Filmed in Long Beach, California on December 10, 1978
[Distant traffic sounds]
[Distant car motor]
[Car door open]
[Car door slam]
[Car door open]
[Car door slam]
[Crowd murmur & distant cheers]
[Cheering and applause]
Richard Pryor: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you much. Good evening. Waiting for the people to get from the bathroom. People are in there pissing, wait, the shit done started. Damn. What’s happening, blood. Right on. Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back. White people don’t care, jack, just come out anyways. Say fuck it, we’re going, I don’t give a shit. You n*ggers taking a chance being in Long Beach, though, jack. I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here, the n*gger’s hands way up here, talking about, huh, what. And they’re searching and shit. Bet they take him away to jail. Going to jail in long beach is a mother fucker, though. Where you at? I’m in Long Beach. Shit, we ain’t coming’ down there to get your ass out. White people, this is the fun part for me, when the white people come back after intermission and find out n*ggers have stole their seats. White people say, uh, weren’t we sitting here, dear. Weren’t we, uh, I believe we, uh, we were sitting here, uh, weren’t we? Yes, we were sitting right there, yes. Well, you ain’t sitting here now, mother fucker. You ever notice how nice white people get when there’s a bunch of n*ggers around. Right, they get outside they talk to everybody, right. They say hi, how you doing! I don’t know you, but here’s my wife, hello! What you taking my picture for? Who are you gonna show it to? They say, I got a picture of Richard Pryor. Who gives a fuck. Sit your ass down! Mother fucker, sit down. You know you ain’t got no film in the camera. You’re just bull shitting, just flashing, ain’t nothing but flashes. Sit your ugly ass down.
Man: Thank you.
Pryor: Thank you. And right to your seat, “exit.” No, it’s funny, though, man, white people be funny. And you ever notice like you’ll be the only n*gger someplace and you go with white people, they be funky. Right, they be, they be now, you want to move out of the way, fella, excuse me, thank you very much. Taking up all the fucking area, Jesus Christ. And n*ggers gorilla they way in a place, man. We saw about eight dead white people when we was coming in, still had tickets in their hand. N*ggers are just running over them getting in here. Move out the way, mother fucker, shit. You ain’t seen a n*gger in three years, what the fuck you talking about. Sure, go ahead, sure, cut in, sure, it’s okay. What do you want, trouble? There’s a whole bunch of them. They could be cousins or anything. Some white dudes you cut in front of don’t play that shit, though, right. You cut in front of them, all right, cut the shit. Just cut the fucking crap, all of you. I love when white dudes get mad and cuss, right, cause you all are some funny mother fuckers when you cuss, right. They’ll be saying shit like, yeah, come on, peckerhead. Come on, you fucking jerk off, come on. Son of a bitch, come on. Yeah, you fucking-a-right, buddy. N*gger’s will be talking about buddy this. Yeah. You want to buddy something, buddy up on this here. Black men will grab them dicks, jack. I don’t care, n*ggers will be walking down the street, they’re gonna hold their dick, jack. What’s happen, bro, ain’t nothing to it, shit. You know how it is, I’m just hanging on. Even Andrew Young, he grab his dick, right. He be talking to the president of the United States, Andrew Young, uh, Mr. President, now, we got to talk some serious shit now, really. Excuse me, Mrs. Can’ter. Oh, that’s all right. Bigger than a peanut. Patty and I want to say we’re really happy that you come out to see us tonight. We mean that from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you. Patty be singing her ass off, too, don’t she? I mean, patty gets some shit down in there, waaaaa, shit go all through me, man. I’ll be saying sing it, you mother fuckers, yeah. And the band’s a bitch, too, man, that band is a mother fucker she got, really. That white boy on the horn be playing his ass off, right, he don’t even bend or nothing. You know, when most people play the horn, they got to bend or something to get that shit out of there, right. This guy be [gesturing]. And don’t miss shit, right. He be, don’t worry, n*ggers, I’m with you, go ahead.
And I am really personally happy to see anybody come out and see me, right, Especially as much as I done fucked up this year. I don’t want to never see no more police in my life, at my house, taking my ass to jail, for killing my car. And it seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, cause my wife was gonna leave my ass. You know, I said not in this mother fucker, you ain’t. Un-un, no, un-un, if you leave, you be driving them Hush Puppies you got on. Cause I’m gonna kill this mother fucker here. And I had one of them big old Magnums, you know all that noise they make when you shoot something. I shot at the car, it said whooom. The tires said aaahhhhh. It got good to me, I shot another one. Boom, aaahhhhh. And that vodka I was drinking said, go ahead, shoot something else. I shot the motor, the motor fell out the mother fucker, right. The motor say, fuck it. And then the police came, I went in the house. Because they got Magnums, too. And they don’t kill cars, they kill nig-gers. Police got a choke hold they use out here, though, man, they choke n*ggers to death. I mean, you be dead when they through, right, did you know that?
Richard Pryor: The n*gger’s are going, yeah, we know. The whites are going, no, I had no idea. Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, and snap. Oh, shit, he broke. Can you break a n*gger, is it okay? Let’s check the manual. Yup, page 8, you can break a n*gger, right there, see. Let’s drag him downtown, okay. And they got them dogs they sic on your ass, right, them German Shepherds and shit. Nasty mother fuckers, right. Some places they got them Dobermans, Doberman Pinschers. Them some bad mother fuckers. They fast, too. They catch the average white boy. By the time they catch a n*gger, though, they too tired to do anything but maybe get petted or some shit like that. You trying to run him over. Sit your ass right there, now. I’m gonna get on you. All right. I saw them let one loose on a young brother about 16 in a alley. The police jumped out of the car and sicced the Doberman loose on him, the brother was low running. I mean, he was down in here. And the dog was on his ass, [sound effect]. And it must have got good to the brother, cause he shifted into overdrive on the dog. Yeah, the brother had a cap on, it just went [gesturing]. And it looked like to me like the dog said, shit, mother fuck that n*gger, man. Shit, he won’t kill me out here, shit. Give me a biscuit here. Them dogs are something else. I got two dogs, I got two Malamutes that I trained to fight the police dogs. I did. I said, if you see any dog jump on me, you all better do something. Cause if you don’t, you know what happened to that car on New Year. We got you, Rich, we got you, we got you. Don’t worry. And they won’t bite shit, right. I mean, they very intelligent dogs, though, right. I mean, they be reading dog food cans and shit. They do. Alpo, no meat byproducts, no soybeans. Yeah, Rich, this will be good, fix that up for us, please. Could we have a little wine with that, perhaps. And a burglar come in the house, say don’t fuck with the dinner plates. You can have all this shit up here. So I got a, a Doberman, right. One of them bad mother fuckers, right. Somebody stole him. That’s how bad he was. And I got him from a dog home, you know, you can get dogs from the dog home, save them from killing them, you know. I got him from the dog home, and somebody had abused him real bad, cause every time I called him, he’d freak out. I’d say, hey, champ. What, shit, Jesus Christ, what are you doing to me, don’t do that shit, I’m telling you, you’re fucking with my head, man. It’s a real bummer, Rich, it’s, god, please. They’re like that, Dobermans are like that. When they’re puppies they’re real scared, man. You look at them, they’re [whimpering]. But when they get older, they don’t even like for you to stare at them, right. Most dogs you can stare down, you look at a dog too long they go [whimpering]. You stare at a Doberman, Doberman be [growling] I don’t play that shit. And then they show you their teeth, right, [growling], this look like I’m smiling, mother fucker. I’m about to get in your ass. And they make real good watch dogs, right, but the only problem is they let burglars come in your house. They do. They burglar, yeah, come on in, come on, yeah, come on in the bedroom, let me show you where the money is, yeah, come on in. Get all that, yeah, come on in the kitchen, get silver, hurry up, come on, yeah, come on. And they wait for the burglar to hit the door, that’s when they turn into the exorcist, right. The burglar go, they go, you can’t leave. I want to play. And that’s how you find the burglar when you get home, right. He’ll be talking about, help me. Please help me. The mother fuckers sound like the fly, help me. The dog is going to bite my asshole out, help me.
Pets is something else, jack. I got pets, I love my little pets. I got monkeys and shit. My monkeys died, though. Yeah. I had two squirrel monkeys. You ever seen them squirrel monkeys? They got them hands, they freak a dog out. They do. They get on a dog and them fingers touch a dog, the dog go [barking]. I had one named friend. I named him friend cause the first time I opened the cage, he ran up my arm and stuck his dick right in my ear. He did [monkey sound effect]. Yeah, it felt like a wet Q-tip [monkey sound effects]. He pissed all on my cheek. I had to throw him up at the ceiling [monkey sound effects]. He’d do that to anyone. I’d invite over people, you know, just to fuck with them, you know. I’d say, go on, open the cage up, you know. Up they arm, [monkey sound effects]. I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers was coming over, he was gonna do a film with me. And he came over and he opened the cage and I said, don’t open the cage! The monkey [monkey sound effects]. Well, you won’t be doing any films at Warner Brothers, that’s for goddamn sure. Want to get this monkey’s dick out of my ear, Rich. Jesus Christ. Come on, dear, We’ll put something over my head there. We’ll just say it’s a hump, let’s go. So I got him a woman, you know, cause he was fucked up… I got him a woman, called her “sister,” right. He did the same to her, run right in the cage [monkey sound effects]. And she said, freeze. First thing, I gotta show you where the pussy is. And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked. He just went out of his mind, man. Man, at night he’d be up and unlocking the cage and shit. And then they’d run away and stay two and three days, right. And you could hear him in the tree [monkey sound effects], sometimes far away [distant monkey sound effects]. Sometimes up front [monkey sound effects]. Finally about the third day he came in and he was fucked up, right, [monkey sound effects… winding down] And I left him with some friends, I had to go out of town, I left him with some friends to watch him. And he had like a little gas heater on the floor, and they turned it on, and they didn’t have no matches, and they died. It killed them. I was hurt, too, man. I was, cause I came home and found my monkeys was dead. I said shit. Cause I loved my monkeys so much. I was in the back yard, I was crying. And there was a dog that used to live next door to us, a German Shepherd, right, big, ugly, mean German Shepherd. He would bite anything. And he jumped the fence and came over there, and I felt something moving my hand like that and it was him, I was gonna pet him. He looked at me and he said, what’s the matter, Rich. I said, my monkeys died. He said, what? Your monkeys died? Ain’t that a bitch. You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees, they died? I said, yeah, they died. He said, shit. I was gonna eat them, too. He said, don’t linger on that shit too long, you know, it fuck with you. I said, I’ll try. Yeah, you take care. Then he went back and jumped over the fence. And just before he jumped, he looked back at me, he said, now, you know I’m gonna be chasing you again tomorrow. Yeah.
See, I love pets. I do, I got like a miniature horse, you ever seen them, a miniature horse about this big. Full grown, that’s as big as they’re ever gonna get. Yes, ma’am, I’m not lying, named Ginger. A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman, gave me this horse. He helped me produce my TV shows. He gave me this horse instead of money. And the horse is nice but it don’t do nothing. Horses don’t do nothing when they’re that little but eat and shit. And horses shit while they walk. They do, they be blop, blop, blop, blop. And steam be coming off of horse shit, jack. Horses got some terrible… flies don’t even fuck with horse shit. Fly be talking about [sound effect]. And the first time that my dogs saw the horse, they thought it was another dog, right, cause animals don’t have no racism, they thought it was another dog. They said, look, there’s another dog with a long tail, let’s go say hello. And my cousin denise, she had a great dane staying with us, they said, yeah, come on, let’s go over, yeah, and they ran over. Then that horse smell hit their ass, right. They said, hey, this ain’t no goddamn dog. And the great dane said, I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna fuck it. He come back and said, well, you can fuck it. And my two Malamutes said well, let’s see the bitch, let’s see the bitch. I had to beat them off with a cue stick, I said get the fuck off the door, goddamnit, leave the horse alone. Move, mother, get back. They got even with me, too, the dogs did. Cause one time I was walking with them in the front yard and I heard one say to the other one, let’s fuck him. You know, and you know how you be playing with your dogs, and say, hey, get down. Say, what the fuck is he doing, get out of there, get your… Hey, man, what… help! And dogs, when you make dogs stop fucking, they go fuck air or anything, right. You say, get down, goddamnit. Do you remember when the animals used to get hooked up when you was little, that was some funny shit to me, jack. Cause they be in the middle of the street, didn’t know which way to go, right. Well, make up your mind, shit, there’s a car coming. I always thought women should have that kind of pussy for rapists. You know, the kind that just lock up. Right, cause that’s some vile shit to take somebody’s humanity like that anyway, right. At least the pussy ought to be able to lock up, right, and say, [sound effect]. Okay, let’s go, come on. Don’t make a move or I’ll tighten up. Just get going, come on.
Oh, shit. Had a little pain in my heart there, I thought I was having another heart attack. I said, what. You get scared after you have a heart attack, though. All the time, any time you feel a little pain you go, huh. Anyone here ever had a heart attack? Them mother fucker’s hurt. I’m not bull shitting, man. I was walking in the front yard, I was just walking along and someone said, don’t breathe. I was saying, huh? Said you heard me, mother fucker, I said don’t breathe. Okay, I won’t breathe, I won’t breathe, then shut the fuck up then. Okay. I’ll shut up. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Get on one knee and prove it. I’m on one knee, I’m on one knee. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Thinking about dying now, ain’t you? Yeah, I’m thinking about dying, I’m thinking about dying. You didn’t think about it when you was eating all that pork. Oh, no, you know black people got high blood pressure anyway, Yeah, I know it, I know it. Then [inaudible] Watch your diet. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You be thinking about shit like that when you think you’re gonna die. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You put an emergency call into God, too, right. Can I speak to God right away, please! There’s always some angel talking about, I’ll have to put you on hold. And then your heart get mad after it find out you was going behind its back to talk to God. Your heart say, was you trying to talk to God behind my back? You is a lying mother fucker [inaudible]. I woke up in an ambulance, right. And there wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ain’t this a bitch. I died and wound up in the wrong mother fucking heaven. Now I got to listen to Lawrence Welk the rest of my days. But them paramedics can save your ass, you know, they really are something, man. They… they are, man. You have to give them a lot of credit, they’re good. They say civilian people, we can save people, you know. Give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I don’t know. You know what I mean, cause if I’m walking down the street and I see some mother fucker laid all out and slobber and shit hanging out of his mouth, he ain’t gonna make it. You know what I mean? I’m gonna say, say bro, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, unless you can get somebody to wipe that shit off your mouth. Right, cause you could be giving somebody mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and they die, and death ease down your lungs. Death don’t give a fuck where it goes. And if they can get two for one, that’s a good day for Death. And if you ever have to go to the hospital, which I hope you never do, carry your own piss with you, cause that’s what they want. Soon as you get in the hospital they want some blood, and some piss. You always have the blood, but you never have the piss. And they get mad at you. You’re not gonna leave here till you piss in that bottle. And you never can piss. You ever tried it? Can you turn on some water, please. And if you do start, you need eight or nine bottles, right, nurse! Hurry up, I’m not gonna make it! And they be so nonchalant with your piss, right. They’ll be talking about, this your piss, thank you. I could never grab nobody’s piss like that, jack. I’d have to have some prongs and shit before I grab some piss. I’d be going, all right, I’m going in to get the piss now. All right, I have the piss, clear the hallway, I’m coming through. Everybody, back off, please. And then they hook your ass up to that machine, you know, where you look like Frankenstein. You get to watch your life beep away. Right, you be beep, beep. You be watching, too, jack, cause if you see beeeeeeeeeep, that’s your ass. Right, I woke up one morning, I saw beeeep, I said, ahhhhh! Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Cause the hospital ain’t no place to get well. That’s the truth, that ain’t no joke. You can die in there and nobody give a fuck, unless you John Wayne or somebody. See, John Wayne can kick death’s ass. Didn’t he? I mean, the dude, he had cancer one time, kicked death’s ass. Open heart surgery, John Wayne kicked death’s ass. John Wayne just say, get the fuck out of here, Death. [Inaudible].
See, they filming some shit I wanted to tell you all. I mean, like you didn’t know. You all ain’t gonna get paid shit, either. So don’t be asking me for a mother fucking thing when the show is over. Don’t be saying, hey, n*gger, where is my money for the movie. No, I guess this is gonna be in the theater or something. I don’t know. That’s what they got all this shit. Audience member: [inaudible].
Richard Pryor: What? I can’t hear you, can you all get a spokesman. Wait a minute. What did you say, I couldn’t hear you, babe.
Audience member: [inaudible].
Richard Pryor: Wait, mother fucker, I was talking to her. What?
Audience member: Preach, n*gger, preach.
Richard Pryor: Oh, thank you, dear, thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s black stuff. Cause the white people were looking confused, what… what does that mean, Warren, preach, n*gger, preach. What is that, actually? Thinking about death, though, I’d like to die like my father died, right. My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died, right, and the woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time. And the… and the woman that he was making love too, right, couldn’t give away no pussy for two years, cause people were going, un-un, no, no, mmm, uh, no baby, uh, no. You done killed one mother fucker with it, that’s all right. No, that’s some pussy you can keep right there, mmm. And I saw the lady recently, and she’s still a little fucked up about it, you know. She came and said, I’m sorry I killed your father. I said, miss, what are you talking about. I said, shit, people get killed in plane wrecks and run over by buses and shit. He died in your pussy. That’s called recycling. You know, I just figure God must have loved my father an awful lot to let him go out like that, right. Cause if I had a choice, now, men, you know the truth when I tell you if you had a choice between dying in some pussy or getting hit by a bus, which line would you be in? I know which line I’m gonna be in. I’m gonna be in that long mother fucker, jack. The funeral was something else, too, Because black funerals are different than white funerals, right. You know, white people have funerals, you don’t give it up at the funeral. You do, I mean, you love your dearly departed as much as we do, but at the funeral you don’t really [wimpering, sighing]. And then sometimes they faint, [sigh]. And see, black people let it hang out at the funeral. They don’t care, they’re [screaming]!! Lord have mercy, Jesus, help me, Lord, [inaudible] Take me God, take me, take me, take me! Right. And then they fall all on your ass. You say, goddamn, baby, get your big ass off of me! Say why in the fuck you gonna kill me cause that n*gger dead? Get off. My grandmother could do that shit real good, help me Jesus, Lord have mercy help me, help me, help me take me, take me. That’s how she made me stop snorting cocaine. She did, she pulled that shit on me. It worked, too, jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table, and she had never seen me do any, right. And she looked at me a long time, and she said, boy, what’s that you’re putting up your nose. I said, cocaine, mamma. Jesus, God, take me now, Lord, take me now, God, save my life, take me, take me, take me, take me, God, [inaudible]. I said, mamma, don’t do that shit. Look, I’m throwing the shit out, mamma, look, look, $1600 worth of shit down the drain, mamma. She found out how much it cost she said you dumb mother fucker! You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from! I told you that shit would make you ignorant. Goddamn your soul.
My grandmother is the lady that used to disciple me, right. You know, beat my ass. Anyone here remember them switches?
Richard Pryor: Right, you used to have to get off the trees… yourself… and take them leaves like that. I see them trees today, I will kill one of them mother fuckers. I will stop the car and say, wait, hold it, yeah, listen, yeah, mm-hmm, you ain’t never gonna grow up. You won’t be beating nobody’s ass. Right, cause that’s some… do I have a tumor or did it get dark in here? Cause there’s some hell of a psychology, right, to make you go get a switch to beat your own ass with, right. My grandmother said, boy, go get me something to beat your ass with. And that would be the longest walk in the world, right. You be talking about [gesturing]. And you be thinking all kind of shit, right, cause you know you done fucked up, jack. Like maybe it’ll snow before I get there or something. Maybe she’ll have a heart attack and won’t be able to whoop me. I don’t want to get no whooping cause it’s gonna tear it up, I know it. And you know you couldn’t come back with no little switch, right. Cause if you did, she’d go out and get the tree and beat your ass with it, right. You’d be, please, I don’t want to get a whooping. And you get them switches and then you start cutting wind on the way home, right. You go [swooshing]. Make you start crying before you get in the house [swooshing]. Mamma! [Swooshing]. Mamma, I’m sorry [inaudible]! Mamma please, mamma please, mamma please, [inaudible]! And my grandmother would get mad and beat your ass with anything, right. You know, old douche bag cord, anything. Anyone here remember them old douche bags they used to have? Them big red boys? Used to hang in the bathroom, hold eight gallons of water. My grandmother used to call it a hot water bottle. Right. It be hanging in the bathroom on a coat hanger, smell like vinegar. My grandmother would snatch the cord out of one of them boys and tear your ass up with it, right. And I’d always try to get out of ass whooping, right, by going to sleep early. You know, get in bed and just go to sleep, pass up supper and shit. No good. My grandmother would wake my ass up, you know, get your ass out… put your hand… put your… don’t you run from me, don’t you run-from-me. As long as-you black, don’t-you-run-from-me. And there was always one thing to remember when you was getting your ass whooped, right, that was not to say shit. Right. I mean, you could yell and scream all you want, but don’t say no shit like, I won’t do it no more. Cause that just add extra licks, right. Say, oh, I know-you ain’t- gonna do it-no more, cause-you shouldn’t have-done it – the first time when I told you-not to do it. And you would wake up in the morning and look like a welt. You’d be good for eight months, though, jack. [Inaudible]. And then she’d fix you up, come here, baby. Now, see, you shouldn’t do that, goddamnit. I told you not to. Just sit still now. And the next time you do it, I’m gonna tear your ass up again. But I would much rather like my grandmother to discipline me than my father, right, cause my father just go out. I mean, he might say any kind of shit, you know, like go stand in the middle of the street while I start the car. You heard me, get your ass in the middle of the street. My father was scary, boy. I’d piss on myself sometimes he call my name… Richard! Huh! And I had a fight with my father one time, you know. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but I did the best I could. I just got tired of them ass whoopings, right. I said, this is it. I’m not taking no more ass whooping, This is it. And he looked at me and he said, what, you a man now, mother fucker. Yeah. And he hit me in the chest, hard. [Sound effect]. He hit me so hard my chest just caved in and wrapped around his fist. And I held on to it with my chest. I would not let it go so he could hit my ass again. And everywhere he moved his arm, I was hanging on like this. And my Father was an honest person. I mean, he’d say anything that was on his mind. Like he… he was a brutally honest man. Cause I remember when my stepmother died, we were going to the funeral, and everybody was crying and shit. And I said, pop, it’s gonna be all right, pop, It’s gonna be all right. You know, and it was about 14 below zero. And he was in the back seat, and I said, it’s okay, it’s okay. He said, yeah, if it gets any colder, we’re gonna have to bury the bitch by ourself. Now, that’s my Father, you know I wouldn’t lie on him, right. Cause he got to the graveyard and he was telling the preacher the dirt, get to the part with the dirt, shit, it’s cold. Yeah, baby, I love you, but shit, it’s cold out here, goddamn. Right, and then you go home and eat everything, like all the neighbors and shit would bring food over. And everybody would eat something, you know. Like Miss Irene is a lady that helped raise me, she brought over some dressing with almonds in it and stuff, it was great. We had fun till somebody found some legs on one of the almonds. Right, the fella was eating it, Say! There’s some legs on my almond. I said, well don’t tell me about the shit, I didn’t have no roaches, mother fucker, you’re the one got the roaches. I don’t want to see the shit, no, get the fuck out of my face. My Grandmother said, now, don’t say nothing to her. Said, she old and blind, she can’t see no more, so she probably left the oven open and they crawled in there last night. But Richard, you had roaches just like everybody else. And they’s good, too, wasn’t they, honey? My Father taught me about like the great outdoors. You know, he loved like the woods and shit… and nature. Something… cause I still dig it today, you know. I used to love to go, like my Father would take me fishing and hunting. I liked to go hunting with him, but I hated being the dog. No, cause my Father didn’t have no patience, you know what I mean, he just lose his temper. Goddamnit, chase the rabbit this way! Well, what the fuck you chasing the rabbit back that way! Get your ass in the car, shit! We ain’t gonna never eat! Get your ass in the car, you don’t know how to chase no goddamn rabbit. But there was something about nature, man, and he taught me to be in the woods and just the sounds you would hear would be so different. You ever notice [whispering] how quiet you get when you go in the woods. It’s almost like you know the gods are there, right, you be quiet. (crunch, crunch) Leaves be crinkling under your feet. (crunch, crunch) Something about nature, right, just makes you want to… shit. And women won’t go to the bathroom outside, right. Ladies, you won’t, will you, the women. Say, you want to go to the bathroom out here, baby. Un-un. No, too much, look, no, un-un. Too many things crawling around could crawl up there, no. I’ll wait till we get back to the car. And I say, bitch, you ain’t gonna piss in the car! You better drop your drawers and piss here. Cause a man could just whip that shit out anywhere, right, You know, all on the tree and shit. You ever write your name in the snow, you be [gesturing]. Women still be standing around, I’m not going to do it, un-un. I got to go real bad, too. Okay, I’m gonna pull my panties down a little bit. Okay. Now, you don’t… don’t you do nothing, don’t you be funny. If you see something, you let me know. You’re not gonna do nothing funny, are you? No, baby, go ahead. I ain’t gonna do nothing, go ahead. Okay. I’ll just pull it down a little bit. I like to wait till they get into it, right, and you go, somebody’s coming! And women can cut they piss off like that, whap, and not another drop come out! Men, have you ever tried to stop your piss? You’ll get eight hernias. You all can be [moaning], piss will be running down your leg, you’ll be [moaning].
And there’s things in the woods that fuck with you, you know what I mean? Like snakes. Snakes make you run into trees. They do, right. Snake! …pow. Not many black people get bitten by snakes, that’s true. Statistically, that is true. Because black people stroll too cool in the woods. They do. N*ggers be in the woods and be, must have a different attitude about the woods. They’ll be walking. [Gently] Snake. Now, white people get bit all the time, cause they have a different rhythm. They be in the woods [gesturing]. But in the woods when you be hunting deer and shit, you’ll be in the woods and you hear (crunch, crunch… ) Say, come over this way, come over. (crunch, crunch), [monkey sound effect] Say, what the fuck was that? I don’t know. (crunch, crunch) Come on. And deer will be drinking water, right. (crunch) And I don’t know how deer ever drink water, as scared as they are, right. They be like [gesturing]. Say, come on. Come on around this way. Why in the fuck you gonna make two paths, just bring your ass the way I’m going. I know what I’m doing, goddamnit, just walk where I walk. Well, you’ll be upwind, he’ll smell you. Just bring your… walk in my footsteps, goddamnit. Come on. Get off my goddamn foot. You were on my corn now. (crunch, crunch… crunch, crunch) [Whispering] There he is. Beautiful, ain’t it? Give me the rifle. What rifle? The rifle I gave you back at the car. Shit, I didn’t know you wanted me to carry the rifle. If you ain’t got the rifle, we in trouble. How you figure that, ain’t nothing but a deer. I know that, but there’s a bear behind you. Oh, shit. Which way you gonna run. No, I just want to know so I don’t run over your ass. So them woods is something else, jack. Thank you. Thank you.
You got to have a certain kind of persona, though, to be in the woods fucking with them animals and shit, boy. That’s they home, you know what I mean. You have to be knowing what you’re doing, cause you might be fucking around and something grab your ass. You have to have a look about you, right. I mean, you know, if you look like Leon Spinks, then you could get away with that shit. No, cause Leon could chase some of that shit out of them woods. Right, them mountain lions and shit, did you see the smile on that mother fucker man? I hope brother Leon ain’t here tonight and hear that shit. Leon, boy. Now, that’s another n*gger have bad luck be fucking with him, too. Right, Leon will be walking down the street, bad luck. Leon. Huh? What you want to do, freaky deaky? Leors a brother got a lot of heart, though. He really has, you know. Gave Ali another shot at the title and shit, and they didn’t want him to. It makes me feel good when that happens. Really. Cause to me, I don’t think nobody else can beat that young n*gger, myself, cause he just, ali didn’t really beat him up. You know, he just beat him often. Cause that n*gger ain’t been hurt yet. He don’t know nothing about the pain, not Leon. Leon was trying to get the championship and was cool, too, right. Every time Leon started some shit, Ali would grab his ass. Ali would say, not here, n*gger, not tonight. No, Lord, every time you start some shit I’m gonna grab your ass just like this here. Cause I got to have it this evening. So now I’m gonna let you go, take that with you. And Leon figure like, Leors saying, I ain’t got nothing to lose. I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no teefers. And I definitely ain’t got no driver’s license. So what in the fuck can you do to me, freaky deaky. The only thing about it, I don’t like to hear when white people would be saying, he dumb, ain’t he? And n*ggers be agreeing with him, though, that’s what tickles me. Be happy for any n*gger doing any thing. Right, cause there ain’t nobody ever said the heavyweight champion had to be no entomologist, anyway. Right. They say, Leon, what do you do. I knock mother fuckers out. That’s all he got to do. Ali, man, I got in the ring one time and ali, man, is awesome. That n*gger, I was in a benefit with him just for fun boxing, and just to get in the ring with that n*gger your heart go uhhh. No, cause something make you say, you know, I’m in this mother fucking ring and shit, and does everybody know this is for fun? You know, cause the n*gger will be fucking with you, right. As soon as you get in the ring, Ali be talking about, [gesturing]. I say, wait a minute, does this n*gger know this is a benefit? He ain’t supposed to hit my ass up in this mother fucker. And the n*gger is so fast that you don’t see his punches till they coming back [sound effect]. That’s all you see right, and your mind be saying, wait a minute now, there was some shit in my face a minute ago, I know that much. Ali came out, man, he threw about eight punches about a quarter inch from my nose. He said, [sound effect]. I said, shit! And I was happy to be in the ring with the champ, you know what I mean. But my mind kept saying, I said, what happens if this n*gger has one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks. You know what I mean, he might go round 11, Joe Frazier, booom. And he’ll give me brain damage for life, right. I’d be, uh-huh [sound effects]. Freaky deaky. That boxing is a hard hustle, though. I used to box in the golden gloves. I was good in the gym. It was in the ring where I had my trouble. I was a mother fucker in the gym hitting the heavy bag, you know, (Bam, bam, bam) Cause the bag don’t move. Cause you get in the rings, n*ggers will be talking about [gesturing]. I said, hey, coach, what about this shit here! I say, this n*gger moving! And I always had to box them dudes that looked like they just killed their parents. You know, have you ever seen them n*ggers with them big rusty ass hands, the kind of hand you can strike a match in the middle of it? Right. They come out at the bell beating themself up. Right, (ding, boom, boom… ) I’m saying, well, he don’t give a fuck about me! He kicking his own ass! Then the coach say, stick and move, stick and move. And you be scared when you have your first boxing, right, you’ll be doing [gesturing]. And you’ll get one in, right, (bip,) You’ll look at your own shit and say, hey, this shit might work, right. And then you start trying a little bit. (bam, bam, bip, ping, bip-ping) Then it gets good to you, right. (bam, ping) And I fucked around and left one of them pings out there too long. And I saw this n*gger’s eyes got real red. And in his mind, I know he was saying, I’m gonna kill them ribs. And he hit me with a punch he got From… Mississippi. It came from Mississippi, in slow motion, it say, [sound effect]. Gained momentum in Georgia [sound effect]. Swept up through Louisiana [sound effect]. And my body said get the fuck out of the way. I couldn’t move, though. And my mind is saying drop your arm, block the punch, then counter with your right. But my arm said, I ain’t got nothing to do with it. And he hit me in the ribs, [sound effect]. You ever had air leave your body, air just said, fuck it! [Sound effect]. And then he saw my other side was weak and he said, oh, you want some air [sound effect]. And I kept trying to fall, but my legs was in good shape. They wouldn’t fall. My legs just looked at me and said, why in the fuck should we fall? There ain’t nobody hit us. Shit, you gonna make us look bad cause you can’t take a ass whipping. You better raise your ass back up there, jack. I had one n*gger whoop me so good I thought he was playing conga on my body. [Rhythmic sound effects] I start dancing with the mother fucker. [Rhythmic sound effects] And what hurts you most in boxing like when you box, right, is the mother fuckers that hit you in the body. I mean, you can deal with them wild swinging mother fuckers, right, cause you just block their punch, get out of the way. But them body punchers, jack, you come out with your guard like this at first, you be all up here. [Sound effects] About round five you come out [gesture]. And you forget your chin is open, right. You be going, you can’t hit me in the ribs now. The cat hits you in the chin, pow. And your legs are the first thing to go, right. Your legs say, excuse me, uh, I’m falling, I don’t know about you. And you be saying, no, legs, hang in there, fuck it. And you be down, jack. You start looking in the audience for your parents. Hi, Mom. I’m okay. The referee counting and shit, you know. You say, I don’t know what the fuck you counting for, I ain’t getting up. I’m gonna make sure this fight’s over. I ain’t getting out of the ring till they start sweeping up. And there’s always somebody in the audience talking about, Get up! Get up! Fuck you! That’s how I got down here in the first place. That’s why you gotta keep your legs in shape man, and do road work and shit. You gotta run four and five miles a day. Ali run backwards cause that’s the way he fights. I just be running like this. Rashan, my trainer, he say, run and keep your mouth closed, breathe through your nose. You be, [sound effects]. You’ll be breathing through your nose and snot start coming out of your nose, right. That’s when the women come out, right. You got snot hanging on your nose. [Inaudible]. You ever be running and get one of them [sound effect], and get it on somebody running next to you? Like it’s, say jack, what’s this shit you got on [inaudible]! Do you know I will kick your ass! You gonna be running for real, you don’t get this shit off me! And sometimes it’s ego crushing when you be running, cause a old white man be out there lapping your ass, right. Be [pantomime]. And you ever be running and you get that pain in your side where the pain say, hello, I’ll be fucking with you the next hour or so. I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass. I’ll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass. When you drop dead, I will stop. I need some water. No, but you got to stay in shape and shit, cause you never can tell when in real life you will have to… run! That’s right, run. Goddamnit, run. Why get killed when you can… run! That’s right, a lot of people get a ass whipping, and you could run. You’ll be in the hospital, your ego will heal a lot faster than a broken jaw. Cause you’ll still be in the hospital talking about, shit, I should have run. Run! That’s right, if somebody pull a knife on you, and you can’t pull out nothing but a hand with some skin on it, your intelligence ought to tell you to… run! But people be watching Kojak and shit too much. They think they have to be [singing] macho man. [Singing] I’ll take that knife and shove it up your ass. [Singing] I’m macho man. You go from macho man to [singing] dead person. Cause see, in the movies, they always make looking getting stabbed with a knife look like it’s cool, right, because they have that music. [Musical sound effects] See, in real life, you don’t hear no [musical sound effects]. All you feel is a knife in your ass. You won’t be talking about [sound effects], so run! And teach your old lady how to run so you don’t have to go back after her ass. You say, I’ll meet you home in five minutes, baby. And then you got something to laugh about when you get home, right. You say, baby, shit, I beat you here by two minutes, what the fuck happened? See, but people try to be [singing] macho man. That’ll get you fucked up, jack. Especially nowadays, cause young dudes that fight, they don’t even fight like older people, you know what I mean. Like when we used to just have gang fights you used your fists and shit. Now, they got that kung fu and karate and shit, they like to pluck your eye out and pull your arm out of the socket and shit. There ain’t no fun in them. See, you go out there with that old fashioned shit, they just kick you in the nuts. You’ll be come on, jack. They said, clip [gesturing]. Oh, boy. No, no, I’ve had enough, no. You win, you win. Oh, oh, oopsy daisy. Okay. No, I’m fine. Just trying to find my balls. Two, there was two of them, There’s two. Here’s one here. No, no, I’ll just put it in my pocket, thank you. But if you see the other one, would you mail it to me. See it around, just… but you gotta stay in shape, right, because you never can tell, jack. You ought to swim or something. I can’t swim, myself, you know. My kids swim their ass off. We got a pool, I can’t swim. I’m in the shallow part, I’ll be pitching a bitch in the shallow part. [Sound effect] Don’t nobody push me, jack. One time I was playing with my kids and forgot what I was doing, and fucked around and jumped off in the deep end. And that water bring your memory back… like that. I didn’t even get a chance to get mother [sound effect]. And my mind, all your mind says when you think you’re drowning in the pool, your mind say, get to the edge! Get your ass to the edge! And I was swimming my ass off in one spot. I wasn’t going no place. And my kids was watching me, right. And my kids think everything I do is funny. They were saying, look at daddy drowning, ha ha ha! Daddy, you’re so funny! Say, kick your legs, daddy, kick your legs! I’m saying, I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t help me out of this mother fucker. And my kids get away with shit I never could get away with, Because I can’t bring myself like just to beat them up, You know, like being [inaudible] parent. You know, that kind of standard parent shit like my family did. Because I don’t want to fuck my kids up like I’m fucked up. So I just talk to them, you know, I’ll say get the fuck out of my face. You know, just leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to hear this shit. You know don’t respect yourself, I know you don’t respect me, now fuck you. About an hour later they come to my room, though. [Knocking at door] I’m sorry. I fucked up. I say, that’s right, and don’t do it no more, cause I don’t want to have to get on your ass. Oh, daddy, it’s okay. My kids, boy, when they lie though, that’s the thing that I love the most, when they be trying to tell them lies and you know they’re lying, right. You say, um, who broke this? Huh? I said, who broke this? Okay. I’m gonna tell you, okay? First, okay, I’m gonna tell you. First, first I wasn’t in here, right. Uh-uh. First I was… I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Uh-huh. Then… then… Then when I was in the kitchen, do you know what happened? You don’t know what happened? I’m gonna tell you, okay. Then I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Then, I was… I was running in here… I wasn’t really running, Because you remember when you told me not to run, uh-huh. So, I wasn’t really running, running. But it was kind of like I was running. My legs was moving real fast, it looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really running, un-un. And I was in here then when that thing, that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was broke even before I was born. And when that door almost fell back like that, and it broke and it fell down and it broke [inaudible]. That’s what happened. I need some wa-ter.
Audience member: [inaudible].
Richard Pryor: Fuck you. Can you… can you turn the lights up just for a moment. Just for a second. Shut the fuck up. Turn the house lights up, house people. Lighters, just for a minute, just for a second. Thank you. I’d like to introduce you to someone, Ladies and gentlemen, Huey P. Newton. Stand up, Huey.
Richard Pryor: Thank you for coming. Turn the lights down now. Turn the mother fuckers down. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming, Huey. I’m happy that you’re here. Now, what… shut the what, mother fucker? What, you done stood up and you crazy you got a jacket on and it’s hot in this mother fucker. So, I’m definitely gonna speak to you, what is it?
Audience member: Rank those Mexicans?
Richard Pryor: You got it… about the Mexicans? You want me to rank the Mexicans? You all are in worse trouble than n*ggers. You all get to pass for white, and I can’t be fucking with you all. That’s no, it’s no fun picking on Mexicans, you guys got a country. And the Chinese, too. The Chinese, the Chinese people here [inaudible], you better watch out, I’ll sic them on your ass. There’s a billion Chinese, ain’t but 4O Mexicans. That’s a lot of people, right, a billion people. Jesus Christ. Somebody in China doing some serious fucking. They fuck quick, too, right. [Sound effect] I was in Chinatown, right, We went to Chinatown about five months ago, I heard the funniest shit I’d ever heard in my life, was a Chinese person that stuttered. I swear. This dude was really stuttering in Chinese. Talking about [sound effect]. And his friends was getting mad at him, trying to help his ass, right. Going [sound effect]. He was still going [sound effect]. You go to Chinatown, they get mad if you don’t eat all the food, right. You go, uh, man, can I have the check please. They say, you got two more dishes. Man, I can’t eat no more of this shit. Say, you order shit, you eat shit. Who do you think you are, Buster Brown? And they bring you a bill, don’t they. You ever see them bills, say $48.50 for what? Then they get smooth on your ass, right. Guy says, you had the two lobster [inaudible], and chop suey [inaudible]. And if you really don’t understand, they send that stuttering mother fucker over there to explain it to you. [Sound effect] You just end up throwing your money down and say, here, mother fucker, take what you want. Just shut the fuck up before you die. But a billion people, there has to be making love in China. See, they ain’t like black people in China. See, they fuck quick and get it over with. Black people try to stay in the pussy three and four days, right. Be inventing new ways to fuck, right. Just take your leg, baby, wait a minute, move your arm. Here, put your… put your pussy on this ladder, right. Now just move around, yeah. Now hold it, yeah, shit, there it is, mm-hmm. There, goddamn, don’t you move now. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I just found out some time ago that sometimes women don’t have orgasms. And that fucked me up. No, cause I just knew I was doing some serious fucking, right. I’m talking about where you get the hump in your back and shit, you know. Get all ugly in the face, you be [gesturing]. Toes be talking about [gesturing]. And you go, how was it, baby? The woman go, [gesturing]. You say, you say, [gesturing]. Well, what the fuck is, [gesturing]! Well, I didn’t come. Well, shit, I did. Well, what about me? Say, what about you? Shit, I got mine, get yours. Shit, I ain’t got no time to be sensitive, cause I’m [singing] macho man. [Singing] I don’t give a damn if you come or not, [singing] I’m macho man. You gotta be cool when you’re macho man, right, cause you can’t be sensitive and care about if someone have a good time in bed, shit. That’s too scary, right. Cause men be scared in bed. I don’t give a fuck what they tell you women, when the sex is over, the man be talking shit like, did she come, I wonder if she came, I think she came. I wonder if it was good to her, I hope it was good to her. I’m not gonna ask her, though. I don’t give a [inaudible], cause if you didn’t like it, that’s all right, I don’t care, cause I did the best I could, now fuck her. That’s it. She’s not getting anymore and that’s it. Please get hard, please. I don’t care what, don’t kiss me no more, I don’t want to be touched. And some n*ggers will be lying, talking about, I can fuck eight, nine hours, jack. You some lying mother fuckers. You fuck nine hours, we know where to bury your ass on the tenth. Hey, cause I like making love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fucking, then I need eight hours sleep, and a bowl of wheaties. And you can tell when you done made good love to your woman, right, because she will go to sleep. That’s when you really are [singing] macho man. [Singing] I put your ass to sleep, I’m macho man. But if you finish fucking and your woman want to talk about computer components, you got some more fucking to do. And don’t get me wrong now, they got some women just as chauvinist as we men are, right. They got some woman be talking about, oh, no, please stop, I can’t take it, oh, please stop. You say, can you wait till I put it in? And usually when men meet a woman that says she never had an orgasm, man, we go right past sensitivity, right, we go right to the ego, right. And say, well, bitch, you gonna come this evening. Get that as soon as I can get my shit open here. Man, as much shit as I got in this briefcase, I know you gonna come. Just a minute, now, here (bzzzzzzz… ) Just relax. (bzzzzzz… )
And when you don’t use sensitivity when you’re having sex, right, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen. Because men really get afraid, men are really scared in bed of women because they got, you got to have that macho shit be working. Uh, did… did, uh, did you… did you, um, uh, did you come? Did you? Right, cause men get defensive, if a woman says she didn’t come, men get real defensive, right. They won’t take their no fault for shit, right. They might say anything when they get scared, right. Man will go, uh, look, baby, uh, maybe your pussy’s dead. And women always have a great comeback, right, the woman says, well, why don’t you give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You ever give head for nine hours? Your back locks. Your jaws and shit swell all up, your lips look like a can’toon, jack. You be talking about, [muffled] Baby, I can’t do any more. And when you stop, women always say, but I almost came! Finally, I ended up saying, I said look, I’ll be the bitch, you get on top. And she came, too, right. She says, oh, oh, oh, I’m coming! Oh. [sound effects] “Close Encounters…” melody She say, how was it? I say [gesturing].
[Uproarious applause continued]