MITCH HEDBERG: COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL (1999) – Full Transcript

2017-07-13T19:22:23-07:00 July 6th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY, MITCH HEDBERG|Tags: |
  • Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg’s half-hour special on Comedy Central

This is the uncut 37 minute version.

Tonight from the Palace in Hollywood, California. Comedy Central Presents Mitch Hedberg!

Thank you. Hey. Welcome to my half-hour special. Does anybody know who I am? Why did a bunch of people who don’t know who I am show it my special? That’s bullshit. All right. Everybody. This will be fun.
I used to live here in Los Angeles on Sierra Bonita. And I had an apartment. And I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry. Because I like loud music. So he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “go around.” “I cannot open the wall.” “I don’t know if you have a doorknob of the other side.” “But over here, there’s nothing.” “It’s just flat.”
All right, man. I gotta do a half-hour. You get a like me more than that. I can’t be getting through a half-hour with that kind of action. I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. All right. There would never be an “escalator temporarily out of order” sign. Only, an “escalator temporarily stairs.” “Sorry for the convenience.”
I’m going to take it out tonight, boy. I’m going to get too loose. So check it out. This is me being loose. I rent a lot of cars. Because I go on the road. I rent cars. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me. But it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not emergency brake. It’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.
You know you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show. To do this show, I had to like take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions. But they were very strangely worded. Like “have you ever tried sugar?” “Or PCP?” Well, I’m a standup comedian. I got into comedy to do comedy. Which is weird, I know. But when you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, “all right. You’re a standup comedian. Can you act?” “Can you write?” “Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy. But not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook. And I worked my ass off to become a good cook. They said “all right. You’re a cook.” “Can you farm?” I planted a carrot once.
When you do comedy, you have to start strong. And you have to finish strong. Those are the tricks, right? You can’t be like pancakes. All exciting at first. But then by the end, you’re sick of them.
I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
The show’s going alright, I guess. I’m trying to feel it out. I wanted to buy a candle holder. But the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Man, you all got to get into my jokes harder. Don’t be – Don’t be – Don’t be giving me that applause later. When you’re rolling with it. I have 21 minutes left. And that’s a long time. I’m going to rock the show though.
I went to a concert in New York City where I live. It was a heavy metal band called Monster Magnet. They were heavy, boy. The singer had no shirt on. And leather pants. And he was playing like a flying V guitar. And he stood on the monitor. And he yells at the crowd. He say… “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said “How many of you people feel like animals?” And the thing is… Everyone cheered after the animals part. But I cheered after the human beings part. Because I did not know there was a second part to the question. I said yes I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. And applause break over my infidelity.
I’ve had four AIDS tests in my day. An AIDS test is very scary. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing. Waiting for the results is frightening. So I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian. I said Brian “do you know anybody that has AIDS?” “No?” “Cool.” “Because you know me.”
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of the tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out – and slam the flap! How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
I got to walk around a little bit. Loosen up, you know. That was just about the first part of my segment. Right there. I might go back here for a minute. Perhaps this show will work better if I”m closer to the back. I’m going to do an entire special not facing the camera. I’m gonna see how this plays.
I like to drink before the show. I have a couple drinks before I go on stage. Every time people applaud, I’m always going “no, no, no.” “That’s dumb.” My manager is cool. He gets concerned. He says “Mitch. Don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch. Because a crutch HELPS me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch. It’s like a step I didn’t see. But alcoholism is a disease. But it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Provocateur. Dammit, Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right.
I want to be a race-car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man. Can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we have to keep going in circles? Man, you really like tires. I play golf. I’m not good at golf. I never got good. I never got a hole in one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “fore!” But I was too busy mumbling, “There ain’t no way that’s going to hit him.”
I bought a donut. And they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for a donut. I’ll just give you the money. You give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I –. I just can’t imagine the scenario where I have to prove I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend. Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut. I got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It’s back home in the file. Under D. For donut. So we all know what D is.
I’m just trying to be pleasant on TV. My ma is watching. Later. I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there. Even if I don’t want one. Because by the time it’s done, who knows? I throw a potato in. And go on vacation.
My friend did this to me. My friend came up to me. And he said this. He said: “Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I said “dude, you gotta give me time to guess.” If you want to quiz me, you must put a pause in there.
Once I went to a craft fair. I see a jar of jelly beans. I said “guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar.” “And you win a prize.” Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what. You guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.
What’s up, everybody? Is this special or what? The Mitch Hedberg Not So Special. Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. Because that way if we’re photographed, we are easy to identify. You didn’t get that one? Neither did I. I don’t know why I do it. I just have this thing in me. That won’t let me drop it.
I have two sisters. And one is named Wendy. If you asked Wendy if I was weird, should probably say “yeah.” But that’s backwards. Because she’s weird. Because she has like a husband. And two children. And they have a family photo on top of their VCR where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there. The camera is right in front of you. But I guess something happened to the left. That made everybody happy. Except my sister is cross eyed. So she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right on.
I had a roommate. His name was Eddie. And Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter. I had a problem. I said “Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?” He said “I don’t know. Just start spelling it. Then quit.”
Like we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days, the shell started to crack. Eddie’s first comment was “man, this guy is a survivor!” Like if you’re walking on a street with Eddie. And a car pulls up. And two guys get out with ski masks and guns. They say “get in the car. We’re going to kidnap you. Eddie would’ve said “shotgun.” I’d have been in the backseat with the other kidnappers. “He called it.” Last time I called “shotgun,” we had a rented limo. So I fucked up. I’m just trying to be likable up here now. I have to be likable. It’s not about likability, really. I was at a casino. I was standing by the door. A security guard came over and said: “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there were a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.
I love casinos. I like to gamble, you know. Like whenever they advertise a casino, like a billboard, they show like a guy winning money. Like a guy holding with a money sign on them. But that’s what happens the least. It’s false advertising. Perhaps when they advertise a hamburger, they should show a guy choking. This is what happened once. I got my hair highlighted. Because I thought some strands were more important than others.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, and you stand in front of the lunch-meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham. Turkey pastrami. Turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys – “Man, just be yourself.” “I already like you, little brother.” “You don’t need to emulate the other animals.” “You got your own thing going.” “I used to draw you.” You know if you had a couple fingers of this, you’d draw a screwed up turkey. That turkey was in an accident.
If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower. I type 101 words per minute. But it’s in my own language.
I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to too.
About once every three years, I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store. And I’ll come upon the yo-yo section and I’ll fantasize about mastering it. To the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg?” “Is he that guy who kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes, I do. He is cool.
I go to a lot of bars when I’m on the road. A lot of bars have black lights. When to bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me. Because I was under the impression that the mustard stains came out.
When I’m off stage, I don’t talk very much. I’m pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who just talk nonstop. That’s all they do. Is they talk, talk, talk. I can’t get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like “hey, man.” “You want some taffy?” You don’t get that joke? I got a feeling y’all don’t get half my shit. What’s up with that, baby? Special. That’s all right. You know. I’m just trying to roll with it.
I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like I’m at the cigar store. The man behind the counter says “what kind of cigars do you like?” Uh, it’s a boy’s.
I was at a bar. I was minding my own business. No one was talking to me because I just did a show. This guy bumps into me, which is cool. But he didn’t apologize. He said “move!” I thought that was rude. So I say “go to hell!” That I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee. A pair of earrings. A pair of sunglasses. His hair was in a ponytail. And he was wearing a hat. They say “hey, you got a lot of nerve.” I say “hey, you got a lot of cranium accessories.”
This is a smart crowd. When I play the dumb crowds, I have to say “you gotta lot of shit on your head.” I’m gonna get a little personal towards the last part of the set. I’m gonna do it from a sitting position. You have me sitting on the stand. It got personal, you know. People flipping around the channels. They say “what the hell?” “What’s Hedberg doing just sitting down, telling jokes?”
Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. It expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit. When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods. Because when you were in the woods tripping, there was less likely a chance you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill. My friend Duane was standing there raising his right hand. Swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got a way from the bear. He put his arm around my shoulder. He said “Mitchell.” “Smokey is way more intense in person.” I went to England to tell jokes. And I wanted to do my Smokey the bear joke in England. So I had to ask the English people if they knew what Smokey the bear was. But they don’t. Because in England, Smokey the bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They had Smacky the frog. It’s a lot like bear. But it’s a frog. And I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean. But frogs are always cool. Like never has there been a frog hopping toward me. And I thought “man,” “I better play dead.” “Here comes that frog.” I’ve never said “here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always like optimistic. Like “hey, here comes that frog.” “All right.” “Maybe he will settle near me.” “And I can pet him.” “And put him in a mayonnaise jar.” With a stick and a leaf. “To re-create what he’s used to.” “And I certainly have to punch some holes in the lid.” “Because he’s damn sure used to air.” “And then I can observe him.” “And we won’t be doing much.” “In his 16 ounce world.”
I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. I know it’s cliché. Like when there’s a frog around, I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly. Because a fly zigzags. And my sandwiches do not. Unless I go like this. There ain’t no frog attack prevention pamphlet. Now if a frog is hopping toward you, do not look the amphibian in the eye. This will incite him.
I wear V-neck shirts. This is a V-neck I got on. The neck is so fragile, man. I can’t wear a regular neck shirt. It hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I’m at the end of my special, man. My special, baby. You don’t know. I don’t know. It’s my special. See how happy I am. Because I’m taping a special. You know how you go to a restaurant on the weekends, they get busy. So they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like… “Dufresne, party of two.” “Table ready for Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers, they’ll say the name again. “Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresne’s? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresne’s are in someone’s trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouth. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three.” “You can eat once you find the Dufresne’s.”
That’s the end of the normal set. I’m going to do a couple more jokes because, man, you know. I felt as though y’all were like saying… “What the fuck’s up with this guy?” I got a lot of the “what the fuck’s up with this guy?” vibe. And I certainly want my special to be funny. You know what I mean. I come out here like all – Rock ‘n roll. This is all bullshit. What the fuck, man? Let’s keep the tape rolling. Check it out. I’m gonna do a couple more. Just in case. For editing.
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet. Because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors’ coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch’s Pizzeria. This week’s coupon. Unlimited free pizza. Special note. Coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza offered with purchase… of a small Coke. Two for Tuesday. Buy one pizza. Get one franchise free.
Hey, man. I want to retape my special. I feel good now. This will be the second half. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when somebody hands me a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying… “Here. You throw this away.”
These are just editing options. I said that joke on another show earlier. My… I smile because I’m happy. I want to put that part in right there.
I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say: “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes, I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I’m about to floss.
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company. They said “fuck it. Cut them up.”
My. My old shit works better than my new shit. I am out of ideas. Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know. Because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker.
This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up. I think you like me more now than earlier. So I’m gonna redo my special. I had an apartment in Los Angeles. And I had a neighbor… Redo my special. I’m gonna redo it. Yes.
I used to have really long hair. People always thought that I was high on stage. Because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy and say… “That guy eats cake.” “He is on Bundt cake.” Mothers saying to their daughters “don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore.” “He smells like flour.” Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching? I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made like a cinnamon roll incense. Because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps rather light a stick. And then, have my roommates wake up with false hopes. That joke is gonna be edited in. That was a pretty good reaction.
I guess I got to end now. I don’t know how to end necessarily. I just feel like doing another hour. The Mitch Hedberg 90 minute special. Self indulgence. Hey, people. Look, all right. This is dumb. All right. Hey, man. What if all I say is “hey, man”?
I wrote a script. And I gave it to a guy who read scripts. And he read it. And he said he really likes it. But he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said “fuck that. I’ll just make a copy.”
I got to get off this damn stage. I wish there was like a trap door that would open up. And I’d fall in it. You are done. And I’d land on a couch. And have a drink. Oh, that would be silly. I got to get out of here, man.
This jacket is dry clean only. Which means it’s dirty.
Why like am I doing better when this special is over? Let’s do these. The B sides of the Mitch Hedberg special.
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar. Which was a bad decision. Because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names. Like Rigor Mortis. Or Mortuary. Or Obituary. We weren’t that intense. We just went with – Injured. Later on we changed it to A-cappella. As we were walking out of the pawn shop. We became a death metal barbershop quartet. You know you go to concerts like punk rock. And the kids get on stage. And they jump in the crowd. Stage diving. People think that’s dangerous. But not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool.
I like KitKats unless I’m with four or more people. I’m just going to do every joke I have. You make the special. Thank you. You – you in the truck decide what is special. I used to buy a lot of M&Ms. They’re a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish.
I like roast beef. All right. I don’t have a joke about roast beef. I’ll have the check. I had a box of Ritz crackers. And on the back of the box, Ritz crackers had all these suggestions. As to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man. They’re crackers. That’s why I got them. I like crackers. There ain’t no suggestions. Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they are little edible plates. Like lunch-meat does not have suggestions as to what to slip underneath it. Try this. Slip a cracker under them. Pastrami. Slip a piece of bread… You have to slip things under lunch-meat. It is not a good base. I like Swiss cheese unless I’m with four or more people.
I think Visine was only invented for potheads. Who else would buy Visine? Say, man, I need Visine. I don’t want people to know that I have been swimming. I’m a heroin addict. I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life.
You’re a good reaction guy. Keep the camera on that guy. I want to tell the people in the truck, whenever you’re cutting to a reaction shot, cut to him. Because you’re really good. You laugh a lot, man. It’s very pleasurable to see. My special is gonna be all cut up and shit. It’s gonna be very weird. It’s not gonna be seamless. All jerky and shit. I gotta get out of here. They’re gonna get mad at me now. I know it. I’m gonna get yelled at. I love you guys. Thanks for coming to my special.

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