Original air date: April 7, 2024
Larry returns to Atlanta, where he gets involved in Richard’s love life and reveals a secret about Cheryl.
* * *
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
ATTENDANT: Seat backs up, fasten your seatbelts. Let me get your seat back. This needs to go up. And fasten your seatbelt, sir.
LARRY: Seatbelt?
Yeah.
LARRY: Just more government interference. Next thing you know, they won’t let me have an abortion on the plane.
Oh, okay. I’m glad I could help. Um, and, sir, if you just wanna close your laptop there.
Oh, yeah.
And then if you just wanna turn your phone off. Thanks.
LARRY: Sure. Yeah. Okay. Got it.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) At this time we ask you to fasten all seatbelts and turn off all electronic devices as we prepare for takeoff.
SUSIE GREENE: Hey, Larr. What’s up with Lewis? I thought he was coming to Atlanta with us for the trial.
LARRY: Oh, no. He left two days earlier.
So he’s there now?
LARRY: Yeah. He went out with this woman 30 years ago. They broke up. She lives in Atlanta now, so he’s gonna see her.
Rekindling?
LARRY: Rekindling.
I hope it works out for him.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. I’m sure it’s gonna work out.
Larry, when we get in the air, I’m gonna watch your little show Seinfeld. Never seen it.
LARRY: Oh, yeah? It’s about time.
I’m gonna watch that shit. I’ll tell you how it is.
LARRY: I’m not really interested in your opinion.
What do you mean?
LARRY: I don’t consider you a person.
(LAUGHS) We’ll see.
(SEATBELT UNCLICKS)
Excuse me, sir?
LARRY: Oh.
Someone let me know that your phone is still on. We need to put that on airplane mode or stow it away.
LARRY: Who would do something like that?
I’m not gonna disclose that. And your seatbelt’s off.
LARRY: But why won’t you tell me?
Why would I tell you?
LARRY: Because I’d like to know if there’s a squealer on this plane. I’d like to know who it is. I’m not comfortable flying with a squealer.
Sir, you’re not comfortable with a squealer yet you’re asking me to squeal?
LARRY: That’s a different kind of squealing.
It seems very hypocritical.
LARRY: I could see on its face that it does seem that way.
Okay.
LARRY: But if you examine it, it’s really not.
I’m not gonna squeal on the squealer, okay? And let’s keep that phone off.
LARRY: Okay. Sure. Yeah.
Thank you. Good job. Thank you.
LARRY: I got it. Yeah.
Okay.
(SEATBELT UNCLICKS)
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) We apologize for the delay. We are next in line for takeoff. Flight attendants, prepare for departure.
Sir? Sir, we need you to buckle up.
LARRY: Huh? What? Huh?
We need you to buckle up.
LARRY: Oh, yeah. No, no. I was just Yeah.
I know what you were doing.
Okay. Just gonna stay seated. Okay?
LARRY: Okay. Hey, you told her that I was on the phone?
How dare you accuse me of squealing?
LARRY: Huh? Just asking.
I’m schlepping all the way to fuckin’ Atlanta to support you, on my anniversary, no less.
LARRY: It still doesn’t mean you couldn’t have done it, even if you are coming to support me.
Oh, please. I have better things to do than squeal on you.
LARRY: Well, it’s about plane safety. I’m sure you’re interested in that.
I don’t give a shit.
LARRY: You tell her about my phone? Was that you?
You think I did that shit?
LARRY: Everyone’s a suspect.
You think I’m a fuckin’ snitch?
LARRY: I don’t think you’re above it.
Oh. It’s like that?
LARRY: Yeah. It’s like that.
Why would I draw attention when I got my own fucking phone on?
LARRY: Your phone’s on?
Fuck yeah, my phone is on.
LARRY: His phone’s on.
His phone, sir?
LARRY: Check it out. Check it out.
Come on. Really?
LARRY: Look at his phone. Look at his phone.
You’re squealing on someone now?
LARRY: Yeah, he’s endangering the rest of the passengers. He is.
Okay. Okay. Look, it came back on by itself.
Please turn that off.
LARRY: No. He left he left it on.
And is your phone now off?
LARRY: Yes.
Show her. Show your phone. Show it to her.
LARRY: Oh, my God. Oh. I thought I turned it off.
That’s on. Can you turn that onto airplane mode?
LARRY: Sure. Yeah.
ATTENDANT: Thank you so much.
JEFF GREENE: (WHISPERS) Larry. Larry.
Yeah?
LARRY: (LOUDLY) This guy back here.
What? Oh, it it flipped on. Why would you do that to me?
LARRY: Passenger safety.
You’re dealing with three very disturbed individuals here.
Thank you. Everyone, the plane is taxiing, okay? I need your phones to be off or stowed and seatbelts fastened.
LARRY: Okay.
Okay.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WHISPERS) That’s bullshit.
LARRY: That’s some bullshit.
That’s that bullshit.
LEON BLACK: I watched a few, uh, Seinfeld episodes on the plane and shit. (CHUCKLES) You never told me it was a show about weekly ass.
LARRY: It’s not a show about weekly ass.
Jerry just constantly got ass every week. You know what I thought it was from the beginning? I said, “This ain’t a fucking, uh, TV show. This is more of a fuck documentary.” That’s what it felt like.
LARRY: (LAUGHS)
Yeah, man. And how do you fuck that much, man? It’s like you need you need, like, extra dicks. Like Like you got your own dick, but then you gotta have a backup dick. A dick should be interchangeable.
LARRY: Yeah. Like a pair of glasses. It should be like a pair of glasses.
Yeah!
LARRY: You could put one on in the morning.
Yeah. Quick, put that motherfucker on. That way, you ain’t wearing out your original dick. Like when a lady say, “Oh, more, more.” “Oh, you want more? Oh, I– I’m I’mma take my other dick out my back pocket.”
(BOTH LAUGH)
See that? (LAUGHS)
LARRY: Right. Oh. Oh. There’s our exit.
(TURN SIGNAL TICKING)
LARRY: Hey, she’s not She won’t let me in. Hey, let me in. Let me in!
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: Can we get over?
LARRY: Hey! Can we get in? Hey! What’s wrong with you?
LEON: We’re trying to get in!
LARRY: She’s speeding up!
LEON: We wanna get off the highway!
LARRY: Are you kidding me? What is with this woman? Won’t let us in!
Oh, shit! Fuck you too!
LARRY: What? I just wanna get in! What kind of person does something like that?
DRIVER: Fuck you!
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: (LAUGHS) Appreciate it.
LARRY: Thank you.
Whoo!
Mr. David, pulling for you, man.
LARRY: Appreciate it. Thank you.
You got it, brother.
Look at you, man. Most popular White man in America right now. You don’t have to buy a pack of Kools for the rest of your life. (LAUGHS)
LARRY: Excellent.
I’ll be back.
LARRY: (GROANS)
(GASPS) Oh, my gosh. Preston, come here. I am so sorry, sir. No
LARRY: Hey, that’s fine. Here you go.
Thank you. Okay. Preston, what do we say when we hurt somebody?
LARRY: It it’s okay. It didn’t hurt me at all.
MOTHER: No, no, no. Just one more second. No, no. Come on. We just talked about this.
LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.
Okay? We say I’m… s…
LARRY: Okay, I– I
Uh…
LARRY: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
PRESTON AND MOTHER: I’m…
Please don’t help him out. I want him to learn this. Okay?
LARRY: All right. We’re good. Thank you.
No, no, no. We’re not done yet. We’re gonna learn this lesson here, ’cause this is a really important lesson.
LARRY: Hey, hey. We don’t have to learn the lesson, but I’ll tell you what. If you want me to participate in this lesson…
Yeah.
LARRY: Okay. Here’s my two cents.
Okay. Great. Listen to the man.
LARRY: I’m 76 years old and I have never learned a lesson in my entire life. Oh-ho!
Do you think that’s helping?
LARRY: I do.
That’s who we don’t wanna be like, okay? Come on. Let’s go.
MIKA BRZEZINSKI: The trial of the State of Georgia versus Larry David is underway…
LARRY: You’re kidding me.
…with jury selection beginning tomorrow.
LARRY: Could you do me a favor? Could you put on ESPN please? Thank you.
So why don’t you wanna come with us? We’re going to Auntie Rae’s restaurant. It’s supposed to be great.
I know. Send her my love. But I’m here to see, you know, Cynthia. We’re getting along great. In bed, everything is cool. We’re still great lovers.
Ugh.
RICHARD LEWIS: What are you Why are you annoyed?
You can’t Why can’t you
SUSIE: That’s TMI.
LARRY: We don’t wanna hear that.
Why? What is–
LARRY: ‘Cause it’s a It’s a picture of you, uh…
No, no!
You don’t have to picture me. Picture her!
LARRY: We don’t wanna picture that.
RICHARD: Why can’t I
No. Please, no.
LARRY: I’d rather picture my parents naked than you naked.
JEFF: Don’t mention intercourse anymore.
Really.
A little bit nauseous.
LARRY: Oh, hey.
Hey, what’s up?
Hey, man.
LEON: Scotch.
So you guys– It sounds like you were, like, madly in love.
(SIGHS) We were deeply in love.
Wow.
In fact, so much in love that when I broke up with her, she attempted suicide.
Ooh.
LARRY: Really?
What?
LARRY: You’re telling me that if she can’t have you, she’d rather be dead?
I guess so.
LARRY: You know, sometimes when you break up with someone, to get pity, they say they attempted suicide so the person will go back with them.
It’s manipulative.
LARRY: It’s manipulative. Yeah.
Wait a minute. You’re doubting her suicide attempt?
LARRY: You think you’re suicide material?
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
LARRY: Really?
Richard.
RICHARD: Hi, beautiful.
Hi.
Good to see you, baby.
Good to see you, too.
This must be Cynthia.
It sure is.
Yes.
Hi.
Hi. Susie.
Susie, nice to meet you.
My husband, Jeff.
CYNTHIA: Hi, Jeff.
JEFF: Pleasure.
LEON: Hey.
CYNTHIA: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
SUSIE: And Larry. You know Larry.
It’s her.
Yeah.
Yeah, Larry’s over here. Big shot Larry on the news.
CYNTHIA: Larry. Yes.
Hello.
RICHARD: And his friend Leon.
Hi. Yeah.
Hey, how you doin’?
CYNTHIA: I’m good. How are you?
Nice to meet you.
I think we met earlier today, actually.
On I85. I was trying to get over to the exit.
LEON: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
And, uh, you wouldn’t you wouldn’t let me in.
What I don’t think I Doesn’t sound like me.
Do you have a blue Mercedes?
I do.
Huh.
CYNTHIA: But it wasn’t me.
I wasn’t even on I85 today. So you just
You weren’t on I85 today?
I was not on I85 today.
You know, this is exciting to hear this Highway Patrol story, but we’re gonna go eat dinner and have some time…
♪ (LOUDLY HUMS “HIGHWAY PATROL” THEME) ♪
That’s right. Enjoy dinner.
Say hello to Auntie Rae.
Enjoy your evening. It was very nice to meet you.
♪ (CONTINUES HUMMING THEME) ♪
Thanks for everything. Both of you.
All right, guys. We gotta go. We have a reservation.
I know the Highway Patrol theme. I was singing it.
JEFF: Go.
♪ (CONTINUES HUMMING THEME) ♪
SUSIE: That’s wonderful, Larr.
If you need anything else, let me know.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
CHERYL DAVID: Hi, guys.
Hello, Cheryl.
CHERYL: How’s it going?
♪ (CONTINUES HUMMING) ♪
You just got here?
CHERYL: Yeah.
SUSIE: Wanna come to dinner with us?
We’re going to Auntie Rae’s. It’s gonna be delicious.
Oh. No, I’m waiting for Ted.
Oh.
He’s finishing up an interview
because he’s protesting tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
On your behalf.
No, he’s protesting on his behalf.
He’s not gonna stand by and let people be mistreated.
He’s not gonna stand by off camera and let people be mistreated.
Okay. Anyway, we’re gonna go to dinner after.
Do you know of any good places around here?
Oh, oh. The Mexican place.
Oh, that place is good, La Conde.
No, no. She doesn’t like Mexican food.
SUSIE: No?
LARRY: No.
SUSIE: Well, you go to the left and there’s like a million restaurants.
We better go, guys, because you know Auntie Rae.
All right. Let’s go.
You cannot be late for Auntie Rae.
See you later, Cher.
Okay. Yeah. Hey. Excuse me.
Why would you say that?
Huh? Say what?
That I don’t like… (WHISPERS) …Mexican food.
Well, you don’t like Mexican food.
Don’t say it in front of people.
I told you that in confidence.
What? Confidence?
I don’t know what your problem with it is.
Because it’s personal to me.
No, that’s not personal.
It is.
Telling people what sexual positions you like,
that would be personal.
Just keep it to yourself.
You don’t like funnel cake.
Is it okay if I tell people that?
Yes.
You didn’t like the remake
of The Fugitive with Harrison Ford.
Can I tell people that?
Yes.
Okay.
I won’t tell anybody else…
CHERYL: Thank you.
(WHISPERS) …that you don’t like Mexican food.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
I am.
I’m not so sure.
Okay.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
LARRY: She won’t let us in. She sped up. And no doubt that it was her. Was it not?
It was her.
LARRY: Huh? She gave us the finger. We gave her the finger. Terrible, terrible person. You know what? I’m I’m gonna say something to him.
Oh, don’t tell Larry, don’t be a buttinski and start telling Richard. Let him have his illusions, whatever they are. You never learn your lesson.
LARRY: I don’t learn my lesson?
No, you do not. When have you ever learned a lesson?
LARRY: Okay, I’ll tell you when. Okay. When I was 19 years old, I was in a bar. I had a drink. And I looked at the bartender and I said to him, “Hey, Captain, I’ll have another,” and he gave me like the dirtiest look. And I’ve never called anybody captain since.
Why would you call him captain?
LARRY: What do you mean why? You’ve never called anybody captain?
Not captain, but I did call a motherfucker chief, and then realized he was a real Indian and shit.
All right. We’ve got four Rae’s Special Salads.
Here you go.
Whoo!
SUSIE: Thank you.
Oh, I also brought y’all some extra salad dressing, because y’all are gonna love it.
Hoowee!
Y’all need anything else?
LARRY: I think we’re good. Thank you very much.
WAITRESS: All right.
LEON: Good. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
WAITRESS: You’re welcome.
Oh, my God. This is so delicious.
What is in this that’s so good?
LEON: It’s great.
This is the best dressing I’ve ever had.
It’s really good. I agree with you.
Oh, my God. If I had this recipe,
I would make salads every day, I’d be losing weight like crazy.
LARRY: Mm, really good.
Auntie Rae!
Hey!
LEON: Hey!
I hope y’all having a good time.
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something, Auntie Rae, this is the best salad dressing I’ve ever had in my life.
I’m happy that you like it, baby.
And I would love to be able to make it back in LA. So what’s the deal? What’s in it?
Well, you know, baby, I’m glad you’re enjoying it, but that’s one recipe that they can’t pull out of me.
Oh, come on.
AUNTIE RAE: No. Even for you, baby, I don’t do.
SUSIE: Oh, damn.
Mmmm. That’s just the way it is.
LARRY: Mic drop!
(AUNTIE RAE LAUGHS) So, I’ll see y’all in a little bit, all right?
SUSIE: What is in this? It’s so fucking good.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
EARL MACK: Well, well, well. I feel like I won the jury lottery today. I look around here and I see nothing but good people. I can envision having y’all over on a Sunday after church for a little barbecue sometime.
Earl Mack. He’s good. He’s really good.
But the circumstances today call for this question. Who here could see themselves stealing a loaf of bread in order to feed a hungry stranger? Yeah? I ask they’re all dismissed for cause.
Dismissed.
Damn it. I wanted some of those jurors.
LARRY: Yeah. No, she was good.
JUDGE WHITTAKER: Defense, you’re up.
Thank you, Judge.
LARRY: Oh, wait. I have some thoughts.
What?
♪ (JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: All right. That guy’s got a string tie him. Let’s get rid of him. No liberal would be caught dead in a string tie.
Juror number 20, thank you.
JUDGE: Dismissed.
LARRY: Not loving 22. Big hair. Shades of Kellyanne Conway. No good.
Juror 22, dismissed.
LARRY: Forty. That’s a Fox watcher.
JUDGE: Dismissed.
LARRY: Twentythree. You see that comb over? He’s a selfloathing bald man! He hates himself and he hates other bald men. He’s gotta go.
Okay.
JUDGE: Juror 23, dismissed.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Uh, members of the jury, as you know, there’s lots of publicity around this case. As you see the cameras outside, there’s intense media scrutiny. So we’re gonna have to sequester you.
(JURORS GRUMBLING)
JUDGE: I know, I know. We’ll give you a nice hotel, try to make you comfortable.
LARRY: Oh, sequestering. That’s awful.
JUDGE: No watching TV, no listening to the radio…
LARRY: I would hate to be cooped up like that. I don’t think I could take it, you know? And I’ll bet a lot of them cheat on it too. There’s probably a bad sequesterer among them. Don’t you think?
Larry, I wouldn’t worry about the jury. You’re the defendant. And if you get convicted, you’ll be a felon.
LARRY: ♪ (HUMS “DRAGNET” THEME) ♪ Dragnet.
JUDGE: Tomorrow, the lawyers will give their opening arguments. Court adjourned.
It is day one of the trial of Larry David, the Seinfeld cocreator who’s run afoul…
LARRY: Is that for Larry?
…of the new Georgia voting law that he views as partisan, draconian, and unconstitutional.
LARRY: Thank you very much.
How this plays out could have major ramifications for the next election.
Keep it close.
VALET: Yes, ma’am.
Thank you.
LARRY: Hi.
Hi, Larry.
LARRY: You got that blue Mercedes, huh?
Yeah. Nice car.
LARRY: Oh, very nice. That’s the exact model of the car that wouldn’t let me into the lane.
That’s right. I remember…
LARRY: And a woman was driving. Huh!
But it wasn’t me.
LARRY: What a crazy coincidence.
CYNTHIA: Yeah.
LARRY: So, um, Richard told me that you once contemplated, uh, dare I say, attempted suicide?
Richard told you that?
LARRY: Yes. Yes. We’re very close. I tell him everything. He tells me everything. Yeah.
Yes, I did, Larry.
LARRY: Why did you do it? Oh, it was the whole… the breakup?
It was a very emotional time for me. I was…
LARRY: Hmm.
…very much in love with him and–
LARRY: Him?
You’re Richard’s friend?
LARRY: Yeah.
And you don’t believe anyone could be in love with him?
LARRY: No.
Have you ever known love, Larry? Have you ever known the loss of a great love?
LARRY: Oh, I’ve known love and I’ve known loss. 2004, Yankees lost the last four games to the hated Red Sox. Devastated for weeks. Felt like killing myself, actually.
Different kind of love, Larry.
LARRY: And in 1994, of course, when the Rangers won the Cup. Come on. Doesn’t get any better than that. When Messier lofted that trophy, I thought my heart was gonna burst.
Larry, I was in love with Richard. I made a choice. I’m I I was emotionally distraught. And, yes, I did attempt suicide.
LARRY: How did you do it?
I think you’re the first person who has ever asked me that question, Larry.
LARRY: Really?
So inappropriate.
LARRY: You know, you’re right. It would be inappropriate, if in fact the person actually attempted suicide.
Oh, so you’re saying you don’t believe I attempted suicide?
LARRY: How’d you do it?
I don’t remember. It was long time ago.
LARRY: You don’t remember?
(STAMMERS) Pills, okay?
LARRY: What kind of pills?
Pink pills.
LARRY: Are you sure?
Yeah, I’m sure.
♪ (QUIRKY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Okay.
Tell Richard I’ll be in the car.
LARRY: Hey, what are you doing sitting with your back to the door?
Because of my fans. They just swarm all over me.
LARRY: Really? You’re kind of like a Beatle in a way, aren’t you?
Can you spread that around?
LARRY: Yeah. Hey, Cynthia, she’s waiting in the car for you.
What do you mean? No, she’s gonna meet me in here.
LARRY: No, no. I had a little… I had a little thing with her.
What do you mean?
(LARRY CHUCKLES) You know, I asked her about the, uh, the suicide.
RICHARD: Oh, Jesus Christ. The woman tried to hang herself.
LARRY: Oh, she did?
Yes.
LARRY: Well, isn’t that curious. ‘Cause she told me she took pills.
Well, what’s the difference, pills, hanging?
LARRY: What’s the difference? What’s the difference? You think somebody would remember how they tried to kill themselves.
Why are you doing this to me again? Ruining my potential wives, ruining my chance to have children.
LARRY: Jeez. Yeah. What?
I want family.
LARRY: How are you gonna do that?
We’ll adopt.
LARRY: What are you gonna adopt, a 40-year-old?
Yeah. A doctor.
LARRY: (LAUGHING) A doctor?
A doctor or a lawyer.
LARRY: Good. Good idea.
Why not?
LARRY: Yeah. Why not? Well, you better go out. She’s waiting in the car.
You better go out. Oh, God.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Okay. You ready?
LARRY: (SCOFFS) No.
(CROWD CHEERING)
SUPPORTERS: Justice for Larry!
TED DANSON: (ON MEGAPHONE) Stop suppressing the vote! Stop suppressing the vote!
Larry, care to comment on the trial?
Can you hear the crowd? Yeah.
LARRY: Yes.
Any comment? Larry.
LARRY: Stop suppressing the vote.
ALL: Stop voter suppression!
LARRY: Stop Hold on.
Stop suppressing the vote.
ALL: Stop voter suppression!
LARRY: What are you doing?
What do you mean what am I doing?
(CHUCKLES) What are you doing?
I can’t sit this one out, Larry.
LARRY: Oh, really?
Election Integrity Act? It’s bullshit. They’re stealing votes.
LARRY: Yeah. You’re stealing the spotlight.
By the way, why are you telling everybody that Cheryl doesn’t like Mexican food?
(LARRY SCOFFS) Telling everybody? What, are you kidding? I told one person, and so what?
It’s not your story to tell, Larry.
LARRY: There’s no story. It’s not a story. What’s the shame in not liking Mexican food?
Just keep– Keep your voice down.
LARRY: Why is that bad?
Larry, we gotta go. We gotta go.
TED: Good luck in there.
LARRY: Yeah.
Hi, Mr. Danson.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Stop suppressing the vote.
ALL: Stop voter suppression!
Earl.
Morning, Counsel.
LARRY: Captain. Oh, my God. Will you look at this? No coasters. (SCOFFS) No coasters. They want you to respect the law, but the law doesn’t respect wood. You see the irony there?
Hey.
LARRY: Oh, hey.
All rise. The honorable Judge Whittaker presiding.
Take your seats. Ready for your opening statements?
I am, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Counselor, you may proceed.
My grandfather… told me we are a country of laws. That’s all we are. You may not like the Election Integrity Act, but that’s not the point. Larry David broke the law. He’s gonna admit that to you and I’m gonna bring up a number of witnesses who are gonna show you a pattern. It’s not a very nice pattern. Because Larry David doesn’t respect the law. He lives outside. Unrestrained by the guardrails of human decency. If we lived by Larry David’s code, you know what we’d have? Anarchy. Who’d like anarchy here? He’d love it. Because that man wants to burn it all down.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) I don’t know where he gets that from.
EARL: Now, we have to dig deep and ask ourselves today whether or not this man deserves the right to walk freely among good, decent, respectable people like you and me.
JUDGE: Thank you, Counselor.
(WHISPERS) Larry, you fucked!
LARRY: (WHISPERS) Shut the fuck up.
This motherfucker’s good.
JUDGE: Ms. Sanders?
Yes, Judge. Did Larry David break the law? Of course, he did. And yes, Larry is the one who’s on trial here. But Larry David is not the one who should be on trial. It is this unconscionable, inhumane law that should be on trial. You can’t give another human being water on a hot day? The district attorney will say he broke the law. Case closed. Simple as that. (KNOCKS ON DESK) But what if the law said that Black people have to ride in the back of the bus or that Jewish people have to wear stars on their clothes?
(FLY BUZZING)
SIBBY: We know this law is wrong. Its only purpose is to scare people off from voting.
(FLY CONTINUES BUZZING)
SIBBY SANDERS: It is an insult to democracy and it goes against everything the Bible tells us, what our parents taught us. Ask yourself this… what would Jesus do if he saw a line of people sweltering in the heat, crying out for water? Would you convict Jesus?
(LOUD THUD)
SIBBY: I think we all know the answer to that.
(FLY CONTINUES BUZZING)
And if you wouldn’t convict Jesus…
(BUZZING STOPS)
LARRY: Ha!
…then you can’t convict Larry.
(BUZZING RESUMES)
(BUZZING STOPS)
SIBBY: Thank you.
(JURORS WHISPER)
JUDGE: Thank you, Ms. Sanders.
LARRY: Hey.
We got ’em.
LARRY: Good job.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JUDGE: Is the state ready to call its first witness?
The state calls Joe Boccabella.
Who’s Joe Boccabella?
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, my God.
That’s not Joe Boccabella. That’s Mocha Joe.
Mr. Boccabella, I understand at one point, you were in the coffee business?
Yes, I was. It was called Mocha Joe’s. Maybe you heard of it.
Ever have a problem with anybody?
Not really. Normal stuff. Until one day Larry David came in.
EARL: Could you tell us what happened?
He started complaining, my scones were like muffins, too soft…
LARRY: (WHISPERS) Yeah. They were soft.
…my tables were wobbly, and that my coffee was cold, which it was not.
Objection, Your Honor. Relevance.
No. Which it was. It was cold.
Goes to motivation, Your Honor.
I’ll allow it.
EARL: And it ended there? I wish. He came back in and he said he was opening up what he called The Spite Store.
LARRY: Oh, here we go.
JOE BOCCABELLA: A coffee shop, right next door to my store, Mocha Joe’s. He was trying to put me out of business.
EARL: This almost sounds fantastical. (CHUCKLING)
It got even worse. I got a call in the middle of the night that Mocha Joe’s was on fire.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOE: And when I got there, he was standing there, watching my beans burn.
What did you do?
(EXPLOSION)
He burned my beans!
LARRY: I didn’t burn your beans!
You burned my beans.
LARRY: Joey Funkhouser started that fire with his big new penis.
Mr. David, shut your mouth or I’ll have my bailiff do it for you.
LARRY: (SCOFFS) What’s he gonna do? Hit me? What are you gonna do?
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
EARL: State would like to call Matsue Takahashi.
Mr. Takahashi, could you please tell the jury what your occupation is?
I own the golf club.
How were Larry David’s interactions with the other members?
Oh, he’s always disgruntled. And, also, he never say fore when he hit the ball. One time, he hit a member in the back with a golf ball.
(GOLFER GRUNTS)
LARRY: Oh, my God! Hey, what the fuck?
And I understand there was an incident involving some wildlife at the club?
Oh, yes.
(SWAN SQUAWKING)
MATSUE TAKAHASHI: He killed…
LARRY: Hey! Hey! Hey!
…my beautiful black swan, Yoko.
LARRY: Hey! (SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP, MURMUR)
LARRY: The swan attacked me! It was kill or be killed.
You’re a murderer. Murderer!
LARRY: It was self-defense.
(GAVEL BANGS)
Order!
(SPEAKS JAPANESE)
LARRY: (SPEAKS JAPANESE)
♪ (MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
EARL: The state is honored to call Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman.
Lieutenant Colonel Vindman, I understand you have a long history of uncovering corruption.
I reported President Donald Trump when he was sitting president and he attempted to extort, in a quid pro quo, President Zelenskyy, who’s now fighting a war against Russia, and President Trump ended up being impeached. I continue to expose corruption wherever I find it, and I will not tolerate corruption from Trump, Putin, or Larry David.
(ALL GROAN)
LARRY: Come on.
Trump, Putin, and Larry David?
(ALL WHISPER)
That’s an unusual combination.
I overheard Larry David attempting to bribe a Santa Monica city councilwoman.
LARRY: It was a perfect call. A perfect call.
(GAVEL BANGING)
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Vindman, Takahashi, they fly all the way out here to do that? They fly to Atlanta? I don’t know. What are we gonna do? What am I gonna do? This is looking bad.
Well, if I think of something, I’ll let you know. I gotta get going. Tomorrow’s my anniversary and Susie made these big dinner plans for us tonight, fancy restaurant. And you know what? I gotta get her a gift. I don’t even know what the fuck to get her.
LARRY: Another one? You just got her a birthday gift.
I know. Yes.
LARRY: She loved that (CHUCKLES) She loved that salad dressing.
Couldn’t get the recipe from Auntie Rae.
LARRY: That’d be a good gift.
Yeah. That’s a great gift.
LARRY: I know, but she’s not gonna give it out. She said no.
I’m gonna give it a little bit of a try.
LARRY: What are you talking about?
Watch a man in action.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hey, there. It’s Rae’s. How may I help you?
My name is Journey Gunderson. My wife is in the hospital because of the dressing on your salad.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.
There are numerous doctors and we need to know what’s in that dressing.
Mr. Gunderson, we never give that recipe out, sir.
You need to let us know.
(WHIMPERS)
Oh, that’s her. She’s in so much pain.
LARRY: (IN HIGHPITCHED VOICE) Ah! Journey!
JEFF: The doctors need to know the specific ingredients.
LARRY: (OVER PHONE) Journey!
I’m– I’m– I’m– I’m sorry. Mr. McGunderman, is that your wife?
JEFF: That was Karen Gunderson. She’s all catawampus.
I’m sorry. All kind of what?
JEFF: Catawampus.
Wampus? What the heck is wampus, Mr. Gurney Manunderson?
LARRY: (EXCLAIMS)
AUNTIE RAE: Hang in there. Uh, Karen Gunderson, honey, me and your husband, Gurney Germerny, we gon’ get you better, baby. Now, listen here. It’s a tablespoon of vinegar.
One tablespoon vinegar.
And I use, yeah, three teaspoons of the olive oil.
Yeah.
AUNTIE RAE: And some clove garlic. And I use a half a teaspoon of Dijon mustard, a dollop…
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SUSIE: What is this?
(BOTH GASP)
Auntie Rae’s salad dressing.
LARRY: (MOCKINGLY) Auntie Rae’s salad dressing.
Aw, that is so thoughtful. How’d you get this?
Love finds a way.
LARRY: Oh, baby doll.
But, wait. There’s more.
LARRY: More? More?
JEFF: Oh, more.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Happy anniversary.
What is this?
LARRY: What? What What is this?
(GASPS) It’s a recipe.
Oh, the recipe!
SUSIE: It’s the recipe for the salad dressing.
LARRY: (BABBLES) You got the recipe.
SUSIE: Oh, my God.
How did you get the fucking recipe?
LARRY: It’s the recipe.
This is the best gift you’ve ever given. Better than any kind of poem or sonnet. You’re the best husband in the whole world.
LARRY: What about this young man from Chicago, huh?
Mmhmm. Oh, I love this.
(LEON CHUCKLES)
Look at this.
Oh. Hi, Leon.
LARRY: Oh, boy. Look who’s here.
LEON: You know what it is.
Yeah, what?
That motherfucking Seinfeld, man. I’ve been catching up on that shit. Binge watching that bullshit, man.
LARRY: Oh, yeah? What do you What do you think?
Man, this goddamn Kramer, man, he’s too much, man. Walk into your fucking house unannounced and shit.
LARRY: Yeah.
You might as well take off the fucking door and put a fucking saloon door on that bitch.
LARRY: (LAUGHS)
LEON: You know what I’m saying? This motherfucker just walking in when he want to.
(LAUGHS)
So what’s gonna happen today? Is it gonna be better than yesterday? ‘Cause yesterday was a disaster. I mean, a disaster.
LARRY: (EXHALES) Yeah. I think this judge really has it in for me.
He really does.
What’s it gonna be?
LARRY: I don’t know.
Anything you could do about it? What? What?
LARRY: I don’t know.
You know what you need? Sympathy.
LARRY: Oh, really?
Let me tell you a little story about Horsecock Williams. This motherfucker’s always in trouble. Always in fucking court. Know what he fucking does? He’ll come in the courtroom in a wheelchair. And he rolls in there slow and fucking shaking and shit. Everybody’s like, “Oh, my God. That poor man.” The judge is touched. The bailiff is touched. Sketch artist is fucking bawling so bad that the sketch is blurry. And that motherfucker wins every fucking time. This motherfucker wins. He is a sympathy snatcher.
LARRY: Wow.
LEON: Horsecock is fucking amazing. He had an idea about getting wheelchair hookers, put ’em out on the street and shit. You know what I mean?
LARRY: Have you ever had sex with a woman in a wheelchair? ‘Cause I have.
Have you ever tapped some ass on crutches? You ever crutch fuck? (LAUGHS) That’s like fucking an animal ’cause the crutches are an extra set of legs.
LARRY: (LAUGHS)
Shit. Break that ass off, huh?
(SUSIE GROANS)
LEON: Wheelchair hookers, there’s a market for every fucking thing.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: He always had great ideas and shit. Motherfucker’s innovative. Horsecock is fucking amazing.
Day two of the trial is underway and it’s up to the jury to decide what kind of man Larry David is.
We’re expecting even more witnesses from the prosecution.
SUPPORTERS: (CHANTING) Free Larry. Free Larry.
Jurors, I wanna remind you not to discuss this case with anyone until deliberations begin. You’ll have an opportunity to deliberate
(DOOR OPENS)
SUSIE: Get your fucking hands off me. I got it. I got it. I’m fine. I’m not helpless.
LARRY: (GASPS) Oh, my God. Look at this. She came, she came. Oh, you’re here.
CHERYL: What is going on?
LARRY: Honey. You came.
Yeah. I’m here.
LARRY: Look, look, look, look. Honey’s here.
(CHUCKLES)
LARRY: Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve carried you up the steps.
It’s fine. It’s fine.
LARRY: Oh. (KISSES) Oh, oh, oh. Such a brave girl. Oh, my God, what a surprise.
Who is that?
LARRY: Just go with it.
Are you through? May we continue?
LARRY: I’m sorry, Your Honor. My sweetheart just arrived. She got hit by a bus a few months ago and she was lying on the ground, I rushed over. I gave her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And I carried her to my car. Not that easy. Took her to the hospital, we fell in love and I moved to Pacoima to be with her. And look at her, the poor thing. I saved her life. Tell– Tell him I saved–
You just told him.
(HESITATES)
Yeah, we’re in love.
LARRY: Yeah.
He’s great. He’s a… He’s a wonderful man.
LARRY: And the… the animals…
Oh, oh! Oh.
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
He works in an animal shelter.
LARRY: The animal shelter. Yeah, yeah. And the kids…
And, uh– Oh, the disable– He works with disabled kids.
LARRY: Disabled kids.
Oh, he walks in, “Larry’s here!” They’d all jump up if they could jump.
All right, enough. Uh, please. Uh, prosecution, you got any more witnesses to call?
Yes. We would like to call, uh, witness Rachel Heineman, please.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
EARL: Could you please state your name for the record?
Rachel Raheli Shuli Hamda Sarala Heineman.
And how do you know the defendant?
I was unfortunate enough to be on a ski lift with the accused. And for some reason, Hashem decided to stop the ski lift as shkiyat hachamah, that’s sundown, was approaching, and as a woman, I’m not allowed to be with a man after sundown.
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
RACHEL: So I informed him…
Somebody’s gonna have to jump.
To which he said…
LARRY: What, are you fucking nuts?
RACHEL: And so I was forced…
(SCREAMS)
…to jump 45 feet.
(BODY THUDS)
I broke both my knees, my ankles. I put together a little diagram. I’m still traumatized.
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
(WHISPERS) Yeah.
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Larry David pissed on a portrait of Jesus Christ in my home.
(ALL GASP, MURMUR)
What?
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
MAUREEN: He tinkled on it. He sprayed Jesus.
LARRY: Oh!
MAUREEN: And not just a little.
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
He came to our restaurant. He screamed.
(IMITATES JAPANESE)
(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)
(IMITATES JAPANESE)
(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)
(IMITATES JAPANESE)
(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)
(IMITATES JAPANESE)
(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)
(IMITATES JAPANESE)
(SHOUTS IN JAPANESE)
Larry David is a sad senior with long balls and mental issues.
You’ve seen the big piles of shoes in a Holocaust museum. What kind of monster takes some of those shoes out of there and wears them?
(JURORS GASP)
IRMA KOSTROSKI: Who can do that?
What kind of guy is Larry David? He’s the kind of man who carelessly, maybe even maliciously, had me drink from his glass and gave me COVID.
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
LARRY: (SCOFFS) He gave me COVID. Bullshit.
Ruining the biggest night of my and some of my fans’ lives. And he doesn’t give a damn. And I still can’t smell a fucking thing.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
EARL: State would like to call– Tara Michaelson.
(WHISPERS) Who’s that?
LARRY: (WHISPERS) I don’t know.
EARL: Ms. Michaelson, how many years of therapy have you had?
I started therapy when I was about nine. So, um, 21 years.
And is there one particular incident?
When I was about eight years old, I went with my parents to a movie premiere. And right before the movie started, I went by myself to the women’s restroom. And I found Larry standing there.
LARRY: Hello.
Thank you for fixing Judy’s hair.
LARRY: Oh, you’re welcome.
TARA MICHAELSON: He gave me a hug.
Mommy! Mommy! That bald man’s in the bathroom and there’s something hard in his pants.
(ALL GASP)
EARL: Thank you, Ms. Michaelson. I believe the prosecution rests, Your Honor.
The defense will now call their first witness, please.
Yes, Your Honor, I’d like to call Rae Black.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON: That’s my auntie right there. She carries candy in her bra. If we’re all lucky, we’re gonna get some of that tittytaffy.
I’m so glad she’s here. So far, it’s been a disaster.
(SCOFFS) It was supposed to be so easy. Now, it’s all gone catawampus.
(SIGHS)
What was that?
Ah!
CHERYL: What is happening?
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SIBBY: Mrs. Black, Larry David gave you water on that hot day. But it’s not the first time he took care of you. He took you and your family in after Hurricane Katrina.
Well, his wife did.
But you did live with him for quite some time.
It’s true. Long enough for him to use the N-word around me.
(ALL GASP, MURMUR)
He did that shit.
What?
And long enough for him to hug me and have a hardon, an erection that he was rubbing all up against me.
We don’t need to talk about that.
AUNTIE RAE: And the last time I saw him, he was carting around a Black lawn jockey.
Move to strike, Your Honor.
No, no, no. That’s her witness, Your Honor.
Denied. It’s your witness, you’re stuck with the answers she give.
Why is she doing this to you, Larr?
And another thing.
No, no, no. No further questions.
JUDGE: Thank you, Ms. Sanders.
What the hell?
You sons of bitches. It was you! I know it was you, Bernie Bonderman, and you, Karen Bonderman, trying to steal my recipe.
(ALL GASP)
AUNTIE RAE: How could you?
You stole that recipe, Jeff?
(HESITATES) No.
You stole the recipe?
No, I didn’t–
Fuck you, Larry David.
(GAVEL BANGS)
Ms. Black
And fuck your monkey ass-friend…
JUDGE: Miss–
…Bashiba Munderman.
Ms. Black, I will have order in this court.
You know what, fuck it!
You lying piece of shit, Jeff.
(ALL GASP)
That is the lowest form of anything I’ve ever heard. Stealing a fucking anniversary gift.
(GROANS)
Take that recipe, Jeff, and shove it up your fat fucking ass.
(JEFF GROANS)
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
LARRY: Oh, my God. She’s walking. She’s walking! It’s a miracle. It’s a Look, it’s just a miracle. How did she do it? I can’t even believe it. Walking.
Order.
LARRY: She’s walking. Oh. Oh.
JUDGE: Mr. David. Mr. David.
LARRY: Oh. She’s walking.
JUDGE: That’s enough, Mr. David.
(WHIMPERS)
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JUDGE: Pick this up tomorrow. This day is over.
(GAVEL BANGS)
MIKA: (OVER TV) Massive protests outside the Atlanta courthouse today, including multiple Emmy-winning actor Ted Danson.
Stop voter suppression!
These are a little tight.
(SUPPORTERS CHEERING)
There you go. Freedom to vote.
Maybe Ted Danson gives a damn about democracy…
Yeah.
…that’s why people love him. That’s why people respect him. Mika…
I know.
That’s why the guy’s my hero.
Yeah. He’s an amazing actor.
Oh, I love you, guys.
No, no, don’t, don’t touch the hair.
What if Ted Danson had given that woman in the line water, instead of Larry David? I think everything would be different, right?
(SCOFFS)
Larr!
WILLIE GEIST: (ON TV) Yeah. Likability, certainly…
LARRY: Hey, you made it. Oh!
Look at you. Oh, my God.
LARRY: Hey.
Oh, my God. It’s a bottle of water. I mean, it’s not your fault.
LARRY: Exactly. I didn’t do anything.
Pure, decent human being is all you’re trying to be.
LARRY: Let that be a lesson to me.
JERRY SEINFELD: Right. So, how are you getting through this? You’re sitting in court all day?
LARRY: Yeah.
Well, what do you think about?
LARRY: Let me give you a hypothetical.
Okay.
LARRY: Suppose you’re friends with someone who’s in the circus.
Sure.
LARRY: He knows the bearded lady very well.
Okay.
LARRY: And you go to the performance at the Garden, he says, “Hey, the bearded lady’s having a little shindig, why don’t you join us?”
A little get-together.
LARRY: You go to the bearded lady’s apartment.
It’s a normal apartment.
Nothing freakish.
LARRY: No, nothing freakish at all.
JERRY: Yeah.
LARRY: You wouldn’t know you were in a freak’s apartment.
JERRY: No.
Okay.
LARRY: Now, you see this picture. This gorgeous woman.
Yeah.
LARRY: And your friend says to you, “That’s the bearded lady.” She has no beard.
Cleanshaven bearded lady.
LARRY: She’s quitting the circus. She’s got a big crush on you.
Really?
LARRY: She’d love to go out with you. She’s gonna start shaving.
JERRY: Really? But at the party when we’re there…
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) At the party.
…she’s got the beard on.
LARRY: She’s got the beard on.
Rabbinical?
LARRY: Very rabbinical. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
LARRY: Yeah. Any interest?
She’s sexy.
LARRY: Everything.
Charming.
LARRY: Got it all.
Wow.
LARRY: The kind of woman you used to dream about…
JERRY: Yeah.
LARRY: …when you were a teenager.
JERRY: Yeah. Fly in the ointment, though.
LARRY: (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And this is a big fly, and he’s alive.
LARRY: What’s the worst that could happen?
The worst that could happen is it’s a paper napkin…
(LARRY LAUGHS)
…and she wipes her mouth, and, uh, there’s some part of it snags. Is there a Fred Flintstone kind of line?
LARRY: No, there’s no line.
JERRY: No line?
LARRY: No, there’s no line. She gets a good shave.
Electric or blade?
LARRY: Blade. She shaves every day.
But at the end of the day, she’s five o’clock shadow lady.
LARRY: She’ll shave twice a day for you.
What if I happen to be home at 4:30? Guess who’s on the ledge.
(BOTH LAUGH)
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Today, Larry David will take the stand, and he will get a chance to explain his motivations on election day.
And defend himself from the accusations hurled at him by yesterday’s witnesses.
Larry David… (SPEAKS SPANISH)
Mr. David has got his work cut out for him, the picture that’s been painted by the prosecution so far is that of a petty, conniving, and, frankly, spiteful man.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SIBBY: And how hot was it that day?
LARRY: It was a scorcher.
Mm.
LARRY: Even I was sweating, and let me tell you something, I don’t sweat, it’s the craziest thing. Like I could be playing basketball in the summer, I won’t sweat. You know, occasionally for some reason, I’ll sweat during intercourse sometimes, which is odd. You know, all of a sudden, “Oh, I’m sweating!” You know?
He needs to stop talking.
And how long was the line to vote?
LARRY: It was really long. All those people having to wait in the hot sun. No trees.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: No grass.
And was there any shade?
LARRY: (IMITATES SOBBING) No shade.
I know I speak for Ms. Black and all of us when I say thank you for your actions.
LARRY: Oh, God bless you. And may God bless us all.
Yes. Yes.
JUDGE: Thank you, Ms. Sanders. Prosecution, you got a cross?
EARL: Yes, Your Honor.
Proceed.
Let’s talk about laws, Mr. David. Do you ever remember taking anything that didn’t belong to you? You ever remember stealing anything?
LARRY: No. No.
EARL: No?
You don’t remember taking flowers…
LARRY: No.
…from a dead woman’s…
LARRY: No.
…memorial?
♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, that? Well…
Do you remember taking a golf club out of a coffin?
LARRY: (SCOFFS) It was my 5wood.
EARL: You pried the club out of a dead man’s hand?
LARRY: Okay. So you know when you get attached to a club, you don’t wanna give it up even if it’s in a coffin? Well, that was that 5wood for me.
Did you ever bribe a city councilman?
Do you remember breaking in to the house of the head of the city council in order to take a letter from Mr. Vindman that incriminated you?
(CROWD GASPS, MURMURS)
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David undermines our free and fair elections. He is exactly who the Election Integrity Act was built to protect us from.
Objection, Your Honor.
Overruled.
LARRY: Really?
Yeah.
Let’s go back to the year 2000, if we could, please. Larry David, this is from the Los Angeles Times. It’s an obituary written by you. Could you read it to the jury please, sir?
“Devoted sister, beloved cunt.”
(SOBS)
CHERYL’S FATHER: Huh?
LARRY: It’s a typo. Don’t you see? It’s a typo.
LARRY: The fact is… (CHUCKLES) …I’ve heard that she actually was a bit of a cunt.
(ALL GASP)
LARRY: But that’s still no excuse to put that in a newspaper.
I have no further questions.
JUDGE: Thank you, Counselor.
I’ve talked to Larry about Seinfeld and shit.
Mmhmm.
(CHUCKLES) So… my question is, where the fuck are the tapes at?
Tapes?
Larr– The tapes. Larry won’t give that shit up. The tapes.
What tapes?
The fuck tapes. You know what the fuck I’m talking about.
No, I don’t.
Every week, you getting new ass, right? Every fucking show…
Mmhmm.
…you meet some new chick.
Well.
And I know you fucking.
You probably fucking people.
Mmhmm.
I did. I did. I had ’em all.
Of course, man.
Yeah.
Come on.
And it’s all on tape. I don’t know how you knew.
I figured that shit out, that’s why.
Yeah. Yeah. But they’re on laser disc.
Oh!
Do you have a player?
Fuck me, man.
Yeah, sorry.
No way to convert that shit to something else?
Yeah. No. That’s a shame. It’s 13 unbelievable hours.
What a fucking waste, man.
Yeah. I might sell it to Netflix.
SIBBY: But it doesn’t change the fact that this law is unconstitutional. Yes, Larry David did a lot of things wrong. But this time, he did something right.
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
SIBBY: And now, you have the opportunity to do something right too. Thank you.
Look at her.
SUSIE: Terrific.
Thank you, Counselor. Mr. Mack.
EARL: Yes, Your Honor.
(WHISPERS) Wow. That was great.
I know some of you may not like this law. But he broke it. And this is an incredible opportunity to put away somebody before they hurt other good people. We are just scratching the surface of the depths that this monster will go to. There’s a police report that exists stating that Larry David would not give candy to children on Halloween.
BOTH: Trick or treat.
LARRY: I don’t I don’t think so.
God, asshole! Fuck you.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.
He broke into a graveyard to move his mother’s body.
This is nice.
LARRY: Oh, yeah?
EARL: He brought a sex offender to a Passover seder. He ate a dying dog’s last meal.
LARRY: Oh, that is really good.
EARL: And he fornicated…
(LARRY GROANS)
…with a blowup doll in broad daylight.
Oh, my God.
I made you a pillow sham.
EARL: He taught a child how to make a swastika.
What the…
GREG: What was his name again, Larry?
LARRY: Hitler? Get in the car.
EARL: He hired a prostitute so that he could drive in the carpool lane.
LARRY: I had sex with my uncle.
And he pretended to be an incest survivor… named Todd. This man was asked to go to a dinner and just be cordial and he couldn’t even do that, folks. He couldn’t even be cordial. Good people, you have one decision to make. I trust you’ll make the right one.
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Mack. Jury will now begin their deliberations.
BAILIFF: All rise.
(GAVEL BANGS)
Court is adjourned.
LARRY: How you feeling?
Confident.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, my word. Sorry, man.
Hey, how you doing?
Can I have two seconds of your time, please?
I can’t. I’m having dinner with my friends.
My name’s Michael Fouchay. I’m actually a legitimate businessman. I run Fouchay Enterprises.
All right.
You might have heard of us. We own several businesses.
I have not, but I like the accent.
South African?
Yes.
Yeah, I like that accent.
I’m amazed you recognize it.
Yeah, I do.
MICHAEL FOUCHAY: Thank you.
I mean, I think accents in general are moronic.
MICHAEL: Right.
Why don’t you talk the way we talk? You’re here. You can hear it.
Listen, my brother’s having a birthday. He’s turning 40. I’ve got a lovely house.
No one ever turned 40 before. Yeah, go ahead.
You come, you smile, take a few photos, shake a few hands, just be cordial.
Yeah. Can’t do it.
MICHAEL: Why not?
Can’t be cordial.
(SCOFFS) Um… Uh…
Uh, excuse me. No, I’m sorry.
Oh. Excuse me. Pardon me.
No, go ahead. No, I’m so sorry.
So sorry. No, you go.
No, go ahead. Hey, you know, you look a lot like Joe Pesci. Anybody ever tell you that?
Really?
Yeah.
You think I’m fucking funny? You think I’m a clown?
JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Am I here to make you fucking laugh?
Yeah, that’s what he says in the…
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DAN ABRAMS: The jury has reached a verdict in the trial of the people of the state of Georgia versus Larry David.
It’s not about what this man has done or the poor decisions he’s made in the past, it is about this heinous and needlessly cruel law.
(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: Huh? You’re here?
Hey, LD.
Don’t worry. I broke up with Cynthia.
LARRY: Oh, jeez. Really? That’s too bad.
Yeah, well, I’m a little worried. She bought a gun.
LARRY: She’s gonna kill herself?
No. You.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) That’s funny.
It’s not a joke.
Hey, man. I binged all those Seinfeld episodes.
LARRY: Oh, yeah?
All I got left is the fucking finale.
LARRY: Wow.
Although, I heard some terrible things about it. I heard you fucked it up.
BAILIFF: All rise.
Good luck today, man.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: I don’t understand, why does the judge have to peek at it?
Yeah, and I gotta see it, and then ma then you go back.
LARRY: This makes no sense.
Yeah. They can’t make two copies?
On the charge of violating the Election Integrity Act, how do you find the defendant?
We find the defendant guilty.
What?
Oh, come on.
This is a travesty of justice.
Come on.
(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
Oh, my God.
Mr. David, seems you have a history of doing the same things wrong over and over. And I truly hope this time you finally learned your lesson. And to make sure of that, I’m gonna sentence you to the maximum the law allows. One year in prison.
(CROWD GASPS)
LARRY: What? Come on. Seriously?
LEON: Larry, look. When you get there, get a job at the library.
No, I think the infirmary.
JERRY: Maybe something in reception. “Hello, jail. Can I help you?”
JUDGE: Bailiff.
(GAVEL BANGS)
Take Mr. David into custody.
Hey, Larry. Don’t worry. I’m gonna take real, real good care of that house of ours.
LARRY: Oh, my God.
Bye, Larr.
LARRY: Hey, let me ask you something. What do you do about, you know, toothpaste and shaving cream and Qtips? Is– Is there a store or is it like a hotel where they just leave it out for you? And can I bring my own toilet paper? Oh, and my phone charger. Leon, Leon, I need my phone charger.
You don’t got a charger.
LARRY: I loaned it to you.
I gave it back.
LARRY: Bullshit! That’s my charger!
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I should probably go do some interviews.
(SIGHS) Where should we eat?
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
LARRY: Hey. Look at this.
That happens to me too. What do you call that?
LARRY: It’s a pants tent.
Pants tent.
LARRY: Yeah. I got a five-inch bunch up here.
INMATE: You know something, I stopped wearing corduroys because of that.
LARRY: Yeah, I’m wearing corduroys now. Yeah, and women, they don’t know what a pants tent is. They It could lead to misunderstandings. They get confused.
(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
GUARD: Hey. Somebody’s here to see you.
All right, Chuckles. Let’s get you out of here.
LARRY: What? Wait.
JERRY: Yeah.
LARRY: What are you What are you What are you talking about?
It’s over.
LARRY: It’s over?
You’re a free man.
LARRY: I’m a free man?
That’s right.
LARRY: How am I a free man?
I’ll tell you how. You know that Mexican restaurant near the hotel? I go there to get something to eat. I don’t even like Mexican food.
LARRY: That’s okay. I won’t tell anybody.
What do I care?
LARRY: Well, some people care.
Really?
LARRY: Yeah.
Anyway, there’s this guy there, looks like Joe Pesci. So I go up to him, talking to him. I go you really look like Pesci from Goodfellas.
LARRY: Yeah.
He goes, “Oh, what am I, a clown for you?” I go, “Ah, that’s a Pesci line.”
LARRY: Yeah, yeah.
You know? He doesn’t like that too much.
LARRY: Uhhuh.
Anyway, today in the courtroom, I look in the jury box. That’s that guy. Same guy. The hair, Pesci.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah, that’s the guy in the jury. The juror. I know that guy.
JERRY: Yeah.
LARRY: The big pompadour. Yeah, yeah.
JERRY: With the hair. Yeah, yeah.
He’s not supposed to be in a Mexican restaurant because he’s under sequester.
LARRY: He broke his sequester?
Broke his sequester.
LARRY: He’s supposed to sequester.
He’s supposed to sequester.
LARRY: He’s a bad sequesterer.
You can’t not sequester when you’re supposed to sequester, right?
LARRY: You should be sequestering.
Yeah. I tell the judge, judge calls the restaurant, they look at the security footage. Mistrial declared. Sentence thrown out. You’re done. How about that, sport fans?
LARRY: Uh I Well, you know… (HESITATES) Come on.
Ah!
LARRY: I mean, crazy.
You don’t wanna end up like this. Nobody wants to see it. Trust me.
LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Wow.
Breathe the free air, young man.
LARRY: Yes. (INHALES DEEPLY)
♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, my God. This is how we should’ve ended the finale.
Oh, my God, you’re right. How did we not think of that?
(BOTH GROAN)
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached our cruising…
CHERYL: Wow.
TED: Yeah.
Try that one.
You know what?
Yeah.
Handcuffs look tight on that one.
They do. Did they hurt?
Uhuh.
No?
Montgomery Clift.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
Whoo! Hey.
LARRY: Hey, what is that?
I need it for the light. I need it to read.
LARRY: The what? I’m– I’m trying to read. I can’t see. You’re blinding me.
Well, I need it to read. I need–
LARRY: Why don’t you use the overhead light?
Just let her keep the shade up.
I’m trying to watch a movie, all I see is glare. It’s like I’m watching a fucking radio right now.
My retinas are burning.
This is bullshit. This is bullshit.
(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
Cheryl and I want it open.
LARRY: It’s a community shade. She doesn’t own that shade.
Go fuck yourself, Larr.
LARRY: We’ll take a vote.
Go back to fucking jail, Larry.
LARRY: Oh, nice. That’s nice.
I vote with them.
I vote with them.
It’s not your window.
(OVERLAPPING CLAMOR)
♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
