BRIAN REGAN: STANDING UP (2007) – Full Transcript

2018-01-30T22:55:00-08:00 January 29th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Brian Regan: Standing Up (2007)

[Rock] [crowd cheering] [man] let’s give a big, warm welcome to Mr. Brian Regan! [Crowd roars] all right. Thank you! Thank you. Thanks. [Cheering] thank you very much. Appreciate that. [Laughs] [cheering continues] all right. [Whistling] thank you very much. Wow. Man, oh, man. That is very, very nice. Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you all being here.

So, I was driving today, and I came upon a truck… Pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back– “caution: transporting show horses.” Ohh. “Oh, 10:00 and 2:00! “We’re sharin’ the road with show horses. “If I start to lose control, I’ll hit one of these cars with people! “Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!” What are you supposed to do in a spin-out? Don’t hit the show horses! Anything but the show horses! Can you imagine hitting– [gibberish] then I came up on another truck pulling a trailer with a sign on the back, “don’t worry, just dumb old donkeys.” I was crossing over the line. Boom, boom. Boom. Hee-haw! Boom. Who cares? Just dumb old donkeys. They refuse to apply themselves. [Brays] heck with them. Those dumb old donkeys. [Chuckles] I lived in California for awhile, and to get my California driver’s license– this is true. I was reading in the California driver’s handbook. It says, “to receive your California driver’s license, “you will be required to give a thumbprint… Or another fingerprint if you have no thumbs.” Is this a common enough occurrence… Everyone needs to know this contingency plan? Shouldn’t that be just for one guy at the d.m.v. To know about? “I’m gonna need a thumbprint.” “I don’t have any thumbs.” “Charlie! Charlie!” [Gibberish] only charlie needs to know what’s gonna happen, not every single person in the entire state of California. Why is that in that book? [Chuckles] speaking of, uh, fingers and driving– it’s not what you think. I was driving the other day, and there’s a guy in the lane next to me. He’s in a convertible, and he’s talkin’ on his cell phone. Blah, blah, la, la, la, la. “I think I’m more important than I really am. [Gibberish] and here’s why–” [gibberish] he was yammering uselessly. So I had to watch what I was doin’ and what he’s doin’. And this guy had construction in his lane, so he needed to merge into my lane. He didn’t even know this, because he’s into his call. I knew he needed to merge. I gave him some room. I swear. Here’s how he thanked me. He’s lookin’ down. He’s talkin’. He looks up, sees the construction, sees that I’m givin’ him room, and he goes– could less effort possibly be put into thanking a fellow human being? “Oh, man. Here I was, all self-absorbed, “and you were nice enough to look out for my safety. I don’t know how to thank you other than–” “and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. “I mean that profoundly. “Thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my soul.” This is what he does.

I, um, I saw something very interesting today. I’m not making this up. I saw a van for some company. I don’t even know what the business was. It had two things printed on the side– “we speak English” and “we delivery.” Ah. Ah, is that right? Can you imagine being bilingual? Would that be– heh. Or even knowing anybody that was? [Laughs] I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I-I know– I know enough English to, like, you know, get by, you know. No, like, like, I can order in restaurants and stuff, you know. “I want ham! “One ham, please, to eating the ham. Bring ham to eating the ham, please.” I can do that. You know, just not fluent, I guess.
I got a buddy who, uh, thinks he speaks Italian. It’s very strange. Very strange. He’s Italian-American. Never been to Italy. Never. All my friend can say in Italian are pasta dish names. He doesn’t even know any verbs, but he still tries to pull it off. [With Italian accent] “oh, my mom, she makes-a great-a manicotti.” “I’m sorry. What?” “My mom. She makes manicotti. She makes it al dente with-a ricotta cheese.” “Are you okay? ‘Cause– you sound like you’re really weird.” [Chuckles] I have an Irish heritage. I don’t do that. Oh, my mom, she makes a great [high-pitched voice] corn beef and cabbage! [In high-pitched voice] it’s magically delicious! Then I riverdance my way home, you know?

So my flight comin’ here was delayed by a half hour. Backed away from the gate on time. Just sat there for a half hour. Nothin’ you can do. Ever wanna knock on the door up there? [Imitates knocking] “um, “why don’t we all head where we’re goin’? That’s what we’re all talkin’ about back here.” But you don’t do that. You just sit there like a goober. After a half hour, the captain finally gets on. [Groans] “ohh, folks– lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here.” Oh, I hope it’s good! Has that ever followed with anything even remotely good? “Lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here. “Uh, we found a big bag of money onboard, “and, uh, the tower has instructed us to divvy it amongst all you passengers. “We apologize for the delay. “The problem is, each individual stack is getting so high, they keep toppling over. “And, uh, the rubber bands we’ve been using keep snapping on the size of these bundles. Apologies from the flight–” [gibberish] it’s never that. It’s never that. It’s always, “uh, somebody put our engine in upside-down. “And, uh, there’s only one tool in our galaxy that can fix this. “And, uh, it’s in Madagascar. “The tower has instructed us to go to a holding area… And remain there until everyone on board dies a natural death.” So you go there and die.
They always listen to the tower. They never question the authority of the tower. “Well, the tower’s tellin’ us to hold.” Well, so-so what about that? Just once, I wanna hear, “the tower’s tellin’ us to hold, but, uh, “you might notice I’m rumblin’ along the grass. “If you look out the right, you’ll see all those aircraft lined up on the runway. Uh, the tower keeps tellin’ us we’re number 19 for takeoff. I say we’re number one.” How would you like that? [Chuckles] right? What’s the tower gonna do? “Hey, you! You can’t exhibit that type of behavior!” “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” [Laughs] “no, I should’ve listened better. If you need me, I’ll be up in the clouds.” I’m not sure what this was. Okay. [Chuckles] okay. I’m not sure what I’m dodging as I’m– okay. Wow. “He must bepilot to know that move.”

So I had, uh– I had to go through security, obviously, and they have the x-ray area. I don’t mind goin’ through it, but I get tired of the businessmen… Who make way too big a deal out of their computers. You ever hear of these people? “Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don’t know how you’re gonna handle this– my computer.” “Oh, is he from the future?” They’ve been around awhile, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine. I wanna do that with an etch a sketch, you know? Just do it, see what happens. Excuse me, my laptop. What’s that? Need to see it work? Okay. Wanna see the screen change? That’s a staircase.

So the airline lost my bag, temporarily. Had to go into that baggage claim office. Boy, that must be a wonderful place to work. Every single person that comes in, you have to go, “uh, lemme guess. You’re angry? “Angry people here, livid people here. “Stay organized. Angry, livid, those who wanna ring my neck. Let’s stay organized.” So I know it’s gotta be hard for them, you know? So– y– I’m tryin’ not to be too upset. But it’s hard not to be. They lost your bag. But you gotta squelch it, or else they won’t do anything for you. You gotta go in, “hey, how ya doin’? “Uh– “yeah. Oh, uh, my bag? “Yeah, I gave it to you guys a few hours ago and– “and it ain’t spinnin’ around on that thing. So I was wonderin’ what kind of hell on earth I should prepare for.” “Well, hopefully it’ll be on the next flight. “If not, it’ll come in on tomorrow morning’s flight. We’ll deliver it to your hotel. In the meantime, you don’t need to worry. Have this for ya.” He reaches under the counter, hands me a little bag this big with a zipper on the top. And it says, “essentials kit.” “Oh, these are the essentials. “Then I over pack. “I thought I needed all that stuff I meticulously put in my suitcase. I stand corrected.” They have the gall– if that was really an essentials kit, if you had one, you’d never need to go to work again. “Whatever happened to harry?” “Oh, he don’t need us. “He happened upon an essentials kit. He opened it up. It was filled with food, shelter and love!”

So I’m goin’ to a party, and I had to go to a greeting card store to get a birthday card. These places are way too subdivided now. They don’t have just a simple birthday section. They have, like, “happy birthday for age four from the both of us.” What the hell? [Chuckles] “I’m lookin’ for a religious, humorous, happy birthday… For age seven twins from the a.f.c. West.” They have a whole section called “blank inside.” What in the hell is a blank inside card? So I’ve been sending ’em out. “Sorry you’re feeling so blank inside. I feel like that myself sometimes.” What kind of scam– the guy who’s sellin’ blank inside cards must wake up laughin’. “What do you do again?” [Laughs] “I sell blank inside cards. “A picture of a tree, nothin’ on the inside. “No little limerick, nothin’! They’re buyin’ a crease!” They have another whole section called “encouragement.” I like to send those to people who are not about to do anything. Just keep sending ’em follow-ups and confusing ’em. “You can do it!” “I can do what? I keep getting these!” “I know it’s in you.” “What? What is in me? What can I do?” Maybe you should go do something, instead of reading cards all the time. You know what’s fun? You pick somebody at random, like, out of the phone book… And send ’em about a hundred “just because” cards. They can’t even ask you why you did it. They have a section called “new baby.” I don’t think you need the word “new.” You’d have to clear up confusion. “Do you have an old baby section? “‘Cause, uh, well, “my friend had a baby, “and I let time get away from me. “And he’s 12. “Is there an area of your establishment– are you the proprietor?” They’d be askin’ that sort of thing. They have “birthday.” Then they have “birthday, humorous.” [Laughs] that kicks it up a notch. They have “sympathy.” No “sympathy, humorous.” I’ve yet to see where they’ve tried to– I guess that’s good. You wouldn’t want to get one of those. “Sorry about your uncle Fred, but, hey, sometimes you end up dead. “Did somebody blonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead?” “What the– are they trying to be humorous?” “Bet you’re glad it wasn’t you instead.”

[Shrieks] so, my wife and I have two beautiful kids, uh– the other day I was watching sports on TV. And my daughter— she just turned three– she got next to me on the couch and got as close as she could. You love those moments as a dad. You know, it’s like, whoa. This is true. And she put her thumb in her mouth, and she looked up and me and she said, “put on something appropriate for me.” She’s smart. She knows what she’s supposed to see. I watch Dora the Explorer with her, you know, ’cause she likes it. So I watch it with her, you know. It’s a good show. I’d probably watch that if I didn’t have kids. Dora the Explorer. First of all, did the producers think that rhymes? Dora the Explorer maybe that rhymes in the Kennedy household. “Put on Dora the ‘explorah.'” Yeah. Other than– other than that one isolated compound, I’m not sure how that works. There’s a song in Dora the Explorer that amazes me. And I wish I had been at the pitch meeting where it was approved. “So did you get a chance to work on a song?” “Oh, uh– “yeah. Yeah. Well, I know– remember now that you want– yeah, of course. Yeah, we’re working on it. Yeah.” “Why don’t you go ahead and sing it for us then?” “Oh, okay, well– “you-you want that now? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Um–” [clears throat] I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map   I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map! [Indistinct] “and which character would be singing this?”

You’re supposed to read to your kids– even when they’re babies. So I’ve always done that. I don’t know who’s writing books for babies, but I want a piece of that financial pie. I put my daughter on my lap with this big cardboard book. “The clock. The big clock.” Hey. “Ticktock. The end.” “Twelve bucks.” And there’s a synopsis on the back that is longer than the actual book, and I’m not exaggerating. “Sit down with your children, and you will delight… “As you read about the adventures of the ticking clock. “Sometimes it goes, ‘tick,’ and sometimes it goes, ‘tock,’ “which just goes to show you, you never can be too sure in life, ’cause sometimes things are one way, but they are about to change.” Are you talking about this book? You can’t possibly be talking about this book. I must have missed the subtext. I read all these kids’ books, you know. Let me ask you something. Does the owl go, “who,” or does it go, “hoot”? Half the books say one. Half the books say the other. Let me tell you something. Owls don’t go, “hoot.” Okay? Has anyone ever heard an owl go, “hoo-t”? Hoot! Never in the history of the animal kingdom… Has an owl enunciated like that. Ever. Toss those books in the trash can. They didn’t do their research. Who’s deciding how they go, you know? “The horse goes, ‘neigh.'” When? When? When does a horse do that? “You wanna give me a ride?” “Neigh.” Everybody knows horses don’t go, “neigh.” They go, “wilbur.” Common knowledge, I believe. They’re all over the place with dogs. “The dog says, ‘bark.'” “The dog says, ‘ruff.'” “The dog says, ‘woof.'” “The dog says, ‘bow-wow.'” That’s the one that intrigues me. Who the hell ever heard a dog… And could have possibly interpreted it that way? [Imitates dog barking] “did you just hear a bow-wow?” “I distinctly heard a bow-wow.” [Imitates dog barking] “there it is again. Bow-wow. You’re not hearing that? You’re not hearing a bow-wow?” [Barks] bow. Wow. “You’re not hearing any of that?” Mm-mmm. I’m not hearing that. Not that, I don’t think.

You do stuff with your kids you probably wouldn’t do otherwise. Like take them to butterfly pavilions. We took our kids to this big mesh-covered place filled with butterflies, you know? As we’re walking in, this worker goes, “I’ll be happy to answer all your butterfly questions today.” [Laughing] “okay. All of them?” Where do you begin when you get that kind of green light? So this guy’s following us around, and it’s falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly questions. I’m just, like– [groans] “um– “this– “what I wanna– [mouthing words] “does this one like to eat? “He does? Okay. “Care to expound on that at all? No? Okay.” I was thinking, could there be a less-stressful job… Than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, you know, what could possibly go awry, you know? “So how was work, dear?” “Don’t even get me started. “I’ve had it up to here with those butterflies. “I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. “And this purple one fluttering around and around. “Like I don’t know what he’s up to! I can’t take the politics!”

We were out in the park. We saw another family. They had, like, a five-year-old boy holding a helium balloon, and he accidentally let go of his balloon. The boy started crying, and his parents were, like, “why are you crying? It’s a balloon. We’ll get you another one.” I’m, like, “jeepers creepers, folks.” Sometimes I don’t think adults try hard enough, you know, to understand what kids are going through. If you wanted to relate to what it’s going through, imagine if you took your wallet out… And it just started floating away. “No!” “Why are you acting like that? It’s a wallet. We’ll get you another one.” “I want that one!” That’s what your boy is going through.

We have a little boy. We had a monitor in his room the other night, and, uh– I don’t really push what I do on my kids. I figure they’ll find out when they want to find out. I was sitting with my wife watching TV, and it was at night. We thought he was sleeping, and all of a sudden I heard, through the monitor, “daddy, I have a joke for your career.” Wow. I got, like, goose bumps, man. I’m, like, “wow.” So I gotta go up there, man. I ran upstairs. [Laughs] this is true. And I sit on the bed. I’m, like, “man. Wow. You got a joke for my-my act buddy?” And he goes, “yeah. I just thought of it.” And I was, like, “whoa.” I wanted to cry I was, like, so touched, you know? I was, like, “really? Wow. What’s the joke, buddy?” And he goes, “how come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “I don’t know. How come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “Because they’re all dead.” [Chuckles] yeah. That’s my boy’s joke, man. I laughed for about an hour straight, man. Anyway– he’s smarter than me.

I’m trying to get smart. I’ve been watching Nova. Have you seen that show? They had a thing a couple of weeks ago about string theory. I started watching that at 8:00 p.m., And at 8:03 my brain exploded. They said string theory is the stuff… That the physicists are now figuring out… That Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in his theories. So I’m thinking, “well, if Albert Einstein didn’t understand it, me on a couch with a bag of potato chips don’t have a shot.” “Oh, I see what they’re talking about. “Yeah, you gotta incorporate gravity. I always wondered why he didn’t do that.” I’m sitting there working on my string cheese theory. You know, they always say Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? “You won’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.” I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly… By using his name in vain in parking lots. That’s the only time he ever comes up.

I watch too much TV. I like watching the Antiques Roadshow. It’s one of my favorite shows. People bring in their old stuff to get it appraised. My favorite part of that whole show… Is the people in the background, you know? If aliens ever wanted to see what we’re all about, they should just bring that tape back to their planet. “Let me show you what we’re dealing with here. “Yeah, we can do whatever we want down there. Yeah, they rule the whole planet.” “They rule the whole”– “yes. They rule the whole planet.” “Let’s go shine lights in their eyes.” I’d like to get on that show– go stand in line for, like, three hours with an old, rusty spatula. Just finally get up there. Hand it to the guy. “Is there some type of story associated with this?” “Uh– “well, it was in the kitchen drawer, “and I couldn’t open it ’cause the spatula was stickin’ up. So I thought maybe it was from Babylon.” “Do you see how this says ‘Kmart’? Would you be surprised if I told you this was absolutely worthless?” “Nah. When is this gonna air?” [Imitates beeping] “absolutely worthless.” [Imitates beeping]

I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently– this is true. NBC sports, on their golf telecast– they got caught putting in bird noises for ambience. Birds aren’t even there. And a bird lover called ’em on it, because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous… To where the tournament was being held. Wow. Can you imagine being the guy who had to field that phone call? “Uh, yeah, sports department.” “Uh, yeah, hi. Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?” [Whistling] “no, that don’t. Um– I-I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” “Yeah. Yeah, apparently you don’t. “Yeah, I guess I’m supposed to believe the blue-breasted ‘whipoorwillow’… “Has decided to alter its annual migratory route… To enjoy a little golf.” [Laughing] “what?” “Maybe for that reason you should try”– [imitating bird call] “okay. “I get it. I got one. [High-pitched voice] “cuckoo! Cuckoo. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” [Gibberish] you have to admire that guy. You have to admire him. You’re not gonna slip a chirp past him. “What the hell was that? “Please tell me I did not just hear that. Please. Please tell me this is not happening to me today.” I wish he would have handled it differently. I wish, instead of calling, he would have snuck in there late at night, pulled out that bird tape, you know, and stuck in another animal track. No one would even know till it’s goin’ out live. [Hushed voice] “um, ernie els is… “Looking at about a 10-foot putt here. “This is– [laughs] this is a downhill putt. It’s gonna break a little bit to his left.” [Imitating bird screeching] “man, he is focused!” [Cheering] oh, you guys– you guys are great. Thank you. Thank you.

Politicians like to use the TV for their negative ads. I love watching them. I love the sinister voice-over guy that they use. [Deep voice] “he voted to give himself a pay raise.” Wouldn’t you? I-i don’t know. Is that the worst thing you have on the guy? “Apparently he wanted more money… To provide for his family.” [Growls] then they morph him into a devil. [Roaring] this is an actual negative campaign ad– I’m not making this up– about the other candidate. “He voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered.” That’s an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy who had voted for that. He was, like, “I meant worst-case scenario. “If the kid gets a weapon, we don’t wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away.” As if that was that man’s platform. “I want to taser seven-year-olds.” He’s talking with his staff– “when I’m elected, “can we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? “I think I’ll swear in, and then I’ll taser a seven-year-old.” “Think that’d be a nice way to start the term. “I solemnly– and then I’ll taser another one. How many can we bus in for this?” That’s what that man wanted to do.

Politicians are smart, man. They certainly know how to not answer questions. They have tricks that no one ever seems to call them on. “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” “Oh. Oh. Well, when will you be– [whispering] oh. That’s a question.” [Mouthing words] not taking questions? I wish I would have known that was an option when I was a kid in school. “Brian, how do you find the square root of a fraction?” “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” You know? Another one that politicians pull. “Well, let me answer that by asking you this.” You can’t answer that by answering that? You can’t do that? I wish I had that stunt ready in school too. “Brian, how did World War I affect the economy of central Europe?” “Well, let me answer that by asking you this. “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, “if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think I’ve made my point.” [Chuckles]

They had local elections where we were living, and we had just moved there, so I didn’t know any of the candidates, but that didn’t matter, ’cause they would put billboards on the side of the road… With their name and two one-word qualities. Which is really all you need to make an informed decision. “Steve Wilson. Leadership. Integrity.” [Chuckles] “say no more. That’s what I’m looking for, right, honey? Those two things.” The only way that would be helpful… Is if his opponent had a billboard right next to it– “Floyd Nimrod. Laziness. Thievery.” “I don’t think so, Mr. Nimrod. “Not when you compare, when you really weighed everything. “When you really step back and weigh it. No. Not-not– no.”

The Kennedy are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, “some people look at things the way they are and ask, ‘why?’ I look at things that never were and ask, ‘why not?'” It’s powerful, but it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-flops around the dinner table. “Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone.” “Some people look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why?’ I look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why not?'” And then Ted’s, like, “there any more rolls?”

I gotta learn more about politics. I hear about fund-raisers where it’s $1,000 a plate. Wow. $1,000 A plate. I would have to send the food back just out of the principle of the thing. “Excuse me, please. Just take this away.” “Is there a problem with your meal, sir?” “Uh, well– [chuckles] “it’s good. It just ain’t $1,000 good. “Go add something. Put some kind of glaze on there or something.” For $1,000, I would want every bite to be like this. [Laughing, whooping] “that is so good I’m crying! “I am voting for you. “Those policies are nuts, but this is fantastic! “Oh, my god, this is delicious! Fire up your taser.”

But politicians have a lot to deal with these days, man. It’s a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their lifelong dream. And every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose. “I’d like some information on crop dusting. “And let me guess. You need to make a phone call. I’ve been through the rigmarole.”

I like watching the news. I love the commercials for the local news. You’ll hear things like, “a news anchor you can trust.” What the hell is there not to trust? What, is he gonna lie to you? “There’s a big fire downtown. Maybe.” “I don’t know if I trust this guy. “I don’t know. There’s something about him. I can’t put my finger upon it. Something. Something not right.” Another one you’ll hear– “a news team that cares.” [Chuckles] they don’t care on the other channel? Like, you click over there– “a major highway is closed down tonight, but, uh, hey, I don’t drive home that way.” “Aw, turn it back to the team that cares. These two are surly. I’ve had it with their uncaring ways.”

You know what I saw on the news? And I’m not making this up at all. There’s a United States spy named Brian Regan. Brian Regan. Same spelling. It’s unbelievable. And when that trial started– he’s in jail for the rest of his life for, uh, espionage. For selling secrets to Libya and Iraq. And when that trial started, I knew nothing about that guy. Had the news on in the background, and I’m not really paying attention. I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I hear, “it’s unclear whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution.” “Guess I can set this down here. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?”

You guys are great, man. Thank you for making me feel so welcome tonight. [Audience cheering, applauding] [rock] [indistinct] thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheering continues] [rock continues] [rock continues] [rock stops]


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