the entire time. [crowd laughs] [claps] I love that we imagine that we’re gonna curl up and read a good book. I love that expression. I’m gonna go curl up and read a good book like… You don’t curl up for a magazine, you don’t curl up for… Although, when I read the paper I curl up in the fetal position now, that’s… That’s for sure. [crowd claps] But I do love these expressions. “Curl up and read a good book” or you know, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”. Did someone have a bird in the hand and said: “There’s two in the bush. Yeah, but I got one in the hand so… -But there’s two in the bush. -Yes, but I got one in the hand and that’s worth two in the bush. -It is? -Yes one in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Why do you call it the hand? It’s your hand. Why do you say “the hand”? [crowd laughs] “For Pete’s sake!” Who is Pete, and why are we doing everything for his sake? [crowd laughs] “Fit as a fiddle.” Is that a good shape? I don’t know. [crowd claps] My favorite expression is, “best thing since sliced bread.” Really, Is that the benchmark right there? That’s… [crowd laughs] Sliced bread really came about– In 1928 somebody decided to slice it, in 1928. That’s not that long ago. Bread has been around forever. Jesus broke bread. He didn’t even know how to slice it. [crowd laughs] I mean all throughout history, no one sliced it? Like, soldiers with swords, they’re putting their swords down so they could grab bread and gnaw on it, like… They probably “took a stab at it” which is where that expression came from. They stabbed at it… with their sword. Nothing happened, so they just… And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy, you know he was gay, for sure. I mean… [crowd laughs] “I refuse to be a barbarian anymore. I’m slicing it. Heathens.” He was popular, too. I mean, the fact that he has that, you know, title of sliced bread…. Like he was probably at a party in the ’20s. Can you imagine that Thomas Edison is there and the Wright brothers and… “Is the guy who sliced the bread here? I heard he was coming to the party. Is he here?” I mean, it should be like best thing since… fire, or the wheel, or the ladder. You know… I mean, the ladder, we take that for granted. I know you don’t think that’s as important but it really is. What did we do before the ladder? We all had to have a tall friend to reach things for us. You know… It was probably a tall guy who invented the ladder going: “I have aspirations of my own. I am not gonna… continue to do this the whole time.” [claps] The ladder is an adult purchase if you really think about it. You don’t buy a ladder when you’re a teenager. You buy a ladder when you’re an adult. When when you have a house, and the bigger the house the more ladders. I have a lot of ladders… I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot I have the extension, the 20-foot aluminum. And when I married Portia, she had a little ladder. So I have a step ladder, but I love it just the same, I do. [crowd laughs] [claps] I wrote that at 3 a.m. I thought either this is gonna be the worst joke I’ve ever written… or the best. I’ve decided, it’s the best. [crowd cheers] [claps] I think a junk drawer, that also is an adult thing that happens when we’re adults. We get a junk drawer. If you go home, we all have the same stuff in our junk drawer. We all have– For some reason we won’t throw a rubber band away There are tons of rubber bands like 24 rubber bands are in there, like… in case, a bunch of little girls come over for pigtails one day. I don’t know… There’s a red ink pen in there just… in case you have to grade papers or something. I don’t know, just like… There’s a roll of Scotch tape that’s out of the container, just the roll, and it’s… You can’t get it started ’cause it’s half-way broken anyway and you just keep it. There’s a AA battery. Does it work? I don’t know, I just don’t… I put it in there. [claps] There’s a key and you don’t know what it’s to. You won’t throw it away, ’cause what if someone finds it and opens something? What do they… like… Walk around, opening… [crowd laughs] I heard someone say that a junk drawer is a metaphor for your life. Like we’re holding on to things that we don’t need to hold on to that we should let go of. I don’t know if that’s true. People are always looking into things and looking for signs of what things mean. I don’t know, I… For a while there, I was… Every time I looked at the clock it was 11:11 and every time, and I started wondering, like, what does this mean? And for me it was a dead battery, but… [crowd laughs] [claps] We all have people, that we know, that look into signs way too much. You know, they’ll be like: “I don’t know if I should be in this relationship. There’s a squirrel. Squirrels live in trees. Trees have leaves. I should leave him.” [crowd laughs] I think we’re all looking for signs because we’re all looking for validation that we’re on the right path. And when we see signs like that we think that means that we’re on the right path which by the way, we are all on a path. We’re all on our own individual path. Nobody should be on anybody else’s path. We should be on our own path. [crowd claps] Unless you’re lost in the woods and you see a path. Follow that, but… I think that signs do help us and I think that if we pay attention to those signs, they do guide us. And some signs are easier… to spot than others. And I had something that was pretty significant that happened to me and… I didn’t even know I was struggling with coming out. I mean, whenever you’re closeted, you’re always thinking about it. It’s on your mind ’cause you’re worried that someone’s gonna find out. You’re worried that someone’s gonna know and so, it is on your mind, so subconsciously we’re aware of that. But I didn’t realize that until I had this dream. I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird and it was my pet and I put it back in its cage which was this beautiful multi-tiered bamboo cage and the bird became me, when it went into the cage and… all of a sudden it realized that it was up against the window all alone, and the window was open and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out. And it had been the whole time. And I looked at the bird and I said: “Don’t leave, you’re safe in here.” And the bird looked at me and said: “I don’t belong in here.” And flew out. And the next morning, I woke up and I said: “I’m coming out.” [crowd cheers] [claps] And… before I had that dream I didn’t realize I was in a cage. I had no idea I was in a cage. I had a great life. I had a successful sitcom. I had fame, I had money, I had everything that I thought… that was important. But I was hiding a part of myself and whenever we hide anything from anybody, it’s because… we’re worried about what someone else is gonna think of us. And, even though… I knew that was gonna be difficult. I had gotten to the point where it was more important for me to feel proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. [crowd claps] And… [claps] And that time, after I came out, was… really one of the hardest periods of my life, it was. But it was the best part of my journey. Because it is when I realized how strong I was. It’s when I learned compassion. It’s when I learned that the truth will always win. And… That’s when you grow. Like everyone has a fear everyone’s scared of something. But it’s not until you’ve faced that fear head-on that you realized your power. And that’s when you grow and that’s what we all want. We wanna grow, we wanna feel good about ourselves we wanna feel proud of who we are… We’re all the same. So, whether your bathmat scoot is 50 scoots to get to the towel or three scoots to get to the towel… Whether you’re gay, or have dry eye… [crowd laughs] We are all the same… and we are all… relatable. Thank you. [crowd cheers] [claps] [crowd cheers] [song playing in the background] Subtitle by Matheus Modesto Thank you so much.