Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here [Internal link]
Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura.
[Cheers and applause]`
Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Very nice of you. Thank you. I hope I live up to your expectations. I realized today that I need a hobby, because my workday just started, like, now. Right now. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day. So even if it doesn’t go well, it’s like, ah, you know, still a pretty good fucking day. Like, it was… wasn’t a bad day. It just… you know, that part at work that, for an hour, just didn’t go to my liking, and then I had a great day otherwise. ‘Cause my whole life is basically, you know, it’s… it’s… it’s hotels. Being in a hotel, just waiting for the show. Sad, right? I’m just waiting for the show to start. And you’re like, what… what am I gonna… I mean, you can only jerk off so many times before you’re like, all right, I’m gonna do it again, but… Right now it hurts. I should find something else to do. I absolutely ruin hotel rooms. Like, if you stay in a hotel room after I stayed there, shit is gonna itch on you, okay? Just being honest. Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room. Yeah. I do that too, except I’m alone. Like, I always wipe my balls on the curtains, because I know they don’t change those. Think about that the next time you want some sunlight. [Laughter] Or don’t. Just know that it’s on your hand, you know what I mean?
Here’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I got into online shopping recently. I guess that’s a thing. Here’s what I’ve been doing though. I shop for things that are, like, way out of my price range. And then after a while, I go, “oh, yeah.” I can’t afford that.” Like today, I was looking at yachts online. And then I was telling myself I didn’t want them, as if they were an option, you know? I was like, “155 feet? That’s not even” “big enough for all my friends and family. I’m not getting that shit.” What the fuck am I doing? You ever do that? You ever go down, like, a rabbit hole online, and then, like, six hours have gone by, and you’re like, “I’m shopping for the private jet” “that best suits my needs. “I think I found… this is it right here. The g550.” How much is this? Place order. $53 million? Well, maybe not now, but maybe later. I’ll just bookmark that shit for now. Boop.
You know what that is? That’s a sense of entitlement. That’s me thinking I should be associated with this thing. And I haven’t earned it. I haven’t. Neither have you, but also me. I get that feeling the most when I get upgraded to first class. Yeah. I fly every week. I never buy a first class ticket. I buy coach tickets. I buy them so much, I get bumped up to first class. I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, “look at these fucking poor pieces of shit” on my flight. Ugh.” I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, okay? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back. That’s for you guys. That’s for the big ballers up front. Some people buy first class tickets. I always feel like they know you got upgraded. They always give you the look like, “by the way, we fucking know.” You can sit up here, but you’re not like us.
God, it’s so weird. People… people ask me cra… like, I get asked fucking travel advice from strangers. Can we just break down how crazy that is? Like, people come up to me, and they’re like, “hey, you travel a lot, right?” And I’m like, “yeah.” They’re like, “where should I go?” Uh, I don’t fucking know you, man. You ask travel advice to people who know you intimately. They know you well. They can guide you based on what they know about you. I mean, you don’t ask strangers dining advice, right? You’re like, “hey, man, where should I eat tonight?” I know I’ve never met you before in my life, but do you think you could give me a recommendation? Uh, yeah. You should try this dim sum place. But then, that person might go, “oh, I hate the Asian world.” And you’re like, “oh, shit.” I didn’t know that about you.” “Yeah, I killed, like, four of them.” “What are you, like, a serial killer, or something?” “Yeah.” Now, you’re in an awkward conversation with a serial killer.
Here’s all I’m saying. I can’t tell you where to go. I can tell you where not to go. Wherever they film The First 48 on A&E. Oh, if you’re not familiar with the show, here’s what it is. Camera crews follow real homicide detectives for the first 48 hours after a murder. And the reason that that time distinction is so important, is that after 48 hours, uh, they give up on that murder. They’re like, “that’s some old shit. What do you want to do today?” You’re like, “how about you keep trying “to solve that murder, man? “That shit happened on Monday. It’s Wednesday. We’re not gonna solve that shit.” Really?
There are so many amazing moments on that show… so many. A lot of the episodes take a similar path. I’m blown away, first of all, at how many times there’s a witness to a murder. It’s crazy. I always thought murders happened in dark alleys, nobody saw shit. No. Every other episode, they’re like, “you see that shit?” And the guy’s like, “I saw that shit. Yeah.” “Where?” “Right fucking here.” “Really?” “I was standing here, and then he killed that dude there.” “What did he look like?” “He was, like, 5’2″ to 6’8″, something like that.” “That’s the fucking description you’re gonna give us?” “Uh-huh.” “Anything else about him?” “Yeah, he had ears too.” “Thanks, man.” “No problem.” They still will sketch that shit out. And they show it to people. “Do you know this guy?” And everyone’s like, “nah.” But then one guy’ll be like, “yeah!” That’s Cricket right there.” They’re like, “oh, shit.” You know him?” “I been knowin’ Cricket 27 years.” “What’s his real name?” “Man, that’s just Cricket. I don’t even know.” Stop being white and weird. That’s a perfect fucking impression, and you know exactly who that was, okay? Yeah, it’s a black guy and he’s wearing a wife beater, and he’s got on a dirty hat and he’s got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he looks like he’s about 33, but you find out he’s 76 years old. And he speaks super aggressively to the cops. Like, “I been out here for a minute!” And they’re like, “all right, all right. “Jesus Christ. When was the last time you saw him?” “He came through with jellyfish last week. They were lookin’ for some smoke!” And they’re like, “all right. Jesus Christ.” They always cut to the whitest detective from that guy too. They cut from that guy to a guy who’s like, “I don’t think he’s gonna help us out. We’re gonna have to find Cricket on our own.”
That show has the best moment in television. It’s the most dramatic thing you could ever see, ’cause it’s real life, and that is the interrogation. The interrogation is amazing. Because here’s the thing about drama… if you want to have a great, dramatic moment, raise the stakes. Guess what? There’s no higher stakes than somebody being questioned about taking somebody else’s life. It’s inherently compelling television. It is also super serious. But the detectives insist on using the suspect’s street name, so the whole thing turns into a fucking cartoon. Like, they’re literally like, “your life is on the line. “We need to talk to you. “Why don’t you have a seat, “uh, little stank? “Why don’t you sit down for a second? Did you or did you not know dookie shoes?” “I don’t know no dookie shoes.” “I got a picture of you hanging out with dookie shoes.” “I mean, I seen him. I don’t know him.” And then, they’ll throw one bit of evidence against the wall, hoping it’ll solve the case. They’ll be like, “well, we were talkin’ to nah’mean”, and he said that you were at the 7-eleven last week.” And he’ll be like, “yeah, I shot him in the face.” And you’re like, “goddamn, really?” That’s all it took to break you? Dude, lie. Lie for longer. You can kill somebody, you can’t lie for ten fucking minutes about it? Like, dudes will break on anything. They’ll be like, “we heard you had on a blue shirt last Friday.” “Yeah, I stabbed those four people.” Dude, a lot of people have blue shirts, man. You could still get out of this.
Here’s what I’ve learned watching that show, okay? Lawyer up. You can’t handle that shit. Everybody’s like, “I’m gonna talk to the cops and straighten this whole thing out.” You’re gonna do 25 to life. Have fun with that, man. Nobody asks for a lawyer. I’ve seen 300 people get interrogated on this show. Two of them were like, “can I talk to a lawyer?” And both times, the detectives were like, “fuck!” And then, at the end of those episodes, it said on the screen, “all charges against Tayshaun were dropped.” Or Jim. Pick a fucking name. Let’s be honest. There’s no Jims on the show. I’ve seen every episode, and none start with, “hey, Bryce, can we talk to you for a second, man? Where were you last Friday?” “I was over at tanner’s house. “Then Skylar had a party, so we went over there. “And then, we picked up Connor, and we had pancakes. “Sorry, bro. Detective bro, bro.”
I swear to God, there is no more liberating and fun thing to do in this world than scream in your best aggressive black guy voice. Holy shit. So much fun. I highly recommend you do it. Not if you’re black. If you’re black, you already do it. But if you’re white, do it. Do it in public. Do it where there are black people. And here’s a little secret, if you do it well, there is a possibility that a black guy will yell back in return. I do it all the time. I live in Los Angeles. Pick your spot. I go to Crenshaw. There’s never a shortage there. I do. I hang back and I go, “hey, yo!” And sometimes… sometimes, a black guy’ll go, “sup, d?” [Laughter]
I did it to Big Daddy Kane one time. I swear to god. I swear… hand to god. If you don’t know who Big Daddy Kane is, you can go fuck yourself, okay? I was standing on Sunset Boulevard. – A limousine pulled up. – Whoo! Like for sunset? Really? All right. [Laughter] A limo pulled up, like, I don’t know, 30 feet from me. I was just, like, all right. See the door open. Who’s getting out of this limo? Expecting, like, a bachelor party or some shit. Fucking Big Daddy Kane. I’m like, get the fuck out of here. And something just took over, you know? The spirit grabbed me. And I was like, “‘sup, Kane?” And his head whipped around, and he was like, “you?” And I was like, “nuh-uh. That wasn’t me. “Somebody over there did that shit. That wasn’t me.” If you ever see Big Daddy Kane, please do the same shit to him.
Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. “Are people the same everywhere?” No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree. How about that? You like that? Here’s one universal truth about people, though. This one is true, and that is that everybody just wants to connect. It doesn’t matter where you go, or what language you speak, people just want to connect. And you know when you have chemistry with somebody. You know if you’re like, “I want to hang out with this person,” or “I want to date this person,” or “I want to harness this person to the bottom of my big rig and drive them around for a while “and bury them 18 miles west of lake worth. And when I drive by, I’ll get a boner.” We all have these thoughts, right?
Sometimes there’s nothing there, and people try to force a connection. I think that shit’s rude. I’m checking into a hotel a few weeks ago. The guy comes from behind the counter and he goes, “where are you from?” I said, “Los Angeles.” And he goes, “yeah, I got family in Denver.” And I was like, “what a coincidence.” And he goes, “yeah, they got a furniture store.” And I was like, “ah.” I like to sit on furniture. We’re two for two. I have shoes on. Do you have shoes on? Do you like to walk around? Let’s fucking party. There’s nothing there. Sometimes, there’s nothing there. And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to connect with everybody on the planet. That would be absurd. You should embrace that. I’ve been doing this. You should do this too. Next time you’re at a bar or you’re just out walking around, and somebody goes, “hey, man.” Just go, “nope.” I’m all friended up.” And if they’re like, “I just want to know what time it is.” Be like, “I only tell my friends what time it is.” You’ll feel like a dick, but then you get over it real quick.
I feel like no matter where I go, ten times a day, I find myself asking myself this question… I find myself going like, “hey, man”, “is anybody else seeing this shit right now? Have I stepped into a parallel fucking universe or something?” Like, I went to buy a coffee just a few weeks ago from a coffee place. Just so there’s no confusion. I didn’t go to a shoe store. I went to a coffee place, okay? I go to the lady behind the counter, and I go, “can I have a coffee?” And she goes, “well, we have a special promotion”, “and today, for $2, you can get this drink, “and it has vanilla, and… and there’s whipped cream and there’s sprinkles on it.” “And I was like,” that’s cool. “I don’t want that. May I have a coffee?” “And she goes, it’s the last day… Of this special promotion.” And I was like, “oh, I think I understand “the full scope of the promotion. May I have a coffee?” And she’s like, “you’re a fucking loser.” Here’s the thing, this woman was enormous, okay? She was hu… she looked like four people melted into one. So I was like, “you know what?” “You’re super fat. “You know when shit tastes good. Hook that shit up. I want to try it, all right?” And she goes, “it’s $2.” And I go, “all right.” And then I extended a $20, and she goes… And I go, “I’m sorry?” And she goes, “I don’t have the change for that.” And I was like, “oh, so what do you want to do now?” Are you saying I have too much money to shop here?” And she goes, “we just can’t handle it.” And I was like, “handle it?” It’s a 20.” Like, I didn’t put the hope diamond on the counter, and go, “figure it out, stupid.” Like, it’s reasonable, right? And she was just all shoulders. Like, mm. And I go, “nothing? You have no solution?” And she goes, “do you still want coffee?” I’m like, “yeah. That part’s never changed.” That’s why I’m here.” I go, “you can’t resolve this at all?” And she goes, “you could ask somebody else for change.” And I go, “another customer in line?” And she goes, “yeah.” And I go, “what about the box” with buttons in front of you?” And she goes… So I turn around to the line of people, and I go, “excuse me”, “do any of you guys have change?” And everybody was like, “you fucking asshole.” “Like, you’re at the place to get change. You’re right there.” Well, then this one Arab guy… and I’m not saying that means anything… but he was, so why leave it out of the story? He goes, “I have everything.” And I was like, “oh.” And then he opened his attache and he had every denomination of every currency. Like, where I could go, “I want one of those, and I want one of those, and I want one of tho…” he’s like, “yes, yes, yes.” Now, enjoy your pussy drink.” Okay. All right. And I want you to know something. I drank that pussy drink, and that’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my entire life. Pussy drinks forever. I’m not sure that’s what they’re called, so take your chances. But it would be cool if you went to a Starbucks tomorrow, and you’re like, uh, “can I get a pussy drink?” And they’re like, “I think I know what you want. Hold on a second.”
Can we just all agree on one thi… can we just fucking get onboard with the fact that it is time to see an end to the man who walks around in public with a cowboy hat on, like he’s not wearing a cowboy hat in public? I see these guys everywhere. Banks, grocery stores, airports. And now, not only do I see guys wearing cowboy hats, but they have adopted the cowboy persona. Like where they think they’re actual fucking… like the… [snickers] Well, pardon me, ma’am. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. You look fucking ridiculous right now. Like, you’re a cowboy, really? Cock-a-doodle-doo. A-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. Get the fuck out of here. Here’s all I want from cowboys. Just be cowboy all the way, all right? Work with livestock. Like, if somebody says, “let’s go get a beer.” I want to hear you say, “I got to shave some sheep.” End your disputes with a pistol. If somebody cuts you off in line, be like, “meet me at the saloon at noon. I’m a cowboy.” And you better ride a horse everywhere. If you wear a cowboy hat, you shouldn’t be allowed to sit in cars or look at planes. You should just be like, “I’ll tell you what. “I’ll tell you what. San Francisco sure is a pretty city.” Yeah, I’ll see you there in six months, when you get there on your fucking horse. If you’re a cowboy, then I am a knight. I’m a knight, and I’m gonna wear armor every day, in case somebody wants to joust. And you leave me alone, because I’m doing the queen’s work. Okay, mummy?
You know who likes to be cowboys more than anybody? Do you know who? Three-year-olds. Because they’re not developed yet. And they go, “mommy.” [Imitates gun] And you go, “yes, you’re a cowboy.” “And your sister’s a princess. “And your father’s fucking Batman. “‘Cause you live in la-la land. You don’t know what’s going on right now.” Cowboy hats should come with class rings. ‘Cause I feel like the same guy that buys one buys the other anyway, you know? [Laughter and applause] “Check it out. “’87. I scored 14 touchdowns that year.” “What are you doing now?” “I’m just thinkin’ about killing myself.” Oh, okay. Why don’t you get a corvette and make it a whole kit?
Mm. [Sighs] I just realized my fucking… I do have a hobby. It’s probably the saddest, most pathetic hobby there is. And that is just watching television shows. What is lamer than, like, “what do you do for fun? What’s your hobby?” “Oh, fucking, I watch TV.” That’s so indicative of our country. And, like, some people are amazing with their, like… “oh, I b… I build furniture.” You’re like, “that’s your job?” “No, no. I’m a urologist.” But, like, on the side, like, I… oh, I like to… I like to watch my shows.
I don’t like the way people knock tv though. It’s all the… all the same cliche shit they said when we were kids, they now say as adults, right? They’re like, oh, you know, you… you know, you watch too much tv, it’ll rot your mind, or, you can’t learn anything from television. But that’s not true. You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that. He has a show. It’s not a scripted show. It follows around the real Steven Seagal. And every episode begins with him looking in the camera and saying, “I don’t know if you knew this or not”, but for the last 20 years, I’ve been a cop.” And you’re like, “what did you just say? “I thought you’ve been making shitty movies “for the last 20 years. What are you talking about?” And you watch this show, he has the most unlikeable quality in a human being, which is that he is an expert in everything. Literally, if a dog walks by, he’s like, “that’s a shih tzu, boxer, hound mix right there.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” He’s like, “I’ve been working with dogs for, like 35 years.” Then, a helicopter flies by. He’s like, “that’s a hub-106.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” And he’s like, “I’ve been flying helicopters for, like, 47 years.”
Then he does the thing though, that everybody does who knows something about everything. Everybody has a friend, no matter what you’re doing, they know the history of it all, they know every topic, every fucking fact. If you’re eating dinner, they’re like, “you know, forks are from the roman times”, and they would sculpt them out of bark.” And you’re like, “will you shut the fuck up, and let me finish this please?” Seagal will do that too, but you know he’s making it up. He’ll be like, “you know, they also call that helicopter” a skippy.” And they’re like, “why?” And he goes, “listen to it.” Skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip… that’s bullshit. You made that shit up. “Nah, seriously.”
It just blows my mind… it really does… that everybody in this room… everybody… has this real world possibility in their lives… all of us, we could go tonight, if we wanted to… tonight, you could go to Louisiana, you could start a fight in a bar, and there is a real world possibility that Steven Seagal will arrest you. Isn’t that insane to you? I’ve lost sleep over this shit. I mean, that’s crazy. That’s literally like if you leave here, and you roll through a stop sign, and then, Sylvester Stallone is like, “hey, roll it down.” “And you’re like, get the fuck out of here. You work here?” And he’s like, “it’s my passion.” “Will you say Adrian or something?” “Nah.”
It’s nuts. You have to watch this show. He… he panders to every group according to race, knowing full well there’s a camera crew following him around. He doesn’t give a shit. If you’re white, he’s like, “how’s it going? “All right.” [Snickers] And then, to black people, he’s like, “what’s up, cuz?” And they’re like, “hey, what’s up?” “I’m holding you down, so holler if you need somethin’.” “Okay.” And then, to all Latinos… Spanish speaking people… he insists on speaking horrifically broken Spanish, even if they start the conversation in English. If they’re like, “hey, yeah, I called 911. Thank you for coming.” The thing is… he’s like, “ah, hold on.” Mucho queso.” They’re like, “I think my English is way better than your Spanish, man.” And he’s like, “no gracias.” And then, to all Asian people, he bows, regardless of where he meets them. If you’re Asian, and you cross Steven Seagal’s path, he’s like, “ha.” And they go, “hey, I was born here, you dick.” Like, you don’t have to do that.” And he’s like, “sorry.” I’ve been doing martial arts for, like, 85 years.”
He trains other cops in hand-to-hand combat. I think that’s infuriating. For those cops. It’s not like we’re hanging out, we’re like, “hey, man, do you want to do, like”, “a couple shots, and then go down the street? Steven Seagal is teaching people how to throw punches.” And we’re like, “okay. Let’s fucking go.” No. It’s you’re a cop, and you show up at work, and they’re like, “we’re gonna go over “hand-to-hand combat today, so you can protect yourself if you’re in a really dangerous situation.” You’re like, “oh, cool.” “Who’d you bring in to teach us? Like, some navy seals, or green berets?” And they go, “no.” We brought in Steven Seagal.” And you’re like, “are we shooting a fucking movie” this week or something?” They’re like, “uh-uh.” “Okay, I’ll pass, ’cause that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be a part of that.” That’s literally like if you were, like, at NASA, and they’re like, “all right, future astronauts.” “We’re gonna go over space exploration, “and to get us started, why don’t you welcome Captain Kirk? Come on out, man.” And you’re like, “is he qualified to do this?” And they’re like, “oh, you’ve seen him do all that shit.” “Yeah, he knows what he’s talking about, man. He’s been up there.” They show him teaching people how to fight. It’s horrible. He’s bloated now. He doesn’t have the same range of motion. He’s like, “everybody line up.” If somebo… if somebody throws a punch, you can… you can block it like that. [Exhales] And then… and then, you can kick ’em in the throat like that. Are you kicking a child in the throat right now? Some people’s throats are down there. I like Havarti cheese the most. What’s your favorite?
Um, I’m sorry that I’m fat. I just realized how fat I was by how winded I got from just doing those little motions. [Groans] Jesus. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, and I’m like, “fuck.” I lie to myself all the time. I cheat. Like, I’ll look in the mirror, and I’m like, “hmm.” Yeah, that’s what you look like.” It’s all these little things that you don’t think about and you just do it automa… here’s where I really had to call myself out. I was getting into a shower in a hotel, and it was one of these hotel bathrooms where there’s just mirrors everywhere. And as I was stepping in the shower, I looked, and I was like, “oh, my god.” Like, “look at you.” “I can’t believe somebody lets you fuck them. This is crazy.” I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. I feel like that’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and then I go… [staggered deep breath] It’s better a few moments later, when you get to think about it, and you’re like, “why did I just stop?” To take a deep breath. Oh, yeah. My body also needs air, you fat fucking turd. I did the fattest thing you can do a week ago. Maybe not the fattest thing. I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat. I didn’t do that. I did, however, go out to eat. I went out to breakfast. I had croissant. Everybody knows what a croissant is, right? It’s a flaky-looking thing. I ate one, and one is enough. And then I left this place, and I was walking down the street. And I saw a bakery, and I was like, “I wonder what their croissants taste like.” So I entered a second venue to shovel bread into my stupid, fat mouth. And the big payoff is that when I was done, I got to go, “oh, no.” “The first place has better croissants. Yeah.”
I had catastrophic diarrhea this morning. And I just found out that not everybody does. Here’s how I found out. We moved… my wife and I moved to a new place. In the new place, the living room couch is closer to that bathroom than it was in the old place. So the second day we’re there, I go in there, I do my thing. When I walk out, my wife is no longer sitting on the couch. She’s now standing, holding car keys. And she goes, “do you need to go to the hospital?” And I go, “for what?” And she goes, “for what just happened in there.” And I go, “what just happened in there?” And she goes, “is that normal for you?” And I was like, “I don’t even remember what happened”, so I guess so.” She goes, “Jesus, how often do you shit like that?” And I was like, “every day.” She goes, “oh, my God. Is there blood in there?” There could be. I don’t know. I just go, bap! And I hit flush. And she goes, “you don’t look at it?” And I go, “where am I supposed to look?” “It’s everywhere. “You want me to look at each individual piece? No, I paint the bowl, and then I wash it away.” That’s how I found out, at 34 years old, that not everybody has diarrhea every day. I feel like, you know, wives have to get in one last jab too, ’cause first of all, this wasn’t even an argument. This was a conversation. And she won the conversation, okay? She did. I feel horrible about my digestive system. You win. It’s settled. I’m sitting on… I’m sulking, like… [Sighs] On the couch. She’s going to leave this day, right? And she stops at the door as she’s leaving the house, and she goes, “you know, you’re probably gonna die.” And I was like, “cool, babe. Have a good day.” I’ll see you when you get home.” Then I started thinking about it, and I’m like, “maybe I am gonna die.”
I went to the doctor that day, and I’m… I’m gonna be completely honest with you. I went to the doctor, and I was like, “all right.” I’m just gonna get a checkup, see what’s going on.” The honest truth is I knew it wasn’t gonna be awesome, okay? I knew the doctor wasn’t gonna be like, “you might be surprised to hear this, but you’re perfect. Like, you’re a perfect physical specimen, man.” I knew that wasn’t gonna happen, but I didn’t expect him to be a dick. Usually, they’re not. I feel like in my experience, doctors are polite. Almost overly polite, where it’s phony and condescending. When they go, “ah, really interesting story you got there.” Doctors do that because you’re telling them a story, and doctors don’t want to hear a story. Doctors want to hear “this hurts,” not “I was over at my friend Charlie’s house”, “and we went to move the ottoman, and… “I mean, you can use it as a coffee table, “or you can use it as an ottoman. It’s up to you,” and your doctor’s like, “I want to blow my fucking brains out right now.” I go in there, I sit on the exam table, which is my least favorite table to sit on in the world ’cause it’s the only table that, in 30 years, I’ve sat on where my feet don’t touch the ground. So I feel like a fucking toddler, waiting like… [giggles] My doctor comes in. He doesn’t say hello. He doesn’t say good morning. He just walks in. He points at me, which is super aggressive, you know, to start a conversation with somebody. Like, “hey, man.” You’re like, “hey. What’s up, man?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “what?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “I don’t get it.” And he goes, “has nobody told you that your hair’s falling out?” I was like, “damn. No.” And he goes, “ah. Sorry.” I’m like, “all right.” Then he pulls my chart out of the slot, super dramatic, so that it makes a fucking noise. He goes… [Exhales] I’m like… and he goes, “wow!” And I’m like, “really, ‘wow’? Is it full-blown AIDS?” Like, “why is ‘wow’?” And he goes, “you weigh 245.” And I go like, “yeah, like, I knew that shit.” And he goes, “you weighed 230 last time you were here.” Not exactly what I would call weight loss.” I’m like, “are we at a fucking roast or something?” Like, “what are you doing?” Then he says, “you know you’re the fattest patient I’ve seen all day.” And I go, “it’s 9:30 in the morning.” And he goes, “still.” He’s like, “you know, we ran your blood work.” It turns out your muscle enzymes are through the roof.” And I go, “yeah, man, like, I’m super strong.” Like, how is that a problem?” And he goes, “they’re off the charts.” I’m like, “even better.” I’m probably your strongest patient, man.” And he goes, “I don’t think you understand muscle enzymes.” And I go, “that’s true. I don’t know what they are.” And he goes, “well, the only way you could have them this high” “would be, like, ‘a, ‘ if you were an Olympic athlete, which, clearly you’re not.” I’m like, “dude, what is the deal, man?” And he goes, “the other way would be if you were a cocaine addict.” And I go, “I don’t do coke.” And he goes, “I’m your doctor. You don’t have to lie to me.” And I go, “I’m not lying.” And he goes, “I can’t treat you if you’re not gonna be honest.” And I go, “hey, man, aren’t cokeheads skinny?” Isn’t that, like, part of the deal?” And he goes, “usually, yeah.” The nurse comes in. She takes my chart out of his hands, and she goes, “oh, my God.” “His muscle enzymes are so high. Maybe he runs marathons.” And my doctor goes, “look at him.” So at this point, I go, “this was a lot of fun. “Thank you for having me today. I’m gonna leave now,” and he goes, “all right.” Then he goes, “ho… hold on a second. Do you have a ring on your finger?” And I go, “yeah.” And he goes, “you’re married?” And I go, “yeah,” and he goes, “to a guy?” And I go, “no.” And he goes, “oh. I thought you were gay.” And I go, “why?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “all right, dude.” And he goes, “hey, I’m just kidding.” And I go, “that’s fine.” He goes, “but check it out.” And he takes my chart, and he shows it to me, and he had written “gay?” On my medical chart. [Laughter and applause] The thing that gets sent to other doctors has his inside… [Chuckles] “Maybe he sucks cock” joke written on it. I went home. I told my wife. She’s like, “oh, my god, what are you gonna do?” And I was like, “what do you mean?” And she goes, “I mean, are you ever gonna go back there?” I’m like, “are you out of your mind? “That’s the funniest fucking doctor in the world. Of course I’m going back there.” I have, like, Don Rickles as my primary care physician. That’s amazing. I’m faking injuries to go back to this guy. “You know you’re a piece of shit.” I’m like, “I know.” He’s fucking amazing.
Oh, my God. I do think about death. I just want it to be justified, you know? Like, if I die violently, you know, maybe I have, like, Serena Williams sitting on my face, and… I don’t know, Venus is polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that. Then my wife comes in, boom, and I’m, like, fucking done. It’s fun that way. I don’t want it to be a dumb death. I feel like there’s dumb deaths that they kind of subtly mock, like, on the news. They do. They’ll be like, in local news… they’ll be like, “and then, also coming up, “a guy was trying to get a soda out of a vending machine, and then it fell on him.” And they’re like… and you’re like… ’cause that could happen to you. It could be, like, you know, like, I would go to the fucking mall, and then I fall down the stairs, and then they send a news crew, and they’re like, “what happened?” And they interview the dumbest fucking guy, and he’s like, “I seen him fall. And then he don’t move no more.” And you’re like, “that’s my eulogy? Thanks a lot, man.”
I felt like I was gonna die a few months ago. I called a car service to take me to the airport. You know, when you’re like, “I got 60 bucks. Let’s fucking do this, right?” This nice town car comes to the house. The guy gets out. He’s got all white hair. Much older man. From the beginning, he makes me uncomfortable when he calls me sir. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a guy way older than you call you sir. You’re like, “hey, man. You’re, like, 1,000 years old.” “You have a couple weeks to live, maybe. How about we drop the formality, okay?” I get in the car, he goes, “the temperature all right, sir?” I go, “it’s fine.” He goes, “would you like a bottle of water, sir?” And I go, “you don’t have to call me sir.” You can just call me Tom.” And at that moment, all of his professionalism went out the window. ‘Cause the very next thing he said was, “you smoke weed?” And I was like, “I mean, yeah, sometimes.” And he goes, “do you want to smoke some now?” And I was like, “I mean, yeah.” But I don’t think my driver should be offering me, you know? He doesn’t miss a beat. He opens the console. He takes out a joint. He lights it. He passes it back. I hit it out of respect, right? ‘Cause he’s old. And then I give it back to him, and the next thing he says is, “yeah, I can’t drive unless I’m fucked up.” I’m like, “did you hear what you just said?” And he goes, “yeah, I’m ripped right now.” I’m like, “well, hands on 10:00 and 2:00, motherfucker.” Like, “keep it together.” I go, “so is that all you do? Smoke weed?” I can handle a guy that smokes weed. He goes, “well, I love it all.” And I’m like, “what’s all?” That’s a broad statement.” He goes, “I love coke. I love heroin.” “But there’s nothing like smoking rocks, you know what I’m saying?” And I was like, “no, I don’t know what you’re saying.” Mind you, this is while he’s driving, so it’s actually like, “I love smoking rocks, man. You know what I’m…” I’m like, “dude, turn around.” So I go, “can I ask you something?” He goes, “yeah. What’s up?” I go, “what’s it like to smoke rocks?” I’ve never done that before.” And he goes, “ooh-ooh!” [Applause] I was like, “is that the whole sentence? Is that it?” He goes, “that shit is the best! “What I like to do personally, “is I like to sit in my apartment and fire ’em up. “And then I look out the peephole. “And I watch people walk around. “And I just freak the fuck out about what’s gonna happen next.” And then, he gave me a head nod like, “doesn’t that sound awesome?” I was like, “dude, that sounds terrible. “That’s called a panic attack, “and that’s a horrible sales pitch for crack. Now, I’m definitely not gonna try it.” We pull up to the airport, and I go, “it’s none of my business, but I think you’re too old to be messing with all these drugs.” And he goes, “I don’t do it anymore, Tom.” Yeah, it was “sir” at the top of the ride. Now, it’s “Tom, you piece of shit.” “I don’t do it anymore. I did it when I was younger.” And I go, “all right.” And he goes, “I mean, I still do it every once in a while.” “But you know what they say, if you do something every once in a while, it’s not that bad for you.” And I was like, “dude, I think they mean that about”, “like, pizza and chocolate.” “Nobody ever means that for crack, just so you know.” I’ve never heard, “what are you doing?” “I’m smoking rocks.” “Well, not every day, okay? You crazy kid.”
Weed‘s not a big deal, though. I don’t know why the fuck people make a big deal out of weed. You know? You… [cheers and applause] You see it change. I mean, states have it legalized. I don’t know why… the perception, I find, from other people about California, they think that we’re like the wild fucking west. Like, people, they’re like, “aw, you live in I.A. “You guys just smoke joints and tell the cops to suck your dick, right?” And I’m like, “yeah, that’s exactly right, yeah.” “You should do that too when you come out. “L.A.P.D. Is super into that. “But take your joint, flick it at ’em, “be like, ‘suck my dick, man.’ they’ll laugh and high-five you… it’s fine.”
It’s so dif… I mean, first of all… all right, let’s be clear. If you get a medical card, one of the things that people don’t know, they have expiration dates on them, and you have to renew your card all the time. And it’s not what you think. It’s not exactly the easiest thing. You literal… you have to get in your car. You have to drive down to a place. That’s it… that’s all you gotta do, is go drive there. Takes, like, five minutes. But my card expired three years ago. I still haven’t renewed it. I tried to go to a dispensary a few weeks ago, and there’s two rooms. There’s the room they check you out in, they check your stuff, and then, there’s the main room with all the goodies, right? And the guy took my card, and he goes, “dude, I can’t let you in. Your card expired three years ago.” I was like, “come on, man.” And he was like, “all right.” I was like, “wow, I’m a really good negotiator, huh?” I didn’t real… well, once you put it like that, yeah.
Getting that medical card is surreal. My experience was surreal. I went to a doctor’s office, and it’s not dr. Dickhead that I was telling you about. This is a different doctor. He’s a doctor because he got a business card, and he put “dr.” on it. His office was such a piece of shit, that you could hear the conversation going on between the doctor and the patient ahead of you, which is never supposed to happen. So as I’m waiting for my turn to go in, I’m waiting, and I hear the doctor go, “oh, what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the guy in there goes, “oh, I have a bone disease.” And I was like, “oh, shit. I don’t have a bone disease.” Like, I thought you could just be like, “weed’s awesome.” And he’d be like, “yeah, I fucking know,” like… So I start to panic internally… like, what am I gonna say? And in my mind, I just go to the worst shit. Like, in my mind, I’ll be like, “just say you have AIDS. Like, just tell him you have AIDS.” Then he’ll be like, “when did you find out?” I’ll be like, “I just found out, like, five minutes ago.” “You don’t seem that bummed out.” “Well, I’m just happy to be here, so let’s wrap this shit up, man.” For some reason, I pictured him asking me to prove it, which they would never be like, “prove it,” and you’re like, “oh, I left my aids card at home.” I don’t have it on me.” Then I go, “that’s way too dramatic. Just dial it back.” I’m like, “ah, I’ll just say I have cancer.” That’s much more believable.” Then I start thinking of all my family members that have died of cancer, and I’m like, “man, if I say I have cancer just to get weed, I am getting cancer next fucking week.” By the time I have that thought, I’m sitting in front of the doctor. He’s like… I go, “what?” He goes, “what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the best I can come up with on the spot is, “my eyes hurt.” And he goes, “do you have vision problems?” And I go, “oh, yeah.” And he goes, “you don’t wear glasses?” And I go, “can’t. Hurts.” “Everything hurts. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.” He writes me a prescription. I go to leave. As I leave, I see the guy who’s going in next, and I don’t know why I think it’s gonna be funny to listen. ‘Cause I think he’s not gonna get it, and I’ll tell you why. I completely judged the guy, ’cause the guy’s your typical L.A. Cholo Mexican gangbanger, okay? It’s a very specific look. You’ve seen movies. You know what the fuck I’m talking about. It’s khaki dickies with an oversized white t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, an L.A. Hat, and also an L.A. Tat in, like, this general area here. So it’s like, “aw, if I lose my hat, I still have my favorite team right fucking here.” So I listen at the door. I’m like… [Laughs] And I hear the doctor go, “what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the guy goes, “I just really like the way that weed makes me feel.” And then the doctor wrote him a prescription for that. Yeah, you don’t have to lie. You can just be like, “weed’s awesome.” And he’s like, “yeah, I fucking know. “I feel sorry for all the people with diseases “that keep coming in here, man. “The last dude’s eyes didn’t even work. “It was sad. You’re lucky you have your health, ese.” “Orale.”
I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal… I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say “thank you,” people don’t have to say “you’re welcome” anymore. People have stopped. Now, you say “thank you,” and people give you a nod, like… I want to stab you in the fucking ears if you do that shit to me. I do. I’ll go, “thank you,” and they go… I go, “did you not… did you not just hear” what I just said to you, man?” And you get, like, a follow-up nod. So now, I skip it all. I just take shit, and I go…
I find rudeness everywhere. I think the rudest person in the world is a person that waits outside of a grocery store with a petition for you to sign. What a fucking asshole you are. They do that, and do you know why that’s a shitty thing to do? They’re systematically trying to ruin your happiness. ‘Cause you’re leaving the grocery store, and you’re feeling what? You’re feeling happy. You’re like, “oh, I got soy milk. It’s gonna be a good week. All right.” And then they stop me ab… “sir, could you look at this?” I’m like, “look at what?” And they’re like, “do you want children to starve and die on the streets?” And I’m like… “Now I do… now that you just ruined my day, I do, yeah. I want you to die first, but then I want all of them to die.” I say the opposite of whatever they’re trying to fucking get me to sign. Like, “this is to teach blind people how to do Shakespeare.” I’m like, “I hope they all go deaf first.” And they’re like, “Jesus.” I’m like, “yeah, that’s fucking right. You’re the asshole, not me.” “This is to end the war in Afghanistan.” I go, “I fucking love the war in Afghanistan.” “It’s my favorite war. I hope it goes on for 1,000 years.” And they’re like, “you’re crazy.” I’m like, “that’s right. I’m crazy.” Remember my face and never ask me to sign shit again.”
I can’t get over rude people. I was in a hotel a few weeks ago. I go down to the hotel gym. I get on the treadmill. I run, I don’t know, 70 miles, right? [Laughter] 170 miles, thank you. 170 miles. But I’m alone. There’s nobody in there. I’m sweating. I’m hyperventilating. [Groans] Then, out of nowhere, I just hear, “getting it in?” And I go, “Jesus Christ! What?” This guy goes, “you getting it in?” I go, “getting what in?” He says, “you getting a workout in?” I go, “doesn’t it fucking look like it?” He goes, “yeah, you just gotta keep doing it.” And I go, “okay.” He goes, “nah, I used to be like you.” And I go, “what?” He goes, “I used to be like you. “You just gotta keep eating right and keep doing it, and you’ll get there.” And I was like, “dude, I’m disabled.” [Laughter] And he was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.” Let me… let me point something out. It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them. [Laughter] Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I’m an honest person, and I’m telling you, that shit is terrifying. I don’t want to be like them.
Here’s another bit of information. I also don’t want to look at them. I don’t. I refuse to watch the Michael J. Fox show because I don’t want to see shaky face not stand still for one frame. [Laughter and applause] The guy can’t eat soup. It’s depressing, okay? Try to pawn this thing off as a comedy? Get the fuck out of here. You’re bumming everybody out. How many Parkinson’s jokes am I supposed to applaud with this thing? I won’t watch the show. I’ve seen a commercial. I will not watch that show. You know why? A version of it plays in my head, and it is fucking awful. And I think it’s probably accurate. I really do. I bet you that show is nothing but setups for that shit. I bet it’s just like, here… in the next episode he goes, “dad, can you help me hammer in this nail?” And he goes, “you know they don’t trust me with those.” And then you get to go, at home, “I get it. He’s got fucking Parkinson’s.” You don’t think that’s been fucking pitched in the writers’ room? “It’s pasta night. Dad, can I get some parmesan?” “That’s one thing I can do forever.” [Laughter] “I’m good. I said I’m good.” You don’t think the episode idea has been talked about, where he goes to work, and his coworker gets to say, “you know, I got to get my wife a vibrator.” “That’s one thing my wife doesn’t need.” And then you get to go, “I get it. He’s got fucking Parkinson’s.”
I don’t want to see that shit. I’m sitting at home. I’m trying to have fucking dinner. I’m sitting on my couch. We have a table, but I’m an adult, and I can sit wherever I want. So I’m sitting on the couch, about to have dinner, and this fucking… a girl… two girls… one girl… a girl… two… one… a girl… two girls… one girl who has two heads on one body comes on. Their heads face each other. Their heads are like, “Mmm.” They look like they’re gonna grunt. They look like they’re gonna go, “Mmm… Aah!” Like that, but they don’t. This comes on TV. There’s no warning on the screen, like, “hey, in a second, you might shit yourself.” Put down whatever you’re holding, seriously.” I’m sitting there, about to eat chicken paprikash, and it’s hot, and I go… [Blows] And then I look up, and I go… [screams] Ten seconds later, I’m wiping the back of my legs. Now… I’ll be honest, when she first appeared on-screen, I was like, “hey, lady, you’ve got something on your shoulder.” “No, you, you’ve got something on your shoulder.” But then, I realized, “Tommy, why are you so upset? “You love monsters.” Now… [sighs] Here’s what’s upsetting about this show. If you’re gonna air a fucking freak show, which is what that is, do you mind? Could you please include the freaky shit? That’s why we’re watching. You watch this show, the two girls with the fucking one body, two heads. [Mumbles] They’re like, “what?” “Yeah. Here’s what she likes to do. “She likes to get, fucking, her nails done. What’s the problem?” You’re like, “she has two fucking heads that face each other. Why are you cutting out scenes that I know exist?” There’s got to be days where one of them is like, “I feel like going out tonight.” “Well, I feel like staying home.” “Well, I control the legs. We’re fucking going.” Where’s that? What about people that one of ’em loves and one of ’em hates? That has to happen. They have separate minds. “We’re going to Tony’s house.” “I fucking hate Tony.” “Well, I’m gonna blow him, “so you better get ready for ball duty. Meh.” [Laughter] I can feel your judgment. I reject your judgment completely. First of all, everybody loves blow jobs. Secondly, I’m not making this shit up. If your Siamese twin sister is doling out bjs, you’re along for the ride. You don’t have to participate, but you’re at least there, I don’t know, giving notes, I guess. “Mm, mm, mm.” “You have horrible technique. Meh.” “I can see your teeth. Meh.” “Why is it so dry? Meh.” All right, we’ll move it along. I get it. Not everybody’s on board with double-headed bjs. Will you at least admit to me, and more importantly to yourself, that you would love to see the girl with two heads take a shit? Just to see if the faces match up, right? Just to see if one of them’s like… [Grunts] And the other one’s like, “hey, take it easy. It’s my ass too, you know.” Oh, come on. I really wish that each and every one of you could see my internet search history. Because I think you would all say the same thing. I think you would all be like, “this is one sick, twisted, deviant pervert, who also loves current events.” My history is literally a back-and-forth volley of, like, “big, sloppy tits” smacked back and forth by 13 cocks.” “What’s going on in Syria?” I feel badly about watching so much of it too. You know why? ‘Cause it’s lazy. I know watching that much porn is lazy. It gets in the way of other things I want to do, like learn another language. I’d love to learn another language, but there’s too much porn to watch. Why not combine the two, right? Have you seen these language videos? They are boring. “The man is sitting down.” You’re like, “all right.” Have you seen an anal gangbang? Super exciting. Here’s what I propose. You download the series, and then tutorial number one begins to play. All right? Here’s what happens. An elevator door opens. A woman is giving a guy a blow job, all right? Like, an aggressive blow job. Not one of these, like… [Hums] No. I mean, like… [Gagging] Where you’re like, “Jesus Christ! “Is the answer in there? Is that why she’s doing that?” And she has tears running down her face and slobber all over herself. And she goes… “[Gagging]”. “Which way is the subway? [Speaks Spanish] [Gags]”. You’re like, “now it’s sinking in.” Some of you didn’t like that one. I can tell by your faces. Maybe that’s because you’re more advanced and you’re ready for tutorial number two. In this one, a man is chained to a wall. His arms and his legs are chained, and he’s completely naked, and you’re like, “whoa. What’s going on here?” And then, a few seconds later, a woman enters frame, and she’s wearing, I don’t know, a 15-inch strap-on. She doesn’t say hello or tap him on the shoulder. No warning, just bow! You’re like, “holy shit!” And she just goes to hammer town. She’s like, “bow! Bow! Bow!” And you’re like, “what the fuck?” And then, after, like, the tenth stroke, she goes, “this salad is too spicy. [Speaking Spanish]”. And you’re like, “I’m learning Spanish. Can somebody pass me a Kleenex?”
[Sighs] Mm. I’m married. You like that segue? I like being married. I do. You see a lot of comics, you go to shows, and they’ll be like, “I love getting out of the house, just so I can get away from that bitch.” And you’re like, “wow, sounds like you married a real fucking asshole, man. That’s awesome.” I like it. You know what the best part of being married is? You get to stop pretending. And that’s what fucking dating is. It’s an act. You’re on Broadway. For however long you’re dating, you’re doing an act, and it looks exhausting. That’s why if you’re dating and you’ve ever been out in public, and you see married people look at you like this, and you’re like, “what the fuck are they looking at?” They’re tired for you. It is… it’s an act, and it’s exhaust… you see it all… dating is a guy going, “uh, just so you know, I’m this guy.” And the girl’s like, “well, just so you know, I am this girl.” And then you get married, and you’re like, “uh, so can we knock this shit off?” And she goes, “I hope so”, “because I gotta fart pretty bad. I’ve actually had to fart for, like, four years.” “All right. Let that fart out.” Sexually liberating to get married. It is, really is. Especially for men, ’cause here’s what happens. When you start dating somebody, you know, your first thing is like, all right, you see the girl, and you’re like, “I want to get in there.” That would be… or however you phrase it in your head, right? [Laughter] Right, and then, you go out on a few dates, and as you get closer to the act… the magical act happening, a lot of times a woman will ask a guy. She’ll be like, “oh, so, like, what are you into?” What do you like?” And this is when a man’s brain goes, “don’t scare her. You could fuck this up for us.” So we lie to you, and we’re like, “oh, I like to hold hands.” “Uh, I like if you go… [Blows] On my neck. That’s cool.” Then you get married, and you’re like, “I want you to yank on my ball bag “like you’re stuck at sea and this is the only motor that’s gonna take you home.” [Laughter and applause] A lot of girlfriends can’t handle that shit. Girlfriends will be like, “ugh, what?” But a wife? A wife will go, “that it?” And you’re like, “oh, yeah, I get you for, like, 50 years.” She’s like, “yeah, I’ll spit butter in your ass.” Whatever you want, man.” Or whatever. Margarine, I don’t know. Whatever you’re into, so… olive oil. You find, the longer you’re with somebody, you’re like, everybody has something. Everybody has something weird and kinky and different. Everyb… and you suppress it, and you go, like, “oh, my god.” “If anybody knew… oh, my god. I would fucking die if somebody knew.” Everybody has something. And you’re like, “no, not everybody. What about Jim? He wears a blazer.” Jim too. Jim likes to be hit in the nuts with a wrench, okay? Jim’s out of his fucking mind. I tour the country. I ask people all the ti… I hear shit. You cannot make this sh… I was at a show. I asked people in the aud… like, “what’s your fucking craziest thing?” And a lady in the front row, she goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “oh, never mind.” [Laughter] I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “all right. “I like to think of different scenarios in which to kill my husband.” And I was like, “damn.” And he was sitting right there, and he was like, “that’s what’s up. That’s what she likes.” I was like, “really?” And she was like, “oh, yeah.” I go, “you go, ‘I’m super horny. “‘I had the best dream “‘that you were floating in the pool, and then I threw a cement block at your head.'” and she goes, “that would be a great one.” Same show, I swear to you, a lady goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “I like to sit on my husband’s face.” And I go, “that’s not that unique. You can’t really claim that that’s your weird thing.” And she goes, “yeah, but I only like to feel his eyelashes” against my butt cheeks.” And I was like, “what?” [Laughter] And she goes, “mm-hmm.” And I was like, “I didn’t even know that was a thing.” And she was like, “oh, yeah.” Like, “where the fuck have you been?” And I’m like, “what if he, like, you know, sneaks a lick”, like, ah-ah, like that?” And she goes, “I go, ‘no!'” I just want to feel squink-squink-squink.” So stop feeling weird and sit on people’s faces, all right? That’s what I want you to leave here with.
Guys, we’ve covered a lot of stuff tonight. We really have. Some of you might, you know, not think highly of me. I don’t know, some of you might be like, “this guy’s fucking stupid.” Some of you might think I’m offensive. Some of you might think I’m unenlightened. I don’t know. But I will tell you this. I believe in humanity. I do. I believe we’re all here together, and I believe there’s no such thing as coincidence. And I think I can tell you the story that will also make you believe this, all right?
A few years ago, I was in Washington D.C., and I was sharing a cab with a woman I didn’t know. Never met her before in my life. We’re splitting the cab. Midway through the ride, as I’m looking out my window, I hear the woman go, “hey.” And I thought she was gonna be like, “hey, like, you want to fuck or something?” And I was gonna be like, “I can’t. I’m married. So make it quick, all right?” I look over, I’m like, “what is it?” And she goes, “is this yours?” And she’s holding a wallet. And I go, “no, it’s not mine.” And she goes, “oh, it must be the previous rider’s wallet.” I’ll just give it to the driver.” And I go, “don’t do that. Look at him.” “He looks like a cab driver. “He probably smokes crack every once in a while. You can’t trust these guys.” I go, “give it to me.” I’ll get it back to the rightful owner.” And she goes, “really?” I go, “yeah.” She gives me the wallet. Now, I feel obligated to find the owner. But here’s the honest-to-god truth, I really want to. I’ve always dreamed about finding a wallet. I don’t know why. I dreamed I would find a wallet, I would open it, it would have $1,000 in it, I would get it back to the rightful owner, it would turn out to be, like, Will Smith, and then he’d be like, “do you want a helicopter?” And I’d be like, “yeah.” And then I’d be like, “I got a family in Denver. Do you like furniture?” So I open this wallet. It has $2, a grocery store rewards card, and a community college I.D. So I have found not Will Smith’s wallet. But I still try to do the right thing. I call the grocery store, I explain the situation, and I go, “can you help me out?” And they go, “no, we’re a grocery store. “We don’t track people down. Eggs are on sale. Go fuck yourself.” And I was like, “cool.” Thank you. Thank you for your help.” Then, I call the community college, and I speak to literally every department in the community college for 41/2 hours, before I finally get a contact number. I call the number, and a man answers the phone who I can only imagine has never used a phone before, ’cause he actually answers the phone with a noise. So just to break this shit down, I don’t know if you’ve ever used a phone before, but usually, when you call someone, [mimics phone ringing] And they pick it up, they say, “hello.” That’s fucking it. That’s what people say when they answer the phone. Maybe if they’re in a bad mood, “what?” Those are the two options. This man answers the phone… [Mimics phone ringing] Picks it up, and he goes, “ah.” And I go, “hello?” And he goes, “wah.” And I go, “I’m gonna talk, and then you talk.” And he goes, “yeah.” Like, it was the first time someone explained to him how fucking phone calls work. Up until that point, he was just like, “that made a noise.” “I’m gonna make a noise too. Ah.” So I go, “hey, I found this wallet.” “I was given your number. I’m trying to return the wallet.” And he says, “it’s probably my son’s wallet. “He’s always losing shit because he’s a piece of shit.” That’s the first thing… I don’t even know how to respond. I’m like, “ah.” I go, “well, can I give him his shit back?” He goes, “he’s a real asshole.” And I go, “we’re talking about your son right now?” And he goes, “yeah, I don’t think he’s gonna amount to anything.” I go, “Jesus Christ.” I go, “maybe he will amount to something” if he gets his wallet back.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah.” I’ll let him know you called.” And then he hangs up the phone without taking my information. So his plan is to go to his son and be like, “some guy found your wallet. Yeah, I don’t fucking know,” and just, like, walk away.
So I’m super frustrated. I tried to do the right thing, right? I forget about the wallet. A year goes by. A year, a calendar year. I go back to D.C. I go in town, I call a friend, we go to a restaurant, just a random restaurant. We sit down, and the waiter comes up to take our order, and I go, “Justin?” And he goes, “how do you know my name?” And I go, “dude, I have your wallet.” And he goes, “oh, do you have it on you?” I go, “no, I don’t fucking walk around with your wallet.” “I don’t go, ‘I got my wallet, and I got Justin’s wallet. Now, I’m ready to go out.’ No, you fucking psycho.” And he goes, “do you want to hear about today’s specials?” And I go, “do you want to acknowledge that this is an amazing moment in both of our lives?” And he goes, “what do you mean?” “What do I mean? “I found your wallet in a cab in D.C. a year ago. “I don’t know how many cabs are here, but I think it’s a lot. “I got told no 100 times by 100 people trying to find you. “My hotel room used to look like an episode of NCIS. “There was pins and charts connecting shit to each other. “I spoke to your father, who’s not a fan. “I don’t know if you knew that or not. “I come to a restaurant at random, “I get seated in your section, “and I recognize you from your I.D. “That’s burned into my memory. You don’t think that’s fucking amazing?” And he goes, “we have a prime rib special. We also have a penne pasta.” I can’t eat. I’m like, “what the fuck?” He comes by, I go, “look, I don’t want to make a big thing here, “but I do remember that I have your wallet in my bag… “my bag in my hotel room. If you want to come by, I will give you your wallet.” And he goes, “okay.” I go back to the hotel. I hear a knock at the door. And now, I’m expecting him to lose his shit. I think the situation merits freaking the fuck out. I think he was playing it cool, and now he’s gonna be like, “I didn’t want to say this earlier. We should open a surf shop in Maui together, you know?” Or, like, “this is my newborn son. I want you to have him,” like that shit. So I hear a knock at the door. I open the door, I’m like, “hey.” And he goes, “hey, you got my wallet?” And I go, “yeah,” and I give it to him, and he goes, “cool.” And he turns around, and he walks away. No. It is not cool. So I open the door, and I see him about to get on the elevator. I go, “hey, Justin!” And he goes, “yeah.” And I go, “your dad’s right… you’re a fucking asshole”, and you’re never gonna amount to anything,” and I shut the fucking door. [Applause] You fucked up, Justin. You could’ve been here, man. Thank you, guys. You were amazing. Have a great night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheers and applause]