Recorded before a live audience at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago
(Music playing) (Cheering, applause) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of “The Office” and “Extras,” writer, director, actor, producer, philanthropist, winner of three Golden Globes, two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs, all the way from England, Mr. Ricky Gervais! (Cheering) Hello. Hello. (music ends)
Thank you. Hello, Chicago. How are you? Wow wow. (Cheering, applause) Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, um… Thank you. Thank you. That was an amazing welcome. I should explain something straightaway. Usually when I come out onstage, it’s amazing, okay? I’m doing cartwheels and backflips. It’s fucking spectacular, right? But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true actually. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking… Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf. But no, I’ve been in agony. I’m actually on painkillers right now, so… No, it’s true. If I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul, you’ll know why. I’m not drunk. So when the doctor… This is true. When the doctor gave me the painkillers, he said, “Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these.” And I went, “I don’t want them then.” And he went, “What?” I said, “Give me something you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, “Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” “Who are you, my fucking mother? Just…” So I’ve been walking round like the elephant man for days, but without the big cock obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to match the head. That would make things all right then, wouldn’t it? That would sort of balance it out, because then he’d look in the mirror and he’d sort of go, (muttering) “Oh no. Oh look at that fucking head. Hold on, though. What’s going on down here?” Like, “Hey!” Swings it round about. “So let’s celebrate. The buns are on me.”
So yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel though. Don’t you hate that, when a night is canceled? You turn up, it goes, “Concert canceled due to sore throat.” Aw. Or “I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw, poor little artist. Can you imagine the laborer trying that? Turning up and going, “I’ve got a little tickle and I’m fed up.” Aw, move the fucking bricks, mate. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago, okay? – And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland… – (Applause) Which is off of… Yeah, it’s off the coast of Great Britain. It’s not part of Britain, but it’s very close. It’s sort of like our Cuba, I suppose. It’s like… Man: Ouch! (Laughs) And… and so… Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena, 10,000 seats sold out well in advance, flights booked, really looking forward to it. A few days before the gig, they start grounding the airplanes because there’s a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay? And if you fly through it, apparently, it would make the plane fall out of the sky. And it was like that was it. You couldn’t fly in that. I mean, a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t… What’s the point of Iceland, really? You know what I mean? What are they think… Just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete, okay? Just… In fact, tarmac the whole country and make it a car park for real Europe, because it’s a waste of fucking space, okay? And so I’m thinking, “Well, I’ve gotta get there. I can’t cancel.” And there were pop stars and people coming over from America, and they were canceling their flight because they couldn’t get in and out. I thought, “I can’t.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. It cost me £12,000, right. Just because I couldn’t bear to let anyone down or take the ferry. That was… They were still running, sure. But that would have meant mixing with the general public, and I don’t… This is about as close as I ever… you know. So… I don’t know if you were affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends that were stuck all over the world. And they missed weddings and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days they hadn’t budgeted for. And they couldn’t get their money back because the airlines were saying, “No, we can’t pay you because the insurance companies won’t pay us, because they’re saying it’s an act of God.” Well, what isn’t an act of God? Look, if you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. Isn’t that right? Everything is an act of him. He’s all-powerful. He’s everywhere at once. He invented every… There was nothing before him. He invented time, everything. He’s across it all. He doesn’t miss a trick and he’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off isn’t like him going, “Fuck, I left the oven on.” You know, it’s… And who are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they know? Have they got a hotline to God? They call him up, do they? Ring ring. Ring ring. “Yello?” “Uh, can I speak to God, please?” “Speaking.” “Oh, I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” “What do you want?” “Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud… Was that you?” “Yeah yeah. Yes, that was an act of me, all right.” “So I shouldn’t pay out?” “No, don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” “Brilliant brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” “There’s a lot of Steve Baxters.” “Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. It happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year.” “2:15, 3rd of… No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” He does everything. He does everything.
Mm, I don’t make the rules. And well, I’m glad I didn’t cancel because it’s fantastic to be here seeing your happy smiley faces, probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. – Or am I… – (Cheering, applause) Shut up. I know, I know. You lucky fuckers. You really… I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. I hadn’t really… Is it still… I don’t… It really didn’t affect me if I’m being honest. Oh dear. We can laugh about it now. No, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out you could go into your bank and say, “Can I withdraw my cash?” And they could go, “No.” “What?” (Weaselly voice) “No, we ain’t got it.” “I’ve got £50,000 saved.” (Laughs) “You ain’t. You ain’t.” “Where is it?” “Lost it.” “Well, have you checked the vault?” “It’s empty.” “Well, what was the point of that? You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I don’t…
I hope you enjoy the show. Or you’ll let me know, won’t you? If I say something funny, you’ll laugh and I’ll go, “Oh, I’ll keep that in for the rest of the tour.” If I say something that isn’t funny, you won’t laugh and I’ll go, “I’ll lose that bit.” So some bits tonight will be exclusive to you. They… they will be the shit bits, granted. Okay, let’s start the show. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. You can have too much of a good thing, can’t you? Like heroin. What? Though too much heroin is death, basically. That’s when you know you’ve had too… You go, “Fuck, I’m dead. I’m fucked.” That’s the thing though with heroin. Try anything once, kids, sure, but know this. No no. You think, “I’ll try a heroin. I’ll just try one. Give me… give me a heroin. Give me one heroin, okay?” Just have one. “What’s it like?” “It’s fuckin’ lovely. I want more. I can’t just have…” It’s like Pringles. It’s like once you pop, you can’t stop. That’s… I think that’s how it works.
I’m not an expert. Believe it or not, I’ve never been a heroin addict. No round of applause for that? See? No. See? No round of applause for never having been a heroin addict. If I’d have come out here and go, “I used to be a heroin addict… I used to mug people and shit myself in doorways…” – ( Cheering, applause ) – Exactly. “Oh yeah! He… he hasn’t done those things for a while. He hasn’t done those things that we never did in the first place.” Why are you applauding someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society? It’s like I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’ve lost about 20 lbs. Exactly! – ( Cheering, applause ) – What? No no. You’re basically applauding me for only eating as much as I need now. I should have… I should have always been doing that. I got fat because I was a greedy, lazy bastard. There’s no other explan… and I needed people to… They come up to me now and they go, “Oh, well done. You look great.” But they weren’t telling me I looked terrible. They’re basically saying I looked terrible, but no one told me at the time. It was really taboo. I needed waiters to come over and go, “Fuck off. You’ve had enough.”
And I’ve been criticized in the past for having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the fact that you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off.. That’s simple science. I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. But that’s what happens… You get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? Now the thing is people think I’m having a go. I’m not because I don’t judge them. If I see a fat person, I don’t make assumptions about them other than how they got fat. And, this is the other thing, they… No, wait wait. Not only is that what makes you fat… People know that’s what’s making them fat. No one got fat behind their own back. No one ate and then went, “What the fuck’s that?” It’s not a surprise. It’s a gradual process. You have loads of time to back out from this project at any… Also, no one’s sneaking into thin people’s apartments and then injecting their lettuce with a million calories. That doesn’t happen, okay? They know what’s doing… If you go to a bloke and he’s surrounded by cakes and pies and you go, “You know what’s making you fat, don’t ya?” He doesn’t go, “Is it all the running?” He knows what… But I don’t make judgments other than how they got fat. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, “Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s jolly,” right? A lot of them are miserable, aren’t they? If… if I see a fat girl, I don’t go, “Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t fall for that. A lot of them started eating because they had fuck all to lose, so… No. But there’s no stigma attached because… People don’t even want to use the word “fat” now because they think it’s derogatory. It’s a real taboo subject, so they use euphemisms. They go, “Oh, you know Brenda, the f– big girl?” “What, seven foot?” “No no. Not tall.” “What does she look like?” “Brenda… you know, she… She’s the one who’s clammy even in winter.” Just say she’s fat. Nothing wrong with it. It’s their choice. It’s up to you if you wanna be fat. But they don’t. They go, “You know, Brenda… She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” Just… But even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I feel sorry for them, all right. No, I do, particularly fat women, cause fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we just go, “Fuck it. All bought and paid for.” You know. We don’t come under the same constraints of society, whereas women are inundated with images of how you should be… size 0 models, this diet, that diet. Look like this. Keep your man. And they make such an effort, don’t they, fat girls? They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. They’ve got lovely hair. Always got lovely hair. Always got those lovely false nails, don’t they? They make an effort. Anything but jogging, right? They love high heels, don’t they? They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. It just… You can just hear them coming now. I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs. So next time, buy two seats. I’m… I’m joking. There’s… I’m joking. Shut up. I’m not having a go; I’m just pointing out, you know…
I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back. Radio 4, quite highbrow. There was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straightaway. And there was this woman on there going, “Oh yeah, well, it’s not right. Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes about fat people. He wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? And being fat is like being gay.” What? No it’s not. What? You can’t choose your sexuality. As we’ve established… You choose whether to eat too much or not. You know, with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, and that’s it. You’re gay, okay? For being gay to be the same as being fat, you’d have to be born, be straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. “Happy 16th birthday, son. This is Raoul. Suck his cock.” “Sorry, father?” “Suck his cock. 16 now. Suck his cock.” “I… I’m heterosexual.” “Oh, with his newfangled words. Suck his cock, come on.” “I… I don’t like cock, father.” “‘Doesn’t like cock.’ How would you know if you’ve never tried it? Ah! Suck his cock.” “I don’t…” “Suck one cock. Suck…” “Ugh.” “Well, that’s not sucking it. That’s playing with it. Put it in your mouth. Put it…” “Ugh. Oh.” “Look, have a go. You might like it.” “Ugh.” “It’s not so bad, is it?” “No, it’s not. I fucking love these!” If that happened, then being gay would be the same as being fat. But it doesn’t, so it’s not, okay?
I was on a plane last year going from New York to L.A. And me and my girlfriend were on one side of the plane. There was the aisle. And the other side… There were these two huge, fat men. Proper proper proper fat. One of them just got on and went, “Can I have a belt extension?” “Yeah, of course you can. You’ve earned it.” So… proper… In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, “Should one of us swap with one of them? Otherwise we’re just going to Canada. Do you know what I mean?” And one of them was even fatter than the other one. She was there and she’d got on the plane with one of those take-away buckets of fast food. Bucket! I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just give up? When did they go into a shop and go, “Oh, fuck it. Just treat me like a farmyard animal.” “Really?” “Give me it in a bucket. In fact, just strap it to my fuckin’ head and I’ll just…” “A bucket? Really? You want your meal in a bucket?” “Yes.” So she’s there and she’s chowing down. And I swear she turns to her fat friend and says, “This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” But I’m not having a go. I’m not having a go. No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Because even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I don’t know if you know this about fat people… They fucking love cake. They love it. They love it, right? And I blame the food industries, because you go into a supermarket and it’s just packed with that stuff. Everything’s packed with hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything. And they… they love that. And there’s always a big door, isn’t there, to a supermarket. There’s always a… They’ve got a quadruple door, isn’t it? No one’s ever been too fat to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? And it opens automatically, so they don’t have to waste calories pushing anything. There’s just… And it’s a good job it opens automatically because usually it’s glass and they can see the pie from down the road and they’re in like that. Grazing, right? So I say keep the big door. Keep the big door. Sure, keep the big door. Come on, fat people. Come… In you go. But when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg. It’s all whole grain. It’s all stuff that’s good for you. Of course they’ll be confused at first. They’ll go, “What?” That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re… they’re looking… “Where’s the cakes? Where’s the cakes?” The cakes are over here. The cakes are through a different door, but this door is human-sized. So now they’ll go, “There’s the cakes.” They’re gonna… “Oh fuck, I can’t get in. I can’t… I can’t get through the fuckin’ door. I can’t…” ( Whimpering ) And they’re starving. They’ll go, “Oh God, I’ve got… what’s this? I’ve gotta eat. What’s this? A banana.” ( Retching ) Right? And they’ll go back. “Oh no, I still can’t…” Back and have a carrot. ( Retching ) They’re back and forth for days and the fat’s falling off them. Soon they can slip through the door and have a cake. They can’t get out again. No, but I mean… But we’ve gotta do something. We’ve gotta intervene. And people say, “No, it has nothing to do with you. It’s up to them. It’s their body. It’s their life.” And that’s true, but we don’t say that about wearing crash helmets. Or if you’ve got a heroin addict in the family, you don’t go, “Oh, it’s his life. He loves heroin.” You know, you… you go, “No, you’ve gotta stop this. Please don’t die.” And you get him and you throw him in a cupboard for three weeks or something. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard. You’d do your back in like me. But, you know, heroin addicts… They don’t weigh anything. You can throw them around willy-nilly, right? In fact, when they’re lying there with a needle hanging out, you just get the needle and flick, and they just go into the cupboard like that. Fat people, you’ve gotta lure them in… a little trail of chocolates. And they just follow that anywhere, like that.
But we’ve got to do something because a third of the world are obese and a third of the world are starving. The fat ones are eating the skinny ones’ food basically. I know most of the skinny ones are in Africa, so out of sight, out of mind, I know. But… No no. I can talk about Africa like that because I’m from Britain and we used to own it. We did when we had the empire and we ruled the world. Before you took over we used to… We owned Africa. But then in the ’50s and ’60s Africa wanted to be self-ruled. They wanted independence and they said, “We’d like to run ourselves.” We went, “Fine.” So gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans. And by the ’70s it was totally run by the, you know, Africans themselves. And of course in the ’80s, we get a phone call. “Hello?” “Hello?” “Who’s that?” “Africa.” “What do you want?” “We’re starving.” “You should’ve thought of that before you wanted independence.” “Well, we didn’t know there’d be a drought, did we?” “Drought? I’ll give you a drought.”
This is true. When I was a kid… I was about 10… we had a really long hot summer and there was a hosepipe ban. You couldn’t water your flowers. We’ve all suffered. So… That’s true actually. One long hot summer, and the water ran out. We didn’t know what to do. We thought, “What could we do?” And there was people coming round your house, trying to tell you how to conserve water. They were saying, “When you brush your teeth, don’t let the tap just run. Put a little glass down.” And they came round. They were putting house bricks in the cistern of the toilet to save water. And there was public information films on the television. There was one advert… It was like an animation and it was, like, a couple in the bath, and it said, “Conserve water: Take a bath with a friend.”
Which I did. I say a friend; He was more a friend of my granddad’s. But… No. £10 is a lot to a kid in England. What? He taught me a lot. He taught me a lot… Stuff like, “You don’t wash it like that. Give it here.” No, he was a sweet old man. I used to call him granddad Charlie. He wasn’t my real granddad. He was just an old bloke who lived across the road who used to come round whenever he saw my parents go out. And he’d come round… “Mom and dad out?” “Yeah?” “All right, do you wanna see a magic trick?” “Yeah.” He’d draw the curtains and he’d make me close my eyes, and he’d sit down and he’d put a top hat on his lap like that. A magic hat, right? And he’d go, “Close your eyes and feel the magic rabbit.” I used to go up and I used to… I used to go in. I used to feel the little… A weird little thing it was. Didn’t have any fur or ears. And it used to go… And it was scared stiff, it was. It was terrified. And he’d make me stroke it for… And I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my…
Shut up. Shut up. Fuck off. Oh dear, oh. Where was oh yeah, famine. Famine is a problem, which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out. This happened Christmas before last, exchanging gifts with old friends, good friends, quite well-off friends if I’m being honest. I got them a coffee-making machine from Harrods. Top of the range. They loved it. They gave me my present. It was just an envelope. I thought, “Ih, what’s this? Vouchers?” Opened it up. It wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card with a picture of a goat on it. And I said, “What’s this?” They went, “Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” “What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, “Is it too late to take that back?” “And what is…” “Oh, we gave a goat to an African family.” “Did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all then basically. Mean, I don’t even know this African family. Why would I give them a goat? It doesn’t make… This serves no purpose at all. This is no good for anyone. They’re 50 quid down. I’ve got nothing. The African family’s going, “Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, “Where the fuck am I? This… what the f… This is shit. A week ago I was gamboling round the Cotswolds. There was grass and tourists with nuts and… This is a fucking dust bowl.” There’s no way that goat wanted to go to Africa. It was basically… It was kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa like “Roots” in reverse. There was no… There was no way. They went, “Do you want to go to Africa?” It went, “Definitely not. No no.” “Oh, come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, lions.” “Come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, AIDS.” “Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” “It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with that charity shit, particularly at Christmas. That’s when they get you. They give you a guilt trip at Christmas. All the adverts of a charity at Christmas. You’re sitting at home, aren’t you, having your Christmas lunch… loads of food, too much food. Probably gonna throw a lot of it away, right? And things like this come on the telly. This runs every Christmas day in England. It goes, “Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” Yeah. I fuckin’ hate her. Nosy bitch winds me up all year round, okay? I can’t wait for the cold weather. There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So result, yeah. Brilliant. The other big one is “A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” I’m right behind that. I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, “Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” And they go, “No.” “Can I have a puppy? Can I…” And they get them a puppy to shut them up, right? And the kid likes it when it’s cute. It grows up. The kid gets other interests, gets bored with the dog. They lumber the parents with it. The parents get bored with it. They abandon it. 11,000 pets were abandoned in England last year, which is terrible. And I think, you know, kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons.
I haven’t got kids, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews. And they’ve got kids of their own now. I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. Here’s a tip. This is what I do, anyway. You’ve gotta wait till Christmas eve. And always go to an animal rescue center, not a breeder. I go along to an animal rescue center Christmas eve, and I go to the veterinary part. They’ve usually got, like, a runt who’s been born sort of disabled with no quality of life, and they’re just putting that out of its misery. And I go, “No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, “It’s only gonna live a day.” Perfect. Perfect. So… so… and I run home. I’m going, “Don’t die yet. Don’t die yet. Hold on.” A little bit of Starbucks. A little bit of Starbucks. And I rush in. I call my niece. She comes running. “Uncle Ricky!” “Got you a puppy.” “Uncle Ricky, you got me a puppy!” “Yeah, your best uncle got you a puppy. Yeah. Go on, play with it quick. Go on, play with it.” She takes it to bed with her Christmas eve and she sleeps with it. She wakes up Christmas day, it’s dead, cold, stiff, gone. So result. Not a problem. And they always come down the next day, they go, “Oh, my puppy’s dead. My puppy’s dead.” They go, “Oh, what? The puppy your uncle got you? He did his bit, and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” They go, “Yeah.” And I go, “Maybe you rolled over it in the night.” “Oh, did I? Oh no! Oh no!” And then they start “I killed my puppy.” “I killed my puppy.” And they go, “No, you didn’t kill your puppy.” Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday ’cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.”
They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign at Christmas: Don’t drink and drive. Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached to that these days. When I was growing up, it was whether you got away with it or not. But people now know it’s sort of… It wrecks lives. I’d be getting in the car when I was a kid with grown-ups, family. I’d be going, “No, you can’t drive. You had too much to drink.” And they go, “It’s all right. I won’t get caught.” But now people know that’s wrong. I’ve done it once and I’m not proud of it. I’m fucking ashamed of it. That was Christmas. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t be driving. But I learned my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. No, in the end I didn’t kill her. In the end I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. Luckily for me, a thousand-to-one shot, she had Alzheimer’s. So not a credible witness. Spiders… Oh, spiders. They’re always ready, aren’t they? Aren’t they always ready for… They’re always ready for action, a spider. It’s always completely fucking ready for action like that. Always ready for action, always. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You startle a cat and it’ll go… ( Gasps ) For a few seconds. Then it goes back to chill. Most of the time a cat is just laying on the floor, isn’t it? Just on its side, all four limbs just stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the carpet, its head down and all eight legs just stretched out like that. They’re always… Ugh. They’re always ready, okay? And they’re always ready in every direction like the fucking “Matrix,” like that. They don’t have to turn. They’ve got 10 eyes… eight legs and 10 eyes. It’s over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, “That spider’s not ready.” “No? Touch the web.” “What?” “Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individuals in each species. And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. There could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth. Best guess, okay? And that’s 1% of all animal species that have ever existed. 99% of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct, and that remaining 1% is five million strong. Take one of those species… termites. If we were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on earth.
And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. It’s the book of Noah, the children’s edition. I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week. I believed in all this till I was eight. “St. Agnes Sunday School. Presented to: Rikki Gervais…” R-i-k-k-i. Like a fucking mongoose, right? “…For regular attendance.” Not even for being good at anything; Just for turning up. “He’s always here. Give him a prize. He’ll be back.” “Thank you. Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. “Long long ago, when God first made the earth…” I’ll let both those points go. We haven’t got time. Right. “Long long ago” by the way, according to the Bible, is 5,000 years. According to the old testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years old, okay? It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in, pop that in. “4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the earth and sky…” All right, don’t bring it up. It comes as a package really, doesn’t it? I mean… Do you know what I mean? The sky was never an optional extra. It’s like, “Made you a planet.” “I can’t breathe.” “Would you like an atmosphere?” “Of course I fuckin’ would.” So, well done, but… “Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself.” Arrogant, right? “But very soon, they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. You don’t get much more wicked than that, do you? “Fuck… Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Ah!” God just looking on. “Oh, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Oh, see what happens, yeah. Oh, see what happens.” The bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ( Groans ) Right. “God looked at them and said to himself, ‘they are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.'” really? Really? Straight to genocide? What happened to one verbal and two written warnings? Straight… Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because a fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? Really? Fuck. Anger management, man. Just calm the fuck down. Let’s… just chill. Let’s talk about this. Wow!
I read that to Karl Pilkington, right? – Who is… Yes. – (Audience cheering) Yes. Head like a fuckin’ orange, I know, yeah. I read that bit to him. “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.” And Karl said, “He sounds gay.” I said, “What… what do you mean?” He went, “Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was, like, having a hissy fit. Like he’s going, “No, they treat me like a bastard, I’m gonna treat them like a bast… I’m gonna show them. I’m gonna wipe ’em out.” I said, “Karl, God is not gay, okay? Read the Bible. He hates them.” “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? Real… God has gone mad. What? But he’s not gay. God is not gay.
“But there was one man who was still very good. His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend… A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What… what’s he doing… He lives in a cave. What’s he doing with this? “What… what are you doing?” “Seeing God. You never know. You never know.” Handlebar mustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. God is not gay. “God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…'” “You mean men and women?” “Whatever. Whatever.” “‘I am so angry with men that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.'” that’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? “‘It will make so much rain pour down on earth that everything will be drowned, but not you. I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it.'” “Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate. Oh, cheers.” “‘And you will make a door in the side of it.'” “Do you think I’m a complete idiot? I know…” “Noah did exactly what God told him. And then God said to Noah…” Now… Okay okay. Now this is aimed at children, admittedly, but it’s taken from the old testament story in the Bible. But I don’t think the author of this book is a zoologist. As we’ve said, there could be five million species of animal. I don’t think he knows them all, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence, okay? “‘I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark… Two lions, two tigers, two elephants and so on.'” “What? I’ve got lions, tigers, elephants… so on. On you go.” “‘Look after them well and keep them alive.’ and Noah did what God said.”
Now I want you to study that scenario. Okay, so God is angry with mankind. He’s fed up with them. They’re wicked. He’s gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife. He’s angry with the animals too for some reason. I don’t… So he’s gonna start again with just two of each species. He calls a flood. They build an ark. Noah goes, “Right, two of each species. Two, just two. Quick, first two.” (Trumpets) There’s a stampede. (Trumpets) Two elephants. (Trumpets) Two toucans…Just walking. There’s no rush. Just strollin’, baby. I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one. This one’s probably going, “Should we fly?” “Nah.” “No?” “Nah.” I could do this all night. “No?” “Nah.” (Snorts) “Sure?” “Yeah.” “I mean, we’ve… Well, we’ve got wings.” (Laughing) “We’ve got feet as well.” “Why don’t you wanna push in?” “That elephant’s looking at me funny.” “Yeah, I… I fuckin’ am. If you try and push in, I’m gonna stamp on you, you… you big-nosed twat.” “Hold on. Who are you calling big-nosed?” “What do you mean?” “No, it’s just pot calling kettle black.” “What the fuck does that mean? What does ‘pot… ‘” “Well, you know, if a pot’s… Oh, forget it.” “I can’t forget it. I’m a fucking elephant.” (Laughing) Oh. Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra. Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment: The giraffes. They got there first… Longer legs, okay? Five million more species to get on there. So two of it… So two animals on the ark at the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? Million as far as… 10 million of them to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on?
“Then God bent the bow of his anger and the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights. The flood water rose higher and higher, until it covered the tops of the highest mountains. Every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? They were fine. They were loving it. They were better off. In fact, all the sea creatures. I mean, mountains underwater… Their domain had increased, like, tenfold. It’s so much more interesting. You’ve got crabs going, “I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to… I’ve never been up here before.” I think of that when you see on the news, like if there’s a little village in Gloucester flooded or something. It’s really sad. You see people… They’ve lost their homes and they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets. And you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater. And I think of a fish just looking in the window of the antique shop for the first time. “So that’s a chaise longue.” “For 150 days the earth was covered with water. Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why are we… Why are we getting cryptic all of a sudden? “He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. It could find nowhere to settle. Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? “But the dove came back too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This is… “There was still no dry land anywhere… “But one day the dove flew out and…” Why did the dove get a second go and not the raven? Racist. “But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch. And Noah knew that God was no longer angry. Then God told Noah to the animals out of the ark. ‘They must once more fill the Earth with living things.’ the first thing Noah did was to build an altar. He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. And Noah said “I’ll make a pact of friendship with you.” ‘I will never again send a flood to destroy the earth. The rainbow, which I’ve put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men… ‘” That is… That is how it is… That is how it is used today. They took it literally. “‘It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.'” “Who?” “You’ll see.” There was… there wasn’t a teaser campaign in the old testament. Coming soon: The sequel. “And so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.”
And that’s just one of 12 in the dove books series. I’ve only got one: Number nine… “Noah.” Although I think my favorite would be number eight just from the title… “Jesus and the Cripple.” ( Cheering, applause )
Thank you. Cheers. Oh dear. I… I read that whole book to Karl and uh… He believed it all. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down.. And I said, “Karl, think. How could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” Karl went, “They said it was a big boat.” Yeah, they did. That’s true. I said, “Put they’re all part of the food chain. They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, “‘Cause in a crisis you all pull together.” Amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes.
I love books of quotations. I love just reading them for… for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations. And one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. When I read “Give us the tools and we will finish the job,” I thought, “How inspiring.” And when I read “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,” I thought, “How patriotic.” And when I read “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations,” I thought, “You cheeky, fat git.”
People always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s have a look to me at the evidence, okay? Here’s one of his. “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Don’t you think? I… No, just… Give him another go. Here’s another one. “I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I think… I want to start that with an “Ooh.” I wanna go, “Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” Do you know what I mean? And I want to end it with, “I can resist everything except temptation. Chance would be a fine thing.” You know? And when he went through customs in New York all those years ago… And the customs officer, just doing his job, said, “Have you anything to declare?” Oscar Wilde famously said, “Nothing but my genius.” Ooh. That wasn’t witty. I bet he planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country it was all “Yes sir,” “No sir.” “Anything to declare?” “No.” “Thanks. On you go.” “Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh! I’m always doing that. Excuse me, can I go back through… No? Ugh!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on the boat to England, just thinking, “If they say that again… ‘Anything to declare?’ ‘Nothing but my genius.’ I’ll be in a book of quotations.” He gets there again weeks later, finds the same bloke, goes up to him. The bloke goes, “On you go.” “Didn’t even fucking ask me that time. Fuck. Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if… Random, fucking random.” Right? Back on the boat. Three weeks later, getting it. Gets there this time, finds the same bloke. Is time he’s started looking shifty so he gets picked out. Like that, right? The blok, right?… “Did you buy anything?” “That’s not the question. Say ‘Have you anything to declare?'” “Okay. Have you anything to declare?” “Nothing but my genius.” “Whose are the butt plugs?” “They’re mine. They’re mine. They’re mine.” Incarcerated in reading jail for homosexuality.
We’ve come a long way from it being punishable to total equality, as it should be of course. In England the gay age of consent is the same as heterosexuality now… 16. And even gay marriage. Although, ironically, the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election… California. They had a referendum. They put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage. I mean, California there’s people going, “That’s why we moved here.” I mean, it’s a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked a bloke once, said, “Sorry, do you mind if these two men get married?” He went, “No. Fine.” “Okay, Jack ’em then.” “What? I didn’t know that was…” That doesn’t happen, does it? That doesn’t happen. It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said gay people were immoral and promiscuous. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, thinking, “That’s the bit they don’t like. With all the other shit we get up to, it’s the marriage bit.” They’d be so confused. They must go to judges and go, “Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” “What do you want to know?” “I just didn’t know what we can and can’t do.” “Ask away.” “Can I marry a man?” “No.” “Can I fuck him up the ass and give him a little reach-round?” “Please.” “I… Can’t marry him, no. But I… and a little… Can I… Can… can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and jizz on him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless?” “Of course you can, yeah.” “But I couldn’t marry him?” “No.” ( Retching ) “No, and don’t ask again, all right?” “Can I line up 15 men…” I’m just riffing here. “Can I line up 15 men and just jack ’em off for a laugh?” “If you want, yeah yeah.” It would be difficult, wouldn’t it? Jacking off 15 men at once. It’d be like plate spinning, wouldn’t it? No. Because you’d have… You could only do two at once really. So you’d have these two ready to blow, but then they’d be losing it. And you’d go, “Fucking hell. Here you go. Oh, fucking hell. All right, all right, all right.” Ain’t it knackering, jacking off 15 men at once? I never thought I’d say that.
Again. No. There’s these people that say, “Being gay isn’t natural.” Well, it is natural, and I’ve got a book to prove it. Homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society. This is a real book. It’s called “Biological exuberance: Animal homosexuality and natural diversity” by Bruce Bagemihl, okay? “The evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community.” That doesn’t mean, like, chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. It just… They sort of spread it out more really. This is a real book. Can we have the first slide, please? Right. Okay? Right. This is a real book, okay? Right? Absolutely real, okay? “Two male stump-tailed macaques in mutual fellatio.” Mutual… They’re sharing. They’re sharing it round. Next slide. Okay. “A male squirrel monkey, right, performing a genital display toward another male.” ( Stammering ) I… He’s just going, “What do you think of that?” And this one’s going, “What?” “Suck it.” Look at his little hand. “Why?” “Because we’re gay.” “I’m not.” “You fuckin’ are.” Look at the way he’s holding him. And he’s got his leg up for extra purchase. He’s going, “Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.” Look at him. ( Gibbers ) Can you imagine face when I discovered this book? Oh my God. ( Giggling ) Next slide, please. Ah, okay. “A female Olympic marmot mounting another female.” Now I don’t know what is in that for either of them… Unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo. One more. One more slide. Oh, this is a doozy. Okay. “Two forms of copulation between male dolphins: Genital slit, or anal penetration, above; and below, blowhole penetration.” Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Basically… He is fucking him in the head! It’s in the head. He’s fucking him in the head, ladies… I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary. I’ve never… Why have I never seen that before? Why are they doing that? Maybe it’s not in the wild. Maybe it’s in seaworld, which is like their prison. And they’re going… they’re going, “Fuck’s sake, they’ve put in two males. Some people think we’re fish. We might as well fucking do it.” I mean, look at his face. Like that. He’s going, “Dave.” “What?” “Could… could we not do it up the ass like them?” “No. It’s in the head or nothing.” ( Laughing ) “D-Dave?” “What?! What?!” “Dave, Dave, I love you… But I can’t fucking breathe.” That is a real book. That is a real book. Can we have the… Look. I love the fact that he found, like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. The gayest animal in the world.
I… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject… No, I do. I do. That’s not the point. I don’t try and offend. If I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, I don’t apologize. No, I think you shouldn’t. You have to be able to justify everything you do. I always think that a comedian should take you to taboo places you haven’t been before. Otherwise you could do it yourself. There’s enough anodyne comedy out there… Just doing things, obvious stuff that, you know, doesn’t make any difference at all. And there’s this spate of comedians saying sorry when they go too far. I just think, you know, you should… They go, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Well, you should’ve known better then. There’s also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying, “Is there anything you shouldn’t make a joke about?” No, there’s nothing you shouldn’t joke about. It depends what the joke is. ( Cheering, applause ) Comedy comes from a good or a bad place, and it’s for you to decide what that is. I think that there’s a big debate about sick jokes. “Comedians doing sick jokes.” Now the thing about sick jokes… When we tell a sick joke, it’s with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a sick joke to a known pedophile. I wouldn’t go, “Here, mate, you’re gonna fuckin’ love this more than anyone, son.” Do you know what I… I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said in my professional career because I refuse to apologize. What can they do to you, you know? Growing up, you try… try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit. Not like the dolphin. I mean, you know, not… When I was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple. They had moved down from the north of England to London. They used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them. They were cool people and they were fun. After we had met them a couple of times, they invited us to a party at their house. And we went along. One, it was a dinner party, which they hadn’t warned us about. But two, it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. And it was both of their parents and grandparents and great uncles… average age about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, “Oh God, we don’t know anyone our own age. Oh, that Ricky and Jane.” So we went along. And we were still getting to know them, so we just spoke to them all night. We didn’t really mingle with the older people. And as I say, we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usually as a getting to know you. We use comedy to break the ice. Are you like-minded? What can you take? What do you like? And I’ve always pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn’t think they could. But, you know… But then everything turns out okay, I suppose. I started off lightly. I told this joke. Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ‘Cause she had no arms. Yeah, sweet. And they laughed… A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks. No. So I thought, “Okay, they get it.” And so you up the ante a little bit. You push… and I told this joke. Ooh, I need a drink. Start the car, seriously. Right. I told this joke. Made sure the old people couldn’t hear, like that. I went, “Okay, a father is sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running in. She’s only six. ‘Hello, darling.’ ‘Hello, daddy.’ ‘You’ve been playing?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘In the park?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘With your friends?’ ‘Well, until the man came along.’ ‘Till the man came along?’ ‘Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, so it was just me and him.’ ‘Darling, come… Come over. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault. Okay, darling? None of it was your fault. But tell daddy every detail. What happened?’ ‘Um, he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘um, he took my dress off.’ ‘Oh God. What happened next? What happened?’ ‘Um, he took his thing out.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘Nothing. That was it.’ ‘Oh well, make something up.'” – Cheers. – Man: Tell us some more, Rick ( cheering, applause ) Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke. Carried on, getting a bit drunk and telling jokes. Eventually we sat down for the meal at about a quarter to 10:00. They put two tables together. The hosts sat at either end and they put me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf 80-year-old man. So the conversation was a bit stilted. After about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says, “Oh, Ricky, tell that joke.” I went, “What?” All the old people went, “Oh, we love jokes.” “Do you?” I looked at Ian and Ian went, “It’ll be fine.” I went, “Okay.” And he got on with his conversation. And so they’re all like that. I went, “Um, oh… Uh… A father is sitting at home, reading the paper. A little girl comes running… ” Told the whole joke. Got to the bit, “Well, make something up.” They went, ahem. Silence. I looked at Ian, he went, “Not that one!”
Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. ( Cheering, whistling )
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Cheers. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I fucking love Chicago. Isn’t it brilliant? – Isn’t it amazing? – ( Cheering ) I’ve had just the best time. Thank you… Thank you so much. I’ll tell you, I’d risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds… anything to get here. It’s fantastic… terrorist attack. I’ve actually always been a nervous flyer, to be honest. I flew a few weeks after 9-11. After 9-11, the world went a little bit crazy, you know? Understandably. The rules changed and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing. And I had always considered myself quite a rational, liberal sort of guy, and I tried to remain that way after 9-11. And even in the pub with mates I’d be the one who was going, “No, you can’t say that. No, that’s a generalization. That’s ridiculous. No, that’s unfair. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 60 million to one, the chance of a…” You know, trying to be rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying it’s more like, “Check him again. Can we check him again? He’s getting on this… Do you mind if I check him? Can I just… can I just…” After 9-11, with all the checks, I still tried to remain rational and philosophical. I was thinking, “Right, it’s harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane. This is… You know, the restrictions are tight. It’s safer now.” And then I found out that a terrorist doesn’t even have to get on the plane now with a bomb. They found heat-seeking missiles, and they could just park up in some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of take-off. So now I’d be on the plane going, “Right, we’re out of range. Who’s got the bomb?” As I said, I flew a couple of weeks after 9-11, internal flight. We’re up in the air. I had done the thing. “We’re out of range. Right, okay.” I was still a bit nervous and I said to the air hostess… I said, “Have you got any magazines?” Think of this. She said, quite loud, quite blasé… she said, “No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9-11.” One: Don’t mention 9-11. Surely a new rule book went round. “Don’t mention 9-11 when you’re handing out the coffee.” Do you know what I mean? Right? Two: Don’t say “Severe cutbacks.” Severe cutbacks… if someone says that, I don’t think of magazines anymore. I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week going, “Do we really need all these rivets?” It’s just… What terrible bedside manner. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. I do it for you, really. Some of the flights I take cost 10,000 pounds, okay? And for 10,000 pounds, in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I’m in to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking loss. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. We’d just be on the news. I’d probably be the only one who’d get name-checked on the news. You’d be “230 others,” which is some consolation.
But anyway… So, okay. Once I was flying back from New York… 9:25, a Saturday night, J.F.K. to London Heathrow, BA, first class. Okay, now this is my point. It’s fear that threatens rational thought, I think. I’m there. Now the whole week leading up to that flight… I don’t know if you remember it or it’s happened more than once. It was a couple of years ago. On every news channel in America there was a rolling tickertape that said “America on red alert. We’ve had intel there’s going to be another 9-11 in a major city, probably New York or L.A. this weekend. Do not fly unless you absolutely had to.” I had to. I was filming. And… ( Laughs ) Right? So I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, and I still tried to remain rational. I was thinking, “No, it’s safer now. Everyone’s looking for a terrorist today. They’ll leave it till Monday.” Right? And then it happened… the thing that threatened my rational thought. I had a little… a bit of a mini-breakdown. Into the first-class lounge, about 30 minutes before boarding, came this guy. I don’t whether he was north African or Middle Eastern or Asian, but he had all the gear, right? Beard, steel attaché case, okay? And here’s your middle-class liberal. I went… I was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation, going, “Flight on time?” They’re going, “Yeah.” “What’s the weather like in London?” Like they were gonna go, “It’s a bit cloudy, but… There he is!” Right? Didn’t happen. So I’m left there, right? I’m looking over at him and I’m thinking of all the… The running up to it and the week coming up to… All the news and everything. But now there’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational. This one goes, “Ooh, that’s a suicide bomber.” “Oh, don’t be stupid. Of course it isn’t.” “It is.” “How do you know?” “That’s what they look like.” “What?” “Beard.” “Don’t be stupid, all right?” Then he makes a phone call. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. This one goes, “Oh, he made a phone call!” This one, “No, you just made a phone call.” “Yeah, but not in foreign.” “Shut up, all right? He’s been checked. Like the rest of us, he’s been checked.” “Did they check the beard?” “Yeah, they checked the beard. Yeah, they checked the beard.” Then I’m looking at him… Must have been absent-minded with all this going on in my head. He catches me looking and he does this. It goes, “Oh, he knows, he knows!” Right? This one goes, “No, he knows why you’re looking at him. He’s had that prejudice for months now. Stop looking at him.” “Ooh, the beard.” “Yeah… ” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world. It starts going, “No, but it could be.” “Well yeah, it could be. Probably not.” “Well, no. The stats are up today.” “Yeah, but still, it won’t happen…” “Don’t say it won’t happen to us. The people of 9-11 said it wouldn’t happen to them.” “Yeah, but all the tests…” “Yeah well, they find new ways of getting through our detection. Then we have to up the game.” “Yeah, you’re right.” And suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, this is it. This is it.” That wave of nausea, and you suddenly realize, “Oh my God, I’m witnessing this…” this one goes, “Okay, right, let’s report him.” This one goes, “No.” “Why?” “In case someone think we’re racist.” “No, fuck that. Let’s report him and be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist, just in case.” And I go, “No.” So I don’t. And so now I think he is a suicide bomber. I think I’m gonna get on the plane and die, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. I’m nearly in tears.
And all this happens in a few moments. I look over and he’s joined by his wife who’s got all the gear and his two little girls. And I suddenly go, “Oh, of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” Right? So… No. I got on the plane, and of course he wasn’t a terrorist. I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it. I was relieved and everything. He was a businessman and a family man. He was playing with his two little girls who kept running up and down and banging into my chair. He wasn’t doing anything about that at all. Nothing about that at all. He was chasing ’em and they were squealing really high, going through… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, to be honest. But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just because I was so rich. No no. No. No, again, my philosophy was I’m the only person on this plane and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so we’re all right, you know. I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad.
Rewind two days before that. I’m at home, having my cereal, my cheerios, and there’s a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back. And I’ve seen a thousand of them. This one was different because it was a missing child, which is always sadder. Well no, it’s sad when anyone goes missing. But presumably, because of her age, this was an abduction and, you know. It was also the language. It was a plea from the mother. It was the wording. She just said the name of the little girl, which I won’t say. I remember it, and the day and place where she was last seen. And she just said, “Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy. Please help me.” And it must have stayed with me. Two days later, I’m there. It’s like a wharf development, waiting for this helicopter. And I’m looking down onto some disused warehouse space. I look in one, right? Someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape. It was like a curtain. And it had fallen away and I can see in. This is a true story. It’s an empty room apart from a mattress. And on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… Five years old, five years old. Blonde hair, blonde hair. Blue eyes, blue eyes. Always happy, crying her eyes out. What? It… it couldn’t have been her. I left it.
Thanks very much. You’ve been amazing. Goodnight, Chicago. Cheers! Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thank… Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers, everyone. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you.