Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin
I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That nigga slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some nigga in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got african-americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have niggas. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: NIGGER! “Pull over… ” NIGGER! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only nigga that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The niggers are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some nigga shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.”
‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass nigga. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.”
Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down?
I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s history has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that nigga ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the nigga, nigga.” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the nigga’s daddy. You know.” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of Genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the nigga wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “Nigga, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that nigga know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy nigga I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. “
See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “Nigga, I know I look better than that bitch! Nigga, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that nigga could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “Nigga, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “Nigga, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! Nigga be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a nigga story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. Nigga, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!”
They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” Nigga get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “Nigga, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP [National Association For Advancement of Colored People] You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can Turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, They blue and purple. [laughter and applause] Y’all colored people Like a motherfucker. Y’all the whole box Of goddamn crayons. I might be blushing Right now. You can’t tell. No shit. They trying to tell our Mexican Brothers and sisters That they need to stay away From the border. Mm-hmm. I don’t understand that… When California is mexico. [cheers and applause] Listen to the name of it. [in Mexican accent] California. San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose. If it start with “San,” It’s Mexican. [laughter and applause] Always talking about, “my country.” White people, This ain’t y’all country. Y’all annexed it. You stoled it from The Indians. I know you said You discovered it. You know how they use them Slick-ass words. “we discovered it!” How you discover some shit A motherfucker Already live at? [laughter and applause] Using that analogy, When I get offstage, I’ma discover somebody car. Police like, “did you steal it?” “no, I discovered it. I gave the indigenous driver A reservation in the trunk.”
My man, LeBron James. You know, the brother went To Miami. You know, which he has all right to do. You know? It’s called “free agency.” The first word is “free.” Them white people In Cleveland got all mad, Burned the nigga jersey, Doing little statues of him, Setting on fire. I’m like, “he play basketball!” This ain’t a politician That could change your life. He dribbled. He dunked. Yay. [laughter] You know what I mean? I just want an hour Of my life back. It shouldn’t have Took him an hour, you know? He just sat there. “I’m going to south beach.” Nigga! If I wasn’t a christian… And you can tell him I said it. You know what I mean? The reason I heard that he left Is ’cause one of the dudes On the team Was sleeping with his mama. Y’all heard that shit too? I found out when I did the show in Cleveland. The audience told me. I said, “is it true?” They like, “yeah. Yeah. We all knew. We all knew.” I’m like, “and y’all Wondering why he gave y’all The finger and left?” He from here. Y’all his hometown. Y’all love the nigga. Somebody should have came up To the brother. “hey, uh…” You know when you delivering That bad, bad news, You got to– “hey, uh… Hey, you know, My man and your mama.” [laughter] “I just thought I’d let you know. I just thought I’d let you know.” And what’s the nigga name That did it? Dante west. That’s some fucked-up shit, ’cause that nigga, When he play against LeBron, He can get in that nigga’s head. He d’ing that nigga up. “hey, LeBron.” [laughter and applause] You know, Me and your moms.” You know what I mean? That’s like me and Chris Rock doing a movie together and he sleeping with my mama. I’ma have to rock Chris Rock. You don’t fuck moms. Mom’s off-limits. You can fuck my sister. You know what I mean? She grown. She want to give you some pussy, hey. But you don’t put your dick in where I came out.
My man Michael Vick doing his thing, ain’t he? [cheers and applause] You understand me? You can’t keep a brother down. They put that boy in the game. The rest is history. You understand me? And I don’t know why They did that brother The way they did him About some damn dogs. He had some pit bulls. Now here’s the shit That fucked with me. There’s a dogfight going on. He three states away. He ain’t even at the house, And they lock him up. And his cousins ain’t shit! [cheers and applause] You staying at his house For free. You there when The dogfight go down And the bust come. One of them supposed To take the rap. “is this Michael Vick?” “no, this me.” They’d have slapped him On the wrist, $150,000 fine. Nigga, nothing. They want to make an example out Of vick. They want every black man To have an asterisk. Kobe Bryant. “raped white bitch.” Michael Jordan. “gambled.” Michael Vick. “dogfight.” Eddie griffin. “said ‘nigga’.” Tricky white people. Y’all love dogs more than Y’all love human beings. I watch y’all. You see white people. They see a stray dog. You see ’em. They be like, “where’s your home? What’s your name? Let me read your tag. You have a number. We’re gonna call your master. We’re gonna find your home.” A homeless dude walk up. “can I get some change?” “get away from me, you bum.” [laughter and applause] Gonna lock this brother up About a dog. It’s called a “pit bull.” They bred to fight. The dog wants to fight. The dog sitting In the backyard. “I want to fuck something up.” You know what I’m saying? “I ain’t no poodle. What the fuck you Got me back here for?” You understand me? They ain’t trying To stop a rodeo. White people go to the rodeo. You got motherfucking shocks On the goddamn bull’s nuts To make it hop around. Oh, that’s humane. Shut them rodeos down, I’ll stop fighting My motherfucking dogs. I’m from the midwest. We fight dogs! [barks] Still having cockfights, Ain’t you? You motherfuckers. If I wasn’t a christian… drink up, y’all. It’s Saturday. Spoken like a true alcoholic. ’cause you know alcoholics come Up with any reason to drink. “why you drinking?” “it’s Saturday.” “why you drinking?” “it’s Sunday. Jesus had wine At the last supper.” “it’s Monday.” “first day back at the job.” “it’s Tuesday.” “kids getting on My goddamn nerves.” “it’s Wednesday.” “hump day.” “it’s Thursday.” “almost Friday.” “it’s Friday.” “thank god!” “it’s Saturday.” “that’s what I’m saying!” Shit, get fucked up, Be somebody else. [laughter] You know what I mean? You got to slave For another motherfucker On the job all week long. Saturday get here, Man, get faded And be somebody else. They be like, “who are you?” “I’m Michael Jackson… Till Sunday!” [laughter and applause] Man, uh, in case You were wondering, “hey, what you drinking, ed?” It’s called the liquid blunt. You know what I’m saying? It’s veuve clicquot champagne. Give you the same high As a blunt. You don’t go up. You don’t go down. You maintain. You understand me? A police pulls me over, They can’t say, “uh, you have some weed On you?” “I don’t.” [laughter] And it’s called Veuve clicquot– It’s actually the first Champagne ever created. ’cause I research anything I put in my temple, All right? And it’s some french shit. So those of you who were Talking that shit, “I hate the french,” Uh, fuck you. I like the french. If you hate the french, Dig up the statue of liberty And send that bitch back. They made her. If you hate the french, Keep your tongue in your mouth When you kiss, ’cause It’s called a french kiss. It ain’t called A redneck kiss. And put the croissant down, ’cause that’s french too. I like the french. Oui, oui. Tres bon, Je m’appelle, et toi. [laughter and applause] And if you’re japanese, Genki desu domo arigato. Moshi moshi. And if you’re Chinese, Ni hao ma. Xie-xie ni. [speaking mandarin] But this is the liquid blunt. Now, he named it after His wife. Now, if you buy a bottle Of the shit, It costs $45 at Costco. I don’t get it twisted. I don’t give a fuck How much money I got. I’m frugaler than A motherfucker. ’cause you don’t stay rich By spending the shit. $45. You see them fools In them damn videos. $500 for a bottle of Crystal at a strip club. Nigga, I ain’t paying $500 For nothing. Suck my dick! $45! And the shit is good! But he named it after His wife. You buy a bottle, There’s a picture of her On the cap. Now, when you look At the picture Of this fat, ugly bitch, You will figure out Why he created a drink. He like, “I need a drink Before I fuck your fat, Raggedy ass. I need some bubbles For my troubles.” You see, I just finished my second dui. I ain’t trying To get a third, ’cause you know California law. You get that third one, It’s an automatic year In the penitentiary area. I ain’t trying to go To jail about no drinking, ’cause you get to jail, Ain’t no drinking. I remember, I was rolling out, man. I’m coming down sunset In l.A. One night And I was high… As a motherfucker. Now I done had a couple of this, You know– [stammering] I’m doing me. You know, and I think I’m doing good. You know, I’m whipping it. And, you know, brothers, We drive with one eye In the rearview mirror And the other one on the road To make sure po-po Ain’t behind. So I’m doing my shit, And I seen the lights. I didn’t know I was in the car chase For about five minutes. I’m that high. I seen the lights And in my head I’m like, “it’s Christmas already? They got all these lights And shit.” I didn’t know till a cop car Pulled in front of me And cut me the fuck off And pulled me over. And that’s when you try To get sober quick. You like… [breathing heavy] You know how you do. “I got this. All right, let me get this shit Off of me, nigga. That over there. Stash pocket. Boom. Plow.” And you got to pull The wallet out If you a black man. You don’t want To get caught reaching. They shoot us. “he was reaching For something!” I’ll be having my wallet out. I.D. Showing. Clack-clack. Window already down. “I’m ready for you. Come on. Come on.” And they be asking More dumb-ass questions. He’s like, “would you like To step out of the car?” I said, “well, since it’s A yes or no answer, No, I would not like To step out of the car.” That’s when they snatch Little motherfucker out. Then they try to make you Do the gymnastic competition. You know, Walk a straight line. I said, “hey, hold up, man. I ain’t in the Olympics.” He’s like, “Eddie, so you’re Saying you’re drunk?” I said, “no, your honor. I mean, officer. I ain’t drunk. I’m fucked up! There is a difference. I can drive drunk. I’m fucked up. That’s why I thought I was going straight.” [chuckles] “you’re Eddie griffin, right? Comedian?” I said, “yeah, shit. Why you got that uniform on?” He’s like, “he’s funny in real life.” I said, “look, man”– He’s like, “Eddie, I’ma do you a favor.” “you gonna let a brother go?” “nope. Not gonna do that.” I said, “well, What the fuck is it, then?” He said, “I was wondering if I could take a picture with you For my son and my kids.” I said, “motherfucker, You let a nigga go, We can take pictures All night.” [laughter and applause] That’s when they said, “click-click.” Now, they sat my black ass On the curb. Sunset boulevard, Fans driving by, And you know How motherfuckers are. They don’t know. You know what I mean? Nigga, I entertain, But I’m a real motherfucker. I’m on the corner. Click-click. There’s niggas riding by. “hey, ed, what up?” I’m like, “nigga, I can’t wave back! “you love a nigga that much, Pull over. Help me.” [laughter and applause] “I’m fucked up. I can’t talk for myself. This motherfucker Put me in the car. I’m in the back. It’s an uncomfortable ride, You know? And they got the shit on tight. You back there, “look at this motherfucker.” And you can’t get comfortable, Shit. And I’m sitting in the back. I’m so fucked up, I’m still clowning. It was a white dude And a fat female white cop. And I’m sitting in the back. I looked at her fat, Funky ass. [laughter] Y’all know my mouth. Some people can edit. It just fly out. I looked at her ass, nigga. I said, “shit, I ain’t never Seen a police uniform With stretch marks on it.” [laughter and applause] Her partner Is sitting behind– He’s like, “this motherfucker Is crazy, for real.” They got me down to The station, And that’s when they handcuff You to that little bench. So I’m on that wooden bench, And I’m clowning This fat bitch. The night watchman jumped off The desk and said, “put that ignorant motherfucker In the cage.” They locked me up In that motherfucker. It’s a Friday night. Brothers, y’all know What I’m talking about. You there for the weekend. I don’t know if you been To jail recently. They done took out All the TVs. They done took the weights out. They literally in there Curling little niggas. Nigga, they make you put Your legs together tight And they curl these little Motherfuckers. I was so tired Of getting curled. They stuck me In the cell With the crip of The century. I got in there, that Motherfucker was dipped blue, Doo-doo-doo-doo. I said, “they put me in With the smurf.” [laughter] Every other word is like, “what up, cuz? What’s going on, cuz? Where the scene at, cuz?” [laughter] Now, y’all know I’m from Kansas city, Missouri, right? This is when I’m first Getting to l.A. I’m like– Bloods and the hood And all that shit Wasn’t on tv yet. I’m sitting there. “cuz. Cuz.” I’m like, “we related?” “cuz?” He like, “no, cuz. You know what I’m saying, Cuz.” And the nigga kept doing This kind of shit. I’m like, “these niggas In l.A. Is a bunch Of deaf mutes out here.” You know, These motherfuckers– Nigga, and I’m like, “I don’t speak that shit.” All I know is this and that. [laughter and applause] He like, “nigga, Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, cuz? Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, Cuz?” I’m like, “yeah, motherfucker. You fucking my high up.” So I got to hollering at The little nigga As the nigga high started Coming down. I said, “nigga, Why y’all do that shit?” He like, “you know, cuz. You know, cuz.” I’m like, “nigga, I’m from Kansas city, Missouri. Nigga, where I grew up, We didn’t have no gangs.” Nigga be like, “nigga, what’s your gang?” “self.” The older brothers in here Know what I’m talking about. Back in the day, You had yourself. You had a gang, nigga. Me, myself, and I. Your partner showed up To make sure His partners didn’t jump in. Whoever you got beef with, Mano y mano, head up, Nigga. “what up, nigga?” [rolls tongue] If you get your ass whooped, Go to the gym and practice. [laughter and applause] Had that left hook. Got to keep that right up. You got to keep that right up. [cheers and applause] Come with it. ’cause we being so soft With our kids nowadays, man. That shit get on my nerves. They locking parents up Because the kid Had a fight at school. You know what I mean? What kind of– We raising little bitch-ass Motherfuckers? A fight is in god’s plan. You supposed to fight As a kid. That lets you know Where you fit in On the food chain. You thought You was billy badass. Then you ran into Billy badass. Billy badass whooped That ass. You figure out, “I’m good at math.” they don’t even know bloods And crips started right here In Oakland. It’s a offshoot Of the black panthers. I’ma teach y’all Something tonight. When the feds came to break up The black panthers– Two of the brothers Went down to l.A. One went to Inglewood and started the bloods, Which meant, “if the police fuck With anybody on this block, We all blood, we all family, We stand together.” All right? Another one went down to Compton. Started the crips. “crips” stand for “community Resistance in progress.” If you fuck with anybody In this community, The community has got A resistance in progress, Officer! [applause] You ask these little Youngsters now, “hey, what ‘crip’ mean?” “it mean crip, cuz.” [laughter] “it mean crip, cuz. It mean crip, cuz.” And what is this retarded walk? The fuck is wrong with you, Nigga? You just got out the zoo? You playing right into the White man’s stereotype of us. You know what I mean? Chill the fuck out on that Red and blue, nigga. I don’t even understand, Nigga. We both broke. You a blood; I’m a crip. We broke. Come together like butt cheeks And be the shit. Hell, yeah. If you a little motherfucker My size, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? ’cause them ain’t The scary ones. The quiet motherfuckers… That’s who you watch. Them the killers. You know, the loudest Motherfucker in the club Is a bitch. That nigga loud ’cause he scared And he hope it’s scaring you. “nigga, you know What I’m saying? “I’ll fuck it up! Is this scaring y’all? ’cause I’m scared As a motherfucker!” Real killers are quieter Than a motherfucker. They don’t dance. They sit in the club, Hold the wall up, And just be looking. You know, they constantly got A grit on they face. You know? Do a slow stroll Through the club. And they praying the whole time. “god, don’t let me kill Nobody else today.” And then somebody Step on his shoe. He be like… They try to let it slide, But niggas like that can’t. You on the dance floor And he’ll walk up to you. “excuse me, bro. You know, you stepped On my shoes, you know? I was wondering if you’ll apologize, you know? See, I paid for mine just like You paid for yours, you know? So, you know, if you give A brother an apology, You know, we can go on And clean this on up, You know what I’m saying?” That nigga be like, “nigga, fuck you and your shoes. Old bitch-ass nigga. Shit.” Why he tell this motherfucker that? That’s when they get that walk. [laughter] Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Club clearing out like roaches when the light come on. That motherfucker walk out. Don’t nobody know What happened. He still praying. “god… I told you. You know how I am. You go on and sort him out, Cause he wasn’t cool Down here.” As my grandfather said, “there’s certain people That deserve a whole Lot of leave-alone.” it’s her birthday today! who? 76! hey, my dear, Happy birthday, baby. ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ [imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ ¶ oh, uh ¶ ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ dear mama ¶ [cheers and applause] We appreciate you, baby. Yes, indeedy. That’s everybody mama, Shit. You know what I mean? That’s how that shit Supposed to go, man. I be seeing some of these little Young motherfuckers When they see one of they elders Going across the street. “man, get your old ass Out the way.” Y’all see that shit? Beat the dog shit Out that motherfucker. You got the right to rap, Run around, And do all your dumb shit ’cause sisters like her And brothers her age That put it down. [cheers and applause] I got nine kids, and don’t none Of ’em want for shit. You know, when I hear Motherfuckers talking about Child support on one kid, I just laugh. I’m like, “that’s it?” Shit, nigga. Come to my world. [laughter] Shit, two ex-wives. Four, five baby mamas. My first-of-the-month calls Is a motherfucker. Shit, I thought I was pimping. I’m doing shows for them. They pimping the shit Out my black ass. “nigga, go do some shows.” I bet you they get together And huddle. Nigga, I get a movie, They be like, “come on, girl. We got a movie.” [laughter and applause] But I wouldn’t trade One of my babies in To save my motherfucking life. [applause] ’cause really, At the end of life, That’s all you Motherfucking leave. You don’t take no money With you. You understand me? I ain’t never seen A brinks truck Pull up to a funeral. The Egyptians tried to take Their money with ’em. Ain’t they digging them Motherfuckers up? Now king tut on tour. This dead motherfucker Still on tour. [laughter and applause] And if they could legally Get away with digging Michael up, That nigga’d be on tour too. “where’s Michael?” “he’s on tour.” That nigga in the casket And the music play. [imitating Michael Jackson] “hee-hee!” that’s why I smoke And I drink. ’cause when I’m dead, I don’t want nobody Walking by my casket Talking about, “damn, ed look good.” If I look good, I should still Be motherfucking alive. I want a motherfucker walking By my casket to say, “god damn! I see why that nigga dead!” [laughter and applause] It ain’t the quality of life– Or the quantity. It’s the quality. You understand me? Would you really want to live To be 199 years old, Shitting on yourself? You come in the world In diapers. If you got to leave In depends, You stayed too long. If it look like I’m about To shit on myself, Unplug me, nigga. ’cause life is for The living. And motherfuckers That are alive and love you Don’t want to unplug you ’cause they love you. Motherfucker, let me go. I said I’m tired. Now unplug this shit. I want to see what The next part look like. ’cause I know this Ain’t the end. Energy ain’t dissipated. It’s transferred. This spirit animates this clay We motherfucking trapped in. You understand me? Clay drop the fuck down. My spirit going on To the next phase, nigga. Now, leave me the fuck alone. [applause] You understand me? I had my fun. And some of you Old motherfuckers Ain’t playing fair. You know, they got this New shit viagra, cialis. I think god put A ticking clock on a dick. Your dick supposed to be done Right around the speed limit. Ain’t no need in you having No kids after 55. Your ass ain’t gonna be here When they get out of school. Now, play fair. Put the pill down. Shut your dick up. ’cause a young motherfucker– Supposed to be our turn to get Some down pussy. Old nigga already established. He got a business. He got a motherfucking Rolls-Royce. He getting all the young pussy, And the young nigga like this, “but, baby, Well, you know”– She like, “you ain’t got no car. I’m going with sugar daddy.” Put your wrinkled-up monster up. And you know them old niggas Be cheating, nigga. Right now, they popping They pill ’cause they know The show almost over. [laughter and applause] ’cause they know it take A hour for it to kick in. You know. “I’ma be ready for you After this show, girl. Gonna be ready for you. Tell you I drop I like it’s hot. I can drop it Like it’s hot.” [cheers and applause] If y’all think I’m funny, My grandfather is The funniest motherfucker Outside of Richard Pryor I ever met. My granddaddy would sit on The front porch. He’d be like, “lookie here. I like young hos.” I said, “young hos?” He like, “yeah, nigga. If you catch me with something Over 27, I’m holding it For the police.” [laughter] “all I can show A 30-year-old bitch is, Is where the old folks’ Home is. You know how many dicks She done seen In 30 years, Eddie? I like young hos.” He said, “Eddie, I had one So young last night, When I got done, I had to burp her.” I couldn’t even call him A dirty old man. I was just like… “all right.” ’cause the nigga Explained it to me. He said, “there’s one thing An old motherfucker don’t want, And that’s an old bitch. Two old motherfuckers Don’t go together. Dust flying everywhere.” [audience members shouting] hey, baby. I had to come to The yay area. [cheers and applause] ’cause I know up here, Y’all motherfuckers is sharp. You know what I mean? And you’re still street At the same time, so you– You know what I mean? You actually see niggas With books up here. [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? If you wanna stop motherfuckers From dealing dope On your block, on the corner, Walk up and hand them niggas A book. Watch them run. That nigga trying to get me To read! All these words and stuff. Yeah, they say these White people are scared of A nigga with a gun. No, they ain’t. When they see your ass with A gun, here’s what they do. “gotcha! He’ll be in jail soon.” They see your ass With a book– Try this shit, ’cause I do it all the time. Go to Starbucks Or one of them little, You know, coffee shops. Sit down with a book. White person sitting Over there. They can’t resist it, nigga, They just be like… [laughter] [cheers and applause] Get a book, man. Reading is fundamental. Fun to mental. [cheers and applause] Think! It ain’t illegal yet. But they’re working on it. [cheers and applause] I want the young motherfuckers In here tonight, No matter what Your nationality is, Turn the motherfucking TV off For one week. And see if you can survive. Motherfuckers are going into A television junkie Motherfucking mode, There ain’t no TV. I need my remote, nigga, I’m jonesing. It’s called tele… Vision… Programming. They’re telling you visually The program. You’re being programmed. You watch it on the news. “it was on CNN. It’s true.” “I’ve seen it on fox. It’s real.” It’s bullshit! [cheers and applause] You know Obama Ain’t running shit. Puppet on a string. [laughter] That nigga ran for office And said, “I’ma stop both wars.” Didn’t he just send 60,000 more troops To Afghanistan? He took them out of Iraq. Them niggas thought They was going home. “shit, nigga, the war over. We going home.” He like, “no. Over there.” They wives and shit, Family thinking These motherfuckers coming home. Nigga, they get shipped To a new war. And you know these wars Is about what? ¶ money, money, money, money ¶ Now, Iraq, We annexed that country. You know, took the oil, Nigga. Now, one thing you know about American motherfucking history, Wherever we land, We don’t leave. We already got three bases, Permanent bases in Iraq. We still in Vietnam, Still in motherfucking Korea, And still got a base in japan. Everywhere we land, We don’t leave! You know what I mean? I thought it was called The United States of america, Not the united empire Of earth. “you will do as I say.” How the fuck we gonna Go over to Iraq And tell ’em we’re giving These people freedom? They didn’t ask for it! Wasn’t no Iraqis over there, “come on over here. We wanna vote.” Them motherfuckers Was chillin’. Now we over in Afghanistan. You know what we there for. Opium. 90% of the world’s opium Comes from… Afghanistan. Holla at your boy. [laughter and applause] Now, in the Buddhist religion, They smoke opium. There’s 1.6 billion Chinese. In order to control china, You must control opium. China owns 90% of our debt. Welcome to china. [laughter] Learn the language. Ni hao ma. [laughter] Xie-xie ni. The Chinese Ain’t to be fucked with. One Bruce Lee would fuck up this whole room. [laughter] 1.6 billion Bruce Lees? Nigga, leave ’em alone. Oh, america know Who to attack. You ain’t never seen them Go fuck with china. Remember, china had one Of our motherfuckers– Students in Tienanmen square Beating the shit out of him On national television With a bamboo Motherfucking stick. Did america go and attack? No. You know what they said? “what is he doing over there?” [laughter] “somebody get his parents On the phone.” [laughter] ’cause that Bruce Lee Was a bad motherfucker. [cheers and applause] 5’7″. 140 pounds. Dynamite. You understand me? That motherfucker in the movie, You ever seen that motherfucker? He walked in a dojo. 300 motherfuckers. Bruce walk in and… And, you know, I love that nigga walk. We can fight one at time… Or together. If you sitting in that dojo, You gotta ask yourself Two questions. Either he got a bomb On his ass… Or he’s really A bad motherfucker. Neither one of them are good. And remember the motherfucking Teachers are always like, “wang, chang, lilang wang. Hang!” They run out there And get killed, nigga. [laughter] Then he go with the second set. “wang, chang, ching-chong, Chang, wong-long.” If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “hey, hey, hold the fuck up. Them was your black belts. My shit is orange. You the teacher. Teach! Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class. If not, I’m about to study With that motherfucker.
I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, oakland, baby.