DAVE CHAPPELLE: THE BIRD REVELATION (2017) – Full Transcript

2018-01-03T23:41:30-08:00 January 3rd, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017)

Recorded at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles in November 2017

[Dave Chappelle] Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in. So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. [audience laughing] And everything’s funny till it happens to you. [laughing] [“Revelations” playing] [man rapping] ♪ Revelation ♪ -[girl echoing] Don’t stop. Keep on… – [man] ♪ Sunshine ♪ ♪ Ecstatic ♪ ♪ Flaco ♪ [woman] ♪ Boogieman ♪ [man] ♪ I’m standing in the sun Getting black as I want ♪ ♪ You playing good D And that ain’t backing me up ♪ ♪ Sky woke a baby Ain’t no jackin’ my hem ♪ ♪ I got a whole lot to say So I ain’t talking to them ♪ ♪ I hear knees dropping I turn it up louder ♪ ♪ Black freedom, black genius Black power ♪ ♪ Black ink For printing the black dollar ♪ ♪ Until I CIA ♪ ♪ I say, “Now what?” ♪

Phew. Well, it’s the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of… rape and dick breath. [laughing] The fuck has been going on out here? [laughing] Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. [laughing] It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. [laughing] Charlie Rose. Who’s next? Captain Kangaroo? [laughing]

Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I’ve been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. [laughing] It’s really some scary shit. I gotta tell you. Harvey Weinstein‘s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, “Yeah, he rapes.” [laughing] I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Yeah, he’s ugly. You know, the sad part is he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly. You know, when you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you. “Oh, you look wonderful, you’re so great looking.” But when you’re ugly. You gotta figure that shit out for yourself. [laughing] It’s a lot of putting clues together, really is. “Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right shit on.” [laughing]
If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep. Girl would’ve just come back down like, “I got the part.” [laughing] [applause] Yuck! [man] Good one.

Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge ladies. You are absolutely right. There you go. And we gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because… this could have happened to any of us. It could of happened to me. I can see that. I see myself showing up, “Hi, I’m here for my three a.m. with Mr. Weinstein.” [laughing] “Hey, Harvey, I got your text. I’m here to talk about the script.” [laughing] “Seems like it’s going to be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try.” [laughing] Sound like a fucking nightmare. Could you imagine that shit? Could you imagine you was in a business meeting and a motherfucker pulled their dick out? [laughing] In the middle of the meeting? I’d be like, “Yo! Yo, my man, that is the most unprofessional shit I’ve ever seen. In all my days.” [grunting] [laughing] “Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle.” [laughing] [grunts] “I’ll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. ” [laughing] [applause] [chuckles] “Hurry up, nigga. I have other meetings, you know.” [laughing] “I have a 4:30 a.m. at Brett Ratner’s house, and uh…” [laughing] [chuckles] “I believe it’s a wardrobe fitting.” [laughing] [laughs]

Wow. I mean, it is really bad out here, isn’t it? Kevin Spacey is out here, grabbing men by the pussy. [laughing] I didn’t even know that was possible. Jesus Christ. He got the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s who he– that’s who he got. The last time. It sounded like he was more than that, but… that’s who– that’s who set it off. He was 14-years-old. And Kevin Spacey accosted him at a party, which I gotta say, by the way, just for the record, I went to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. [laughing] Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean. [laughing] Who was the kicker with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing niggas like… [chewing] “I’m having a good time, nigga.” [chewing] [chuckles] Yuck. Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway. Which means… Kevin Spacey can sniff that shit out like a truffle pig. [sniffs] “Yeah, he’s one of me.” And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into. [laughs] I know I didn’t say that right, but it’s true, nigga, like… You know why I said that though? ‘Cause I went to an arts high school. And, like, all them niggas was gay, man. Like, in a high school, all them dudes was gay. And them gay dudes is way more mature than the rest of us. And we didn’t know why, we just knew they was mature. Ever seen a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, they just sitting there. [laughing] Eating responsibly. Then they take that thermos out. You be like, “What the fuck is that?” [laughing] “Is this nigga drinking wine with lunch? ” [laughing] We didn’t know what it was. Because we were young boys just trying to figure out who we were. And we didn’t realize these gay dudes were fighting to be who they knew they already were. Some impressive shit. They were fearless, the gay kids. Fucking fearless. I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life. What kind of man has no fear? You could be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude, and them niggas still be like, “I’m thirsty.” “Shh. Shh!” [laughing] “I’m thirsty, David. I need something to drink.” “Shh.” [laughing] “Well, then shoot me. I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration. Nigga, I am thirsty. I need some water.” [laughing]
All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid. He was 14-years-old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret. For 30 years. Jesus Christ, he must have been busting at the seams with that one. The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends. [laughing]

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark… [laughing] dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach. [laughing] [chuckles] Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy. [laughing] [chuckles] Shit was really gross. ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it. They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.” They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.” [laughing] Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros,  and this nigga is… [laughing] [laughs] And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers. Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?” “No, bitch. I did not know.” [laughing] The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?” “Great, man. I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is.” [laughing] No, I didn’t know. They act like we sit around like Grease. ♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? ♪ [hums melody] [laughing] [chuckles] Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point. [chuckles] Shit was intense. [laughing]

But Louis was like the turning point. I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible. Louis’s was the only– I shouldn’t say this but fuck it, his allegation was the only one that made me like laugh. [laughing] Well, if you think about it… [laughing] Because all his friends are reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people. He’s surprising them, he’s jerking off. [laughing] I just picture all the comics in comedy just reading that like, “What?” [laughing] It’s terrible. I know, it’s terrible. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re right. You are right. But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean. I don’t know. Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. That was like… I don’t know, it might be disproportionate. I can’t tell. I can’t tell. This is like where it’s hard to be a man. One lady said, “Louis CK masturbated in front of me, ruined my comedy dreams.” Word? [laughing] Well, then I dare say, Madam, you may have never had a dream. [laughing] Come on, man. That’s a brittle spirit. [laughing] That is a brittle-ass spirit. That shit is too much. This is a grown-ass woman. You know what this shit is like?

It’s like COINTELPRO. You know what that is? It’s the programming the FBI had on J. Edgar Hoover. In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state. It’s a loop button. That’s why they’ve got all these fucking sex tapes with Martin Luther King fucking bitches. But lucky for us, he actually had a dream. -[laughing] -[applause] You think if Louis CK jerked off in front of Dr. King, he’d be like, “I can’t continue this movement. [laughing] I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn’t know this nigga was going to pull this dick out and jerk off like this. I just thought we were gonna get a couple drinks and chill.” [laughing] [chuckles]

Show business is just harder than that. Them women sounding like… I hate to say it, y’all, they sound weak. I know it sounds fucked up. I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, “Louis CK was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.” Bitch, you don’t know how to hang up a phone? [laughing] How the fuck are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, man. I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are.
Don’t forget who I am. Don’t forget what I am. I am a black dude. And don’t ever forget how I got here. My ancestors were kidnapped. I don’t even know where the fuck I’m from. They were put on the bottom of boats. They sailed them across the Atlantic. Many of them died. Only the strongest survived. And once they got here, they beat the humanity out of my people. They turned us into beasts of burdens. They made us do their work, and the irony is, hundreds of years later they’re calling us lazy. We fought in the Civil War. We damn near freed ourselves. Then, with Reconstruction, black people did great. My great-grandfather was a very wealthy man. But then the Black Codes came, Jim Crow came, and it was a hundred years of unspeakable oppression again. Lynchings, all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society. Yet, we still fought. And Dr. King was born. And then, things got better. Twenty years after Dr. King was assassinated, Michael Jackson was moonwalking on television. Something, something, something. Barack Obama. [laughing] Donald Trump and… Now here we all are. 400-year nightmare.

Took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people’s weakness the whole time was kneeling during the national anthem. [laughing] That’s a brittle spirit. That’s right, nigga . ♪ On the rockets red glare… ♪ [screaming] “What are you doing, nigga? Stand up!” -[laughing] -[applause] The vice president of the United States got involved. Mike Pence got involved. He went to the game himself. “These niggers will have to stand when they see me.” And all the football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence. “Is that Mike Pence? Come on, y’all. Wu Tang bow.” [screams] Foiled. [laughing] Brittle spirit. I could kill every white person in America at one time. Know how I’d do it? I would just wait for the Super Bowl. Right when they sang the national anthem, I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line with them bad knees. [laughing] “Is that OJ Simpson on the field? What the hell’s he doing here?” “Oh, I know what he’s gonna do. Stop him!” [laughing] [screams]

You gotta man the fuck up, yo. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, because I know you’re upset with what I said. But, you know, I know you’re– I know you’re right. But come on, baby, it’s me. I was right once, remember that? [laughing] Does anybody remember when I was missing from show business for 12 years? Remember when I had this really popular show and I quit? I remember I walked away from $50 million. A lot harder than walking away from Louis’ freckled dick. [laughing] [applause] I didn’t know that I’d ever work again. And yet, here I am tonight. Did my dream die? No. [laughing] I remember that shit. You don’t remember that, when I quit my shit? On the way out the door I said, “Something’s wrong in Hollywood.” I believe they said I smoked crack. That’s what I remember. I remember they called me crazy. So really, you know, you’re right, ladies. Congratulations. Enjoy it. And they’re coming for you, bitches. [laughing] They’re coming for you. [mumbles] One person that’s uncomfortable– Know who’s the most uncomfortable motherfucker in the room? The nigga that’s right. I was right at an orgy once. Nobody fucked me. [laughing] I was just walking around like Tom Cruise at the movies, just looking. [laughing] And ruined the whole orgy by accident. It’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think. All you gotta do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go, “Eww.” [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] [laughs]

And I feel bad. But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason. And, ladies, I want you to win this fight. Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now. So if you win, she wins. So I’m rooting for you. And I agree with you. At least, ideologically, I do. I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way. You got all the bad guys scared. And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before. Fear does not make lasting peace. Ask black people. And that’s what it is. What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this. The cure for LA is in South Africa. You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals. They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did. Tell him how you participated. Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Ben Affleck tried to help. “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.” “Oh, nigga, you grabbed a titty in ’95.” “All right, fellas, I’m out.” [laughing] “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.”

I just want to help. I want to be a good guy. Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore. A nigga was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.” I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.” [laughing] And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same. Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.” I can’t click on that. Come on, nigga. Give me something I can click on. “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.” “Little person!” I say to myself. [laughing] Takes me hours to find one clip. “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.” Click. [laughing] [laughs] [whooshing] A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.” I don’t want to jinx myself. You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us. Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean. They’re scared to see us get punished. My wife is Asian. She’d tell on me in a goddamn second. [laughing] [laughs] Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household.

The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country. I live amongst the tiki torch whites. Poor white people. And I’m rich. If it’s ever pitchfork time, nigga, I’m in a lot of trouble. [laughing] And nobody in my family believes me. I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.” They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.” [laughing] “Too bad, son. You have to. If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?” “Come on, Dad.” “What are you guys supposed to do?” “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.” “That’s right.” -[laughing] -[applause] “And what are you gonna bring me?” “Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.” “That’s right.” [laughing] “I’ll go outside and see what they want.” [laughing] It is wild, bro. Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York. -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn. You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer. [laughing] Brooklyn niggas rob you with shit they find around the house. [laughing] “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush. This nigga must be from Brooklyn.” [laughing]

I’m fucking around. Yeah, man. Well, you ladies were right. Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17. I couldn’t even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.” Then I thought, “Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?” [laughing] That’s what women are dealing with. I’m going to tell you right now. [cheering] It’s real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “Nigga, I can’t accept this.” [laughing]

I empathize, man, you know. Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them. More now than ever, and I know there’s some comedians in the back. Motherfucker, you have a responsibility to speak recklessly. Otherwise my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like. The joys of being wrong. I didn’t come here to be right, I just came here to fuck around. It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales] I wonder what happened to me. Where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped? [laughing] [laughs] Maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? You can go to the bathroom, Brooklyn, you don’t need to hear this shit. [laughing] [chuckles] You see that motherfucker right there? He’s under an enormous amount of pressure. He is. Just being big and black with that hairdo, nigga, these motherfuckers are a suspect for everything. [laughing] Except white collar crime. [laughing] [laughs] [sighs]

Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know. I was gone for a long time, nigga. I was in the upside down. [laughing] Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.” You know what I mean. It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders. [laughing] Sad. I know, man. We’ve already been through it.
Like Michael Jackson. Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day. But they said that he did some very heinous things. And one time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch. You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television? Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place. [laughing] And I saw the whole thing. Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. His house didn’t look sexual. It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers. [laughing] Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em. Like, this nigga’s Jay-Z for kids. [laughing] He’s just walking through his house. “This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day. You can have all the cotton candy you want. [laughing] This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers. Isn’t that cool? [laughing] Shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes? [laughing] Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie. What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player. Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out. Come on, Macaulay. Act out Home Alone for my guest. ” And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister. [laughing] This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong.” “Hmm? [laughing] All wrong? What? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man. We thought it was gonna be the usual. You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.” [laughing] “What? Suck your dicks? Ooh, you faggot ass kids! [laughing] Nobody trying to suck your dick, nigga. I was trying to show you a better life. [laughing] Bubbles. Get these kids the fuck out of my house. You’re just like everyone else.” Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism. You know what I mean? We must never forget that R. Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl. [laughing] And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.” [laughing] Same guy, same lifetime. [laughing] If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn. ♪ I used to think that I could not go on ♪ You wouldn’t know how to feel. ♪ If I can see it ♪ [laughing] It’s okay, my career ended many years ago. [laughing] Order. [laughing]

I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry. [exhales] Wanna know what happened to me? [audience] Yes. Nah. [laughing] It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe at the end. When I run out of things to talk about. Actually, I’m almost there. [laughing] I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it. I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show. I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.” [laughing] That’s not what happens. It was cold out there. For real, I had to watch it all go down without me. I had to watch all those people do my show. Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia. I’m not gonna say they were doing my show. I’m just saying they were awfully similar. I was mad. People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, nigga.” Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, nigga, you did the right thing, man. You my hero.” Nigga, I don’t want to be your hero. I want to be rich. [laughing] Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths. All I wanted to be was Paul Revere. I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night. And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, nigga, everybody be dead. Psh.” [laughing]

That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick. I do, man. I’m fascinated with him. I want to make sure he never has to play football again. He can if he wants to. I just don’t want to have to. ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.” But you should. You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great. He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black. [laughing] And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us. Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him. Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is.
Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down. And we watch. Over and over and over again, we watch it. We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative. We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing. And if you did that, the niggas like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch want a stupid ass part.

We should take care of each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?” [laughing] Real talk, man. It’s not a racial thing. It’s about us making our society better. It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are. And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse. [laughing]
You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative. This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it. You can’t ask every woman to hold the line. Some women can carry things heavier than others. So we should fight for one another. We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger. And then we can beat the thing. If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact. You have to have men on your side. And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies.

I’ll tell you what happened, but I can’t say it directly. There’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience. Before I left the show. And the book is called Pimp. It’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim. Yeah, bring it up here. This is Matthew. Matthew’s from France. He’s white. And yet, he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the ’40s. Iceberg Slim. His real name was Robert Beck. He got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago, and there was a shootout in the bar, and a bullet went through this nigga’s hat, and he still finished his drink. Pimps love shit like that. They said, “Man, you’re ice cold.” And he said, “I like that.” And it stuck.
This book is so heavy in the front and has a glossary of pimp terms, because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears. For instance, do you know what the phrase “mileage on a ho” means? [laughing] Of course you don’t. Mileage on a ho is a very wild concept. It means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad shit a person can do before they lose their fucking mind. And a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it. She’s good for 500 fucks. That’s her mileage. Anything over that, that bitch is gonna spill. They do it to you. Why the fuck you think most of us work from nine to five? ‘Cause nine to six might kill a bitch. [laughing]
Iceberg Slim was the one that broke down what a bottom bitch was. Does anyone know what a bottom bitch is? Anyone? What’s a bottom bitch, sir? It’s your, uh– it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of ’em, that bring in the most money. That’s right. That’s exactly right. Are you black? [laughing] That’s right. A bottom bitch is a pimp’s number one ho. She’s even a bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. I will repeat. She’s even the bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. If the pimp was McDonald’s, then the bottom bitch is his French fries. [laughing] The rest of them bitches like fish sandwiches and cherry pies and shit like that. [laughing]
Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist concepts I’ve ever heard in my life. He describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies. There’s a story in here so cold, it makes me shudder to think about it. Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable. So he asks an older pimp how he can rein her in. And the older pimp says, “Oh, that’s easy, Iceberg. All you have to do is beat that bitch with a coat hanger. And then run her a bath. And give her some pills. She’ll be so grateful that you fixed her, that she’ll forget you were the motherfucker that beat her in the first place.” That’s some cold shit.

Now. At the end of this book, Iceberg Slim tells a story. It’s kind of the crescendo of the book. And in the story, Iceberg Slim’s bottom bitch is at the end of her mileage. If she was good for 500 fucks, she was at for 498. [laughing] She was bubbling, you could see it. She was going crazy. She started saying all kinds of shit. “I always wanted to be in the circus.” Circus? This bitch is losing it. [laughing] “I can juggle, too, you know?” Juggle? [laughing] He had to let her go. It was hard to let a bottom bitch go, and he wasn’t ready to let her go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her. But she didn’t know that. She didn’t know how important she was. So what he did was, he called her to ignite her. He said, “Look, bitch, you and I got to part ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, I don’t need you anyway, because I know somebody at Ringling Brothers.” He was like, “All right, whatever. [laughing] I got one last trick for you. It’s a big money trick. You do this for me, you get paid, I get paid, and we go our separate ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, what do you want me to do?” He said, “Okay, there’s a guy in that hotel across the street. He’s waiting for you in room number seven. I want you to go over there and fuck him. But before you do, I need to put some of this stuff in his drink. And then he’s gonna fall asleep. When he does, his briefcase on his bed, bring the briefcase to me. That’s the trick, bitch. Can you handle it?” She said, “Fuck yeah, I can. I can’t wait to get rid of you.” And then she ran outside, jumped on a unicycle and peddled across the street. [laughing] And Iceberg watched her. He’s like, “Man, she’s pretty good.” [laughing] “If I never jerked off in her face, maybe she would’ve been in the circus now.” [laughing] [laughs]
And she runs up the motel steps and disappears in room number seven. She’s gone for a real long time. Real long time. So long, in fact, that Iceberg got a little worried. But then, suddenly, she came back. [gasps] He says, “Where’s the briefcase?” She said, “I didn’t get it, Daddy.” “What do you mean you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?” She said, “I did everything you said, but that man didn’t look right. Something wrong, Daddy.” “What do you mean? Did you put that stuff in his drink?” “I did everything you said, Daddy. I put all of it in his drink.” He said, “Wait a minute, bitch, you put all of it in his drink?” Now he had to see for himself. So the two of them go to the motel, and they go into room number seven. And on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to fuck. Iceberg said, “You right, bitch. He don’t look good. What the fuck?” So he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by. And the doctor came in, gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious. “Slim, this motherfucker is dead.” “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, no. Oh, no. We killed him!” He said, “Calm down, bitch. We didn’t do anything. [laughing] You killed this motherfucker.” And then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase. He popped it open. It was filled with money. More than any of them had ever seen. Iceberg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor, and the doctor left discreetly. “All right, bitch, let me think. [sighs] I can fix this for you. I know somebody I can call. But if I call him, I’m gonna owe these motherfuckers a big favor.” “Oh, God, Daddy, please. I don’t want to go to jail.” “Neither do I, bitch, so you shut up.”
He picked up the phone. She heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit. He hung up the phone, and then she was pacing the room, and he was just standing there cool, and they were waiting and waiting, and then suddenly, a van pulled up downstairs. Two guys get out with a carpet. They walk upstairs, they roll that carpet out on the floor, they throw the body in the carpet. They roll that motherfucker up like a burrito, they pick that shit up, and they throw it in the back of the van. They come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money. He says, “I’ll get in touch with you guys later.” They say, “You’re not going to get in touch with us, we’ll find you.” He said, “Whatever, nigga.” And they bounced. “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, God.” He says, “Relax, bitch. Listen. We getting the fuck out of here. You go downstairs and you get the car. We gotta leave separately.” She went, she got the car. Iceberg grabbed that briefcase, waited a few minutes, looked out the window, and then he went down with her. They both got in the car, and they drove off. She was a blubbering mess. “Oh! Oh, we did all this shit!” He said, “I told you bitch. We didn’t do anything.” You killed the motherfucker, and I cleaned him up, and now we got us a secret. Okay? I know I’m not going to tell, bitch, is you?” “Oh, no, I ain’t gonna tell.” He said, “All right, baby, cool. I’m gonna need you to stay with me for a while till this shit cools down.” She goes, “Okay, okay. Okay.” That’s the game.

That’s how the whole shit works, ladies. You understand? This bitch was at the end of her mileage. She was at for 498, she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another six months. She must have turned another 200 tricks for him. Do you understand? That’s some cold shit. And the cold shit about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all. This motherfucker was just a friend of Iceberg’s acting like he’s asleep. The doctor wasn’t a doctor. He was a motherfucking butcher that happened to have a white coat. [laughing] And the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers. Iceberg had gotten a new apartment. [laughing] And the bag of money… was Iceberg’s money in the first place. The money he got from all those women. That’s a cold game. That’s the motherfucking capitalist manifesto, and that’s why I went to South Africa. So now we got us a little secret, bitch. [laughing]

[“Revelations” playing] ♪ And “cc” a central bank ♪ ♪ Loose change body slamming Big money tanks ♪ ♪ We tell God thanks ♪ ♪ Ya’ll tellin’ us that God don’t rank ♪ ♪ That’s why your breath stank, yuck! ♪ ♪ Lay off the bacon and the smokes ♪ ♪ Quit laying off the good working folks ♪ ♪ Quit the hoax ♪ ♪ And lay off the corny color jokes ♪ ♪ Corn chili to populate A color is woke ♪ ♪ Ya big dope, yuck! ♪ ♪ Keep ’em out your face Keep ’em in your prayers ♪ ♪ Either that Or keep ’em in the crosshairs ♪ ♪ Better still Keep an even dose of each ♪ ♪ ‘Cause until you get justice You won’t get peace ♪ ♪ Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The gunshot that said ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The firefight lit, ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Killers just killing Don’t know what they kill for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ War ♪ ♪ Revelations ♪ [girl] Don’t stop. Keep on. [man] I’m rich, beyotch! [car horn honks]

RELATED POSTS

Leave A Comment

Tom Segura:
Disgraceful (2018)



Read the full transcript of
Tom Segura's new Netflix
stand up  special 


 
Go to the article
close-link